Taskmaster (AU) S03E03
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00:00...
00:28C'est une bonne télévision ?
00:40Bonjour à tous et bienvenue à Taskmaster.
00:43Je m'appelle Tom Gleeson et même si l'audience ici le sait,
00:46ce n'est pas le nom qu'ils chantent depuis des heures à l'extérieur de la salle.
00:50Ce nom qui sonne dans la queue et dans les cœurs et les esprits de la nation
00:54a toujours été et sera toujours le Taskmaster.
01:00Je vous présente ce soir 5 gens de différents profils, de différentes hautes hauteurs
01:04et qui ont une idée de pourquoi ils sont ici.
01:06Ils veulent compéter pour un oeuvre d'art
01:08dégoutée d'artefacts volatiles.
01:12La statue de mon visage d'or.
01:17Ils sont...
01:18Aaron Chen
01:20Conchetta Carristo
01:23Mel Buttle
01:25Peter Hellyer
01:28et Rhys Nicholson
01:32Et comme toujours, ici pour s'assurer que personne ne me vole mes chaussures
01:36pendant que je dors dans les ad-breaks,
01:38c'est mon assistante Tom Cashman.
01:44Laissez Tom nous tirer, s'il vous plaît.
01:46Notre première tâche est une tâche de prix.
01:48Chacun de nos participants a acheté un prix
01:50et la personne qui gagne cette épisode d'aujourd'hui
01:52gagne tous les 5 prix.
01:54Ce soir, nos participants ont été demandés
01:56de présenter la chose la plus dégueulasse.
01:59OK, première tâche.
02:00Peter, qu'est-ce que tu as?
02:02Quand je pense à dégueulasse, je pense à ma nana.
02:04Je voulais la présenter en T-Cosy,
02:06mais je me suis dit que ce n'était pas suffisant.
02:08Je l'ai présenté en T-Cosy,
02:10mais je l'ai mis sur l'âne de ses couilles.
02:19Pour être clair,
02:20ma nana était en vie il y a trois jours.
02:24C'est ce que ça veut dire pour moi, Tom.
02:26OK.
02:27Pour être clair,
02:28tu penses que la T-Cosy sur l'âne de ses couilles
02:31est dégueulasse, pas la mort.
02:32La mort était dégueulasse, en fait.
02:34C'était un accident de couture.
02:38OK, Mel, qu'est-ce que tu as?
02:40Oh, on retourne aux vieux jours.
02:43J'ai amené un calculateur
02:47qui est sur un lanyard, et c'est rouge.
02:53OK.
02:54Toutes ces trois choses ajoutent à la dégueulasse?
02:56100 %, Big Daddy, oui.
03:01Cette couleur est super années 90.
03:04Le fait qu'un calculateur déjà portable
03:06ait été transformé en objet de mode, si tu veux.
03:10Super dégueulasse.
03:11OK. Conchetta, qu'est-ce que tu as amené?
03:13J'ai amené Stamp News.
03:15C'est un journal mensuel pour les collecteurs de stamps.
03:18OK.
03:19As-tu idée de ce qui se passait dans le monde des stamps
03:21en juin 1971?
03:23La guerre.
03:27Aaron, qu'est-ce que tu as amené?
03:28Je ne sais pas si c'est vraiment courant ou pas,
03:31mais j'ai été marié récemment pour chercher une vie plus paisible.
03:38Ma femme a un petit schnauzer qu'elle chère,
03:42qui aime le paysage.
03:45Mon père a acheté une peinture d'huile.
03:48J'ai commissionné une.
03:55C'est vraiment bien.
03:56C'est très adorable, mais est-ce courant, Aaron?
03:59Je ne sais pas. Est-ce?
04:01Je sens qu'en traversant,
04:02tu essaies vraiment d'augmenter la couverture du courant.
04:05Je pense que la partie du paysage n'est pas vraie.
04:09Je vis dans le pays maintenant.
04:11Quelle partie?
04:12L'Australie.
04:15All right, Rhys, what did you bring in?
04:18Quaint, I think, kind of adorably old-timey.
04:22And so I brought for you a straight white man
04:25who works in a family-run tool shop.
04:34You said he was a straight white man.
04:36Why is being straight quaint?
04:37Well, who's doing that any more?
04:40The majority.
04:43It seems very boring to me.
04:45I'm not hating straight culture.
04:46I think it's a fascinating group of people
04:49with your harsh fabrics and your violence.
04:53I don't mind it behind closed doors,
04:55but I don't want it shoved down my throat.
05:01I feel like Rhys is on one.
05:03I had to hire an actor for that.
05:06Thanks for confirming it's not even true.
05:10Also, I'm not sure a calculator at the end of a lanyard's that quaint.
05:14So, two points to Mel.
05:15I'm worried that we're going to be endorsing the idea
05:17that Peter Hellyer's grandmother's death was quaint,
05:20even though he pointed it out.
05:22Are you saying my nan died for three points?
05:28It's a dangerous message you're sending, mate.
05:30It really is.
05:31Well, I'm sticking to my guns.
05:32It's three points.
05:33Four points to Conchetta for the stamp magazine.
05:35But I think we have to agree
05:36the quaintest offering tonight was from Aaron Chen.
05:41Five points!
05:43OK, a task proper, Mr Tom.
05:45Very well, but you're going to want to sit down for this one.
05:48Maybe.
05:49Musique
06:04Hey, binge-use, how's it going?
06:06OK.
06:08Alan Kayes.
06:10Just open the freaking envelope.
06:13Make yourself into a stylish yet functional piece of furniture.
06:17Most stylish yet functional piece of furniture wins.
06:20Tom will use furniture, you,
06:24for its intended purpose in 30 minutes.
06:27Your time starts now.
06:30What is furniture?
06:32The movable articles that are used to make a room or building
06:35suitable for living or working in.
06:37That's me in a nutshell.
06:38Let's name some types of furniture.
06:40Desk, table.
06:41We've got chair.
06:42Before we continue, can we address something?
06:44This is a normal pencil.
06:46I'm so tiny.
06:47Bench, wardrobe.
06:49Mattress.
06:51My old nickname in high school.
06:53I'm not being a mattress, you sick bastard.
06:55I'm just reading the list.
06:56If I was a chair, you'd have to sit on me.
06:58We're not doing that.
06:59Do you have a collection of anything?
07:00Do you have stuff that you would like to store?
07:02I used to collect business cards when I was a child.
07:05Oh, mate, that's the grimmest thing I've ever heard in my life.
07:08Is a lamp furniture?
07:10Hi.
07:11Are you out of breath?
07:12No.
07:13Where am I allowed to be?
07:15Yeah, I am.
07:17I mean, to turn on the lamp, you have to turn on the lamp?
07:21Yes, you do.
07:22That's your job.
07:24Is this giving you the same type of thrill your business cards did?
07:27I don't think I've felt that thrill
07:30till I put all 640 in the bin.
07:32640!
07:35Milk.
07:36Fanta.
07:37Generic orange drink.
07:39Orange drink.
07:40Generic white drink.
07:42You can say milk.
07:43Oh, OK, sorry.
07:44All you need to do is make sure that you use me properly.
07:48Get ready to slurp.
07:49Slurp's up, mate.
07:55Do you want to know about my business card collection?
07:57Don't, don't, I've done this.
08:00We need more information.
08:01You actually had a business card collection?
08:03I had them in, like, a photo album
08:05with, like, my favourites in there
08:07and then I had a second bit for the second tier.
08:11And I got rid of them because when I was, like, 8
08:13I remember asking my dad,
08:14Dad, do you reckon I've got
08:15the biggest business card collection in the world?
08:17And my dad was like,
08:18Oh, sometimes at conferences
08:19people will just put their business cards
08:21into, like, a big thing for a competition
08:23and I reckon there's probably more in there than you've got.
08:27So I just went and put all of them in the bin.
08:30Even the A-tier ones?
08:34I kept the A-tier ones.
08:39You're like that guy in the movie Psycho.
08:43All right, who's stylish yet functional
08:45furniture selves should we see first?
08:47When it comes to furniture, like a waterbed,
08:49these two are getting to an age where they're cool again.
08:51It's Mel and Pete.
08:55It's good to be home, but it's a bit dark in here.
08:57God, I should turn the lamp on.
09:04I'm not sure how to turn on this lamp.
09:06Look on the desk.
09:09To use this very functional lamp,
09:11play a dainty tune on the red recorder
09:13and then say out loud,
09:15Give me light, Lampy.
09:17I predict that you've had a big day
09:19and so I've brought home two butter chickens
09:21instead of one.
09:23There we go, I've turned the lamp on.
09:30Give me light, Lampy.
09:34Light is coming.
09:37Look at you, God, you're gorgeous.
09:39You're fascinating, aren't you?
09:41You're a big tall drink of water.
09:43Walked right on in there on those two feet.
09:45Wow, the charm is really lighting up the room.
09:47But it also has a shade.
09:49Uh-oh, nice whistle, bitch.
09:51What are you, a PE teacher, a bus driver?
09:53Teacher aid?
09:55Is that what you need a whistle for?
09:57One more time. It wasn't dainty enough.
09:59Okay.
10:05Give me light, Lampy.
10:07I really want to turn this lamp off.
10:09I always wear transition lenses.
10:13It's not helped by the fact that it's in front of
10:15quite a functional lamp,
10:17shining quite brightly.
10:21It's moveable.
10:23People say functionality can't be fun.
10:25I put the fun in functionality.
10:29What was the style element?
10:32Huh?
10:34Thanks, Tom.
10:36Thanks, Mel.
10:38You're not taking this with you?
10:40No thanks.
10:46Pete, were you stylish?
10:48Yes, yes.
10:50I was stylish.
10:52I mean, he surprised me by being able to play
10:54a jaunty tune. That shocked me.
10:56Were you trying to wrong-foot him by asking him
10:58to play the recorder?
11:00Well, there was a note on the table,
11:02and he missed the note.
11:05I apologise.
11:07I was doing what I usually do with a normal lamp,
11:09is try to find where it is that you turn it on.
11:12Not one this stylish, mate.
11:14So you're saying it was more functional
11:16for a lamp to have a note written by the lamp
11:18on the table to turn it on?
11:20That doesn't sound functional to me.
11:22Yeah, I guess what I'm hoping for at this stage
11:24is the others have f***ed up their task.
11:26The more stylish a lamp, the harder it is.
11:28Like, when you're in a nice hotel,
11:30it's hard to turn on the lamp sometimes.
11:32I agree. Like, when I'm staying at a really nice hotel,
11:34often I say, look at that middle-aged man
11:36in the corner with a lampshade on his head.
11:38I hope there's a laborious way of turning him on.
11:40Oh, great, there's a note on the table,
11:42and then I read it at length,
11:44and I'm still in the dark, so I can barely read it.
11:46It's a bloody nightmare.
11:48You weren't stylish, and you weren't functional.
11:52So, Mel, compared to Pete, you were very stylish.
11:54Thank you.
11:56That's not saying much.
11:58Now, two curries turn you on.
12:00What does three do?
12:02That's a mop-and-bucket situation.
12:10Same thing happens when Lesser Tom
12:12sees a few business cards.
12:14It's time for some advertisements.
12:16More nonsense flat-packed into human comedian
12:18for next.
12:30Welcome back to Taskmaster,
12:32where five Australian comedians
12:34are finally doing something useful
12:36with their lives by turning themselves
12:38into furniture.
12:40That's right, they've replaced wood with flesh
12:42and screws with bones and lampshades with...
12:44lampshades.
12:46Here's three more I picked up off Gumtree
12:48for a steal and chucked in the back
12:50of my ute consensually.
12:52It's Aaron, Conchetta and Rhys.
12:54Wow, I'm so thirsty after a long day.
12:56I need something now from my stylish
12:58yet functional minibar.
13:10Why don't you get into bed?
13:12Hi, Tom.
13:14Oh, shit.
13:16Hi, Tom.
13:22The minibar talks.
13:24Yeah, it's got the internet.
13:26Look at my cool sunglasses.
13:28They're quite stylish.
13:30I'm very stylish.
13:38Have a drink.
13:40Maybe the white one.
13:42The white drink was spilled earlier.
13:44Don't cry over spilled milk.
13:46It tells jokes as well.
13:48Great.
13:50When the moon hits your eyes
13:52like a big pizza pie
13:54that's amore.
13:56Oh, my goodbye, Tom.
14:00In the functional and stylish bed.
14:06Well...
14:08Delicious.
14:10We can add anything you want to it.
14:12Can it love?
14:14I think I'm good to get out of bed right now
14:16if I'm honest.
14:18Then I'll play the alarm.
14:20Wake up, Tom.
14:22It's time to get up, Tom.
14:24Out of bed.
14:26This is love?
14:28Yeah.
14:30Right.
14:32Thanks.
14:34That's detachable.
14:36I did it.
14:40Thanks, Rhys.
14:42Thanks, Tom.
14:44Oh, my God.
14:46We should do...
14:48It doesn't have much to do
14:50with the task.
15:20It's...
15:22Rustic.
15:24Yeah.
15:26And...
15:28I could go on.
15:34Now, Conchetta,
15:36is there any part of your personality
15:38that's not Italian?
15:40Keeps being brought up.
15:42Yeah, I just went with my roots and my genes.
15:44Well, I think one of the flaws
15:46of your presentation
15:48is also one of your flaws as a person.
15:52In that?
15:54You were a bit too giggly.
15:56And as a table,
15:58that's a disadvantage.
16:00I know, it's a horrible flaw.
16:02OK, so we're looking for functional and stylish.
16:04That's it.
16:06Well, that's very easy. Aaron's on one
16:08because he was neither functional or stylish.
16:10I'm going to have to give Pete two.
16:12He wasn't stylish because he was dressed like he always is
16:14with a lampshade on his head.
16:16Well, out of the two lamps,
16:18I think Mel was more stylish, slightly.
16:20I'm going to have to say I quite liked Conchetta's table.
16:22Four points.
16:24But the most stylish, definitely,
16:26was the upside-down massage table,
16:28which was Rhys Nicholson with five.
16:34All right, my pink lanyard calculator,
16:36do some maths. Who's winning?
16:38Well, if it was a competition for losing,
16:40then Mel and Pete would be winning on five each,
16:42and Conchetta would be losing disgracefully
16:44with eight points.
16:50OK, just proceed as per the format of the show,
16:52Lesser Tom.
16:54The next one sees me and the contestants go toe-to-toe.
17:10Much easier if you move the caravan closer to the house,
17:12by the way. That's fine.
17:14I'll walk.
17:18Hi, Rhys.
17:20Hello.
17:22Football, the beautiful game.
17:24You want to play? Yeah, I love this game.
17:30Oh.
17:32I guess I won.
17:34Time for the task. Let's have a look.
17:36Create an original
17:38two-player sport
17:40and play against Tom.
17:42You and Tom must play your sport for five minutes
17:44maximum. Most original
17:46sport wins. However,
17:48if Tom beats
17:50you, you will lose two points.
17:52You have 20 minutes
17:54to plan your sport.
17:56Time starts now. OK.
17:58Boom, he's pressed it. Sport.
18:00What even is sport?
18:02You're not going to win the game.
18:04You don't even know what the game is.
18:06You're not going to win, mate.
18:10OK, five comedians
18:12trying to do sport.
18:14I wonder how this is going to go.
18:16Which athlete are we going to see first?
18:18They ask the question, what even is sport?
18:20Which surely bodes well. It's Rhys Nicholson.
18:22I think I want to call
18:24the sport Touchball.
18:26That's the ball. That's the ball.
18:28You've got to touch it with this.
18:30OK. Touchball.
18:32Welcome, everyone, to the
18:34first annual
18:36Touchball tournament.
18:40The rules are simple.
18:42The ball-wanter will be blindfolded
18:44for 90 seconds.
18:46The ball-toucher
18:48has to keep the ball safe and untouched
18:50by the ball-wanter for five minutes.
18:52So I reckon we begin.
18:54And go.
19:1023.
19:1222.
19:14Oh, my God, he's going to do it.
19:16No!
19:18No!
19:20No!
19:22No!
19:24No!
19:26No!
19:28No!
19:30No!
19:32No!
19:34No!
19:36No!
19:38No!
19:40No!
19:46Congratulations.
19:48You're the new ball-toucher.
19:50I'm the ball-toucher.
19:52It feels good.
19:54I feel terrible.
20:02So, listen, Tom, you won.
20:04You know what would be written on my business card now?
20:06Victorious.
20:08Or ball-toucher.
20:10Ball-toucher.
20:12Well, first up,
20:14I just got to say, Rhys, how did you get through
20:16all of that with no double entendre?
20:18That was a very disciplined effort from you.
20:20It was hard.
20:22There we go.
20:24Back on track.
20:26Which sporting pioneer
20:28are we going to see next?
20:30It's semi-professional spectator Peter Hellyer.
20:32Drop bears are famous in Australia.
20:34But what about the reverse?
20:36Throwing bears up.
20:38Reverse drop bear.
20:40All right, let's do it.
20:44Welcome to everyone watching around the world
20:46to Reverse Drop Bear.
20:48You must be looking forward to this one again.
20:50I was not familiar with this game until quite recently.
20:52You and your jokes.
20:54Of course, the rules are
20:56you need to use this paddle to hit a koala
20:58back up a tree.
21:00You get three attempts.
21:02OK.
21:04Oh, it came down.
21:06Bloody hell.
21:08I'm going to go higher, I think.
21:10Oh, bloody...
21:12Have you played before?
21:14Yeah, I have.
21:16Oh, no.
21:18The door's open, wide open.
21:20This is embarrassing for me.
21:22OK.
21:24That was a good technique, actually.
21:26It's a fun game, though, isn't it?
21:28Look at the smile on your face.
21:30Everybody's loving it.
21:32Everybody loves it.
21:34What a fun game.
21:36It's a fun game, I told you.
21:38Oh, it's a big one.
21:42You just won a reverse drop bear.
21:46Everybody loves it, too.
21:48Thanks, mate.
21:50Fun game.
21:54Hang on.
21:56Are you turning into a winner?
21:58As far as I can see, that's two from two.
22:00Or is it?
22:02Are you sure, Pete?
22:04You're the inventor of reverse drop bear
22:06and I feel like you said
22:08hit the bear into the tree
22:10and I don't think you hit it.
22:12I think it was more of a catapult action.
22:14Absolutely, and this has been a massive controversy.
22:16I think probably later on
22:18the points went back to me
22:20because that was illegal.
22:22Are you sure, though?
22:24I feel like I should defer to you
22:26because very clearly, you won.
22:30You did.
22:32You said congratulations.
22:34You shook his hand.
22:36We are out in the field.
22:38You are in a studio.
22:40It is tough out there.
22:42I am creating the sport.
22:44I am commentating
22:46and I'm obviously not officiating
22:48as well as I should have been.
22:50When you were commentating,
22:52you said, great technique.
22:54No!
22:56All right, sport me sport.
22:58This next contestant said he'd win
23:00before the game even existed.
23:02How will he fare when it does? It's Aaron Chen.
23:04This is a sport that asks the questions
23:06what if penalty shootouts
23:08were in three different sports?
23:10Table tennis,
23:12basketball
23:14and yoga.
23:16Best of three.
23:18During play, you can only stand in your cardboarded area.
23:20First serve, it's got to hit the shell.
23:22Two-fault rule.
23:24Skateboard toss to decide who serves.
23:26Wheels up.
23:30Wheels down, unfortunately.
23:34Yeah, so I serve again.
23:36I'm serving for the game.
23:38The coin toss was to determine who serves.
23:40For the whole game.
23:46So this is your sport, basketball.
23:48That's a fault.
23:52Oh!
23:58That's your point.
24:00So it comes down to the final round.
24:02And now I'm regretting serving on this one.
24:04It's quite difficult.
24:10See, that's...
24:12So it's a reset.
24:14Oh, that's a fault.
24:18Oh my gosh.
24:20Is that the end of the game?
24:22Yeah.
24:24Well played. How do you think you went?
24:26Not good.
24:28What's the name of this sport we've just played?
24:30Table tennis, basketball and yoga
24:32but much more original.
24:38So is that three from three?
24:40My God!
24:42So Aaron, can you please explain the rules
24:44to table tennis, basketball
24:46and yoga but much more original?
24:50The first rule is that it states
24:52that it's the most original sport
24:54ever created.
24:56And that's in the lore of the game.
25:00And the second rule is that
25:02if you win the game, you actually lose.
25:06Really?
25:08Alright, now it's time for another
25:10completely original sport
25:12involving you versus consumerism.
25:14Just try to resist.
25:20Welcome back to Classmaster
25:22where our comedians are competing
25:24for the eternal drapery
25:26of Pete's nana's ashes.
25:28Lesser Tom, what are we doing?
25:30Our contestants are trying to create
25:32the most original sport.
25:34They are deducted two points
25:36if I beat them at said sport.
25:38So far, I am three from three.
25:40Who's next?
25:42We've just found out she's Italian.
25:44It's Conchetta Caristo.
25:46Hello.
25:48Hello and welcome to
25:50Phone Slap.
25:52The newest sport craze
25:54that's driving the kids wild.
25:56All you need is two top hats,
25:58two old rotary phones
26:00and three balls of wool.
26:02How do you play the game, you ask?
26:04Well, you grab your phone
26:06and you must hit
26:08the yarns of wool
26:10into the top hat
26:12as much as you can.
26:14If you get it in,
26:16you get it in, you must say.
26:18Hats off to you.
26:20The opponent, if they can
26:22throw their yarn of wool
26:24into the bath
26:26points and no points.
26:28And then
26:30I get the point.
26:32And then that goes
26:34until someone gets one point.
26:36One time only kind of deal.
26:38Off we go.
26:46That's it.
26:48What?
26:50Hats off to you.
26:52I beat you.
26:54Nine minutes before you said that.
26:56Hats off to you.
26:58Congratulations to you.
27:04You didn't win, Lester Tom.
27:06I did not win.
27:08I forgot that I had to say hats off to you
27:10and frankly, I panicked.
27:12What a game.
27:14Talk us through the character choice.
27:16I'm not sure it added to the game.
27:18Well, I think England,
27:20they're a crazy bunch but they
27:22are known for their fancy sports.
27:24Croquet. Cricket.
27:26Horse. Horse stuff.
27:28They've got that
27:30great sport horse.
27:32Final quarter time.
27:34Who's our would-be buzzer beater Tom?
27:36She's been a great sport. If the aim of that sport
27:38is to be a bit mean to me,
27:40it's Belle Bottle.
27:42Welcome to the fantastic sport
27:44of
27:46rowing whilst flowing.
27:48This is a freestyle
27:50rap rowing contest.
27:52You must be flowing
27:54whilst you're rowing. If your flow stops,
27:56your row stops.
27:58Your job is to row whilst flowing
28:00around the lily pads and
28:02cross the finish line here, which is the end of the lily pads.
28:04You'll be given a one-word
28:06prompt to start your freestyle rap.
28:08You'll be going first because
28:10you're my guest.
28:12Tom, your randomly generated word
28:14is cemetery.
28:16I'm rocking in a cemetery.
28:18I'm not being
28:20sedentary. I'm
28:22rowing in a boat.
28:24This is bigger than a moat. It's a lagoon.
28:28Excuse me, you have stopped flowing but you're still rowing.
28:30I don't know the direction.
28:32I don't have an erection.
28:34Thank God.
28:36How is this so bad?
28:38I don't understand.
28:40I'm now going the wrong way once
28:42again.
28:44Stop it.
28:46And time is up.
28:48How do you think you went?
28:50That is probably the worst performance
28:52of anything I've ever done.
28:54I suspect you'll do better.
28:56Let's see if she can do it.
28:58The former state champion
29:00rower.
29:02Your randomly generated word
29:04is grimace.
29:06Ariane Titmuss, she's a swimmer
29:08from Australia. She's the best
29:10and I'm the rest. The ducks on
29:12the lake, I think they are fake.
29:14I'm stuck in the weeds. I'm getting no leads
29:16but I'm rowing while I'm flowing. Yes, I'm rowing
29:18while I'm flowing. That is the chorus.
29:20Please don't bore us. I'm rowing
29:22while I'm flowing. Just doing more rowings on the
29:24lily pads. Geez, I'm not bad.
29:26Someone went to a school where
29:28this was a sport. And I can
29:30freestyle a cappella off my dome.
29:32Holidays, where am I going? All the way
29:34to Rome and Greece but it looks like
29:36you better think twice because
29:38you're going to lose this sport that I've created.
29:40Is that a victory?
29:42Looks like it.
29:48So, Mel, I feel like we're going
29:50to be seeing you rapping a lot across the series.
29:52Yo, bro, because it's hard to
29:54say because I just don't know but Rhys
29:56is gay and I'm fine.
30:00Are you wearing life jackets for safety
30:02or is that to cover your mum's spaghetti?
30:06I love that you are aware of a culture that
30:08I sometimes relate to.
30:10Some would argue appropriate.
30:12No, hip hop is a mind state.
30:14It's not an area code. I've
30:16famously always said that.
30:18Alright, well I think we've got to do some
30:20scores, yeah? Well I feel like a good way
30:22of trying to work my way through this is
30:24if I understood the sport really well
30:26it's probably not that original.
30:28Whereas if I had no idea what was going on
30:30it's because it was so new and artistic
30:32it must be highly original.
30:34So from the top to bottom I think
30:36Conchetta gets five because I had no
30:38idea what was going on.
30:42Aaron gets four.
30:46Combining rowing and flowing that was very original
30:48so three points to Mel. I really enjoyed
30:50Reverse Drop Bear but it's just a bureaucracy
30:52that the people that run it, they're the ones that shit me.
30:54What started off as a really sad
30:56week for our family is getting worse.
31:00Well it's two points.
31:02Last of all I've got Rhys on one point
31:04because I knew exactly what was going on with your game.
31:06Those are not the final scores though
31:08because the two points need to be deducted from
31:10the sports where I was victorious.
31:12What? Conchetta will still take
31:14home five points and we have Mel with three points
31:16Aaron with two, Pete with zero
31:18and Rhys minus one.
31:24Alright, do we have time for another task?
31:26Of course, imagine if we didn't. We would have
31:28really messed things up. Fortunately
31:30we've kept it together.
31:48Hey Tom. Hi Pete.
31:50Hi Rhys.
31:52Hi Tom. Hey Conchetta.
31:54What's going on? Not much, we were just about
31:56to do a task. Plain room, no
31:58theme. Just a simple
32:00card. Yep, simple card for a simple task.
32:02Let me read this.
32:04Try not to do it one handed
32:06from now on.
32:08Rip the task card into as many pieces
32:10as possible. Most pieces
32:12win. You have two minutes.
32:14Your time starts now.
32:26Alright, this
32:28task sounds like one of those tasks that's too
32:30simple to be true. Should we get straight into it?
32:32I think we should. You little ripper
32:34and you little ripper. I've just pointed
32:36at Aaron and Rhys.
32:40You like that? You like this?
32:42Yeah, you like this.
32:44Are you going to maintain eye contact
32:46with me the whole time?
32:48This is the most eye contact
32:50I've ever made with someone I reckon.
32:52Don't lose any pieces, okay?
32:54And I've been with my partner for 12 years.
32:56Lay it up, rip through.
32:58That's it.
33:06You...
33:10Oh f***.
33:12I refuse to play the next
33:14task. I've got to piece it back together
33:16don't I?
33:24Is this one scored?
33:26Or is it more about sticking it back together?
33:28All the information you need is in the task.
33:30Complete the task
33:32written on the back of the previous
33:34task card.
33:38Fastest wins.
33:40Your time started when you entered the lab.
33:42You can't...
33:44You can't...
33:50Get rid of the pieces that have
33:52nothing. I can see insult Tom.
33:54I was arrogant
33:56coming in. You think? Yeah, I was
33:58doing that one hand opening the card thing.
34:00I don't know what to do.
34:02You made quite a lot of eye contact with me.
34:04Not a lot of eye contact with the card. Yeah, you've pissed
34:06me off lately. So is it
34:08insult you the most?
34:10Insult the taskmaster.
34:12The taskmaster's stupid.
34:14Insult Tom.
34:16Something-est wins. You didn't blow
34:18your whistle. I'm just going to insult you a lot
34:20and then leave. Oh.
34:22Insult you
34:24must. This is probably
34:26the best work opportunity
34:28you're going to get.
34:30Is that an insult? It will be in about
34:32ten years, yeah. Insult
34:34the... So it becomes an insult in ten
34:36years? Yeah, I reckon.
34:38When I started doing
34:40the little tiny rips, you had this micro
34:42expression that was like
34:44with your dumb little face.
34:46It's another one to add to the insult.
34:48Yeah.
34:50Thanks Rhys. Thanks Tom.
34:52Insult
34:54your stupid.
34:56Why didn't I just insult you
34:58after the taskmaster?
35:02I hate you.
35:04Thanks very
35:06much.
35:08Thanks Aaron.
35:10Bye.
35:16So what did you say about me, Aaron?
35:18Hey, I
35:20like you, man.
35:22Because you can say it now
35:24to my face.
35:26I...
35:28Alright, so Aaron took a while
35:30to do it. He was insulting me for a bit
35:32too long and ironically
35:34he said I was stupid.
35:36Aaron took 8 minutes
35:38and 20 seconds to insult me.
35:40So what about Rhys then?
35:42Rhys took 6 minutes and 55
35:44seconds to insult me.
35:48I think that was genuinely
35:50a rare day that I didn't start the task by
35:52insulting you, ironically. Look at his dumb little face
35:54now. He's like, it was the best
35:56day of my life.
35:58Alright, we're tearing this task right
36:00down the middle with the blunt scissors of the
36:02TV world ads. More
36:04insulting of this no-hoper next to me soon.
36:16Welcome back to
36:18Taskmaster Australia where 5 professional
36:20comedians are competing for the
36:22ownership of one of this country's
36:24most endangered species.
36:26A middle-aged white man. Fill us in
36:28Lester-Tom. Our contestants are tearing up a task
36:30card into as many pieces as possible.
36:32It's just a distraction. Their real task is to do
36:34something that they would never do in real life. Insult
36:36me. Before the next
36:38contestant, I just want to say sticks and stones may
36:40break my bones so please no one throw
36:42any sticks or stones at me.
36:44Here's Mel Buttle.
36:46Have other people ever got more than 9
36:48do you reckon? Are you aiming for more than 9?
36:50Yes.
36:54Don't forget there's
36:56these ones on the floor.
36:58Thank you. I knew it.
37:02Okay.
37:04Complete the task written on the back
37:06of the previous task card.
37:08Fastest wins.
37:10I might have to just guess what
37:12the task is Tom. Because I am
37:14unable to see what it is.
37:16I'm going to guess that it is
37:18Make you feel good about
37:20yourself. Although you are single
37:22and live alone, there's
37:24still hope. I like
37:26that you don't brush that front bit of hair.
37:28The ears do not need to be
37:30pinned back. Whoever said that
37:32wrong.
37:34Regardless of what your ex said
37:36I would refer her to
37:38the legal average penis size.
37:40I think being pescatarian
37:42is a super good choice.
37:44The post with your sister
37:46on your recent trip.
37:48Normal!
37:50The fact
37:52that you drive
37:54a Peugeot
37:56is endearing. When I'm
37:58thinking about your time on the project
38:00I think it was fine.
38:02Eye contact. You don't get a lot of it.
38:04I know why. I read an article.
38:06You know what?
38:08Why don't you use those big glassy eyes
38:10that look like there's a
38:12shark behind them and you read
38:14the article yourself with your eyes.
38:16Thank you Tom!
38:22Mel, did you even realise you'd completed
38:24the task? Nope!
38:26You had no idea what had happened.
38:28There were 21 tasks where
38:30Mel, within the first 5 seconds of entering
38:32insulted me.
38:34She called me bin juice 13 separate times
38:36and maggot
38:387 times. But this was
38:40an occasion where she did not insult me.
38:42For some reason you just
38:44held back. Sometimes I felt
38:46it's bullying.
38:48Like, look at him.
38:50What's he got to live for?
38:52I felt that when you said
38:54that you thought the task was about making him
38:56feel good about himself. Yes.
38:58It sounded to me like you were being sarcastic.
39:00What? Weren't they all insults?
39:02No. What, you just took them all
39:04on face value? Yeah, the words
39:06as stated were compliments.
39:08I felt like there was a tone there.
39:10Didn't get that.
39:12Mel took
39:1417 minutes and 28 seconds
39:16to insult me.
39:18You're dead meat mate.
39:20Alright, let's see
39:22someone else fall for your little trick
39:24Tom. He's old enough to remember
39:26Natalie Imbruglia before Torn
39:28so he's not all out of faith. It's Peter Hellyer.
39:32Do you want to help me?
39:34Tiny ones.
39:38It's fun, isn't it? A little bonding exercise.
39:40Yeah. You can get them even smaller.
39:42Okay, if you say so.
39:44There's many pieces, yeah?
39:46Many pieces. I can't go back and read it.
39:48Who knows now, yeah.
39:50It's impossible to read now.
39:54Hands off.
40:04I think I know what this is.
40:06And in advance,
40:08f*** you.
40:14You've completed your task.
40:16Thanks babe.
40:20There's something on the back. Did I read it?
40:22And you've done it. Thanks babe.
40:24I did it? Did I do it successfully?
40:26You did.
40:28I believe you.
40:32I'm not sure if I regret saying f*** you Tom.
40:34So I may take that back
40:36in the future.
40:38We'll leave it hanging there for now.
40:40But I may take it back.
40:42The task is complete. Thanks babe.
40:50If you were back in the studio, would you like to take it back?
40:52No Tom, I would not.
40:54So on the day, did you, like Mel,
40:56have no idea how you'd finished?
40:58I'm finding everything out now.
41:00I literally had no idea.
41:02Pete took 3 minutes and 5 seconds
41:04to insult Mel.
41:06So who's left Tom?
41:08She wouldn't insult a fly. I think she's obsessed
41:10with flies. It's Conchetta Caristo.
41:12Hi Tom.
41:14Hey Conchetta.
41:20F*** you suck ugly.
41:30And that was very impressive.
41:32Unlike everyone else, I don't like to insult Tom.
41:34I like Tom.
41:36Thank you.
41:38Do you want to say it back?
41:42I like you too.
41:44You did say to him
41:46f*** you suck ugly.
41:48Just to be clear
41:50to the kids at home, you're not supposed to say
41:52unless it's in a professional setting
41:54and you're saying it to a colleague.
41:56It's Conchetta's time to insult me.
41:5814 seconds.
42:02So that means we have
42:04Mel in 5th place,
42:06Aaron in 4th, Rhys in 3rd,
42:08Pete got 2nd place, but Conchetta wins the task
42:10with 5 points.
42:12Alright.
42:14It's time
42:16for a break. Come back to see
42:18how these comedians go in a live task
42:20without all that camera trickery
42:22to make them look competent. See you after this.
42:36Welcome back to the television show
42:38Taskmaster. A show that
42:40has a make a wish element to it
42:42in the form of allowing this
42:44little human hamster next to me
42:46to have a crack at something
42:48that outside the show, he never gets to do.
42:50Score.
42:54So have a go.
42:56Who's leading this episode, Lesser Tom?
42:58Well, Rhys is currently the little toe
43:00with 8 points and with an amazing 18 points
43:02Conchetta is the big toe!
43:06Alright.
43:08Everything's still to play for unless by everything
43:10you mean winning this episode. Sorry Rhys.
43:12Let's head upstairs for a live task.
43:18So what's going on here Tom?
43:20I'll let Rhys explain.
43:22Play in the first
43:24annual touch ball tournament.
43:32Oh my god.
43:34Each contestant will get to play both
43:36as ball toucher and as
43:38ball wanter.
43:40As per international
43:42touch ball rules, on Tom's
43:44first whistle, the ball toucher
43:46will have 15 seconds to place
43:48the ball within the touch ball
43:50arena. On Tom's second
43:52whistle, the ball wanter must
43:54try to touch the ball
43:56with their fake leg as fast as
43:58possible. Who thought of these rules?
44:00The ball toucher
44:02may not touch the ball
44:04or the ball wanter after
44:06placing the ball. The ball
44:08wanter will be blindfolded
44:10throughout. Best touch
44:12ball player wins.
44:14Tom will now announce the
44:16first randomly selected
44:18touch ball pairing.
44:20So Aaron will be the first ball
44:22toucher and Rhys, you will get
44:24your opportunity to be a ball wanter.
44:28Rhys, can you please put your blindfold on?
44:38Round two,
44:40Kinsheta will be the ball toucher
44:42and Pete will be the ball wanter.
44:46I'm in your freaking mind.
44:48You don't even know
44:50what to ride and what to left.
44:52You're a freak.
44:54You don't even know what to ride and what to left.
44:56You're a freak.
45:12Next up we have
45:14Mel as the ball toucher and Kinsheta
45:16as the ball wanter.
45:24Next up we have Pete as the ball toucher
45:26and Aaron as the ball wanter.
45:54The final round, we have Rhys
45:56as the ball toucher and Mel
45:58as the ball wanter.
46:24Alright, we're going to see who the winner is
46:26but we know the real winner is
46:28Capitalism, so let them have their win
46:30with another ad break.
46:54Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
46:56If you've just joined us,
46:58you've missed an adorable story
47:00about Aaron's dad
47:02painting his wife's shit dog.
47:04Lesser Tom,
47:06scores for that live task please.
47:08Well, the best wanter
47:10was Kinsheta with a new world record
47:1210.44 seconds touching.
47:16The best ball toucher
47:18was Pete as the ball toucher
47:20and Aaron as the ball wanter.
47:22The best ball toucher
47:24was Rhys with their very controversial
47:26effort to keep it away from Mel
47:28for 41 seconds.
47:30So, if you look at the
47:32aggregated ball touch to want score ratio
47:34we have Mel in last, then Aaron,
47:36then Pete in the middle, runner up Kinsheta
47:38and the winner of the first annual
47:40touch ball tournament, the founder and creator
47:42of the Touch Ball World Association,
47:44it's Rhys Neffel-Zoo!
47:46And remember,
47:48always touch balls responsibly.
47:50Alright, more importantly,
47:52who's winning this episode
47:54and going to be heading home
47:56to touch our straight white
47:58handyman's balls?
48:00So we have Mel on 10,
48:02Aaron on 12, Rhys on a lucky 13,
48:04then Pete on a lovely 14,
48:06but Kinsheta is the episode's winner
48:08with 22 points!
48:12Congratulations Kinsheta!
48:14Congratulations Kinsheta!
48:16Get up there and take that band!
48:20Right Kinsheta,
48:22you just stay up there and listen to that
48:24background extra posing as a hardware
48:26store owner's spiel about how
48:28climate change is a hoax.
48:30Whilst we get an update
48:32on our overall season scoreboard.
48:34The leader in the series
48:36by 10 total points is Kinsheta
48:38with 54 points.
48:40OK,
48:42that's it, another episode of
48:44Taskmaster in the Bag, but what did we
48:46learn? We learned that if you
48:48chuck a lampshade on Peter Hellyer
48:50it's still just a Peter Hellyer.
48:52And we learned to always
48:54read the back of whatever you're about
48:56to rip up. Unless they're
48:58part of Tom Cashman's business card
49:00collection. But most
49:02importantly, we learned that Kinsheta
49:04is the winner of episode 3!
49:06See you next week!
49:12...
49:14...
49:16....
49:18....
49:20...
49:24ONE! TWO!
49:26ONE, TWO, THREE, GO!
49:28oral разбirog Cheng
49:29Ha ha ha ha ha!
49:30This is a disaster...
49:32Are you prepared to get moist?
49:34What about me?
49:36Boom...
49:38Tadaaaa!
49:40Pretty good!