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FunTranscript
00:00Welcome to Video Nights, a family restaurant and entertainment center, where you'll lose
00:12yourselves in a magical world of sorcerers and knights and castles, unless you're the
00:17honorable white pick-up truck that's illegally parked in the restricted Merlin section of
00:23the parking lot.
00:24If you're that person, forget the whole magical world thing and prepare to have your vehicle towed.
00:30Come on guys, we don't want to be late for the big show.
00:49Wow, is this place medieval or what?
00:52It's an impressive display of run-amok fantasy play.
00:56And it smells like the circus.
00:59It's just so darn authentic.
01:01I mean, they've got jousting, mutton on a stick, farm animals wandering free.
01:05They even let dogs in half-price.
01:08I guess it's all part of their dream to bring back the bubonic plague.
01:17Wow, Barky, lookie, it's Sir Flinch-A-Lot.
01:23The White Knight-y.
01:25Wow.
01:27Sign my apron.
01:30Touch my walker with your lap.
01:32Oh, you were great on that toilet cleanser commercial.
01:36Thank you for torturing me with that painful memory.
01:40Is there anyone young who would like an autograph?
01:46Excuse me, my nice grandmas.
01:48I need the White Knight to sign my doggy.
01:52Thank you for that very, very odd request, strange little knight.
01:58Maybe another time.
02:00Hail, merry dinner guests.
02:02Please take your seats for our knightly dinner show.
02:06You insult your honour.
02:08For that, you pay.
02:23Hear ye, hear ye.
02:25Let us now venture back to a time of romance.
02:29A time before modern technology.
02:32A time before silverware and health codes.
02:42A time before manners.
02:47A time of knighthood and chivalry.
02:52A time before pouring skills.
02:55Please direct your attention to the arena.
02:58Hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray.
03:01Where the brutally soft Flinch-A-Lot, the White Knight of Nothingham,
03:05is ready to defend his honour against any challenger.
03:13Ready.
03:14Does anyone dare challenge the superior forces of goodness?
03:20Come on, you guys, get into the action a little.
03:24Go on, Sparky, defend your honour.
03:28Same thing every night.
03:30I waved all the ill-bred morons with meat hanging out of their mouths.
03:34The stupid Black Knight enters the ring,
03:37and by the time I slay him, the entire audience has either gone home
03:41or is writhing in their seats, wrapped by severe intestinal distress.
03:49Ho, ho, ho.
03:59You, stop right there.
04:05Teddy Blavesteed!
04:07What do you think you're doing?
04:09Look where you are.
04:11Look around.
04:13Ow!
04:18All right, then.
04:20If it's a fight you want, the joust is on.
04:24Prepare to defend thyself.
04:27Me, dog.
04:29I can hardly look.
04:31Party time!
04:39What is our brave challenger's name?
04:41Hey, Barky!
04:43I hereby dub thee Sir Barky.
04:47Ditto.
04:55Oh, what a brave little doggy.
04:58Five dollies a naughty crab.
05:01Five dollies.
05:02No reason to push nice grannies.
05:05Be enough of Barky for everybody.
05:09Hear ye, hear ye.
05:10The next round of competition is about to commence, sir.
05:14Sir Barky and the White Knight will now meet in a battle of clubs
05:18over a monk filled with man-eating crocodiles.
05:22But alas, where is our beloved, albeit slightly tarnished, White Knight?
05:28Could it be that our brave White Knight is a chicken?
05:37Fickle fans!
05:38Fickle grannies!
05:40I'll show you!
05:41Thy goal is to knock thy opponent off yon bridge
05:44and into the crocodile-filled waters below.
05:50Turn around!
06:01Let's see you get out of this!
06:10You think you can escape me?
06:15Sires, I seem to be rusted.
06:18A little lubrication, please?
06:40Too cool, too cool.
06:44Need a weapon to smiten the dog.
06:46And now, for our final and newest round of competition,
06:50our knights will attempt to pull the legendary sword Excalibur
06:54from its legendary stone
06:55and slay the legendary dragon of Black Castle.
06:59Dragon?
07:00What dragon?
07:01I told you, it's new.
07:03Make haste, brave knights!
07:10Whichever of you can remove the sword from the stone
07:14shall be king!
07:18Must smiten, doggie!
07:20Must have sword!
07:21Off me, you compounded metal lizards!
07:35Alas, it looks like the white knight will slay the dragon
07:38and retain his throne!
07:40First the dog, then the dragon!
07:51Uh-oh!
07:58Well, it looks like a draw!
08:01We'll have to do it all over again tomorrow night!
08:05Danny Smadows here, big-time agent with BTPA,
08:08the Very Talented People Agency.
08:11You represent talented people?
08:14Why are you talking to me?
08:16Are you kidding?
08:17You're the absolute funniest man I have ever seen perform!
08:21Funny?
08:22You thought it was funny when I was chomped by alligators
08:25and torched by a dragon?
08:27Killed me!
08:28And by the way, you were also hilarious
08:31in the toilet cleanser act,
08:32the one where you played the cowardly stain
08:34hiding from the animated scrubbing thingies.
08:37Brilliant!
08:38Anyway, I'd like to represent you starting, like, now!
08:42Really?
08:43You're kidding!
08:45Where do I sign?
08:46On the dotted line.
08:47But before you do,
08:48I'd like to see you do that moat pratfall one more time!
08:51It killed me!
08:53Fine!
08:53You wait here!
08:55I'll go hurl myself into the moat!
08:57Just for the full effect,
08:58I'd rather see you do it with the dog!
09:03Let's go, doggie!
09:04Let's do the moat pratfall!
09:07First you say sorry to Bucky,
09:09then you apologize for offending your honor
09:11in front of the nice old grannies!
09:14Sorry!
09:16Sorry!
09:17Sorry all around!
09:19Let's go, Bucky, old fellow!
09:22Good doggy!
09:24On second thought,
09:26do the whole act!
09:35Keep barking!