Up Pompeii - Britannicus
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00:00Greetings, citizens, greetings.
00:29Now, the prologue, the prologue.
00:32Our story today is taken from the book, The Odyssey, The Odyssey.
00:39Now, this is a book full of odds and ends.
00:42LAUGHTER
00:46And it came to pass...
00:48You know, to present my own article...
00:50One day you'll clear the discussion!
00:52It's my master and mistress having a row.
00:54What about it?
00:56What were you doing?
00:58I'm mad! I'm mad!
01:00Oh, what?
01:02Watch your mouth!
01:04No, no, no, no!
01:06Ah!
01:08Half-time!
01:10Oh, dear.
01:12What are to do? It's my master and mistress having a row.
01:15They always have a row on this day in the year.
01:17I don't know why they don't forget their wedding anniversary.
01:19I think it's so stupid.
01:21And, of course, it'll all come back on me, you know, the slave in the household.
01:24All these... She'll be saying,
01:26You know what they do in Tokyo?
01:28They pick up those bits and stick them...
01:30..together, together...
01:32..together.
01:36No, well, I mean, it's...
01:38Well, you've been to all those museums,
01:40you've seen all those ancient vases with cracks all over them.
01:43Well, this is how it happens, you see.
01:45Yes, well...
01:47Now...
01:49Drafting.
01:51Quiet now, please. The prologue.
01:53Now, today...
01:56Now, today, ladies and gentlemen,
01:58we have the Odyssey.
02:00Now, we're going to give you a story.
02:02This is Odysseus and the Sirens.
02:04Odysseus and the Sirens.
02:06Now, one day, the sirens went off,
02:08but the air-raid shelter was a long way from...
02:10WOMAN SINGS
02:12Oh, dear. Oh, here she is.
02:14Misery.
02:16Oh, dear.
02:18This is the soothsayer, the soothsayer Senna.
02:21WOMAN SINGS
02:24Oh, dear, she's a silly old pod.
02:28I have just returned from a visit to Mars.
02:31To where? Mars!
02:33Oh, how is your poor old mother, dear?
02:36Is she still in the Derby and Jonas Club?
02:39Cos she was always in the club, you know.
02:41Mars, the great god of war.
02:44Oh, that Mars, yes.
02:46Beware, a great battle will be fought
02:48in a far-off land across the seas.
02:51Battle of far-off land across the sea?
02:53Oh, you're war-mongering now.
02:55Go on, do your mongering somewhere else, please.
02:57Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.
03:00Let slip the dogs of war?
03:02Only the blessed will escape their bloody fangs.
03:06It'll be no bloody fangs to you, mate.
03:11Beware! Beware!
03:13All right, love, we'll do our best.
03:15Oh, what a funny woman. She's a risary.
03:17She really is a misery.
03:19Oh, the prologue.
03:21Now, Odysseus and the Sirens.
03:24Now, these Sirens were strange creatures.
03:27Strange creatures, the Sirens.
03:29They were half women and half fish, you see.
03:33And, yes, fish, half fish.
03:35And their measurements, or for those with their own teeth,
03:38their vital statistics.
03:41Measurements, 38, 28 and three drachmas a pound.
03:46A full etude.
03:48And, mind you, they were very nice, some of them.
03:51The most attractive, especially the ones with the soft rose.
03:54And, yes, and they had lovely long fair hair
03:58and they had lovely shoulders and slim waists
04:00and thereby hangs a tail.
04:04Well, what do you expect, wit?
04:06You expect that? You won't get into this show.
04:08Oh, dear.
04:10Oh, God. Second half.
04:13Is there a potter in the house?
04:15Oh, look, I'm so sorry about all this,
04:18but I'm afraid my dear wife has no artistic appreciation.
04:21Oh, I'm sorry.
04:23All I was doing was admiring the bust of a wood nymph.
04:26SCREAMS
04:28SCREAMS
04:30The wood nymph?
04:32Would she would or would she wouldn't?
04:34I didn't get... I didn't get time to find out.
04:37And keep out of my sight, rapist Liberty!
04:41Oh, no, mistress, don't throw that, please, don't.
04:43I was just going to use it, now, please.
04:46For the crocuses.
04:49Oh, wretched, wretched man!
04:52How could you do this to me after 20 years of marriage?
04:56Well, my dear, that's exactly what I said to myself.
04:59How could I do it to you after 20 years of marriage?
05:03LAUGHTER
05:05I didn't mean that.
05:07Is there a chamberlain in the house?
05:09Is there a chamberlain in the house?
05:11LAUGHTER
05:13I can't let loose the door!
05:15Oh, good gracious!
05:17What's she on about?
05:19She's doing the cry havoc bit, you know.
05:21Uh, warmongering.
05:23Oh, perhaps she heard about me and that girl.
05:26No, no, no, warmongering, W-A-R.
05:29LAUGHTER
05:31Oh, I beg your pardon.
05:33Yes, oh. Oh, he's a silly old fool, he really is.
05:36I think his hearing's going.
05:38Well, it's about time something did.
05:40Well, I mean, you can't keep bashing away with every part
05:43without something giving out eventually, can you?
05:46Pity it wasn't his mouth, I'll tell you that much.
05:48Oh, lurk you, lurk you!
05:50I hope she doesn't mean there's going to be another war.
05:53I wouldn't like that, you know.
05:55Oh, I don't know, master. After all, it would get you out of the house, wouldn't it?
05:58Oh, well, you forget that I spent five years as a youth in Caesar's legions.
06:02Did you? Oh, all that pillaging, burning, raping.
06:05Oh, the times we had.
06:07I remember, lurk you, one time in Gaul.
06:11Here we go, all our yesterdays.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:16Yes, they had these girls, you know, lurk you, in Gaul, you see.
06:19Oh, yes, I've heard of those, Gaul girls, yes, I've heard of them.
06:22Yes, they called them camp followers.
06:25Oh, yes, comforts for the troops, yes.
06:27Singers, dancers, musicians.
06:29Oh, sic transit gloria ensa.
06:32Oh, I can't tell you the fun we had with those girls, lurk you.
06:37Here now, the wise word to plot us.
06:41It is a well-known fact that camp followers did a lot for the Roman soldiers at the front.
06:52Oh, a stranger approaches.
06:55Oh, yes.
06:57Oh, centurion, what's that?
06:59It's a proclamation.
07:01Oh, it's a proclamation.
07:03Oh, yes. Oh, let's have a look.
07:06Ooh, ooh, look, look.
07:08Ooh, no, not too close, get back.
07:10Form a queue, don't jostle.
07:12This is not a demo, look, you stay there, I'll read it out, I'll read it out.
07:16Belli declaransus.
07:18Haste circumstoria ad nauseam ad hoc.
07:22Go felter fish.
07:24Must be Friday, you see.
07:26Britannicus ad sum hic hac hoc.
07:29Hic hoc funicular semper fidelis crumpitorum.
07:36Eh? Don't know what it means.
07:38What, funicular? You know, something that goes up and down.
07:41You know, funicular, yes.
07:43Oh, crumpitorum? Well, if you're on the funicular, please yourselves.
07:48Oh, lurk you, let me see.
07:50Oh, lurk you! What, master?
07:52The Britons have risen in revolt.
07:54Oh, they've risen in revolt.
07:56Every able-bodied man is to report as soon as possible to his nearest army depot.
08:02Isn't it wonderful, lurk you?
08:04We're going to war.
08:06Oh, we're going to war? We, master?
08:09Yes, yes, of course.
08:11Every officer automatically takes his slave with him to war.
08:15But wherever did you read that, master?
08:17It's a well-known fact that Roman generals
08:20always did take their body servants with them to war.
08:23Oh, you shut your gob.
08:26Oh, master, I can't go back to Britannicus.
08:29I don't go back to Britannicus.
08:31Why not?
08:32Well, I was born there.
08:34Oh, nonsense, they'll have forgotten all about that.
08:38They're a very forgiving race, you know, lurk you.
08:41I see, oh, yes.
08:42Well, I must be off.
08:44If I'd known you'd got a line like that, you'd been off before, I tell you.
08:47Lurk you, isn't it wonderful to think that we shall be in the army again?
08:53I shall be away for one year, two perhaps, even three.
08:57Who knows, I must tell this wonderful news to my wife.
09:00Oh, yes, master. Oh, he's a silly old fool.
09:03He really is, and now he's gone,
09:05I can tell you the real reason why I can't go back to Britannicus.
09:08You see, there was this girl in the next cave, you see, to me,
09:13and she used to paint herself up most attractively,
09:16this yellow line running down the centre of her woad.
09:20And...
09:22And, you see, they had this pet mammoth, and they lost it.
09:27And she... No, listen, listen.
09:29Listen a minute, please.
09:31And she was continually coming round to my cave asking for it.
09:35She was... Listen, listen!
09:39Will you be listening, please?
09:41Now, she was... I'm telling you, she was always asking for it,
09:44and so naturally, in the end, I had to give it to her.
09:48Now, well, you see, you know, one thing leads to the other,
09:51and, of course, once you get started,
09:53it's surprising how many other things there are.
09:56Well, you just follow this yellow line down the...
09:58Anyway, the point was, her... Listen a minute.
10:01Her father came round.
10:03Her father said, you're going to marry my daughter.
10:06I said, I'm not... He said, you are.
10:08You've got to marry my daughter or I'll kill you.
10:10You see, so I fled from Britannicus,
10:12because there was no sense in me and the daughter both being in trouble.
10:15So, you see...
10:16Listen. No, listen.
10:18The thing was this, you see.
10:20That I had made up my mind definitely
10:22I would not marry before the age of 12.
10:25And I intended to...
10:27Well, that's the reason, of course, that I can't.
10:29I don't go back to Britannia, cos I must...
10:31Cos I'm a girl, you see. I mustn't go...
10:33DECU! DECU!
10:34Oh, no, this is nauseous.
10:36Now, this is the son of my master.
10:38Strange boy. Almost strange.
10:40Oh, the smell of rampant hibiscus.
10:43You see what I mean, see?
10:45Greetings, Lurkio.
10:46Greetings, master.
10:47Witherest thou away?
10:48Pardon?
10:49Witherest thou away?
10:50A bit. I think it's this cold weather.
10:55How long has it been hanging on the wall?
10:59The proclamation.
11:00Oh, yes.
11:03Oh, you've just arrived in time, master, yes?
11:05We're all going to war.
11:07Oh, no, not me, Lurkio. No, I'm a conscientious objector.
11:10Are you? I don't believe in the bloody business of war.
11:12Oh, dear, you...
11:14You never used to use language like that.
11:16No!
11:17I mean, even when that horse threw its shoe and it caught him and hit him,
11:21all he said was, shot it.
11:25As the great philosopher Sophocles said,
11:27it is better to make a lasting peace than a lasting war.
11:30Well, of course, it depends on the peace you're trying to make, you see,
11:33and how long she'll last.
11:35I mean, the...
11:36Besides, Lurkio, I cannot leave Pompeii now.
11:39Why?
11:40I've become enamoured of a girl.
11:42Become what?
11:43Enamoured.
11:44Oh, isn't he sweet?
11:46He's always getting his hammer out for someone, is he?
11:50I composed this ode for her.
11:51An ode I thought you might have done.
11:53May I read it to the assembled populace?
11:55Please. Yes.
11:57Ode to Gropia.
12:01What a pretty name.
12:03I spied this beauty quite by chance,
12:06the one I yearned to woo.
12:09She was not standing on a cloud.
12:12She was sitting...
12:17Get ready for it.
12:18She was sitting on the balcony.
12:22I'm afraid I was lost for a rhyme there.
12:24Yes, well, you'll find one at your convenience.
12:28Farewell, Lurkio.
12:30I'll high me hench.
12:31That's right, you high your hench.
12:32You won't get much for it, but still, never mind, try.
12:34Lurkio, Lurkio!
12:36Yes, master?
12:38Yes, master.
12:39You go and get packed as well.
12:41Oh, dear.
12:42Oh, I can't go back to Britannicus.
12:45There's that girl there still.
12:46Oh, dear.
12:47What does it say?
12:48All abled-bodied men to report.
12:51All abled-bodied men.
12:53All abled-bodied men?
12:55I wonder.
12:57Lurkio!
12:59Coming, master, coming.
13:03Don't be long.
13:07Remarks!
13:16You see, it didn't work.
13:30You see, I passed the medical.
13:32Yes.
13:33What luck I had.
13:34I told the doctor, I said,
13:36Doctor, I have funny turns, and it's...
13:39What do you mean?
13:41What do you mean you haven't noticed it?
13:42Listen, I said, I get dizzy spells, I said,
13:45I've got shrivelled muscles, I said,
13:47I've got dandruff, I said,
13:48I've even got fallen arches, fallen arches.
13:51Do you know what he said?
13:52So has the aqueduct outside Rome.
13:55But it still manages to pass water.
14:00You can't beat them, you see, you cannot beat them.
14:02What in the ranks there?
14:04You legionary shower.
14:08You look like a load of dropouts from Pater's army.
14:12Right, now, let's have you.
14:13By the dickster, number?
14:15I.
14:16I, I.
14:17I, I, I.
14:18I, V.
14:19V.
14:24You horrible little man.
14:28Who, me, sir?
14:29You!
14:30Ivy!
14:31Ivy!
14:36Get them shoulders back, your chest out!
14:38What are shoulders out?
14:39It's this breastplate.
14:40It goes in where I come out, it's very difficult.
14:43All these, see these armoured breastplates?
14:46Breastplates, I mean, if you notice,
14:48they follow the actual shape of the body underneath.
14:50Look, you see, look.
14:52This is an old naval uniform.
14:56It's a good job we're not wearing armoured skirts, isn't it?
15:00Think of the phone calls we'd be getting in, don't we?
15:03Right, stand by, CSO's inspection.
15:08Clothes up!
15:10Oh, that sort of inspection?
15:12Dutch attuning!
15:14Present arms!
15:18Hello, here's Charlton Aston.
15:21What a magnificent arse.
15:27Third Pompeiian foot and mouth present, ready for inspection.
15:30Sir!
15:31Thank you, sergeant.
15:37Who is this man?
15:39I, V, sir.
15:40Oh, I wish they wouldn't keep calling me that,
15:42it's a bit of a shame, isn't it?
15:44I, V.
15:45I, V.
15:46I, V.
15:47I, V.
15:48I, V.
15:49I wish they wouldn't keep calling me that,
15:51it's giving me a complex.
15:52Silence!
15:53Oh, it's me, Master.
15:55Every Roman soldier is to stay identified only by a number.
15:58Understand?
15:59Yes, Master.
16:00Don't keep calling me Master!
16:02I'm General Ludicrous.
16:04General, sir. Yes.
16:06Yes. What's wrong with your weapon?
16:07Pardon?
16:10Well, what the hell is the use of that?!
16:14Yes, it does seem pretty pointless!
16:16Don't bother.
16:18Shut up!
16:20Lakebourne, sir, after you.
16:22Thank you, Sergeant.
16:24Shut up! Shut up!
16:26Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
16:28Now, then, how did you come to lose the top off your weapon?
16:31Ah, well, listen, it... Ah, well, now, you see,
16:35the thing was, I took it to this armourer.
16:37The armourer, it was a mistake.
16:39Now, where's the mistake in that man?
16:41Well, you see, before he was called up,
16:43the armourer was a rabbi.
16:45A rabbi?
16:49Imbecile! Put this man on the charge, Sergeant.
16:52Extra guard duty.
16:54Shut up! Oh, Master.
16:56Now, General! General, you see.
16:58Isn't it marvellous how men alter
17:00as soon as they get into uniform?
17:02General, look at him, all wind and pips.
17:07Right, men, pay attention.
17:09Now, then, men,
17:11I'm happy to tell you
17:13that after only three months,
17:15the campaign in Britain is nearly over.
17:18Hooray! Yes!
17:20We've got these mangy Britons
17:22and the Queen they call Boadicea on the run.
17:25Hooray!
17:26There remains nothing now but mopping up operations.
17:30Mopping up, that'll be me again.
17:32So someone has to keep the ablutions clean, I suppose.
17:35Now, then, men,
17:37tonight you can relax,
17:39released from the horrors of war
17:41that have snatched us from the arms
17:43of our wives and our loved ones.
17:45Oh, and talking of loved ones, Sergeants,
17:47isn't it time we saw some of these camp followers?
17:50I believe there's a batch on the way, sir.
17:52Splendid.
17:54Send the prettiest one to me.
17:56Very good, sir.
17:58Now, then, men, tonight you can relax,
18:00secure in the knowledge
18:02that the walls of this encampment
18:04are impregnable
18:06and the gate well guarded.
18:08Right!
18:09Right!
18:10Now, any complaints, men?
18:12Yes, sir.
18:13Yes, sir.
18:14Well, Ivy, what's your complaint?
18:17Don't him calling me Ivy, sir.
18:19He's driving me up the wall.
18:22Carry on, Sergeants.
18:23Sure.
18:25Ivy.
18:27Yes, sir.
18:28I believe you were born in this benighted Britannicus, eh?
18:32Yes, I was sold into slavery.
18:34Yes, another British export reject, eh?
18:38Ah, dear, dear, dear, I've offended you.
18:41Oh, don't apologise, Sergeant.
18:43We Britons are used to it.
18:45They say rule Britannia, and it's true.
18:47Anybody can.
18:49Hey, Sergeant!
18:50Here come some of the camp followers.
18:52Right!
18:53Open the gates!
18:55Oh.
19:02This is it.
19:03This is the bit you've been waiting for.
19:05This is where it starts to get mucky now.
19:08Kids, get your parents to bed now.
19:10Look, will you excuse me?
19:12I must go and join them, because...
19:14Well, I'm only flesh and blood, you know.
19:16Yes, I am.
19:17I'm only flesh and blood, after all.
19:19Oh, it was a girl, though, who likes boneless men.
19:21Excuse me.
19:23Oh, it's getting really permissive.
19:26Oh, dear.
19:27There's only seven.
19:28There's one missing.
19:29Not enough to go round.
19:30Some will have to go without.
19:32Or it'll be the master.
19:34I've wasted on him, haven't I?
19:36Wasted on him.
19:37Excuse me.
19:38All right, now, break this up.
19:40Let's get organised.
19:42Well, ladies, Sergeant Jenkins at your service.
19:45You all go along with the lads to the canteen.
19:48We'll soon have you all sorted out.
19:50Thank you, sir.
19:51Not you, string bean.
19:54You stay put here.
19:56And let's see...
19:57Ah, yes, you lady, if you don't mind.
19:59Oh, is she for me?
20:00She is not.
20:01Oh.
20:02You take her to the CO.
20:03Get back to this gate on guard duty, right?
20:05Yes, Sergeant.
20:06Right.
20:07Oh, dear.
20:08Isn't it marvellous?
20:10No wonder they call me Rear Guard Ivy.
20:12Look.
20:13Well, I'm not taking her into that general's tent
20:16in that tent there without having a dabble myself.
20:19Hello.
20:20She's all covered up.
20:22I must get to the bottom of this.
20:25I'm ready, soldier.
20:27Oh, it's my mistress, Ammonia.
20:30Well, hurry up, soldier.
20:31What are you waiting for?
20:32Well, whatever it is, I'm not going to get it now, that's for sure.
20:35Lurkio!
20:36Oh, Lurkio, is it really you?
20:38Yes, mistress, and I'm flabbergasted.
20:40I really am flabbergasted.
20:41What are you doing thus, a camp follower?
20:44My ghast has never been so flabby.
20:47Well, really, Lurkio, it's the first camp I've ever followed, truly.
20:50Well, it's disgraceful, mistress.
20:51Go home from Wenchukane, please.
20:53Without giving cover to one brave Roman soldier?
20:56No, I won't have it.
20:58If you stay here, I don't see how you can avoid it.
21:01Oh, Lurkio, stop muttering and do as your sergeant said.
21:03Take me to the general.
21:05But your husband, I mean...
21:06What? My husband? He isn't here, is he?
21:08Well, he's...
21:09Oh, that's all right then, Lurkio.
21:11It's all right, don't worry, then he'll never find out.
21:13I wouldn't bank on that, mistress.
21:15Lurkio, obey orders at once or I'll have you publicly flogged.
21:19Flogged?
21:20Flogged.
21:21Oh, dear.
21:23That's the first time she ever spoke to me like that.
21:26You see, isn't it marvellous the way women change when they go abroad?
21:29They go mad on their own, don't they?
21:31It's these foreign climbs.
21:33She's got her climbing boots on already, can you see?
21:36Well, I mean, I can't take her into the tent there to have a bit of fun.
21:40I mean, listen a minute.
21:42You can't have a bit of fun with her own husband, can I?
21:44I mean, of course I can't. I mean, you can't...
21:47Eh?
21:48In a tent? With her own husband?
21:51Oh, I can't.
21:52Oh, shall I?
21:54Well, let's take a vote on it. We'll take a vote.
21:57And remember, folks, it's your vote that counts.
22:02Now, hands up, all those who think I should take her in the tent.
22:06Hands up.
22:08Yes.
22:09Up in the air, sir. Do you mind?
22:12I'm sorry, madam. There's always one. I'm so sorry.
22:16Now, all those who think I should keep her outside.
22:19Oh, all right, then.
22:21You've all voted inside.
22:2312 million to three. All right.
22:26Mistress, I'll go inside now and see if the general's ready for it.
22:29Ready for you, I mean.
22:31Yes. Yes, master. Excuse me.
22:34Where is he? Oh, lurk you.
22:37I wish you'd knock before you come in.
22:39Knock on a tent?
22:42Now that you're here, what is it?
22:44Well, master, your camp follower waits without.
22:47What? And I wait without within?
22:50Yes, master.
22:51Well, don't stand there chuntering, lurk you.
22:54Bring her in, bring, bring.
22:56Master, could I make a suggestion?
22:58Look, before I bring her in, could I suggest that you douse the lights?
23:02Ah, well, then the place will be pitch black in here.
23:05Precisely. But the thing is, you see, she's very shy, you see.
23:09And she's a high-born lady.
23:11Oh, high-born.
23:12Yes, her mother was up Vesuvius at the time.
23:15Oh, well, leave it to me, lurk you. I'm nothing if not a gentleman.
23:20I've always said that you're nothing, sir.
23:22And the thing is, look, could I suggest that you don't talk to her?
23:25Don't ask her any awkward questions.
23:27Oh, don't worry, lurk you.
23:29Mum's the word, all right?
23:32Yes. Now, right you are, sir, yes.
23:36Oh, lurk you, I'm glad she's a lady. I appreciate class.
23:41Yes, well, I promise you, master, you're going to learn a lot in this class.
23:48Mistress.
23:49Oh, is he ready for me, lurk you?
23:51Mistress, look, may I be suggestive?
23:53I mean, could I suggest that, look, he's a very strong, silent type.
23:58You understand what I mean?
24:00He's a military man, a man of action, a military man, you see.
24:03No talking after lights out.
24:05Oh, how absolutely wonderful.
24:07Oh, no, lurk you, I promise I won't say one word.
24:10I'm sure it'll be better that way.
24:12Well, it may not be better, but it might last a little longer.
24:15So, you come this way, mistress.
24:18Mind you don't trip, yes. Mind the foliage, yes.
24:21Good luck.
24:23Oh, dear, I'm a little devil, aren't I?
24:26Well, this is better than the Odysseus and the Sirens, isn't it?
24:31Well, it is, isn't it?
24:32Well, it's all you're going to get, so you may as well eat the best of it.
24:35Now, listen, imagine their faces, imagine their faces when they find out who's who and what's what.
24:40Hey, you in there, Roman.
24:42Someone outside the gate.
24:43Hey, Roman, come here.
24:45Eh?
24:46Will you come here a minute?
24:48There's a foreigner.
24:51There's a fugitive from Coronation Stratus.
24:57Er, just a second. Wait a minute, a minute. I've got a book here. Let's see.
25:00There we are.
25:01Halt! Who goes there?
25:03We are halting.
25:05Oh. Well, who goes there, then?
25:08Well, if we're halting, we can't very well go anywhere, can we?
25:11So much for the book.
25:13All right, what do you want?
25:15We're two poor defeated Britons, and we've brought you a present from our queen, Bodicea.
25:20Oh, a present from Bodicea? How nice. Well, shove it through the letterbox.
25:23I can't. It's too big.
25:25Oh, they are boastful, these Britons.
25:30I'll open the door. Here's the shutters. Come in. There we are.
25:34There we are. Bring it in.
25:36Isn't that worse?
25:39Right.
25:44I'll have it over there. That's right. There's a vacant lot.
25:47Yes.
25:49There you are, Roman. There's your prezzie.
25:51It's just what we wanted. What is it?
25:54Well, surely you've heard of the Trojan horse?
25:56The Trojan horse? Yes. Well, this is a Jersey and cow.
26:01I thought it was something or other.
26:03Come on, don't doze off.
26:06Oh, please yourselves.
26:08Excuse me. Yes? We must go now.
26:11We have to get back to Salisbury.
26:13Oh, haven't you got a hairy bra? Look at that.
26:16Never mind. Well, it's very nice to have met you.
26:18Ta. Yes, pleasure. Go back to Salisbury.
26:20Yes. Oh, what's... How is Salisbury?
26:22Divine. Absolutely divine.
26:24Oh! Another camp follower here, I think.
26:28How is that temple they're building there getting on?
26:30Stonehenge? Yes. Well, it's been a great disappointment.
26:33Has it? Oh. It's terribly, terribly damp.
26:35Oh. You see, I told them before they must put a roof on it.
26:38It's so silly. It's bound to get damp.
26:40It's these modern buildings, you see.
26:42Well, bye-bye. Ooh! Wait a minute.
26:44You dropped your handbag.
26:46Ta. Oh, dear.
26:48Bye-bye. Ooh!
26:50Oh, definitely. Definitely.
26:53I expect... I suspect it all through the rehearsals, definitely.
26:58Right, I'll just... I'll just shutter the gate here a minute.
27:01That's it. Shall I keep you long?
27:03There we are. Well, there we are.
27:05What a funny prezzie, isn't it? What a funny prezzie.
27:08I wonder what it's for.
27:10It's a well-known fact that the British hold a weird
27:13and incomprehensible festival called Cow's Week.
27:16Cow's Week.
27:30What's going on in there?
27:32Why no screams? They must have found out by now.
27:35I can't understand this.
27:37Lurk you. Lurk you.
27:39Oh, mistress. Oh, I'm very sorry.
27:41It was a dirty trick I played on you.
27:43Oh, lurk you. What a man. Such vigour.
27:46Such what? Such vigour.
27:48He must have been eating the donkey's oats.
27:53Oh, I have never known his like.
27:56Oh, well, I think you have, mistress, actually, yes.
27:59Oh, no, lurk you. Now I can return home to Pompeii.
28:02Yes, mistress. This is an experience I shall treasure all my life.
28:06Oh, lurk you. Thank you.
28:08Lurk you. Lurk you.
28:10Has she gone? Yes, master.
28:12Master, I've been a very naughty slave.
28:14Oh, lurk you. I'm eternally in your debt.
28:17Well, didn't you know who she was?
28:19No. She was marvelous.
28:22Well, I know they're all alike in the dark,
28:24but this is ridiculous.
28:26Oh, lurk you. What is this?
28:29That's a prezzi, sir, from Queen Bauducere in the Britons.
28:32A prezzi? What is it? Eh? What is it?
28:35It's a jersey moo, you see.
28:37A jersey moo? Yes.
28:39Well, why has it got a door in its side?
28:42Well, I suppose that's so it can leave its milk outside, you see.
28:46Oh, no!
28:48What's happened?
28:49Lurk you, lurk you, we are surprised.
28:51Ah!
28:55This is exciting, isn't it?
28:57Wait a minute. This is exciting, isn't it?
28:59Isn't this exciting? Wait a minute.
29:01Wait a minute. I'm talking.
29:03Now, this is exciting. We've been rehearsing this for weeks.
29:06Might as well know better now.
29:08Here we are.
29:10Wait a minute. What are you doing, Master?
29:12I'm surrendering. Oh, well, I might as well as well.
29:15SCREAMING
29:21Now, who is your commanding officer?
29:23The General, sir. I am.
29:25What do you propose to do with us?
29:27As soon as our Queen arrives...
29:29I thought your Queen already arrived.
29:32As soon as Queen Bauducere arrives, you'll be publicly beheaded.
29:37Queen Bauducere has arrived.
29:39Oh! I didn't know she played the trumpet.
29:43Kneel down and prepare for the sword.
29:45Oh, no, don't. Please, don't.
29:47Kneel down, you're going to be publicly beheaded.
29:49Oh, not now. Beheaded? Yes.
29:51What, a head? Oh, no!
29:53Oh, please, beheaded.
29:56What are you waiting for?
29:58You don't think you're going to see it actually being done, do you?
30:02This is not a cultural programme.
30:04Now, to Pompeii, be off.
30:08Oh, all these months away and still no word from my husband.
30:12I fear I shall never see him again.
30:16Only a few hours to go now.
30:19I told you it would be all right once we crossed the Alps.
30:24Oh, look, you're once back in Sivia Strata.
30:29Can it be? Dearest one!
30:33My beloved wife!
30:35All these months I thought of but one thing.
30:38Oh, then come inside, dearest, and you shall have it.
30:45Oh, we did Mrs Sunday's supplement.
30:49Because I know what you're wondering.
30:51You're wondering how he escaped being beheaded, aren't you?
30:53Well, no, you won't believe this. You won't believe this.
30:55You see, I had to laugh myself, and I'm in it.
30:59But, you see, listen.
31:02No, listen.
31:04This woman, Bodicea, the Queen Bodicea, turned out to be my old girlfriend.
31:08You know, from the next cave. Yes!
31:10And, of course, for old time's sake, she let us off.
31:12She forgave us.
31:13And even she...
31:14She was very kind, because she even gave me a souvenir to bring home.
31:18The Jersey and Moo. Wasn't that sweet of her?
31:20Yes. All right, love, you can come out now.
31:24Ah, there we are. Isn't she sweet?
31:27What a dear little calf, isn't it?
31:30Yes.
31:31So much like her mother.
31:35Salute!