141 views Premiered 8 hours ago #acharyaprashant #wedding #relationship
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~~~~~
Video Information: 09.09.2022, Vedant Mahotsav, IISc Bangalore
Context:
~ How to come out of a toxic relationship?
~ What to do if my spouse beats me?
~ How to tackle violence in a relationship?
~ Why are people afraid to move on?
~ Why do we get into abusive marriages?
~ Who are our mentors today?
~ What is the impact of movies you watch?
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~
♂️ Want to meet Acharya Prashant?
Be a part of the Live Sessions: https://acharyaprashant.org/hi/enquir...
Want to read Acharya Prashant's Books?
Get Free Delivery: https://acharyaprashant.org/en/books?...
~~~~~
Video Information: 09.09.2022, Vedant Mahotsav, IISc Bangalore
Context:
~ How to come out of a toxic relationship?
~ What to do if my spouse beats me?
~ How to tackle violence in a relationship?
~ Why are people afraid to move on?
~ Why do we get into abusive marriages?
~ Who are our mentors today?
~ What is the impact of movies you watch?
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~
Category
📚
LearningTranscript
00:00I have been listening to your videos for a week and I can see a lot of difference in
00:08my personal life.
00:09How long have you been doing this?
00:10Sorry?
00:11How long have you been doing this?
00:12For a week.
00:13For a week?
00:14Yeah.
00:15And I was fortunate enough to live in Bangalore and I was able to come here actually.
00:22I have been facing problems in my personal life for the last 10 years.
00:26Issues with my marital life.
00:29My wife is very aggressive and because of that I have developed some psychological problems.
00:34So I am not staying with her.
00:36So I want to tell her that I can't tolerate all this what is happening in our life.
00:44But I am not able to tell her for the last 10 years.
00:48Some hidden fear which I am not able to solve.
00:53So I just wanted your some guidance what I can actually.
00:57My personality is more like, I don't like confrontation in general.
01:03And I am kind of submissive person actually.
01:09So fear is there for so many years, right from childhood.
01:14But after watching your videos, I can see a lot of difference actually.
01:23It's very well known that one major cause of all kinds of mental problems is the institution
01:37of marriage.
01:43The extent to which this institution contributes to neurosis is unmatched by any other cause.
02:08Why are people afraid to move on?
02:12In spite of having all kinds of humiliating and bitter experiences?
02:20For exactly the same reason, most people feel compelled to get hitched.
02:31Why are people afraid to step out of even abusive marriages?
02:42The reason is exactly the same as for those who feel compelled to get into marriages.
02:58That is the pressure to conform.
03:03That is the pressure to belong to the crowd.
03:12The fear to not to be labeled abnormal.
03:23The urge to not to miss out on something that has been glamorized as extremely important
03:32and central.
03:38Here in India, what are 90-95% of our movies about?
03:49Man and woman getting together, right?
03:52In some way or the other, right?
04:01So that's what it is.
04:04Obviously there is the biological urge embedded in the body itself.
04:14But much more than that, it is the social norm that first of all pushes us into this
04:26institution of marriage and then compels us to stay there even if that institution is
04:34sapping the very life out of us.
04:40See, don't we wear what Bollywood does or Tollywood or whatever, depending on your taste.
04:49We are in the South right now.
04:55We speak the way they do.
04:59We even raise our kids the way they teach us to do.
05:04They tell us how to handle our maternity.
05:07They tell us how to be good parents.
05:13They are our teachers, mentors, guides, philosophers, de facto gods.
05:28Do we see how much is our life dictated by the forces of entertainment?
05:45We spend such a lot of time on avenues of entertainment that we are bound to fully absorb
05:56the values they are giving us.
06:09If you read the Gita, there is no man-woman angle.
06:15So that kind of center, that feeling, that very issue will not even be activated in your
06:22mind.
06:23Will it be?
06:25Some other more important issue will take dominance.
06:34What is the right action?
06:36When to indulge in a war and when to retreat?
06:43How to pick the right battle to fight?
06:49Who exactly am I?
06:52What is my relationship with the world?
06:54If you spend time with the Gita, these are the issues that will get activated within
06:59you.
07:00You will feel involved with these issues.
07:04Whereas if you watch a movie, what is the issue that will gain importance in your mind?
07:14How do I get my man?
07:16How do I get my woman?
07:25Even if you go to the Ramayana, what you find is that a noble and honorable man is prepared
07:33to give up on marital, conjugal pleasure for the sake of a higher ideal.
07:46Now this kind of a higher thing you will never find in the venues that supply you your values.
08:00And all the time we are with entertainers and so much of our entertainment is simply
08:09related to sex.
08:17If you think of 10 jokes that make you laugh, 7 or 8 or 9 would be sex related, right, directly
08:27or indirectly.
08:38So right from the age of 6 or 8, we become deeply indoctrinated, please understand this.
08:56We are forcefully made to believe that the purpose of life is to chase a man or a woman.
09:10And the highest possible ideal is to spend time or life with some nice and right person.
09:21That is what you also call as settling down.
09:27Now that ideal is ingrained in our minds from a very very early age and it refuses to leave
09:35us even after we turn 80 or 90.
09:41What is life for?
09:44Life is not for a noble cause, life is not for liberation, life is not for knowledge,
09:52life is not for exploration.
09:56Life is so that you can have somebody's hand in your hand.
10:04Life is for romance, right?
10:13Life is when you have that right and perfect person with you, next to you, that's when
10:22life is right.
10:24It becomes impossible for us to even imagine a life that is not welded to somebody else's.
10:38What else is welding?
10:47That's why so much fire is there.
10:58It sounds scary if you imagine, if I tell you, you have to spend your life without being
11:08hitched to some person of the other gender.
11:13Most of us will start feeling scared.
11:19I can understand the situation of those who are already welded.
11:24But even those who are fortunate enough to not yet have been welded, even they will start
11:37feeling scared.
11:38Oh my God, what a scary vision, all alone what will happen to me, where did this feeling
11:47come from?
11:51Definitely this feeling is not coming from the body.
11:56Definitely this feeling is not prakritic or genetic.
12:02Because this kind of feeling is not found in animals.
12:09Animals do form pairs but only for a while and then they go their own way till the next
12:19mating season.
12:20They are away.
12:28This kind of a welded relationship, this concept does not exist in prakriti.
12:34So surely it is coming from the society, not biology.
12:41And from where in society is it coming?
12:44It is coming from our avenues of entertainment.
12:48Songs, you go to YouTube, which is the most watched YouTube channel across the world.
13:06And what do you watch there?
13:07Songs.
13:08And what are those songs necessarily about?
13:15Man and woman, man and woman, man and woman, man and woman.
13:20The entire world is watching that.
13:24That particular channel is in Hindi.
13:27But even otherwise, east or west, that's what we are constantly crooning.
13:33Where is my man?
13:34Where is my woman?
13:35Where is my man?
13:36Where is my woman?
13:37So that's the reason why the day you turn 12, you actually start looking for a partner.
13:52I've heard kids of age 6 and 8 have boyfriends and girlfriends these days.
14:02That's because this mass culture through media is now reaching them even earlier.
14:09They all have mobile phones.
14:13So even they are thinking that the highest thing possible in life is a boyfriend or girlfriend.
14:21And if you have that, then you have arrived.
14:26You have succeeded.
14:32With that kind of ideal, how will you ever have the courage to walk alone?
14:43And when I say walk alone, that does not mean that you cannot be in a relationship.
14:49When I say walk alone, that means being free of the compulsion to be in a relationship.
14:58These are two very different things.
15:00You can be in a relationship out of your freedom.
15:04It is an expression of your freedom that you are in a relationship.
15:07That is possible, right?
15:09Since I am free, hence out of my choice, I am in a relationship.
15:14But that's not the case very often.
15:19Most of us are in relationships not because of freedom but because of compulsion.
15:28And that's the reason why we have so many husband-wife jokes.
15:33Otherwise how can there be something to joke about in that?
15:36You don't have mother-son jokes.
15:38You don't have brother-sister jokes.
15:41Why do you have so many husband-wife jokes?
15:45Just to mitigate the suffering a little.
15:49Just to be able to laugh at your own sorry situation a little.
15:55Isn't the mother-son bond an important one?
16:03Why don't you have mother-son jokes then?
16:07Why only husband-wife jokes?
16:11Because without joking, it will be even more difficult to tolerate.
16:30This institution has ruined so many people and continues to do that on a daily basis,
16:36especially women.
16:39Here we have a man stating his predicament and suffering.
16:48But this institution has been equally if not more harsh upon women.
16:58Because they are even more scared to step out.
17:04How is it possible for a simple, normal, average, powerless lady like me to survive all alone
17:20in this big, bad, bullying world?
17:26So she will tolerate all kinds of nonsense and abuse and violence, but will stay put.
17:33And she will say, you know, I am doing it for the integrity of the family and welfare of the kids.
17:48Same goes for men, because now women are as nastily empowered as men used to be.
17:58So they are as nastily exploitative as well.
18:11Kindly get into your own mind and ask yourself, who has taught you to put up with daily abuse and humiliation?
18:26Who declared that to be your destiny?
18:33Who is that script writer?
18:39Whose is this decree that cannot be reversed?
18:54Why must you act as if you are helpless and powerless?
19:02Why must you behave as if there is no choice?
19:10I do not know what you must do.
19:13You have been with me only since a week.
19:15I do not know the intricacies of your situation.
19:23But I can talk of a general principle.
19:26Nothing in life is irreversible, please.
19:31The only thing that you should never compromise on, never negotiate on, is the central purpose of life and that is liberation.
19:43All else is dispensable.
19:50Nothing is cast in stone.
19:55You are free to be, you are free to not to be.
20:04And there is no God sitting upstairs to declare a mandate.
20:20Existence will not curse you if you are solo.
20:25And there is no special reward for remaining hitched.
20:36You know, the curse that we experience in our daily life acts both ways.
20:45One, we feel compelled to stay in rotten relationships.
20:53Second, we feel constrained from entering the right relationships, both.
21:10And I am not necessarily talking of, you know, giving up on one woman and being with another one, no.
21:18The right relationship might as well with travelling.
21:28Travel that you cannot afford because the other person won't allow you to.
21:35So that relationship is not only abusive in itself but also an impediment to another right relationship.
22:00That's the reason why wisdom literature right at young age is so important.
22:12So that you may have higher ideals, especially girls, both.
22:19It's the age of empowerment.
22:24Else the only ideal you will worship is the ideal of a couple, the happy couple.
22:31And that is the ideal almost everybody has.
22:36Done your UG, done your PG, now what?
22:39Now I will happily settle down.
22:40Now is this what you did all your studies for?
22:46Yes.
22:53Because it is the highest thing.
22:57Didi, why did you quit your job, give up on your career?
23:03Why do I need to care for job or career or advancement or exposure or experience when I already have the highest ideal possible?
23:13And what is that?
23:15Hubby and puppy.
23:21Hubby was there, then came the puppy.
23:25Why do I need the job now?
23:28Because the highest I already have.
23:38This is a great problem.
23:39You must have great ideals in life.
23:43Read great books.
23:44Watch great movies.
23:49Seek the company of greats so that you can think beyond this man-woman game.
24:00There is no problem with being a man or a woman.
24:05The problem lies in compulsiveness.
24:10You get this.
24:11The problem lies in the feeling that this is compulsory and irreversible.
24:23That's where the problem is.
24:28It is neither compulsory nor irreversible.
24:35You have a choice.
24:39And because you have a choice, you must know that hundreds of better options are available
24:45when it comes to having a great purpose for life.
24:50You were not born to worship some person of the opposite gender of your own age.
25:01You are 28, she is 26.
25:03And what's your life for?
25:05I earn a lot and keep everything at her feet.
25:09She is my goddess.
25:10Is this the purpose of your life?
25:13Didi, what were you born for?
25:17I have gifted him two puppies.
25:21I bake his bread.
25:24I make his bed.
25:30I accompany him wherever he goes.
25:40He performs on the stage.
25:43I manage the backstage.
25:47Is this what you were born for?
25:54To breed puppies remaining backstage?
25:59Do you have nothing better to do in life?
26:03Ask yourself, do I have nothing better in life to do?
26:12One day you find some person has entered your life, your house, your bedroom.
26:21And that person becomes your entire universe.
26:26But why?
26:27What is the need?
26:37But you know, all the songs are talking only of that.
26:40What do I do?
26:43FM 91, 93, 95, 97, 99.
26:53Only that is happening all the time.
26:57What do I do?
26:58I feel so out of place.
26:59I feel so abnormal.
27:06It's a huge universe.
27:07You don't need to look at everybody.
27:12When you are here in this hall, in this audience, are you concerned with what is happening out
27:20there somewhere?
27:24So have something worth attending to.
27:29Then you will automatically become oblivious to all the nonsense in the world.
27:44What is happening here right now surely is not normal.
27:52No normal person would spend a weekend doing this.
28:01But is this making you suffer?
28:03Are you seriously unhappy being here?
28:06Why must you then be so bothered about what is normal?
28:17The thing is, if you are really attentive here, you are not even thinking of what is
28:23happening elsewhere, right?
28:27That's the way to live.
28:28Be so immersed in the right thing that you are left with no space, no time, no attention
28:36to spare on all the general normal nonsense.
28:45Give your life to something worthwhile, not to some average joe or jeans.
29:14Be very mindful of where you get your entertainment from.
29:21In the name of entertainment, we ingest a lot of poison.
29:32A lot of our entertainment is just about getting deeper into bondages.
29:44And then as you sink deeper into bondages, you find you need more and more entertainment.
29:53Because you suffer so much that entertainment becomes necessary.
30:01And learn to ask some basic questions.
30:05Do not take things as right just because they are normal.
30:11There is a difference between something being normal and something being right.
30:22Doordarshan used to broadcast the Republic Day parade.
30:28I was a kid and every year I used to wonder, you know, there always is a foreign dignitary
30:39as the guest on 26th of January.
30:45And I used to wonder, I mean, that man is okay, but why are my armed forces saluting
30:51that woman?
30:53What has that woman done?
30:55And sometimes it would be a woman on the dais, the president of a country.
31:02And her husband would be standing next to her.
31:04And this very obvious question would come to the child's mind.
31:13Why are India's forces and commanders saluting that other one?
31:23But that question does not come to most people's mind.
31:25We believe it is normal, you know.
31:27Man and woman, they are together, they are one unit.
31:30How are they one unit?
31:33How are they one unit?
31:36If they are one unit and the man is a PhD, then you start calling the woman also as doctor.
31:43Do you do that?
31:52It appears so normal to us, no?
32:02If I were with someone, a lady, and she were to be the guest of honour on a podium, I would
32:15squarely refuse to accompany her.
32:21It's her right and her prerogative, who am I to share the dais with her?
32:28What have I done?
32:29What's my qualification?
32:32How do I deserve to be there, up there?
32:36And that's something very obvious, no?
32:44But we take this as normal.
32:47The two are now soulmates or something, so they are two bodies and one unit.
32:56If they are one unit, let only one of them eat.
33:07This association that man is incomplete without a woman and woman is incomplete without a
33:15man is false, false and false.
33:18Why don't you understand this?
33:22And for women, it is even more severe.
33:26They have been told that you are incomplete, not only just without a man, but also without
33:33kids.
33:34So, you are doubly incomplete.
33:37First of all, you require a man and then you also require kids.
33:39Then you are entitled to feel complete.
33:44You must burn in self-pity.
33:52Yes, we are incomplete, but that incompleteness cannot be filled by a person of the opposite gender.
34:03Our incompleteness is spiritual and we need great purposes and great ideals in life.
34:13To get rid of our incompleteness.
34:19Forming a pair, getting married is a very cheap and obviously ineffective way of trying
34:27to feel fulfilled.
34:29It will not help.
34:33It's a bad medicine that will only aggravate the disease.
34:44Think of the pleasure we have been tutored to experience in looking at a couple's picture.
34:59Somebody posts a solo, gets 200 likes.
35:08You get the drift, right?
35:11The same person poses with a partner and gets 800 likes.
35:17That's the message the society is always sending you.
35:21We want you to be normal.
35:24Pose with someone and then you oblige the society, rather you succumb to the society.
35:34No issues with being with someone, but not under pressure.
35:43Not as an obligation.
35:47Not as an obligation.
36:00Not as a legal or religious liability.
36:17Legal, religious or social.
36:30And learn to avoid people who have nothing better in life than to couple it.
36:47We have an entire section of society whose purpose in life is to ensure that people are
37:02quickly getting welded.
37:11Learn to avoid them.
37:18And if they still try to stick around, push them away.
37:23They are infectious.
37:34If someone is infected and comes too close to you, what are you supposed to do?
37:38Embrace? Hug? Kiss?
37:43Yes?
37:45Either run away or push away.
37:55What do you mean by right thing to do?
37:57You understand the question?
37:59A false morality has been implanted within.
38:04A false morality.
38:07If someone is dangerous and toxic and coming close just to infect you,
38:16are you not entitled to take care of yourself?
38:27But the false morality says, oh but that person wants me to form a pair.
38:34So that person must be a well-wisher.
38:36How do I be rude to him?
38:41What you don't understand is that that person is not your well-wisher.
38:44That person is toxic.
38:55But then I feel sometimes it may be my karma of past life or maybe this life.
39:03And because of that I have to suffer.
39:08That's the reason why instead of watching movies at age 10,
39:13you should be reading some wisdom literature
39:17and be acquainted with at least the fundamentals of Vedanta.
39:22Your suffering in this moment is not your stored karma or something.
39:29Your suffering is your own choice.
39:34Your own choice.
39:38You choose to remain the sufferer.
39:43You can opt out of the suffering.
39:53By choosing to suffer more, you are not getting any better.
39:59You are not washing away your sins or something.
40:04But this country never really gave Vedanta the respect it deserves.
40:22So if I am being discriminated against because of my caste,
40:29I should not protest or strive to be free.
40:36Why?
40:38I am just paying for the sins of my previous births.
40:44It's my prarabdha or sanchit karma.
40:46I was born in an economically disadvantaged home.
41:02I couldn't get proper education.
41:08So I don't have a standing in society.
41:11I don't earn much.
41:14I shouldn't strive to still surge ahead and do the best possible.
41:21I should simply bow my head down and tolerate whatever life is throwing at me.
41:27Why?
41:30Because it is just my old karma.
41:34What right do I have to rise, rebel and break free?
41:44What is happening to me is just justice.
41:47I am settling old accounts.
41:53Where is the question of rebellion?
41:56One cannot rebel against justice. Right?
42:01Now when suffering is labelled as justice,
42:06then there is no question of freedom from suffering. Right?
42:10You can always say I am suffering.
42:13Because I did something wrong in the past.
42:16So let me suffer.
42:19That way I will be getting rid of my karmic debt.
42:23All kinds of fancy words are in circulation these days.
42:27Karmic leisure, karmic debt, karmic tax.
42:44All that is just...
42:51You have the power.
42:55Nobody is born to suffer.
42:59Suffering is a choice.
43:02And if you find suffering is inevitable, at least choose the higher suffering.
43:14I have repeatedly said,
43:17many times in life, anand or joy is nothing but the name of the higher suffering.
43:27If you have to suffer, suffer at least honorably for a higher cause,
43:34for the sake of freedom.
43:36Why must you suffer like an animal in yoke?
43:49Like the donkey burdened with all kinds of trash.
43:58If you have to suffer, suffer like a warrior.
44:03Fighting a great battle.
44:06There are bigger things in life than a girl or a boy, a man or a woman, a husband or a wife.
44:27These are small things.
44:31Are you getting it?
44:37The man cannot be your god.
44:41The woman cannot be your goddess.
44:44Stop this.
44:56I am still googling within for the choicest abuse.
45:06What nonsense is this?
45:19If you had so much fondness or dedication for anything high in life,
45:26you would have turned yourself into a de facto god.
45:40Look what you are dedicated to.
45:44Some piece of flesh,
45:49whose primary qualification is that
45:53the gender it carries is opposite of what you have.
45:58Now how high or sublime is that?
46:02Tell me what is the primary qualification of your husband or wife?
46:06Let's be very honest about it.
46:08Suppose your wife has the same gender as you.
46:12What place does she hold now?
46:15After marriage you discover your husband is a woman.
46:20How much of great love and devotion would remain?
46:25So the primary qualification is the gender.
46:29And let's be blunt.
46:32The primary qualification is the genital organ.
46:35Now what are you devoted to then?
46:38You are free to imagine, picturize.
46:40This is what I have devoted my entire life to.
46:43Somebody's genital.
46:47How beautiful,
46:50how sublime,
46:52how aromatic.
46:57You are born for this?
47:00Then what are you doing?
47:02You are born for this?
47:05Then what are you doing?