Peaceful Parenting vs Punishment!

Stefan Molyneux
Stefan Molyneux
  • 3 days ago
In this episode, I explore the contrasting philosophies of authoritative and peaceful parenting, shaped by my childhood experiences within a large family. I reflect on the importance of setting clear boundaries and enforcing consequences, especially in a society that often rewards negative behaviors. Through personal anecdotes, I discuss the balance between authority and emotional connection, emphasizing the necessity of teaching children about the consequences of their actions. I advocate for nurturing open dialogue and respectful communication, highlighting the role of negotiation and understanding in parenting. Ultimately, I encourage parents to introspect on their own standards, aiming to raise emotionally intelligent and respectful children.

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Transcript
00:00Good morning, everybody. Hope you're doing well. Stephen Mullen here from Freedom, Maine.
00:03Let's take on authoritative parenting and compare it to peaceful parenting, which is
00:09the philosophical approach to being a good mommy or daddy. All right, so this is from Business
00:16Insider, I think it is. Growing up, my parents didn't discipline me. Now I'm doing authoritative
00:21parenting and it's working. All right. People always think the Brady Bunch had a wild family
00:28until they hear about me and my 16 siblings. My parents always wanted to give us the best
00:32childhoods by creating a safe environment for everyone to be themselves. That's why they had
00:36me and my three biological siblings, then adopted 13 other children. Okay, that's a little obsessive.
00:42Our parents adored us, but they also lacked the ability to discipline us when my siblings and
00:46I inevitably butted heads. They were always so exhausted from our busy lives that they struggled
00:50to keep everyone in line. I grew up seeing how constant chaos with no discipline didn't create
00:56the best environment. Some of my siblings lost faith in authority figures. I knew my future
01:01parenting style would incorporate more authoritative style. That's a bit of an awkward
01:07sentence. I knew my future parenting style would incorporate more authoritative style,
01:12which has proven to be the best thing for my five-year-old son and eight-year-old daughter.
01:16An authoritative parenting style was the right choice for my family. Oh my God. Jesus Lord.
01:22Above. Can you, you know, vague badness followed by it's the right choice. For what? Based on what?
01:30Based on outcomes when your kids haven't even hit puberty yet? Based on what you like? Based
01:36on your preferences? Based on what? How about based on morals? Oh no. Apparently that's just
01:42a bridge too far for people as a whole. All right. Evaluating my family's dynamics as a kid made me
01:49vow that my kids would always know there were consequences for poor choices.
01:58There were consequences for poor choices.
02:06Sorry, are you not aware that we live in a society where there are almost no consequences
02:10for poor choices? In fact, people get massively rewarded for poor choices all the time. Women who
02:18have children out of wedlock with unstable fathers get the equivalent of $80,000 a year
02:25in free stuff and benefits. Politicians who fail to deliver on their promises get reelected
02:33all the time by making new promises. People can, they go to school with terrible teachers who never
02:40get fired and who misrepresent and bully the, misrepresent facts and bully the children all
02:45the time. They never get fired. What are you talking about? We've got an entire generation,
02:50well two I guess, boomers in Gen X that wanted more out of the government than they were willing
02:55to pay in taxes and therefore have bequeathed over a million dollars per capita in debt to the young.
03:03What, what negative consequences are they facing? We have a media and politicians who regularly lie
03:11to countries and sometimes the world into war. What negative consequences do they face? They
03:17just went through a pandemic where people made the most appalling statements, turned on their
03:23fellow citizens like a bunch of cannibalistic half-starved jackals. What negative consequences
03:28are they facing? I mean, what world are you living in? Well, you know, there are consequences for
03:34poor choices. Okay.
03:42What, what are they facing in society? What do people in society face as consequences for poor
03:49choices? I don't, I don't understand. People can vote for warmongers who start wars and neither
03:57the warmongers nor the voters ever face any negative consequences. I mean, in terms of like
04:04moralizing or legal, legal stuff, I'm a, I'm a little confused. So if you're going to raise your
04:10kids in a world where people get massively rewarded for bad decisions, you have to say,
04:18we're raising you with the opposite of how a state of society functions as a whole.
04:25We're going to teach you how to think. And generally in society, those who think face
04:30the most negative consequences of all. And those who mindlessly repeat propaganda face the most
04:35positive consequences of all. I mean, they, they know this in school, you know, you raise your hand
04:41and you criticize the teacher and what happens, right? I get these messages all the time.
04:50I'm in university. The teacher is telling lies. Should I correct the teacher? Should I correct
04:54the professor? Should I correct the TA? Right? We all know what happens if you oppose what the
05:00teachers and professors say, if you think for yourself. So it is a poor choice to think for
05:09yourself from a practical, consequential standpoint, but it is a poor choice to think for yourself.
05:17From a practical, consequential standpoint. So if you say kids, you know, it's really important
05:23that you're, you're going to face negative consequences for poor choices. You also have
05:27to say that this is the opposite of how society as a whole functions at the moment. And you want
05:36one of the poor choices that you're going to make is thinking that, that there are negative
05:41consequences for poor choices, because that's just not how society works. So you can't, you
05:47can't be more moral in your family than you are relative to society as a whole. So if you say,
05:54well, we're going to do this radical thing where there are negative consequences for poor choices.
05:58Now, this is not how society works as a whole. And this is, if you make good choices, you will
06:05end up with negative consequences. So, you know, if you're responsible and you work hard and you
06:10get an education and you're entrepreneurial, or you're just a very, very hard worker,
06:15then you're going to get the living crap taxed out of you. But if you are lazy and indifferent
06:20to your future, you get free stuff. This is this great tweet that people wrote,
06:30someone wrote a long time ago, you know, what's the biggest lesson you learned
06:34regarding adulthood? And the biggest lesson was that efficient workers are punished with more work.
06:40Right? It's the old thing. I learned this in business. If you want something done,
06:44give it to the busy person. Because the person who's not that busy is not that busy for a reason.
06:52Yeah. Consequences for poor choices. I mean, you make a lot of people make poor choices and then
07:00just sue people. Anyway, so, you know, kids, there are consequences for poor choices.
07:08And that's fine. I mean, negative consequences for poor choices. I get that. I'm not opposed
07:12to that. I'm just saying that you have to put your kids out into a society where the opposite
07:20of your parenting is generally the case. Right? Because you say to your kids, listen, man, don't
07:28whine to get what you want. Oh, it's a democracy. Well, you're never going to see that again.
07:33Right? All right. So when my husband and I decided to have children, I knew it was a woman.
07:39When we start with personal anecdotes and what works in my family, and it's never no principles.
07:44We discussed how we'd raise them. I wanted to parent them from a place of logic while
07:48prioritizing discipline in response to bad behaviors. That kind of authoritative parenting
07:52means having age-appropriate conversations about how actions have consequences,
07:57in addition to enforcing those consequences, such as temporarily revoking some of my kids'
08:01childhood privileges. So that's interesting. Right? So consequences can mean two things.
08:07Right? Consequences can mean if you are careless on your bike, you will fall and scrape your knees.
08:14Right? That's reality enforcing consequences. And the other is if you do something I disapprove of,
08:20I will punish you in some manner. And that is not the same as generalized consequences.
08:26So I don't... Actions have consequences. Yes, for sure. Right? The action of, in general,
08:35giving free stuff to the population is getting political power. Right? So those are consequences.
08:41And passing the debt to the unborn. Right? All right. So my role in parenting our kids is more
08:47logical. I understand that... Let me just say my husband and I... Yeah, my role in parenting our
08:54Yeah, my role in parenting our kids is more logical. I understand that both having
08:57conversations with kids and enforcing consequences help them learn to do better next time. And again,
09:04all of this is better relative to what? Relative to virtue, relative to negative consequences.
09:10Meanwhile, my husband has always handled our children's emotional well-being more naturally.
09:13He's there to guide us through the first step while we talk with our kids about how they can
09:16do better next time. Our parenting style encourages emotional stability while equally enacting the
09:22consequences that help children go into better versions of themselves. Okay, it's all just a
09:26bunch of words and nonsense. What are the principles and what are the practical actions?
09:31Don't get me wrong. I'm a softie deep down. Disciplining my children is hard. In those
09:35moments, I'll remind myself they'll achieve greater things because they develop core values
09:39and an understanding of consequences. My God, can you get to the point? What are these core values?
09:44And what do you mean by consequences? We channel both of our approaches through disciplinary and
09:48actions and kindness. This gives our parenting a higher purpose than just trying to keep the
09:52peace to get through the day as a family. I've thought about how I parent my kids for decades
09:57and yet I still can't give you any principles. Even as a teenager, I saw how important it was
10:02to give attention to your children because my parents didn't always have the time to do so
10:05and for good reason. They rarely had a moment to rest. Well, they adopted 13 kids.
10:11That is negative towards your biological children.
10:16Oh good, what our parenting style looks like in action. I keep these values in mind. What values?
10:22What are your values? Consequences, attention, kindness. Those aren't values. Those are just words.
10:28Okay, I keep these values in mind during moments such as yesterday. My husband and I had to enforce
10:32our authoritative parenting style in the grocery store even though we were rushing to get home.
10:38Our five-year-old son grabbed a box of mac and cheese off the shelf and threw it
10:42in our cart. While I put the box back, my husband told him it wasn't on our list.
10:50Okay, so what is wrong with your son wanting mac and cheese?
11:03Your five-year-old son wants mac and cheese and he wants to contribute to the family shopping.
11:08He finds the packaging attractive. He's probably had mac and cheese in the past,
11:13so that's what he likes. So he wants mac and cheese. He wants to contribute to the family shopping.
11:20What is wrong with your five-year-old? Your five-year-old is a little, little, little kid.
11:26He's barely out of toddlerhood. What is wrong with your five-year-old wanting a 99 cent box
11:33of mac and cheese? My husband told him it wasn't on our list.
11:44What is a five-year-old supposed to understand about a list?
11:51And have you explained everything beforehand? That's the key. You must never, ever, ever,
11:57ever enforce any kind of rule that you haven't explained and got the child's agreement with
12:02ahead of time. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. I mean, can you imagine that you have a cell phone
12:10contract and they say we're reducing the data you have by 80 percent, right? Instead of 50 gigs,
12:18you're now down to 10. You'd raise holy hell because you didn't agree to that ahead of time.
12:22You bought for 50 gigs. Now, they might raise the price and tell you all of that,
12:25but they can't drop the service. If you sign up for a plan that says I can call in Canada
12:31and the U.S. and then they increase the price of your plan and say you can no longer
12:37call to the U.S., you'd raise holy hell because that's not what you agreed to.
12:39You don't just have rules imposed on you arbitrarily and consider that just.
12:48What you need to do is have a nice chat with your five-year-old if you think this is some
12:52important rule, which it's not. You sit down with your five-year-old and say, okay, here's the list.
12:57Do you agree with everything that's on the list? We're not going to do things that are off the
13:00list. Here's what the list is for. Here's why we're doing this. Here's why we're doing that.
13:04Do you agree? What do you think? Give me your input so that he's part of the decision-making
13:08process, right? Because you can't inflict a rule on a kid that the kid has not understood and
13:13agreed to ahead of time. Rules are all about the negotiation ahead of time, not the arbitrary
13:18enforcement in the moment. Did your son say ahead of time, I agree with everything that's on this
13:25list? And you can do that at five. Here's this, here's that. Is there anything you want to add
13:28to the list? He says, well, I want mac and cheese. You say, well, there's a lot of chemicals.
13:32Let's make it from scratch, blah, blah, whatever, a lot of space powder in the cheese or whatever
13:37it is, right? So ahead of time, you get the kid to agree with the list. You get the kid to agree
13:47with the list and we don't buy things that are not on the list. Does he agree to that ahead of
13:52time? And then when he's in the store, if he grabs something and throws it on the cart, then you can
13:57just smile and say, is that on the list? Well, we agreed that we weren't going to do things that
14:02weren't on the list and you can't just change the rules, right? You can't just change the agreement,
14:07right? If I say I'm taking you to Chuck E. Cheese and then I take you to the Department of Motor
14:14Vehicles because I need to renew my driver's license, you won't be happy. Like I can't just
14:18change things in the moment, right? And so he doesn't say anything like, well, we talked about
14:24this ahead of time and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? And listen to this story, right?
14:33Our five-year-old son grabbed a box of mac and cheese off the shelf and threw it in our cart.
14:38Okay, so this is aggressive language, right? This is a parent who's already annoyed at the child
14:43and then you're not being honest. So grabbed and threw, all right? This is aggressive language.
14:51While I put the box back, my husband told him it wasn't on our list. Our son immediately started
14:56crying and yelling. He said we were mean, which I shut down right away. I told him he couldn't speak
15:02to us like that because he needed to respect us. And if he said it again, he'd lose TV privileges
15:07after dinner. Okay, so your son needs to respect you, but you can take the food that he wants to
15:15eat and his contributions to the shopping and just immediately invalidate it and tell him he's
15:20wrong. It's not on the list, even though he never seems to have agreed with the list ahead of time.
15:26So you're being kind of mean because he's trying to contribute to the family shopping and he's
15:32telling you what he wants to eat and what he thinks the family will want to eat. And you're
15:36just grabbing it out and saying, no, it's not on our list. So that's disrespecting his contributions.
15:40And then you get all pouty and say, well, you need to respect us. He said we were mean. Okay,
15:46so if your child says you're mean, what do you do if you are a reasonable, decent parent?
15:52What you do is you say, what do you mean by mean? What is it that you think that we're
15:56doing that's mean? What are the principles? Why are we doing something that's mean?
16:01Right, so he's saying he's experiencing what's happening as parents being mean.
16:07So you ask questions. What do you mean by that? How are we being mean? Tell me, help me understand,
16:13right? So you shut it down. No, we're not being mean. We're going to punish you if you say that
16:18again. It's like, how's that communication? How's that communication? So, and of course,
16:26he started crying and yelling and said we were mean because when he has a complaint,
16:31he's just punished. He has a complaint. He's experiencing his parents as being mean.
16:35Okay, so listen to that as a parent. Help me understand. How am I being mean?
16:40What is it that you would prefer? And so on, right? Because what was his big thing?
16:47He wanted to eat some mac and cheese. Oh no, he's basically an arsonist. Hey, mom and dad,
16:52I'd really like to eat some mac and cheese and I'd really like to help contribute
16:56to the family shopping outing.
17:00No, it's not on the list. You're being mean. All right, we're punishing you if you say that again.
17:04You need to respect us, okay? So how do you get a kid to respect you? You respect the kid,
17:09right? You can't teach a kid a language you don't speak. If you want to speak the language of
17:14respect, then you need to respect your child. He wants mac and cheese. Now, that doesn't mean he
17:20gets mac and cheese. I mean, it's not like everything I want, I get, but you got to listen.
17:26As opposed to this immediate escalation, right? He wants mac and cheese. You take it out, you put
17:30it back on the shelf. It's not on the list. And why does the kid start crying and yelling and
17:37saying you're mean? Why? Why? Why does the kid do that? Kids tend to really care about their
17:43parents. Kids tend to love their parents. Kids need their parents. Why? You have no curiosity
17:48as to why he might think you're doing something mean. And of course, the parent is the parent.
17:52As to why he might think you're doing something mean. And of course, the parents in all of these
17:56stories, the parents are always perfectly innocent. They didn't do anything wrong.
18:01They weren't short-tempered. They weren't snappy. I mean, look at this.
18:06So the parents are rushing to get home, right? So we all know what that means, that they're
18:12short-tempered, that they're going to be snappy. No, that's not on the list. Put it back,
18:16right? So they're going to be short-tempered and snappy. Now,
18:18a failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. That's something I learned
18:24very early on in the business world. So the fact that you as the parents are in a big rush does
18:30not in any way, shape or form mean that your kid has to be in a hurry too, right? So if you have
18:36something that you have failed to plan for, if you have something that you've committed to,
18:40if you're late for X, Y, and Z, you had to work late or there was slow traffic, that's not your
18:44kid's fault. The fact that you're in a rush does not give you the right to escalate with regards
18:51to your child, because that's your failure to plan. If you're trying to rush through the groceries
18:56because you want to get it done because you're late going somewhere, that's not your kid's fault.
19:00He's not in charge of your schedule. He's not making you late. He's not making you rush. He
19:04didn't set your next schedule. He didn't make traffic bad. It's not his fault. The crying
19:09continued as we walked down other aisles. When my husband shushed our son, he repeated that we were
19:13mean, right? Shush. Okay. That is mean and contemptuous and dismissive. Can you imagine
19:22if the mother, right? If the mother, the wife was upset about something harsh or mean or snappy
19:30that the husband said, and she was trying to talk to him about it and he just said,
19:35what would she? She wouldn't say, oh yes, that's perfectly reasonable. I just got shushed.
19:40Quiet woman. Come on. You wouldn't accept that behavior. You wouldn't accept that behavior.
19:47It's just a power play. This is just a wretched, wretched power play. We're bigger and we have
19:52authority and we have control and we have economic independence and you depended on us and we're
19:57bigger. My gosh, this is pathetic. The kid is crying because he's upset. Rather than asking
20:05him about what he's upset, I mean, because they're in a rush, right? They're saying, well,
20:10sorry kid, I'd love to know what's going on in your heart and mind, but sadly we have a schedule
20:15to keep and the schedule is more important than your wounded heart. So the crying continued. So
20:21now you're in a battle of wills. So the parents are perceiving that the child is being manipulative
20:26and cold and mean and nasty and this and that and the other. And the kid is just sad and upset.
20:30And he's experiencing the parents as being mean. As would I, as would you, as would any other sane
20:35person, right? Can you imagine if the husband was grocery shopping with the wife and she wanted
20:45something and he said, that's not on the list, took it out of the basket and put it back on
20:50the shelf, she'd be upset too. She'd be like, what are you talking about? That's kind of mean.
20:53And he's, shh, quiet woman. It's like, okay. So yeah, this is just escalating. The crying continues.
21:00When we got home, we stuck to our word and he didn't get to watch Paw Patrol. Excellent.
21:04My parents would have tried to quiet him in the store and eventually given up.
21:09Instead, my husband and I explained why our son's language was wrong before enforcing the promised
21:13consequences. While our son pouted in his room later that night, oh yes, he's not sad. He's just,
21:20he's just crying and he's calling you mean. He's being disrespectful and now he's pouting. Do you
21:25see the contempt that people have for the emotional lives of children? He's just pouting.
21:30He's just manipulative. He's just pouting. So look at the disrespect that is being shown to
21:36the child here. And you disrespecting your child's emotional life, disrespecting your
21:43child's preferences and his desire to contribute to the shopping, his desire to eat something like
21:47mac and cheese. It's not like that's four pounds of cocaine and candy. So where's the respect for
21:52your child? Where's the respect for your child? Shush. Where's the respect for your child's
21:55feelings? And now he's just, he's just pouting, right? No, he's sad. He's sad and upset. And he
22:01has something really important to tell you about respect. So now the idea that my parents would
22:09have tried to quiet him in the store and eventually given up. No, you don't try and
22:12quiet your child. Your child's feelings are more important than your goddamn grocery trip. Like
22:18your child's feelings are more important than sticking to the list. What are you? Some sort
22:22of toilet trained at gunpoint, anal tent of German engineer. Oh, it's gotta be on the list.
22:28Gotta be on the list. It's gotta be on the list. The list is more important than your feelings.
22:31The list is more important than your mac and cheese. The list is more important than your
22:34contribution. You have more respect for the list than your son's heart. What's the matter with you?
22:41And then you shush him. You threaten him. You call him pouty. And then you're like,
22:47but it's very important to respect family members. Like, holy crap. I don't understand
22:52his thinking at all. While our son pouted in his room later that night, we talked about why
22:56respecting us was important, how much we loved him and how he should apologize. I know he'll
23:02learn over time that he can't do whatever he wants, which will make him a happier adult
23:07who people love to be around. Yeah, well, he doesn't love to be around you.
23:13Last week, we also discussed how actions have consequences with our eight-year-old daughter.
23:16She wanted to ride her bike to a friend's house after dinner, but it was too late on a school
23:20night. My husband said no, and our daughter rolled her eyes and ran to her room, slamming
23:24the door behind her. So, she asks at the age of eight, she asks, and are there rules agreed to
23:33ahead of time? No, she's just on her knees begging the Father God for permission to go.
23:40Now, after dinner, so dinner is usually six o'clock, so 6, 630, 645, maybe seven o'clock.
23:46Why can she not? She's eight years old. Why can she not ride a bike to her friend's house?
23:52I mean, she can go for an hour. She can go half an hour. Let her do it. Why not?
23:56She wants to do it. Why not? My husband said no.
24:01So, then she's upset. Why? Because there's no negotiation. There's no rules agreed to ahead of
24:06time. She's just begging for permission, and the husband is no. Okay, why should he say no?
24:11Where's the negotiation? Right? Oh, it's all about teaching our children how to function
24:17productively and positively in the real world. Well, in the real world, you negotiate stuff.
24:22You don't just beg for permission unless you're a slave. You don't just beg for permission.
24:26You negotiate. So, you negotiate with your children. Oh, you want the mac and cheese.
24:30Okay, let's talk about it. That's the other, right? Oh, you want to go to your friend's
24:34house after dinner. Why? Why is the no? It's too late on a school night.
24:41It's not. After dinner is not too late on a school night. And if her friend is willing to have her
24:49come over, it's not objectively too late. So, let's say your eight-year-old says at 10 o'clock
24:53at night, I want to go and spend two hours at my friend's house. We'll say, no, it's too late.
24:58And then we even phone the person, put them on speakerphone and say, my daughter wants to come
25:01over at 10 o'clock for two hours. They'd say, no, it's too late. So, if a friend is willing to
25:06accept her, it's not objectively too late. Like, it's not every parent would agree it's too late
25:11because her friend is willing to have her come over. Right? So, you have a problem in that why
25:16is our rule different than the other parents' rule? And that's just a challenge that you have
25:21to deal with, but nope. So, she rolled her eyes and ran to her room, slamming the door behind her.
25:26She's frustrated that there's no negotiation and she's not allowed to make her case. Always let
25:31your kids make the case. Always let your kids make the case. You know, I'm open to talking about it
25:36and not even like I'm open to being convinced because that's saying that you're the final
25:39arbiter. But no, I mean, let me hear the case. We immediately went to her room and told her we
25:45don't do either of those things because they're disrespectful. Right. So, it's rolling your eyes
25:52is disrespectful. However, refusing to negotiate with your children and enforcing arbitrary rules
25:58is not disrespectful. Not even telling her why or explaining things or having rules ahead of time,
26:05that apparently is not disrespectful. My god. She needed to apologize and accept her punishment.
26:11No bike for the rest of the week. So, she rolls her eyes and slams the door and the punishment
26:19is no bike for the rest of the week. So, yeah, well, welcome to your teenage years when they'll
26:22be influenced by their peers and the internet more than you. She's old enough to see how other
26:27parents treat their kids and she pointed out how her best friend slams the door and never gets
26:30punished. She thought it was unfair that other kids could express their anger without punishment
26:33while she couldn't. My husband told her she was allowed to feel mad. He also explained that she
26:38should tell us about her feelings with words so we could work through them together and said that
26:43would be more helpful than slamming doors or rolling her eyes. Okay. Well, are the parents
26:49also explaining to the children what their feelings are and working through them with words
26:53or they're just saying, they're just shushing them and saying, it's not on the list. We're in a hurry.
26:58Right? No. So, you cannot ever, ever, ever justly inflict a rule on your children that you have not
27:07consistently followed for years yourself. So, if you as the parent say, I'm bothered by what you're
27:13doing. I'm not sure. I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm bothered by what you're doing. Let me tell you
27:17what I'm thinking. I'd love to hear what you're thinking. Right? So, are you as a parent
27:21explaining your feelings by talking through them with your child? Are you? Because if you're not,
27:28then asking your children to do that is asking the impossible and being a complete freaking hypocrite
27:33of the lowest and basest kind. Right? So, she says, tell about her feelings with words so we can work
27:39through them together. Right? So, the girl rolls her eyes and slams the door and the parents are
27:44upset and angry. So, are the parents working through their feelings by talking about them
27:49with the kid? No, they're just inflicting a punishment. So, the parents are angry and they
27:53just inflict the punishment and then the child is also angry and just rolls her eyes and slams
27:58the door. So, the parents are not talking through their feelings and then they're saying, well, you
28:03have to talk through your feelings even though we don't. You can't inflict negative stimuli on us
28:08when you're angry but we will inflict negative stimuli on you when you're angry. So, you doing
28:13what we're doing is the opposite of good and you not doing what we're never doing is also the
28:18opposite of good. So, you have to do what we never do in order to be the good. It's madness. It's
28:26staggering. So, he made a great point by asking how a daughter felt when her best friend rolled
28:30her eyes at her. My eight-year-old said it was annoying. I saw her realize in real time that it
28:33wasn't as helpful as talking through her feelings but how are the parents modeling talking through
28:37their feelings? Oh my gosh. When we need to take a loving approach to discipline, we do so by
28:42discussing why the consequences happen and how much we love our kids no matter what. I believe
28:46that our kids benefit from my slightly emotionally detached logical approach. My husband's strength
28:52in emotional vulnerability. Emotional vulnerability is not characterized by put that
28:56mac and cheese back now shush when you're crying. Enforcing rules sometimes make me feel like a bad
29:01mom. Really? Really. So, enforcing rules sometimes makes you feel like a bad mom but rather than talk
29:09through your feelings, you just repress them and say, right? Enforcing rules sometimes makes me
29:17feel like a bad mom but these moments when I see the light bulb spark in my children's minds are
29:21worth it. When I doubt myself while setting boundaries or making disciplinary decisions,
29:25I remember that we're preparing them to be well-rounded adults. My kids are incredible now
29:31and they'll be even more amazing in adulthood because we are committed to consequences.
29:37Yeah. Don't enforce any rules on kids that you have not repeatedly and consistently modeled
29:43for years ahead of time. If you want your kids to control their temper, you need to control your
29:47temper. If you want your kids to talk through their feelings, you need to talk through your
29:51feelings. If you want your kids to listen, you need to listen to them first. If you want your
29:56kids to respect you, you need to respect them first. Do your kids say, I don't want to go to
30:01school? And you say, well, you have to go to school. That's not listening to them talk through
30:05their feelings. If you ever said, well, maybe we can homeschool or maybe we can find some
30:08alternative or maybe this or maybe that. Nope. So, it's really sad. I don't understand this
30:15thinking. I mean, I may be a little bit oversensitive to hypocrisy, having grown up with
30:19so much of it myself, but it's all over the place in society. But if you think that simply inflicting
30:26negative consequences for them, not following the principles you've never seemed to have followed
30:32yourself is good parenting. Well, yeah, they're incredible now, I suppose, because they've just
30:37given up. See, people say, well, I just inflict negative consequences through rank hypocrisy on
30:43my kids and they're amazing. They've fallen in line. It's like, no, they haven't fallen in line.
30:48They've just given up. See, kids can't, I'm here to articulate on behalf of children. In other words,
30:53to talk about the instincts that children have that they can't articulate or will face too much
30:57negative consequences for articulating. So, yes, this is terrible, terrible, terrible stuff.
31:03It's terrible stuff and it is not going to work. Yeah. So, you've dominated them, right? Yeah. So,
31:08they've come out of the terrible twos, as they're called, and now they're in what's called the
31:11latency period, which is sort of four to five to, you know, nine to ten, maybe into puberty,
31:16depending. So, the latency period is when kids just kind of give up. If they try to negotiate
31:21through their toddlerhood, they try to look for their parents to actually manifest the principles
31:27that they inflict on the children. And if they don't, and they, you know, it's really tough for
31:30kids to make that case. It's really, that's really edgy and difficult for kids to make that case.
31:36So, I'm here to tell you on behalf of your children that if you inflict rules you never
31:40follow yourself on your children, if you dismiss their feelings as whining and pouting and so on,
31:48rather than, if you're disrespectful towards your children and then you punish them for being
31:52disrespectful towards you, if you don't see that your children's upset is the result of you not
31:58listening and your daughter rolling her eyes and slamming the door is the result of you rolling
32:04your eyes by calling your children pouty and difficult and then slamming the door of your heart
32:08by refusing to empathize with their upset, by calling their upset negative, by disrespecting
32:14their emotions and having contempt for the operations of their instinctive hearts, they
32:18don't have any control over their emotions. Their children, I mean, most adults don't either.
32:24Then that's not parenting, that's just dominance. So, yeah, your kids will give up.
32:28They will absolutely give up and they will say, okay, I can't negotiate with these people. I just
32:32get punished. I can't express a complaint and I don't know how to talk through my feelings.
32:38Because they don't talk through their feelings, they just inflict punishments.
32:42So, I give up and having your children give up looks like compliance. It looks like you've won.
32:47Absolutely, you can break kids this way and then the storms of the teenage years will hit,
32:55the hormones will hit and then you'll wonder why your parenting didn't work at all.
33:01Peaceful parenting is the way to go. Every time you want to inflict a consequence on your child
33:07or you want to punish your child, ask yourself, have I consistently for years modeled the behavior
33:12that I want out of my child? If your child is acting out their emotions, you have to say,
33:19where did they get that from? And you are responsible as a parent for everything that
33:23your child does. Because you say, well, they don't get that from me, they get that from school.
33:27You chose to put them in school. You chose to put them in school. It's still 100% on you.
33:33Well, they don't get that from me, they get that from their friends. Well,
33:36you are in charge of their social life. You choose who they socialize with, still 100% on you.
33:43So, every time your child is doing something quote negative, you need to look in the mirror and say,
33:48where's that behavior coming from? Most parenting, this kind of parenting is literally
33:54teaching your children swear words and then punishing them for swearing.
33:59There's not one instance where these parents talk out their feelings and work through those
34:04feelings in negotiation with their children and then they punish their five and eight-year-old
34:09for not doing what the parents themselves have failed to do. Consistently and repeatedly,
34:13the parents have had 40 years to learn how to do what they're punishing a five-year-old for
34:19not doing and an eight-year-old. If you haven't mastered this or done it consistently by the age
34:25of 40, how dare you inflict this standard of talking through your feelings on a five-year-old
34:30and an eight-year-old? I can't tell you how much contempt I have for this stuff.
34:34It's absolutely ridiculous. If your kids don't talk through their feelings, it's because you
34:39haven't talked through your feelings. Kids will mirror their parents. Kids will do what their
34:43parents model and show and display and teach. It's not authoritative parenting. It's just rank
34:50hypocrisy masquerading as imaginary parental perfection, which is always combined with
34:55contempt for the children and a punishment on the children so they never figure out exactly
35:00how ridiculously hypocritical the parents are. That is raising them to be good little serfs
35:08in the modern world. Well done. Congratulations. We get another generation of slavery.