IT'S A LIVING Season 3 Episode 14 The Doctor Danny Show
IT'S A LIVING Season 3 Episode 14 The Doctor Danny Show
Transcript
00:00Life's not the French Riviera, believe me Life's not a charity ball
00:11It isn't all a great big bed of roses It's not like showbiz, but the main thing I'm supposed to see
00:21We're not the people of Paris, believe me We know we're doing a good thing
00:29Okay, we may be less than we'll be But we're not dead, we're young and healthy
00:38And anyone who's young and healthy Knows that that's the way
00:45The traffic flows, it's unbearable
01:16Dot? What are you doing here so early?
01:23I had no choice. Can't come up with excuses anymore, I'm burnt out.
01:27I started to think of an excuse for today and all I could come up with was that aliens had taken me aboard their spaceship and done experiments on my brain.
01:34You don't think Nancy will buy that?
01:38Just have to be on time for about a week, then I'll be rested.
01:46Anybody want some candy?
01:48That's a lot of candy, Jan. Either you did something great for Richie or he did something rotten to you.
01:53Ellen's class is having a candy sale. She sells 200 boxes of candy, she gets a free trip to San Diego.
01:58If she sells 200 boxes of candy, she should get an apartment in San Diego.
02:02I know. I hate these candy sales. It's always the parents who end up selling the candy.
02:07I wasn't going to do it because I didn't want to impose on my friends.
02:10But then I remembered when I was in school, my mother probably imposed on her friends.
02:13And when she was in school, her mother probably imposed on her friends.
02:16And hey, who am I to interfere with an American tradition?
02:19I'll take a box. Thank you.
02:22I'll get your change. Dot?
02:24Oh, sorry, Jan. I'd love to, but I can't.
02:26How come?
02:27Well, see, yesterday I...
02:30What? Sugar?
02:32There were these aliens?
02:35I'll take four.
02:40Hi, y'all.
02:41Hi, y'all.
02:44I had the most wonderful time of my day off. Y'all will never guess what I did.
02:47You picked up a sailor at the dock and spent the whole day in bed.
02:51No.
02:53I went and found my vacation dream come true
02:56amongst the tall pines of the Thornhurst Mountain Estates.
02:59Truly a Four Seasons Resort.
03:01Uh-oh. She's talking brochure talk.
03:04Anytime anybody says that they have found their vacation dream come true
03:07or they may already have won a fabulous prize, it's not really them talking.
03:11They've been possessed by something that came in the mail.
03:14Well, as a matter of fact, I got this letter from the folks up at the Thornhurst Mountain Estates
03:18telling me that I had won either a Rolls Royce convertible
03:22or a fully automatic microwave oven or a free set of steak knives.
03:26So when do we get a ride in the Rolls?
03:28Oh, I didn't win the car.
03:30You're kidding.
03:32I won the knives.
03:34I also saw what has to be dollar for dollar
03:37the best vacation timeshare investment in America today.
03:40This isn't brochure talk. This is sales film talk.
03:43See, you just give them $7,000 and that buys you one week a year
03:47every year at the fabulous Thornhurst Mountain Estates.
03:50And you figure out what a vacation costs you and you'll see what a great deal this is.
03:54So how many estates did you buy?
03:56Well, none yet because I can't afford it by myself.
03:59But together we can afford it easily.
04:02So I'm going to show you how for just pennies a day
04:05you too can enjoy the satisfaction of owning your own rustic mountain villa.
04:10I've got the top bunk.
04:20Hey, Cassie, I want to ask you a question.
04:22What would you think if I had Kirk Douglas' chin?
04:24I think you're better off just trying to get an autograph.
04:27No, no. Really. Excuse me.
04:29See, I never really liked my chin.
04:31So I went to this plastic surgery clinic and for only $1,200
04:34I can get Kirk Douglas' chin. What do you think?
04:37Well, why stop at the chin?
04:39I think you should get as much of Kirk Douglas' face as possible.
04:42Look, you said so yourself. You're pooped, right?
04:45I think the medical term is brain dead.
04:47Well, what better way to get your juices going again
04:49than a few days at your own vacation home?
04:51Wait a minute. Is there something fun to do at this place?
04:54Yeah, you can swim in the proposed lake.
04:56Proposed lake?
04:57Yeah, yeah. I know what you're thinking.
04:59What if the lake is never built, Amy?
05:01Or what if the tennis courts are never put in?
05:03Or what if the golf course is never done?
05:05Don't you think I had enough sense to ask those questions?
05:07Did you?
05:09Yes, I asked and they showed me the artist's renderings
05:11of what Thornhurst Mountain Estates will look like when it's done.
05:14Now, why would they go to the trouble of making artist's renderings
05:17if they weren't planning to do all that stuff?
05:19Talk like this could get you made a ward of the county.
05:23Happened to a cousin of mine.
05:34Dr. Jacobs, what are you doing here?
05:37You don't have a drive-in window, so I took the elevator.
05:41A hernia is nothing to laugh at.
05:43These are words to live by.
05:45Oh, they'll never replace there's no place like home,
05:47but they are words to live by.
05:49A hernia is nothing to laugh at.
05:52Well, you can't tell. People may take to it.
05:54Don't be such a wiser than I am.
05:55How come you didn't come in for your appointment today?
05:57Dr. Burnham is a very important surgeon.
05:59I had to come by to take a look at you.
06:00It must have slipped my mind.
06:02Slipped your mind.
06:03Had to take him to lunch.
06:04Brilliant surgeon.
06:05Eats like a pig.
06:07Now, we've got to get this hernia fixed.
06:09I told you the other day, I have no intention of having surgery.
06:12I have no intention of leaving you alone
06:13until we get this thing taken care of.
06:15You can sit at a table or you can have a seat at the bar.
06:17Which would you like?
06:18What I'd like, I'd like to go home and soak my feet.
06:21Enjoy your meal.
06:22Will you please sit down?
06:24Sit.
06:25Sorry, I have work to do.
06:27I should have been a veterinarian.
06:28When you say sit, they sit.
06:30Nancy, you're being silly.
06:32Believe me, you'll be glad you did this.
06:33I told you I don't want to.
06:35Now, leave me alone.
06:36I am not going to leave you alone.
06:37Trouble?
06:38Yeah, my feet are killing me.
06:40You got to bring your crazy boyfriends into my kitchen.
06:42He followed me.
06:43I don't want him here.
06:45Okay, you out.
06:46You can't throw me out.
06:47I'm a doctor.
06:48You're a doctor?
06:49Yeah.
06:50I'd show you my diploma, but I left my wall in the car.
06:52Hey, Rob, Spud, you want to kick out a doctor?
06:55Wait a minute.
06:56This woman is very sick.
06:57You should have gotten to know her better
06:58before you went out with her.
06:59She needs an operation.
07:00Will you wait a second?
07:01Will you stop pulling?
07:03Oh, you were wonderful.
07:05I don't like doctors.
07:07Why did he say you need an operation?
07:09There must be something wrong with him.
07:10I have a slight hernia.
07:11It's really nothing.
07:12But if the doctor said you need an operation,
07:14shouldn't she get it?
07:15Look, I'm only going to say this once.
07:17I am not going to the hospital.
07:19I am not going to the hospital.
07:26What are you doing?
07:28This very pretty girl has taken my order.
07:31Not her, you.
07:32Why won't you leave me alone?
07:34Because I'm your doctor.
07:35It's my job to bother you.
07:37You bother her for a living?
07:38I do it for fun.
07:39Lots of people have hernias.
07:41I'll be fine.
07:42Wait a minute.
07:43Lots of people have hernias,
07:44but not as large as yours.
07:46Did you ever hear of a strangulated hernia?
07:48No.
07:49They're rare, but they happen.
07:50Now, look, I don't want to lose you.
07:52You're the prettiest patient I've got.
07:54Well, I guess that's why they call it
07:55the hypocrite of ghosts.
07:57Pretty and funny.
07:59I like you.
08:00We should go dancing sometime.
08:02All right.
08:03My luck, I got such bad feet.
08:05I'll see you in the hospital tomorrow.
08:07It's out of the question.
08:08I'll wear a tross.
08:12If a hernia strangulates,
08:14you won't wear anything.
08:16You'll be dead.
08:31Ladies and gentlemen,
08:32when I say to you,
08:33gunfight at the O.K. Corral,
08:34Spartacus, the Vikings,
08:36what's the first thing you think of?
08:38That's right,
08:39Kirk Douglas' chin.
08:41Soon to be a chin shared by yours truly.
08:46In honor of this momentous decision,
08:48I thought I'd do a medley of chin songs for you.
08:51Unfortunately,
08:52there aren't enough chin songs
08:53to make a medley.
08:55So I'm going to do an eye medley,
08:56and I want you to think of
08:57Kirk Douglas' chin
08:59every time I say the word eyes.
09:02Jeepers, creepers.
09:05Amy, I still don't understand this.
09:07If we only get to spend
09:08one week a year at this place,
09:09does that mean we all have to
09:10take our vacations together?
09:11No, not necessarily.
09:13We could each take it
09:14one week every four years.
09:15Or we could take it
09:16two days every year
09:17with one of us
09:18only getting the one day a year.
09:19And that would rotate
09:20so that you'd only get
09:21the one day a year
09:22every four years.
09:23Or else what we could do
09:24is several of us...
09:25Oh, come on, kid.
09:26Doesn't it seem silly
09:27getting a place
09:28you're only going to use
09:29a couple of days a year?
09:30I've already got a place like that,
09:31my apartment.
09:33Gee, I wish I would have known
09:34y'all felt this way
09:35because I invited the salesman
09:36to come down here
09:37tomorrow night
09:38and show y'all
09:39what he showed me.
09:40Well, he was going to bring
09:41each of you
09:42a free set of steak knives.
09:44Hi, Nancy.
09:45How's it going?
09:46Just exactly
09:47what is that supposed to mean?
09:48It means,
09:49hi, Nancy.
09:50How's it going?
09:51There aren't any
09:52oh, poor Nancys in there,
09:53I hope.
09:54I don't want your
09:55oh, poor Nancys.
09:56I don't want anyone's
09:57oh, poor Nancys.
09:58Haven't heard one in weeks.
09:59Fine.
10:00Nobody cares about me.
10:01I understand.
10:02Nancy, what is it with you?
10:03Do you want sympathy?
10:04Do you not want sympathy?
10:05Which is it?
10:06No sympathy.
10:07Fine.
10:13Okay, a little sympathy.
10:15Nancy, I'm sorry
10:16you're going through this.
10:17Oh, it just makes me
10:18so damn mad.
10:20I mean, why me?
10:21I don't deserve this.
10:22Am I the sort of person
10:23who deserves a hernia?
10:26No.
10:27Of course not.
10:29Why is such a stupid thing
10:30a hernia?
10:31I mean, it just sounds silly.
10:33Hernia.
10:34It's too close to hyena.
10:35How can you be serious about it?
10:37Well, your doctor seems
10:38to think it's pretty serious.
10:39I hate this hernia.
10:41How did you get it anyway?
10:42Oh, that's the worst part.
10:45Last week I locked
10:46my keys in my house
10:47and I got the hernia
10:48boosting my date
10:49into my bedroom window.
10:53I'm sorry.
10:54Is this your idea of sympathy?
10:55I'm sorry.
10:56It...
10:58It's a picture, isn't it?
11:00Why didn't he boost you?
11:02He was a small oriental man.
11:04He tried twice,
11:05but he kept falling
11:06into the shrubs.
11:07I had no choice.
11:08Oh, good Lord,
11:09why am I telling you this?
11:10Look, you won't tell
11:11the others, will you?
11:13It's not gonna be easy.
11:14Oh, please.
11:15I couldn't stand the embarrassment.
11:17Let's talk candy.
11:18Three boxes?
11:19Five.
11:20I hate this hernia.
11:24Excuse me, young fella.
11:25Is that Nancy Beebe around?
11:27Yeah, she's around here somewhere.
11:28Hmm.
11:29Aren't you that doctor
11:30who got her all worked up
11:31yesterday?
11:32No, I'm the doctor
11:33that got all worked up
11:34over her yesterday.
11:36I gotta ask you something, Doc.
11:37I'm thinking about
11:38having plastic surgery done.
11:39I'm gonna get
11:40Kirk Douglas' chin.
11:42Whoa, whoa, whoa.
11:44What's the matter with that chin?
11:45Doesn't it do everything
11:46a chin should do?
11:47Oh, I know.
11:48It's not a bad chin,
11:49but it's not a
11:50Kirk Douglas' chin.
11:51You...
11:52You wouldn't want that chin.
11:53It's a very bad chin.
11:54What are you talking about?
11:55I love that chin.
11:56You've had a lot of trouble
11:57with that chin.
11:58That's what it's called.
11:59Lint gets stuck
12:00in that chin.
12:01Don't change a thing.
12:02I love your just a...
12:03Ah, Nancy.
12:05Oh, what a beautiful dress.
12:07Would you sit down
12:08for a minute?
12:09Why?
12:10I'd like to get off my feet.
12:11All right.
12:12You got flat feet?
12:13No.
12:14Terrible thing, flat feet.
12:15Terrible, terrible.
12:17And very little
12:18public awareness, you know.
12:19Flat feet needs
12:20a poster child.
12:22Listen,
12:23I'm awful sorry
12:24that I upset you yesterday.
12:26But that was yesterday.
12:27This is today.
12:28Now, you got to get
12:29into the hospital
12:30and get that urn you're taking.
12:31Why won't you leave me alone?
12:32Nancy, you're sitting
12:33on a time bomb.
12:34It may never go off
12:35or it could go off tomorrow.
12:36Now, I can't leave you alone
12:38with a thing like that.
12:39I can't.
12:40Just as I can't
12:41go to the hospital.
12:42You keep saying that.
12:43I don't understand why.
12:44Because I'm afraid.
12:46Oh, now that's irrational.
12:47Oh, not to me it isn't.
12:50When I was about six years old,
12:51I had my tonsils out.
12:53It was supposed to be
12:54a routine operation.
12:55Something went wrong.
12:56I almost bled to death.
12:58To this day,
12:59the smell of the hospital
13:00brings back all those memories.
13:01The taste of the blood.
13:02The screaming.
13:03The fear.
13:04I can't even visit people
13:05in the hospital
13:06without being overcome by fear.
13:08I've tried hypnosis.
13:09I've tried therapy.
13:10Nothing helps.
13:13Look, I thank you
13:14for your concern,
13:15but I just can't do it.
13:16I'm sorry.
13:18So,
13:19I'll schedule a bed
13:20for you for tomorrow.
13:27Oh, sorry to bother you.
13:28I didn't know you were in here.
13:29It's all right.
13:30It's your lounge.
13:32I just needed a place
13:33to be alone.
13:38You're probably wondering
13:39why I'm not having this operation.
13:41Nope.
13:43It's not that I don't want to.
13:44None of my business.
13:46It's just that I don't think
13:47I can do it.
13:48Then don't.
13:49I'd like to do it.
13:51Then do it.
13:54Oh,
13:56you wouldn't understand.
13:57Probably not.
13:58Obviously,
13:59you're afraid of something.
14:03When I was a child,
14:04I had a very rough time
14:05during an operation.
14:07My mother and father
14:08were out of town
14:09and I had to go through it alone.
14:12While I was just sitting here alone,
14:13I realized that
14:14that's what I'm afraid of.
14:16It's not the hospital
14:17that scares me.
14:19It's the alone.
14:22You know, Nancy,
14:23in a very strange way,
14:26you and I are very much alike.
14:29Sounds strange.
14:31Well, we are.
14:32Our independence,
14:33our strength,
14:34even the way we feel about men.
14:37See, see,
14:38I know that inside you have
14:40what it takes to get through this.
14:42Oh, Cassie,
14:43I want to have this operation,
14:45but I just need somebody
14:46to be there with me.
14:48Don't worry.
14:49I'll be there with you.
14:50We'll all be there with you.
14:53Cassie.
14:55Don't say it, Nancy.
14:56I have to.
14:59Your break is over.
15:00Get back on the floor.
15:16How's the patient?
15:17Oh, just fine, Dot.
15:18Brought you some candy.
15:19Me too.
15:20Oh, how lovely.
15:21Just stack it up over here
15:22if you can find any room.
15:24Is there anything we can do for you
15:25while you're in here?
15:26No, I don't think so.
15:27I posted a new schedule at work.
15:28Oh, Jan,
15:29I want you to take over
15:30the hostess duties while I'm gone.
15:31Sure.
15:32Oh, and if anything
15:33should happen to Jan,
15:34then Cassie would assume
15:35the duties of hostess.
15:36Gotcha.
15:37And if for any reason
15:38Cassie can't be there,
15:39then Amy will be hostess.
15:40You bet.
15:41And if Amy can't be there?
15:43Just let the customers
15:44fend for themselves.
15:45They'll work it out.
15:48Hello.
15:49I'm Dr. Bartlett.
15:50I'll be your anesthesiologist.
15:52Hi, Dad.
15:53Cassie.
15:54Good to see you.
15:55You look great.
15:56Thanks.
15:57So do you.
15:58I haven't seen you in ages.
15:59We should have dinner sometime.
16:00I'd like that.
16:01Give me a call.
16:02I will.
16:03Good seeing you again.
16:09I'm sorry.
16:10I need to take your pulse.
16:16Thanks.
16:17Take care, Cassie.
16:18Bye-bye.
16:19Bye.
16:20He doesn't have much
16:21of a bedside manner.
16:22After a couple of martinis,
16:23he does.
16:26Nancy,
16:27I want you to meet your surgeon.
16:28This is Dr. Burnham.
16:29Hi, Miss Beebe.
16:30Hello, Doctor.
16:31Shove over.
16:32I gotta get off my feet.
16:35Hi, Phil.
16:37Cassie, how are you, sweetie?
16:39Having fun.
16:40How about you?
16:41Terrific.
16:42How about some coffee later?
16:43I'll be here.
16:44Sure there are other men
16:45I should have known.
16:47Miss Beebe,
16:48you have nothing to worry about.
16:49Procedure I'm going to perform
16:50is very simple.
16:51Shouldn't take long at all.
16:52Good.
16:53We wouldn't want to keep you
16:54from your coffee.
16:55Thanks.
16:56They'll be getting you ready
16:57for surgery soon.
16:58I'll see you upstairs.
17:00Bye, Cassie.
17:01Have fun.
17:03Relax.
17:04He's the best.
17:05He looks awfully young.
17:06I know,
17:07but I promised him
17:08if he finished his homework,
17:09he could do this operation.
17:12Trust me.
17:14Ready?
17:15I guess.
17:16Girls, I want to thank you all
17:17for being here.
17:18I can't tell you
17:19what it means to me.
17:20Of course, I know
17:21we've had our differences.
17:22What differences?
17:24I mean, sure,
17:25we haven't seen eye to eye,
17:26but we don't have differences.
17:27But when I think
17:28of the good times we've had,
17:30the laughs that we've shared,
17:32those special moments
17:33when I just wanted to reach out
17:34and hug you,
17:36I think that deep down inside
17:37we like each other.
17:39Good to see you
17:40slinging it again, Dot.
17:41Anyway, thanks.
17:43Bye-bye.
17:44I'll be downstairs.
17:45Hang in there.
17:47Nice kids.
17:50Well?
17:51I'm ready.
17:54You know how to drive this thing?
18:02Where's Nancy?
18:03She's not back from surgery yet?
18:04Relax.
18:05She hasn't been there that long.
18:06Where's Howard?
18:07Ah, he wanted to go make faces
18:08at the babies in the nursery.
18:09I get tired of that
18:10after 10, 15 minutes.
18:12This whole thing's got me tense.
18:13I can't wait till it's over
18:14so I can get away
18:15to my country place.
18:16You mean that motel
18:17you go to in Bakersfield?
18:19Well, didn't I tell you?
18:20Before I came over here,
18:21this guy named Mel
18:22stopped by the restaurant
18:23looking for Amy.
18:24I forgot to call him.
18:25He's a salesman
18:26from the Thornhurst Mountain Estates.
18:27Once they get that lake in,
18:28I'll be fishing right off
18:29my front porch.
18:31Well, I'm gonna go down
18:32and get some coffee.
18:33I guess I can leave this here
18:34for Nancy.
18:35What'd you get her?
18:36A set of steak knives.
18:41Dr. Jacobs,
18:42what are you doing here?
18:43I work here.
18:44Where's Nancy?
18:45She's up in surgery.
18:46They don't need me there now.
18:48What are you playing with the bed?
18:49Oh, I'm sorry.
18:58Oh, gosh.
19:00Boy, you look as tired
19:01as a beer that's been
19:02on the bar a week.
19:06You always talk like that?
19:08If you make fun of her,
19:09she'll stop.
19:11Nobody stops
19:12unless they want to.
19:13What?
19:14I just left a patient
19:15on the third floor.
19:16He's got tubes
19:17in his nose,
19:18tubes in his arms.
19:19We got him hooked up
19:20to everything in this hospital
19:21except the coffee machine.
19:22And you know
19:23what he just told me?
19:24He's gonna stop smoking.
19:27Fifteen years,
19:28I reasoned with him,
19:29pleaded with him,
19:30kidded him.
19:31Nothing.
19:32Now he's gonna stop.
19:34Probably in the next
19:35three days,
19:36because I don't think
19:37he's gonna live any longer.
19:39What did he expect me to do?
19:40Huh?
19:41I got nothing to do
19:42Huh?
19:43I got to chase him around
19:44and slap his hand
19:45every time I reach
19:46for a cigarette?
19:47I got enough problems
19:48keeping people alive
19:49who want to live.
19:51You know,
19:52I should have been
19:53a podiatrist.
19:54Then I could have done
19:55something about
19:56my damn feet.
20:00I want to tell you
20:01that Miss Beebe is fine.
20:02She came through
20:03with flying colors.
20:04Great!
20:05She'll be back to her
20:06old self in no time.
20:07Great.
20:12Well, is everything
20:13satisfactory, doctor?
20:14Delicious.
20:15Really good.
20:16And so are you.
20:18I don't know how to thank you
20:19for the way I feel.
20:20Well, you could
20:21pick up the bill.
20:23Tell you what,
20:24you pick up the hospital bill
20:25and I'll pick up this one.
20:27I'll pay.
20:28Come back again soon.
20:31You know, ladies and gentlemen,
20:32the other day when I was making
20:33a rather substantial
20:34real estate investment,
20:35I said to myself,
20:36Sonny, you're a land baron now.
20:38Act accordingly.
20:39This land is your land.
20:42Hey, this land is my land.
20:45From California
20:48to the New York Island.
20:52From the railroad.
20:54Say ah.
20:55Ah.
20:58You shouldn't sing
20:59for the rest of the night.
21:01What's the matter?
21:02Is something wrong?
21:03Yeah.
21:04I want to eat my meal in peace.
21:09I want to eat my meal in peace.
21:39I want to eat my meal in peace.