This lecture examines the differences between authoritative and authoritarian parenting, based on Gwen Dewar's research. It defines authoritative parenting as a balanced approach that combines warmth with clear expectations, promoting maturity and empathy in children. The discussion also critiques the reliance on emotional coaching without a strong moral foundation, arguing that such an approach may hinder children’s ability to handle real-world challenges. The speaker calls for a parenting strategy that incorporates resilience and moral integrity, preparing children to navigate complexities while maintaining open communication.
Authoritative Parenting: https://parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style/
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Authoritative Parenting: https://parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style/
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LearningTranscript
00:00All right, hey everybody, Stefan Mullen from Freedomain.
00:03This is a little chitty chat about authoritative versus authoritarian parenting.
00:13And I'm the authoritative parenting style and evidence-based guide.
00:19And this is by Gwen Dewar.
00:21This is from, so what is authoritative parenting?
00:27So I'm going to have a quick review of these, sorry, there's just a bunch of definitions.
00:32Permissive parents are warm and responsive, but reluctant to impose rules or standards.
00:36They prefer to let their kids regulate themselves.
00:39Authoritarian parents show less warmth and sensitivity and insist on blind obedience.
00:42A little typo there, not the end of the world.
00:45They attempt to enforce compliance through punishment, threats, and psychological control.
00:50Authoritative parents steer a middle path.
00:51They are warm and responsive.
00:53Like permissive parents, they avoid harsh punishments and allow for a child to exercise
00:58some autonomy.
00:59But where permissive parents shrink away from enforcing standards, authoritative parents
01:05embrace it.
01:06They expect maturity and cooperation, as much as appropriate for a child's stage of development,
01:11and they guide behavior by reasoning with their kids.
01:15So this sounds pretty good, sounds close to peaceful parenting.
01:21And let's find out if it is.
01:24In subsequent studies, researchers also identified a fourth style, sometimes called uninvolved
01:30or neglectful parenting, where parents lacked warmth and failed to enforce standards.
01:36Okay, so the overwhelming evidence that kids need parental warmth to thrive, nurturing
01:43responsive parenting leads to better emotional, cognitive, and behavioral outcomes.
01:47It can even protect kids from toxic stress.
01:53So parenting styles that feature warmth and responsiveness, authoritative and permissive,
01:57are better overall than the remaining alternatives, authoritarian and uninvolved.
02:02There is also evidence favoring authoritative parenting as the best style.
02:07So reducing sibling conflicts, better academic performance, and so on, right?
02:16So what's the key difference between authoritative parenting and permissive parenting?
02:23So permissive parents and authoritative parents share an approach that is responsive, nurturing,
02:28and involved.
02:29Both show respect for children as independent beings.
02:32But unlike permissive parents, authoritative parents don't let their kids get away with
02:36bad behavior.
02:38Authoritative parents take a firm stand, insisting that their kids behave responsibly.
02:45No biggie.
02:47So the authoritarian parent is a drill sergeant.
02:50Do it now or else, the drill sergeant tries to get his way through threats and coercion.
02:55By contrast, the authoritative parent aims to inspire cooperation by fostering positive
03:00feelings and teaching kids the reasons for the rules.
03:06So authoritative parents communicate lots of warmth to their kids.
03:10They avoid using harsh or arbitrary punishments.
03:14They are less likely to shame their kids or attempt to control kids by withdrawing
03:17love.
03:19And when their children make mistakes or misbehave, they talk with them about it, they listen
03:23to their children's concerns, and take them into account.
03:27They help kids figure out what went wrong and explain the consequences of good and bad
03:31behavior.
03:33So while they have similar looking names, there is a big difference between authoritative
03:36and authoritarian parenting.
03:38Okay, so how do you, there's more details here, but let's say how do you, how do you
03:45practice authoritative parenting?
03:48So there's a questionnaire.
03:52Authoritative parents tend to agree with statements like these.
03:54I take my child's wishes and feelings into consideration before I ask her to do something.
03:59I encourage my child to talk about his feelings.
04:01I try to help when my child is scared or upset.
04:04I provide my child with reasons for the expectations I have for her.
04:07I respect my child's opinion and encourage him or her to express them, even if they're
04:11different from my own.
04:15So this is a small sample of the sort of questionnaires.
04:20Okay, so how do authoritative parents get their kids to cooperate?
04:25Researchers call it inductive discipline.
04:28It helps kids become more empathetic, helpful, conscientious, and kind to others.
04:33It may also promote the development of morality and lower a child's risk for developing aggressive
04:37or defiant behavior problems.
04:41Inductive discipline focuses on teaching kids to think constructively and non-selfishly
04:45about how their behavior affects others.
04:48Right, so how their behavior affects others.
04:52This is really, really important because this is feminine.
04:58And I don't mean this in any negative way whatsoever.
05:01And again, boring, boring, tons of exceptions, blah, blah, blah, we know, we know, we know.
05:06But how their behavior affects others.
05:12So this is a morality is, in this view, is not upsetting others, not hurting others'
05:22feelings and having good outcomes, right?
05:27So this is really, really important.
05:30Morality in this general, it's a general modern sense as a whole, is not upsetting other people,
05:35not hurting other people's feelings and having positive outcomes.
05:40But that is the tyranny of emotion and conformity to what is.
05:47And that is feminine as a whole.
05:51And it has its strengths, of course, right?
05:53And it has its weaknesses, which is why men and women combine to complement each other.
05:57All right, but I won't get into the examples until we dig more into the details.
06:02The idea that instead of trying to enforce good behavior through threats and punishments,
06:05you provide kids with the internal tools to regulate themselves, here are the components.
06:09Okay, so shape your child's behavior through reasoning.
06:14Why she can't touch something.
06:15That's not for you.
06:16It's too hot.
06:17It could burn you.
06:18But for older kids, it means talking with them, not at them about the reasons for our
06:21policies and rules.
06:24Okay, yeah, explain why that's good.
06:26Be your child's emotion coach.
06:29What should your child do when he feels angry or sad or scared?
06:33Inductive discipline depends on your child's ability to cope with strong emotions.
06:37Okay, a good emotion coach.
06:44Emphasize empathy and concern for others.
06:47The goal of, sorry, this is just so girly.
06:49The goal of inductive discipline is to nurture a child's intrinsic motivation to cooperate
06:53and behave with kindness.
06:55And studies show that even very young children feel empathy and want to be helpful.
07:00So we can help kids develop more reasoning skills by talking to them about how our behavior
07:04impacts others.
07:05Okay, so this is a big problem.
07:08And this is like, honestly, this is in the world.
07:11It's sending the lambs out among the wolves, right?
07:16So it's one basic, basic, basic problem with this approach.
07:20And again, we'll get into this in more detail.
07:23Maybe it's explained further down.
07:25But here's the big problem with this.
07:26If you say to your children that you have to behave, you have to cooperate and behave
07:33with kindness, that means that if they upset someone, they've done something wrong.
07:43And at a very, very surface level, we can understand this.
07:47If you upset someone, you've done something wrong.
07:50Well, putting limits on children can upset them.
07:53Is that wrong?
07:56So you actually have to inflict upset on a child in order to set limits.
08:01Let's say the child wants a candy bar, and it's not the right time, then the child will
08:04be upset that they don't get a candy bar.
08:06So saying, be kind, be nice, think about how your behavior impacts others, it's violated
08:13even in the enforcement.
08:15Even in setting these limits, you upset children.
08:18So then upsetting is irrelevant to morality, or in fact, upsetting others is a foundational
08:26component of morality, right?
08:30I mean, yesterday I was having lunch with the fam, and the waitress came by with a dessert
08:36menu, and I have a slight weakness for bread pudding, and I had to sort of, my stomach
08:44like growled, my mouth watered, and I had to say no, right?
08:48So I upset my tongue, right, I upset my taste buds, and my preference for something delicious
08:53like that.
08:55So if you diet, you're upsetting your body and your system, right?
09:00So if you say that morality, or the good, is not upsetting others, but the only way
09:06you can enforce morality or the good is by upsetting others, we need morality because
09:11we want to do things that are self-contradictory or corrupt or wrong.
09:17So it doesn't make much sense.
09:19And here's the second, the second part of this is really, really important and foundational
09:23to the modern world.
09:25So when you say that which is upsetting is bad, that which hurts the feelings of others,
09:37if that is bad, that shows a fundamental lack of understanding about how corrupt and
09:43immoral people operate.
09:45Foundational, foundational.
09:49So let's look at social media, right?
09:53So social media, how do you get people banned?
09:56Everybody knows this, right?
09:57How do you get people banned?
09:59Well, you have a mass flagging campaign where everyone says that what this person says is
10:06terrible, upsetting, offensive, and makes them frightened and could lead to negative
10:10real world consequences.
10:12So when you say, if you upset people, you're bad, then you are delivering the lambs to
10:18the wolves, because then people will simply pretend to be upset in order to control you.
10:24You cannot give your children the idea that upsetting people is just bad.
10:31It's wrong to have, you must cooperate, you must be kind, you must, because all that happens
10:35is people then control your children throughout their lives by pretending to be upset.
10:40If you say, well, you've upset this, look, this person's crying, you've upset this person,
10:48then they will simply be dominated and controlled and bullied and pushed around by people who
10:54fake being upset in order to bully them, right?
10:57I mean, everybody knows that sort of cliche in movies about nasty kids or bad kids or
11:04whatever, you know, this cliche where, you know, the kid gets another kid, like the sister
11:10gets the brother punished by pretending to cry and then gives her brother a smirk as
11:18the mother is trying to comfort her because she just faked being upset in order to get
11:24the boy punished.
11:25And we see this all over the place, right?
11:26People shouldn't be upset.
11:27And this is really, this is where censorship is coming from.
11:31Upsetting people is bad.
11:33You shouldn't upset people.
11:34Well, that just means that people who pretend to be upset control your life.
11:37It's terrible.
11:38All right.
11:39Authoritative parent promotes secure attachment and autonomy.
11:45Okay.
11:46Encouraging independence also fosters self-reliance and resourcefulness.
11:49Sure.
11:50Parental warmth is helpful for raising a child's self-esteem.
11:55Self-esteem is a kind of a problematic phrase because people who are sociopaths and so on
12:00have extremely high self-esteem.
12:02It's too high.
12:05Kids are more likely to improve their behavior if we replace shaming and negativity with
12:09friendly encouragement.
12:10Okay.
12:12So here we have misbehavior, improving your behavior, being uncooperative, maybe upsetting
12:20others and so on.
12:22So none of this is, it's the question of appropriate, right?
12:27This is inappropriate behavior.
12:29So it's bad, but there's no rule as to why.
12:36So here there is no morality.
12:39So if there's no morality, then how are children's behaviors evaluated and corrected according
12:48to what standard, right?
12:52So I mean, for me, it was a sort of UBB, right?
12:54If my daughter experimented with making a promise and breaking a promise, my answer
12:59was, so am I allowed to do that too?
13:01I mean, if this is the rule, right, I'm not going to have better rules than you.
13:04So as a whole, right?
13:07In this instance.
13:08So if you're allowed to make promises and break promises, then I'm allowed to make promises
13:12and break promises.
13:13How do you, I mean, this is a, it's a little bit of Kant and it's a whole lot of UBB, which
13:18is if the principle of your behavior is universalized, are you happy, right?
13:24And of course she wasn't, right?
13:25So it's a moral thing, right?
13:26You don't want to be hypocritical.
13:27You don't want to pretend, you don't want to uphold rules for others that you're happy
13:31to break yourself.
13:32And I said, because then you just have to have dummies around you who don't notice that,
13:37right?
13:38So that's not good.
13:42All right.
13:45Inductive discipline teaches children how to resolve conflicts in peaceful, respectful
13:49ways.
13:50Sorry to say, but this is just a whole bunch of words, you know, peaceful, respectful,
13:55warm, friendly, cooperative.
13:58I mean, these are all just words.
14:00And again, I know that they're broken down more and this is just a summary, but I have
14:04yet to see any kind of moral rule here.
14:07All right.
14:11When we use inductive discipline, we aren't just teaching self-regulation.
14:15We're also acting as role models, demonstrating techniques for resolving conflicts and soothing
14:19bad feelings.
14:20Ah, you see there?
14:21Soothing bad feelings.
14:23That's a female thing, right?
14:26So women are cooperative in the having and raising of children in our evolution, right?
14:31Women are cooperative.
14:32Women, women's children, women's offspring, women's entire reproductive purpose has no
14:37chance of survival without the cooperation of others.
14:42And so soothing bad feelings is really important because if you're ostracized, then your kids
14:47probably won't survive.
14:48Or even if they do, they won't reproduce because nobody will allow their kids to mate with
14:52your kids or marry your kids or whatever.
14:55So soothing bad feelings, very important for women.
14:59For men, nope, nope, nope, nope.
15:03For men, success is in many ways the provocation of bad feelings, right?
15:07So in my heyday, I was getting many more views, likes, and having much more influence than
15:14a lot of mainstream media, right?
15:16So I felt happy about that and they felt enraged, right?
15:20So whenever they were writing about me in general, they were writing about a competitor
15:23who was quite successful.
15:25So for men to succeed, yeah, other people have to feel bad.
15:31I mean, if you're going to hunt, whenever you're hunting feels bad.
15:34In war, you definitely want to provoke bad feelings in others, right?
15:38You want them to lose so that you win.
15:40So men have to guide themselves to some degree according to the bad feelings of others, right?
15:47So how do you know which, I mean, how do you know that the cheerleader is of great value?
15:54Now, of course, you know, the cheerleaders are attractive and so on, but it's also because,
15:58I mean, I saw this in two different schools.
16:01I remember the name of one of the girls, but not the other.
16:03I saw this in two different schools, in boarding school and junior high, there was the queen
16:07of the environment, the queen bee.
16:09It was the girl that everybody liked, everybody wanted, and all the boys would trail after
16:14her and stare at her.
16:15So one of the ways that you know that a female is high status is not just because of your
16:22own feelings towards her, but because of everyone else's feelings towards her.
16:27And so if you get a date with the high status female, and let's say you date her, you become
16:33her boyfriend and whatever, right?
16:35Then other boys feel frustrated and upset.
16:41So yeah.
16:44And soothing bad feelings is important when you're dealing with toddlers, right?
16:48Because the toddler's feelings can be kind of wild and they need comfort and so on.
16:53But that's not something you bring to adulthood, right?
16:55When I was in competition in the business world, I would go for presentations for what
17:02I was selling, and there would be competitors.
17:06There'd be a bunch of competitors, sometimes even in the waiting room.
17:11And I wouldn't wish them good luck, right?
17:14I don't want them to have good luck.
17:15I want to get the contract, I want to get the million dollars, and I want them to not
17:19get the million dollars.
17:20And when I got the million dollars, I was happy.
17:21When they got the million dollars, I was unhappy.
17:24So yeah, anyway, doesn't really translate.
17:29And also, is there any differentiation between boys and girls, males and females?
17:36All right.
17:38So that's not good.
17:43Parents learn how to compromise, negotiate, and cooperate.
17:46And this may explain why preschoolers from authoritative homes experience fewer aggressive
17:50behavior problems.
17:51And I understand that.
17:52I think that's true, and that's helpful for sure.
17:56But children are in a state of powerlessness, and you must prepare them as they grow to
18:02be in a situation of independence and power and authority themselves, right?
18:07So I can get that it's convenient to the parents if the kids don't upset each other
18:11too much.
18:13But if you simply train your kids that upsetting anyone is bad, then they become conformists
18:18and half-slaves when they grow up.
18:22And then, like, if they're in a conflict and the other person seems really upset, they'll
18:25just, well, I can't do that.
18:26You can, right?
18:27You win.
18:28Like, that's no good.
18:29That's no good.
18:30Yeah.
18:31I mean, teaching kids how to get along is fine, but you also have to teach them how
18:34to win in the bloodsport, brutal competition of love, money, and war.
18:41So anyway.
18:45Kids with warm, authoritative parents tend to have better family relationships.
18:48That's good.
18:49Ah, here we go.
18:50Parental warmth is also linked with pro-social behavior.
18:55Decades ago, researchers working in the Netherlands made a fascinating discovery.
18:59They watched as children attempted to solve a series of puzzle tasks with their parents,
19:02and they took note of parental behavior.
19:04How often do parents voice disapproval or try to take over a task?
19:08How often do parents show warmth if they expect their kids to behave with age-appropriate
19:11maturity?
19:13When guiding behavior, did they do so in ways that respected the child's autonomy?
19:17What would happen if we tried this?
19:19As it turned out, parents who behaved more authoritatively during the puzzle task had
19:23kids who were rated as more pro-social, helpful, and kind.
19:29Helpful and kind.
19:30You know, only in a very, very peaceful society, right?
19:35Only in a very peaceful society, relatively peaceful society, with debt, right?
19:40So debt has, I'm not kidding about this, I know it sounds very abstract, debt has really
19:44promoted this stuff in brutal and horrendous ways.
19:49Because it's easy to be helpful and kind, right?
19:54So let me give you an example, right?
19:57So is it easier to give to charity when you have a million dollars in the bank, or is
20:06it easier to give to charity if you have only five dollars in your pocket, right?
20:13Well, obviously, the more resources you have, the easier it is to be generous.
20:19So debt has raised this helpful and kind stuff to, I mean, deranged and pathological levels.
20:26It's psychotic.
20:27You've got to be helpful and kind.
20:29Well, because national debts all throughout the world has removed limitations, right?
20:35If you said to people, well, do you want to send this X amount of dollars to this foreign
20:40country, right?
20:41Well, if the money is just kind of printed or borrowed or created out of thin air in
20:46some way, well, who's going to say no?
20:49Well, we want to be helpful and kind, it doesn't cost anyone anything.
20:52Whereas if you say to people, you need to write me a check for $1,000 right now so I
20:57can send money to X, Y, or Z foreign country, well, then you have the limitation of actually
21:01having to pay for things, right?
21:04So there's no balancing.
21:07It is like people who have delusions of grandeur, people who are megalomaniacs do not experience
21:15limitations, right?
21:17They believe they can do anything.
21:19They can write the best opera, the best play.
21:20They can stay up for three days straight.
21:22They're limited by nothing.
21:23They're in contact with God.
21:25They are masters of the universe, right?
21:27The removal of limitations, well, it's the removal of sanity, rationality, morality,
21:35and well, reality, of course, as a whole.
21:38So this helpful and kind stuff is just driven by government debt.
21:42Should we help X group of people?
21:46Well, in a sane universe, right?
21:48In a Bitcoin-based universe, then all additions are subtractions, right?
21:56We all know this from our personal finances, right?
21:58If I want to buy a computer, then I have to subtract what I could buy or could save, of
22:07course, right?
22:08If I want to spend $1,000 on a computer, then that's $1,000 less that I have to spend on
22:13other things, right?
22:16So we weigh things in the balance.
22:18If you can just buy anything you want without limit, then you lose reality, right?
22:23So this helpful and kind stuff, again, traditionally, it was women who wanted to be helpful and
22:29kind and men who would say whether it could or could not be afforded.
22:32But with that restraint removed, it's become truly demonic.
22:37I'm not kidding about this incredibly pathological, this helpful and kind stuff.
22:40Hey, it's nice to be helpful and kind, but when have the voters, when a new program or
22:49plan is offered, right?
22:53Free daycare, right?
22:54Or socialized medicine, or when have voters, when a new plan is promised or announced,
23:01when have voters ever been asked, how are you going to pay for this and what are you
23:08going to cut?
23:09So you want this?
23:10Okay.
23:11You want subsidized daycare?
23:12Great.
23:13What should we cut?
23:15What should we cut?
23:16In my documentary, Sunset in the Golden State, I went up to the LA city council and was asking
23:22them how they were going to pay for everything.
23:24How do you pay?
23:25Right.
23:26I was whisked, well, not whisked, but I was encouraged to not continue asking my questions.
23:34So pro-social behavior.
23:40So what is pro-social behavior?
23:41It means getting along within society.
23:43But if your society is going in the wrong direction, right, I mean, it's a lemming thing,
23:48right?
23:49Well, go along with the lemmings, don't hurt the lemmings' feelings and don't argue differently
23:52and everybody goes off a cliff, right?
23:57To go against people's preferences.
24:00When I say to people that government spending is out of control and debt makes people crazed
24:05and it makes them very aggressive, right?
24:07Because when people have delusions, they get very aggressive.
24:11Because they found their virtue on that which is unreal.
24:15And once you point out that it's unreal, then their sense of virtue collapses and then they
24:19get really aggressive because they feel aggressed again.
24:22So telling someone the truth about virtue signaling or moral posturing, right?
24:28Which is using, like moral posturing in general is to do with the stealing from the poor and
24:36the unborn.
24:37The most vulnerable groups in society are the poor and the unborn, right?
24:43The people who aren't even born yet.
24:44And if you're stealing, you know, if you steal from a woman in a wheelchair, right?
24:50That's pretty ratchet, right?
24:51If you steal from somebody who isn't even born, that's, I mean, it completely defends us,
24:56right?
24:57So if you point out that spending a bunch of money on stuff is actually corrupt and
25:00immoral because you're stealing from the poor, inflation, I mean, it hits everybody, but
25:04it hits the poor the hardest.
25:07So money printing, borrowing, and national debts steal from the poor and the unborn and,
25:12you know, the aged on fixed incomes, but at least the aged have had their entire life
25:15to vote.
25:16The poor haven't even been born yet.
25:17I'm sorry, the unborn have not even been born yet.
25:21So when you point out that society is going in a really bad direction and that a vanity
25:25and psychotic self-praise has overtaken rational morality and compassion, right?
25:31Well, people are going to get really upset and angry at you.
25:34And how does this handle that, right?
25:37When should you stand up against the crowd?
25:39All right.
25:41Yeah, pro-social behavior is adolescence.
25:44Okay.
25:45Can you, I mean, let's take an extreme example.
25:47If you were in Nazi Germany or you are in Chairman Mao's bloody revolution or in communism,
25:58should you be pro-social?
26:00Should you get along?
26:01Blech.
26:02All right.
26:03Are better behaved kids more likely to elicit authoritative caregiving from their parents?
26:12Right.
26:13See, difficult, disruptive behavior, interesting, right?
26:22So yeah, I get that, right, that you can say, well, if your kids are easy to get along with
26:28then authoritative parenting works.
26:30Peaceful parenting works with peaceful children.
26:32But what if you have an aggressive child, right?
26:34So that, right?
26:37Okay.
26:38Is it culture and so on, right?
26:42So I'm just going to go back up here.
26:43I want to see a couple of examples, right?
26:50So raising a child's self-esteem is interesting and that's fine, but self-esteem has to be
26:57earned through, like, let's, sorry, let me just sort of make a thousand thoughts colliding
27:04as usual.
27:05So if you were to say that it's important for children to feel good about their health,
27:12to feel positive about their health, right?
27:16To have health self-esteem rather than whatever healthy self-esteem, right?
27:21If you were to say to a child, it's super important that you feel good and positive
27:27about your health, right?
27:29Well, how would we do that?
27:31Well, we would tell the child to eat well and get their exercise and their sunlight
27:36and, you know, whatever, hydrate, whatever is going on, that's the latest five minutes
27:40of good health advice.
27:42And we would then, you know, make sure that the child was a healthy weight.
27:45We would make sure that the child had a good resting heart rate.
27:48We might do blood work on the child to make sure that everything's hunky-dory.
27:52So we would say, if you want to have a positive belief in your own health, then you need to
28:01pursue practices that promote good health.
28:06And then we need to measure the outcome to make sure that you have achieved good health,
28:12right?
28:13We wouldn't just say, you've got to feel good about your health and then just, yeah, you
28:16look great and, you know, you're so healthy and you got to believe that, right?
28:20So self-esteem, I would say, not raising a child's self-esteem, that's, again, that's
28:30sort of a female thing, that confidence is all, right?
28:33But what I would say instead of raising a child's self-esteem is, the child has achieved
28:43good moral standards.
28:47So the child tells the truth.
28:48The child is willing to stand up for what is right, even in the face of significant
28:53opposition.
28:54The child has integrity and so on, right?
28:57But this, all of this, like pro-social and not hurting people's feelings and being nice
29:01and cooperative and all of that, none of that has anything to do with moral integrity or
29:05moral virtues.
29:06It's just about being nice and there being positive outcomes.
29:09Well, there are massive times, in fact, throughout most of human history when being moral has
29:15very negative outcomes.
29:17So if you're encouraging people to be nice and measuring their success by positive social
29:24outcomes, well, it's no measure of mental health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly
29:29sick society, right, as the saying goes.
29:33So that's not good.
29:37It's peculiar to me, especially after the 20th century, that anyone would think that
29:42being approved of by those in authority is the mark of virtue.
29:46I mean, it's crazy to me.
29:49All right.
29:50All right.
29:51So let me just see here.
29:52So there were some links here.
29:55Positive parenting tips.
29:58Okay, let's see here.
30:05Get inside your child's head.
30:07Kids might drive us crazy.
30:08Their behavior might seem irrational or unjustified, but that's the way things look on the outside.
30:16So the next time you see misbehavior, okay, and what is the definition of misbehavior?
30:23So I'm, of course, because I think this is still this woman, right, Gwen, right?
30:28So what is the definition of misbehavior?
30:29Is the definition of misbehavior upsetting someone else?
30:33Well, that's not the definition of misbehavior, right?
30:38So this, again, misbehavior is not a moral, right?
30:42Misbehavior relative to what?
30:43Relative to what standard, right?
30:45So I'm looking for any kind of morals here.
30:47And also, how are you teaching your children to stand up for what is right in the face
30:50of opposition, right?
30:53Okay, so next time you see misbehavior, ask yourself, is the child tired, bored, craving
31:01attention?
31:02Is he feeling overwhelmed or threatened?
31:05Is she nursing a perceived injustice or facing a temptation she doesn't know how to resist?
31:09Okay, so my first question is, what is misbehavior and how do you know?
31:13I really dislike it as a whole.
31:15And I remember this when I was a kid, I'd be upset about something and I would obviously
31:19feel that it was very just and legitimate and, you know, I'm sure sometimes it was.
31:22And people would say, oh, he's just tired.
31:25That's really frustrating.
31:26You're just waving away the kid's feelings, right?
31:31If I'm upset about something that I think is a moral wrong or a moral badness or something
31:38that's unfair and unjust, and someone leans in and kisses me on the head and says, oh,
31:43are you just feeling a little overwhelmed?
31:44It's like, oh my God, how claustrophobic is that?
31:47All right.
31:48When in doubt, apply the golden rule.
31:50What does it really mean to be empathetic, supportive, constructive?
31:53It doesn't mean you have to agree that a child's demands are appropriate or reasonable.
31:56Okay, appropriate to what?
31:58Reasonable relative to what?
31:59These are just words, right?
32:01We got positive sounding words.
32:03Okay, it's important that things are appropriate and reasonable.
32:08What does that mean?
32:10It's literally like a nutritionist's entire book being like, but it's important to eat
32:15well in the way that serves health and gives you a glow to your skin and a spring in your
32:20step and has you sleep, like, okay, but how?
32:24Give me some definitions.
32:29Nor does it mean that you fail to enforce limits, okay?
32:33Enforcing limits is making a child feel bad, upset, frustrated, unhappy, angry.
32:39So you can't say that it's really important to not upset others when, again, as I mentioned
32:44before, all right, your objective is to be the kind of arbitrator and mentor you'd want
32:48for yourself if you were a child.
32:51Someone who's prepared to listen to your side of the story and reassure you that you'll
32:55get a fair-minded and sympathetic hearing, right?
32:59So this is all just, you know, fair-minded, sympathetic, encouragement, good humor, acceptable.
33:05What does this mean?
33:07What does any of this mean?
33:08It's just positive words, magic fairy words, but sympathy, fairness, and diplomacy, blah,
33:16blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
33:19All right.
33:20For babies and toddlers, positive parenting often takes the form of distracting children
33:23from engaging in behavior that you don't like.
33:26So again, back to the feelings.
33:30What is bad behavior?
33:33What is misbehavior, right?
33:36Concrete examples, right?
33:37So it's all just a bunch of, it's thinking that the dictionary is the thing, right?
33:45If your kid's hungry and you throw them the definition of a meal, right, say, well, the
33:51definition of a meal is blah, blah, blah, food assembled at a particular time of day
33:54to satisfy hunger, right?
33:56Do they get to eat that?
33:57No.
33:58If you show them a picture of food, do they get to eat that?
33:59No.
34:00So there's all just pictures of stuff.
34:01It's not the stuff itself.
34:02What is the stuff itself, right?
34:06Use strategic humor and playfulness to motivate.
34:12Jokes and silliness can serve as excellent distractions, indispensable tools of diplomacy.
34:18You'll probably inspire more cooperation from your kids if you communicate requests with
34:21humor and transform work into play.
34:24When your child leaves her dirty laundry lying around, you could vent your irritation and
34:27scold him or her, but you'll likely get better results by making a game of it, encouraging
34:32your child to feed the dirty laundry hamper or play a game of toss the laundry into the
34:37basket.
34:38Well, how does that teach the child self-discipline if everything has to be a game and everything
34:43has to be fun, right?
34:47Then they're just going to assume that they don't have to do anything unless someone else
34:53works like crazy to make it a fun and enjoyable experience.
34:57Is that going to help them as adults, right?
35:01Make sure that most of your interactions are positive, even if that means ignoring
35:04some of your child's misbehavior.
35:06Again, what does that mean?
35:09What's the definition of misbehavior?
35:12Positive social interactions make for friendly, more trusting family relationships and they
35:15motivate kids to be cooperative.
35:18Should they cooperate with bad people?
35:20Should they cooperate with malevolent people?
35:25Should they cooperate with bullies?
35:26Should they like, God, there's evil in the world.
35:29How are you preparing kids for that?
35:33Even if your kid is struggling with behavior problems, what is a behavior problem, right?
35:41Make sure your kids understand what's acceptable and what's not and take care to explain the
35:46reasons for rules.
35:47Okay, great.
35:48Good.
35:49We got some reasons for rules.
35:50I'd like to see some reasons for rules.
35:51We shouldn't expect kids to read our minds, and it's kind of boringly obvious, nor should
35:55we expect children to develop advanced moral reasoning skills, not if we don't share our
35:58own reason.
35:59Fantastic.
36:00So, it's important to engage kids in genuine two-way conversations about our standards.
36:06The goal isn't just to recite a set of rules, but rather to explain the rationale for the
36:09rules and to address children's questions and concerns.
36:13Okay, so what are the rules?
36:15How are they defined?
36:16Is it just what you like and prefer and what doesn't embarrass you and what keeps the peace
36:19and what are these rules?
36:21It's all just emotions, isn't it?
36:23Maybe I'm wrong, but I haven't seen anything yet, right?
36:27The trouble with no is that it can fuel resentment and resistance.
36:30Parental criticism can also trigger feelings of hopelessness, making kids feel like they
36:34lack what it takes to improve.
36:37Find ways to say yes.
36:38This all just seems like manipulation.
36:40Ignore this, make a game, minimize, like don't focus on that, find ways.
36:45This is all just manipulating, right?
36:47But where are the moral rules here?
36:51Catch children at being good.
36:53Okay, great.
36:55I'm giving up hope, but I'm hoping over the next sand dune is an actual oasis of moral
37:02reasoning.
37:03All right.
37:04Some people believe it's wrong to praise or thank kids for staying on track.
37:07They feel that good behavior is something to be taken for granted, but the evidence
37:09goes strongly against this.
37:11Okay, so what is good behavior?
37:16When parents were instructed to offer simple praise for their children's good behavior,
37:19well done.
37:20The kids experienced fewer subsequent behavior problems.
37:23Okay, so what is good behavior?
37:26Other than getting along with everyone and not upsetting anyone, which is basically just
37:31being an invisible NPC, I don't know what is good behavior here.
37:35Okay, emotion coaching, we talked about that.
37:40Get your own emotional state under control before interacting with your child.
37:44Okay, let's try one more.
37:47Let's try one more.
37:48Aggression in children.
37:49Okay.
37:51Taming aggression.
37:52Okay.
37:53Aggression in children can take many forms.
37:55Angry tantrums, hitting, kicking, or biting, hot-headed outbursts that destroy property,
37:59cool-headed bullying, verbal attacks, attempts to control others through threats, or violence.
38:03Fantastic.
38:04Okay, so if you raise your kids to not upset others, to be pro-social, right, then other
38:10people will threaten them by being upset, right?
38:14Go to the teacher crying, you hurt me, you hurt my feelings, right?
38:18And the female teachers are like, don't hurt her feelings, and the male teachers are like,
38:21deal with it, right?
38:24Okay, so there are bad children, right?
38:28So there are bad children, and this is why aggression in children can take many forms.
38:32So how are you going to teach your children when there are, quote, bad children around?
38:37Now when I say bad children, I mean children with objectively bad behaviors, not that they're
38:41evil, they're just struggling with their own, how they're being raised, and I get all of
38:46that, right?
38:47So this woman, Gwen, is saying, oh, look, look, look, wait, hang on, look, oh, look
38:53at that, we have, children can be very aggressive, so how are you teaching your children how
39:00to deal with aggressive children, right?
39:04Okay, what sets children off?
39:06In some cases, kids lash out because they're frustrated by a problem that's too big for
39:11them, they haven't yet learned how to control their impulses, or work out conflicts in socially
39:15acceptable ways.
39:19Special difficulties, stressful life events, emotional regulation problems, attention deficit,
39:23autistic symptoms, or hyperactivity, what about the abused children who are dangerous
39:28and violent towards your children?
39:31Yet in all cases, even where children have been diagnosed with serious conduct disorders,
39:35adults can have a powerful influence, okay?
39:39Humans aren't born with programming that compels them to respond to the world with hostility,
39:43we all have the capacity to behave aggressively, whether or not we do it depends on how we
39:48perceive the world.
39:49Okay, aggressive tendencies are shaped by environmental conditions, okay, fine, this
39:55doesn't mean that it's your fault if your child is acting out, but aggressive tendencies
40:01are shaped by environmental conditions, so parents are the biggest environmental condition
40:06that children experience, right?
40:11So you're the biggest factor in your child's environment, but it doesn't mean it's your
40:15fault if your child is acting out.
40:17Oh, genetic factors, so aggressive tendencies are shaped, so, what?
40:23We're not born with programming that compels them to respond to the world with hostility,
40:26but genetic factors put some children at higher risk for trouble.
40:33Aggression in children is influenced by environmental factors, forces outside the home, yes, but
40:37those environmental forces are all chosen by parents, right?
40:41You don't have to send your kids to a bad school, you don't have to have your kids around
40:43bad teachers, you can move your kids to a different neighborhood, you control the media
40:49your kids are exposed to, so, yeah, I don't, right?
40:54Okay, aggressive kids change trajectory when parents get practical training and moral support.
40:58Ooh, morality, oh, look at that, we found morality, let's get there.
41:03The interventions work in part because parents learn specific tactics for handling aggression,
41:08parents learn to change their outlook, ah, okay, so, you see, it's not your fault if
41:13your child is acting out.
41:16However, interventions work when parents learn to change their outlook.
41:21So, then it must be your responsibility, right?
41:25All right.
41:26Struggling with a child's behavior problems is stressful and demoralizing.
41:29It saps your resilience, your sense of optimism, competence, and goodwill.
41:33It can redefine the parent-child relationship in a destructive way and prompt you to think
41:37about your child in ways that undermine your ability to cope.
41:40Right, let's make it about the mom, that's a mom thing, right, okay.
41:44Counterproductive thoughts fuel the conflict to make the behavior problems worse, right?
41:47So it is, right?
41:49All right.
41:50Replace these toxic mental habits with positive, constructive, problem-solving thoughts.
41:54Yay!
41:55Positive language, nice words, what does it mean?
41:59Okay.
42:00Okay, evidence, ah, okay, um, don't take it personally.
42:06When your child fails to comply with a request, it's easy to feel disrespected.
42:09It's easy to feel targeted when your child flies into a rage.
42:12But these emotional reactions, however natural, are wrongheaded.
42:17Okay, so your emotional reactions are natural, right?
42:23But back here, we say aggressive tendencies are shaped by environmental conditions.
42:28Humans aren't born with programming that compels them to respond to the world with hostility.
42:32And yet, these emotional reactions are natural.
42:36So wait, are emotional reactions natural?
42:39In other words, built-in or baked-in?
42:40Are they genetic for some?
42:42Are they entirely environmental?
42:43None of it makes any sense.
42:45All right.
42:46But of course, she has to deal with aggressive parents, so she has to tell them it's not
42:50their fault, so they'll keep reading and not get angry, right?
42:53So it's just kind of manipulation.
42:54I just think it's better to be blunt, but that's a bit of a dude thing, right?
42:58Okay, don't understand their feelings.
43:00Okay, I get that.
43:04Reminding yourself not to take it personally isn't just good for your mood, it's good for
43:07your relationship.
43:08But maybe it is personal, right?
43:10So if you ask your child to do something reasonable, and they ignore you, then that is, it is personal
43:17because they're not listening to you and respecting what you have to say.
43:19They're not negotiating with you, they're not communicating with you, so they're upset
43:22with you about something.
43:23So maybe you should take it personally.
43:25All right.
43:26Get realistic expectations about your child's ability.
43:30Realistic expectations, really important.
43:31But what are realistic expectations?
43:34Focus on maintaining a positive relationship.
43:36That's manipulation.
43:37All right.
43:38Okay, sorry.
43:39I'm going to do one more.
43:41I don't think we're going to get something, but this is all about the feels.
43:48What?
43:49Oh, did we do this one?
43:53Evidence-based tips.
43:57In some families, keeping the peace is a relatively easy job.
44:00Yes, keeping the peace.
44:01Right?
44:02That's what it's all about.
44:03Cooperative, upbeat, cheerfully involved.
44:05It's harder when kids show disruptive, defiant, or aggressive tendencies.
44:08So disruptive, maybe things should be disrupted, right?
44:11And of course, why does the mother, if this is, I assume, this is written for moms, because
44:16dads won't take any of this with any seriousness, honestly.
44:21This is written for moms.
44:23So how about, what if your kid is right about you?
44:27What if your kid is right about you?
44:28What if you do have dysfunctions?
44:29What if maybe you shouldn't have divorced the dad?
44:33What if you've been through a brutal divorce?
44:35What if you're mean and petty and naggy?
44:37What if you take things too personally, and it's all about you?
44:40What if you have narcissistic tendencies?
44:42What if you're selfish?
44:43What if you're aggressive?
44:44What if you're manipulative?
44:45What if you're, right?
44:46Maybe your child, I'd love to see one of these.
44:48Why don't you listen to your child?
44:49Maybe your child is right.
44:50Lord knows my daughter can be very right about me for sure.
44:53Blah, blah, blah.
44:59What's the remedy?
45:00Okay.
45:01Choose your battles.
45:02Oh, that's helpful.
45:03Okay.
45:04All right.
45:05Enforce the strictest limits on aggressive antisocial.
45:08There it is again.
45:09Antisocial.
45:10All progress is made by antisocial people.
45:13All right.
45:14All progress is made by antisocial people.
45:17It's not like all, not all antisocial people.
45:23Okay.
45:24Progress, but all progress is made by antisocial.
45:25Like, we know when you have to, you have to look at the whole world and say, you're all
45:27wrong.
45:28Right?
45:29Acts that cause damage, hurt feelings, or physical injury.
45:31Now, of course, physical injury is bad for sure.
45:34Cause damage, bad, hurt feelings.
45:35Right?
45:36So this is where women live as a whole.
45:38Causing damage, physical injury, and hurt feelings are all in the same category.
45:46It's crazy.
45:48So don't take things personally, but hurt feelings are antisocial behavior.
45:54Crazy.
45:58Address other types of misbehavior.
45:59Tipping the balance.
46:00Keep things balanced.
46:01Okay.
46:02Help kids develop socio-emotional skills and steer kids away from situations that overtax
46:06their current abilities.
46:08Yeah, I'm, yes, kids, right?
46:14State your expectations clearly and calmly and put the emphasis on positive choices rather
46:17than prohibitions.
46:19So maybe this works more with daughters, but boys want to have conflicts and be good, right?
46:25We are a lot of, we're a lot of, wait, what do kids play?
46:28Boys, right?
46:29They play war.
46:30They play combat.
46:31They play trucks ramming into each other.
46:33Boys want to fight the good fight and have integrity, right?
46:38Understand why kids push back.
46:42Developmental inability to control impulses, right?
46:44So if your children disagree with you and you immediately say, oh, they're taxed, they're
46:48overtaxed, they're overwhelmed, they've taken on a task too big for them, they're tired,
46:52they're cranky, they are, they have memory troubles, they're too young to handle emotions.
47:00Maybe they're right.
47:01Maybe you are being a bit of a jerk.
47:02It's certainly possible for parents.
47:03I know I could tell you this for myself, right?
47:06Reinforce self-control and pro-social behavior by playing developmentally appropriate games.
47:12Yeah, all right.
47:14That's right.
47:15Yeah, yeah.
47:16A couple of rounds of Simon Says and you've fixed all the dysfunction in the family.
47:18Yeah.
47:19Sleep, blah, blah, blah.
47:21Look after yourself.
47:22That's right.
47:23It's hard to stay calm and collective when your child is throwing a tantrum.
47:26All right.
47:29Where did the kid learn the tantrum from?
47:30Remember, see, where, where do kids learn how to do tantrums?
47:35Because she earlier says it's not, it's not, then it's not built in.
47:39It's not baked in.
47:40It's not in the human nature to have tantrums and aggressions.
47:42So where are they learning it from?
47:45Positive sibling relationships, revise their negative assumptions.
47:48Oh, magical thinking, right?
47:52She's not angry at you.
47:53She's just having a bad day.
47:54He didn't mean to hurt you.
47:55He was just play-fighting.
47:56Right.
47:57So gaslight yourself, right?
47:59Just gaslight yourself and it'll be fine, right?
48:02Okay.
48:03I, oh, moral disengagement.
48:05Oh, the word morality.
48:07Okay.
48:08We often think of antisocial behavior as a symptom of diminished empathy.
48:11How about virtue?
48:12Where's virtue?
48:13Any moral standards, achieving morals that are telling the truth, even if it hurts other
48:16people's feelings, being honest, being direct, right?
48:19Not manipulating.
48:20None of this is there, right?
48:24Many acts of aggression are committed by people with good empathetic abilities and social
48:28skills.
48:29And again, you got the unholy Trinity, right?
48:31Two fine, one bad, one snuck in, right?
48:35So the two that are, yes, you, child should not damage physical objects in anger and should
48:39not cause physical injury, but then you throw in hurt feelings and you're doomed, right?
48:45Because again, if you tell children not to hurt other people's feelings, they'll simply
48:49be manipulated and controlled by other people who pretend to be upset, right?
48:55Okay.
48:56So people who have good empathetic abilities and social skills, they're aggressive.
49:00They're aggression, right?
49:02So people with good empathetic abilities and social skills sometimes hurt others' feelings.
49:05Well, that's me, right?
49:06I've got good empathy skills and social skills and I cause upset to others, but that's an
49:12act of aggression, right?
49:15They've convinced themselves that their, that's a typo, that their behavior isn't wrong.
49:20The end justifies the means.
49:21I was just following orders.
49:23It's not a big deal.
49:24They brought this in themselves.
49:25They aren't like us.
49:26They don't feel, okay.
49:28What about if the person whose feelings you're hurting is doing wrong?
49:34Or what if the person whose feelings you're, quote, hurting is only pretending to have
49:40hurt feelings in order to get social sympathy and get you deplatformed, right?
49:48None of this, right?
49:49Okay.
49:50So I think, I think we are, I think we're done.
49:55But yeah, so, I mean, it's all just a bunch of positive adjectives and it's all just a
49:58bunch of, in my view, you know, just sort of gaslighting manipulation and, you know,
50:04pro-social behavior and never hurt anyone else's feelings and so on.
50:07This is all claustrophobic and it doesn't promote virtue.
50:09All it does is promote compliance and susceptibility to manipulation.
50:13And you send people, you send kids out in the world, you send kids out in the world
50:18saying that you can't upset anyone, they're just going to get pushed around from here
50:22to kingdom come.
50:23It is not good in my view.
50:25All right.
50:26I hope this helps.
50:27Thank you for your interest in the show.
50:29Freedomain.com slash donate to help out the show.
50:31Lots of love.
50:32Bye.