How to know whether a relationship is good for you? || Acharya Prashant (2019)

Acharya Prashant

‍♂️ Want to meet Acharya Prashant? Be a part of the Live Sessions: https://acharyaprashant.org/hi/enquir...   Want to read Acharya Prashant's Books? Get Free Delivery: https://acharyaprashant.org/en/books?...  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~  Video Information: Vishranti Shivir, 08.06.2019, Bengaluru, India   Context:  What is a good relationship? How to make a relationship healthy? How to know that a relationship is not toxic?  Music Credits: Milind Date ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Transcript

00:00There are a lot of things that are going on in my life right now, a lot of things.

00:12So basically, right now I'm 18 and I just finished my 12th course and back when I finished

00:19my 10th course, I turned to become a really bad girl in the society.

00:26So that sort of caused me the loss of my parents' trust in me, every single drop of it.

00:37And they got really scared and they didn't know what I was becoming, they tried to understand,

00:43they didn't know what I was trying to do.

00:45So they tried to condition me for like two years, like 11th and 12th, they took full

00:50control and then they said, there are 10 promises, you need to keep each and every one of them

00:54and it's extremely important that you keep them so that you become a better person.

00:59I tried to understand what they're trying to say, they said, so these promises had things

01:04like you need to be honest and you're going to be a girl who's happy, who's fun, who's

01:09all of those things and many things like that.

01:14And I didn't really understand any of those promises, but I was still made to make all

01:17those promises every single day of my life.

01:20And they kept an eye on every single thing that I was doing and that's how 11th got over.

01:26Then in 12th, I became a captain in my school because I was so good and it was just so good

01:32that I didn't do anything wrong, according to them, I was perfect.

01:36And after that, again, towards the end of 12th, when I was going to write my board exams,

01:43I just exploded.

01:45I didn't know what I was becoming again, I didn't know, like I was becoming something

01:50that they wanted me to become and I was just not able to understand what was happening

01:54to me.

01:56And then after, I am a teenager, so I fell in love with a boy.

02:02And that was in my dad's office.

02:06He owns a company and I was interning there.

02:09And I fell in love with an employee.

02:15And I was not supposed to fall in love, according to them.

02:19But that happened.

02:21And I said, right now, I'm just going to do whatever feels right and whatever that I want

02:26to do.

02:27Because two years I was forced to be something that I did not want to be.

02:31So now I was like, okay, it's fine.

02:33I'm just in love with the boy, it doesn't mean anything.

02:36I'm not doing anything wrong, according to me.

02:39So I went ahead and that was there for like one month until my mom caught me.

02:48And after that, they caught me and that night, they were like, how can you fall in love with

02:53a boy who you've just been with for?

02:56So before I told him how I feel, I could spend time with him only for one month.

03:02And I thought it was love.

03:05And so they told me that whatever that you're feeling right now is not love.

03:09And the way you make it seem is so cheap and so disgusting.

03:13So I didn't, I don't know what they're trying to say.

03:16They're saying it's not love, but so what is love?

03:20That's a question that I have.

03:22That's the first question there.

03:24What is love?

03:25Is there really a need to debate whether a particular word can be ascribed to a relationship?

03:54Right now, the debate seems to be whether or not it is love.

03:59You are saying it is love.

04:00They are saying it is not love.

04:01So I don't know what love is.

04:06Should you rather not ask what is it doing to you?

04:10Even if it's love, let's say.

04:13Some international agency comes and certifies it is love.

04:18But if it is not healthy for you, would you proceed with it?

04:24I don't think so.

04:26Similarly, if somehow many grown-ups just get together and manage to convince you that

04:35it is not love, but Olympus, Olympus happens to be the brand of this.

04:46So it is not love, but Olympus.

04:49But that Olympus is really healthy for you.

04:54It nurtures you.

04:55It gives you life.

04:57Would you drop Olympus because it is Olympus and not love?

05:02So it's not about the name, right?

05:05We have to get real and find out what is this relationship doing to us.

05:14The name doesn't matter.

05:16So what is the relationship doing to you?

05:20Makes me feel good.

05:23Does it just make you feel good as you are or does it turn you into a better human being?

05:34Because to set the background, we all have our likes and dislikes.

05:45Must we pay a lot of attention to and give a lot of importance to what we like and dislike?

05:55Or must we rather focus on that which we may like or we may dislike, but is really useful?

06:12So love that feels good or a relationship that feels good is not necessarily something

06:20useful.

06:21Pizza feels good.

06:27We know it's not very useful.

06:37Is the relationship really elevating you, advancing you in some sense?

06:43In a sense, I don't think so.

06:52Are you able to look at yourself and the world with more clarity and maturity after this

07:02relationship?

07:03Not really, no, not with me.

07:08Then there is not much to it.

07:11I'm not saying it's evil or something.

07:14It's not significant.

07:16It's just one of those things.

07:19And that does not mean that you have to necessarily drop the boy or something.

07:25One can just be, you know.

07:27So, okay, so this is the next part.

07:32So I told him what happened and I told him that I'm choosing to take a break from this

07:41and probably, and they said that it, so when my parents told me that love, what are you

07:47feeling right now is not love and it's cheap and it's disgusting, they also told me that

07:52right now, wait, find yourself first and maybe then go ahead and start a relationship because

07:59right now if you do that, you might lose yourself in the process.

08:03So they said find yourself.

08:09You cannot find yourself just all of a sudden.

08:12Even finding yourself requires that you investigate your relationships.

08:18The self-knowledge cannot come to oneself except by looking at the stuff one is related to.

08:28The self-knowledge cannot happen in a vacuum or in isolation.

08:35It's alright.

08:36You are a human being.

08:41You can relate with some other person.

08:44There is nothing disgusting or offensive about it as such.

08:51But yes, there is no particular need to call it love because love has cultural associations.

09:05It somehow becomes a big thing in the eyes of many people the moment you say it is love.

09:12One teenage girl, one teenage boy, obviously they can talk to each other, they can hang

09:17out with each other, it's okay.

09:21Be mindful of what the company of that person is doing to you.

09:26Be very very alert about that and equally alert if you really wish well to that person,

09:35that boy, what your company is doing to him.

09:41Is it a good investment of your time when you are with him or could you have expended

09:46your time in a better way?

09:49What kinds of thoughts does that person introduce in your mind?

09:53What kinds of thoughts do you induce in him?

09:58Are you becoming more insecure or are you getting more rooted in yourself?

10:06Have feelings of jealousy and possessiveness started occurring to you or to him?

10:11You have to be alert about these things.

10:17You have to see how your mind is being impacted in that relationship, in the company of that person.

10:26If the impact gives you peace, if the impact enables you to look at everything with a clearer

10:33right, proceed.

10:37If not, then you should reconsider.

10:41But there is no need to turn it into a taboo or a stigma.

10:52It's okay.

10:53Just as he can talk to him and she can talk to him.

11:01You too, in God's universe, have all the right to talk to and be with anybody you prefer.

11:12It need not even be a human being.

11:15If you want to be Pali with a dog or a crow, that too is your sovereign right.

11:22Nobody can infringe upon it.

11:25Okay, so this is the next part.

11:29I just took their advice and they said, find yourself.

11:32I just took their advice.

11:33I knew I needed a break from this because it was taking up a lot of my attention.

11:38So I told him, I need a break.

11:40I'm sorry I'm doing this to you.

11:42Because he was really broken.

11:45Broken in the sense, he called me and then he's like, so I called him.

11:49So this happened on Monday.

11:52On Tuesday, I called him and I said, all of this has happened.

11:54And I think we can just be friends for now.

11:57I just need some time and I need to figure things out.

12:00So he did this really personally.

12:02And I didn't call him for the...

12:04I didn't call him for the...

12:06Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, I didn't call him.

12:10And then he called my brother today.

12:12And he said, please make...

12:13So I don't have a phone.

12:14He has my brother's number.

12:16So he called my brother today.

12:17And then he said, please make her call me.

12:19I need to talk to her.

12:20So I picked up the phone and I spoke to him.

12:23And he's like, how can you be so selfish?

12:26You're just thinking about yourself.

12:29This is, in spiritual language, attachment.

12:36And this is not good for the mind.

12:42I'm surprised at how early even teenagers pick up all these things.

12:50And they're supposed to be adult's zone.

12:58All these things, you broke my heart, I'm missing you.

13:03Stalking, calling, calling somebody's brother.

13:11Anyway, it's not about age.

13:12It's about the fundamental human tendency.

13:15That's what is called the ego.

13:17The ego needs something to cling to.

13:19This is attachment.

13:22So a relationship per se is neither good nor bad.

13:26You have to see what that relationship comprises of.

13:29Now this relationship seems to have a strong flavor of attachment.

13:35That's a problem.

13:36That's a big problem.

13:39I realized that.

13:40So I wanted to drop it and I told him that.

13:42You don't really have to drop it in a cruel way.

13:45So I told him that we can just be friends.

13:48That's right.

13:49And even now he's like, how can you do this to me?

13:51But what are you doing to him?

13:52That I am just being friends with him and he can't take it.

13:55And that's no offense.

13:58That's no cruelty upon anyone.

14:04I told him that this does not have to be.

14:06Then you have to see what all this implies.

14:10Where is it that the fellow is seeing a difference between just being friends and being more than friends?

14:24Then you will probably see the role of lust as well.

14:30And then you will come upon another aspect of ego.

14:34It is very, very body identified.

14:37And because it is body identified, it looks at the other as a body and that is not love.

14:48When you look at the other as a body, then you are motivated to consume the other's body.

14:57And that's why you won't like it when the other one tells you we are just friends.

15:04You want to be more than friends.

15:07You want to get into probably the physical aspect of it.

15:13And again, there is no need to just denounce it or ridicule it or condemn it.

15:20It's an opportunity to understand it.

15:23It's an opportunity to see how we are as human beings and we all are like that.

15:28Man, woman, young, old, even a newborn kid has the same tendencies.

15:35Some of them may surface later on, but all of them are present even in the kid.

15:41So, just be very alert, be on a watch out.

15:50So, what am I supposed to do?

15:54That is one question that I never answer.

15:57That's something that each one of us must figure out for herself.

16:02Once you know that the other is operating from base tendencies, do you want to encourage him further?

16:13You don't want to encourage him, right?

16:15Because if you encourage him, it would be bad for both you and him.

16:19Once somebody is in the grip of attachment, then his consciousness keeps falling.

16:26He keeps becoming more and more vulnerable to all the bad things.

16:32So, you don't want to encourage attachment in somebody, right?

16:41Friendship is about wishing the other well.

16:48So, do things that would probably help him get out of the attachment.

16:54Don't do anything that would be a cause of misery for both the parties.

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