Taskmaster AU S03 E03
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00:00No!
00:02No!
00:14We made it!
00:27Is this good television?
00:30Hello everyone and welcome to Taskmaster, my name's Tom Gleeson and whilst the audience
00:45here know that, it is not the name they've been chanting for hours outside this studio.
00:50That name ringing across the queue as well as in the hearts and minds of the nation has
00:54been and will always be the Taskmaster.
00:57Joining me tonight are five comedic folk of varying profiles, height and grasps on why
01:05they're here, who are vying to compete for a piece of art melted down from stolen artefacts.
01:12The statue of my golden head.
01:16They are Aaron Chen, Concetta Caristo, Mel Buttle, Peter Hellyer and Rhys Nicholson.
01:33And as always, here to make sure no one steals my shoes while I nap in the ad breaks, it's
01:39my assistant Tom Cashman.
01:43Lesser Tom, kick us off will you?
01:46Well our first task is a prize task, each of our contestants have bought in a prize
01:50and the person who wins tonight's episode will take home all five prizes.
01:55Tonight our contestants have been asked to bring in the quaintest thing.
01:58Okay, first up, Peter, what have you got?
02:02Well when I think quaint I think of my Nan and I was going to bring her tea cosy in but
02:07I thought that's not enough for Taskmaster.
02:09So I brought her tea cosy in but I put it on the urn of her ashes.
02:19And to make it clear, my Nan was alive three days ago.
02:25That's how much this means to me Tom!
02:27Okay, so just to be clear, you think that the tea cosy on top of the ashes is quaint,
02:32not the death?
02:33The death was quite quaint actually, it was a knitting accident.
02:39Alright Mel, what have you got?
02:40Oh we're going back to the oldie oldie days.
02:43I have brought along a calculator that's on a lanyard and it's pink.
02:53Okay, do all three things add to the quaintness?
02:56100% Big Daddy, yes.
03:01That colour is super like early 90s.
03:04The fact that a calculator that's already portable has been made into perhaps a fashion
03:09item if you wish.
03:10Super quaint.
03:11Okay, Conchita what did you bring in?
03:13I brought in Stamp News.
03:15It's a monthly magazine for stamp collectors.
03:18Do you have any idea what was going on in the stamp world in June of 1971?
03:23War.
03:27Aaron, what did you bring in?
03:28Well I don't know if it's really quaint or not but I got actually married recently to
03:35pursue a quieter life and my wife has a miniature schnauzer that she treasures who loves the
03:43countryside and my dad has taken up oil painting.
03:48I commissioned one.
03:55It's really good.
03:57A very adorable but is it quaint Aaron?
03:59I don't know, is it?
04:01Well I feel like on the way through you were really trying to upsize the quaintness of it.
04:05I think the countryside bit was not true.
04:09I live in the country now.
04:11Which part?
04:12Australia.
04:17Alright, Rhys, what did you bring in?
04:20Quaint, I think, kind of adorably old timey and so I have brought for you a straight white
04:26man who works in a family run tool shop.
04:36Well you said he was a straight white man, why is being straight quaint?
04:39Well, who's doing that anymore?
04:42Um, the majority.
04:45It seems very boring to me.
04:46Boring to me?
04:47I'm not hating straight culture, I think it's a fascinating group of people with your harsh
04:51fabrics and your violence.
04:55I don't mind it behind closed doors but I don't want it shoved down my throat.
05:03I feel like Rhys is on one.
05:05I had to hire an actor for that.
05:08Oh, thanks for confirming it's not even true.
05:11Also, I'm not sure a calculator at the end of a lanyard's that quaint.
05:15So, two points to Mel.
05:16I'm worried that we're going to be endorsing the idea that Peter Hellier's grandmother's
05:20death was quaint.
05:21Even though he pointed it out.
05:23Are you saying my nan died for three points?
05:29It's a dangerous message you're sending, mate.
05:31It really is.
05:32Well, I'm sticking to my guns, it's three points.
05:34Four points to Conchetta for the stamp magazine.
05:36But I think we have to agree the quaintest offering tonight was from Aaron Chen.
05:41Five points!
05:43Okay.
05:44A task proper, Mr Tom.
05:45Very well, but you're going to want to sit down for this one.
05:48Maybe.
06:04Hey, Bingeus, how's it going?
06:06Hello, Dave.
06:08Alan Keyes.
06:10Okay, just open the freaking envelope.
06:13Make yourself into a stylish yet functional piece of furniture.
06:17Most stylish yet functional piece of furniture wins.
06:21Tom will use furniture you for its intended purpose in 30 minutes.
06:27Your time starts now.
06:30What is furniture?
06:32The movable articles that are used to make a room or building suitable for living or working in.
06:37That's me in a nutshell.
06:38Let's name some types of furniture.
06:39Desk.
06:40Table.
06:41We've got chair.
06:42Before we continue, can we address something?
06:44This is a normal pencil. I'm so tiny.
06:47Bench.
06:48Wardrobe.
06:49Mattress.
06:51My old nickname in high school.
06:52I'm not being a mattress, you sick bastard.
06:55I'm just reading the list.
06:56If I was a chair, you'd have to sit on me. We're not doing that.
06:59Do you have a collection of anything? Do you have stuff that you would like to store?
07:02I used to collect business cards when I was a child.
07:05Oh mate, that's the grimmest thing I've ever heard in my life.
07:08Is a lamp furniture?
07:10Hi.
07:11Are you out of breath?
07:12No.
07:13Where am I allowed to be?
07:15Yeah, I am.
07:17I mean to turn on the lamp, you have to turn on the lamp.
07:21Yes you do. That's your job.
07:25Is this giving you the same type of thrill your business cards did?
07:27I don't think I've felt that thrill till I put all 640 in the bin.
07:32640.
07:35Milk.
07:36Fanta.
07:37Generic orange drink.
07:39Orange drink.
07:40Generic white drink.
07:42You can say milk.
07:43Oh, okay, sorry.
07:44All you need to do is make sure that you use me properly.
07:48Get ready to slurp.
07:49Get slurps up, mate.
07:55Do you want to know about my business card collection?
07:57Don't, don't. I've done this.
08:00We need more information.
08:01You actually had a business card collection?
08:03I had them in like a photo album with like my favourites in there
08:06and then I had a second bit for the second tier.
08:11And I got rid of them because when I was like 8,
08:13I remember asking my dad,
08:14Dad, do you reckon I've got the biggest business card collection
08:16in the world?
08:17And my dad was like, oh, sometimes at conferences people will just
08:20put their business cards into like a big thing for a competition
08:23and I reckon there's probably more in there than you've got.
08:26So I just went and put all of them in the bin.
08:29Aw!
08:30Even the A tier ones?
08:34I kept the A tier ones.
08:39You're like that guy in the movie Psycho.
08:43Alright, whose stylish yet functional furniture selves
08:45should we see first?
08:47When it comes to furniture, like a waterbed,
08:49these two are getting to an age where they're cool again.
08:51It's Mel and Pete.
08:54Oh, it's good to be home.
08:56But it's a bit dark in here.
08:57God, I should turn the lamp on.
09:04I'm not sure how to turn on this lamp.
09:06Look on the desk.
09:09To use this very functional lamp,
09:11play a dainty tune on the red recorder
09:14and then say out loud, give me light, Lampy.
09:17I predict that you've had a big day
09:19and so I've brought home two butter chickens instead of one.
09:23There we go, I've turned the lamp on.
09:26Give me light, Lampy.
09:31Give me light, Lampy.
09:35Light is coming.
09:38Look at you, God, you're gorgeous.
09:39You're fascinating, aren't you?
09:40You're a big tall drink of water.
09:42Walked right on in there on those two feet.
09:44Wow, the charm is really lighting up the room.
09:47But it also has a shade.
09:49Uh-oh, nice whistle, bitch.
09:51What are you, a PE teacher?
09:52Bus driver?
09:53Hm?
09:54Teacher aid?
09:55You need a whistle for?
09:56One more time.
09:57It wasn't dainty enough.
09:58OK.
10:04Give me light, Lampy.
10:06Wow, really quick this time.
10:08I really want to turn this lamp off.
10:11I always wear transition lenses.
10:14It's not helped by the fact that it's in front of
10:16quite a functional lamp, shining quite brightly.
10:22It's movable.
10:24People say functionality can't be fun.
10:26I put the fun in functionality.
10:29Yay!
10:30What was the style element?
10:33Huh?
10:35Thanks, Tom.
10:36Thanks, Mel.
10:37You're not taking this with you?
10:39No thanks.
10:46Pete, were you stylish?
10:48Yes, yes.
10:50I was stylish.
10:51I mean, he surprised me by being able to play
10:53a jaunty tune.
10:54Actually, that shocked me.
10:56Were you trying to wrong-foot him by asking him
10:58to play the recorder?
10:59Well, there was a note on the table and he missed the note.
11:01He was like fumbling around my pants and stuff.
11:05I apologise.
11:06Yeah.
11:07I was doing what I usually do with a normal lamp,
11:09is try to find where it is that you turn it on.
11:12Not one this stylish, mate.
11:15So you're saying it was more functional for a lamp
11:17to have a note written by the lamp on the table
11:19to turn it on.
11:20That doesn't sound functional to me.
11:22Yeah, I guess what I'm hoping for at this stage
11:24is the others have f***ed up their task.
11:27The more stylish a lamp, the harder it is to...
11:29Like, when you're in a nice hotel,
11:30it's hard to turn on the lamp sometimes.
11:32I agree.
11:33Like, when I'm staying at a really nice hotel,
11:34often I say,
11:35look at that middle-aged man in the corner
11:36with the lampshade on his head.
11:39I hope there's a laborious way of turning him on.
11:41Oh, great, there's a note on the table
11:43and then I read it at length
11:44and I'm still in the dark so I can barely read it.
11:48It's a bloody nightmare.
11:49You weren't stylish and you weren't functional.
11:52So, Mel, compared to Pete,
11:54you were very stylish.
11:56That's not saying much.
11:57Thanks.
11:58Now, two curries turn you on.
12:00What does three do?
12:02That's a mop and bucket situation.
12:10Same thing happens when Lesser Tom
12:12sees a few business cards.
12:15It's time for some advertisements.
12:16More nonsense flat-packed into human comedian for next.
12:31Welcome back to Taskmaster,
12:32where five Australian comedians
12:34are finally doing something useful with their lives
12:37by turning themselves into furniture.
12:39That's right.
12:40They've replaced wood with flesh
12:41and screws with bones
12:42and lampshades with lampshades.
12:45Here's three more
12:46I picked up off Gumtree for a steal
12:48and chucked in the back of my ute consensually.
12:51It's Aaron, Conchetta and Rhys.
12:53Wow, I'm so thirsty after a long day.
12:55I need something now from my stylish yet functional minibar.
13:10Why don't you get into bed?
13:12Hi, Tom.
13:15Oh, shit.
13:17Hi, Tom.
13:22Oh, my God.
13:23The minibar talks.
13:25Yeah, it's got the internet.
13:26Look at my cool sunglasses.
13:28Oh, they're quite stylish.
13:29I'm very stylish.
13:32Tom, I'm walking.
13:38Have a drink.
13:39Have a drink?
13:40Maybe the white one.
13:41Oh, the white drink was spilled earlier.
13:43Don't cry over spilled milk.
13:45Okay.
13:46It tells jokes as well.
13:48Oh, great.
13:50When the moon hits your eyes
13:53like a big pizza pie
13:55that's amore.
13:58Like a bite of me
14:02in the functional and stylish bed.
14:07Mmm.
14:08Yeah, well...
14:10Delicious.
14:11Anything you want to it.
14:13Can it love?
14:15I think I'm good to get out of bed right now, if I'm honest.
14:18Oh, then I'll play the alarm.
14:20Wake up, Tom.
14:22Wake up.
14:23It's time to get up, Tom.
14:24Out of bed.
14:26Is this...
14:27This is love?
14:28Yeah.
14:29Okay.
14:30Mm-hmm.
14:31Right.
14:32Thanks.
14:33Yep.
14:34Oh.
14:35That's detachable.
14:36Okay.
14:37I did it.
14:38Ha-ha.
14:40Thanks, Rhys.
14:41Thanks, Tom.
14:42Okay, thank you.
14:43Oh, my God, we should do...
14:45I mean, we shouldn't, but, like...
14:47That...
14:48That's, you know...
14:49Doesn't have much to do with the task.
14:51No.
14:55So we had a plastic tablecloth, a rotting ladder
14:58and a white sheet with a hole in it.
15:01The lamps are looking pretty good.
15:03We're back, we're back.
15:04We're back, baby.
15:05You look like the underside of a massage table, Rhys.
15:08That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
15:11I must say, you did look stylish.
15:14In fact, I feel like you're the only one who put in any effort at all,
15:17and by effort, I mean you put on some cool sunnies.
15:19Going from one end of the style spectrum to the other, Aaron...
15:24..tell me what was stylish about your presentation.
15:27It's, um, rustic.
15:29Yeah.
15:30And...
15:33And I could go on.
15:38Now, Conchetta, is there any part of your personality
15:41that's not Italian?
15:44It keeps being brought up.
15:45Yeah, I just went with my roots and my genes.
15:48Well, I think one of the flaws of your presentation
15:50is also one of your flaws as a person.
15:55You were a bit too giggly.
15:58And as a table, that's a disadvantage.
16:01I know, it's a horrible flaw.
16:03OK, so we're looking for functional and stylish.
16:06That's it.
16:07Easy. Aaron's on one,
16:08cos he was neither functional or stylish.
16:10OK.
16:11I'm going to have to give Pete two.
16:12He wasn't stylish cos he was dressed like he always is...
16:16..with a lampshade on his head.
16:17Well, out of the two lamps, I think Mel was more stylish, slightly.
16:20Um, I'm going to have to say I quite liked Conchetta's table.
16:23Four points.
16:24But the most stylish, definitely, was the upside-down massage table,
16:27which was Rhys Nicholson with five!
16:33What?!
16:34All right, my pink lanyard calculator,
16:36do some maths.
16:37Who's winning?
16:38Well, if it was a competition for losing,
16:40then Mel and Pete would be winning on five each,
16:43and Conchetta would be losing disgracefully with eight points!
16:46You're winning.
16:47Oh!
16:50OK, just proceed as per the format of the show, Lesser Tom.
16:54The next one sees me and the contestants go toe-to-toe.
17:07It'd be much easier if you moved the caravan closer to the house,
17:10by the way.
17:11That's fine.
17:12I'll walk.
17:17Hi, Rhys.
17:18Hello.
17:19Woo!
17:20Football.
17:21The beautiful game.
17:22You want to play?
17:23Yeah, I love this game.
17:24HE GROANS
17:28Oh.
17:31I guess I won.
17:32Time for the task.
17:33Let's have a look.
17:35Create an original two-player sport and play against Tom.
17:40You and Tom must play your sport for five minutes maximum.
17:43Most original sport wins.
17:45However, if Tom beats you, you will lose two points.
17:50You have 20 minutes to plan your sport.
17:54Time starts now.
17:55OK.
17:56Boom, he's pressed it.
17:57Sport.
17:58What even is sport?
18:00You're not going to win the game.
18:02You're not going to win the game.
18:04You don't even know what the game is.
18:06You're not going to win, mate.
18:11OK, five comedians trying to do sport.
18:14I wonder how this is going to go.
18:16Which athlete are we going to see first?
18:18They ask the question, what even is sport?
18:20Which surely bodes well.
18:21It's Rhys Nicholson.
18:23I think I want to call the sport touch ball.
18:26That's the ball.
18:27That's the ball.
18:28You've got to touch it with this.
18:30OK.
18:31Touch ball.
18:32Welcome, everyone, to the first annual touch ball tournament.
18:40Rules are simple.
18:41The ball-wanter will be blindfolded for 90 seconds.
18:46The ball-toucher has to keep the ball safe
18:49and untouched by the ball-wanter for five minutes.
18:53So I reckon we begin.
18:54And go.
19:01LAUGHTER
19:22John!
19:2823.
19:2922.
19:30Oh, my God, are you going to do it?
19:32No!
19:34No!
19:36No!
19:41No!
19:45Congratulations.
19:48You're the new ball-toucher.
19:50I'm the ball-toucher.
19:51Well done.
19:52It feels good.
19:54I feel terrible.
20:01So, Lesser Tom, you won.
20:03You know what would be written on my business card now?
20:06Victorious.
20:08Or ball-toucher.
20:09Ball-toucher.
20:11Yeah.
20:12Well, first up, I've just got to say, Rhys,
20:14how did you get through all of that with no double entendre?
20:17That was a very disciplined effort from you.
20:19It was hard.
20:22There we go.
20:23Back on track.
20:24Sutton, Sutton Gate.
20:26Which sporting pioneer are we going to see next?
20:29It's semi-professional spectator Peter Hellyer.
20:32Drop bears are famous in Australia, but what about the reverse?
20:35Throwing bears up.
20:36Reverse drop bear.
20:37Reverse drop bear.
20:38All right, let's do it.
20:43Welcome to everyone watching around the world
20:45to Reverse Drop Bear.
20:46Here with Tom Cashman.
20:47You must be looking forward to this one again.
20:49I was not familiar with this game until quite recently.
20:52You and your jokes.
20:53Of course, the rules are you need to use this paddle
20:56to hit a koala back up a tree.
20:58You get three attempts.
20:59Of course, you know this.
21:01I'll go first.
21:02OK.
21:05Oh, it came down.
21:06Bloody hell.
21:07I'm going to go higher, I think.
21:09OK.
21:10Oh, bloody...
21:11Have you played before?
21:13Yeah, I have.
21:15Oh, no, no.
21:16Here we go.
21:17OK.
21:18The door's open, wide open.
21:19This is embarrassing for me.
21:20Oh, I'm not...
21:21OK.
21:25That was a good technique, actually.
21:27It's a fun game, though, isn't it?
21:28Look at the smile on your face.
21:29You're loving it.
21:33He loves it.
21:34What a fun game.
21:36It's a fun game, I told you.
21:39Oh, it's a big one.
21:43You just won Reverse Drop Bear.
21:47Look, he loves it, too.
21:49Thanks, babe.
21:50Fun game.
21:54Hang on, are you turning into a winner?
21:58Because as far as I can see, that's two from two.
22:00Mm-hm.
22:01Or is it?
22:02Are you sure, Pete?
22:03Like, you're the inventor of Reverse Drop Bear,
22:05and I feel like you said, hit the bear into the tree.
22:08Yeah.
22:09And I don't think you hit it.
22:10I think it was more of a catapult action.
22:12Absolutely, and this has been a massive controversy.
22:16I mean, I think probably later on the points went back to me
22:19because that was illegal.
22:21Are you sure, though?
22:22Because I feel like I should defer to you,
22:24but I do remember you in the clip saying very clearly,
22:27you won.
22:30But Tom...
22:31You did.
22:32You said congratulations.
22:33Tom, please.
22:34You shook his hand.
22:35Please.
22:36We are out in the field, you are in a studio.
22:38It is tough out there.
22:40I am creating the sport, I am commentating,
22:43and I'm obviously not officiating as well as I should have been.
22:46When you were commentating, you said, great technique.
22:51Yeah, you did.
22:52Well, I didn't think you were going to show that bit, did I?
22:56All right.
22:57Sport me, sport.
22:58This next contestant said he'd win before the game even existed.
23:01How will he fare when it does?
23:02It's Aaron Chen.
23:03This is a sport that asks the questions,
23:06what if penalty shoot-outs were in three different sports?
23:10Mm.
23:11Table tennis, basketball and yoga.
23:15Best of three.
23:16During play, you can only stand in your cardboarded area.
23:19First serve, it's going to hit the shelf.
23:21It's a two-fault rule.
23:22OK.
23:23Skateboard toss to decide who serves.
23:26Ah, wheels up.
23:29Wheels down, unfortunately.
23:31OK.
23:33Oh!
23:34Yeah, so I serve again.
23:35Oh.
23:36I'm serving for the game.
23:37The coin toss was to determine who serves.
23:40For the whole game.
23:41The game, yeah.
23:42Oh.
23:44So, that's 1-0.
23:45So, this is your sport, basketball.
23:48Oh, that's a fault.
23:50That's a fault.
23:59That's your point.
24:00So, it comes down to the final round.
24:02And now I'm regretting serving on this one.
24:04Mm.
24:05It's quite difficult.
24:10See, that's...
24:11Sike!
24:13So, it's a reset.
24:15Oh, that's a fault.
24:16Fault, fault.
24:18Oh, my gosh.
24:19It's a double fault.
24:21Is that the end of the game?
24:22Yeah.
24:23Well played.
24:24How do you think you went?
24:25Not good.
24:27What's the name of this sport we've just played?
24:29Table tennis, basketball and yoga, but much more original.
24:37So, is that three from three?
24:39My God!
24:40So, Aaron...
24:41Yeah.
24:42Can you please explain the rules to table tennis,
24:44basketball and yoga, but much more original?
24:49So, the first rule is that it states
24:52that it's the most original sport ever created,
24:56and that's in the lore of the game.
25:00And the second rule is that if you win the game,
25:03you actually lose.
25:07Really?
25:08Yeah.
25:09Alright, now it's time for another completely original sport
25:12involving you versus consumerism.
25:15Just try to resist.
25:20Welcome back to Classmaster,
25:22where our comedians are competing for the eternal drapery
25:26of Pete's Nana's ashes.
25:29Listen, Tom, what are we doing?
25:31Our contestants are trying to create the most original sport.
25:34They are deducted two points if I beat them at said sport.
25:38So far, I am three from three.
25:40Who's next?
25:41We've just found out she's Italian.
25:43It's Conchetta Caristo.
25:45Who's next?
25:46We've just found out she's Italian.
25:48It's Conchetta Caristo.
25:50Hello and welcome to Phone Slap,
25:53the newest sport craze that's driving the kids wild.
25:58All you need is two top hats,
26:00two old rotary phones
26:03and three balls of wool.
26:05How do you play the game, you ask?
26:07Well, you grab your phone
26:09and you must hit the yarns of wool into the top hat
26:14as much as you can.
26:15If you get it in, you must say...
26:18Hats off to you.
26:20..the opponent, if they can,
26:22throw their yarn of wool into the...
26:25..bath.
26:27Points, no points.
26:29And then I get the point.
26:31And then that goes just until someone gets one point.
26:35Oh, one time only kind of deal.
26:38Off we go. Rats!
26:41Oh!
26:46That's it!
26:48What?!
26:50Hats off to you.
26:52I beat you! I beat you!
26:54Nine minutes before you said that.
26:56Hats off to you.
26:57Congratulations to you.
27:04You didn't win, Lester Tom.
27:06I did not win.
27:07I forgot that I had to say hats off to you
27:10and, frankly, I panicked.
27:12What a game!
27:14Talk us through the character choice.
27:16I'm not sure it added to the game.
27:18Well, I think England, they're a crazy bunch
27:21but they are known for their fancy sports.
27:24Croquet, cricket, horse.
27:27Horse stuff.
27:29They've got that great sport, horse.
27:32Final quarter time, who's our would-be buzzer-beater, Tom?
27:36It's been a great sport.
27:37If the aim of that sport is to be a bit mean to me,
27:40it's Bell Bottle.
27:42Welcome to the fantastic sport of...
27:46rowing whilst flowing!
27:48Yay!
27:49This is a freestyle rap rowing contest.
27:53You must be flowing whilst you're rowing.
27:55If your flow stops, your row stops.
27:57Your job is to row whilst flowing around the lily pads
28:01and cross the finish line here, which is the end of the lily pads.
28:05You'll be given a one-word prompt to start your freestyle rap.
28:08You'll be going first because you're my guest.
28:11Tom, your randomly generated word is cemetery.
28:16I'm rocking in a cemetery.
28:18I'm not being sedentary.
28:21I'm rowing in a boat.
28:23This is bigger than a moat, it's a lagoon.
28:27Excuse me, you have stopped flowing but you're still rowing.
28:30I don't know the direction.
28:32I don't have an erection.
28:34Thank God.
28:35But neither might...
28:37How is this so bad?
28:39I don't understand.
28:41I'm now going the wrong way once again.
28:44Stop it!
28:45WHISTLE BLOWS
28:47And time is up.
28:49How do you think you went?
28:51That is probably the worst performance of anything I've ever done.
28:54I suspect you'll do better.
28:56Let's see if she can do it.
28:57OK.
28:58The former state champion...
29:01rower.
29:02Your randomly generated word is grimace.
29:05Grimace.
29:06Ariane Titmuss, she's a swimmer from Australia.
29:09She's the best and I'm the rest.
29:11The ducks on the lake, I think they are fake.
29:14I'm stuck in the weeds, I'm getting no leads
29:16but I'm rowing while I'm flowing.
29:18Yes, I'm rowing while I'm flowing.
29:19That is the chorus.
29:20Please don't bore us.
29:21I'm rowing while I'm flowing.
29:23Just doing more rowings on the lily pads.
29:25Geez, I'm not bad.
29:27Someone went to a school where this was a sport
29:29and I can freestyle a cappella off my dome.
29:32Holidays, where am I going?
29:33All the way to Rome and Greece.
29:35But it looks like nice.
29:36You better think twice
29:37because you're going to lose this sport that I've created.
29:40Is that a victory?
29:42Looks like it.
29:49So, Mel, I feel like we're going to be seeing you rapping a lot
29:51across the series.
29:52Yo, bro, because it's hard to say
29:54because I just don't know but Rhys is gay
29:56and I'm...
30:00Were you wearing life jackets for safety
30:02or was that to cover your mum's spaghetti?
30:06I love that you are aware of a culture that I sometimes relate to.
30:10Some would argue appropriate.
30:12No, hip-hop is a mind state, it's not an area code.
30:15I've famously always said that.
30:18Alright, well, I think we've got to do some scores, yeah?
30:20Well, I feel like a good way of trying to work my way through this
30:23is if I understood the sport really well,
30:26it's probably not that original.
30:28Whereas if I had no idea what was going on,
30:30it's because it was so new and artistic,
30:32it must be highly original.
30:34So, from the top to bottom, I think Conchita gets five
30:37because I had no idea what was going on.
30:42Aaron gets four.
30:45Combining rowing and flowing, that was very original,
30:47so three points to Mel.
30:49I really enjoyed Reverse Drop Bear,
30:51but it's just a bureaucracy that the people that run it,
30:53they're the ones that shit me.
30:55What started off as a really sad week for our family
30:57is getting worse.
31:00Well, it's two points.
31:02Last of all, I've got Rhys on one point
31:04because I knew exactly what was going on with your game.
31:06Those are not the final scores, though,
31:08because the two points needs to be deducted from the sports
31:11where I was victorious.
31:12What?!
31:13Conchita will still take home five points
31:15and we have Mel with three points, Aaron with two,
31:17Pete with zero and Rhys minus one.
31:24Alright, do we have time for another task?
31:26Of course, imagine if we didn't.
31:27We would have really messed things up.
31:29Fortunately, we've kept it together.
31:47Hey, Tom.
31:48Hi, Pete.
31:51Hi, Rhys.
31:52Hi, Tom.
31:53Hey, Conchita.
31:54What's going on?
31:55Not much, we were just about to do a task.
31:57Plain room, no theme.
31:59Just a simple card.
32:01Yep, simple card for a simple task.
32:03Let me read this.
32:05Try not to do it one-handed from now on.
32:07OK.
32:08Rip the task card into as many pieces as possible.
32:11Most pieces win.
32:13You have two minutes.
32:14Your time starts now.
32:26Alright, this task sounds like one of those tasks
32:29that's too simple to be true.
32:30Should we get straight into it?
32:31I think we should.
32:32You little ripper and you little ripper.
32:35I've just pointed at Aaron and Rhys.
32:39You like that?
32:41You like this?
32:42Yeah, you like this.
32:44Are you going to maintain eye contact with me the whole time?
32:48LAUGHTER
32:53This is the most eye contact I've ever made with someone, I reckon.
32:56Don't lose any pieces, OK?
32:58And I've been with my partner for 12 years.
33:00Lay it up, rip through.
33:02That's it.
33:07LAUGHTER
33:12Oh, f***.
33:14I refuse to play the next task.
33:17I've got to piece it back together, don't I?
33:25Is this one scored?
33:27Or is it more about sticking it back together?
33:29All the information you need is in the task.
33:31Complete the task written on the back of the previous task card.
33:37LAUGHTER
33:40Fastest wins.
33:42Your time started when you entered the lab.
33:44You can't... You...
33:46Mmm!
33:48LAUGHTER
33:50Get rid of the pieces that have nothing.
33:53I can see insult, Tom.
33:55I was arrogant coming in.
33:57You think?
33:58Yeah, I was doing that one-hand opening the card thing.
34:00I don't know what to do.
34:02You made quite a lot of eye contact with me,
34:04not a lot of eye contact with the card.
34:07So, is it insult you the most?
34:14Insult, Tom.
34:16Something-est wins.
34:18You didn't blow your whistle.
34:19I'm just going to insult you a lot and then leave.
34:21Oh.
34:23Insult you must.
34:25This is probably the best work opportunity you're going to get.
34:29Is that an insult?
34:31It will be in about 10 years, yeah.
34:33Insult the...
34:36Yeah, I reckon.
34:39When I started doing the little tiny rips,
34:41you had this, like, micro-expression that was, like,
34:44with your dumb little face.
34:46It's another one to add to the insults.
34:48Yeah.
34:49Thanks, Rhys. Thanks, Tom.
34:51Insult...
34:53your stupid.
34:55Why didn't I just insult you after the taskbar?!
35:02I hate you.
35:05Thanks very much.
35:09Thanks, Aaron.
35:11Bye.
35:16So, what did you say about me, Aaron?
35:19Hey, um, I like you, man.
35:22Because you can say it now to my face.
35:25I... What... Um...
35:28All right, so, Aaron took a while to do it.
35:30He was insulting me for a bit too long.
35:33And, ironically, he said I was stupid.
35:36OK.
35:37Aaron took eight minutes and 20 seconds to insult me.
35:40Oh, OK. So, what about Rhys, then?
35:42Rhys took six minutes and 55 seconds to insult me.
35:46Go, Rhys.
35:48Like, I think that was genuinely a rare day
35:50that I didn't start the task by insulting you, ironically.
35:53Look at his dumb little face now.
35:55He's like, it was the best day of my life!
35:58All right, we're tearing this task right down the middle
36:01with the blunt scissors of the TV world ads.
36:04More insulting of this no-hoper next to me soon.
36:17Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia,
36:19where five professional comedians are competing
36:22for the ownership of one of this country's most endangered species,
36:26a middle-aged white man.
36:28Fill us in, Lester-Tom.
36:29These contestants are tearing up a task card
36:31into as many pieces as possible, but it's just a distraction.
36:33Their real task is to do something
36:35that they would never do in real life, insult me.
36:38Before the next contestant, I just want to say
36:40sticks and stones may break my bones,
36:42so please, no-one throw any sticks or stones at me.
36:44Here's Mel Buddle.
36:46Have other people ever got more than nine, do you reckon?
36:49Are you aiming for more than nine?
36:51Yes.
36:55Don't forget there's these ones on the floor.
36:59I knew it, I knew it.
37:03OK.
37:04Complete the task written on the back of the previous task card.
37:09Fastest wins.
37:11I might have to just guess what the task is, Tom,
37:14cos I am unable to see what it is.
37:16I'm going to guess that it is...
37:19..Make You Feel Good About Yourself.
37:21Although you are single and live alone,
37:24there's still hope.
37:26I like that you don't brush that front bit of hair.
37:29The ears do not need to be pinned back.
37:31Whoever said that, wrong.
37:34Regardless of what your ex said,
37:36I would refer her to the legal average penis size.
37:40I think being pescetarian is a super good choice.
37:44The post with your sister on your recent trip.
37:47Yeah.
37:48Normal!
37:50The fact that you drive a Peugeot...
37:56..is endearing.
37:57When I'm thinking about your time on the project,
38:00I think it was fine.
38:01Right.
38:02Eye contact, you don't get a lot of it.
38:04I know why.
38:05I read an article.
38:06OK.
38:07You know what?
38:08Why don't you use those big glassy eyes
38:10that look like there's a shark behind them
38:13and you read the article yourself with your eyes?
38:17Thank you, Tom!
38:22Mel, did you even realise you'd completed the task?
38:24Nope!
38:25You had no idea what had happened?
38:27No, none at all.
38:28There were 21 tasks where Mel,
38:30within the first five seconds of entering, insulted me.
38:33She called me bin juice 13 separate times
38:37and maggot seven times.
38:39But this was an occasion where she did not insult me.
38:42For some reason, you just held back.
38:45Sometimes I felt it's bullying.
38:48Like, look at him.
38:49What's he got to live for?
38:52Well, I felt that when you said that you thought the task
38:55was about making him feel good about himself...
38:57Yes.
38:58..it sounded to me like you were being sarcastic.
39:00What?!
39:01Weren't they all insults?
39:02No.
39:03What, you just took them all on face value?
39:05Yeah, the words, as stated, were compliments.
39:08I felt like there was a tone there.
39:10Didn't get that.
39:13Mel took 17 minutes and 28 seconds to insult me.
39:18You're dead meat, mate.
39:21All right, let's see someone else fall for your little trick, Tom.
39:25He's old enough to remember Natalie Imbruglia before Torn,
39:28so he's not all out of faith.
39:29It's Peter Hellyer.
39:32Do you want to help me?
39:33Do you want to test them out?
39:35Tiny ones.
39:38It's fun, isn't it?
39:39A little bonding exercise.
39:40Yeah.
39:41You can get them even smaller.
39:42OK, if you say so.
39:44There's many pieces, yeah?
39:46There's many pieces.
39:47I can't go back and read it now.
39:48Who knows now, yeah?
39:49I haven't got time to put it all back together.
39:51Impossible to read now.
39:52Yeah.
39:55Hands off.
40:04I think I know what this is.
40:07And in advance, f*** you.
40:14You've completed your task.
40:15Oh.
40:16Thanks, mate.
40:20There's something on the back, wasn't there?
40:21Did I read it?
40:22And you've done it.
40:23Thanks, mate.
40:24I did it?
40:25Yep.
40:26Did I do it successfully?
40:27You did.
40:28I believe you.
40:31I'm not sure if I regret saying f*** you, Tom,
40:33so I may take that back in the future.
40:37We'll leave it hanging in there for now.
40:39OK.
40:40But I may take it back.
40:42The task is complete.
40:43OK.
40:44Thanks, mate.
40:49So now that we're back in the studio,
40:51would you like to take it back?
40:52No, Tom, I would not.
40:54So on the day, did you, like Mel,
40:56have no idea how you'd finished?
40:58I'm finding everything out now.
41:00I literally had no idea.
41:02Pete took three minutes and five seconds to insult me.
41:07So who's left, Tom?
41:08She wouldn't insult a fly.
41:09I think she's obsessed with flies.
41:11It's Conchetta Caristo.
41:13Hi, Tom.
41:14Hey, Conchetta.
41:20F*** you, suck ugly.
41:26Thanks, Conchetta.
41:31And that was very impressive.
41:33Unlike everyone else, I don't like to insult Tom.
41:35I like Tom.
41:39Do you want to say it back?
41:42I like you too.
41:45You did say to him, f*** you, suck ugly.
41:50Which, just to be clear to the kids at home,
41:51you're not supposed to say unless it's in a professional setting
41:54and you're saying it to a colleague.
41:56It's Conchetta's time to insult me.
41:58Fourteen seconds.
42:03So that means we have Mel in fifth place,
42:05Aaron in fourth,
42:07Rhys in third,
42:08Pete's got second place,
42:09but Conchetta wins the task with five points.
42:13Alright.
42:15It's time for a break.
42:16Come back to see how these comedians go in a live task
42:19without all that camera trickery to make them look competent.
42:22See you after this.
42:35Welcome back to the television show Taskmaster,
42:38a show that has a make-a-wish element to it
42:41in the form of allowing this little human hamster next to me
42:45to have a crack at something that outside the show
42:49he never gets to do.
42:51Score.
42:54So have a go.
42:55Who's leading this episode, Lesser Tom?
42:57Well, Rhys is currently the little toe with eight points
43:00and with an amazing 18 points, Conchetta is the big toe!
43:06Alright.
43:07Everything's still to play for unless by everything
43:09you mean winning this episode.
43:11Sorry, Rhys.
43:12Let's head upstairs for a live task.
43:16So what's going on here, Tom?
43:20I'll let Rhys explain.
43:22Play in the first annual touch ball tournament.
43:31Oh my God!
43:33Each contestant will get to play both as ball toucher
43:37and as ball wanter.
43:39As per international touch ball rules,
43:43on Tom's first whistle, the ball toucher will have 15 seconds
43:47to place the ball within the touch ball arena.
43:50On Tom's second whistle, the ball wanter must try
43:54to touch the ball with their fake leg as fast as possible.
43:58Who thought of these rules?
44:00The ball toucher may not touch the ball or the ball wanter
44:05after placing the ball.
44:07The ball wanter will be blindfolded throughout.
44:11Best touch ball player wins.
44:13Tom will now announce the first randomly selected
44:17touch ball pairing.
44:19So Aaron will be the first ball toucher
44:22and Rhys, you will get your opportunity to be a ball wanter.
44:28Rhys, can you please put your blindfold on?
44:42LAUGHTER
44:44Round two, Kinsheta will be the ball toucher
44:47and Pete will be the ball wanter.
44:51I'm in your freaking mind!
44:53You don't even know what to ride and what to left.
44:57You're a freak!
45:04LAUGHTER
45:06Did I get it?
45:08Did you pop the ball?
45:11CHEERING
45:13Next up, we have Mel as the ball toucher
45:15and Kinsheta as the ball wanter.
45:17WHISTLE BLOWS
45:22WHISTLE BLOWS
45:23We had this really good two-card podcast today
45:25about a girl who was blindfolded in an arena
45:27and she had to try and touch a ball.
45:29If she touched the ball, guess what would happen?
45:32LAUGHTER
45:34Next up, we have Pete as the ball toucher
45:36and Aaron as the ball wanter.
45:38WHISTLE BLOWS
45:41LAUGHTER
45:44WHISTLE BLOWS
45:47LAUGHTER
46:08WHISTLE BLOWS
46:10The final round, we have Rhys as the ball toucher
46:13and Mel as the ball wanter.
46:15WHISTLE BLOWS
46:17WHISTLE BLOWS
46:22WHISTLE BLOWS
46:24LAUGHTER
46:39CHEERING
46:44All right, we're going to see who the winner is,
46:46but we know the real winner is capitalism,
46:48so let them have their win with another ad break!
46:51CHEERING
46:53MUSIC
46:58CHEERING
47:02Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
47:04If you've just joined us, you've missed an adorable story
47:07about Aaron's dad painting his wife's shit dog.
47:11Lesser Tom, scores for that live task, please.
47:14Well, the best wanter was Conchetta with a new world record,
47:1810.44 seconds.
47:20Touching.
47:21CHEERING
47:23Best ball toucher was Rhys, with their very controversial effort
47:26to keep it away from Mel for 41 seconds.
47:29CHEERING
47:30So, if you look at the aggregated ball-touch-to-want-score ratio,
47:34we have Mel in last, then Aaron, then Pete in the middle,
47:37runner-up Conchetta,
47:38and the winner of the first annual touchball tournament,
47:41the founder and creator of the Touchball World Association,
47:44it's Rhys Neffles-Lewis!
47:45CHEERING
47:47APPLAUSE
47:50And remember, always touch balls responsibly.
47:53LAUGHTER
47:54Alright, more importantly, who's winning this episode
47:57and going to be heading home
47:58to touch our straight white handyman's balls?
48:01LAUGHTER
48:02So, we have Mel on 10, Aaron on 12, Rhys on a lucky 13,
48:06then Pete on a lovely 14,
48:08but Conchetta is the episode's winner with 22 points!
48:10CHEERING
48:13Congratulations, Conchetta!
48:15Get up there and take that man!
48:17CHEERING
48:20Right, Conchetta, you just stay up there
48:22and listen to that background extra
48:24posing as a hardware store owner's spiel
48:27about how climate change is a hoax.
48:29LAUGHTER
48:30Whilst we get an update on our overall season scoreboard.
48:34The leader in the series by 10 total points
48:36is Conchetta with 54 points.
48:38CHEERING
48:40OK, that's it.
48:42That's it, another episode of Taskmaster In The Bag.
48:45But what did we learn?
48:47We learned that if you chuck a lampshade on Peter Hellier,
48:50it's still just a Peter Hellier.
48:52LAUGHTER
48:53And we learned to always read the back
48:55of whatever you're about to rip up.
48:57Unless they're part of Tom Cashman's business card collection.
49:00LAUGHTER
49:01But most importantly,
49:02we learned that Conchetta is the winner of episode three!
49:06CHEERING
49:07See you next week!
49:08CHEERING
49:13CHEERING
49:24One, two, one, two, three, go!
49:27LAUGHTER
49:30This is a disaster, Tom.
49:32Are you prepared to get moist?
49:33What about me?
49:34Tom and Conchetta.
49:35Ooh!
49:37Ta-da!
49:38Ta-da!
49:41Pretty good.