The Keith Harris Show S01E05 - 11 June 1983
Category
🦄
Art et designTranscription
00:00Ah, good evening. Here is a special announcement. Keith Harris, the entertainer, was kidnapped
00:12today on his way to the studio. Unfortunately, the ransom money has been paid. So now, we
00:20have to suffer 35 minutes at the Keith Harris show. Get off!
00:26What do you mean, get off?
00:50Ladies and gentlemen, Keith Harris!
01:10Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen.
01:19Ladies and gentlemen, and welcome, everybody at home. I've got to tell you, we've got a great crowd here tonight.
01:23We really have a tremendous crowd. They come from all over the place. Some of them come down on the train.
01:28That's an experience, isn't it, these days, on the train. I mean, don't trust the timetables.
01:33Although, I've got to tell you, last week, very unusual, I was on the platform and the train actually came in right on time.
01:40In fact, it was five minutes early. Yes, everyone was so surprised. All the passengers, we had a collection for the driver.
01:48We did. We gave it to him. He said, oh, thank you very much, mate. Thank you. He said, I've got to tell you, though, this is yesterday's train.
01:58Speaking of trains, actually, my granddad, my granddad, he worked on the railway all his life.
02:03And what he wanted to do when he retired, he said, I don't want a clock or any of those things.
02:08What I would really like, he said, because I've been dedicated to British Rail for years, he said, I would like a nice carriage.
02:15He said, what for? He said, for a little carriage, I can live in that with my good old lady, with my lovely old wife, we can live in that.
02:21So they said, all right. So they actually gave him his own carriage on his own piece of track, little private ground, and he painted it all nice colours and little plant pots here and there.
02:30I went down to see him last week. I couldn't believe it because he came out the door and he got outside and he was pushing the carriage like that, down the track.
02:38Then he rushed round the other end and he pushed it back again like that. I said, Grandad, what's the matter? Everything all right?
02:43He said, yes. He said, it's the wife, she's in the toilet.
02:56She was washing her hands, of course.
02:58Well, ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, I would like to meet my mate, who always manages to find transport, here he is, Horvitz!
03:14Hello!
03:21Hello! Look at you and your little engine.
03:24Hello! Everybody, mind the doors, please.
03:28Mind the doors?
03:29Yes.
03:30You haven't got any doors?
03:31What?
03:32You haven't even got any carriages?
03:34I must have uncoupled myself.
03:36Uncoupled yourself?
03:38Yes.
03:39It's a lovely little engine.
03:40It's my crack-a-noo-ka-choo-choo.
03:42Your crack-a-noo-ka-choo-choo?
03:44Yes, crack-a-noo-ka-choo-choo.
03:46It is very nice. Do you know what? I haven't seen a steam engine for years.
03:51I know.
03:52Mind you, the price of coal is very expensive, isn't it?
03:55It's cheaper to burn money.
03:57I think it is cheaper to burn money.
03:59Yes.
04:00Yes, but it is lovely. Listen, where do you keep your coal?
04:04What?
04:05Where do you keep the coal that you stoke your boiler with?
04:07I don't know.
04:10You're supposed to have a little tender behind.
04:12I've got a little tender behind.
04:16It's a very hard seat, you know.
04:19A very hard seat?
04:20Yes.
04:21Do you run that by yourself, you know, your own railway?
04:24No, my pet Dippy helps me.
04:27Dippy helps you?
04:28Yes.
04:29And is he here?
04:30He's here right on time.
04:31Right on time?
04:32He's late.
04:33Come on, Dippy.
04:35Come on, Dippy.
04:39Come on, Dippy.
04:48Come on, Dippy.
04:49Dippy!
04:50Come on, Dippy!
04:52Dippy!
04:54Come on, Dippy.
04:55Dippy!
04:56Come on, Dippy.
04:58Come on, Dippy.
05:00Good boy! Good boy!
05:02Well, he's stupid.
05:04I look after him sometimes.
05:06You look after him?
05:08Oui, oui, oui.
05:10Si vous ne le pensez pas.
05:12Oui, oui, oui.
05:14Bien joué.
05:15Écoute, écoute, un instant.
05:16Quoi?
05:17Qu'est-ce qu'il va faire aujourd'hui?
05:19Parce qu'il fait toujours quelque chose, il a toujours un truc, n'est-ce pas?
05:21C'est de l'entraînement.
05:22Oh, oui.
05:23C'est un très, très vieux truc.
05:25C'est un très vieux truc?
05:26Oui.
05:27Et c'est pourquoi il porte ce casque?
05:29Oui, c'est un gériatrique.
05:31Un gériatrique?
05:35Oui.
05:37Bien joué.
05:40Qu'est-ce qu'il va en fait faire?
05:42Il est le seul truconaurus.
05:44Oui.
05:45Pour sauter.
05:46Oui.
05:47Sur le trapèze.
05:48Sur le trapèze?
05:49Oui.
05:50Il va sauter sur le trapèze?
05:52Oui.
05:53Est-ce vrai?
05:54Oui.
05:55Oh, Donald, stupide, Donald.
05:59Peut-on le faire maintenant?
06:00Nous ne pouvons pas le faire à ce moment-là, peut-être plus tard,
06:02parce que je vais vous présenter notre premier artiste.
06:06Qui est-ce?
06:07Monsieur Bobby Crust.
06:35C'est lui.
06:36C'est lui.
07:05C'est lui.
07:06C'est lui.
07:36C'est lui.
07:37C'est lui.
07:38C'est lui.
07:39C'est lui.
07:40C'est lui.
07:41C'est lui.
07:42C'est lui.
07:43C'est lui.
07:44C'est lui.
07:45C'est lui.
07:46C'est lui.
07:47C'est lui.
07:48C'est lui.
07:49C'est lui.
07:50C'est lui.
07:51C'est lui.
07:52C'est lui.
07:53C'est lui.
07:54C'est lui.
07:55C'est lui.
07:56C'est lui.
07:57C'est lui.
07:58C'est lui.
07:59C'est lui.
08:00C'est lui.
08:01C'est lui.
08:02C'est lui.
08:03C'est lui.
08:05C'était fantastique.
08:10T'as aimé ?
08:11T'as aimé ?
08:12T'as aimé ?
08:13Il n'est pas aussi intelligent que comme il l'était avant ?
08:17Qu'est-ce que je veux dire par « talent » ?
08:19Quand il a commencé
08:21Oui ?
08:22Il nous a fait jouer avec un doigt.
08:24Il nous a fait jouer avec un doigt ?
08:25Non, il nous a donc besoin d'ux deux mains.
08:30Faisons grâce et disons bonjour.
08:32Hiya Bob. Hi Keith. Hello Bobby. Hello Orville. I like you on the piano. Oh, thank you very much. I wish I could play the piano, you know.
08:40Well, you could do, you know, Orville, if you practiced. You could start off with something like this.
08:49Now, that's what's known as a five-finger exercise. Oh. The only trouble is, I haven't got any fingers, have I?
08:56You haven't got any fingers? No, I've only got wagglers. Wagglers?
09:03Hey, Orville, you haven't thanked Bobby for writing your hit song, have you? No, I haven't. Thank you.
09:09You're welcome. You mean Orville's song? Oh yes, and we're so pleased because look what we've been presented with.
09:14A silver disc! Thank you, Bobby. I'll tell you what. It's on my new Al-Botti, isn't it? On your new Al-Botti?
09:28Al-Botti? What's an Al-Botti? Well, actually, Bobby, it means album. He won't say it. Not on the telly.
09:38No, no, come on. It's too cheeky. Shall we sing Orville's song?
09:54I wish I could fly way up to the sky, but I can't. You can. I can't.
10:01I wish I could see what folks see in me, but I can't. You can. I can't.
10:08Look, Orville, nothing that you can say will change how I feel today. You know that we're never apart. We won't.
10:22Hear what I'm saying, Orville. Yes? Who is your very best friend? You are.
10:29I'm gonna help you mend your broken heart. Thank you.
10:39Does this mean although I'm green, I'm not exactly bright? You won't occur and will be there to talk me in at night.
10:52But Orville, I'll always be there.
10:55The other girls laugh, say that I'm nasty and I am. You're not. I am.
11:02They tease me a lot, call me a klutz and I am. You're not. I am.
11:09Look, Orville, nothing that you can say will change how I feel today. You know that we're never apart. We won't.
11:23Hear what I'm saying, Orville. Yes? Who is your very best friend? You are.
11:30I'm gonna help you mend your broken heart.
11:39My broken heart.
11:53Wow! Well, goodness gracious me, sir, this is Sidney Drumdum at your takeaway service.
12:11Are you the manager?
12:13This establishment is belonging and being run by myself and my six brothers.
12:19Oh, what a lot of cobras!
12:22Here you go, Peter, the Indian greeting.
12:25Here? I'll have this one. Bombay duck.
12:29One Bombay duck.
12:32Oh, goodness gracious me!
12:36I don't want that! Oh, I hate that duck!
12:40What's next on the menu, Sidney?
12:43Well, here are some crazy mixed-up birds served up by Philip Janti.
12:50Oh, goodness gracious me!
13:20Oh, my God!
13:50Oh, my God!
14:20Oh, my God!
14:50Oh, my God!
15:20Oh, my God!
15:23Oh, my God!
15:26Oh, my God!
15:29Oh, my God!
15:32Oh, my God!
15:35Oh, my God!
15:38Oh, my God!
15:41Oh, my God!
15:44Oh, my God!
16:02Oh!
16:14...
16:40...
16:44Explosion.
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22:04Yes, hello, and welcome once again to University Challenge.
22:10OK, let's meet the two teams tonight. Starting with Queen's College Oxford, hello, Queen's.
22:13Merci!
22:18And Queen's College Dublin.
22:19Hello there, hello!
22:23Hello, it's Paddy Murphy here, reading gas meters.
22:29OK, that's the answers. Let's go, here's the questions.
22:31Here's the questions. 25, 22, 3, 2, 1.
22:33Confirming.
22:34Can we tell me, what do you know about Damascus?
22:36It kills 99% of all known germs.
22:38Good night.
22:47Fuck you!
22:50Fuck you!
22:51Fuck you!
22:52Once again, fuck you!
22:54I fuck you!
22:55Get on with it, Bobby.
22:56Leave it to me, Tom.
22:58Give me...
23:00I'm gonna get you, lady.
23:04Give me tonight, Gilbert O'Sullivan.
23:07Now, this is Gilbert. Now, I wonder if you remember him.
23:09A few years ago, when he used to come out dressed in the cloth cap and the short trousers.
23:18It goes something like this.
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25:30It goes something like this.
25:31It goes something like this.
25:32It goes something like this.
25:33It goes something like this.
25:34It goes something like this.
25:35It goes something like this.
25:36It goes something like this.
25:37It goes something like this.
25:38It goes something like this.
25:39It goes something like this.
25:40It goes something like this.
25:41It goes something like this.
25:42It goes something like this.
25:43It goes something like this.
25:44It goes something like this.
25:45It goes something like this.
25:46It goes something like this.
25:47It goes something like this.
25:48It goes something like this.
25:49It goes something like this.
25:50It goes something like this.
25:51It goes something like this.
25:52It goes something like this.
25:53It goes something like this.
25:54It goes something like this.
25:55It goes something like this.
25:56It goes something like this.
25:57It goes something like this.
25:58It goes something like this.
25:59It goes something like this.
26:00It goes something like this.
26:01It goes something like this.
26:02It goes something like this.
26:03It goes something like this.
26:04It goes something like this.
26:05It goes something like this.
26:06It goes something like this.
26:07It goes something like this.
26:08It goes something like this.
26:09Applaudissements
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30:01Lorsque le monde tourne et le soleil s'éteint
30:06Les hommes vont toujours chanter
30:10Tant qu'il n'y a pas de temps
30:15Le premier bonjour
30:18Le dernier au revoir
30:21Le moment où un Noël devient un oiseau
30:25Il vérifie chaque seconde
30:28Lorsque l'heure passe
30:31Lorsque le dimanche suit le dimanche
30:34C'est la raison pour laquelle
30:41Il vérifie ses chiffres
30:44Il fait ses comptes
30:47En s'assurant que demain viendra
30:52Jour après jour
30:54Nuit après nuit
30:57En s'assurant qu'ils deviennent corrects
31:01Il a été là depuis le début du temps
31:07En s'assurant que le monde continue de tourner
31:12Les hommes vont toujours chanter
31:16Tant qu'il n'y a pas de temps
31:22En s'assurant qu'il n'y a pas de temps
31:27Pas de temps
31:29Pas de temps
31:32Pas de temps
31:34Pas de temps
31:46Merci.
31:48Merci.
31:50Merci beaucoup, mesdames et messieurs.
31:54Maintenant...
31:55Maintenant...
31:59Dippy, peux-je faire mon trapeze ?
32:02Non, ton trapeze.
32:04J'ai peur que non, parce que le temps s'est arrêté.
32:09Je suis désolé, Dippy.
32:13Le temps s'est arrêté, malheureusement, mesdames et messieurs.
32:16Le temps s'est arrêté.
32:17Est-ce que vous avez aimé ce dernier numéro ?
32:19Le temps d'un vieil père.
32:20Est-ce que vous l'avez aimé ?
32:21Oui ?
32:22C'est sur l'album le plus récent d'Orville.
32:25Parce que, vous voyez, il veut devenir un pop-star maintenant.
32:27Vous savez, il veut...
32:28Il veut tout l'adulation.
32:30En fait, j'ai lu l'autre jour,
32:32parce que je ne suis pas sûr qu'Orville soit un pop-star.
32:35Je l'ai lu l'autre jour,
32:36sur un chanteur pop,
32:38qui, quand il sort de son concert,
32:39il ouvre la porte du stade,
32:40et tout le monde s'est éloigné de lui.
32:42Ils ont cassé ses vêtements,
32:43ils ont retiré son cheveu,
32:44ils l'ont cassé,
32:45ils l'ont tiré de son dos.
32:47Il doit être génial d'être voulu.
32:51Merci d'avoir regardé.
32:52À la semaine prochaine.
32:53Bonne nuit.
33:14Sous-titrage MFP.
33:44Sous-titrage MFP.
34:14Sous-titrage MFP.