8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown. S01 E01.
First broadcast 26th July 2013.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Rhod Gilbert
Jason Manford
Danny Dyer
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Rhod Gilbert
Jason Manford
Danny Dyer
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:35playing the numbers game, it's John Richardson.
00:39Rod help us, it's Rod Gilbert.
00:42And facing them tonight, standing in for Sean Locke, it's Lee Mack.
00:48Back to school, it's Rob Beckett.
00:51In Dictionary Corner, he's lost for words, it's Tim Key.
00:56To put a spell on you, it's Susie Dent.
01:00And you can count on her, it's Rachel Riley.
01:04Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
01:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:13Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:17a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:20Did you know, for example, there have been over 5,500 episodes
01:24of Countdown since its launch in 1982?
01:27I know what you're thinking, it feels like more.
01:31And new words are always being added to the dictionary.
01:34The word chocoholic was first used in 1961
01:37to describe someone addicted to chocolate,
01:39whereas the word cockaholic was first used in 1981
01:42to describe your mum.
01:45Right, let's get started.
01:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:55OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, it's Jon Richardson.
01:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:02Jon's friends call him Rico, which goes somewhere towards
02:05explaining why I've never heard anyone call you Rico.
02:09In 2003, Jon was living as a lonely, friendless,
02:12unloved single man in Swindon, but all that's changed now.
02:15Jon now lives in London.
02:18I don't care. I'm on Countdown again.
02:22Very terrific, isn't it? And Jon's team-mate is none other than Rod Gilbert.
02:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:31Rod speaks Welsh fluently, which is why tonight
02:34he might pick nine consonants and no vowels.
02:38I hate to interrupt you so quickly in this show,
02:40but I don't speak Welsh fluently.
02:42How much Welsh do you speak?
02:44It's very hard to quantify a language.
02:46About 73% of it.
02:50Up against them this evening are one of the funniest,
02:52best-loved and most hilarious comedians in Britain.
02:55Couldn't make it because he's unwell.
02:57So here, instead of Sean Lock, it's Lee Mack.
03:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:04And Lee's team-mate is Rob Beckett.
03:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:11Rob is really looking forward to getting his teeth into Countdown,
03:15which means there won't be much of it left.
03:19Bloody hell, Jimmy, pot kettle black!
03:24OK, over in Dictionary Corner we have poet Tim Key.
03:27APPLAUSE
03:30Tim Key is a poet and philosopher,
03:32which is a nice way of saying long-term unemployed.
03:35LAUGHTER
03:37Are you excited to be here?
03:39Yeah, I love this show, so it's quite a thrill.
03:42I never missed an episode.
03:44LAUGHTER
03:46There's been 5,500.
03:48Oh, yeah. No, I've missed about 5,500.
03:51LAUGHTER
03:52I've seen ten episodes.
03:54LAUGHTER
03:55And with Tim, as ever in Dictionary Corner, it's Susie Dent.
03:58APPLAUSE
04:01Susie is the current president of the Johnson Society,
04:04which rather disappointingly celebrates the life of Samuel Johnson.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:08And, of course, in charge of numbers is Rachel Riley.
04:11APPLAUSE
04:15With her striking good looks, blonde hair and tight mini dresses,
04:18it's safe to say that Rachel's probably killed off more old men
04:21than a winter cold snap.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:25Now, how do you think you two are going to work as a team?
04:28We'll be all right, won't we?
04:30I'm slightly anxious.
04:31Can I just point out I've never seen Countdown?
04:33LAUGHTER
04:35So you're on the show, you've been on more episodes than you've seen.
04:38So far, yes.
04:40LAUGHTER
04:41If I can be asked to watch this back, it'll be a draw.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:46Doesn't bode well, does it?
04:48I'm slightly dubious about the fact that you think there's an H in rod,
04:51to be honest. That's a fact.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:55APPLAUSE
04:59Can I use Welsh words, anyone?
05:01Susie?
05:02There are two Welsh words in the dictionary, corgi and penguin.
05:05There you go.
05:06APPLAUSE
05:10There are two Welsh words in your dictionary?
05:12No, there are probably a lot more.
05:14But the ones that you wouldn't guess to be Welsh.
05:16So what was that fact, non-fact?
05:18I didn't know penguin was a Welsh word.
05:20I'm not sure penguin isn't a Welsh word.
05:22If you're in a post office and you need something to write with,
05:25you say, can I have a penguin?
05:27LAUGHTER
05:29APPLAUSE
05:32Rob, are you good at spelling?
05:34Not great at spelling.
05:35I didn't realise mortgage was spelled with two Gs until I googled it.
05:38That's probably why they won't give me one.
05:40Is it too late to ask for a different person on my side?
05:43LAUGHTER
05:45I was getting shown.
05:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
05:50All I've been to is, I've been doing Team Spirit.
05:53I might not get the right answers, but we can have a laugh.
05:56Have a bit of fun.
05:58I'm more competitive than that. I'd rather have a miserable time and win.
06:01I might have sex.
06:03I'm all in for Team Spirit, but I'm not having sex with you.
06:08Have you got a mascot, Jon?
06:10Oh, yeah, I brought a little picture to spur me on.
06:13I brought a little picture of Shane. That's the dog I sponsor.
06:17You sponsor a dog?
06:19And it's got my mascot on the back.
06:21Look at that. That's me.
06:23A little picture of Jon.
06:25How come you sponsored a dog, not bought a dog?
06:27Because some people get dogs and turn out to be dicks.
06:30You've sponsored him in the long term.
06:32I thought you meant for a one-off event like the marathon.
06:36I've never seen him, though. I got a letter saying,
06:39if you come and see Shane, you should be advised you're not allowed to touch him.
06:43I'm sort of hoping they're sent to everyone who sponsors him.
06:47I mean, he was born in 2002,
06:49so there's a chance he's dead and they haven't told me.
06:54I'm just going to pop him there.
06:56The other part of this is numbers, isn't it?
06:58Yes!
07:00Yes, it is.
07:03I don't know...
07:05I don't know if people are gambling on this at home,
07:08but if you are, I would say this is a good time to back Lee and Rob
07:11and know at least what the show is going to involve.
07:14I know what is involved in running a marathon. I couldn't do one.
07:18I'm not very good at numbers, you know.
07:20I went out after a Wales victory and got so drunk
07:23that for the first time in my life
07:25an actual tangible bit of my brain has disappeared.
07:30I've had my PIN number for about 25 years.
07:34And it's gone.
07:38Actually gone.
07:40Rachel, what's his PIN number?
07:42I'm just slightly worried for him
07:44if his version of maths is remembering his PIN number.
07:47Can you explain that, Rachel? Seriously?
07:49It'd be great if halfway through the show you remembered it
07:51and you went, oh, it's 1864!
07:53Can't use it now!
07:56No, it's not... Why would that happen?
07:58She's not a brain surgeon.
08:01I think you're mixing up maths with mental health.
08:06She could help you with that.
08:08I've got this rash on the inside of my thigh.
08:11What's that mean, nervous?
08:13Mate, I'll sort it out for you.
08:16Right, tonight our teams will be competing for this countdown teapot.
08:23How well trained are you as an audience?
08:26Still a surprise.
08:28Time for the first game. Lee and Rob, you get the first pick of the letters.
08:32Er, yes, thank you, I'll have a letter.
08:36Two types of letters!
08:39Do we guess on this as well, or is it just them?
08:41Have you been living in Britain at all?
08:46Shall we have a vowel? Yeah, let's do that.
08:48Now, what do you think we should do next?
08:50We need a bit of both, don't we?
08:52Consonant.
08:55B.
08:56U, B.
08:57Hey, U, B, lovely.
09:03I'll do all the letters, then the next round you can do all the letters.
09:06I'm really not bothered about choosing, to be honest.
09:09Can I have a consonant, please, Carol?
09:11Sorry, that's it.
09:20Can I have a consonant, please, Rachel?
09:24W.
09:25W.
09:26A consonant, please.
09:28H.
09:29Ooh, I like Hs.
09:31The vowel one, please, the vowel one.
09:33A.
09:34Pardon?
09:35A.
09:39Another vowel, please, another vowel.
09:42E.
09:43E? I'll just write that down, I'll be with you in a moment.
09:46Right, I've got a word here, I'm trying to work out what letter I want next.
09:49I've got it, I've got it, I'll have an F, please.
09:53An F?
09:54No, an F, I need an F.
09:55Have you ever seen...?
09:56What is it?
09:57Have you not got a monitor?
09:58Oh, yeah, we do, we've got... Oh, look at this!
10:02I didn't know about that!
10:04You're in here!
10:06I thought that was a little borrower that had got trapped.
10:10I thought if you got bored, it was something else on.
10:13It's hard for me to watch you on a screen,
10:15because usually when I'm doing that, I have to shut the curtains.
10:19Sorry.
10:24This has descended so fast!
10:28N.
10:29Vowel.
10:30Last one.
10:31Vowel.
10:32I.
10:33Well, for the first time today, let's count down.
10:35Wait, I'm not ready.
10:36Oh, God.
10:48LAUGHTER
11:08What have you got?
11:09Can I just check? Is that going to be...
11:11Can we be doing that constantly? I can't concentrate with that.
11:14That's actually happening, isn't it?
11:16It's in my ear. I'm trying to concentrate.
11:18It's big, isn't it?
11:21How did you not think that was going to be making a noise?
11:23I just thought it was something they put on the post-production.
11:26I didn't think it was going to be going...
11:28You thought we would just be having some quiet time.
11:31OK, so how many letters? Rob?
11:33Three, four, six.
11:35Six, OK. The fact that you went three, four, six.
11:38OK, Lee, how many letters?
11:40Er, six.
11:43Jon?
11:44Er, I've got a seven, but it's definitely not a word.
11:50We'll come to that in a second.
11:52Er, Rod?
11:54I've got six, but it needs another letter, really.
11:59OK, well, we'll start off with the sixes.
12:01Rob, you first.
12:02Erm, wince.
12:04Wince.
12:05W-H-I-N-C-E.
12:06Is that a word, Susie?
12:07It's a word, but not with the H, so it's only a five.
12:10See, we can't allow that, because you've...
12:12You put a H in, which is unlike you.
12:14Yeah.
12:17Oh, so I can't have that?
12:18No.
12:19That's demoralising, isn't it?
12:20I've got a six, we'll be all right.
12:22Lee, what was your six?
12:23Monkey.
12:26Monkey's a word, isn't it?
12:28It's a word. It's not a word in here, though.
12:31No.
12:32Have you got to use those letters?
12:36I thought you had to...
12:38I thought you had to think of the longest word you could think of.
12:43All right, so in that case, it's three.
12:47What's your three-letter word?
12:48Ben.
12:49You can have no.
12:52See if it means something else. You never know.
12:54Ben will be a weird word, like it'll be some sort of, you know,
12:57type of spatula.
12:58Yeah, in Scotland, it's a high mountain or a mountain peak.
13:01Ben, there we go.
13:02Of course.
13:03Rod, what have you got?
13:04Well, the one I was really pleased with was chewing,
13:07except there was no G.
13:09But I had chew-in, like with an apostrophe.
13:13We can't let you have that.
13:14Literally couldn't give a toss.
13:17He's looking like Ben could win this.
13:23The first person to get a three-letter championship, Ben.
13:27Jon.
13:28If you can beach a whale, then maybe you can unbeach a whale.
13:32You know, like Greenpeace do when they pour water on it
13:35and tip it back in the sea.
13:37Unbeach.
13:38Or, like, if you've been to Morecambe and you've had a lovely weekend,
13:41you say, come on, kids, unbeach yourself, get in the car.
13:44Please let Ben be the winner.
13:46I think it might be. Unbeach is not in, I'm afraid.
13:50So, Lee, you get your team three points for the word Ben.
14:00Susie, who do they have done any better?
14:02Well, yeah, they could.
14:03I've got a few.
14:04I've got he.
14:08Be.
14:09We.
14:10In.
14:11And, fairly annoyingly for you, a.
14:15You can have wahine.
14:17That's the name of a monkey.
14:21Just remind them of wahine.
14:24I think Lee's going to have to apologise to Maori women everywhere.
14:27Cos that's what they are.
14:28I wish that was in English.
14:29There's no way that's possible.
14:32If you're too lazy to say washing machine,
14:34I can see how that word is useful.
14:36There's no way that's in English.
14:39OK, so at the end of that, Lee's team have three,
14:41Jon's team have zero.
14:46On to our first numbers round. Jon, you to pick the numbers.
14:49Shall I do this, since you have no idea what's going on?
14:52Probably best.
14:53Hi, Rachel.
14:54Hi, Jon.
14:55Can I have...
14:58Can I have one big one and five small ones, please?
15:01You can. Thank you, Jon.
15:02One big one and five little ones.
15:04Oh, the sexual tension is killing me.
15:08And they are...
15:14And your big one, 100.
15:21Let's count down.
15:34CLOCK TICKS
15:54Have you got to try and add them up into the number at the top?
15:58What did you get?
15:59The number I'm supposed to get.
16:02What did you get, Rob?
16:03I think I got 768.
16:04Yeah, that's what I got.
16:05OK, Lee, I got 768.
16:07I got 768, but I haven't written it down.
16:09Oh, there we go.
16:11You might as well write down 769, though, I noticed.
16:26Too brutal. Whose side are you on?
16:30Jon, talk me through your working. What did you do?
16:32I said 100 minus 4...
16:35100 minus 4, 96.
16:37..times by 8...
16:38Yeah, you're there.
16:39..is 768.
16:40Well done.
16:45It's a very basic way of doing it, I guess.
16:48Rod?
16:49I think I've just gone horribly wrong here.
16:52100 times 7 is 700.
16:549 x 8 is 72.
16:56That's 772.
16:58Take away 4.
17:00Well done. 768.
17:02Can I just say I did it exactly the same way?
17:04Yeah, I did the same thing.
17:05Bertus?
17:07Is that all right?
17:08What's that say?
17:09Fuck you.
17:11Is that premature?
17:13Is that premature? Sorry.
17:16I did do it the same way. Look, it's on there.
17:19OK, so ten points to each team there.
17:25OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
17:27Tim, what have you got for us?
17:28I've got an acrostic.
17:30An acrostic?
17:31An acrostic. Do you know what that is?
17:33No.
17:34You need to see a doctor about it.
17:36An acrostic is where you...
17:37I've got a poem but it's written as an acrostic
17:39where the letters come down on one side
17:42and then you make a poem going across
17:44using the letters from the word that's going down.
17:46That sounds very difficult to do.
17:48This is based on Countdown.
17:50Right.
17:51So I've got... It's the show.
17:52And so Countdown goes down there
17:55and then I've written a poem using the words going across
17:59with the letters starting the words.
18:01Shit yourself when you got to that W, didn't you?
18:03Someone was overconfident with the CL.
18:05Yeah.
18:12Only on Countdown did you hear the phrase,
18:14you shit yourself when you got to that W.
18:18I'm dying to hear this now. Go on, Tim.
18:20Yeah, but also it's a haiku as well,
18:22so it means that the first line has got five syllables
18:25and the second one seven and the third one five
18:28and the theme is Countdown.
18:30And because of all of those restrictions, it's shit.
18:36OK, consonants useful.
18:39I missed the O.
18:50Numbers too difficult-ish,
18:53because it needed to be seven,
18:55so numbers too difficult-ish,
18:58which just leaves five syllables and O-W-N.
19:01I've nailed it.
19:02Only Whiteley knows, and there's no's without the K.
19:13OK, let's have a quick check-in on the scores.
19:15Jon and Rod are on ten, Lee and Rob are on 13.
19:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:22And here is your teaser.
19:24The words are achy tits and the clue is refraining from pleasure.
19:28That's achy tits, refraining from pleasure.
19:31See you after the break.
19:42Welcome back.
19:43The answer to the teaser, the words were achy tits
19:45and the clue was refraining from pleasure.
19:47And, of course, chastity.
19:51OK, Lee and Rob are in the lead.
19:53It's time to mix things up a bit.
19:55You've been playing in teams so far,
19:56but this letters round is for Lee and Jon only.
19:59So, Lee, your turn to choose the letters.
20:01No help?
20:02No help.
20:03Oh, like that, is it?
20:04I mean, last time you wrote...
20:05I mean, you've got Ben on your own, so you'll be fine.
20:08Thank you very much.
20:10Can I have a consonant, please?
20:12S
20:13Oh.
20:14Vowel.
20:16Please be an M. I've got another name coming.
20:19Consonant, please. If it's an M, we're in.
20:21G
20:23Oh, I hope we've got a G and a Y and a tits.
20:28Can I have a consonant, please?
20:30M
20:31Oh, that's really sag-a-loo as well.
20:33All right.
20:34Vowel, please.
20:36E
20:37Can I have a consonant, please?
20:40T
20:41And a vowel.
20:43I
20:44Back on for tits, mate.
20:47Consonant, then. Consonant.
20:49S
20:50I can still do it. Give me that consonant. Come on.
20:52The last one.
20:53D
20:54OK, let's count down.
21:17So, what have you got, Lee and Jon?
21:19Er, I've got a nine.
21:21A nine.
21:23And, Jon, what have you got?
21:26Have you?
21:28Oh, shit.
21:30I've definitely got an eight.
21:32You've definitely got an eight.
21:34I've got loads of eights.
21:36Have you got a nine?
21:38I've got a nine.
21:40I've got a nine.
21:42I've got a nine.
21:44I've got loads of eights.
21:46Have you got a nine?
21:47OK, so what is your eight, Jon?
21:49Er, sandiest.
21:51Sandiest. Like, the sandiest.
21:53As in, we all unbeached ourselves, but I had...
22:02OK, what have you got? What's your nine-letter word, Lee Mack?
22:06Steadings.
22:08Oh, amazing.
22:10It's in.
22:14No.
22:18Steadings.
22:20You see, I don't know very much all or nothing.
22:23I'm very much a multiple of three person.
22:26I used to have a name of six.
22:28Be honest, Lee, are you as surprised as everyone else,
22:30and that is a word?
22:31I'm on the outside, I'm trying to look cool.
22:33Inside, I'm going, I can't believe it.
22:35This reminds me of the first time I had sex.
22:37Lee...
22:38How did that happen?
22:40How the hell did that happen?
22:43What does it mean?
22:44What does it mean? Well, you put your penis inside a...
22:48Well, a steading is a sort of...
22:51Something to do with maybe farms or something,
22:53like an area of land.
22:55A homestead.
22:56A farmstead, yeah.
22:57A farmstead.
22:58Well, I'm...
22:59Literally, I've lost the ability to speak.
23:03Nothing makes sense anymore.
23:06Well, I'm going to retire now.
23:08Can we get a close-up on Jon's face?
23:09I've never seen anyone look more shocked and disappointed
23:11at the same time.
23:14The most embarrassing thing about getting it,
23:16and never in the history of the show,
23:17has Dick Cheney-Corner ever gone...
23:21This will bring down the whole show!
23:23I'm going to just look into the eyes of the dog you've had killed.
23:27I'm not sponsoring him anymore.
23:30To live with me on my steadings.
23:34Sponsor me.
23:39So, Lee, you got 18 points for that.
23:41Just out of interest...
23:42You get double points, do you?
23:43You get double points, yes.
23:44Wow. Wow, I didn't know that.
23:45That's a right result.
23:47Just out of interest, Tim,
23:48could they have done any better than that?
23:50I almost got goat.
23:53No-o.
23:54She got steadings.
23:55Of course she got steadings.
23:57She's got a massive book to help her out.
24:00Can you just put your arm round the book like that,
24:02just in case they are...
24:03OK.
24:04I think Lee can see across.
24:05There you go.
24:06The ability to see a dictionary from this distance
24:08is more impressive than getting steadings.
24:12If the next answer's English, we know he's cheating.
24:16You must be a bit annoyed, John, cos...
24:18I'm fucking fine about it!
24:27The confidence that you had, Sandesh,
24:29you've underlined it.
24:31Do you know why I underlined it?
24:33I know you've underlined it, cos you underlined it...
24:35Cos last time I wrote something else down,
24:37I felt like an idiot.
24:39It's funny, cos you put Sandesh and underlined it,
24:42and I wrote steadings and framed it with a little...
24:46Can we just do the fucking conundrum?
24:49Yeah, do the conundrum.
24:50I'm quite good with nine-letter ones.
24:56You won't let me know if I'm getting too cocky, will you?
24:58I'm not going to engage me.
25:00So, John and Rod have ten points,
25:02Lee and Rob have 31.
25:04Wow!
25:07Right.
25:08Now time for Rob and Rod to go head-to-head in this numbers round.
25:12It's just you guys.
25:13So, Rod, you're to pick the numbers.
25:15Yes, I do, you little prick.
25:22What am I doing?
25:23You're picking the numbers.
25:24If you pick the numbers,
25:25nice Rachel will give you the numbers.
25:27I'll just pick a seven...
25:28I've got four big ones.
25:30I'm just going to go off the shelf and have four big ones, please.
25:33You know, that's the hardest combination.
25:35No, maybe not, then.
25:36Four big ones.
25:37No, maybe put three of them back.
25:42And five little ones.
25:43I don't mind how many, whatever.
25:44Yeah, OK.
25:46So, one big one and five little ones.
25:48Right, your little ones are
25:50one, five, eight, nine,
25:54another eight and the large one, 50.
25:56And your target...
25:57427.
25:59Are we out, or is it just these two?
26:00Just these two.
26:01Oh, right, OK.
26:02427 is the target. Let's count down.
26:03Wait, wait, wait. Oh, shit.
26:07What's it? 427.
26:28Shut up!
26:29I'm saving.
26:37Rob, what have you got?
26:39A headache.
26:41I've got to...
26:42Oh, that's embarrassing.
26:43I've got to 500.
26:45And that finished.
26:48So, Rob, no points for you, because you weren't close enough.
26:50No, I was really not near it.
26:52I mean, I was going to do eight times eight
26:54and then take that off the 500, but I just couldn't do it.
26:58I sort of know what it is, but I just...
27:00That's going on. There's a lot of people here.
27:04I went to a comp and I did big maths classes,
27:06but this is ridiculous.
27:08OK, Rob, what did you get?
27:10Well, it depends.
27:13Well, it shouldn't depend. I mean, you should have something that...
27:16I can do 423, I reckon, if you push me.
27:19423, so how did you do it?
27:21I did it like this.
27:2550 times eight.
27:2650 times eight, 400.
27:28Plus nine, plus eight, plus five, plus one.
27:30Eight, nine, and five, and one, and 23.
27:35Boom.
27:36Four away, seven points.
27:38You get seven points for that. That's pretty good.
27:40Tim.
27:43Tim, please.
27:44Well, unless it's like a trick question,
27:46this one's quite easy, isn't it?
27:48No.
27:50Tim, how would you have done it?
27:52Well, get the 400 and then make 27.
27:5650 times eight.
27:5750 times eight for the 400.
27:59Yeah.
28:00And then eight minus five...
28:03Is three.
28:04Could you find us a nine?
28:05I could find you a nine.
28:06OK, 27, and then...
28:08Yeah, add it on.
28:09Et voilà .
28:16Let's check in on those scores.
28:17Jon and Rod are on 17, Lee and Rob have 31 points.
28:22And here is your teaser.
28:23The words are DICKSPIT,
28:25and the clue is SOMETHING LONG AND COVERED IN OIL.
28:30That's DICKSPIT, SOMETHING LONG AND COVERED IN OIL.
28:33See you after the break.
28:44Welcome back.
28:45The answer is DICKSPIT,
28:46and the clue is SOMETHING LONG AND COVERED IN OIL.
28:50Welcome back.
28:51The answer to the teaser, the words were DICKSPIT,
28:53and the clue was SOMETHING LONG AND COVERED IN OIL.
28:55It was, of course, DIPSTICK.
28:58OK, before we move on,
28:59Rachel, I've noticed that Susie always has a sidekick,
29:02so I thought it was only fair that you got one too.
29:05Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
29:06Rachel's top personal assistant, Joe Wilkinson.
29:20APPLAUSE
29:25Joe?
29:26Joe, are you excited to be Rachel's assistant?
29:28Oh, God, yeah.
29:29Yes.
29:30I'm going to sit down, actually.
29:31Oh, you'll sit yourself down?
29:32Yeah.
29:33Yeah, yeah.
29:34Very excited.
29:35I'm ready.
29:36I've got a...
29:39That could have been a lot worse when you opened your coat, yeah.
29:43I've got me Countdown utility belt and fanny pack on this.
29:48I've got everything Rachel will need during the show.
29:53Pens, pencils, Post-it notes, got some Johnnies.
30:01Calculator, thing for drawing.
30:05Got a tranquiliser dart.
30:09And in the fanny pack, I've just got some gammon.
30:16Right.
30:18APPLAUSE
30:22What do you think Rachel needs the most assistance with?
30:25The main issue is, apparently, Rachel tends to sniff the toxic pens.
30:31Even high as a cart, she's blinded at this, so...
30:34Keep her steady, that's the main thing.
30:36Steady as shit, that's what I mean.
30:38That's why I've got the gammon.
30:41Well, Rachel, Joe's going to be with you throughout the rest of the show.
30:44I can't believe your luck.
30:45Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
30:46Brilliant.
30:47APPLAUSE
30:52So you're playing as teams again.
30:54John and Rod, time for you to pick the letters.
30:56Hi, Rachel.
30:57Hi, John.
30:59Hello, John.
31:00Oh, I remember you from last time.
31:02Different glasses, sat next to me, ruined it for me.
31:07Can I have a consonant, please?
31:09I'll do it, I'll do it.
31:10Do you want to do the vowels?
31:11Yeah, I'll do the whole lot.
31:12Have a pickle gherkin, I'll do it.
31:14Consonant, pop it in the middle.
31:16Am I supposed to open it?
31:18Oh, you can have it, yeah, I'll do that in a minute.
31:20I'll have a vowel, please.
31:21Have a vowel.
31:35Can I have another consonant, please, mate?
31:38LAUGHTER
31:42I'll have another vowel, please.
31:44I've got... Yep.
31:46Er...
31:49Add a consonant.
31:50God, bloody old greedy buzz.
31:55Add a consonant.
31:56Er...
31:58And another vowel.
31:59Add two, sod it.
32:03All right, then.
32:04I've got to remind you, there's only one vowel in it.
32:06I've got to remind you, there is a consonant hidden behind one of the E's.
32:09I don't know which one. I'll have one last consonant.
32:20OK, your time starts now.
32:37LAUGHTER
33:01What have you got?
33:03Four.
33:05OK, a little bit of honesty there. Lee?
33:07Six.
33:08OK, Jon?
33:09Seven. I've got no jokes.
33:11Just, we need the points now, so that's...
33:14OK, Rob, what have you got?
33:16Six.
33:17OK, let's go Rob first.
33:19Mol.
33:20What, sorry?
33:21Mol.
33:22As in...
33:23M-O-L-E.
33:24Right.
33:25It's very hard to get a one-syllable word that's making it sound so common.
33:29OK, what have you got, Lee?
33:31Lemon.
33:32You could have both put the S on, but one more.
33:34No, it was lemons, I forgot to say...
33:36Lemons.
33:37Oh, lemons.
33:38I could have had moles, couldn't I?
33:40LAUGHTER
33:41What did you get, Rob?
33:43Well, to be honest, I forgot about the other E.
33:46So I had lemons, but I've got a seven now that the other E's up there.
33:50Is it the one that you've seen written down on my pad?
33:53LAUGHTER
33:56What have you got, Jon?
33:58I've got females for the first time in my life.
34:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
34:05Susie, Tim, could they have done any better?
34:08Well, you could have... This is a bit obscure.
34:10Flamens, who in Roman history were priests serving particular gods.
34:15I thought you could have enflames, but I failed.
34:17I thought it was there for eight, but it wasn't.
34:19Could you have...?
34:20So, seven was my best.
34:21Would a little girl mole be a female?
34:23LAUGHTER
34:25Joe, do you think they could have done any better?
34:27Ong!
34:28LAUGHTER
34:30OK, after that, let's just check in with the scores.
34:32It looks like Jon's making a comeback with 24.
34:34Lee is still in the lead with 31.
34:36APPLAUSE
34:41OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner again.
34:44Tim, what have you got for us?
34:45Yeah, I've written a poem about Rachel Riley.
34:48Oh!
34:49And it's an actual poem.
34:51LAUGHTER
34:53OK.
34:54Rachel Riley took her letters and her board thing on a date
34:59and only spoke using them.
35:02"'You look lovely,' her dopey date said.
35:06Riley took a consonant, another consonant, a vowel,
35:10a consonant, another consonant, another consonant,
35:15a vowel and a final vowel and wrote,
35:17"'Thank you.'"
35:19LAUGHTER
35:21Then she cleared the board and took a vowel,
35:24a consonant,
35:26a consonant,
35:28a vowel,
35:30a consonant,
35:32a vowel and a consonant and wrote,
35:34"'I'm bored.'"
35:36LAUGHTER
35:38Let's pack up.
35:40"'Can I at least get your number?'
35:42She threw all the tiles at him and wrote,
35:44"'It's in there somewhere.'"
35:46LAUGHTER
35:48And then she wheeled her board back out into her truck
35:50and sped back to her mathematics lair.
35:53LAUGHTER
35:55APPLAUSE
36:01APPLAUSE
36:03I love poetry.
36:05I think it's a lovely way for virgins to express how lonely they are.
36:08LAUGHTER
36:10Here is your final teaser.
36:12The words are ANAL TIME and the clue is
36:14YOU CAN OVERLAY A SURFACE.
36:16That's ANAL TIME.
36:17YOU CAN OVERLAY A SURFACE.
36:19See you after the break.
36:21APPLAUSE
36:25APPLAUSE
36:30Welcome back. The answer to the teaser,
36:32the words were ANAL TIME and the clue was
36:34YOU CAN OVERLAY A SURFACE.
36:36It was, of course, LAMINATE.
36:37OK, time for our final letters game.
36:39Lee and Rob, your turn to choose.
36:41Yep. Vowel.
36:43Er, I brought a standable pointer.
36:45Shall I just put the gherkins on the chair?
36:47Yeah, yeah, bugger me.
36:48You need one of these.
36:50And pop it in the middle.
36:52No, no, don't bother. Pop it in the middle.
36:54I
36:55Can we have another vowel, please?
36:56Er, no, don't pop it in.
36:57A
36:58Another one?
36:59You can't have all, can you?
37:01No, I don't think so.
37:02I don't know what I've done without you all these years.
37:04I know.
37:05O
37:06Got two peas in a pod, haven't we?
37:08The other one?
37:09G
37:10This OK?
37:11Yep.
37:12Consonant. Is that right?
37:13Yeah, put it...
37:14Anyway, J.
37:15Erm, again?
37:17Yeah.
37:20Vowel now, please.
37:21I'll do it.
37:24And I'll let you two, you can choose one each.
37:26Oh, I'll have a vowel.
37:28Let's have another vowel.
37:35Rachel's taking issue with that.
37:37Well, I know he's in training, but we have to have four consonants.
37:40Let's stick up a consonant, then.
37:42And then the time starts...
37:44Can you wait a second to write them down before you start that ruddy clock?
37:48It's getting on my tits.
37:51OK, let's count down.
37:58CLOCK TICKS
38:24Lee, what have you got?
38:26I've got a risky ten.
38:33What have you got?
38:34I've got an eight.
38:35You've got an eight. Oh, well, OK.
38:37A dubious four.
38:39OK. Jon, what have you got?
38:41A six.
38:42A six. OK.
38:44Normally, you're a little bit more competitive than this, but that's OK.
38:47I've got a fucking six, mate.
38:49OK, Rog.
38:50All I've got is gherkin, but I couldn't tell if I was looking at the jar or...
38:57APPLAUSE
39:04I think you need an H, don't you?
39:06Yeah, you do need an H, but the bloody jar of them is there.
39:09It's the power of suggestion and putting the gherkins up there.
39:12OK, so that doesn't count.
39:13I think I was playing catchphrase.
39:15What was your four?
39:17My four was gnorc.
39:21Not in gnorc.
39:23Beautifully done.
39:24It's in the dictionary. Is it?
39:26It's in the dictionary, yeah. You can have a single.
39:28What is the description of a gnorc?
39:30It just says a woman's breast.
39:32OK, and Jon, what was your six?
39:34Regained.
39:35Very nice.
39:40Lee, what was your eight?
39:43Re-oaking.
39:46Let me tell you a story.
39:47Recently, we put oak flooring down in our house.
39:53We were oaking the floor when we were doing it
39:56and we made a bit of a mess with it.
39:58Before you knew it, we were re-oaking it.
40:01Is re-oaking in?
40:02What do you think, is that a word?
40:04Oak is not in.
40:05Well, have a look again.
40:08I'd like you to change mine to three.
40:12Tim, could they have done any better?
40:14I don't think so.
40:19I meant more, was it possible not there?
40:22It's very possible, there's loads.
40:27I've got anorak.
40:28Very good.
40:30Inuit word, that's very good.
40:32OK, six points to Jon's team there.
40:39OK, so Jon and Rob have 30, Lee and Rob have 31.
40:43There's only one point in it as we go into our final game.
40:46Jon and Rob, pick your numbers.
40:48One big'un, two big'uns, one big'un, two big'uns,
40:51one big'un, two big'uns, one big'uns.
40:53I'm going to keep saying it.
40:54OK.
40:55One big'un, two big'un, three big'un, four big'un, one big'un.
40:57Scott.
40:58One big'un.
40:59One big'un.
41:00Five lit'luns.
41:01Do you want me to do this?
41:02Yeah, yeah, I'm on my break anyway, so I'll just...
41:06We'll have two big'uns this time.
41:08Let's have two big'uns this time, can we?
41:10Two big'uns? Yeah, you can change your mind.
41:12Maybe instead of one of the little ones.
41:14This is like being with Jimmy Savile at a pick and miss.
41:18LAUGHTER
41:24We've got seven, three, six...
41:29..100, two and 25.
41:32The target, 801.
41:34OK, good luck, everyone.
41:48LAUGHTER
42:10What have you got?
42:12I've got 801.
42:14801? Yeah.
42:16Well, very good considering.
42:20Lee, what have you got?
42:21I've got 801.
42:22OK.
42:23Jon?
42:24I've got 800.
42:27I haven't got 801.
42:31I have.
42:33I've got 800 and three.
42:35Raj, what have you got?
42:36Well, I haven't used everything, but I've got nine.
42:42OK, well, talk me through your nine.
42:44Right.
42:45Six and three.
42:49Is that what you've genuinely got?
42:50Yeah, I could have used the seven and the two, but I've got it.
42:53Why waste time?
42:55OK.
42:56Lee, how did you get 801?
42:58Right, I want you to add the 100 and the two together.
43:02100 and the two, 102.
43:04Now, minus 25.
43:06Minus 25 is 77.
43:08Right, now add the six.
43:10Now add the six, 83.
43:12Yeah, now send that number to Jimmy Carr's account
43:14and he'll just make it work.
43:28I think you'll find the number will be significantly lower than that.
43:32I haven't got it.
43:33To be fair, if I hadn't have done the joke,
43:35I could have added six and two and times it by 100, couldn't I?
43:37You could have done that, mate.
43:38Would have been quite easy.
43:39I could have got Steadings, but I didn't want to be a dick about it.
43:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
43:47Jon, how did you get 800?
43:48I did six plus two is eight.
43:50Six plus two is eight.
43:51Times by 100.
43:52Yeah, one away, 800.
43:55Do you want 801?
43:56Yeah.
43:57Yeah, go on, Rod, go on.
43:58Seven minus three.
43:59Seven minus three is four.
44:01Times two.
44:02Times two...
44:04Yeah, you... Can you get it?
44:06Is eight.
44:07Times 100.
44:08Times 100...
44:09Plus 26.
44:10Plus 26.
44:13Minus the 25.
44:16Where's the 26?
44:17In the middle there.
44:28Could they have got 801?
44:29Yeah. Do you want to see how?
44:30Yeah, go on.
44:31If you say 100 minus three, 97.
44:34Six plus two is eight.
44:36Times two together for 776
44:38and add them, so 25, 801.
44:47Thank you, Jo.
44:48OK, so, Jon, you've got seven points there for being one away.
44:51That means Lee's now got 31, Jon's got 37, he's in the lead.
44:58It's all to play for as we go into our final round.
45:01OK, fingers on buzzers for today's crucial countdown conundrum.
45:06What happened?
45:09Have you got it?
45:10Got it.
45:11What is it?
45:12Stopwatch.
45:24Who would have thought that,
45:25knowing that the Welsh word for stopwatch is twat chops...
45:30One second in...
45:31Yeah, less than that, probably.
45:33I haven't seen such shocked faces since I got Steddings.
45:39I was just looking at it going,
45:40I might have lamb chops for dinner.
45:44I suppose if you've spent your life being called twat chops,
45:47you've started working out games for food.
45:52OK, so the final scores are Lee and Rob have 31 points,
45:55Jon and Rod are the winners with 47.
45:57CHEERING
46:01Congratulations to both, you've won a teapot.
46:06Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
46:09and to all of you watching at home, that's it from us, goodnight.
46:16Same time, same place next week for another episode
46:19of 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
46:22Tomorrow night on 4, more disorganised chaos
46:24when Russell Brand takes the form of Aldous Snow.
46:26Getting him to the Greek is on at half nine.
46:29Next tonight, though, live music, guests galore
46:31and an oversized cloche full of refreshments.
46:34Alan Carr, Chatty Man, is on the way.