Watch Two Men Bike S01 E03
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00:00So I think, possibly, listening to my ding-dong, we could do the theme tune from the film The
00:10Good, the Bad and the Ugly, using it. You know that, right?
00:13Why don't I...
00:14Yes, don't let her give it away. Okay, here we go.
00:15That's it.
00:27I think you ruined my ding-dong.
00:36I'm Hugh Dennis.
00:38Hey, well done. Hugh Dennis, ladies and gentlemen.
00:41And I'm taking my friend of four decades, David Baddiel,
00:45on a cycling trip across the south of France.
00:48Come on, David, it makes you fitter.
00:50I know, but it also makes me think I'm going to die.
00:53Over two weeks, we're heading from the Atlantic Ocean
00:57to the Mediterranean Sea.
00:59How far are we going? I'm slightly confused.
01:02Can we stop for a minute?
01:04It's a test of endurance.
01:06You show-off, look at you.
01:08Well, for one of us.
01:10That's no effort at all, is it?
01:12Skill.
01:13Whoa!
01:15Ah!
01:17You didn't need to scream.
01:19And friendship.
01:20Here we go.
01:22You can borrow my gloves, if you like.
01:24I've got to do this for another 12 days.
01:26Here we go.
01:28You're doing well, you're doing well.
01:30Come on!
01:32Oh, it's a tribute to humanity.
01:41Morning.
01:42Morning.
01:43This is very unusual.
01:44How did you get here first?
01:46I've been here since five o'clock in the morning.
01:48Absolutely.
01:49Waiting for you.
01:50Yeah.
01:51I just thought it was a good idea to set off early.
01:53Yeah.
01:54So sorry.
01:55None of that is true.
01:57I've just been standing here, slightly tired.
01:59I'm a bit worried about my undercarriage,
02:02cos I'll tell you why.
02:04I've got a bit of an undercarriage.
02:06I'm a bit worried about my undercarriage,
02:08cos I'll tell you why.
02:10I thought about it, it's a bit cold today,
02:12and I thought about long trousers.
02:14But then I thought, well, then I won't have the padding
02:16on the long trousers.
02:17Yeah, OK.
02:18So I'm a bit worried.
02:20I mean, you always refer to your bits as your undercarriage,
02:22cos it just makes me think of an aircraft
02:24and that you're going to lower...
02:26I never...
02:27Lower them at some point before landing.
02:29Yeah, small wheels come out.
02:30Yeah.
02:32Right.
02:34Morning!
02:36She's woken up.
02:38I've started referring to my bike as she.
02:41I don't think I've ever done that before.
02:43Sheen.
02:44She.
02:49We're at the halfway point in our journey
02:51from the Atlantic coast to the Mediterranean,
02:54as we explore the major sites and treasures along the way.
02:58For the next three days, we'll be putting in the miles
03:01and testing David's cycling mettle
03:03as we follow the Canal du Midi from Toulouse to Carcassonne.
03:09First, we'll head to the ancient village of Rouenmont
03:12to find out how blue dye was big business there 500 years ago.
03:18Next, we'll visit Soyd-en-Arouse,
03:20the highest point of the canal,
03:22and then we'll head to the next point,
03:24We'll visit Soyd-en-Arouse, the highest point of the canal,
03:27and then we'll make our way to Castelnaudry
03:30to sample the local delicacy, cassoulet.
03:33And we'll end in Carcassonne,
03:35the largest medieval fortress in the world.
03:45The knee is twinging.
03:47I know.
03:49It's that early-morning twinge of the right knee
03:52saying, why are you doing this?
03:55Well, you're in fairly good health, aren't you, you see?
03:58Well, I think so, but my mate...
04:00Yeah, the knee is probably the most chronic thing.
04:05You can get a new knee, though, can't you?
04:07That's true. I could get a new knee.
04:09I haven't got a new anything.
04:15My dad had to have a new knee put up
04:18when he was already well into dementia.
04:20And, of course, because he was well into dementia,
04:23he didn't know or remember that he had a bad hip and couldn't walk.
04:27So if you said to him, Colin, Dad,
04:30we need to take you to hospital for a new hip,
04:32he would say, no, I'm fine.
04:34So eventually we had to trick him
04:36so he was just going to hospital for some other reason.
04:39And then, of course, he was utterly furious the whole time.
04:42He was mostly furious anyway, wasn't he?
04:44The whole time, and on the way to the theatre,
04:46all these lovely nurses saying, it's going to be fine, Mr Badilla,
04:49don't you worry about a thing, Mr Badilla.
04:51And he was just doing this, all of them, with both fingers.
04:54All of them, even the one behind.
04:56Well, I've got very bow legs, right?
04:58Yeah.
04:59Which you may have noticed over the years.
05:01I have noticed.
05:02And so I've got no chafing when I cycle.
05:04I'll say that is a great example of cut half full.
05:07Because most people think, oh, God, I've got bow legs,
05:10that's probably bad for my back and I look silly.
05:12And you've made it a total plus with the no chafing.
05:15All the world's great footballers pretty much have got bow legs, haven't they?
05:18Not as much as you.
05:19No.
05:27Ah, we're back on the canal, though.
05:29This is a different canal.
05:31Oh, is it? What is it?
05:32Now we're on the Canal du Midi.
05:34Right, but it's attached to the Canal de Garonne.
05:37But it was built earliest.
05:38The Canal de Garonne was finished about 200 years after this one.
05:43Oh, right.
05:44This is the one where they were going to continue it.
05:47And then instead they spent the money on Versailles.
05:55Waaah.
05:56Yeah, well, yeah, waaah.
05:57Whoa, that's cobbly.
05:59Oh, that's because this is an older canal, isn't it?
06:02Yeah.
06:03This is all 17th century wobbling about.
06:09So I did the open stage of the Tour de France.
06:12Yeah, I know.
06:13I had to do, like, 200 kilometres in 12 hours.
06:16And I thought I was doing really well.
06:18I was going really fast.
06:20And after about nine hours,
06:22all the people who passed me from the start,
06:24I was catching them up.
06:25I was so tough with myself.
06:27And I caught up with this one French cyclist.
06:30And I turned towards him,
06:32and I realised that he'd got one leg.
06:37It had taken me nine hours to catch him up.
06:40Catch up with a one-legged man.
06:42A one-legged man.
06:43He was incredibly impressive.
06:44He didn't have a prosthetic.
06:45He simply had one leg.
06:48Did he have an incredible single thigh?
06:51Yeah, he had this enormous thigh.
06:53Yeah.
06:54Was it like a turkey drumstick?
06:56And it's really a lot of meat.
06:58Yeah.
06:59Was it like that?
07:00Yeah, well, you've got legs a bit like that.
07:01I have, yeah.
07:02And yet I'm still using an assisted motor.
07:08We're leaving the Canal du Midi
07:10to make a stop-off in the tiny village of Roumont.
07:14You're going to like this.
07:15This here...
07:16Yeah, what is it?
07:17Look.
07:18This is a place that dyes stuff blue, David.
07:20It dyes stuff blue?
07:21I thought you'd like it as a Chelsea fan.
07:23Yeah.
07:24It's the wrong colour blue, admittedly.
07:26Yeah.
07:27It seems to be sort of Manchester City,
07:29but we'll have to live with that.
07:32Nowadays, Roumont only has 250 inhabitants.
07:35But in the 15th and 16th centuries,
07:37this place was at the centre of a huge money-spinning industry.
07:42Hello.
07:43Hello.
07:44How are you?
07:45I'm Hugh.
07:46Denise.
07:47Hello, I'm David.
07:48Hello.
07:49Pleasure, love to meet you as well.
07:50We've seen outside that you dye things blue.
07:52Look around, everything is blue.
07:54So, yes.
07:55And you're wearing all blue.
07:56Exactly.
07:57Because it's such a beautiful colour.
08:00The blue dye comes from a plant the French call pastel
08:03and we know as woad.
08:05But strangely enough, there's nothing blue about the plant itself.
08:10Is that it?
08:11Yeah, that's it over here.
08:12OK.
08:13And so when you crush it, it looks like that?
08:15Well, you have to have a mill for that and mix a paste
08:18and then you form this paste after four months of fermentation
08:21to do the woad ball there.
08:23So that's out of four months?
08:24Yeah.
08:25Yeah.
08:26And then it has to dry.
08:27Let's be honest, if you put icing or something on top of that,
08:29or custard, you'd have a go at that, wouldn't you?
08:31I might without, it looks like a muffin.
08:33Dyeing cloth blue definitely wasn't fast fashion in the 15th century.
08:37After months of drying, the woad ball was crushed and mixed with water.
08:42Then an unexpected ingredient was thrown in to help it ferment.
08:46Urine.
08:49I mean, mostly the soldiers would furnish the urine
08:53because, you know, soldiers would probably drink themselves
08:56to forget all the wars.
08:58But you kept the vat one year,
09:00so you can imagine the amount of urine required,
09:03which was very funny because...
09:04You can imagine it.
09:05I can probably produce it.
09:07Well, I doubt that.
09:09I always need a wee at my age, so it might be a job for me.
09:15Frankly, making the dye was probably a pretty stinky job,
09:19but it paid off as the royal blue became the colour of the king.
09:26So can I just say something?
09:28Don't take this the wrong way.
09:29When I came in here, I thought it smelled a bit of wee.
09:32It's bacteria.
09:34It's the bacteria?
09:35Yeah.
09:36Is urine no longer used in this process?
09:38No, no, no.
09:39There's days where it doesn't smell.
09:41There's days where it smells more.
09:43It's the outside climate that really does this.
09:45It's a living vat.
09:47So David supports Chelsea.
09:48Do you have anything blue that we could...
09:50Do you know about Chelsea?
09:51Well, I've heard about it, yeah.
09:53They play in blue.
09:54Yeah, right, like the French play in blue as well.
09:56Yeah, it's a slightly different blue.
09:58Right. Would you like to try something?
10:00Yeah.
10:02When you dip a material in the vat of dye,
10:05it doesn't look like much is going on,
10:07but it's when they're removed that the transformation happens.
10:11OK, I am going to fish out...
10:14I think it's linen.
10:16OK.
10:17So you're going to have to take it and wring it out.
10:21Like this?
10:22Wring it out, right, right.
10:23Hang it up quickly so you can see.
10:25Quickly, quickly?
10:26Yep.
10:27Like this?
10:28Like that.
10:29You see how quick it goes.
10:30Yes, look at this, this is marvellous.
10:32It's the air.
10:33It's going blue.
10:34It's oxygen, only oxygen.
10:36As the fabric leaves the vat,
10:38it's oxygen in the air, which makes it change colour.
10:42It's already green, but it's going to darken very quickly.
10:45So I have to wring it?
10:46Yeah.
10:47How well rung does it need to be?
10:48That's OK, no problem.
10:49OK, beautiful.
10:50You do it very good.
10:51Thank you very much.
10:52I'd hire you immediately.
10:53I got my pocket money for doing it.
10:54I wish you would.
10:55I got my pocket money as a child for doing the family one.
10:57Open it up, right.
10:59And you see how it's going to turn more and more blue.
11:02There's yellow parts where the air hasn't come in.
11:04It's amazing.
11:05It's very magical, it turning blue.
11:07I mean, have you put it in the washing machine?
11:09No, it doesn't come off.
11:10It doesn't come off?
11:11It's the only blue, the more you wash it, the better it is.
11:14My dad was a bishop, right?
11:16He had to wear purple shirts.
11:17He had 14 purple shirts.
11:19And on one occasion, my mum made the mistake
11:22of putting my pants in the same wash as my dad's shirts.
11:27And then for, like, the next year, I had to wear pink pants.
11:30It was cool.
11:31But also, apparently, when your dad was taking service,
11:33he sometimes wore your pants.
11:35He did, yeah.
11:36That's a mistake.
11:37Yeah.
11:38Yeah.
11:39That is fantastic.
11:40Thank you so much.
11:41Yes, thank you.
11:42My pleasure.
11:46Well, that was a lovely stop.
11:49I'm a bit worried that there's a big hill over there, Hugh.
11:54Where?
11:55There?
11:56Do you want to have a look?
11:57Well, I'm worried more for you than for me,
12:00because I may have mentioned this,
12:02but I have a number of buttons on my bicycle
12:05that allow me to engage electricity,
12:08which will carry me up that hill if I should want to in an easy way.
12:13Whereas you're a 62-year-old man,
12:15Yeah, I reckon I'll be all right.
12:17I quite like hills.
12:18OK.
12:19Should be a good view, though.
12:20Where do you get a view of?
12:22France.
12:23France.
12:26At a height of 290 metres,
12:28the viewpoint at the top of Montferrand Hill
12:31should give us a panorama of the Pyrenees.
12:34But it's the first proper climb we've encountered on the trip.
12:39Well, I've only got it on two.
12:42But if it gets more difficult...
12:44Yeah?
12:45..I shall be going up to three or four.
12:48See, I can do this.
12:49And then this.
12:50I can simply do that.
12:51See, it's turbo button.
12:52Here it comes.
12:53There you are.
12:54Oh, there you go.
12:55I can't do that.
12:56It's very tempting to do that on a hill.
12:59It gets very steep here.
13:04Actually, it's not very steep.
13:06It's not very steep.
13:09Actually, even here,
13:11even the turbo button's slightly struggling.
13:14Are you all right?
13:16Yeah, yeah.
13:17I'm very impressed with you.
13:19Oh, God!
13:23Even with the e-bike, that was difficult.
13:28Ah, come on!
13:31Oh, Lord Jesus!
13:33Oh, come on! Come on!
13:35It's the church!
13:37It's the church!
13:38Hooray!
13:39Where?
13:45Are you all right, Grandpa?
13:49Yes!
13:50I am!
13:58In ancient times, the hilltop village of Montferrand
14:01was an important customs post
14:03on the trade route linking Toulouse to Narbonne.
14:07Today, it's a great spot to catch your breath.
14:12That's not bad for you, is it?
14:14That is a splendid view.
14:16Really good for you.
14:18It's a good day, though.
14:20It's been a good day, yes.
14:22I tell you what, we've done quite a lot of cycling.
14:24A lot of cycling.
14:25A lot of cycling along the path.
14:27But this is really the first proper hill.
14:29Do you know what? I was very...
14:31I admired you, Hugh,
14:33as I've done so many times before,
14:35because I thought, that is amazing,
14:37because there's no question that I would be dead
14:40if I tried to do that without electrical assistance.
14:43And he's going forward just with his heart and lungs and legs.
14:47Most importantly, my legs. Most of your legs, yes.
14:50So, very impressive.
14:55A wide plain. I like a wide plain in a view.
14:59I imagine it's a sort of alluvial plain now, isn't it?
15:03Cos it's got the River Garonne running through it,
15:06which must be very...
15:08It must be very fertile, I should think,
15:10because of all the sediment being brought down.
15:13Cos it starts it, because the river starts.
15:16Taking me off-road, Hugh.
15:18Yeah. Have you ever been off-road on a bicycle?
15:21Yes. Where?
15:23The side of the road.
15:25The road.
15:27The road.
15:29The road.
15:31The road.
15:33The road.
15:35The road.
15:37The road.
15:39The road.
15:41The road.
15:43The road.
15:45It's a pavement.
15:47A pavement, yeah.
15:49David Baddiel and I are on a two-week cycling trip
15:52across southern France.
15:54We're currently between Toulouse and Carcassonne
15:57as we head to Soye de Narouse,
15:59the highest point on the Canal du Midi.
16:02This is proper off-road.
16:04Of course, one of the things about my bike
16:06is despite it being a very urban e-bike,
16:09it does have very thick tyres,
16:12which makes it great for this type of terrain.
16:14By the way, I don't know what I'm talking about.
16:16Are you doing an advert?
16:18I don't know what I'm talking about.
16:20It's thicker tyres make it superb on grass and gravel.
16:23You are king of voiceovers.
16:25I've done lots of voiceovers.
16:27No, but I'm not king of voiceovers.
16:29I think you being king of voiceovers
16:31means you can probably make anything sound like an advert.
16:34I'm riding with David Baddiel.
16:36Yeah. What did you have for breakfast this morning?
16:39I had an egg.
16:41If you were to say,
16:43start your morning with an egg.
16:45Start your morning with an egg.
16:47It sounds so much like an advert.
16:50Yeah.
16:58This is beautiful, though.
17:00Lovely, but I am slightly concerned I'm going to slip.
17:04What, on the gravel?
17:06Yeah, I don't like gravel.
17:08These tyres, they guarantee grip.
17:12That's true.
17:14I'm interested to know if you've ever done a voiceover
17:16of something very local and crap.
17:18They used to be in cinemas in the 70s.
17:20There would be adverts for just down the high street.
17:23Midway radio cars, just round the corner from this cinema.
17:26That one.
17:31What I'm interested in, can I ask this?
17:33What are the methods you have used previously
17:36to try and get fit?
17:38Over the years, I've had an exercise bike.
17:42Yeah.
17:44I had a recumbent exercise bike, separate to that bike.
17:46So you could lie down in your bike.
17:48That must have seated you quite well.
17:50I've had numerous electric belts
17:52that go round my stomach
17:54to try and vibrate that and make it thinner.
17:56That hasn't worked.
17:58I had a thing for a while
18:00where it just made you hang upside down like a bat.
18:02What was that thing?
18:04It's basically just a thing you lie on
18:06and then it swings and you're upside down.
18:08And that's supposed to help.
18:10It's supposed to help with your back.
18:12And I just thought it was a laugh.
18:14I think I had a treadmill at one point.
18:16But all of these things I bought
18:18I didn't spend that much money on them.
18:20So it was a very narrow treadmill.
18:24So I wasn't really able.
18:26Just one leg.
18:28Yeah, I had to hop on it.
18:30I had to run with my feet very close together
18:32so I didn't look like I might trip over at any point.
18:34At what point do you go
18:36I'm never ever going to use these
18:38and I'm going to sell them again?
18:40After one go.
18:44Oh, hello.
18:46Look, there's a lot of people in caps.
18:48Oh, look at this guy.
18:50Is it the village people?
18:52There's more now.
18:54There's people all dressed up.
18:56There's something going on, David.
18:58This looks like a traditional dance troupe.
19:00It's a sort of welcome to
19:02Le Garonne.
19:04David and Hugh.
19:06What's going on?
19:08I don't know. I don't know what it is.
19:12We're heading to the Soie de Narouse
19:14which at 190 metres above sea level
19:16is the highest point on the
19:18Canal du Midi, also known
19:20as the Watershed.
19:22It certainly seems to be a popular destination today.
19:24Oh look, there's more
19:26people in costume.
19:28It's so French.
19:30This is amazing.
19:32If we had known, I would have
19:34come dressed as a beefeater.
19:36Look at what's going on.
19:38Who are you?
19:40Bonjour.
19:42Oh God, it's
19:44the French version of the wicker man.
19:46We're going to be burnt in an enormous beret.
19:58Hi.
20:16Hi.
20:18So we were just wondering, what is happening?
20:20It's a special day today.
20:22Yes.
20:24Where we invite several people, 200 people
20:26and it's a special game
20:28in order to help new people
20:30to discover Toulouse and the area.
20:32Right, but why are they
20:34dressed up?
20:36That's a good question.
20:38Each year there is a theme, and this year
20:40the theme is France.
20:42We have come dressed as cyclists.
20:44Tour de France.
20:46Do you have a team today?
20:48Not really.
20:50He's on an electric bike.
20:52No, not like this.
20:56I don't know if this would happen in England.
20:58We're not very good at welcoming.
21:00No, I'm sure you can.
21:02You can maybe launch it in England.
21:04Yes, but it's great.
21:06What a great idea.
21:08Thank you very much.
21:10Well, we certainly feel welcome in Narouz.
21:12But the real reason for coming here
21:14is that this is the highest point of the canal
21:16and where the water divides
21:18with one current flowing southeast
21:20towards the Mediterranean
21:22and the other flowing northwest
21:24towards the Atlantic Ocean.
21:26Hello. Hi.
21:28Hello, I'm David. I'm Sandrine.
21:30Nice to meet you.
21:32Hi. Nice to meet you.
21:34So we have been cycling
21:36along the canal for
21:38seven days, I think.
21:40And we have just realized that we don't know
21:42how canals work.
21:44You are
21:46exactly at the right place
21:48to explain how it works
21:50because here
21:52we are near the highest point
21:54of the canal.
21:56Sorry.
21:58It's an interesting
22:00place, isn't it?
22:02There have been all sorts of people.
22:04There have been people dressed as pilots and sailors.
22:06Hello.
22:08So
22:10the point is that we are
22:12189
22:14meters higher
22:16from the level of the sea.
22:18That means that when you send water
22:20at this point, then it fulfills
22:22both sides.
22:24So the water comes from the hills, it comes down,
22:26then goes in
22:28both directions on the canal.
22:30Exactly. And what is really interesting
22:32is that the canal was
22:34built in the second part
22:36of the 17th century.
22:38Like you.
22:42Completed in
22:441681, the Canal du Midi
22:46was one of the greatest engineering
22:48feats of its time.
22:50It was the brainchild of a tax collector,
22:52Pierre Paul Riquet.
22:54It's almost
22:56150 miles long
22:58and is one of the oldest working canals
23:00in the world.
23:02And was the whole thing
23:04dug by hand?
23:06Yes, that's it. 14 years
23:08of work, 12,000
23:10workers.
23:1212,000 people? Yes.
23:14That's amazing.
23:16Thank you very much. You're welcome.
23:18Everything is clearer. Perfect.
23:20Thank you so much. Are you happy? Thank you.
23:22Enjoy your ride. Thank you.
23:28Well, that was
23:30weird. That was weird.
23:32We thought we were just having a nice chat with a lady
23:34about a canal. Yeah.
23:36And then it turned out to be
23:38a local Toulouse
23:40fester of some sort.
23:42To welcome people new to Toulouse
23:44so they can all get to know each other.
23:46I don't think that would happen in the UK.
23:48In Coventry? No.
23:50Welcome to Coventry. Everyone, let's dress up.
23:52There's different parts of the world.
24:08My bum is really
24:10hurting. Is it?
24:12Right now, I'd like to have a bigger arse.
24:14I'd like to be Kim Kardashian
24:16on this cycle, because I feel that would spread
24:18the pain.
24:20You can go and have an arse fitted, of course, can't you?
24:22You can have arse injections
24:24now, yeah, but they're quite dangerous.
24:26And frankly, I don't think anyone's had them for cycling
24:28across France. No. I've never really
24:30looked at your arse.
24:32Well, you're welcome
24:34to.
24:38David Baddiel and I are on a two-week cycling
24:40trip across the south of France.
24:42We're following the Canal du Midi
24:44and are on our way to
24:46Castelnaudry, where we're going to sample
24:48its famous gastronomic delight.
24:52I've tried many diets.
24:54Low-carb diets,
24:56Atkins diet, but I also
24:58invented a couple of diets for myself, so I went on
25:00an all-avocado diet once.
25:02The consequences of that
25:04must have been horrible.
25:06It only lasted about two meals.
25:08When I was a kid, we ate quite strange
25:10things. My mum grew, you know,
25:12sort of like mung beans, and my
25:14dad grew weird vegetables and
25:16stuff. And we just ate tons
25:18and tons of it. And there was a short,
25:20short period when my mother
25:22tried to cook us nettles.
25:24Oh, yeah. Quite often. And the nettles
25:26she decided to cook
25:28were not the younger ones,
25:30which were soft and would be nice when you cooked them.
25:32She got the old, great
25:34big nettles that were growing behind the shed.
25:36Really?
25:38And the other problem with it
25:40was that I was the
25:42only person eating them who knew
25:44that when I was out in the garden playing
25:46football as a ten-year-old, I didn't want to come
25:48into the house. They were the
25:50nettles that I basically urinated
25:52on.
25:54I went behind the shed.
25:56Did you have a dog as well?
25:58No, that would have been awful.
26:00You went behind the shed and urinated on them?
26:02And did you eat them nonetheless? Yeah, of course I did.
26:04So my mum was a terrible cook
26:06in general. My mum would cook an enormous
26:08vat of
26:10what she called chicken soup, but it was just
26:12water with a claw in it.
26:14It's amazing.
26:16She was a terrible, terrible cook. And sometimes
26:18my mother would suggest that there was something
26:20exciting for pudding.
26:22And it would be like a tin of
26:24peaches or a tangerine.
26:26And that was
26:28always very disappointing.
26:30But on Friday nights
26:32in my house, as a sort of treat,
26:34my dad would occasionally
26:36get out a Mars bar. Oh, really?
26:38And he'd cut it into four pieces
26:40and we'd get a quarter each. Wow.
26:42And your mum would even eat that?
26:44My mum would probably have a half of a quarter,
26:46which, as you know, is an eight.
26:48I mean, I tell you, I have to say
26:50a picture is emerging of your mum, which I think is
26:52related to you, which
26:54is that she is a self-denier.
26:56I don't think you've got an element of that to you,
26:58and I am the opposite.
27:00I need to maximise my pleasure
27:02all the time.
27:06Castelnaudry.
27:08Yes. Castelnaudry.
27:10This is it. This is where we're going to stop.
27:12I think this is lunch. That's good.
27:14The town of Castelnaudry
27:16became an important port
27:18on the canal when the enormous
27:20Grand Bassin was built.
27:22That's Big Basin.
27:24It's the largest open stretch of water
27:26on the canal, and what was once a scene
27:28of intense economic activity
27:30now seems to be a pleasure port for tourists
27:32from East Anglia.
27:34Let's stop here.
27:36That looks
27:38nice.
27:40The Cassoulet Gourmand.
27:42How about that? That's a one.
27:44Castelnaudry
27:46is renowned for its local dish
27:48and claims to be the
27:50cassoulet capital of the world.
27:52So I have ordered us
27:54a cassoulet, which is the
27:56original speciality. Yeah, I've heard of it.
27:58I became rather obsessed by cassoulet at one point.
28:00I used to buy tins of it in France
28:02and bring them home. Tins? Is it nice in Britain?
28:04Tins, yeah. It's fantastic.
28:06And you'd open them, and there's a whole, like,
28:08goose, duck? What's in cassoulet?
28:10Sausage? Beans? Well, it's beans.
28:12A lot of beans. A lot of beans. Beans, bits of meat.
28:14Yeah. Quite fatty sort of meat.
28:16Yeah, I like that. Sort of sauce,
28:18and in the ones I really like, sort of twigs.
28:20It can have duck in it. You said it had twigs in it.
28:22Well, it does have twigs in it.
28:24Little stalks of stuff. Does it?
28:26Like off a tree.
28:28OK, I'll be looking for the twigs.
28:30I don't believe you. You're quite grumpy because you're hungry.
28:32I'm hungry, yeah.
28:34One of the things you've discovered about me, which you probably knew already
28:36and could have guessed, is that
28:38I get a bit hangry. You do get
28:40very hangry. Yeah, and I'm keen on
28:42the food arriving for me. Oh, hello.
28:44Here we go. Fantastic.
28:46Now, that looks amazing. Where are the twigs?
28:48OK, the twigs are in there. They'll be in there.
28:50Is this going to be upsetting for you
28:52because you're very hungry? What, are you feeding yourself?
28:54I'll just serve myself first. A bit upsetting.
28:56Particularly if you take all the... Look, that's the massive
28:58bit of meat. That might be all the meat.
29:00I was just looking for a twig. Yeah.
29:02This seems to be twig-free, this one.
29:04Yeah. I strongly suspect that that
29:06is most of the meat of the castellet.
29:08Yeah. Don't you have it? Do you want it?
29:10Yes.
29:12Thanks. OK.
29:14Right, tuck in.
29:16That's a lot of beans.
29:18Nice, isn't it? Yeah, it's good.
29:20It is good.
29:22So, it originates
29:24from here. I think it's a local
29:26dish, yeah. Right.
29:28And, um, it's sort of
29:30peasant food, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
29:32But I love peasant food. Yeah, I love peasant food.
29:34I love stews. Well, like slop,
29:36basically. Yeah.
29:38I think what you should do
29:40as a business idea...
29:42Me, specifically? Yeah, because you know about castellet
29:44and you've got a lot in your house, which you brought
29:46back, right, is a sort of pot
29:48castellet, like instant
29:50castellet. What about that? I've never seen
29:52that. That might be a gap in the market.
29:54Where you get, like,
29:56pot noodle. Plastic pot. With sausage.
29:58Sausage. Duck. Beans.
30:00Duck. Goose in it. But somehow
30:02made out of powder.
30:04And you pour
30:06boiling water in it. Instant castellet. That's what I'm
30:08talking about. Instant castellet.
30:10With your face on it, I think.
30:12So, I take that to Dragon's Den.
30:14Yeah. And say, look,
30:16Peter, Peter Jones,
30:18what have you done? I've powdered
30:20some castellet.
30:22That's a brilliant idea I'm in.
30:24Yeah, it was. The great thing is, when you do your
30:26instant castellet, you can also do the voiceover for it.
30:28Instant castellet.
30:30£3.99.
30:32Made in one minute. Disgusting.
30:34Fed up with waiting for castellet.
30:38Fed up with chewing. Fed up
30:40with life. Buy instant castellet.
30:42It sounded better and better.
30:44I think you just do that in front of the dragons.
30:50How's your knee?
30:52It's painful. I think possibly
30:54the castellet hasn't helped my knee. I can feel the fat
30:56collecting around my knee.
30:58It's not providing lubrication
31:00in your knee? No.
31:02If your knee's bad,
31:04do you think you can look
31:06maybe for a massage?
31:08Two English blokes of a certain age looking for a massage
31:10in a strange French town might be
31:12construed the right way.
31:14If it's like a shiatsu massage.
31:16A shiatsu massage, yes, that would be great.
31:28So did you find a massage?
31:30Yeah. Well, I looked online
31:32and there's one here.
31:34In this village somewhere.
31:36Hello.
31:38I'm David. OK.
31:40This is Hugh. Hello.
31:42I see you do this. Yes.
31:44I was wondering if you could do some little work on
31:46I have a bad knee. OK.
31:48Is that OK? Yes. OK. Welcome.
31:50Thank you very much.
31:58Most of the pain
32:00is sort of there.
32:02Yeah, there's a pain issue.
32:04It's a pain that's sort of there.
32:06Sort of where the knee cap joins the muscle.
32:08OK.
32:14Relax. I am relaxed.
32:16How is this helping your knee?
32:18It's a holistic approach.
32:20OK.
32:22I think.
32:28A bit nice. Yeah.
32:30Do you have any massage?
32:32I have had massages
32:34but I have the same problem with massages
32:36as I do with eating vast quantities of food.
32:38It's a bit too
32:40sort of overindulgent, however good.
32:42Yeah.
32:44That's why I like it.
32:48One thing I have got to say,
32:50it's not much of a spectator sport.
32:52OK.
32:54If you like,
32:56I could wrestle with her.
32:58Yeah.
33:02I don't know if this is the most flattering angle
33:04I have ever been filmed in.
33:06If I turn on my iPhone
33:08and I get the torch
33:10and we get the angle right,
33:12we can pretend it's the sunset going over a hill.
33:14Then what?
33:16OK, it's morning.
33:18Here comes the sun.
33:20George Harrison.
33:22It's coming up over there.
33:24It's a lovely day.
33:26It's like Teletubbies.
33:28It's night time again.
33:30OK.
33:32Can you not put off the masseur
33:34with your silly nonsense?
33:36Sorry about that.
33:38I was pretending to go in there.
33:40Yeah.
33:42He was pretending my stomach was glass retort.
33:48This is the test.
33:50The acid test.
33:52As I get back on the bike.
33:54Let's see how it feels.
33:56I'll be very disappointed.
33:58If what?
34:00If she's broken.
34:02If you don't still make that noise.
34:04I think my whole body makes that noise.
34:06Let's see.
34:08OK, here we go.
34:10Ready?
34:12I'm going to watch you.
34:16By Jove, she's fixed it.
34:24OK.
34:34I want to show you the different noises
34:36that this can make
34:38for its bell.
34:40So the standard one is...
34:44That one.
34:46That's quite piercing.
34:48David Beale and I are cycling
34:50through southern France.
34:52We're looking for the easy option on an e-bike.
34:54While I, of course, have gone traditional.
34:56Using my legs to turn the pedals.
34:58What about that one?
35:00That's like a 1960s doorbell.
35:04What about that one?
35:06That's a goose that you've squeezed.
35:08That sound that you called a goose
35:10is called party.
35:12Party?
35:14Yeah, because I think it's meant to be like a...
35:16Oh, OK, someone's blowing through a...
35:18Through an unrolling...
35:20It's an unrolling thing.
35:24Our destination today
35:26is the medieval city of Carcassonne.
35:28And I'm taking David
35:30on a slight detour
35:32to try and avoid the gravelly paths
35:34he hates so much.
35:36Here's a fun fact.
35:38Do you know that Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves,
35:40was shot in Carcassonne?
35:42I did know that, and you know why I know that?
35:44Because you've told me that before.
35:46I haven't told you it before.
35:48Why would they film it there
35:50rather than Nottingham?
35:52I don't suspect I've been to Nottingham
35:54many times.
35:56It does not have an almost perfectly preserved
35:58enormous medieval citadel.
36:00No.
36:02What you'll enjoy about Nottingham
36:04is one of the very few facts I know about Nottingham.
36:06I've just caught my shoe lace.
36:08Oh, what's happened?
36:10My shoelace has wound itself.
36:12Look at this.
36:14Can I just say this is a huge triumph for me
36:16because I bought cycling shoes
36:18and my cycling shoes do not have laces.
36:20And so I've won
36:22this bit
36:24against professional
36:26virtually cyclist Hugh Dennis.
36:28I'm back.
36:36Look at that, David.
36:38You're not going to like this bit.
36:40Careful.
36:42Careful, there are stones.
36:45Right, okay.
36:47That's as near as I've come to actually falling over.
36:51I'm going to go in a minute
36:53as I'm laughing.
36:55This is really difficult.
36:57I'm going to laugh.
36:59Oh, my God.
37:01Look at that.
37:03My bike doesn't like this at all.
37:05Okay, so
37:07it was easier this part, was it?
37:09This is easier.
37:11This is not gravelly.
37:13It's just terrible.
37:15Whatever it is.
37:17It's just stones, I think.
37:21Oh, this is a bit tricky as well.
37:23Why did you tell me
37:25that you were taking me on an easier part?
37:27This is literally just grass.
37:29Yes, but...
37:31You know what this bike is designed for?
37:33It's grass.
37:35You know what it's designed for?
37:37To sow hope.
37:39What's happened?
37:41Thank you very much.
37:43It is amazing that we started today
37:45with you saying,
37:47I'm going to take you on an easier route.
37:49It's great cycling in front of you
37:51because literally all I can hear is the noises.
37:55There you go.
37:59Yes, this bike is...
38:01It's built for London,
38:03which this isn't.
38:07Oh, God.
38:09I'm getting off, sorry.
38:11It's too dangerous.
38:23Give you a little zoom-a-boo,
38:25see if I can keep up.
38:27There's a hill coming up.
38:29You can do it there.
38:31Man against machine.
38:33Here we go.
38:35You're doing well.
38:38Oh, it's a tribute to humanity.
38:40It's like chariots of fire.
38:42Actually, I didn't have the full force on there.
38:46Nor did I.
38:55Here we go, Carcassonne.
38:59Carcassonne looks fantastic, doesn't it?
39:01Look at that.
39:08It's an impressive spectacle.
39:10It sort of looks edible, doesn't it?
39:12It does look quite edible, yes.
39:14It's incredible, but if I look at it
39:16for too long,
39:18I'm most definitely going to crash into
39:20a tourist.
39:25Look at that.
39:27That's beautiful.
39:29Lovely.
39:31I might eat it.
39:38The walled city of Carcassonne
39:40is the largest and best preserved
39:42of the medieval fortresses of Europe,
39:44with three kilometres of ramparts
39:46and 52 towers.
39:48It's a UNESCO World Heritage Site
39:50and is steeped in centuries of history.
39:54Hello, I'm David.
39:56Hello, David.
39:58Hello, I'm Sarah. How are you doing?
40:00I'm good, thank you.
40:02So why is Carcassonne called Carcassonne?
40:04Is it something to do with that person?
40:07Well, here you have an important figure
40:09in Carcassonne.
40:11This is a Saracen princess.
40:13The name is Dame Carcass.
40:15And she was here in the 8th century.
40:17And you know Charlemagne?
40:19Yes, Charlemagne.
40:21Not personally, but I know who he was.
40:23Well, he tried to conquer the city.
40:25He took a siege for five long years.
40:28He was sieged for five years?
40:30Yes, five years.
40:32He killed everyone, all the soldiers,
40:35and they didn't have anything to eat.
40:37But Dame Carcass, she got an idea.
40:40She gave the last wheat she had left
40:43to the last pig she had left
40:45and she threw it over the rampart
40:47to make believe Charlemagne that the army was still there
40:50and they still have to eat.
40:52She threw a pig, did you say?
40:54Yes, she threw a pig.
40:56So a fat pig?
40:58She gave to the pig.
41:00I feel a bit sorry for the pig.
41:02I must have thought, this is great,
41:04I'm getting loads and loads of wheat.
41:06Where are they taking me?
41:11Charlemagne was tricked into believing
41:13that the city had a plentiful supply of food and soldiers,
41:16so his army gave up on the siege.
41:19Dame Carcass was so happy to have won the battle
41:23that to announce it, she played the bells of the city.
41:26And one of the soldiers of Charlemagne
41:29said,
41:31Dame Carcassonne.
41:33In French it means...
41:35Ah, sounded. Sounded.
41:37And the name Carcassonne would come from this legend.
41:41The story of the fattened pig is a local legend,
41:44so probably best taken with a pinch of salt and some apple sauce.
41:48But when you wander into the city itself,
41:51you can't fail to be impressed by this masterpiece
41:54of medieval military architecture.
41:57This is a castle, but then inside there's another castle,
42:00which is this one. Yeah, it's this one.
42:03This is a castle inside a castle, so a very fortified city.
42:10The castle within a castle was built in the 12th century
42:14by the Viscount of Carcassonne.
42:22So what is this room that we're standing in?
42:25Here you are in the main room of the Viscounts of Carcassonne,
42:28and this is the place where the banquets were taking place.
42:31In this room? In this room, where...
42:33Are they very small?
42:35They had banquets in this room? Yes.
42:37Because why did they knock through
42:39and think, like, well, we'll have, like, a bigger banquet?
42:42Well, let me tell you something.
42:44The castle of the Viscount, it was not as big
42:47as you see the castle right now. Right.
42:49Because the castle went into the hands of the King of France,
42:52and the King of France enlarged the castle,
42:54and so there are two different periods in history.
42:56Well, OK, I mean, it still would be a lovely place
42:59to have a banquet, wouldn't it?
43:01I think it's big enough for a banquet.
43:03How about 12 people? One evening, maybe.
43:05If I was a... Kitchen shopper. A kitchen shopper!
43:10Compared to the Viscount's modest castle,
43:12the King of France supersized everything
43:15when he took control of Carcassonne in 1247.
43:18He built, like, three kilometres of ramparts.
43:21You have an outside rampart, inside rampart,
43:24then a whole village, which is another protection,
43:27and then you have a drawbridge.
43:29So, very fortified.
43:31But that's really fascinating about...
43:33I had no idea how many times it had changed hands.
43:35It's an amazing place.
43:37And, of course, Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, was filmed here.
43:40Yes. Yeah. With Kevin Costner.
43:42Kevin Costner. I love Kevin Costner.
43:44You love Kevin Costner? Yeah, I love him.
43:46I quite like him. I like him more in Field of Dreams.
43:50Well, I love him. You've never met him?
43:52I love him. I'm a fan of him. You're really a fan of Kevin.
43:55I'm a fan of him. I'm a fan of Middle Ages,
43:57I'm a fan of castle, I'm a fan of Carcassonne.
43:59I'm a fan of middle-aged men. Kevin Costner.
44:01Yeah, Kevin Costner. Yeah.
44:08There's the Hotel de la Cité.
44:12Do you know that means Hotel of the City?
44:14I think it must mean something like that, yeah.
44:21Good for you, Dennis?
44:23Yes. It's been brilliant.
44:25I'm tired, but in a good way.
44:27You're getting better at cycling, though.
44:29You're making fewer noises on the bike.
44:31But now you're fitter. We could do the Alps,
44:33or we could do the Andes. Do you think I could, actually?
44:36That's a good point.
44:38You possibly chose a fairly flat route for me,
44:41because, you know, you thought, well, Dave is not that fit,
44:44and he's not that much of a cyclist.
44:46I didn't think that. I knew that. You knew that.
44:48As was kind of you.
44:50But do you think now I could do the...
44:52What do you call it, the ATAP? The ATAP de Tour.
44:54What's the ATAP?
44:56It's an open stage of the Tour de France.
44:58And what does it cover?
45:00I think you do probably 2,000 metres of elevation in a day.
45:04Right. On a bike, not on a lift.
45:06No, not on a lift. No.
45:08And there are no... Not a cable car.
45:10No, you don't allow electric bikes.
45:12That would be way too easy. Hello.
45:14Oh, hello. Hello.
45:16Thank you, sir. Thank you.
45:18That's very kind of you. Look at that.
45:22Lovely.
45:24Look. What?
45:26Chocolate's in the shape of carcassonne.
45:28Oh, look at that. And I could eat it.
45:30Oh.
45:32Oh, what I was going to say was,
45:34I mean, if we stick with you on the bike, me on the electric bike,
45:37really, I'm happy to do anywhere. I'm happy to do Everest.
45:40I don't think you can cycle up Everest.
45:42Have you never seen...
45:44I don't know what the documentary's about.
45:46I bet you can on an electric bike.
45:48Although, admittedly, I fell off a Grammy bar.
45:50I know. I'm maybe setting my sights a bit high.
45:53In terms of my overall health, I feel generally better.
45:57But fewer biscuits is probably the way forward.
46:00How many have you had now? I think I've had three.
46:02You've had three biscuits. I've had one biscuit.
46:04Here's the only way I could not eat biscuits,
46:08is if no-one ever put biscuits in front of me ever again.
46:12Or, indeed, if my house had no biscuits in it.
46:15No shops had biscuits in it.
46:17Basically, biscuits were our Lord.