Taskmaster NZ S05 E04
Taskmaster NZ S05 E04
Taskmaster NZ S05 E05 >>> https://dai.ly/x94b41y
Taskmaster NZ S05 E05 >>> https://dai.ly/x94b41y
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TVTranscript
00:00Hello.
00:01And...
00:02Two!
00:03Come on!
00:04Woohoo!
00:05That's for the haters.
00:06Come here, come here.
00:07Take a little tea.
00:08Oh!
00:09Yeah!
00:10Hehehehe.
00:11G'day, Koko Kartour, and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39My name is Jeremy Wells, and it has taken years for me to reach the incredible status
00:45I have today.
00:47I joined the television industry as a task officer, before working my way up to task
00:53lieutenant, then task commander, and task rear admiral, until five years ago, when I
01:01was promoted to the highest rank in New Zealand television.
01:06That's right, I am now the Taskmaster.
01:12Tonight, I will sit in a chair that Caligula would describe as tasteful and understated,
01:19and watch as five comedians perform a series of ridiculous tasks, all in the hopes of winning
01:27this.
01:28A magnificent golden trophy that took three hours to make, and my head was covered in
01:36goo the whole time, and let me be the first to tell you, it was not worth it, competing
01:42for this trophy.
01:44Please welcome, Abbey Howells, Ben Hurley, Hayley Sproul, and Tom Sainsbury, and in lieu
01:58of Te Whinga Whipuli'a'i tonight, back again, it's your friend and my colleague, Matt Heath.
02:08And beside me, as always, is my assistant.
02:11He has the gentle energy of someone who has either never been in a violent situation,
02:17or has otherwise committed dozens of murders.
02:21Please put your hands together for Paul Williams.
02:25Jeremy, I was wondering if, before we get started, you could sign my petition.
02:32What's a petition for?
02:34You know when you go to like a sit-down restaurant, and you get a burger?
02:37The burger's too tall.
02:40Like I can't fit it in my mouth, I'm sorry, but if you have to stick a knife down through
02:44it to keep it together, that burger is too tall.
02:47Okay, so you want me to sign something?
02:51Just on that, please.
02:52It's a blank piece of paper.
02:53Okay, you've got me.
02:55I wanted your autograph for my niece.
02:59If you could make it out to her, her name is Paul Williams.
03:09Is that what you want?
03:10Yes, please.
03:11God help me.
03:17Okay, what's our prize task tonight, Paul?
03:22Tonight, we've asked our contestants to bring in the best thing that makes you go,
03:28hmm, I don't know about that.
03:32So let's start with Matt.
03:34You are in here as a surrogate for Tofinga.
03:37What have you brought in?
03:38Well, it's something that I've dipped into a couple of times, but it's still quite a
03:42big mystery to me, but it's the woman's reproductive system.
03:46Wow.
03:51You've only got two children?
03:52Yeah, but I can't see in there when that's happening, if you know what I mean.
03:56Tom, do you reckon you can better that?
03:59Look, I found mine at a market, and I thought, hmm, I don't know about that.
04:03I've named her...
04:04Aww.
04:06I've named her Abbey Haley.
04:08Oh, thank you.
04:09Lovely name.
04:10And you might not realise that, but if you peel up her skirts,
04:14you'll find a toilet roll in there.
04:16Wow.
04:17Tom, you can't confuse Matt like this.
04:19Like, pull up the woman's skirt and there's a toilet roll in there?
04:22Yeah, I know.
04:23Because he already doesn't know.
04:25Is that normal?
04:27Sometimes.
04:33So what is the practical reason for it?
04:35Because are you just keeping your toilet roll warm?
04:39I think it was an idea that seeing a toilet roll was somehow revolting.
04:43It was unseemly.
04:44It was unseemly.
04:45Unsightly.
04:46So that's way more unsightly, though, isn't it?
04:49Abbey.
04:50Yes?
04:51What's something that you went, hmm, I don't know about that?
04:54Well, I brought in my friend Eric.
04:59And I'm actually here to advocate for him,
05:02because initially he'd be like, oh, I don't know about that,
05:05that's a ventriloquist dummy with a dirty Phantom of the Opera mask on it.
05:11So Eric was actually in my first ever solo stand-up show I did,
05:15and we travelled all over the world together.
05:17Can you do Eric's voice for us?
05:19He was like, hello, Abbey.
05:22I love women's comedy, I support you so much.
05:27Ben?
05:28So I get motion sickness, I get car sickness,
05:31which I think we can all agree is both sexy and cool.
05:34Yeah.
05:35So I went on the internet to try and find a cure,
05:39because I'd tried everything.
05:41Oh, no.
05:42And I purchased these glasses that you put on.
05:49And they have liquid in them so that you have an equilibrium at all times.
05:54And do they work?
05:56Hmm, I don't know about that.
06:02Hayley, what did you bring in?
06:04I've actually brought in this cuck chair.
06:10Now, the winner of tonight's show doesn't get this chair,
06:13but what they do get is to come over to my house,
06:16they can sit in that chair,
06:18and then either myself or my partner Aaron will make love
06:21to either someone who wins it or their partner or spouse.
06:25Hmm, tell me more.
06:29What a prize that would be.
06:31Cheapest.
06:32And so we get to see all of these things?
06:34To be honest, it's actually open to anyone and everyone watching.
06:37They can come over and sit in my cuck chair.
06:39Yourself included, Jeremy.
06:40And while there's a lot of motion going on, these have come in handy.
06:43So I'm going to have to score this.
06:46The Abbey Hayley, my grandmother actually had one of those,
06:49so I'm quite familiar with them.
06:51So I'm going to give you one point for that,
06:53because I've seen a lot of those.
06:55Matt, very familiar with the female reproductive system.
06:57Myself, two points there.
07:01Not only the master of tasks.
07:05Three points for Ben's motion sickness glasses.
07:09Four points only just for that horrific ventriloquist dummy.
07:13He's an ally, Jeremy.
07:16And five points for you, Hayley.
07:23So what is our first proper task, Paul?
07:26It's time to bring some order to the chaos.
07:35Hello, Te Whanga.
07:37Hello, Paul.
07:38Hello.
07:39Hello, Abbey.
07:40Hello, Ben.
07:41Hi.
07:42This looks exciting.
07:43What a strange collection of goods.
07:46Space these objects out in the right order.
07:49Fastest and most accurate object order wins.
07:53You have ten minutes.
07:55Your time starts now.
07:59The right order for what?
08:01Is this one object?
08:03Mm-hmm.
08:04OK.
08:08All right, let's get on to it.
08:09Who's ordering are we going to see first?
08:11Up first, it's Ben Hayley and Hurley Sproul.
08:15In the right order.
08:17Just got anything useful in here?
08:19Anna.
08:20Anna.
08:21Anna.
08:22Those are mine.
08:23Yeah.
08:24Property of Paul.
08:25Bit odd.
08:26That's a chocolate bar.
08:27That's a fork.
08:28That's a temperature.
08:29A satin handkerchief.
08:31Venus flytrap.
08:32A plate of soil.
08:33And a shoe with some pita bread.
08:35These don't make a great deal of sense to me.
08:37I'm just going to put it in alphabetical order.
08:39T.U.V.
08:40Paul's pervert folder.
08:42P.
08:43There we go.
08:44It's not correct.
08:45It's not correct.
08:46Is it the story of man?
08:47The sun started it all, didn't it?
08:49And that's sort of a temperature there.
08:51So you've walked to get some bread,
08:53and you've eaten the bread, and that's your dessert.
08:55Boom!
08:56Earth sprung life,
08:59and then we sort of evolved from life to man.
09:03Then man was like,
09:05whoa, bloody hungry.
09:08So he learnt how to eat.
09:10And then on the way home, you see a nice Venus flytrap.
09:13Then it's its story of how it eats.
09:16Oh, OK, so that's kind of setting up the sequel.
09:18Yeah, the sequel, yeah.
09:19Got you.
09:20Well, it's not that.
09:21This one, bless you.
09:25Are you allergic to the plants, maybe?
09:27Bullshit.
09:28What?
09:29Sorry, sorry.
09:32Maybe it's just size.
09:35Yep.
09:36No, sorry.
09:37Oh, not again.
09:38Is that the order?
09:39That's not the order.
09:40Is that the order?
09:41That's not the order.
09:42Is that the order?
09:43That's not the order.
09:48It's hard to tell what the order is there.
09:50Do you know what?
09:51I give up.
09:52I'm just going to enjoy myself for 20 seconds.
09:55You've got one minute and seven seconds.
09:57Yeah.
09:58Did you put that in the dirt?
10:01Yeah.
10:03All right.
10:04Thank you, Ben.
10:05All right.
10:10OK, Paul, well, before we go on,
10:12I think we probably need to address your swearing,
10:14your rudeness towards Hayley.
10:16Would you like to apologise to Hayley for that?
10:18I'm sorry, Hayley.
10:20I will say, I knew that as soon as she agreed to come on the show
10:24that I was going to have allergy flare-ups.
10:28Because I am legit allergic to her bullshit.
10:33I'm still bamboozled by that, by the way.
10:35I have no idea.
10:36Do you know what?
10:37I don't want any points.
10:38That task was dumb.
10:40All right, stop everything.
10:42It's time to go to an ad break and sell some stuff.
10:44Why not entertain yourself by putting all the products in order
10:48from most to least evil?
10:51We'll see you soon.
11:03Kia ora koutou and welcome back to Taskmaster.
11:06Before the break, we were watching comedians attempt
11:08to put eight objects in a specific order
11:11because it's season five and we're running out of ideas.
11:17Who's up next, Paul?
11:18Let me put the sentence in alphabetical order.
11:21Abbey and Howells, it's Sainsbury Tom.
11:27Anna Nicole.
11:28Anna Paquin.
11:29Anna, Anna, um...
11:32Annas. These are all Annas.
11:34They're mine.
11:35I love my Annas.
11:37No, they're not your Annas.
11:39They were your Annas.
11:41My apologies.
11:42Peter shoe, Peter pan, Peter...
11:44Oh, and there's a foot in the space basket.
11:48Pluto.
11:49You don't need to put that in.
11:50I don't need to?
11:51No, that's just rubbish.
11:52That's nothing.
11:53OK.
11:54Sainsbury brain, don't fail me now.
11:58Pluto.
11:59So, Snickers.
12:00Was that a Mars?
12:01Can I just check?
12:02Is it a Mars?
12:03I'm not familiar with these.
12:04It's a Mars.
12:08They're the planets.
12:10Pluto's not a planet anymore.
12:13Venus.
12:14OK, I've got it.
12:15F***ing autism rules.
12:17Panel recognition.
12:21My man.
12:22OK.
12:23Mercury.
12:24Venus.
12:26Earth.
12:27We've got Mars and we've got Venus.
12:29Mars.
12:31Jupiter.
12:32Jupiter.
12:33Shoe-pitter.
12:36Saturn.
12:37This is Saturn.
12:40Neptune.
12:41Neptune.
12:42It's like a tuning fork.
12:43It's Neptune.
12:44It's his trident.
12:46Uranus.
12:48Uranus.
12:52Stop the clock.
12:53Mercury.
12:54Venus.
12:55Earth.
12:56Mars.
12:57Jupiter.
12:58Saturn.
12:59Uranus.
13:00Neptune.
13:01Pluto.
13:02I feel alive.
13:03I feel electric.
13:05Well, first off, Abbey, congratulations on the autism.
13:09Thank you so much.
13:11It's an honour and a privilege.
13:13That was really good.
13:14This all makes me think maybe I need to get tested.
13:19That was the test.
13:22Congratulations, you're in the club.
13:24Oh my God.
13:25Yay!
13:26Don't look me in the eyes.
13:30I'm going to be honest with you.
13:33How did watching that make you guys feel?
13:38Just real dumb.
13:42Yeah, pretty dumb.
13:43On the bright side, I don't have to wear headphones at concerts.
13:53I went to a concert and I did wear some headphones.
13:58And I remember thinking, Abbey, everyone thinks I look real cool.
14:03OK, by my calculations, we've still got one comedian left, Paul.
14:08Correct, Jeremy.
14:09And even if you're terrible at putting things in order,
14:11I'm sure you can probably guess who's coming up next.
14:14It's Taufinga.
14:17What's her name again?
14:18Anna Paquin.
14:20Why have you got all these pictures of her?
14:22Those are my Annas.
14:24Your Annas?
14:25Yeah.
14:28OK.
14:29What sort of plant is this?
14:30It's a Venus flytrap.
14:31A what?
14:32Venus flytrap.
14:33A Venus flytrap?
14:35It traps flies.
14:37Just flies?
14:38Why are you asking?
14:40I was wondering if you wanted a trap, Anna Paquin.
14:43A fork.
14:44Oh.
14:45Now I know why the fork's there.
14:47Why?
14:48Because I'm wondering what the fork this is all about now.
14:51Are you enjoying this one?
14:53It's probably my favourite task of all time.
14:56I just wish I had my family here.
14:58Just the one to sit.
14:59You've got four minutes and 22 seconds.
15:01Thank you, Paul.
15:02It's really helping me.
15:04It's OK.
15:09I hope you think.
15:10It does still need to be in the order, though.
15:12Oh, yeah.
15:13I'll leave a little bit.
15:15I just have to get the order right.
15:16It doesn't have to explain what it's supposed to mean, eh?
15:19Yeah.
15:21That is not the correct order.
15:24That's not right.
15:26It's not right, but you're not that far off.
15:29Not that far off.
15:33It's quite a stink task.
15:35OK.
15:36There's ten minutes I can't get back from my life, Paul.
15:38I could have spent that with my kids.
15:40Doing their maths homework.
15:42Telling them a story before they go to bed.
15:44But you ask me, come here, do this.
15:49Thanks, Paul.
15:50Thank you, Tufenga.
15:54OK, Paul.
15:56Would you like to publicly apologise to Tufenga
15:59for taking him away from his kids?
16:02Sorry, Tufenga.
16:04That's a heartfelt apology.
16:06Yeah.
16:11Sorry.
16:12Having a flare-up.
16:16Matt, would you like to explain whether or not
16:19you thought Tufenga was being sarcastic
16:21when he said that he...
16:23No, no, he wasn't.
16:25And we at Team Tufenga, we don't approve of that task.
16:28I don't think we even want to be part of that order.
16:31I don't approve of it.
16:33We approve.
16:34We actually might just boycott that.
16:36And I think we're a majority now,
16:38so I reckon that task gets stricken from the record.
16:41I mean, I think, luckily, you aren't a part of it
16:44because you get no points at all.
16:46So I think that's fine.
16:47No, but you're not giving us no points.
16:49We're not taking the points.
16:51We don't want your points.
16:52We don't want your points.
16:53Oh, so if I gave you points, you wouldn't take them?
16:56Well, how many are you offering?
17:00How are we going to divvy up the points?
17:02Well, so it was timed.
17:04Tom and Abby, the only two to successfully order the items.
17:08Tom in 8 minutes and 54 seconds.
17:11Abby in 4 minutes and 10 seconds.
17:13Oh!
17:16That's impressive.
17:19So how would you like to score it?
17:21Probably a 4 and a 5.
17:23So 4 for Tom and 5 points for Abby Howells.
17:28It's only fair.
17:29OK, so where does that leave the episode score so far, Paul?
17:33Out in first with 9 points, Abby Howells.
17:40All right, Paul, these tasks are just like a potato snack
17:43that I'm not allowed to name.
17:45I have popped and I cannot stop.
17:47Give me another one, please.
17:48It's another team task
17:50and it's time for a good old-fashioned boxing match.
18:05Oh, wow. OK.
18:07Hey, Paul.
18:08Oh, my God, this is exciting.
18:10Kia ora, Paulie. Kia ora.
18:13OK, build the tallest skyscraper out of the boxes
18:16without leaving your designated areas.
18:19One person will build, the other two will supply boxes.
18:23The supplier may request a box by asking Paul for it by number.
18:28That supplier must do an impression...
18:30..of the person written on the box.
18:33If the builder guesses the impression correctly...
18:36..the supplier may supply it.
18:38..the builder may not request a new box...
18:41..until the last impression has been guessed.
18:44If you cheat, Paul will knock over your skyscraper
18:47and you must start again.
18:49Tallest skyscraper wins.
18:51You have one minute to discuss your roles
18:53and 15 minutes to build.
18:55Your time starts now.
18:56I reckon you be the impressionist.
18:58And you be the builder?
18:59You want me to be the builder?
19:00Yeah, you go builder.
19:01I'm confident to be in here.
19:02Yeah, I trust you.
19:04OK, and we'll do the impression.
19:05Yeah. Oh, boy.
19:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:10How quick was Ben Hurley to say,
19:13right, Hayley, you do the acting and I'm going to do the building.
19:16Building's for boys, acting's for girls.
19:18No, Hayley spent $38,000 on an acting degree
19:21that she's never used.
19:24All right, who's first?
19:26It's the team of three.
19:28Suppliers, ready?
19:29We're ready.
19:30Builder, ready?
19:31Ready.
19:32WHISTLE BLOWS
19:33Let's go for number 29.
19:37Made a beautiful house out of gingerbread.
19:40Oh, the witch from Hansel and Gretel.
19:42Yes!
19:43We got it.
19:44Go, go, go, go.
19:45OK, let's go for number 45.
19:47WHISTLE BLOWS
19:48I'm a bit of a star man, you might say.
19:51Oh, David Bowie.
19:52Yeah!
19:53Yeah!
19:54You do one.
19:55WHISTLE BLOWS
19:57I'm Norman Bates.
19:58WHISTLE BLOWS
19:59I'm hit...
20:00WHISTLE BLOWS
20:01Oh, his mother, mother...
20:02No.
20:03WHISTLE BLOWS
20:04LAUGHTER
20:05You're holding a knife.
20:06From...
20:07Psycho.
20:08Yeah!
20:09A knife from Psycho.
20:10Yeah!
20:11That's not a character!
20:12Let's go for 53.
20:14WHISTLE BLOWS
20:15Marilyn Monroe.
20:16I'm chocolate.
20:17I melt in the mouth, not in the hand.
20:20You're the green M&M.
20:21Yeah!
20:22Correct.
20:23You go for it.
20:24Number four.
20:25I don't even know who this is.
20:27Should we just say his name so we can go on to the next one?
20:29Yeah.
20:30Ernest Rutherford.
20:31BUZZER
20:33Oh, no!
20:34Oh, no!
20:35I'm so sorry.
20:3614.
20:37Yes.
20:38Please be easy.
20:41Oh, I really love doing magic.
20:43Harry Potter's...
20:44He acts as...
20:45Oh, Daniel Radcliffe?
20:46Different character.
20:47Oh, it's a different character.
20:49Oh, gosh.
20:50I didn't even watch Harry Potter.
20:51I'm sitting on my...
20:53Chair?
20:54Seat?
20:55Ass.
20:56Not the top, but the...
20:58Bottom.
20:59Neville Longbottom.
21:00Yeah!
21:01Number six.
21:03I'm American, and I love to fly jet planes in the army.
21:08Tom Cruise?
21:09Yeah!
21:10Wait.
21:11Tom Cruise and Top Gun?
21:12Yeah!
21:13Correct.
21:14Can we have number 10, please?
21:15That's hard.
21:16Yeah.
21:17Apparel Paris Hilton?
21:18Yes!
21:21Number nine.
21:25Many millions of years ago.
21:27Yes, this is good.
21:29You're a dinosaur?
21:30Yep.
21:31Are you a species of dinosaur?
21:32Yeah.
21:33Or is it a reptile?
21:34Yes, yes, yes, that's right.
21:35Correct.
21:36One minute left.
21:37I've only told them to blow the bloody doors off.
21:39Five seconds.
21:40Oh, sons of a tangerine.
21:42Oh, oh, gross.
21:44What have you done?
21:45Three.
21:46Oh!
21:47Two.
21:48Dammit.
21:49Chuck.
21:55Oh, Tom.
21:56Tom, you had to just chuck another box on there at the end,
21:59didn't you?
22:00I know.
22:01We did.
22:02I don't know if you noticed in the tiles,
22:03whenever I would get someone,
22:04it would be like Michael Caine or someone easy,
22:06and Torfinger was getting, like, the knife from Psycho.
22:10And Ernest Rubin.
22:11Once again, Team Torfinger's doing all the hard work.
22:13Yeah.
22:14Yeah, but did you like Torfinger's strategy,
22:16which was if Tom couldn't guess it,
22:18he'd just continue doing the same thing.
22:20It worked.
22:21And it worked.
22:22It worked.
22:23Should we see other team,
22:24or should I tell you how tall their tile was?
22:25I think you should tell us how tall their tile was.
22:2878 centimetres.
22:29Not bad.
22:30That's hard to beat.
22:31That's pathetic.
22:33All right, stop everything.
22:35Let's do your best impression of a good consumer,
22:37and watch these ads.
22:39We'll see you straight after the break.
22:52Nau mai, hoki mai.
22:53Welcome back to Taskmaster.
22:55Who have we got next, Paul?
22:57We're going to see the acting skills of a drama school graduate,
23:00and the building skills of a Ben Hurley.
23:03It's Hayley and Ben.
23:067, 24, or 50?
23:077, let's go 7.
23:087.
23:10OK.
23:15Psycho, knife.
23:16Alfred Hitchcock.
23:17What is the thing that's in my hand?
23:19It's a knife.
23:20From?
23:21Psycho.
23:22The knife from Psycho?
23:23Was it?
23:24Oh, right, so it's not just people.
23:25OK.
23:26Ooh.
23:28Merry Christmas.
23:30Oh, Ebenezer Scrooge.
23:32Ooh.
23:33You're the ghost of Christmas past.
23:34Not the past.
23:35You're a ghost of Christmas future.
23:37Yeah.
23:41Oh, hello, everybody.
23:43Queen Elizabeth II.
23:44Or?
23:45Queen Elizabeth I.
23:48We are brothers, and we learned to fly the first.
23:53Oh, the Wright brothers.
23:54Which one?
23:56I'm good at history.
23:57Why is everybody taking so long?
24:00Please.
24:01Don't take my, don't make me choose!
24:04Meryl Streep.
24:06I'm an American actress.
24:08You are, um, you're a Jerry Maguire?
24:11Yes.
24:12Yes.
24:13I play a British journalist.
24:14I got big, and then I get skinny.
24:16You're Bridget Jones, and you're in the one about the Civil War.
24:18Yeah.
24:19And what is your name?
24:20I look like I've sucked on a lemon.
24:21Yeah, yeah, I know exactly who you mean.
24:23I can't think of a name.
24:25Renee Zellweger.
24:27Oh, man.
24:28Come on, come on.
24:29Okay, pick a number.
24:30Come on, come on.
24:31No, no, no, bottom one, the bottom one.
24:32Is wind not allowed?
24:33The bottom one.
24:34Wind is not allowed.
24:35Oh, God.
24:36Oh, God.
24:38What is happening?
24:39Right, what's the deal with, like, crazy people these days?
24:43Isha Carson.
24:46Yes!
24:47Look at how the eagle flies.
24:50David Attenborough.
24:51Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
24:53Dame Julie Andrews.
24:54Real famous, little chocolate buttons.
24:56You're a green M&M.
24:57I'm going to write a play thou doth not know.
25:00William Shakespeare.
25:02Elvis Presley.
25:03Here you go.
25:0420 seconds.
25:05Yes!
25:08You're so good.
25:09You're so good.
25:10That was really good.
25:11You're so good.
25:17Such positive affirmation in your team.
25:21It's not often I say this, Hayley, but that drama degree really came in handy.
25:25That is $38,000 before your very eyes, Jeremy.
25:30Congratulations on knowing the Wright brothers' name.
25:33I mean, that was good.
25:35Orville and Wilbur.
25:36Wilbur.
25:37Yeah.
25:38That was good.
25:39Hey.
25:40But you could tell I was doing Orville.
25:42Yeah, totally.
25:43The performance gave Orville.
25:44I was like, I know Wilbur, my Wilbur sits more back here, like this.
25:48Orville's more front leading, like that.
25:51How high was Hayley and Ben's tower?
25:55The height to beat was 78 centimetres.
25:58Theirs was 287 centimetres.
26:05So in terms of scoring, five points presumably for the team of two.
26:08How many for the team of three?
26:10Oh, that's a good question.
26:11Tom, Abbey and Tofinga should get two.
26:14Two points.
26:15I think that's fair.
26:16Yeah, that is fair.
26:18And you know what?
26:19I'm going to take part in this task as opposed to the other one.
26:22Oh, was that not clear?
26:23I've opted back in as well.
26:24Yeah, back in.
26:25Yeah.
26:26Right, time for another task.
26:27Paul, what have you got in store for us?
26:28Get your backpacks off and get your books out.
26:31School is in session.
26:43Hello, Ben.
26:44Hi, Paul.
26:45Hello, Paul.
26:46Hello, Abbey.
26:47Hello, Hayley.
26:48Hi.
26:49Hi, Paul.
26:52My favourite.
26:53What's your favourite?
26:54Apples.
26:55Apple.
26:57Oh, were you saying hey Paul or apple?
26:59It's hey Paul or apple.
27:01Oh, OK.
27:02Apple.
27:03Hello.
27:06All right, what are we in for now?
27:09Teach Paul a lesson.
27:11This lesson wins.
27:13You have 30 minutes.
27:15Your time starts, as always, now.
27:24Seems pretty simple.
27:25Teach Paul a lesson.
27:27We all know Paul doesn't really know that much,
27:29so it's not hard, surely.
27:32OK.
27:33For first period, we've got Mr Hurley and Mr Sainsbury.
27:40What if I taught you every New Zealand Prime Minister
27:42since 1935 in order?
27:44That would be pretty good.
27:45What ones can you name?
27:47Bill English.
27:48Good.
27:49Obviously.
27:50Obviously.
27:51I'm wondering if I can do the scattergun effect,
27:52if I try and teach you many lessons.
27:54Like quantity over quality.
27:56Because I'm a cool teacher, I'm going to sit in my chair like this.
28:02Very cool.
28:03First up, we've got biology.
28:05Did you know that seagulls, to every eight male chicks that are hatched,
28:08ten female chicks are hatched?
28:10And 14% of seagulls are exclusively lesbian.
28:13Did you know that?
28:14No.
28:15Michael Joseph Savage becomes the first Labour Prime Minister.
28:18Peter Fraser, now he was our wartime Prime Minister,
28:22and we had Mike Moore.
28:25Do you like using a megaphone, or do you like using a Mike Moore?
28:32When it is the verb, you stress the second syllable.
28:35When it is the noun, you stress the first syllable.
28:38Here's an object, but I object.
28:42We had chippy hippy.
28:43That's what I'm going to call him,
28:45because I think that adds some fun to the lesson.
28:47So when I'm handing you a gift, it is a...
28:49Present.
28:50No.
28:51It's a...
28:52Present.
28:53Sorry, I thought you were presenting me.
28:55Oh, sorry.
28:56With a gift.
28:57You get it.
28:58There's English.
28:59There's probably not a great mnemonic here, is there?
29:01Mary Poppins said...
29:02Mary Poppins said...
29:03Wait, children.
29:04Wait, children.
29:05Wait, children.
29:06Jumping never works.
29:08It would also maybe help if you came up with a story
29:10that sort of involved their names.
29:12I mean, that's how I remember it.
29:14What's your story?
29:15Well, just the story of New Zealand history.
29:17Oh, OK.
29:18They're like, Christ has risen again.
29:21And Thomas is like, I don't believe that.
29:24And then from then on, he was known as Thomas the Doubter.
29:27Oh, wow.
29:28I know.
29:29OK, that's your religious instruction.
29:30What else am I missing?
29:31Mary.
29:32Mary.
29:33Poppins said, wait, children, spelt with a K.
29:37Jumping never works.
29:40History.
29:41OK.
29:42Do you know the most common female name in the 1950s?
29:45Anne.
29:46Close.
29:47Anna.
29:48It wasn't close.
29:49Oh.
29:50It begins with N.
29:51Mary.
29:52Mary.
29:53Do you know what the least common name was in the 1950s?
29:55Adolph?
29:59We still don't need any Adolphs.
30:00No.
30:01Jumping, Jax, Hate, Jumping, Bill English,
30:06Jacinda Ardern, Chris Hapkins, Chris Luxon.
30:12Well done.
30:18Some important lessons learnt there.
30:20So Ben taught you the New Zealand Prime Ministers from the Second World War.
30:25Correct.
30:26Can you list them in order now?
30:28Hey, hey.
30:29The task is not teach Paul a lesson and have him retain it for three months.
30:34That's true.
30:35Tom.
30:36Yes.
30:37You were teaching a different type of curriculum.
30:40I did everything.
30:41Something else about seagulls is that they lived to...
30:46I'm feeling like I'm more and more Abbey Howells at every moment.
30:50They lived...
30:51Like there was a species of seagulls that lived to...
30:54They lived...
30:55Like there was a species of seagulls that lived to 45.
30:57So you might be walking around with a seagull that's like,
31:00get out of my way, and it's 45 years old.
31:02Yeah.
31:03Wow.
31:04For a while there you pivoted into religious studies.
31:06I did.
31:07Well, you know, there was a Catholic school, wasn't it, Claire?
31:10With our overlord, you, overlooking everything.
31:14Maybe one day you'll be crucified, Jeremy.
31:18One can only hope, Abbey.
31:20One can only hope.
31:21Save us from our sins.
31:22Exactly.
31:23That's enough learning for now.
31:24It's time to soften your brain with the soothing power of unskippable ads.
31:29We'll see you after that.
31:42Welcome back to Taskmaster.
31:44Where five comedians are trying to win a haunted puppet from Abbey
31:48that will definitely kill them in their sleep.
31:51Where were we, Paul?
31:53Our five contestants were attempting to teach me a lesson.
31:56So far, Ben has taught me every New Zealand Prime Minister
31:59since World War II,
32:00and Tom Sainsbury has taught me which seagulls are gay.
32:06For second period, we've got Miss Sproul and Mr Fipuliai.
32:12Can I have a bite?
32:13You can have several.
32:15OK.
32:16I'm going to teach you a small marching routine.
32:20A marching routine, which you will then perform.
32:24I'm actually allergic to apples.
32:26How allergic?
32:28I'll be fine. I've got a bit of an itchy throat.
32:30I'll teach you to make a cup of tea.
32:32You know how to make a cup of tea?
32:33Not really.
32:35We'll go to the kitchen, I'll teach you.
32:36That's a lesson, eh?
32:38Are you sure you should keep eating that?
32:40You're allergic.
32:41A little bit.
32:42OK. I have allergies too.
32:44What are you allergic to?
32:45I'm allergic to your bullshit.
32:47Now that we've got water in here, what do you do?
32:50Turn it on.
32:51Yeah, that's the one.
32:53Now while we're waiting for the hot water,
32:55what we usually do is we learn a dance or a song.
32:58OK.
32:59Stand and up, stand and down.
33:03Why have your head down?
33:04I thought that's what you did.
33:05No, no.
33:06And then I say,
33:07a kiki popo, kiki popo,
33:08and you go,
33:09a rumpa pachi.
33:10A rumpa pachi.
33:11Yeah, but you have to move your hips as well.
33:13A rumpa pachi.
33:15Stand and down.
33:17No, don't do the head.
33:18I'm looking at your feet.
33:19My head just naturally wants to go down.
33:21It just feels more respectful.
33:22To whom?
33:23To who are you bowing to?
33:25The troops.
33:26Just pour it into a cup.
33:28About three quarters.
33:29Let's have a cup of tea.
33:31Let's just pour.
33:32You don't want to do any more?
33:34Nah.
33:37Ready?
33:38Stand at ease.
33:40Stand and up, stand and down.
33:42Head up.
33:43Attention.
33:45Stand and up, stand and down.
33:47Quick march.
33:49And one, two, three, four, in.
33:52And one, two, three, four, in.
33:55And one, two, three, four, in.
33:59Left march.
34:01And one, two, and three, four, and in.
34:06And salute.
34:07And up, two, three, down.
34:11I think that's a really good start.
34:14Chicka-biddle-chee, chicka-biddle-chee.
34:16A-kiki-popo-kiki-popo.
34:17A-room-pa-pa-chee, a-room-pa-pa-chee.
34:19A-kiki-popo-kiki-popo.
34:21A-simi-simi-se, a-simi-simi-se.
34:23A-willy-willy-mitty, a-willy-willy-mitty.
34:25Viva, viva, hey.
34:27Suana-pa-banana.
34:29Suana-pa-banana.
34:31Suana, suana, suana, banana.
34:35Suana, suana, suana, banana.
34:39If you want it, throw it outside.
34:41If you want it, throw it outside.
34:43Throw it outside, throw it outside.
34:45Choo-hoo!
34:49My man.
34:54Matt, as Toffinger's surrogate tonight.
34:57Yes, we're very happy with that.
34:59How much of Toffinger's dance was culturally appropriate there,
35:04with your knowledge of Samoan dance?
35:06120%.
35:07Wow.
35:08The kiki-popo-kiki-popo, you got that down, didn't you?
35:11Yeah.
35:12Have you retained the dance?
35:14I think if he led me, I might be able to.
35:16Go on, Matt.
35:17Are you able to fulfil that role?
35:20Suana-pop-banana, I remember that bit.
35:22It was the kiki-popo-kiki-popo.
35:24I don't think that's quite right.
35:26It was definitely if you don't want it, throw it outside.
35:28That's right.
35:29Which is a good lesson for anyone.
35:32True.
35:33Hayley, were you impressed?
35:35It was quite good.
35:36Where did you learn...
35:37Sorry, sorry.
35:38Dancing, Jeremy?
35:40Marching is a sport.
35:43It's sort of like dressage for people.
35:47When did you do marching?
35:49Still.
35:50You march now?
35:51Yeah, I've marched since I was eight years old and I'm 34.
35:54Why?
35:57It's a good question.
35:58How many people are you rustling up for your marching?
36:00Is it just you or...?
36:01No, no, it's a team.
36:02There's a team?
36:03Yeah, in a technical block there's ten.
36:05Impressive.
36:06And you can get ten people together to do that?
36:08We'll get hundreds.
36:10OK, Paul.
36:11I'm ready for another lesson.
36:12Who have we got next?
36:13Last, but academically not least, it's Dr Howells.
36:24Stop right there!
36:26Before you pass, you must answer my question three.
36:32OK.
36:33Is your name Paul?
36:35Yes.
36:36Do you like to party?
36:39Yeah.
36:40Do you think I'm beautiful?
36:49Yes.
36:55Thank you, Paul.
36:56You have freed me because you can see that I was beautiful on the inside.
37:01And that's what matters.
37:04OK.
37:05Telling the truth serves a lot of good, doesn't it?
37:08I will say, like, when you had the mask on, I felt like I was lying when I said yes.
37:12Yeah, I kind of hoped that you would say...
37:15But the magic still worked anyway.
37:17OK.
37:18Yeah.
37:19And it's important to be kind and respectful.
37:23OK?
37:24Because you don't know what people are going through.
37:26Thank you for saving me.
37:28No worries.
37:32APPLAUSE
37:38OK, Abby, so just quickly clarify the lesson that you were teaching Paul there.
37:44It was through not lying that he found my inner beauty.
37:49But he did.
37:50But he didn't lie.
37:51He did lie.
37:52I did lie.
37:54That mask was, I'd say, objectively ugly.
37:58I think probably the lesson he learned was kindness always pays off.
38:02I think I did learn that if you're going to hurt someone's feelings, lie.
38:07And why are we vilifying the ugly version of Abby?
38:10Like, why is she bad?
38:11Well, that's another lesson.
38:13Hey, this is the thing.
38:15The actual thing that we watched, there was no lesson.
38:18No.
38:19All right? Let's just be clear about that.
38:20I'm hearing nothing but lessons!
38:22There was no lesson.
38:23I will say I did learn the lesson that ugly people are gross.
38:28Yes.
38:30And should be avoided.
38:32Yes.
38:33OK, I have to score this.
38:36One point for Abby, because there was no lesson.
38:39OK?
38:40It was teach Paul a lesson and there was no lesson.
38:43I enjoyed it, but there was no lesson.
38:45I don't think you did.
38:46You're fired up, mate.
38:47I love it.
38:50It's true.
38:51This is literally the shittiest we've seen him all season.
38:55Two points for Hayley, because there was one lesson that was taught
38:59and it was the marching.
39:00Tofinga ended up teaching Paul two lessons.
39:04Well, one and a half, really, so I'll give him three points.
39:07Tom taught Paul some lessons, but he didn't testimony any of the lessons,
39:14so none of it went in.
39:16Whereas I thought, Ben, actually, you should get five points,
39:19because you taught Paul a lesson and he remembered it at the time,
39:22even though now he doesn't.
39:23Totally.
39:24Yes.
39:25Yeah, beautiful.
39:26Thanks, guys.
39:27So that does it for part four.
39:28It's time for you to watch some videos that all have the same important lesson.
39:32It's good to buy stuff.
39:34We'll see you after the break.
39:35Welcome back to Taskmaster, you cheeky rascals.
39:49Now, if you're just joining us, you have really screwed up your timing,
39:53because we're nearly at the end of the episode.
39:55We have just got the live task to go, but before we get to that,
39:59can I have a score update, please, Paul?
40:01It's extremely tight, but out in front on 13, it's Ben Hurley.
40:04Oh, wow.
40:05Okay.
40:06We've been out in front.
40:07It's anyone's episode.
40:09All right, you guys, please,
40:11head up to the stage for the final task of the show.
40:18Okay, Paul, who's reading out the task tonight?
40:21Ben Hurley will read the task.
40:23Okay, sure.
40:25Write down the name of an animal, vegetable or vehicle and hand it to Paul.
40:35Thank you, Tom.
40:36Thank you, Matt.
40:37Thank you, Hayley.
40:38You're welcome.
40:39Thank you, Ben.
40:40Thank you, Abby.
40:42There's a second task.
40:43Yeah.
40:44Using the canvas behind you, communicate to the Taskmaster
40:47what your animal, vegetable or vehicle is.
40:50You may now turn around while working on your canvas.
40:53You must not tamper with your backpack.
40:55When you are ready for the Taskmaster to guess, stand next to your canvas.
40:59If he guesses wrong, you may alter your canvas and try again.
41:03Fastest correctly guessed animal, vegetable or vehicle wins.
41:08Oh, dear.
41:11You each have a mirror.
41:12Are you ready?
41:13Yeah.
41:14Yeah, man.
41:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:25A carrot.
41:26Yes!
41:27Correct.
41:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:37Jeremy.
41:38A pig.
41:39And Matt?
41:42A turnip.
41:43Incorrect.
41:44Jeremy.
41:45A diplodocus.
41:46That is not correct.
41:48Ben's a turtle.
41:50Correct.
41:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:53Koala.
41:54Correct.
41:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:00Just...
42:01A chicken?
42:03That is incorrect.
42:06Matt's done a Jackson Pollock.
42:08It's a cat.
42:09Incorrect.
42:10Don't give up, Abby.
42:13Oh, an aeroplane.
42:16Matt, is that... Do you want to guess?
42:18I'm just trying to actually ascertain the best way forward here.
42:21OK.
42:22Maybe if they each tell me either it's an animal or a vegetable or a vehicle.
42:28Abby?
42:29It's an animal.
42:31OK, that's not helping.
42:33Matt?
42:34It's a vegetable.
42:36What?!
42:38Abby, is yours an albatross?
42:40No.
42:41No.
42:42Matt, is yours a cauliflower?
42:43No.
42:44OK, they can do one pose.
42:47WHISTLE BLOWS
42:51OK, you must be a radish.
42:54Incorrect.
42:55And Abby's?
42:56Horse.
42:57OK.
42:59Pony.
43:00Matt?
43:01A carrot.
43:02Yes!
43:03Correct.
43:04What the hell is this?!
43:05You should have just pointed at that.
43:07So, the artwork's...
43:08Carrot.
43:09Carrot.
43:10Koala.
43:11Turtle.
43:12Shetland pony.
43:13LAUGHTER
43:14Oh, no!
43:16OK, come on down and we'll judge it.
43:19APPLAUSE
43:22MUSIC
43:24APPLAUSE
43:27Oh, Jesus!
43:29Welcome on.
43:30So, based on the order that Jeremy guessed the pictures,
43:34we get one point for Abby, two points for Telfinga,
43:37three points for Hayley, four points for Ben
43:39and five points for the King of Carrots, Tom Sainsbury.
43:42CHEERING
43:44Right, so what does that mean for our episode?
43:47It means that the winner of episode four with 17 points
43:51is Ben Hurley!
43:53Here we go!
43:55Ben, congratulations on winning five things that make you go,
43:59hmm, I don't know about that.
44:01Arguably one of the worst selection of prizes
44:03we've ever had on this show.
44:05Please go and collect them on stage.
44:08CHEERING
44:10That's the end of episode four.
44:12And what have we learned?
44:14We've learned that if you meet a man with a creepy folder
44:17full of pictures of women,
44:19it's most likely to do with the solar system.
44:21We've learned that if you meet an old witch in the forest,
44:24either tell her she's ugly or don't,
44:27it will work out fine either way.
44:30But most importantly,
44:32we've learned that the winner of this episode is Ben Hurley!
44:36CHEERING
44:37We can't wait to see you back here next week.
44:40Ka kite anō. Goodnight.
44:42CHEERING
44:59It's time to party hard!
45:02Hello. I don't like organised fun.
45:04What do you call this? My job.
45:06You've got a raw doggo.
45:08Cool. You look psychotic.
45:10There's a little bit of six in the old dog, yeah.