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00:00Welcome back race fans, this is Gene Leodowski alongside Bill Dickman.
00:04It's Dickman actually, small but important difference.
00:06The big story today is the return of Dallas Moonshiner to the world of racing.
00:11We're in for a real treat as we get to watch one of the most flamboyant drivers to ever grab the wheel.
00:16Fun fact Bill, Dallas Moonshiner has six toes on her left foot.
00:19I don't think that's true Gene.
00:22Ok Robo, I'm hitting dirty air, I gotta split up.
00:24No, it's too early, there's not enough room.
00:26A race is like beer, it's never too early and there's always enough room.
00:30Ah hell, go for it D-Train.
00:37Woo, back from the dead Red.
00:38God damn I miss racing.
00:56♪
01:23Feels good to stretch the old legs, take a proper piss, breathe in the freshish air.
01:29Truck was getting a little dank.
01:30A little dank?
01:31Ernest Francis Coe thinks this rig's too swampy.
01:33What?
01:34Fine, Kermit the Frog thinks the rig's too swampy.
01:37Ha ha, I get it cause he's a frog.
01:38But wait, that's not all my fault.
01:40It's literally all your fault.
01:41I'm made of non-reactive metal, you're a sack of rotting groceries.
01:43Oh boo hoo, you've never complained before.
01:45It's because I can't smell, your farts are all ones and zeros to me.
01:48More like a big old cloud of number twos, am I right?
01:51Up top.
01:52Put it down.
01:52With truth, dignity and civility.
01:55So help me, insert your particular version of God here.
01:57With truth, dignity and civility, so help me insert your particular version of God here.
02:04Yeah, close enough.
02:04Congratulations, you are now citizens of Mars.
02:07Don't forget to pick up your $10 casino chip and buffet ticket.
02:10Hey, great crowd Vic, lot of fresh faces.
02:12Are you kidding me?
02:13Should have been three times as many people on that bus.
02:15God damn cannibal bikers, at least we know they're eating well.
02:18Well hey, if you're looking for new citizens, I'm currently a free agent and citizenship curious.
02:22Ha ha ha, a robot citizen.
02:25Maybe I'll make slot machine citizens too.
02:27Next thing you know, people will start marrying their dogs.
02:29Yeah, that's a natural progression.
02:31So, you wanted to see us?
02:32You're damn right I did.
02:33I got something to say to you two.
02:34This isn't about the missing terry cloth robes from your last shipment, is it?
02:37Because 5% spillage is like industry standard.
02:40What? No, listen.
02:42Mars needs a big event to draw attention to the various niceties and pleasantries we have here.
02:47Welcome citizen, the some you can eat buffet is right through those doors.
02:51I'm holding a stock car race here on Mars.
02:53Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
02:54And I'd like you to drive the Golden Pathfinder Casino Lucky Number 7 car.
02:58Oh yeah!
03:01Hold on one second, Victor, before we commit.
03:03What's in it for us?
03:03So, what I'm proposing is...
03:05We're in!
03:08Nice negotiating with you gentlemen.
03:12Holy shit!
03:13How you doing, Number 7?
03:14Great, just missed the slot.
03:16You're not out of it yet.
03:17There's a bunch of debris on turn three when you come back around golden low.
03:20Yep, scrap rolls down the grade, gravity says I go high.
03:23It's like physics or geometry or whatever, that number nerd stuff you like.
03:26No doubt, trust me.
03:27Go low this time, you'll avoid the pickup.
03:29Alright, but I'm gonna lose some serious speed.
03:33Yeah!
03:33Thanks, Robo, great teamwork, buddy!
03:35Wow, how did Moonshiner see that?
03:38She must have eyes like a pigeon.
03:40Cock-a-doodle-a-doo!
03:42I think the bird you're looking for is Eagle, Gene.
03:44Pigeons are virtually blind.
03:48We re-dig the ride height.
03:49Put it right where you like it.
03:50What do you think, Dallas?
03:52I think you're fired!
03:53Hit the brakes, asswipe!
03:54What? Come on!
03:56Well, your best is garbage, good luck.
03:58Screw this, I didn't want to be on this damn team anyway.
04:01I did.
04:02A little judgy there, Judy, don't you think?
04:04No, the work was just fine.
04:05Perfect, actually.
04:06Their whole vibe was bringing the room down, though.
04:08Glad to see the egos back.
04:09Honestly, did it ever really leave?
04:11Now help me find a place to hide an oxygen tank.
04:13What?
04:14Yeah, if the race gets close, I'll just boost the carb with some pure oxy.
04:18Dallas, we got kicked off the circuit for cheating.
04:20And now you finally have a second chance.
04:22Yeah, a second chance to win.
04:24If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying.
04:26I did it! I did it, guys!
04:27We are not done talking about this.
04:29Oh, I'm sure you have a lot more high-horsing to do.
04:31Now, I had to borrow some more money from the Jenkins brothers,
04:34but Moonshiner Trucking is now an official co-sponsor of the number seven car.
04:39Check out the livery.
04:40It says Moonshiner.
04:42Son of a bitch.
04:43And tomorrow we have the photo-op with the senior citizens.
04:46Walkies, no wheelies, that's my policy.
04:47And Tuesday, you have that urine test.
04:49Oh, I think you mean Fat Paul has a urine test.
04:52And next week is the autograph signing at the casino.
04:54Finally, people lining up to praise me.
04:56And again, walkies okay, no wheelies.
04:58That was some vintage old-school racer Dallas bullshit right there.
05:01This is worse than the day my birth parents abandoned me at GameStop.
05:05We're looking at this all wrong.
05:06It's good we got fired.
05:08We used to be peons.
05:09Now we're gonna be pe-entrepreneurs.
05:12Oh, I don't even know what that means.
05:15It means that if Dallas is gonna be famous again,
05:17you and me is in a prime position to suckle off the sweet, sweet, gushing teat of fame.
05:22Like a pair of piglets.
05:23No! Crime in the...
05:25Forget the damn pigs.
05:26Let me explain it to you simple.
05:28This is you.
05:29This is me.
05:30And this is all the dadgum money we gonna make.
05:32Ooh, it kinda looks like a pig nose.
05:34Exactly. All we need is a good old-fashioned get-rich-quick scheme.
05:37Oh, how about we make us some Dallas T-shirts and sell them to all the fans?
05:42Wait! Shut your pie hole.
05:43I got it. We'll make Dallas T-shirts and sell those to the fans.
05:46Boy, you are good with them ideas.
05:50Behold! The alluring power of live spectacle.
05:53You're welcome.
05:54Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go water down the top shelf booze.
05:57Try not to piss anybody off.
05:59Me? Please! I'm friendlier than herpes in a whorehouse.
06:02I'm Dallas.
06:02My dad said you were a good racer until you cheated.
06:05I got news for you, kid. Everybody cheats.
06:07That's why your daddy goes on so many business trips.
06:09Next!
06:10What an asshole.
06:11But he didn't answer me.
06:12What?
06:13Héhéhéhéhéhéhé!
06:15Dallas! My second favorite racer!
06:17Haha! That never gets old.
06:19Freddy Calhoun! My second favorite human on Phobos.
06:22Wait! I'm the only human on Phobos.
06:25Oh, you got me.
06:26I gotta say, you guys exposing my fraudulent trucking enterprise was the best thing that ever happened to me.
06:31Once I got the insurance money, I rebuilt all my robots and turned Phobos into a power station.
06:36Now, I supply the wireless power for all of Mars.
06:40Okay, well, you want an autograph or what?
06:42Oh, of course I do.
06:43Hey, did you hear? I've got my own set of wheels in the race.
06:46The Phobos power number one car.
06:48Ha! Number one car. Classic, Freddy.
06:51Ooh, can't wait to see the two big rivals back out on the track again.
06:55Wait, two big rivals? Who's your driver, Freddy?
06:58Hey there, Deli.
07:00How you doing?
07:01It's Whiskey Johnson.
07:02And that schoolteacher ended up making a full recovery build.
07:06The only difference is now he pees out of his tummy button.
07:08That story sounds medically inaccurate, Gene.
07:11But the real story today is the rekindled rivalry between Dallas Moonshiner and Whiskey Johnson.
07:16Keep your head in the race, Dallas.
07:17The only thing in my head right now is a colossal hangover. I got this.
07:26Contrary to all those TV commercials you see on the moon, Mars is not for morons anymore.
07:33I missed you too, Deli.
07:35So, how's Josh?
07:36He's great. He's bringing the twins up for the race next week.
07:39I could have had him, you know.
07:40Well, I highly doubt that. You're kind of not his type.
07:44Oh, really? Why? My ball's too big?
07:48Same old Dallas.
07:49Oh my God, are you guys talking about Josh?
07:51I thought he was amazing in the remake of The Notebook.
07:53Well, that's kind of you. He poured his heart and soul into that role.
07:57Hey, hey, Dallas. Don't look now, but Len Worthington, CEO of Gulp and Dump, is sitting at table three.
08:02So?
08:03So, let's go chat him up. Maybe you can help me land some of his trucking business.
08:07What? I don't give a shit about trucking anymore. I'm a racer now.
08:10Well, come on, Dallas. I've been doing all sorts of things to help you get ready for the race.
08:14So, stop doing them. You're fired.
08:16I'm fired.
08:16You stink at this anyway.
08:17The only thing that stinks around here is your attitude.
08:20And the atmosphere generators. And the potato farm. Not to mention the woodsman lives here.
08:25Yeah, right, Robo? This whole planet stinks.
08:27You know I can't smell. We've gone over this ad nauseum.
08:30Get your Dallas Monshiner t-shirts. Hot off the press. And technically, never been worn before.
08:36That'll be $20, sir.
08:39That feller look like the ghost of Colonel Sanders' abusive father.
08:42It's Monshiner? Man, I've been saying Moonshiner this whole time.
08:46I don't know, dude. I got it off the car.
08:49What the hell are you two doing outside of my casino?
08:51Selling some hot racing merch.
08:53I get 20% of all profits.
08:55Cool. That means we all gonna be millionaires then.
08:58The number one 75 cars are three wide at turn two.
09:01This race ain't big enough for the three of us.
09:03Dallas, be careful.
09:06Some people may call that dirty racing, but up here on Mars, we just call it racing.
09:10Looks like there may be some oil left on the track.
09:12Oil is a lubricant, you know. A lot of your water-based lubricants come in different flavors.
09:17Now my wife...
09:17Nope. No one wants to hear it, Gene.
09:22Hey, you sleeping?
09:24I'm pretending to sleep.
09:25We should go get a nightcap.
09:27We never go out the night before a race, Dallas.
09:29You never go out the night before a race.
09:31Hey, what was that?
09:31Nothing. It's just that I can't sleep. Butterflies.
09:34Honestly, I'm kind of nervous too.
09:35You see, I could use a drink and you could use a virus.
09:38I don't know.
09:39Just one. I'll just have one tiny itty-bitty baby drink and you'll do an itty-bitty teeny-little baby virus.
09:45We'll sleep better.
09:45Probably would calm my nerves.
09:46Right? Then we'll come back, sleep, be more refreshed tomorrow.
09:50If you think about it, it's actually the responsible thing to do.
09:55You cannot go out drinking the night before the race, Dallas.
09:58Bullshit. I can do whatever I want.
09:59Now go back to bed, Ellie.
10:00No. It's my job to make sure you're ready for tomorrow.
10:03Well, not anymore. I'm firing you.
10:05No, you're not.
10:05Now listen to me. I'm your cousin and I will not allow you to sabotage your shot at racing again.
10:10Look, I don't need you to tell me how to live my life.
10:12I especially don't need you to tell me how to prep for a race.
10:15But Dallas...
10:16Stop acting like such a bitch, Ellie.
10:18Like a what?
10:19You heard me, Pollyanna. I don't need you. I don't need any of you.
10:24I got my viruses. Hey, what's going on with her?
10:26Eh, probably just her nerves. Now let's go get phased.
10:28Phased?
10:29One drink. Let's just get one tiny drink.
10:31Oh my gosh. Should we go see what's wrong with Ellie?
10:34Let me give you a piece of advice, Fatty P.
10:36Never ever try and comfort a woman. They will call the cops.
10:40You know what? I'm gonna make a mental note of that.
10:42Smart. So what are you gonna do with your share of the T-shirt money?
10:45Well, I always dreamed of going back to school and finally getting my junior high diploma.
10:49Listen, I got two words for you. Waste of money and time.
10:53I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna invest in a full back tattoo.
10:57Man, you got all the good stuff.
10:58Imagine this. Laureline in a T-back thong, riding on top of the Laureline, cruising by Mount Rushmore.
11:03But instead of all the boring ass presidents carved into the mountain,
11:07it's four supermodels tits-a-blazin'.
11:10Man, that sounds so patriotic.
11:12One, two, three, shoot!
11:18Woo! How you feel, Robo?
11:19I feel really good, Dallas. I feel really loose.
11:22Error 560.
11:23See? Your last word.
11:26Woohoo! I see some things never change.
11:29Listen, Whiskey, the only thing that needs changing is your tighties after I blow your damn doors off.
11:34Ha ha ha! Trash talk. Real fun stuff.
11:38But in all seriousness, go easy. We want to give the fans a good show tomorrow.
11:42A good show? Racing is life!
11:46Error 437.
11:47Hey! We got Dallas Moonshine over here! Can I buy you a T-shirt?
11:51Error 437.
11:52Hey! We got Dallas Moonshine over here! Can I buy you a T-shirt?
11:56Well, we gotta give the people what they want.
11:58It would be rude not to.
12:10Execute! Execute! Execute!
12:13Error 560.
12:16Ha ha! Woo!
12:19All right, everybody! To the Waffle House!
12:22We're getting scattered, smothered and covered!
12:25You're gonna kick Whiskey Johnson's ass tomorrow!
12:27Damn right we are!
12:29I'm gonna wipe that smug look off your smug face, smuggo!
12:36Holy shit, Robo. I got the all-time number one best idea in the whole world.
12:40Let's do it, D-Bird!
12:42Stop twitching so much, Robo! You're messing up my art!
12:48Huh. Kinda looks like the woodsman now.
12:51Oh shit, Robo! Act casual!
12:53Evening, officers!
12:55Screw you, pigs!
13:00Error 437.
13:02Uh, don't we get a phone call or something?
13:04Not until you sober up, you rubby!
13:06Fine. Let me run my McAfee.
13:09Okay, I'm sober. Where's the phone?
13:11Now that is some bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!
13:15All right, all right. Time to calm down, Dallas.
13:17Oh, great! Here comes Nanny Bot 5000 back from Nag Island!
13:22You're a hanger-on, Robo!
13:24You only like me cause I'm famous!
13:26Come on, Dallas. You know that's not true.
13:30Bullshit!
13:38Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
13:40Shit, the race! I missed the race!
13:42Let me out! Get me out of here!
13:44Oh, God, what did I do?
13:46Oh, great. What is this?
13:48Some sort of I told you so parade?
13:50No. Dallas, we came here to ID your body.
13:52Yeah, I told them you died.
13:54Ellie, did she say we get to be in her parade?
13:56But, seeing as how you're still breathing and you fired us all, we'll be on our way.
14:01Uncle Danny, wait.
14:03No, Dallas. It's too late.
14:05No, I know it's too late, but at least let me say something.
14:08I'm sorry, guys.
14:10Look, I really cocked this up.
14:13And not just last night, either.
14:15As soon as Victor wanted me to drive,
14:17I don't know what, something just took over.
14:19It's not an excuse, but that's what happened.
14:21Ellie, you're the sweetest person I know.
14:23I can't believe the things I said to you.
14:25I'm sorry.
14:27Uncle Danny, you're the hardest working man I've ever met.
14:29When I screwed up everything on Earth, you took me in.
14:31And I don't deserve you.
14:33Fat Paul, you're such a great guy.
14:35And you're always there for me even when I'm not there for you.
14:37I'm sorry, buddy.
14:39And, Woodsman, I'm sorry.
14:41And, Woodsman, you know,
14:43you're someone that also is in the office.
14:47You're a guy.
14:49And you drive a truck, too,
14:51so you're like a co-worker of mine.
14:53A co-worker, huh?
14:55I appreciate those kind words, Dallas.
14:57And, Robo, you're only on Mars
14:59because of what I did back home.
15:01I know being here puts you in danger.
15:03There's a crazy white cowboy out there
15:05hunting you for Christ's sake.
15:07I gotta be better about keeping you safe.
15:09That's bullshit, Dallas. You know we keep each other safe.
15:11Thank you, Dennis.
15:13I always considered us moonshiners more than just a crummy family.
15:15We're a team.
15:17So you think when I get out of here,
15:19I can still have a job driving a truck for you?
15:21Yeah, of course you can, dummy.
15:23But you got a race to win first.
15:25What are you talking about? The race started five minutes ago.
15:27What? No. That clock's busted. The race starts in two hours.
15:29Really?
15:31Oh, yeah. So what do you think, Dennis?
15:33You ready to race?
15:35I am now.
15:49Hey, Danny, if you've got all your money in this car,
15:51how'd you get the cash to bail me out?
15:53You'll have to ask Fat Paul.
15:55Woody, I've been selling these Dallas T-shirts
15:57and we use all our profits to get you out.
15:59You like them?
16:01Uh, what do you say we just keep this a sincere moment?
16:04I like them too.
16:06Oh my God!
16:08He's so much hotter than Berserk.
16:10Ellie, come on, you're being ridiculous.
16:12No human being could possibly be that good.
16:14Holy shit!
16:16Well, I was wrong.
16:18Carry on, Ellie.
16:20Hey, Victor, I was thinking.
16:22After I win this race,
16:24why don't you and I take your car down to Earth
16:26and make some real money?
16:28Hell no! I'm gonna take that car
16:30and mount it right in the middle of my casino.
16:32You get 20%, right?
16:34Yeah, right.
16:36Oh, I love those guys.
16:38Oh, I can't believe that short sight...
16:40Dallas, focus. Don't let anybody get in your head.
16:42This is what we've been working for this whole time.
16:44We're racing again. You and I.
16:46And this is our chance to do it right.
16:48Hell yeah, you big lug. Let's kick some ass today.
16:50See you out there, number seven.
16:52I'm so excited to see my two favorite racers
16:54live and in person.
16:56I wanna hear it, Freddy, not right now.
16:58It doesn't matter if you win or lose, Dallas.
17:01All right, that's it.
17:03I'm gonna wipe the track with Whiskey Johnson's limp dick.
17:05I'll bet anything on it, anything I own.
17:07My steering wheel, my ponytail, what? Name it.
17:09Well, I've always had a little flutter
17:11in my heart for your truck.
17:13Fine. Whiskey wins, you get the overdrive.
17:15I win, I get your race car.
17:17Well, you got yourself a deal there.
17:19Pfft, idiot.
17:21All right, guys, let's bring it in.
17:23I love you guys. You know I couldn't do this without you.
17:25Moonshiner on three.
17:27One, two, three...
17:29♪♪♪
17:59♪♪♪
18:29Moonshiner!
18:31Crap, I hit the damn lap button.
18:33Wow, that's a record pit stop for Moonshiner.
18:35And now she has a real shot to take over the lead.
18:37You did it, team. Now I'm gonna finish this off.
18:39Time to hit the oxygen boost and take the lead.
18:41Whoa, whoa, whoa, I thought we said we weren't cheating.
18:43We were gonna do this the right way.
18:45What? I thought the right way was code for the oxygen boost way.
18:47Are we down to the same page here?
18:49You know you can beat Whiskey Johnson fair and square.
18:51You know it.
18:53Robo, this is our one shot. I blow his doors off
18:55and we'll be racing on Earth again.
18:57You think you're a better driver than he is? Now prove it.
18:59Prove you're not what they say you are.
19:01Robo...
19:03Short decision, Dallas. I trust you to make the right call.
19:07Damn it, Robo.
19:09All right, Whiskey, let's see what you got.
19:11The white flag is out and we're going into the final lap.
19:13Whiskey is still in the lead,
19:15but Dallas Moonshiner's making her move.
19:17As they round turn four and head down the final straightaway,
19:19you can forget about the Betty Crocker Cup Series.
19:21This finish will determine the best racer in the solar system.
19:23Oh, she did it! Dallas took the lead!
19:25Shit, yeah! Shit, yeah!
19:27Go, baby! Go, baby!
19:29I knew you could do it, Seven.
19:33Oh, my God!
19:35Whiskey Johnson takes the checkered flag by half a length!
19:37That was the single greatest race I've ever called!
19:39Hey, I'm back from the crapper, Bill.
19:41What did I miss?
19:43You are really something else.
19:45What? It started as a number one
19:47and ended as a number two.
19:49That's actually one hell of a segue, Gene,
19:51as Dallas Moonshiner was just beaten
19:53by her arch-rival, Whiskey Johnson.
19:55Slimy son of a bitch!
19:57You used oxygen, you cheated!
19:59Well, of course I cheated.
20:01It's an unsanctioned race on Mars.
20:03Why didn't you cheat?
20:05What are you, stupid?
20:11Hey, Dallas.
20:13I know you didn't win today,
20:15but you ran a clean race
20:17and you totally redeemed yourself out there
20:19in a great way.
20:21I'm really proud of you.
20:23I didn't do everything right, Robo.
20:25I actually did something really, really wrong.
20:27That was an amazing race, Dallas!
20:29I'm tingling!
20:31So, I'll come by in an hour
20:33for the pink slip and the keys
20:35to the Georgia Overdrive.
20:37What's he talking about, Dallas?
20:39Um...
20:45Come on! Come on! Settle down!
20:47All right, babe, now what do we got?
20:49It's dynamite!