Taskmaster NZ S05E01

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00:00Hello.
00:01And...
00:02Two!
00:03Come on!
00:04Woo-hoo!
00:05That's for the haters.
00:06Oh!
00:07Come here.
00:08Come here.
00:09Jiggle-biddle-chee!
00:10Oh!
00:11Yeah!
00:12Yeah!
00:13He-he-he-he!
00:15It's a tea, it's a task!
00:17Naumae, haere mai.
00:19Welcome to Season 5 of Taskmaster.
00:23It's a tea, it's a task!
00:28Naumae, haere mai.
00:31Welcome to Season 5 of Taskmaster.
00:36It's a tea, it's a task!
00:41Welcome to Season 5 of Taskmaster New Zealand.
00:44Yes, we're over the moon to be back for another 10 episodes of mayhem, and by we, I mean me.
00:51Over the next 10 episodes, we'll watch with sick fascination as five New Zealand comedians
00:58with non-overlapping audiences compete in what can only be described as a dog show for
01:05humans.
01:08But why have these five comedians signed away their dignity for, let's be honest, less money
01:13than you might think?
01:15Well, it's all for a chance to get their hands on this.
01:22The Taskmaster trophy made from pure 24-carat fool's gold.
01:29Let's meet the five brave comedians.
01:31They are Abbie Howes, Ben Hurley, Hayley Sprower, and Tom Sainsbury.
01:44Now unfortunately, one of our comedians, Tofinga Thepulea, he can't be with us here in the
01:50studio.
01:51So this season, we have a cavalcade of fan favourites stepping up to defend his honour.
01:56So please welcome, for episode one, Madeleine Sarmie.
02:00And you know how the saying goes, beside every great man in a big chair is another smaller
02:09man in a less impressive chair.
02:12And for me, that other smaller man is none other than Paul Williams.
02:19It's so good to be back, Jeremy, and I've actually got you an opening night gift.
02:26It's a finger painting from my nephew.
02:30Oh, wow.
02:35He's incredibly talented.
02:38Someone can grab that.
02:39I'll deal with that a little bit later on.
02:43So what are we going to start with, the prize task?
02:46So tonight, we've asked our five comedians to bring in the worst cup, and the winner
02:53of tonight's episode will get to take home all five terrible cups.
02:57All right, we're going to start with Abby.
02:59Hello, Jeremy.
03:00Abby, what is your terrible cup that you've brought in?
03:03First of all, it doesn't function as a cup, it's got a lot of holes in it.
03:07But also, it says, I exclusively drink piss.
03:14Wow.
03:15So you know, it's bad functionally, but it also maybe starts a conversation you don't
03:19want to start.
03:21So let's just say that I do drink piss, and I don't mind letting people know about it.
03:30I mean, apart from the holes in it, what would be wrong with this?
03:33Well, also, the handle looks like an anus.
03:37I think if you did like drinking piss, the holes might actually be a positive.
03:42You get more.
03:43Also replicate kind of...
03:46Paul, when you pee, does it spritz everywhere?
03:49Because you should get that looked at.
03:51There's three solid...
03:52Right.
03:53Yeah.
03:54Wow.
03:55Ben, I don't know how you're going to come back from this.
03:57No, no.
03:58I don't want to take it down, but this comes from genuine trauma.
04:00Because this is the 2019 Cricket World Cup.
04:04Oh.
04:05Which, of course, New Zealand didn't win in horrific circumstances.
04:10And cricket fans like me, we carry this trauma with us forever.
04:14Easily the worst cup.
04:15Yeah, OK.
04:16I actually, I'm not really pleased that you've brought that trauma back to me.
04:20That's super over.
04:21That's one of the worst moments of my life.
04:23You don't want to know what you mean.
04:25Did someone die?
04:26Did a man die?
04:29Like a part of all of us died.
04:32Yeah.
04:33Hayley.
04:34Jeremy, I'd like to...
04:35Well, actually, all of us would like to cast our minds back to the wonderful year that was 2020.
04:40And we'd just been thrown into lockdown.
04:42So I made my partner Aaron and I a little tray for his trinkets, which I thought was quite cute.
04:48And he made me this, which is...
04:51Oh.
04:53OK.
04:54So your fiancé has lovingly made you this thing.
04:57Yes.
04:58And then you've brought it on national television and absolutely humiliated him.
05:01Yeah.
05:02In the hopes that I don't win today and it's no longer on display in my kitchen, pride of place.
05:08Smart.
05:09Madeleine, what have you brought in?
05:11Just put it up on screen, actually.
05:13Yep.
05:14Wowzers.
05:15That's a gun cup.
05:17It's my friend's cup.
05:18It's just awful.
05:20They got it in Vegas because they went to a gun range and that was the merch on offer.
05:24Although you're thinking now, aren't you, with what's been offered so far,
05:27that that gun cup's looking pretty bloody good, isn't it?
05:29Yeah.
05:30You could get so much piss in there, no problem.
05:34Tom, how are you feeling about what you brought in?
05:37Look, mine is aesthetically pleasing, sure.
05:39But I want to get a movement against the style of cup.
05:42And here it is.
05:44You might notice something missing here.
05:47The amount of times I've been, here you go, here's your green tea.
05:49Hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle.
05:51And having to hold it like that.
05:54So I'm really against the style of cup.
05:57Wow.
05:59I've got the audience on side.
06:01How am I going to judge this?
06:03I personally love the Cricket World Cup.
06:07So I'm going to give Ben one point there.
06:09Oh, come on.
06:11Madeleine, two points, because that's also quite a cool cup.
06:13That's a good cup.
06:14It is a good cup.
06:16Sorry, tall finger.
06:17Sorry, tall finger.
06:18Tom gets three.
06:19Yes, middle.
06:20And then I will go four points for Hayley.
06:24I'll take that.
06:25Five points for Abby.
06:26Oh, thank you.
06:29All right.
06:30Let's rip into the first proper task, shall we, Paul?
06:33For sure, Jeremy.
06:34And I think you'll like this one because it's a little bit sensual.
06:45Hello.
06:46Hello, Abby.
06:48Hello, Hayley.
06:52Hello, tall finger.
06:53Hey, Paul.
06:54Hi.
06:55Hello, Tom.
06:56The sensors.
06:59Choose three of your five sensors to lose for the next task.
07:03And place them in the bin.
07:05Can I get rid of three?
07:07Yes, please.
07:08These are the three I'm going to get rid of.
07:10You're keeping touch and hearing.
07:12I reckon I could do everything with touch and sight.
07:18I want to see and I want to feel.
07:20Paul, tonight I'm going with eyes and smell.
07:23I'm going to lose that one.
07:25OK, you happy with that?
07:27I'm going to be kicking myself soon, but I'm happy with it.
07:31Thank you, sir.
07:35Attach your sense blockers, then follow the instructions.
07:39Fastest wins.
07:41Your time starts when the phone rings.
07:43Attach my sense blockers?
07:45Yes, we'll bring those.
07:47OK.
07:48Yeah.
07:51I am fascinated to know what kind of bizarre adventure, Paul,
07:54you've got lined up for these guys.
07:56Let's see what happens.
07:58First up are the three comedians I would rank first, second and third.
08:03Alphabetically.
08:05It's Abby, Ben and Hayley.
08:07Your time starts when the phone rings.
08:09We'll get your sense blockers now.
08:11Excellent.
08:15Can you hear me?
08:17Can I hear you?
08:18No.
08:21Oh, no.
08:23I guess I don't know when the phone rings.
08:26Cos I can't hear anything.
08:31I don't know what to do.
08:33Did you give me instructions?
08:35They're on the phone.
08:36Oh, they're on the phone?
08:37Yeah.
08:38It's an issue, isn't it?
08:40Can't hear the phone.
08:42Where's the phone?
08:44These phones?
08:48Why did I choose smell?
08:50Is it on you?
08:51Yes.
08:53It's right here.
08:55Do you have a phone in your pocket?
08:56Yes.
08:57Can I see it?
08:59Answer.
09:05I can't hear it.
09:06You're going to have to describe for me what they're saying.
09:09Hi, I can't hear you.
09:10Can you text me?
09:11I would be forever grateful if you could send me a text.
09:15Pick up.
09:17Take.
09:18Cup.
09:19Mug.
09:20Take a mug.
09:21Of.
09:22Take a mug of almond milk.
09:24And serve it to the mannequin in the field.
09:27Then ring the bell.
09:30What is that?
09:31A mannequin?
09:32Take a mug of almond milk to the mannequin.
09:35Ring the bell!
09:37Okay.
09:38A mug of almond milk.
09:43I can't taste any of them.
09:45No.
09:46Maybe.
09:47Maybe.
09:48I think.
09:49Ow.
09:50Ow.
09:51Ow.
09:52What does almond milk feel like?
09:54Too creamy.
09:55Maybe this one.
09:57I think it's this.
09:59Okay, that's that.
10:00All right, I'm going to the field.
10:02Okay, here we go.
10:04Oh, blooming heck.
10:06Oh, no.
10:07Mother of pearl.
10:11Where's the mannequin?
10:13Yes.
10:14All right, off we go to the field, Paul.
10:18The mannequin!
10:20Ah!
10:24Oh, gosh.
10:25M'lady.
10:26M'lady.
10:33Stop the clock.
10:34Is that it?
10:35I've stopped the clock.
10:36I can't hear you, sorry.
10:38Act it out.
10:40Stop, you stopped the clock.
10:43APPLAUSE
10:47Fascinating.
10:48Ben, what does almond milk feel like?
10:51It's an excellent question, Jeremy.
10:54I'm not that familiar with the nut milks,
10:57so I had to just kind of guess.
10:59It's kind of watery, I guess.
11:01Yeah.
11:02I don't drink cow milk, and I was like,
11:04I've got this with that technique.
11:07Did I detect, Abby, that at one stage
11:09you were trying to smell which phone was ringing?
11:11Yeah.
11:13I was like, I've got smell, I've got to learn,
11:16I've got to learn to rely on this.
11:18But then I did a new smell for the milks.
11:24What about the times?
11:26Ben, seven minutes, exactly.
11:28Wow.
11:29Very speedy.
11:30We don't know if that's good.
11:31We don't know.
11:32Calm down.
11:33Abby, 13 minutes and 13 seconds.
11:35OK.
11:36Hayley, 10 minutes and 16 seconds.
11:39OK.
11:40However, she did slightly get the mannequin's order wrong.
11:45The mannequin wanted almond milk.
11:48She took some flowery water.
11:51I am so convinced.
11:53Did I get the milk correct?
11:55Correct milk.
11:56You did?
11:57I got that just on vibe.
12:00I vibed the correct milk.
12:04Wow.
12:05OK.
12:06Now the moment we've all been waiting for,
12:08season five's very first ad break.
12:10We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this.
12:26Kitakoto Arnold, welcome back
12:28to the season five premiere of Taskmaster.
12:31Where are we, Paul?
12:32Up next, the two comedians I would rank last and second to last,
12:37personality-wise.
12:39Wow.
12:40It's Torfinga and Tom.
12:47Hey.
12:49Time will start when the phone rings.
12:52Oh, no.
12:53PHONE RINGS
12:56Where's the phone?
12:58Oh, there we go.
12:59PHONE RINGS
13:01Hello?
13:02My instructions start when the phone rings.
13:05I've got to take a mug of almond milk to a mannequin.
13:08Is she going to have to go up to the kitchen?
13:10PHONE RINGS
13:12What's happening?
13:13PHONE RINGS
13:20I'll stop the clock.
13:22Oh, shit.
13:24Almond milk.
13:25Am I finding almond milk?
13:27I'll stop the clock.
13:30We're in the kitchen.
13:32What's this in my hand now?
13:34That's a bottle of...
13:36I'm not sure.
13:37I'm going to go to the kitchen and find almond milk.
13:40OK, but I have stopped the clock.
13:42Do you want to test that for me, if that's almond milk?
13:46I'm not sure.
13:48Hey, Tom.
13:50Tom.
13:51What about this one?
13:53I think that's glue.
13:54Oh, sorry, bro.
13:55No, that's OK.
13:56Oh, no, if I knew that, I would have told you to drink the whole bottle.
14:00Oh.
14:01Stop the clock.
14:02Oh, ****.
14:03What was that?
14:04I should have taken the instructions.
14:06I'll be back.
14:09Is that almond milk?
14:11No, it's yoghurt.
14:12Try this one.
14:15It tastes like maybe paint and...
14:17Oh, sorry, bro.
14:18No, that's OK.
14:19I have stopped the clock.
14:21Five.
14:22You don't need to do any of this.
14:24OK, I'm going to take this with me.
14:27That could be almond milk.
14:28This one.
14:29Maybe we try that last bottle again, just to make sure.
14:34Paint, for sure.
14:35OK, we'll go with this one.
14:38Tom, can you hear me?
14:40I've stopped the clock already.
14:42The task is done.
14:44OK.
14:45Yeah, keep going.
14:46It's just open pastures.
14:49You happy with that?
14:51Five.
14:52I stopped the clock a long time ago.
14:54Five.
14:55Easy as that.
14:58I've stopped the clock.
15:00Hello?
15:01Are you happy with that?
15:03You happy?
15:04I've stopped the clock.
15:05Oh, have you?
15:06Yeah.
15:07Is that it?
15:08Yeah.
15:13Tom, I now understand why you look so uncomfortable when you're watching everyone else's.
15:17I know, a lot of mistakes made.
15:19You did so much more than you needed to.
15:21I know.
15:22Life in general for me, really.
15:24Did I get the milk right?
15:25It was the correct milk.
15:27What?
15:28But...
15:29But it wasn't in a mug?
15:31It wasn't in a mug.
15:32And your time ends when you ring the bell.
15:35Oh, what?
15:36Yes.
15:38So, 1 minute 33 and he did ring the bell.
15:40And then he continued for a further 12 and a half minutes.
15:45Tofinga, 30 minutes and 32 seconds.
15:48We spent quite a long time trying the different liquids.
15:51Yeah, I could see that.
15:52Yeah, he made me try a few multiple times.
15:55I probably should say to anyone watching, don't drink glue or paint.
16:00Do drink piss.
16:04Exclusively.
16:06Should we have a look at how we're going to score that?
16:09Well, both Hayley and Tom did not complete the task.
16:12Yeah.
16:13So, what do you think for them?
16:14Zero.
16:15Zero for both?
16:16Jeremy!
16:17Why you didn't complete the task?
16:18You don't get a point for that.
16:19Look, Shay, he's got to do what he's got to do.
16:21Shut up!
16:22It's brutal, guys.
16:23I've done a whole season in this way.
16:25Just got to toughen up.
16:26So, Tom disqualified.
16:28Hayley disqualified.
16:30Three points for Tofinga.
16:31Yeah.
16:32With 30 minutes and 32 seconds.
16:35Four points for Abby and five points for Ben Hurley.
16:44So, what is our scoreboard looking like now, Paul?
16:47Out in first with nine points, Abby Howells.
16:52Yes!
16:54OK, let's chuck on another task.
16:57Warning, this next task could get a little messy,
17:01but I'm about to press play,
17:04and you Maradonna wanna miss this one.
17:17Can't see Paul.
17:18Can't see Paul.
17:20Paul?
17:22Hello, Paul?
17:25Ah!
17:26No!
17:29Oh, what?
17:31Are you serious, Paul?
17:34Whoa!
17:37Oh!
17:38No, no!
17:39Oh!
17:42That was really impressive.
17:44Thanks for saying that.
17:47Celebrate a football goal.
17:49Most glorious goal celebration wins.
17:51You may only take one kick.
17:53If you miss, you must celebrate regardless.
17:56You have 30 minutes.
17:58Your time starts now.
18:01And do you have a signature celebration?
18:03Well, I'm a New Zealander, so...
18:07Still somebody watching would go,
18:09Bit much, mate?
18:10Yeah.
18:11Have you ever seen Les Mis, Paul?
18:13Have I seen it?
18:14I performed in it.
18:15Who did you play?
18:17Javert.
18:18Oh!
18:19Got a barbecue and some chicken nibbles.
18:22Make sure there's heaps, man.
18:24OK, I'll try.
18:25I'll put in a good word for you.
18:26With the taskmaster?
18:27Yeah.
18:28OK, thank you.
18:29What's his name again?
18:30The taskmaster?
18:31Yeah.
18:32I see him on TV every now and then.
18:33Him and the lady.
18:34What's her name?
18:35You don't know her name?
18:36Hillary Clinton, eh?
18:37Is it Hillary Clinton?
18:41So that whole intro is clearly designed
18:43to show off your football prowess.
18:45Essentially, yeah.
18:46And then there was an open goal
18:48and you hit the corner of the post.
18:51I could see how genuinely gutted you were there.
18:54Yeah.
18:55I didn't realise when you came in, Paul,
18:57that the assumption was that you would play with you
18:59with the ball, you know?
19:01Other people were like,
19:02Oh, I'm going to get in the goal and have a bit of fun.
19:05But I just watched.
19:07Ironically, it works.
19:08You were the one person I didn't score against.
19:11Yeah.
19:12It's OK, Paul.
19:13I disconcert people.
19:16OK, shall we see some celebrations?
19:19Who's up first?
19:20Serving up a healthy portion of goal,
19:23it's Tofinga.
19:25WHISTLE BLOWS
19:26This is for you, Paul.
19:29Yeah!
19:30Yeah!
19:31All right!
19:32Woo-hoo!
19:33WHISTLE BLOWS
19:34WHISTLE BLOWS
19:35WHISTLE BLOWS
19:36WHISTLE BLOWS
19:37WHISTLE BLOWS
19:38WHISTLE BLOWS
19:39WHISTLE BLOWS
19:40WHISTLE BLOWS
19:41WHISTLE BLOWS
19:42WHISTLE BLOWS
19:43WHISTLE BLOWS
19:44Yeah, way!
19:45E-S-A.
19:46All right!
19:47Yeah, Paul!
19:48Dance for me, Paul.
19:49Give me a T.
19:50Yeah!
19:51O.
19:52O!
19:53F.
19:54F!
19:55I.
19:56I!
19:57G.
19:58What sort of G was that?
19:59G.
20:00Capital G.
20:01Oh, G!
20:02A.
20:03A!
20:04Yeah, Tofinga!
20:05Yeah, Paul!
20:06Yee-hee!
20:07Have you cooked that enough?
20:08Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:09That's good stuff.
20:10Do you want a patty or...?
20:11I'm vegetarian.
20:12Yeah.
20:13The chicken's vegetarian.
20:14I don't think so.
20:15That looks like real chicken.
20:16Yeah, but it doesn't eat meat.
20:17It's a vegetarian chicken.
20:18Oh, it eats, like, grains.
20:19Yeah.
20:20And the patty's definitely vegetarian.
20:21That's absolutely not vegetarian.
20:22That's genius.
20:23That made me so happy.
20:24It's awesome.
20:25I love the sausage sizzle!
20:26What were the crew like, behind the camera?
20:27I feel like they would have just been like,
20:28that's just the kind of thing
20:29that kids do.
20:30Yeah.
20:31Yeah.
20:32Yeah.
20:33Yeah.
20:34Yeah.
20:35Yeah.
20:36Yeah.
20:37Yeah.
20:38Yeah.
20:39Yeah.
20:40Yeah.
20:41Yeah.
20:42Yeah.
20:43Yeah.
20:44That's just the kind of thing
20:45that gets the crew so excited.
20:46You know what I mean?
20:47I mean, yeah.
20:48I think they were just kind of like...
20:49So, had you eaten that chicken?
20:53Mm.
20:54Like, how long was the...
20:55How long would I have had to live?
20:56Yeah.
20:57Not long.
20:58Right.
20:59No, he'd cooked the chicken for,
21:00I measured 44 seconds.
21:03OK, I'd like to see another comedian
21:06do an elaborate over-the-top celebration
21:08after scoring an open goal from two metres away.
21:10Please, Paul.
21:12Will he bend it like Beckham
21:14or bend it like Hurley?
21:18Ben Hurley steps up for new club Spurs City United
21:22to score a goal.
21:24Here he goes.
21:26And it's in!
21:27It's a goal!
21:33He's scored a goal.
21:36Who are you?
21:37Who are you?
21:38I'll be back soon, lads.
21:39I'm a famous footballer now,
21:40so I'm going to get on my Aston Martin
21:42and go marry a supermodel.
21:49I now pronounce you husband and wife.
21:52I love you, supermodel lady.
21:54I love you, football Ben Hurley.
22:00Oh, wow.
22:01What a fantastic footballing career.
22:04Hello?
22:05What?
22:06Tax?
22:07How often do I have to pay that?
22:09Every year?
22:14Oh, thank God we moved to a country
22:16with such lax tax laws like Switzerland.
22:19That was close.
22:20Hey, why do you have a suitcase, sweetheart?
22:32I scored a goal.
22:36I scored a goal.
22:38Who are you?
22:40Who are you?
22:43Oh, wow.
22:46That was good, that was good.
22:48So that was an amazing story arc there.
22:50There was a beginning, a middle,
22:52and then about six endings.
22:55Yeah, it was a long denouement,
22:57as they say in the film industry.
22:59And what sort of car were you driving when you went out there?
23:02Was that a Toyota Realm?
23:04It was an Aston Martin.
23:06I think it was a Toyota Aston Martin.
23:08No, it was a type of Aston Martin called a Demio.
23:13Yes.
23:14Can you show me another one, please?
23:16Behind every great goalkeeper,
23:18there's a ball from Tom Sainsbury.
23:25I did it, I did it!
23:27Yay!
23:35What, ref?
23:36What do you mean, ref?
23:37That wasn't a foul.
23:38What are you doing, Bianca?
23:40Bianca, this is about you and me.
23:42This is personal.
23:43It's got nothing to do with the rest of the team.
23:46Oh, here we go again.
23:48I was too focused on my football career.
23:50Relationships are an equation of two people, Bianca.
23:54Yeah, I've been thinking about you every day, too.
23:59I think you look pretty great in the ref outfit as well.
24:02I really liked how you blew your whistle.
24:11WHISTLE BLOWS
24:13You happy with that?
24:15I'd say that would get me fourth place.
24:17That's what you're going for?
24:21I thought that's bold of you, Tom,
24:23to think that that's going to get you fourth place.
24:26What is it with you footballers
24:28and these off-pitch relationships?
24:32I don't know, just red-blooded blokes up here, eh?
24:37I agree with you on Bianca's reffing, though.
24:39That was absolute rubbish.
24:41You had an open goal.
24:42Exactly.
24:43What was the foul?
24:44And where was the defence?
24:47Exactly, there was no defence.
24:49Good sport turn there, Tom.
24:51Well done.
24:53There was some glory in that celebration,
24:55but it was tragic.
24:57It was tragic that we now know how Tom Sainsbury pashes.
25:01So much lip.
25:03It was like kissing a piece of wood,
25:05like she was giving nothing.
25:07Wow!
25:11That's just how girls kiss.
25:13Yeah.
25:14It's not.
25:18All right, time now for you at home
25:20to celebrate by taking advantage of these fantastic deals
25:23from our commercial sponsors.
25:25We'll see you after the break.
25:30Welcome back to Taskmaster.
25:32A beautiful show where we're playing the beautiful game.
25:35Isn't that right?
25:36Beautiful, Paul.
25:37Kind of.
25:38Thanks for calling me beautiful.
25:40We're watching our contestants celebrate scoring a goal.
25:43Most glorious celebration wins.
25:45So far, we've had two break-ups
25:47and one barbeque that breaks all food safety standards.
25:50So far, we've had two break-ups
25:52and one barbeque that breaks all food safety standards.
25:55So far, we've had two break-ups
25:57and one barbeque that breaks all food safety standards.
26:00What have we got next?
26:02Hayley Sproul?
26:03More like Hayley Wow!
26:04What a goal.
26:06WHISTLE BLOWS
26:09HE GRUNTS
26:11HE SCREAMS
26:19HE SCREAMS
26:21HE GROWLS
26:24HE GROWLS
26:26HE GROWLS
26:32Where's my girlfriend?
26:34Come here, baby.
26:35You're going to want to get this.
26:37Paulina, I wanted to wait for this moment
26:39where I won the World Cup for Aotearoa New Zealand.
26:43Shoot.
26:44WHISTLE BLOWS
26:46Will you marry me, baby?
26:48Of course I will.
26:50HE GROWLS
26:56HE GROWLS
26:58HE GROWLS
27:00HE GROWLS
27:02HE GROWLS
27:06Sorry, my nipples.
27:08LAUGHTER
27:10APPLAUSE
27:12I think having a goalie in there really creates some authenticity
27:15and really ups the stakes.
27:17Yeah, it did.
27:18I think, as well, I was really excited to see the slow-mo,
27:21but, boy, it was really giving a lot, wasn't it?
27:24Can I just point out that I feel that there wasn't enough lip in that.
27:28LAUGHTER
27:29Paul and I both went to drama school,
27:31and it's a very old technique that you use to kiss
27:33when it's not appropriate to touch lips.
27:35Well, that... OK.
27:36..that was money well spent, my friend.
27:38LAUGHTER
27:39Well, at least you used a proper human... Yeah.
27:42..and not a mannequin.
27:44And can I just say the authenticity
27:46of that lesbian Paulina's undercut...
27:48Honestly? Yeah.
27:50It was hot.
27:51I felt seen, I felt my people were seen.
27:54I think you're an incredible ally, Paul.
27:57Yeah.
27:58It is definitely the least toxic relationship
28:01that we've seen so far.
28:03Yeah.
28:04Do you feel like, on the scale from mannequin to human,
28:06Paul is in the middle?
28:08LAUGHTER
28:09Yeah.
28:11I reckon I could handle one more of these, Paul.
28:14Sure thing, Jeremy.
28:15Abbie Howell?
28:16More like Abbie Wow.
28:18She also scored a goal.
28:20It's Abbie Howells.
28:22Oh, my village has been attacked.
28:26Oh, Mon Pierre, you have been hit.
28:30Bonjour. Bonjour.
28:32Score a goal for me.
28:34Score a goal for you, Panja.
28:36Oh, no.
28:39Score a goal.
28:41It is the least that I can do.
28:46Oh!
28:47Oh!
28:48I've got to score a goal.
28:50Score a goal for...
28:56Victory!
28:58For France!
29:00They may take our lives,
29:02but through football,
29:04we will never die!
29:09Ah!
29:11LAUGHTER
29:19APPLAUSE
29:25What a journey.
29:26Powerful stuff.
29:28Oh, my gosh.
29:29Incroyable. Magnifique.
29:31It'd be good if you'd have got up and gone,
29:33Master of the house, keep your eye on the...
29:35LAUGHTER
29:36Oh, he's glorious.
29:38Oh, is that not who that is?
29:40No, that's the master of the goddamn house.
29:42Oh, you know everything about crickets.
29:45LAUGHTER
29:48The quote from you was beautiful.
29:51Go on.
29:52They may take our lives,
29:54but through football,
29:56we will never die.
29:58Yeah, it's beautiful and glorious.
30:01I'd also maybe like to draw attention to Paul's character,
30:04Jean-Pierre.
30:05Jean-Pierre was good.
30:06Yes. I've got to say.
30:07So, if you like Jean-Pierre, strap in,
30:09cos he appears in...
30:10Quite a few times.
30:12Oh, does he?
30:13Yeah.
30:14I will point out that most of Abbey's did happen
30:17before she scored the goal.
30:19Paul!
30:21LAUGHTER
30:23The word, Jeremy, we will use was glorious, OK?
30:26We were given the word glorious.
30:28And I thought yours was glorious.
30:30Indeed.
30:31I thought...
30:32And I think that you deserve four points.
30:35Thank you, Jeremy. Wow.
30:37Appreciate.
30:38I mean, I showed myself in all my glory.
30:41And I think you deserve five points.
30:43Yes!
30:44Now, I loved both yours, Tom, and I also loved yours, Ben,
30:47but there was so much tragedy involved in that.
30:50So, I'm going to give you guys two points each.
30:52And then the barbecue was genius, so I'll give that three.
30:55So, two points each for Ben and Tom,
30:58three points for Tolfinga,
30:59four points for Abbey,
31:01and five points for Hayley Sproul.
31:03That's it.
31:04APPLAUSE
31:09OK, Paul, I believe it's time for another task.
31:12Yes, but not just any task.
31:14This task is one of our biggest tasks ever.
31:25Ta-da!
31:29Ooh!
31:30My man.
31:31Hello, Tolfinga.
31:32Thank you, sir.
31:33Wow.
31:34A cornucopia of tasks.
31:36Is this my queue?
31:38What do you mean? Oh.
31:43Little pool queues.
31:44Mind if I sit down, Paul?
31:46Go for it.
31:47OK, what have we got?
31:48Complete all the tasks on the roof.
31:50You may only touch a task using these pool queues.
31:53Fastest wins.
31:55Oh, my God.
31:57Your time starts now.
32:02Who's going first?
32:04The big hand is striking task o'clock.
32:06It's time for Big Ben.
32:08Shall I pull them down, I guess?
32:10OK, and pull down.
32:12And...
32:13Come on, man.
32:15Come on, man.
32:17Cheer Paul up.
32:18What's going to cheer you up?
32:19A dance?
32:23Yeah, little smile there.
32:24Did that work?
32:26Yeah!
32:27Good.
32:30Help Paul make some lunch.
32:32Oh, what about a peanut butter sandwich?
32:34OK, only 400 more tasks to go.
32:38Here we go.
32:39Don't worry about this one.
32:42Yes, thank you.
32:50Hang on a minute.
32:55This isn't the roof.
32:57What do you mean?
32:59This is the ceiling.
33:01Is there actually a task, like, on the roof out there,
33:03and there's, like, one?
33:06I don't see any tasks.
33:08Oh!
33:09High five, Paul!
33:11Oh!
33:12I did it!
33:13I did it!
33:19I thought there was something strange
33:22about this particular task,
33:24and just watching everybody's reaction here
33:27was gold.
33:29I agree, Jeremy.
33:31I agree.
33:32Oh, my gosh!
33:34It was interesting to see how the wheels of your brain...
33:37I could see the moment where it turned over for you.
33:40Sherlock Holmes-like.
33:41Yeah, I genuinely thought I'd done too many even there,
33:45but looking now, I'm clearly pretty smug.
33:51How long did it take, Ben?
33:53Not long. 12 minutes and 41 seconds.
33:56Wow.
33:57And were you opening all of the tasks with the cues?
33:59I thought you were allowed to touch them.
34:01I touched the ones on the roof.
34:03Yeah.
34:06What?
34:07Well, I can't wait to see how long it takes
34:09for our other contestants to figure out Paul's little trick,
34:12but I'm going to have to,
34:13because it's time to cut to some ads.
34:15More Taskmaster after this.
34:17APPLAUSE
34:30Pukimau, Anor, welcome back to Taskmaster,
34:33where we're just discovering how few New Zealand comedians
34:37know what the word roof means.
34:40Take it away, Paul.
34:41Our contestants were tasked with completing all the tasks on the roof.
34:46Up next, their initials spell the word hat,
34:49which is fitting because a roof is like a hat for a house.
34:54It's Hayley, Abby and Tom.
34:58Chair, pull up.
34:59You are bringing so much to the world.
35:02Throw a grape into Paul's mouth and cross the road.
35:05Oh, good boy!
35:07Lead Paul in a one-minute exercise class.
35:10One, two...
35:12Don't worry about this one.
35:14Write a thrilling two-person play and perform it with Paul.
35:18I've put a swear word in here and I want you to really deliver it to me.
35:22Maybe if you touched me like you used to.
35:26Like this?
35:28I prefer the touch of your brother.
35:33Whore.
35:35That's the swear word.
35:39Shake Paul's hand for five minutes.
35:41I feel like I could be doing other tasks while I'm doing this.
35:43Completely cover the desk.
35:46Make Paul drink a litre of liquid.
35:51Draw a portrait of a celebrity.
35:54Paul must be able to recognise who it is.
36:00Now that could be one of two people.
36:02Give yourself a big makeover.
36:06I went for big and bold.
36:09Play hacky sack with Paul until you complete six consecutive hackys.
36:13One, two, three, four, five, six!
36:17Six.
36:21Give me five, my friend.
36:24Give you what?
36:25Five.
36:27I've stopped the clock.
36:29You've stopped?
36:30Yeah.
36:31Is that the end?
36:32Yeah.
36:33Okay.
36:34Count how many fingers Paul is holding up.
36:36One, two, three, four, five.
36:38Ten.
36:40Oh, Paul.
36:43Nah, how many am I holding up?
36:45Oh.
36:47Five?
36:48Yeah.
36:49It's just a silly trick.
36:52So many still.
36:54I'm losing it, Paul.
36:58Play paper, scissors, rock with Paul.
37:00Make Paul a drink.
37:02Name 18 countries that Paul knows the capital city of.
37:06That's ten vastly different green things.
37:08Ten!
37:09Gosh.
37:10You've got 11.
37:11And now we just have one more.
37:15Follow my dreams.
37:18I will.
37:20And that's the last one.
37:22You can stop the clock if you want.
37:24That's not how it works.
37:26I've done every single task.
37:28Well, all the information you need is in the task.
37:32Ugh.
37:34No.
37:36This is not a good sign.
37:45I feel like I'm in a horror movie.
37:47Do all the tasks on the roof.
37:49Is there a task on the roof?
37:51Oh, there's a task on the roof.
37:54Okay, I can't read it.
37:56I've got to go downstairs.
37:58No!
38:01High five, Paul.
38:05Stop the clock.
38:16I feel like Abby deserves some counselling after that.
38:20Yeah, I think me sitting on the glass at the end.
38:23You know that portrait of a woman who's like this?
38:26Yes.
38:27Yeah, it was like that.
38:29It was true despair, sadness and...
38:31Well, you were there.
38:33I know.
38:35I know, but I was trying to be sassy for the television.
38:39Be sassy, so?
38:41I was trying to be sassy for the television
38:43and provide entertainment for all of you.
38:45There's a little bit of karma there, Abby,
38:47cos you're not supposed to leave anyone hanging.
38:49Yeah, that's true.
38:51The interesting thing for you, Tom, and you as well, Hayley,
38:54is that you had no idea why on earth you'd finished.
38:56No, we did.
38:59I don't know.
39:01So what were the times?
39:03Tom high-fived me after 31 minutes and 26 seconds.
39:06Hayley, 43 minutes and 8 seconds.
39:09Abby, one hour, 10 minutes and 41 seconds.
39:13OK, so by my calculations, Paul, there's still one contestant left.
39:18Yes.
39:19Last but not least, but also not most,
39:21I like all the contestants equally.
39:24It's Toefinger.
39:26What's the tusk on the roof?
39:29And what's the tusk on the roof?
39:32Er, what do you mean?
39:34Oh, don't tell me it's outside.
39:37I'm trying to see if I can find it from here.
39:40Does that look like a tusk up there?
39:42I've got bad eyes, mate.
39:44Can you go up there and read it for me?
39:46It says high-five Paul.
39:48Yeah!
39:50I mean...
39:52Stop the clock.
39:56So it turns out that it's one of the easiest tasks
40:00we've ever had on Taskmaster.
40:02He didn't even regard the ceiling.
40:05He must have been like, I guess that's for another task.
40:09I was changed.
40:12I am starting to detect there's a bit of a through line
40:15going on here with Toefinger, though.
40:17He gets you to do absolutely everything.
40:19He's incredibly polite, so I'm happy to help.
40:22So how long did he take in the end?
40:24It wasn't quite as quick as it looked,
40:26cos Toefinger, he definitely doesn't move with a lot of urgency.
40:30So 10 minutes and 18 seconds.
40:33What were you doing for 10 minutes and 18 seconds?
40:36He sits there for a bit and then we sort of just meandered out.
40:40Yeah.
40:42But still, even at that pace, he did beat Abbie by over an hour.
40:48You're saying, so he cooked the meat for less.
40:55With that time, that means one point for Abbie,
40:58two points for Hayley, three points for Tom,
41:01four points for Ben and five points for Toefinger.
41:06OK.
41:08So if that task has inspired you to go and check your roof
41:11for any secret messages, now is your chance.
41:14We'll be back with a live task
41:16and the winner of episode one after these ads.
41:24APPLAUSE
41:33Tena tatou. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
41:36where we're about to find out which lucky comedian
41:39will be forced to take home five of the worst cups in existence.
41:44But before we get on to our live task,
41:46we'd better have a little squiz at the old scoreboard, Paul.
41:49So anyone can win it tonight, apart from Tom.
41:52Winning it by one point on 14 is Abbie Howells.
41:58OK, you lot, please head to the stage for the live task.
42:06All right, can someone talk me through what's happening here?
42:09Tom Sainsbury, could you please read this task?
42:12Ooh.
42:14Simultaneously toss both your shoes off the stage.
42:18Furthest apart landed shoes, each round will be eliminated.
42:23The first round, you must throw the shoes with one in each hand.
42:27You cannot attach your shoes together in any way.
42:30Last person standing wins.
42:32Abbie, please throw from your mat. You may not move your mat.
42:36Golly.
42:37Let me smell yours. Let me brand new.
42:39Good luck, Abbie. Thank you. You'll smell like mustard.
42:42LAUGHTER
42:44Now you're going to have mustard hands.
42:46Sorry. Excuse me, can you let me focus on that?
42:49Excuse me, I'm talking to mustard hands here.
42:53Oh, lovely. That was a good try.
42:57Dan. Here we go.
43:01Oh! That's close.
43:03Feeling good.
43:04So Hayley's chosen a sort of black leather loafer with a buckle.
43:08Classic mustard hands, right?
43:12Oh, it fell favourably.
43:15Lovely.
43:16No, it's terrible.
43:17Oh!
43:18Yeah, it's too bouncy.
43:19Wait for it, wait for it.
43:21Oh!
43:24Eliminated in round one, Madeline Sami.
43:27Really well.
43:28Representing Tofini.
43:30It was thrilling.
43:31Paul, do you want a shoe boy? I could be a shoe boy.
43:33What is a shoe boy?
43:34Yeah, the shoes, like the tennis ball boy.
43:36I might take you up on that.
43:39You'll be throwing both shoes simultaneously in your weak hand.
43:45Lovely!
43:46Oh, bad ball.
43:51Oh, for God's sake.
43:54Oh!
43:59Abbey, 84.5 centimetres.
44:05Dramatic.
44:06Look at the suspense.
44:08Tom's shoes, 91 centimetres.
44:11Oh, rats!
44:14My God, shoe boy, thank you so much.
44:15Thank you, thank you.
44:17For round three, you will be throwing the shoes simultaneously over your heads without looking.
44:28It couldn't get worse.
44:30They're actually in different postcodes.
44:34Oh!
44:37So Hayley needs Ben to have a shocker here.
44:39You suck.
44:43Oh!
44:45Hayley, you are eliminated.
44:47Well done, Hayley.
44:48Sorry, I nuked you.
44:53For the final round, you will kick the shoes with your feet, one at a time.
44:57One at a time.
44:59Oh, that's good.
45:00Yes!
45:03Oh!
45:04That's good!
45:07That's good.
45:10That's good.
45:14Oh!
45:16OK.
45:17This is not a bad place to be there, I reckon.
45:25The winner of the live task, Abbey Howell.
45:30Come on down, everyone, and we'll give out some points.
45:36How did that all go, Paul?
45:37So, in order of elimination, we have one point for Tofinga via Madeline,
45:41two points for Tom, three points for Hayley, four points for Ben,
45:45and five points for Abbey Howells,
45:47which means the winner of episode one of season five of Taskmaster is Abbey Howells.
45:54There we go.
45:55Abbey.
45:57Congratulations, Abbey.
45:59You are now the proud owner of a collection of truly terrible cups.
46:02Go up and enjoy your bounty.
46:07Our first episode of the season in the can,
46:10but what did we learn?
46:12We learned that two out of five football celebrations end in marriage.
46:17We learned that the difference between a ceiling and a roof is your sanity.
46:22And most importantly, we learned that Abbey Howells is the winner of episode one.
46:28Congratulations, Abbey.
46:30Thanks so much for watching.
46:31We'll see you next time.
46:32Ka kite anō.
46:40Ka kite anō.
46:49Did someone say we're all lying?
46:56Well done, old chap.
47:00Possibly the greatest thing that's ever happened in the history of New Zealand.