Taskmaster Australia S03E03
Taskmaster Australia S03E04 >>> https://dai.ly/x97e9qu
Taskmaster Australia S03E04 >>> https://dai.ly/x97e9qu
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00:00Nooooo!
00:03He slayed it!
00:15Is this good television?
00:29Hello everyone and welcome to Taskmaster, my name's Tom Gleeson and whilst the audience
00:45here know that, it is not the name they've been chanting for hours outside this studio.
00:50That name ringing across the queue as well as in the hearts and minds of the nation has
00:54been and will always be the Taskmaster.
00:58Joining me tonight are five comedic folk of varying profiles, height and grasps on why
01:05they're here, who are vying to compete for a piece of art melted down from stolen artefacts.
01:12The statue of my golden head.
01:16They are Aaron Chen, Concetta Caristo, Mel Buttle, Peter Hellyer and Rhys Nicholson.
01:33And as always, here to make sure no one steals my shoes while I nap in the ad breaks, it's
01:39my assistant Tom Cashman.
01:43Lesser Tom, kick us off will you?
01:46Well our first task is a prize task, each of our contestants have bought in a prize
01:51and the person who wins tonight's episode will take home all five prizes.
01:55Tonight our contestants have been asked to bring in the quaintest thing.
01:59Okay, first up, Peter, what have you got?
02:02Well when I think quaint I think of my Nan and I was going to bring her tea cosy in but
02:07I thought that's not enough for Taskmaster.
02:09So I brought her tea cosy in but I put it on the urn of her ashes.
02:19And to make it clear, my Nan was alive three days ago.
02:25That's how much this means to me Tom!
02:27Okay, so just to be clear, you think that the tea cosy on top of the ashes is quaint,
02:32not the death?
02:33The death was quite quaint actually, it was a knitting accident.
02:39Alright Mel, what have you got?
02:40Oh we're going back to the oldie oldie days.
02:43I have brought along a calculator that's on a lanyard and it's pink.
02:53Okay, do all three things add to the quaintness?
02:56100% Big Daddy, yes.
03:01That colour is super like early 90s.
03:04The fact that a calculator that's already portable has been made into perhaps a fashion
03:09item if you wish.
03:10Super quaint.
03:11Okay, Conchita what did you bring in?
03:13I brought in Stamp News.
03:15It's a monthly magazine for stamp collectors.
03:18Do you have any idea what was going on in the stamp world in June of 1971?
03:23War.
03:27Aaron, what did you bring in?
03:28Well I don't know if it's really quaint or not but I got actually married recently to
03:35pursue a quieter life and my wife has a miniature schnauzer that she treasures who loves the
03:43countryside and my dad has taken up oil painting.
03:48I commissioned one.
03:55It's really good.
03:57A very adorable but is it quaint Aaron?
03:59I don't know, is it?
04:01Well I feel like on the way through you were really trying to upsize the quaintness of it.
04:05I think the countryside bit was not true.
04:09I live in the country now.
04:11Which part?
04:12Australia.
04:17Alright, Rhys, what did you bring in?
04:20Quaint, I think, kind of adorably old timey and so I have brought for you a straight white
04:26man who works in a family run tool shop.
04:36You said he was a straight white man, why is being straight quaint?
04:39Well, who's doing that anymore?
04:42Um, the majority.
04:45It seems very boring to me.
04:46Boring to me?
04:47I'm not hating straight culture, I think it's a fascinating group of people with your harsh
04:51fabrics and your violence.
04:55I don't mind it behind closed doors but I don't want it shoved down my throat.
05:03I feel like Rhys is on one.
05:05I had to hire an actor for that.
05:08Oh, thanks for confirming it's not even true.
05:11Also, I'm not sure a calculator at the end of a lanyard's that quaint.
05:15So, two points to Mel.
05:16I'm worried that we're going to be endorsing the idea that Peter Hellier's grandmother's
05:20death was quaint.
05:21Even though he pointed it out.
05:23Are you saying my nan died for three points?
05:29It's a dangerous message you're sending, mate.
05:31It really is.
05:32Well, I'm sticking to my guns, it's three points.
05:34Four points to Conchita for the Stamp Magazine.
05:36But I think we have to agree the quaintest offering tonight was from Aaron Chen.
05:41Five points!
05:43Okay.
05:44A task proper, Mr Tom.
05:45Very well, but you're going to want to sit down for this one.
05:48Maybe.
06:04Hey, Benjuice, how's it going?
06:06Hello, Dave.
06:08Alan Keyes.
06:09Okay, just open the freaking envelope.
06:13Make yourself into a stylish yet functional piece of furniture.
06:17Most stylish yet functional piece of furniture wins.
06:20Tom will use furniture you for its intended purpose in 30 minutes.
06:27Your time starts now.
06:30What is furniture?
06:32The movable articles that are used to make a room or building suitable for living or working in.
06:36That's me in a nutshell.
06:38Let's name some types of furniture.
06:40Desk.
06:41Table.
06:42We've got chair.
06:43Before we continue, can we address something?
06:45This is a normal pencil.
06:46I'm so tiny.
06:48Bench.
06:49Wardrobe.
06:50Mattress.
06:51My old nickname in high school.
06:53I'm not being a mattress, you sick bastard.
06:55I'm just reading the list.
06:57If I was a chair, you'd have to sit on me.
06:58We're not doing that.
06:59Do you have a collection of anything?
07:00Do you have stuff that you would like to store?
07:02I used to collect business cards when I was a child.
07:05Oh mate, that's the grimmest thing I've ever heard in my life.
07:08Is a lamp furniture?
07:10Hi.
07:11Are you out of breath?
07:12No.
07:13Where am I allowed to be?
07:15Yeah, I am.
07:17I mean, to turn on the lamp, you have to turn on the lamp?
07:21Yes, you do.
07:22That's your job.
07:24Is this giving you the same type of thrill your business cards did?
07:27I don't think I've felt that thrill till I put all 640 in the bin.
07:32640.
07:35Milk.
07:36Fanta.
07:37Generic orange drink.
07:39Orange drink.
07:40Generic white drink.
07:42You can say milk.
07:43Oh, okay, sorry.
07:44All you need to do is make sure that you use me properly.
07:48Get ready to slurp.
07:49Get slurps up, mate.
07:55Do you want to know about my business card collection?
07:57Don't, don't, I've done this.
07:59We need more information.
08:01You actually had a business card collection?
08:03I had them in, like, a photo album with, like, my favourites in there
08:06and then I had a second bit for the second tier.
08:11And I got rid of them because when I was, like, 8,
08:13I remember asking my dad,
08:14Dad, do you reckon I've got the biggest business card collection
08:16in the world?
08:17And my dad was like, oh, sometimes at conferences people will just
08:20put their business cards into, like, a big thing for a competition
08:23and I reckon there's probably more in there than you've got.
08:26So I just went and put all of them in the bin.
08:31Even the A tier ones.
08:35I kept the A tier ones.
08:39You're like that guy in the movie Psycho.
08:43All right, who's stylish yet functional furniture selves
08:46should we see first?
08:47When it comes to furniture, like a waterbed,
08:49these two are getting to an age where they're cool again.
08:52It's Mel and Pete.
08:54Oh, it's good to be home, but it's a bit dark in here.
08:58Oh, my God, I should turn the lamp on.
09:05I'm not sure how to turn on this lamp.
09:07Look on the desk.
09:09To use this very functional lamp,
09:12play a dainty tune on the red recorder
09:15and then say out loud, give me light, Lampy.
09:18That predicts that you've had a big day
09:20and so I've brought home two butter chickens instead of one.
09:24There we go, I've turned the lamp on.
09:26WHISTLING
09:31Give me light, Lampy.
09:35Light is coming.
09:38Look at you, God, you're gorgeous, you're fascinating, aren't you?
09:40You're a big tall drink of water.
09:42Walked right on in there on those two feet.
09:44Wow, the charm is really lighting up the room,
09:47but it also has a shade.
09:49Uh-oh, nice whistle, bitch.
09:51What are you, a PE teacher, bus driver?
09:53Hm? Teacher aid? Is that what you need a whistle for?
09:56One more time. It wasn't dainty enough.
09:58OK.
10:04Give me light, Lampy.
10:06Wow, really quick this time.
10:08I really want to turn this lamp off.
10:10Um, I always wear transition lenses.
10:14It's not helped by the fact that it's in front of quite a functional lamp.
10:18Shining quite brightly.
10:21It's movable.
10:23People say functionality can't be fun.
10:26I put the fun in functionality.
10:29Yay!
10:31What was the style element?
10:33Huh?
10:35Thanks, Tom. Thanks, Mel.
10:37You're not taking this with you?
10:39No, thanks.
10:46Pete, were you stylish?
10:48Yes, yes, I was stylish.
10:51I mean, he surprised me by being able to play a jaunty tune.
10:54Actually, that shocked me.
10:56Were you trying to wrong-foot him by asking him to play the recorder?
10:59Well, there was a note on the table, and he missed the note.
11:02He was, like, fumbling around my pants and stuff.
11:05I apologise.
11:07I was doing what I usually do with a normal lamp,
11:09is try to find where it is that you turn it on.
11:12Not one this stylish, mate.
11:14So you're saying it was more functional for a lamp
11:17to have a note written by the lamp on the table to turn it on?
11:20That doesn't sound functional to me.
11:22Yeah, I guess what I'm hoping for at this stage
11:24is the others have f***ed up their task.
11:26The more stylish a lamp, the harder it is to...
11:28Like, when you're in a nice hotel,
11:30it's hard to turn on the lamp sometimes.
11:32I agree. Like, when I'm staying at a really nice hotel,
11:34often I say, look at that middle-aged man in the corner
11:36with a lampshade on his head.
11:38I hope there's a laborious way of turning him on.
11:41Oh, great, there's a note on the table,
11:43and then I read it at length,
11:45and I read it in the dark so I can barely read it.
11:48It's a bloody nightmare.
11:49You weren't stylish and you weren't functional.
11:52So, Mel, compared to Pete, you were very stylish.
11:56That's not saying much.
11:57Thanks.
11:58Now, two curries turn you on.
12:00What does three do?
12:02That's a mop and bucket situation.
12:04LAUGHTER
12:10The same thing happens
12:11when Lesser Tom sees a few business cards.
12:14It's time for some advertisements.
12:16More nonsense flat-packed into human comedian form next.
12:31Welcome back to Taskmaster,
12:33where five Australian comedians
12:34are finally doing something useful with their lives
12:37by turning themselves into furniture.
12:39That's right, they've replaced wood with flesh
12:41and screws with bones and lampshades with...
12:44lampshades.
12:46Here's three more I picked up off Gumtree for a steal
12:49and chucked in the back of my ute consensually.
12:52It's Aaron, Conchetta and Rhys.
12:54Wow, I'm so thirsty after a long day.
12:56I need something now from my stylish yet functional minibar.
13:04HE GROANS
13:10Why don't you get into bed?
13:13Hi, Tom.
13:15Oh, shit.
13:17Hi, Tom.
13:22Oh, my God.
13:23The minibar talks.
13:25Yeah, it's got the internet.
13:27Look at my cool sunglasses.
13:29They're quite stylish.
13:30I'm very stylish.
13:32Tom?
13:38Have a drink.
13:39Have a drink?
13:40Maybe the white one.
13:41Oh, the white drink was spilled earlier.
13:43Don't cry over spilled milk.
13:45OK.
13:46It tells jokes as well.
13:48Oh.
13:49Great.
13:50When the moon hits your eyes
13:53Like a big pizza pie
13:55That's amore
13:57Oh, goodbye, Tom
14:01In the functional and stylish bed
14:06Mmm.
14:07Well...
14:09Delicious.
14:10We can add anything you want to it.
14:13Can it love?
14:14I think I'm good to get out of bed right now, if I'm honest.
14:18Oh, then I'll play the alarm.
14:20Wake up, Tom.
14:21Wake up.
14:22It's time to get up, Tom.
14:24Out of bed.
14:26Is this... This is love?
14:27Yeah.
14:29OK.
14:30Right.
14:31Thanks.
14:32Yep.
14:33Oh.
14:34That's detachable.
14:35OK.
14:36I did it.
14:38Ha-ha.
14:40Thanks, Rhys.
14:41Thanks, Tom.
14:42OK, thank you.
14:43Oh, my God.
14:44We should do...
14:45I mean, we shouldn't, but, like...
14:48That's, you know...
14:49It doesn't have much to do with the task.
14:51No.
14:53So, we had a plastic tablecloth, a rotting ladder,
14:57and a white sheet with a hole in it.
15:00The lamps are looking pretty good.
15:02We're back, we're back.
15:03We're back, baby.
15:04You look like the underside of a massage table, Rhys.
15:07That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
15:10I must say, you did look stylish.
15:13In fact, I feel like you're the only one who put in any effort at all,
15:16and by effort, I mean you put on some cool sunnies.
15:18Going from one end of the style spectrum to the other,
15:21um, Aaron.
15:23Tell me what was stylish about your presentation.
15:26It's, um, rustic.
15:28Yeah.
15:29And...
15:32I could go on.
15:37Now, Conchetta,
15:38is there any part of your personality that's not Italian?
15:43Keeps being brought up.
15:44Yeah, I just went with my roots and my genes.
15:47Well, I think one of the flaws of your presentation
15:49is also one of your flaws as a person.
15:53In that?
15:54You were a bit too giggly.
15:57And as a table, that's a disadvantage.
16:00I know, it's a horrible flaw.
16:02OK, so we're looking for functional and stylish.
16:05That's it.
16:06Well, that's very easy.
16:07Aaron's on one, cos he was neither functional or stylish.
16:10I'm going to have to give Pete two.
16:12He wasn't stylish cos he was dressed like he always is,
16:15with a lampshade on his head.
16:17Well, out of the two lamps, I think Mel was more stylish, slightly.
16:20Um, I'm going to have to say I quite liked Conchetta's table.
16:23Four points.
16:24But the most stylish definitely was the upside-down massage table,
16:27which was Rhys Nicholson with five.
16:33All right, my pink lanyard calculator,
16:36do some maths.
16:37Who's winning?
16:38Well, if it was a competition for losing,
16:40then Mel and Pete would be winning on five each,
16:42and Conchetta would be losing disgracefully with eight points.
16:46Oh!
16:49OK, just proceed as per the format of the show, Lesser Tom.
16:53The next one sees me and the contestants go toe-to-toe.
17:09Much easier if you move the caravan closer to the house, by the way.
17:12That's fine. I'll walk.
17:16LAUGHTER
17:19Hi, Rhys. Hello.
17:21Woo!
17:22Football, the beautiful game.
17:24You want to play? Yeah, I love this game.
17:26HE GROANS
17:30Oh.
17:33I guess I won.
17:34Time for the task. Let's have a look.
17:36Create an original two-player sport and play against Tom.
17:41You and Tom must play your sport for five minutes maximum.
17:45Most original sport wins.
17:47However, if Tom beats you, you will lose two points.
17:52You have 20 minutes to plan your sport.
17:56Time starts now. OK.
17:57Boom, he's pressed it.
17:59Sport.
18:00What even is sport?
18:02You're not going to win the game.
18:04You don't even know what the game is.
18:06You're not going to win, mate.
18:11OK, five comedians trying to do sport.
18:14I wonder how this is going to go.
18:16Which athlete are we going to see first?
18:18They ask the question, what even is sport?
18:20Which surely bodes well. It's Rhys Nicholson.
18:23I think I want to call the sport Touchball.
18:26That's the ball. That's the ball.
18:28You've got to touch it with this.
18:30OK. Touchball.
18:32Welcome, everyone, to the first annual Touchball tournament.
18:40Rules are simple.
18:41The ball-wanter will be blindfolded for 90 seconds.
18:46The ball-toucher has to keep the ball safe
18:49and untouched by the ball-wanter for five minutes.
18:52So I reckon we begin.
18:54And go.
19:03LAUGHTER
19:21John!
19:2723. 22.
19:30Oh, my God, are you going to do it? No!
19:34No!
19:36No!
19:41No!
19:45Congratulations.
19:48You're the new ball-toucher.
19:50I'm the ball-toucher. Well done.
19:52It feels good.
19:54I feel terrible.
19:56APPLAUSE
20:01So, Lesser Tom, you won.
20:03You know what would be written on my business card now?
20:06Victorious.
20:08Or ball-toucher. Ball-toucher.
20:11Yeah.
20:12Well, first up, I've just got to say, Rhys,
20:14how did you get through all of that with no double entendre?
20:17That was a very disciplined effort from you.
20:19It was hard.
20:21Um...
20:22There we go. Back on track.
20:24Uh, something-something gate.
20:26Which sporting pioneer are we going to see next?
20:29It's semi-professional spectator Peter Hellyer.
20:32Drop bears are famous in Australia,
20:34but what about the reverse?
20:36Throwing bears up. Reverse drop bear.
20:38Reverse drop bear. All right, let's do it.
20:43Welcome to everyone watching around the world
20:45to Reverse Drop Bear.
20:47Here with Tom Cashman.
20:48You must be looking forward to this one again.
20:50I was not familiar with this game until quite recently.
20:52You and your jokes.
20:53Of course, the rules are you need to use this paddle
20:56to hit a koala back up a tree.
20:58You get three attempts.
21:00Of course, you know this. I'll go first.
21:02OK.
21:05Oh, it came down.
21:06Bloody hell.
21:07I'm going to go higher, I think.
21:09OK.
21:10Oh, bloody...
21:11Have you played before?
21:13Yeah, yeah, I have.
21:15Oh, no, no. Here we go.
21:17OK.
21:18The door's wide open. This is embarrassing for me.
21:20Oh, I'm not... OK.
21:25That was a good technique, actually.
21:27It's a fun game, though, isn't it?
21:28Look at the smile on your face.
21:29You're loving it.
21:33He loves it.
21:34What a fun game.
21:36It's a fun game, I told you.
21:39Oh, it's a big one.
21:43You just won Reverse Drop Bear.
21:47Look, he loves it, too.
21:49Thanks, babe.
21:50Fun game.
21:54Hang on.
21:55Are you turning into a winner?
21:57Because as far as I can see, that's two from two.
22:00Or is it?
22:01Are you sure, Pete?
22:02Like, you're the inventor of Reverse Drop Bear,
22:04and I feel like you said,
22:06hit the bear into the tree.
22:08Yeah.
22:09And I don't think you hit it.
22:10I think it was more of a catapult action.
22:12Absolutely.
22:13And this has been a massive controversy.
22:16I mean, I think probably later on the points went back to me
22:19because that was illegal.
22:21Are you sure, though?
22:22Because I feel like I should defer to you,
22:24but I do remember you in the clip saying very clearly,
22:27you won.
22:30But Tom...
22:31You did.
22:32You said congratulations.
22:33Tom, please.
22:34You shook his hand.
22:35Please.
22:36We are out in the field.
22:37You are in a studio.
22:38It is tough out there.
22:39I am creating the sport.
22:41I am commentating.
22:43And I'm obviously not officiating as well as I should have been.
22:46When you were commentating, you said,
22:48great technique.
22:51Yeah, you did.
22:52Oh, I didn't think you were going to show that bit, did I?
22:56All right.
22:57Sport me sport.
22:58This next contestant said he'd win before the game even existed.
23:01How will he fare when it does?
23:02It's Aaron Chen.
23:03This is a sport that asks the questions,
23:06what if penalty shoot-outs were in three different sports?
23:10Mm.
23:11Table tennis, basketball and yoga.
23:15Best of three.
23:16During play, you can only stand in your cardboarded area.
23:19First serve, it's going to hit the shelf.
23:21It's a two-fault rule.
23:22OK.
23:23Skateboard toss to decide who serves.
23:26Ah, wheels up.
23:29Wheels down, unfortunately.
23:31OK.
23:34Yeah, so I serve again.
23:35Oh.
23:36I'm serving for the game.
23:37The coin toss was to determine who serves.
23:40For the whole game.
23:41The game, yeah.
23:44So, that's 1-0.
23:45So, this is your sport, basketball.
23:48Oh, that's a fault.
23:52Oh.
23:59That's your point.
24:00So, it comes down to the final round.
24:02And now I'm regretting serving on this one.
24:04Mm.
24:05It's quite difficult.
24:10See, that's...
24:11Sike!
24:13So, it's a reset.
24:15Oh, that's a fault.
24:16Fault, fault.
24:18Oh, my gosh.
24:19That's a double fault.
24:21Is that the end of the game?
24:22Yeah.
24:23Well played.
24:24How do you think you went?
24:25Not good.
24:27What's the name of this sport we've just played?
24:29Table tennis, basketball and yoga,
24:31but much more original.
24:37So, is that three from three?
24:39My God.
24:40So, Aaron, can you please explain the rules
24:43to table tennis, basketball and yoga,
24:46but much more original?
24:49So, the first rule is that it states
24:52that it's the most original sport ever created,
24:56and that's in the lore of the game.
25:00And the second rule is that
25:02if you win the game, you actually lose.
25:07Really?
25:08Yeah.
25:09All right, now it's time for another completely original sport
25:12involving you versus consumerism.
25:15Just try to resist.
25:18Come on.
25:27Welcome back to Classmaster,
25:29where our comedians are competing
25:31for the eternal drapery of Pete's Nana's ashes.
25:35Listen, Tom, what are we doing?
25:37Our contestants are trying to create the most original sport.
25:40They are deducted two points if I beat them at said sport.
25:44So far, I am three from three.
25:46Who's next?
25:47If your name is Italian, it's Conciergeristo.
25:50Hello, and welcome to Phone Slap,
25:53the newest sport craze that's driving the kids wild.
25:58All you need is two top hats,
26:00two old rotary phones
26:03and three balls of wool.
26:05How do you play the game, you ask?
26:07Well, you grab your phone
26:09and you must hit the yarns of wool
26:12into the top hat as much as you can.
26:15If you get it in, you must say...
26:18Hats off to you.
26:19..the opponent, if they can throw their yarn of wool
26:23into the...bath.
26:26Points, no points.
26:28And then I get the point.
26:31And then that goes just until someone gets one point.
26:35Oh, one time only kind of deal.
26:38Off we go. Rats!
26:41Oh!
26:46That's it!
26:48What?!
26:50Hats off to you.
26:51I beat you! I beat you!
26:53Mine went in before you said that.
26:55Hats off to you.
26:57Congratulations to you.
27:04You didn't win, Lester Tom.
27:06I did not win.
27:07I forgot that I had to say hats off to you
27:10and, frankly, I panicked.
27:12What a game!
27:13Yeah.
27:14Talk us through the character choice.
27:16I'm not sure it added to the game.
27:18Well, I think England, they're a crazy bunch,
27:21but they are known for their fancy sports.
27:24Croquet, cricket, horse.
27:27Horse stuff.
27:29They've got that great sport, horse.
27:32Final quarter time, who's our would-be buzzer-beater, Tom?
27:35She's been a great sport.
27:37If the aim of that sport is to be a bit mean to me,
27:40it's Belle Bottle.
27:42Welcome to the fantastic sport of...
27:45rowing whilst flowing!
27:48Yay!
27:49This is a freestyle rap rowing contest.
27:53You must be flowing whilst you're rowing.
27:55If your flow stops, your row stops.
27:57Your job is to row whilst flowing around the lily pads
28:01and cross the finish line here, which is the end of the lily pads.
28:04You'll be given a one-word prompt to start your freestyle rap.
28:08You'll be going first because you're my guest.
28:11Tom, your randomly generated word is...
28:16I'm rocking in a cemetery.
28:18I'm not being sedentary.
28:21I'm rowing in a boat.
28:23This is bigger than a moat, it's a lagoon.
28:26Oh!
28:27Excuse me, you have stopped flowing, but you're still rowing.
28:30I don't know the direction.
28:32I don't have an erection, I'm...
28:34Thank God.
28:35But neither my...
28:36How is this so bad?
28:38I don't understand.
28:40I'm now going the wrong way once again.
28:43Stop it!
28:44WHISTLE BLOWS
28:46And time is up.
28:48How do you think you went?
28:50That is probably the worst performance of anything I've ever done.
28:53I suspect you'll do better.
28:55Let's see if she can do it. OK.
28:57The former state champion rower.
29:01OK.
29:02Your randomly generated word is...
29:04Grimace. Grimace.
29:06Ariane Titmus, she's a swimmer from Australia.
29:08She's the best.
29:10And I'm the rest.
29:11The ducks on the lake, I think they are fake.
29:13I'm stuck in the weeds, I'm getting no leads.
29:15But I'm rowing while I'm flowing.
29:17Yes, I'm rowing while I'm flowing.
29:19That is the chorus.
29:20Please don't bore us.
29:21I'm rowing while I'm flowing.
29:22Just doing more rowings on the lily pads.
29:24Jeez, I'm not bad.
29:26Someone went to a school where this was a sport.
29:29And I can freestyle a cappella off my dome.
29:31Holidays, where am I going?
29:33All the way to Roman Greece.
29:35But it looks like nice.
29:36You better think twice,
29:37because you're going to lose this sport that I've created.
29:40Is that a victory?
29:42Looks like it.
29:48So, Mel, I feel like we're going to be seeing you
29:50rapping a lot across the series.
29:52Yo, bro, because it's hard to say,
29:54because I just don't know, but Rhys is gay.
29:56And I'm...
30:00Were you wearing life jackets for safety,
30:02or was that to cover your mum's spaghetti?
30:04Oh!
30:05I love that you are aware of a culture that I sometimes relate to.
30:10Some would argue appropriate.
30:12No, hip-hop is a mind state, it's not an area code.
30:15I've famously always said that.
30:18Alright, well, I think we've got to do some scores, yeah?
30:20Well, I feel like a good way of trying to work my way through this
30:23is if I understood the sport really well,
30:26it's probably not that original.
30:28Whereas if I had no idea what was going on,
30:30it's because it was so new and artistic,
30:32it must be highly original.
30:34So, from the top to bottom, I think Conchita gets five,
30:37because I had no idea what was going on.
30:42Aaron gets four.
30:45Combining rowing and flowing, that was very original,
30:47so three points to Mel. Thanks.
30:49I really enjoyed Reverse Drop Bear, but it's just a bureaucracy.
30:52The people that run it, they're the ones that shit me.
30:55What started off as a really sad week for our family
30:57is getting worse.
30:59Well, it's two points.
31:01Last of all, I've got Rhys on one point,
31:03because I knew exactly what was going on with your game.
31:05Those are not the final scores, though,
31:07because the two points needs to be deducted from the sports
31:10where I was victorious.
31:11What?!
31:12Conchita will still take home five points,
31:14and we have Mel with three points, Aaron with two,
31:16Pete with zero, and Rhys minus one.
31:23Alright, do we have time for another task?
31:25Of course. Imagine if we didn't.
31:27We would have really messed things up.
31:29Fortunately, we've kept it together.
31:47Hey, Tom.
31:48Hi, Pete.
31:51Hi, Rhys.
31:52Hi, Tom.
31:53Hey, Conchita.
31:54What's going on?
31:55Not much, we were just about to do a task.
31:57Plain room, no theme.
31:59Just a simple card.
32:01Yep, simple card for a simple task.
32:03Let me read this.
32:05Try not to do it one-handed from now on.
32:07OK.
32:08Rip the task card into as many pieces as possible.
32:11Most pieces win.
32:13You have two minutes.
32:14Your time starts now.
32:26Alright, this task sounds like one of those tasks
32:29that's too simple to be true.
32:30Should we get straight into it?
32:31I think we should.
32:32You little ripper and you little ripper.
32:35I've just pointed at Aaron and Rhys.
32:39You like that?
32:41You like this?
32:42Yeah, you like this.
32:44Are you going to maintain eye contact with me the whole time?
32:48LAUGHTER
32:53This is the most eye contact I've ever made with someone, I reckon.
32:56Don't lose any pieces, OK?
32:58And I've been with my partner for 12 years.
33:00Lay it up, rip through.
33:02That's it.
33:07LAUGHTER
33:12Oh, f***.
33:14I refuse to play the next task.
33:17I've got to piece it back together, don't I?
33:25Is this one scored?
33:27Or is it more about sticking it back together?
33:29All the information you need is in the task.
33:31Complete the task written on the back of the previous task card.
33:37LAUGHTER
33:40Fastest wins.
33:42Your time started when you entered the lab.
33:44You can't... You...
33:46Mmm!
33:48LAUGHTER
33:50Get rid of the pieces that have nothing.
33:53I can see insult, Tom.
33:55I was arrogant coming in.
33:57You think?
33:58Yeah, I was doing that one-hand opening the card thing.
34:00I don't know what to do.
34:02You made quite a lot of eye contact with me,
34:04not a lot of eye contact with the card.
34:07So, is it insult you the most?
34:10Insult the taskmaster.
34:12Ah, the taskmaster's stupid.
34:14Insult Tom.
34:16Something-est wins.
34:18You didn't blow your whistle.
34:19I'm just going to insult you a lot and then leave.
34:21Oh.
34:23Insult you must.
34:25This is probably the best work opportunity you're going to get.
34:29Is that an insult?
34:31It will be in about 10 years, yeah.
34:33Insult the...
34:36Yeah, I reckon.
34:39When I started doing the little tiny rips,
34:41you had this, like, micro-expression that was, like,
34:44with your dumb little face.
34:46It's another one to add to the insults.
34:48Yeah.
34:49Thanks, Rhys. Thanks, Tom.
34:51Insult...
34:53your stupid.
34:55Why didn't I just insult you after the taskmaster?!
34:59LAUGHTER
35:02I hate you.
35:05Thanks very much.
35:09Thanks, Aaron.
35:11Bye.
35:16So, what did you say about me, Aaron?
35:19Hey, um, I like you, man.
35:22Because you can say it now to my face.
35:25I... What... Um...
35:28All right, so, Aaron took a while to do it.
35:30He was insulting me for a bit too long.
35:33And ironically, he said I was stupid.
35:36OK.
35:37Aaron took eight minutes and 20 seconds to insult me.
35:40Oh, OK. So, what about Rhys, then?
35:42Rhys took six minutes and 55 seconds to insult me.
35:46Go, Rhys.
35:48Like, I think that was genuinely a rare day
35:50that I didn't start the task by insulting you, ironically.
35:53Look at his dumb little face now.
35:55He's like, it was the best day of my life!
35:58All right, we're tearing this task right down the middle
36:01with the blunt scissors of the TV world ads.
36:04More insulting of this no-hoper next to me soon.
36:17Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia,
36:19where five professional comedians
36:21are competing for the ownership
36:23of one of this country's most endangered species,
36:26a middle-aged white man.
36:28Fill us in, Lester-Tom.
36:29These contestants are tearing up a task card
36:31into as many pieces as possible, but it's just a distraction.
36:33Their real task is to do something
36:35that they would never do in real life, insult me.
36:38Before the next contestant, I just want to say
36:40sticks and stones may break my bones,
36:42so please, no-one throw any sticks or stones at me.
36:44Here's Mel Buddle.
36:46Have other people ever got more than nine, do you reckon?
36:49Are you aiming for more than nine?
36:51Yes.
36:55Don't forget there's these ones on the floor.
36:58Yep, I knew it, I knew it.
37:02OK.
37:04Complete the task written on the back of the previous task card.
37:08Fastest wins.
37:10I might have to just guess what the task is, Tom,
37:13cos I am unable to see what it is.
37:16I'm going to guess that it is...
37:18Make you feel good about yourself.
37:21Although you are single and live alone,
37:23there's still hope.
37:25I like that you don't brush that front bit of hair.
37:28The ears do not need to be pinned back.
37:31Whoever said that, wrong.
37:34Regardless of what your ex said,
37:36I would refer her to the legal average penis size.
37:40I think being pescetarian is a super good choice.
37:44The post with your sister on your recent trip.
37:47Yeah. Normal!
37:49The fact that you drive a Peugeot
37:55is endearing.
37:57When I'm thinking about your time on the project,
38:00I think it was fine.
38:01Right.
38:02Eye contact, you don't get a lot of it.
38:04I know why. I read an article.
38:06OK.
38:07You know what?
38:08Why don't you use those big glassy eyes
38:11that look like there's a shark behind them
38:13and you read the article yourself with your eyes?
38:17Thank you, Tom!
38:22Mel, did you even realise you'd completed the task?
38:24Nope!
38:25You had no idea what had happened?
38:27No, none at all.
38:28There were 21 tasks where Mel,
38:30within the first five seconds of entering, insulted me.
38:33She called me bin juice 13 separate times
38:37and maggot seven times.
38:39But this was an occasion where she did not insult me.
38:42For some reason, you just held back.
38:45Sometimes I felt it's bullying.
38:48Like, look at him.
38:49What's he got to live for?
38:53I felt that when you said that you thought the task
38:55was about making him feel good about himself...
38:57Yes.
38:58..it sounded to me like you were being sarcastic.
39:00What?!
39:01Weren't they all insults?
39:02No.
39:03What, you just took them all on face value?
39:05Yeah, the words, as stated, were compliments.
39:08I felt like there was a tone there.
39:10Didn't get that.
39:13Mel took 17 minutes and 28 seconds to insult me.
39:19You're dead meat, mate.
39:21Alright, let's see someone else fall for your little trick, Tom.
39:25He's old enough to remember Natalie Imbruglia before Torn,
39:28so he's not all out of faith.
39:29It's Peter Hellyer.
39:32Do you want to help me?
39:33Do you want to test them out?
39:35Tiny ones.
39:38It's fun, isn't it, for a little bonding exercise?
39:40Yeah.
39:41You can get them even smaller.
39:42OK, if you say so.
39:45That's many pieces, yeah?
39:46That's many pieces.
39:47I can't go back and read it now.
39:48Who knows now, yeah?
39:49I haven't got time to put it all back together.
39:51Impossible to read now.
39:52Yeah.
39:55Hands off.
40:04I think I know what this is.
40:07And in advance...
40:09F*** you.
40:14You've completed your task.
40:15Oh.
40:16Thanks, Pete.
40:20There's something on the back, wasn't there?
40:21Did I read it?
40:22And you've done it.
40:23Thanks, Pete.
40:24I did it?
40:25Yep.
40:26Did I do it successfully?
40:27You did.
40:28I believe you.
40:31I'm not sure if I regret saying f*** you, Tom,
40:33so I may take that back in the future.
40:37We'll leave it hanging there for now.
40:39OK.
40:40But I may take it back.
40:42The task is complete.
40:43Thanks, Pete.
40:49So now that we're back in the studio,
40:51would you like to take it back?
40:52No, Tom, I would not.
40:54So on the day, did you, like Mel,
40:56have no idea how you'd finished?
40:58I'm finding everything out now.
41:00I literally had no idea.
41:02Pete took three minutes and five seconds to insult me.
41:06So who's left, Tom?
41:08She wouldn't insult a fly.
41:09I think she's obsessed with flies.
41:11It's Conchita Carristo.
41:13Hi, Tom.
41:14Hey, Conchita.
41:21F*** you suck.
41:23Ugly.
41:26Thanks, Conchita.
41:31And that was very impressive.
41:33Unlike everyone else, I don't like to insult Tom.
41:35I like Tom.
41:39Do you want to say it back?
41:42I like you too.
41:46You did say to him,
41:47f*** you suck, ugly.
41:50Which, just to be clear to the kids at home,
41:51you're not supposed to say
41:52unless it's in a professional setting
41:54and you're saying it to a colleague.
41:56Conchita's time to insult me.
41:5814 seconds.
42:03So that means we have Mel in fifth place,
42:06Aaron in fourth,
42:07Rhys in third,
42:08Pete got second place,
42:09but Conchita wins the task with five points.
42:13Alright.
42:15It's time for a break.
42:17Come back to see how these comedians go in a live task
42:20without all that camera trickery
42:22to make them look competent.
42:23See you after this.
42:34Welcome back to the television show Taskmaster,
42:37a show that has a make-a-wish element to it
42:40in the form of allowing this little human hamster next to me
42:44to have a crack at something that outside the show
42:47he never gets to do.
42:49Score.
42:52So have a go.
42:53Who's leading this episode, Lesser Tom?
42:55Well, Rhys is currently the little toe with eight points
42:58and with an amazing 18 points, Conchita is the big toe.
43:02Alright.
43:03Everything's still to play for
43:05unless by everything you mean winning this episode.
43:07Sorry, Rhys.
43:08Let's head upstairs for a live task.
43:15So what's going on here, Tom?
43:17I'll let Rhys explain.
43:19Play in the first annual touch ball tournament.
43:24Oh, my God.
43:26Each contestant will get to play
43:28both as ball toucher and as ball wanter.
43:32As per international touch ball rules,
43:36on Tom's first whistle, the ball toucher will have 15 seconds
43:40to place the ball within the touch ball arena.
43:43On Tom's second whistle, the ball wanter will have 15 seconds
43:48to place the ball in the touch ball arena.
43:51On Tom's second whistle,
43:53the ball wanter must try to touch the ball
43:56with their fake leg as fast as possible.
43:59Who thought of these rules?
44:01The ball toucher may not touch the ball
44:04or the ball wanter after placing the ball.
44:07The ball wanter will be blindfolded throughout.
44:11Best touch ball player wins.
44:14Tom will now announce
44:16the first randomly selected touch ball pairing.
44:20Aaron will be the first ball toucher
44:22and Rhys, you will get your opportunity to be a ball wanter.
44:28Rhys, can you please put your blindfold on?
44:31WHISTLE BLOWS
44:44Round two, Kinsheta will be the ball toucher
44:47and Pete will be the ball wanter.
44:50WHISTLE BLOWS
44:52I'm in your freaking mind.
44:55You don't even know what to ride and what to left.
44:58You're a freak.
45:06Did I get him?
45:10Did you pop the ball?
45:12WHISTLE BLOWS
45:14Next up we have Mel as the ball toucher
45:16and Kinsheta as the ball wanter.
45:19LAUGHTER
45:22WHISTLE BLOWS
45:24I had this really good two client podcast the other day
45:26about a girl who was blindfolded in an arena
45:28and she had to try and touch a ball
45:30and if she touched the ball, guess what would happen?
45:32GROANS
45:34Next up we have Pete as the ball toucher
45:36and Aaron as the ball wanter.
45:38WHISTLE BLOWS
45:41LAUGHTER
45:43WHISTLE BLOWS
45:49LAUGHTER
46:02Oh, my God!
46:08WHISTLE BLOWS
46:10The final round, we have Rhys as the ball toucher
46:13and Mel as the ball wanter.
46:15WHISTLE BLOWS
46:17WHISTLE BLOWS
46:22WHISTLE BLOWS
46:24LAUGHTER
46:38Yay!
46:40APPLAUSE
46:44All right, we're going to see who the winner is
46:46but we know the real winner is capitalism,
46:48so let them have their win with another ad break.
46:58CHEERING
47:02Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
47:04If you've just joined us, you've missed an adorable story
47:07about Aaron's dad painting his wife's shit dog.
47:11Lesser Tom, scores for that live task, please.
47:14Well, the best wanter was Conchetta
47:16with a new world record, 10.44 seconds touching.
47:20CHEERING
47:22Best ball toucher was Rhys
47:24with their very controversial effort
47:26to keep it away from Mel for 41 seconds.
47:29So, if you look at the aggregated ball touch to want score ratio,
47:33we have Mel in last, then Aaron,
47:35then Pete in the middle, runner-up Conchetta
47:37and the winner of the first annual touch ball tournament,
47:40the founder and creator of the Touch Ball World Association,
47:43it's Rhys Neffles-Lewis!
47:45CHEERING
47:49And remember, always touch balls responsibly.
47:53All right, more importantly, who's winning this episode
47:56and going to be heading home
47:58to touch our straight white handyman's balls?
48:02So, we have Mel on 10, Aaron on 12, Rhys on a lucky 13,
48:06then Pete on a lovely 14,
48:08but Conchetta is the episode's winner with 22 points!
48:11CHEERING
48:13Congratulations, Conchetta!
48:15Get up there and take that man!
48:18CHEERING
48:20Right, Conchetta, you just stay up there
48:22and listen to that background extra posing
48:25as a hardware store owner's spiel
48:27about how climate change is a hoax.
48:30Whilst we get an update on our overall season scoreboard.
48:34The leader in the series by ten total points
48:37is Conchetta with 54 points.
48:39CHEERING
48:41OK, that's it, another episode of Taskmaster In The Bag.
48:45But what did we learn?
48:47We learned that if you chuck a lampshade on Peter Hellier,
48:50it's still just a Peter Hellier.
48:53And we learned to always read the back
48:55of whatever you're about to rip up,
48:57unless they're part of Tom Cashman's business card collection.
49:01But most importantly,
49:03we learnt that Conchetta is the winner of episode three!
49:06See you next week!
49:08CHEERING
49:10APPLAUSE
49:13CHEERING
49:24One, two, one, two, three, go!
49:27LAUGHTER
49:30This is a disaster.
49:32Are you prepared to get moist?
49:34What about me?
49:36Tom and Conchetta.
49:38Ta-da!
49:40Pretty good.