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00:00Event A, a beautiful woman stands naked in our shower.
00:03Event B, we drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend.
00:08Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
00:15She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
00:17Ah, yes, well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey,
00:20but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher-level distal cause.
00:25Which is?
00:26You think with your penis.
00:28That's a biological impossibility, and you didn't have to come.
00:31Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind to watch Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic, and Farsi.
00:37Why can't she get her own TV?
00:39There's some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV.
00:44She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.
00:46So we get to have a scene with him?
00:48No, Sheldon, there's not going to be a scene.
00:51I'll do the talking.
00:53Yeah.
00:54Uh, hi, I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.
00:56Hello.
00:57What did I just...
01:00Uh, we're here to pick up Penny's TV.
01:02Get lost.
01:03Okay, thanks for your time.
01:05We're not going to give up just like that.
01:07Leonard, the TV's in the building.
01:08We've been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.
01:11Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360.
01:14We should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
01:21What do you think their combined IQ is?
01:22Just grab the door!
01:26This is it.
01:29I'll do the talking.
01:30Good thinking, I'll just be the muscle.
01:40Yeah?
01:41Hi, I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.
01:43From the intercom.
01:46How the hell did you get in the building?
01:48Uh, we're scientists.
01:53Tell him about our IQ.
01:57Okay.
02:08Leonard.
02:09What?
02:10My mom bought me those pants.
02:11I'm sorry.
02:12I'm sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
02:15We can't order Chinese food without Wolowitz?
02:18Let me walk you through it.
02:20Our standard order is the steamed dumpling appetizer,
02:24beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce, and vegetable lo mein.
02:27Do you see the problem?
02:31I see a problem.
02:33Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees,
02:36divided amongst four people.
02:41So, we'll just order three entrees.
02:43Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling?
02:46We could cut it into thirds.
02:48Then it's no longer a dumpling.
02:49Once you cut it open, it is at best a very small open-faced sandwich.
02:54Oh, hi, fellas.
02:55Oh, where's your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?
03:00He's putting his needs ahead of the collective good.
03:02Where he comes from, that's punishable by death.
03:06I come from Sacramento.
03:12Can we get an order of dumplings, but with three instead of four?
03:15No substitutions.
03:16This isn't a substitution, it's a reduction.
03:19Okay, no reductions.
03:22Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that's 12, we'll each have four.
03:26That works.
03:27No, if we fill up on dumplings, we need to eliminate another entree.
03:30No eliminations.
03:33If we have extra, we'll just take the leftovers home.
03:35And divide it how? I'm telling you, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
03:39Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend.
03:41If you had let me invite Penny, then you would have had your fourth.
03:43Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food?
03:45She uses a fork and she double dips her egg rolls.
03:48We don't order egg rolls.
03:49Exactly, but we'd have to if she was here.
03:52Can we please make a decision?
03:53Not only are the children starving in India, there's an Indian starving right here.
03:59There's an idea. Why don't we just go out for Indian food?
04:01No.
04:04You are nice boys.
04:05I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
04:06I'm going to bring you the four dumplings.
04:08When I'm walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped.
04:11One of the dumplings falls to the floor.
04:13No one has to know.
04:16I'll know.
04:23How about soup?
04:24Yeah, we can always divide soup.
04:26What about the wontons?
04:28I'm just saying, you can take the damn plastic off the couch once in a while.
04:32Why? So you and Howard can hump on it?
04:36Ladies, ladies, I'm sure there's a middle ground.
04:38Shut up, Howard!
04:42Will you guys talk? I'm going to take my scooter out for a little spin.
04:45You happy? You drove your own son out of the house.
04:47Why don't you stop running in when you don't belong?
04:49What are you guys doing here?
04:50It's halo night.
04:52He's not a man, he's a putz.
04:54And don't you take that tone with me, you gold digger.
04:56What did you call me?
04:57You heard me.
04:58And I'll tell you something else.
05:00You're barking up the wrong tree.
05:02Because as long as you're around, Howard is out of the will.
05:05You know what? I've got better offers. I'm out of here.
05:08That's right. Go back to Mabel on you, hoa.
05:15So, halo night, huh?
05:18Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?
05:20Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter.
05:25But Occam's razor would suggest that someone threw it out.
05:29It's from the Institute for Experimental Physics.
05:32They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids
05:35at the topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates.
05:38I know. I read it before I threw it out.
05:41Okay, if I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out?
05:45Because I have no interest in standing in the rose room of the Pasadena Marriott
05:49in front of a group of judgmental strangers
05:52who wouldn't recognize true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech.
05:56Which, if I were there, it would be.
05:59I don't know, Sheldon.
06:00Those topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates parties are legendary.
06:04Forget the parties?
06:06Forget the parties? What a nerd.
06:10Are there any other honors I've gotten that I don't know about?
06:13Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
06:16Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize
06:19is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.
06:25The only thing missing from that insult was your mama.
06:29I got one.
06:30Hey, Leonard, your mama's research methodology is so flawed...
06:33Shut up, Howard.
06:35Sheldon, we have to do this.
06:37No, we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste,
06:40and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying.
06:43Everything else is optional.
06:45Okay, let me put it this way. I'm doing it.
06:47You can't. I'm the lead author.
06:50Come on. The only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
06:53I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea.
06:58Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone.
07:02You're welcome.
07:04Excuse me? I designed the experiment to prove the hypothesis.
07:07It doesn't need proving.
07:09So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
07:13They're not supposed to, but they should.
07:16All right, I don't care what you say. I'm going to the conference and I'm presenting our findings.
07:20And I forbid it.
07:22You forbid it?
07:24If I'm not taking credit for our work, then nobody is.
07:26So you admit that it's our work?
07:28No. Once again, I'm throwing you a bone.
07:31And once again, you are welcome.
07:37Oh no, he didn't.
07:39Are there any questions?
07:41Yeah. What the hell was that?
07:46Any other questions?
07:48Dr. Sheldon Cooper here. I am the lead author of this particular paper.
07:56And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park
08:01and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia
08:06in gases like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero.
08:09I didn't skip it. It's just an anecdote. It's not science.
08:12Oh, oh, I see. It was the apple falling on Newton's head. Was that just an anecdote?
08:17You are not Isaac Newton.
08:18No, no, that's true. Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
08:22You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
08:24You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
08:27Look, if you weren't happy with my presentation, then maybe you should have given it with me.
08:31As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don't need validation from lesser minds. No offense.
08:37Really? So why did you come?
08:38Because I knew you'd screw this up.
08:40Maybe I didn't go to college when I was 11, like you. Maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16.
08:46But you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room.
08:51No offense.
08:53And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.
08:59So you admit you're an egotist?
09:01Yes.
09:03My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstetter, and I could never please my parents,
09:06so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you. But he's worse.
09:10Okay, that is it.
09:12Stop it.
09:15You cannot blow up my head with your mind.
09:18Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.
09:20Stop it.
09:22You hit me. You saw that. He hit me.
09:24I'm trying to blow up my head.
09:26So it was working.
09:27It wasn't. It was not. You are a nutcase.
09:29Oh, I see about that.
09:30Heads up, you people in the front row. This is a splash zone.
09:34Stop it. Quit it.
09:42Is this usually how these physics things go?
09:44More often than you think.
09:47Ow!
09:49What are you doing?
09:50Let's go.
09:52Ah, ooh, tonight.
09:58I have to go.
10:00Ah, ooh, tonight.
10:04What the hell is that?
10:07I don't know, but if cats could sing, they'd hate it too.
10:17You wanna prowl? Be my night owl.
10:21We'll take right back... Hey, guys.
10:23Hi. Where are you going?
10:25What? We just had to mail some letters.
10:29And throw away some chicken.
10:47You'll never guess what just happened.
10:49I give up.
10:50I don't guess.
10:51As a scientist, I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation.
10:55Although, as I'm saying this, it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device,
10:59rendering my response moot.
11:02What was that?
11:03Believe it or not, personal growth.
11:05What happened?
11:06Remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent,
11:09but I didn't get it and I couldn't figure out why?
11:11I have a conclusion based on an observation.
11:13No, you don't.
11:14No, he doesn't.
11:16Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her.
11:19Oh, congratulations. What a lucky break.
11:21It's not a big deal, just a one-night showcase,
11:23but they invite a lot of casting people and agents, so you never know.
11:26I think I know.
11:27No, you don't.
11:29He doesn't.
11:30It's this Friday at 8. You guys wanna come?
11:32No.
11:35Because, uh, Friday, we are attending a symposium on malaria
11:41Friday, we are attending a symposium on molecular positronium.
11:45I think that's a week from Tuesday at 6.
11:47No, it's this Friday. At 8.
11:51Oh, too bad. Well, I gotta get to rehearsal. See you guys.
11:53See ya.
11:54Let's go out tonight!
12:00You just lied to Penny.
12:01Yes, I did.
12:02But you did it so casually. No rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.
12:07So?
12:08So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
12:14Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?
12:16No. I imagine if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it a long time ago.
12:21That's very true.
12:39What is it?
12:43I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
12:47What was I supposed to say?
12:49You could have told her the truth.
12:50That would have hurt her feelings.
12:53Is that a relevant factor?
12:55Yes.
12:57Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
12:59And what would I have said afterwards?
13:02I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you.
13:07And if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.
13:16I couldn't say that. I would have to say, you were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again.
13:22Why?
13:24It's the social protocol. It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.
13:31I was not aware of that.
13:33Well, now you are.
13:34Oh. Alright.
13:35Leonard?
13:36Yes?
13:37When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can't wait to play you again. Good night.
13:55Oh dear God.
13:58Leonard!
14:01Leonard, I'm sick!
14:06Leonard?
14:10Leonard, I'm sick!
14:15Leonard?
14:18Leonard?
14:21Leonard?
14:24Leonard, my comforter fell down and my sinuses hurt when I bend over.
14:32Leonard?
14:35Leonard?
14:41Ow.
14:49Hey, Leonard, where are you?
14:52I'm at work.
14:54At 6.30 in the morning?
14:57Yes.
14:59On Sunday?
15:01Yes.
15:02Why?
15:03They asked me to come in.
15:05I didn't hear the phone ring.
15:07They texted me.
15:10Well, as I predicted, I am sick.
15:13My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2 a.m.
15:17And I am producing sputum at an alarming rate.
15:22No kidding.
15:24Nope. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green.
15:29Howard, it's the phone.
15:34I know it's the phone, Ma. I hear the phone.
15:38Well, who's calling at this ungodly hour?
15:42I don't know.
15:44Well, ask them why they're calling at this ungodly hour.
15:48How can I ask them when I'm talking to you?
15:51How can I ask them when I'm talking to you?
15:58Hello?
16:00Howard, it's Leonard. Code milky green.
16:02Dear Lord, not milky green.
16:15What do you see? What do you see?
16:17The living room appears to be empty.
16:18Okay, he must be in his bedroom.
16:20My spare glasses are in my bedroom on my dresser next to my bat signal.
16:27I'm not going in there.
16:29Raj?
16:30No way, Jose.
16:32Look, I can't do it. I can't see anything.
16:34It's alright. Wireless minicam and Bluetooth headset will be your eyes.
16:40Fine.
16:42One more thing.
16:43This is a subsonic impact sensor.
16:47If Sheldon gets out of bed and starts to walk,
16:49this device will register it and send a signal to the laptop.
16:52At that point, based on the geography of the apartment and the ambulatory speed of a sick Sheldon,
16:56you'll have seven seconds to get out, glasses or no glasses.
17:00Won't my footsteps set it off?
17:02No, you'll be on your hands and knees.
17:04Now, you'll need to get the sensor as close as you can to Sheldon's room.
17:07But how do I carry it if I'm on my hands and knees?
17:16Stay low.
17:18Bare left.
17:20Now keep true.
17:21What?
17:22It means go straight.
17:23I didn't just say go straight.
17:26You don't say go straight when you're giving bearings. You say keep true.
17:30Alright.
17:35I just hit my head.
17:38Because you didn't keep true.
17:42Okay, turn right.
17:45The picture's breaking up.
17:47Angle your head to the right.
17:50Now a little more.
17:52A little more.
17:54That's it.
17:55Now just keep true.
18:00Alright, you're close enough to Sheldon's room. Deploy the sensor.
18:05Now turn it on.
18:07It wasn't on?
18:08No.
18:09Then why did I have to crawl?
18:12Oh, I guess you didn't.
18:18Okay, it's on.
18:19Good. From this point forward, you will have to crawl.
18:24I know.
18:29Hang on. The sensor's picking up something. Turn your head back.
18:38You rat bastard.
18:42Told you the sensor would work.
18:46Why?
18:47You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon.
18:49Come on, I had to. You see what he's like.
18:52Betty, Betty, I'm hungry.
18:55It's okay, sweetie. Good news. Leonard's home.
18:58No.
18:59Here you go. Good luck. Bye.
19:00Wait, wait.
19:01Leonard, I'm hungry.
19:03Wait. Penny, take me with you.
19:11What?
19:16I want grilled cheese.
19:18So Dennis, how long have you been in America?
19:20A year and a half.
19:21No kidding. You speak English really well.
19:23So do you.
19:25Except for your tendency to incense us with prepositions.
19:30What are you talking about?
19:33That.
19:35He's not wrong.
19:38Alright. And this is my office.
19:40Is this part of the tour?
19:41Nope. Goodbye.
19:44Come on, Sheldon. We've hardly shown him anything.
19:46Alright. This is my desk. These are my books. This is my door. Please close it behind you. Goodbye.
19:55Looks like you're doing work in Quantum Loop Corrections.
19:57Keen observation. Goodbye.
20:00You see where you went wrong, don't you?
20:03Leonard?
20:04Yeah?
20:06Get him out.
20:08Come on, Dennis. I'll show you the rec center. They've got Nautilus equipment.
20:11Do I look like I lift weights?
20:14Not heavy ones.
20:17It's startling to me you haven't considered Lorentz and Varian or field theory approach.
20:21You think I haven't considered it? You really think I haven't considered it?
20:25Have you considered it?
20:28Get him out, Leonard.
20:29Come on, Dennis. I'll show you the radiation lab.
20:34Wow. You won the Stevenson Award?
20:36Yes. In fact, I am the youngest person ever to win it.
20:40Really? How old?
20:42Fourteen and a half.
20:44You were the youngest person ever to win it.
20:50It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it?
20:53Sheldon, I think I've made a mistake.
20:55I can see that. Unless you're planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch-filled redundancy.
21:03No. It's about Penny.
21:04A mistake involving Penny.
21:07Okay, you'll have to narrow it down.
21:10I don't think I can go out with her tonight.
21:12Then don't.
21:14Other people would say, why not?
21:16Other people might be interested.
21:20I'm gonna talk anyway.
21:21I assumed you would.
21:24Now that I'm actually about to go out with Penny, I'm not excited. I'm nauseous.
21:29Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate.
21:31Starch absorbs fluid, which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion.
21:36Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny. What happens if I blow it?
21:41Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you,
21:48then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny.
21:55The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby-Doo cartoons comes to mind.
22:00Tell me whether or not to go through with the date.
22:02Schrodinger's cat.
22:05Wow, that's brilliant.
22:08You sound surprised.