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FunTranscript
00:30Here we are.
00:33Strong and sweet.
00:36So's the coffee.
00:40And?
00:41And I've... I've got some digestive biscuits.
00:45May I have a splash more milk?
00:47Two seconds.
00:50What? I'm in the middle of serving guests.
00:52I'm talking to Cynthia Bryce in the supermarket.
00:54She said the Terminator's in town. Get off!
00:56The future robot thing?
00:58The hotel inspector.
01:00That's fine. We've been inspected loads of times.
01:02Not by the Terminator. You know why they call him that, don't you?
01:05Because... Don't say because he's a robot.
01:07Because he has personally closed down over 30 B&Bs.
01:10One speck of dust and it's over.
01:12If we get closed down, how are you going to pay for my street dance lessons?
01:15We can do this. We can all work as a team, get this place cleaned up.
01:19Yeah, I would, but I've got to go out.
01:22And this whole team thing, not really for me.
01:26Huh?
01:27Guest lounge. Dirty cups. Now.
01:31What are these?
01:47Negative on hostiles.
01:49Great. So we can have the cinema as a place we can never go again.
01:54It'll be all right.
01:55I mean, what did we do that was so bad?
01:58We, meaning you, started firing phone balls at people during the film.
02:02It was the big battle scene. I was just trying to 3D things up a little.
02:05Hold up, Charlie!
02:10Wow. He's amazing.
02:14Look how still he is.
02:16That's nothing.
02:17I was hidden in my airing cupboard for eight hours just to ambush my dad.
02:25See what you've got.
02:31Thanks, Bev. I owe you. Bye.
02:34You know Beverley from Glenbrook?
02:36Yes.
02:37She caught some fella last week sniffing her pillowcases.
02:39And?
02:40The Terminator is definitely in town. Get the book.
02:43Right, right.
02:46Right.
02:49What are we looking for?
02:50Someone who's booked in who looks suspicious.
02:52OK.
02:53Oh, Mr MacDonald.
02:54No, no, no. He's been here before. He's the one with the little handbag, isn't he?
02:57Oh, yeah, yeah.
02:58Er...
03:00It's here.
03:01Brian Smith. There. Definitely a fake name.
03:03Arriving tomorrow. Staying for one night. That's him.
03:05Right. We've got 24 hours to get this place ready.
03:08I'm all over it.
03:12Do you want a quick cup of tea?
03:14No, me neither.
03:15No, let's just crack on.
03:16Yeah, yeah. I've got time. I've got time for tea.
03:24Fuck.
03:25What?
03:26You know that biology book we're sharing?
03:28The one you keep forgetting to bring to school?
03:30Sort of.
03:31I thought I'd save you the bother of forgetting it again on Monday.
03:34Fine. What's in my room?
03:38Hannah, what are you still doing in that door?
03:40Look at these fingerprints!
03:42I've got to use my hands, don't I?
03:43Want me to clean the cloth in my mouth?
03:45Then just do it again.
03:48Is your mum all right?
03:49She seems a bit uptight.
03:51Yeah, she's not coping well at the minute.
03:54With her nerves. We're all pitching in.
03:56Oh, no.
03:57I'm not much good at this stuff. I'm useless at cleaning.
04:00Here, let me.
04:05That's brilliant.
04:07Could you do a little bit upstairs?
04:08Oh, well, I suppose I could help for a few.
04:11Thanks, Carol. That's so nice.
04:16Where are you going?
04:17I'm just going to pop into town for a bit.
04:19For supplies.
04:25If this was the jungle, we'd have leeches stuck all over us.
04:28Think you could take that?
04:29I could.
04:32Good work, soldier.
04:36Carry on!
04:40He's in a zen-like state.
04:43He's probably studied for years.
04:49Bet I could make him move.
05:02I don't know why he got so mad.
05:04Now he knows phone balls are his weakness.
05:07Bet someone took his tin of money while he was chasing us.
05:1030p or something. Big deal!
05:12Negative on that.
05:13I'm training myself to observe little details,
05:15so I counted his money.
05:1720, 30 pound?
05:1930 quid for standing about.
05:21It's not as easy as it looks.
05:23Yes, it is.
05:28See?
05:31Let's do it. We can go to the cinema.
05:33See the rest of the film.
05:34Outstanding!
05:35What?
05:36You mean do this in public?
05:38But we're not licensed!
05:48Ahem.
05:50Ah.
05:51John.
05:52Kevin.
05:53Just thought I'd pop across, take a look.
05:56Bit tacky, these, don't you think?
05:58I've just ordered myself some proper statuary.
06:00A big piece.
06:01Imposing.
06:02Right.
06:04Well, I can't uncomfortably squat here all day chatting.
06:07Got to...
06:08Not thinking of using that compost on this soil, are you?
06:11Play havoc with your alkaline levels.
06:13Yeah.
06:14No, yeah, yes.
06:15Yeah, no, yeah, I know that.
06:16I was going to add the, er, the, er, alkaline later.
06:19I do have the green finger.
06:21You want to get that check, then?
06:28Carol?
06:29Hello, Mrs Enright. How are you?
06:31What are you doing?
06:32Hannah said you needed a bit of help around the place.
06:34Did she now?
06:35Hannah!
06:36She isn't here. She's gone to town.
06:38And left you to do all her cleaning?
06:40It's no trouble.
06:41The last thing you want to do is clean.
06:43The last thing you want to do
06:44is to get word up about silly things like this.
06:46Almost finished, anyway.
06:48What, all of it?
06:49Just got to tackle the grouting in the downstairs toilet.
06:52Looks a bit tired.
06:53Oh, Carol, thank you so much.
06:56Oh, it doesn't seem right.
06:57I like cleaning.
06:59It's very relaxing.
07:00And it's good to relax.
07:02Isn't it, Mrs Enright?
07:04Er, yeah.
07:05Yeah, it is, yeah.
07:07Now, how about I put the kettle on
07:09and you put your feet up for a bit?
07:11Oh, well, I do feel a bit tired.
07:13You sure you don't mind?
07:14It's fine, Mrs Enright.
07:16Everything's fine.
07:17Oh.
07:33How much have you made so far?
07:3645p.
07:38What? That's impossible.
07:39I've been on it for ages.
07:40Tour is at 12 o'clock.
07:42Hold it, hold it.
07:44Whee-hoo-hoo!
07:47A smile?
07:48What good's a smile?
07:49I can't eat a smile, can I?
07:55Fed up with this.
07:56Let's go and see how Ben's doing.
08:06Nice one, Ben.
08:07Nice one, Ben.
08:09I'll get us some chips, shall I?
08:11At ease.
08:13Ben!
08:14Sorry, I was in the zone.
08:16It's brilliant just not being me for a bit.
08:20Shall I get you some chips or not?
08:22He's fine.
08:24Rendezvous in a few minutes.
08:38I know you're angry.
08:40That's one word for it.
08:42But this T-shirt was the last one in the shop.
08:44I had no choice.
08:46Lovely.
08:50And if you think about it, Carol did a way better job than me.
08:54So really, you should be thanking me for not cleaning.
08:57Don't worry.
08:58You don't have to do anything around here anymore.
09:00Really?
09:03Carol's agreed to help out part-time
09:05and she's going to do your Saturday shift as well.
09:07But that's my job.
09:09How will I get money?
09:11You won't.
09:13You can't just get rid of me.
09:15All I did was go out and buy a T-shirt.
09:17It's not just that, though, is it?
09:18You've not been pulling your weight for a while.
09:20So that's it?
09:21You're replacing me?
09:24Carol's in and I'm out?
09:27This is so unfair.
09:29You all right, Louie?
09:44You have to be very good, Simon.
09:46They're replacing Hannah with Carol.
09:48If it can happen to her, it can happen to me.
09:53Here you are, Benny.
09:55Cheers.
09:57Cheers.
09:58I'm starving.
10:00Intense concentration and muscle control
10:02really takes it out of you.
10:05How much did we make, then?
10:06£4.30 until Charlie got hungry.
10:09You've eaten all the profits.
10:11Well, I had to do something
10:12while you were here enjoying yourself.
10:14You'll just have to make more tomorrow.
10:16I'm supposed to be getting the shopping in for my gran.
10:19Do you want to see the film or not?
10:21No.
10:22I'm getting the shopping in for my gran.
10:24Do you want to see the film or not?
10:26Fine.
10:28I've probably got a few tins left.
10:38What do you think?
10:40Is that a...?
10:41Gorilla.
10:44Right.
10:45Bit odd, isn't it?
10:46Unique.
10:47A bit like me, in a way.
10:49An imposing presence in an urban jungle.
10:52Yeah.
10:53Yeah, it's all right, I suppose, if you like big monkeys.
10:56Oh, I do.
10:57I have imagination.
10:59Not the type to settle for a couple of gnomes.
11:08A statue.
11:09It sounds expensive.
11:11Or is it a good investment to show the inspector
11:13that we are a quality establishment?
11:16Hello, yes, we're looking for a garden statue.
11:18We'd like a human figure, something classy.
11:22Yeah, I think we'd like a male, about...
11:25How tall?
11:27Four foot.
11:28Might be nice to go taller.
11:30Yeah, somewhere between four and five foot.
11:33Have you got any of those Greeky Roman ones?
11:36I can be Greeky Roman.
11:38What about that one?
11:39Or is that a bit bulky?
11:41It's not like we're going to be feeding him.
11:43I don't need lots of food.
11:45I'm very cheap to keep.
11:47Really?
11:49OK, OK, we'll take the young Roman shepherd boy, please,
11:52and we'll need that delivered first thing tomorrow morning.
11:55OK, bye-bye.
11:56Sorted.
11:57A Roman shepherd boy.
11:59That's really going to impress the inspector.
12:01Oh, shall we get some sheep?
12:03No.
12:13Oh, it's called knocking, Hannah. Let's try that.
12:16Emma and me are supposed to be going skating,
12:18which is why I bought that T-shirt.
12:20But now I have no money.
12:22OK.
12:25Thanks for letting us know.
12:27I want my job back.
12:28Too late.
12:30This isn't over.
12:37That's like a warm pastry hug.
12:41Mmm.
12:42Inspector's going to love this.
12:46Sorry, about breakfast.
12:48Mm-hm.
12:49Oh, those look lovely.
12:51Don't they?
12:52Our Carol, she's quite the pastry chef.
12:56Can I have a croissant?
12:57No.
12:58They're not for ordinary guests.
13:02There you go. Enjoy.
13:11Why aren't you in uniform?
13:13I can't be bothered standing about all day.
13:15It's boring.
13:17I can't make money for the cinema on my own.
13:19I mean, I'm good, but I'm only human.
13:23Look at that. It looks just like you, Ben.
13:26Yeah, if you squint and lower your standards.
13:29No, I mean, it looks just like you.
13:31We could stick it in town. People give it money.
13:34Outstanding.
13:36Sorry, what?
13:38Bill B&B. Got you a statue.
13:40Oh, you brought it to the wrong place.
13:42No, I've got the name and address right.
13:44Look, Enright.
13:45Dad again.
13:47He stepped on a rake and bang!
13:48Right in his face.
13:49And ever since then, he's just not been the same.
13:51Oh, yeah.
13:52Tried to mow the lawn with a bicycle this morning.
13:57Anyway, look, all I know is I've got to deliver this statue.
14:00Yeah, it's quite chippy in town.
14:02No, no, I can only deliver where it says on the system.
14:05Fair enough.
14:06Fair enough.
14:07As long as he doesn't know it was you.
14:09Maurice Lynham.
14:11What?
14:12Well, ever since he had the bang, he has these rages.
14:15I told you to shut up!
14:18It's scary.
14:20I've seen him make grown men cry like little girls.
14:23It's just best if he doesn't know it was you, Maurice Lynham.
14:29Where...
14:30Where is this chippy?
14:37Why does he want his statue out here?
14:39It's like an ad.
14:40Stick a bag of chips in one hand and a bag of sausages in the other.
14:43One of your dad's ideas, is it?
14:45Yeah, he thinks it would be good for business.
14:47That's why he made my brother stand outside like that.
14:50No, try it out.
14:52Fair enough. Good luck.
14:55Can't tell the difference.
14:57Yeah, it can stand still, but...
15:01Where's the finesse?
15:07MUSIC PLAYS
15:21Looks like you've got some competition.
15:23Oh, we'll see about that.
15:25Outstanding.
15:36MUSIC CONTINUES
16:07Mr Enright, will you send someone to look at the window in my room?
16:12Two seconds. Hello?
16:14I ordered a garden statue for delivery this morning and it's late.
16:17Enright.
16:19Roman Shepherd Boy.
16:21No, no, I don't think he was.
16:23Well, it's not here, so that's my first clue.
16:25Yeah. Yeah, that'd be great. OK.
16:28Going to call me back saying they delivered it.
16:30Sure it'll turn up. All the guest bathrooms cleaned?
16:33Yes.
16:34All the woodwork wet-dusted and polished?
16:36Yep. Napkins?
16:37Ironed.
16:39Who irons napkins?
16:41People who are having an inspection.
16:43Oh, might as well vacuum the curtains while you're at it.
16:46Actually, that's not a bad idea.
16:48Do it!
16:50Curtains...
16:55Charlie?
16:56Tuttle?
16:57What's this?
16:59It's, erm, my cousin, Steve.
17:02Your cousin?
17:03Yeah, don't get too close. He's concentrating.
17:05That doesn't look like a real person.
17:07That's how good he is.
17:09Right, Steve?
17:10He's concentrating.
17:12Is that why I can't see him breathing?
17:14Exactly. Years of training, now.
17:18Well, good to run into you.
17:20Nice to meet you, Steve.
17:25Oops.
17:26You'd better get Steve down to the doctors.
17:28I think he's broke something.
17:30Oi, Tuttle!
17:32You owe my dad a fortune!
17:36This statue's defective.
17:38Like a replacement, please.
17:40Where's the rest of it?
17:42That's the defect.
17:44How did it break?
17:46Right, let's not get into details about it.
17:48Are you going to replace it or not?
17:50No.
17:52All that customer care.
17:54Had your man to see the manager.
17:57It's true.
17:58A pigeon landed on it and it fell apart.
18:02Shoddy.
18:05No luck, then?
18:07Too bad.
18:08Might as well just go home and face the music.
18:13Hold on a minute.
18:15Look!
18:16Let's get one.
18:28You all right, Louis?
18:30Just getting packed from when the shepherd boy comes.
18:33All right game, is it?
18:35To you, maybe.
18:37Do we have a spare hair-dryer I can take with me?
18:39I don't know.
18:41That's all right.
18:43I'll let it dry naturally from now on.
18:54Tell me again how this isn't stealing?
18:57Because we'll make loads of money off it
18:59so we can come back and pay for it.
19:01OK, we're going to jail.
19:05Look, one same as the old one.
19:07You climb up there, grab it, we'll wait here.
19:10Why me?
19:11You're wearing camouflage.
19:27Not for sale.
19:30MUSIC PLAYS
19:55I wasn't expecting that.
20:00Look, Hannah, I think we should make an effort to get home.
20:04I just saw a spider in the guest lounge.
20:06What?
20:08MUSIC PLAYS
20:39Charlie?
20:41Where are you, Ben?
20:43Where do you think I am? In hell.
20:45Tell him we're coming. No man left behind.
20:48Just wait till the truck stops, jump off and run.
20:51Run where? I'm miles away. I'm completely lost.
20:54Just look for a bus stop.
20:56Great idea.
20:58I'll pay the fare with the Roman coins I keep in my toga pocket.
21:01What?
21:03I'll pay the fare with the Roman coins I keep in my toga pocket.
21:06What?
21:08I've got to go. But, Ben...
21:14I wonder if I'm going to a new family.
21:17Maybe they'll be rich, with horses,
21:19and they'll let me have my own ice rink with clowns.
21:26It won't be as good as this, though.
21:29I'm not going without a fight.
21:31OK, so we tell Dad we saw a UFO
21:35and he abducted his statue for experiments?
21:38Roger that.
21:42Excellent!
21:45Similarity to Shepherd Boy.
21:47Zero percent.
21:49I'm sure Dad won't notice.
21:51Let's go and play some video games.
21:53Establish an alibi. Roger that.
22:00I'm not going without a fight.
22:02OK, so we tell Dad we saw a UFO
22:04and he abducted his statue for experiments?
22:07Roger that.
22:09Excellent!
22:15MUSIC PLAYS
22:25Look what Carol did.
22:27Anna!
22:29You should fire her. Who knows what she's capable of?
22:32What have you done? Me?
22:34I'm trying to put it back in.
22:37Carol, how could you?
22:39I didn't do this.
22:41I don't know who else could have.
22:43You! You did it!
22:45Er, I think maybe I should go.
22:47No, no, no. Look at this mess. I need you, please.
22:50I'm much better at cleaning than her.
22:52I'm sorry, this is getting a bit too weird for me.
22:56C-C-C-Carol!
22:58I want my job back.
23:00What makes you think you can ask for anything after what you've just done?
23:04Well, obviously I've been driven insane by the stress of having no money.
23:09Great parenting. Thanks, Mum.
23:21Hello. Mr Enright here. Again.
23:24Yes, young Roman shepherd boy.
23:27Except you've just delivered a gorilla.
23:29Well, the long, hairy arms are my first clue.
23:32No, no, I know my neighbour's got one. You've just delivered one here.
23:36Look, just get down here.
23:38No, of course there won't be any violence. Why would...? Unbelievable.
23:55I won't let them swap me for a shepherd boy.
23:58OK, buddy.
24:03I've done loads. I need my money.
24:06Skating starts in half an hour.
24:08In your dreams.
24:11I've done loads. I need my money.
24:14Skating starts in half an hour.
24:16In your dreams.
24:23Hannah! Hannah!
24:27Living, seven out of ten. Hospitality, five out of ten.
24:30Food, four out of ten. Mrs Newman's the hotel inspector.
24:35If she closes us down, I still get paid, right?
24:59All right, where is it?
25:01What?
25:02My statue.
25:03You just couldn't stand me having one up on you, could you?
25:06Sorry, am I missing something?
25:08My gorilla's gone missing, and when I find out who took it, trouble.
25:12Listen, I've got a classy Roman shepherd boy arriving any minute.
25:15What would I want with your gorilla?
25:20Covid!
25:23I know you know.
25:24How do I know that I know?
25:26I just know. I know.
25:33It was Carol. I've sacked her.
25:36She was a liability.
25:42No. No, no, no.
25:44I don't see my gorilla. In 30 seconds, I'm calling the police.
25:47Oh! Call the police. Let's see what they've got to say.
25:51Mr Enright? Yes!
25:53I don't want any trouble.
25:55Look, just give me the Roman shepherd boy, please.
25:58All right, all right, calm down, calm down.
26:00Now, now, you must understand...
26:04..that if I swap this statue for the other one,
26:06I've got to take it back, all right?
26:09I'm not going to let them take me anywhere!
26:15Aargh!
26:18Aargh!
26:19Please, stop, Stewie, in this bed!
26:21Aargh!
26:23Did you notice that our toilet paper's triple quilted?
26:26It's the best thing ever!
26:28Did you notice that our toilet paper's triple quilted?
26:30It's the best thing ever!
26:32Ben, swap me for a shepherd boy.
26:34Aargh!
26:36No, don't push!
26:39No! Gorilla!
26:43Aargh! Aargh!
26:46Oh, please don't close us down.
26:49I knew it. What?
26:51It wasn't me, I didn't take it. Just stick to your gnomes, mate.
26:54Couldn't handle a statue like this.
26:56Sorry, just...
26:58Found your statue, Mr Royce.
27:01Do I get a reward?
27:04Charlie!
27:06Come on, Bruce, let's get you home.
27:15How can this be right?
27:17Stick an entire statue together?
27:19And for what?
27:21For trying to earn money to go to the cinema?
27:23What kind of lesson's that for a child?
27:25Sir Travis, do you justice?
27:55You