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00:00[♪ music begins ♪ and continues for the rest of the video ♪
00:31Five hundred and sixty-five quid taken off the credit card for my mobile!
00:36Have you been downloading films and stuff on my phone?
00:39No! Give me that!
00:43Hmm. Attack of the Giant Anacondas. Alien Spider Massacre 3. Remind you of anyone?
00:51I thought it was free! It's the 21st century, who pays for downloads?
00:55Ho, ho, ho! I said a ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!
01:03Yep. Not the reaction I was hoping for.
01:05Look.
01:06Five hundred... Ooh, Santa is not happy.
01:09Him. Downloading stuff on my phone. Now you know they're ripping you off.
01:13I've probably saved you a fortune.
01:15Now, I'll tell you what you've done, Charlie. You've ruined Christmas.
01:26Come on, love. These things happen. It's not the end of the world.
01:31This was supposed to be our break. No guests, just put our feet up, get some treats in.
01:35We'll muddle through.
01:36And we've still got your organic turkey to pick up. That's 80 quid.
01:39Right, we'll cancel the turkey. We'll get a nice chicken.
01:41I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
01:43Wait. You know you were thinking about getting me a new smartphone.
01:47We've just decided. We're not.
01:50I'm not getting a smartphone because he decided to watch Attack of the Spider Dogs.
01:55I know what'll cheer you up.
01:58Watch this. Ho, ho, ho!
02:00I've got a little twist that I do when I plant my feet.
02:03Really? That's what you're thinking about?
02:05Well, I want to get it right, you know.
02:07It's quite an honour to be asked to be Santa at the carol service.
02:10I think you'd be brilliant, Dad. Really jolly.
02:16I did have a few quid put by, saving up for my perfume.
02:19You'll always have your perfume, no matter how tight things get.
02:22Not this year. Right. No point crying about it. Let's make a list.
02:26Good idea. And when you've done it, I'll check it twice.
02:33Still nothing. You are one tough crowd.
02:41I just said no. No, you're not getting a smartphone. Unbelievable.
02:44Sounds like they can't afford it.
02:46How's that my fault? My old phone's broke.
02:48I literally have no phone. I'm like a ghost.
02:51Hannah?
02:53Loser. That Ted, what a geek.
02:55He is a bit odd. He was only going out with Poppy Sharp for a few days
02:59and he bought her a pony.
03:01What? Yeah, his family are minted.
03:03But still, an actual pony.
03:06I forgot wrapping paper. Laters!
03:11Ted! Who you texting?
03:13Who you texting? Your girlfriend.
03:15I don't have one. She rejected me.
03:17What? Must need glasses. Does she?
03:21Oh, I see. You're flirting with me.
03:24Am I? I suppose I am.
03:30Santa?
03:31Oh, it's just you, Dad.
03:34But don't you worry, the real Santa's out there somewhere getting ready for tonight.
03:38I don't like Santa. I sent him a letter telling him not to come.
03:42Louis! Santa's a lovely man. Very kind.
03:46How do you know? Have you met him?
03:48Well, no, I've not met him, no.
03:49He's a stranger and you told me not to take anything from strangers.
03:53No, Dad, Santa's different. You know, he's kind, he's soft.
03:56He's a stranger who can fly and gives presents to people he hasn't even met.
04:00I can't believe you're even letting him in the house!
04:04And then my mum said I've ruined Christmas. I feel rotten about it.
04:08You feel sorry for doing something bad?
04:11This is huge. I am very excited.
04:14That's why I'm here. I'm going to buy some perfume to make it up to her.
04:19Again? I'm very excited.
04:22Can I have your biggest bottle of this, please?
04:26Large bottle is £90.
04:29Right, OK.
04:31Could I have that one, the really small one, then?
04:33£60.
04:35£60?! That's ridiculous.
04:38Does it give you magical powers? Does it have a genie in the bottle?
04:41Go on, clear off.
04:43Come on.
04:46How am I supposed to get Santa to come?
04:49I don't know.
04:52How am I supposed to get £60?
04:55We could provide a bodyguarding service.
04:58But first, we have to make people think that they're in real danger.
05:02That's it, we'll do a Santa's grotto.
05:04Sorry, what?
05:06We'll charge children a fiver and we'll make a fortune.
05:09I'll be Santa, Ben, you can be the elf.
05:11Why do I have to be the elf? It's not...
05:16Brilliant. Love that.
05:21I love it.
05:33Excellent. That is a military-grade grotto.
05:36Ben?
05:38Ben?
05:40Ben?
05:44Jim! Call me Jim, I've just seen my neighbours walk past.
05:49So what? You should be proud of this.
05:53I'm doing a lot of things, but...
05:57Pride is not one of them.
06:01Ta-da! Looks good, doesn't it?
06:04Superb.
06:06You haven't even covered the toilet.
06:08Yeah, I ran out of decorations. But hey, I'll be sitting on it, it can be Santa's seat.
06:12Well, I brought most of the presents.
06:15Brilliant. Looks proper professional.
06:17Oh yeah, the kids will be really delighted when they open them and find...
06:21their ornamental garden toilet stalls.
06:23Ben, stop complaining.
06:25Oh, what does he mean by self-cleaning?
06:27Oh, that one.
06:30You'll find out.
06:37Hannah, so good to see you, love.
06:40Ted!
06:41Thought we were meeting in a quiet cafe where nobody knows me.
06:45That's my love uncle.
06:47You're Hannah's mum?
06:49I thought you'd be younger.
06:51Excuse me?
06:52Ted, let's go in the other room.
06:54Good idea. I've done a playlist to teach you about music.
06:57My girlfriend has to like the right bands.
06:59Girlfriend?
07:05There he is.
07:08This is Skanga from Iceland.
07:11Definitely the best band in the world.
07:14I'll take you to Iceland one day. We'll see them live.
07:17Yeah, but that's not what I want for Christmas, right?
07:20I know. You want the phone with the 6-inch screen.
07:23And the 16-megapixel camera. So romantic.
07:26Quite expensive.
07:28We've only been going out for 4 hours and 11 minutes.
07:31I told you, it's not about how long, it's about the connection.
07:34I agree.
07:36I've never felt this close to anyone.
07:40OK, let's listen to Skanga's double album, Ragnarok,
07:44properly, without stupid talking.
07:47HE SCREAMS
07:49HE SCREAMS
07:51HE SCREAMS
07:54HE SCREAMS
07:56HE SCREAMS
07:58HE SCREAMS
08:00HE SCREAMS
08:03HE SCREAMS
08:09Ho, ho, ho! Nailed it.
08:11Ho, ho, ho!
08:19Oh, it's so soft.
08:21As you see, it's an alpaca-cashmere mix.
08:24Cost a few quid, I can tell you.
08:27Yeah, but as I always say, if you're going to do it, do it right.
08:32There's more to Santa than an expensive costume, though, isn't there?
08:36What about the twinkle?
08:38Oh, I can twinkle.
08:40Go on, then.
08:52Right, who wants a cup of tea?
08:54Of course my skills have been recognised, haven't they?
08:57That's why the vicar chose me to be Santa at the carol service.
09:00Oh, she's not told you, has she?
09:02It's just going to be very awkward.
09:04Tell me what?
09:05I'm doing the carol service.
09:07No, no, no, no, it's all been arranged.
09:09Yeah, well, that was before I gave the vicar 600 quid towards a new roof.
09:14You bribed the vicar?
09:16She offered. You know, it was her way of saying thanks.
09:19Well, what thanks do I get? I mean, the work I've put in.
09:22I've been in character for weeks, haven't I?
09:24It's been quite exhausting.
09:26Right, better crack on. Those reindeer won't feed themselves.
09:30Ho, ho, ho!
09:38I'm going to pull my beard up now,
09:40and it has a tendency to make my eyes water, but I'm not crying.
09:46But it's a toilet.
09:48Oh, well, you see, it's a council project, really trying to use the loo.
09:53It's going to be a dance studio.
09:56Santa was grumpy with me.
09:58He said if I opened it before tomorrow,
10:01it would turn into something rubbish.
10:03This isn't right.
10:05I'll be on to the council about you lot.
10:11Oh, sir, this is a grotto.
10:14It's not really used for any other business.
10:20Oh!
10:23Ho, ho, ho! Who do we have?
10:30Fine, but no number twos.
10:44That was the vicar.
10:45She's coming over later to explain why she stabbed me in the heart.
10:48Oh, no. Another Christmas bird?
10:51I know. What did they do? Starve it to death?
10:54Hey, have you met this Ted?
10:56Hannah's new boyfriend. Seems very controlling.
10:59With Hannah? Almost like a challenge.
11:01Yeah, but why is she going out with someone like that?
11:03Has she got low self-esteem?
11:05Ted wants two mince pies, not too hot.
11:07He likes them around 82 degrees.
11:09No problem. I've got a little thermometer.
11:11That is quite a specific temperature.
11:13Hannah, I don't think he's right for you.
11:16I know, he seems odd, but trust me, he's...
11:19Oh!
11:38Oh!
11:40You must be freezing. Come in, girls.
11:42Come in. Who wants a hot drink and a mince pie?
11:46Hey, girls! Everyone in here.
11:48Oh, no, no, no, no. In here, in here.
11:50That's right. In you go, in you go.
11:52In the guest lounge. That's right.
11:57The girls won't like Ted. That'll put Hannah right off him.
12:00Look at you, plotting and scheming.
12:02Ain't better watch me step, he might try and topple me.
12:05Nothing that I'm kink or anything, I'm just... She's gone.
12:11A carol singing carols.
12:13Funny, innit?
12:16I'm disappointed.
12:18I thought this was a boyfriend-girlfriend listen to music time,
12:21not being with random girls.
12:25Any of you even heard a skagger?
12:28Didn't think so.
12:31You two going out, then?
12:33Yeah. We're very happy.
12:35I bet.
12:37Quite sudden, was it?
12:39Cupid. Sneaky little devil, isn't he?
12:42I think it's great, and it just shows
12:44there's someone out there for absolutely everyone.
12:47It's true.
12:49Usually, I only go for the very pretty girls.
12:52But there's something about Hannah.
13:00Hi, Darcy. I've got you something for Christmas.
13:03A friend. His name's Little Jackie.
13:06He can be a bit of a character.
13:08His name's Little Jackie.
13:10He can be a bit of a character.
13:13Ho, ho, ho!
13:15What do you want?
13:17Oh, I'm just doing me rounds, you know.
13:20Since you get my letter, I don't want anything.
13:23Oh, but I've got it picked out for you.
13:26It's a lovely present.
13:27No! I don't want it!
13:29Leave me alone!
13:32Come on, I'm Santa, you little twit!
13:39Come on! What are you doing in there?
13:45There's more of them.
13:47What?
13:49Hands up, who's to see Santa?
13:52Hands up, who's the toilet?
13:55I've got some new recruits to see Santa.
14:00Right, finally.
14:02Now, the toilet is closed.
14:04I'd better get these kids back for their tea.
14:07I love working for Santa Claus
14:10Come to Christmas, he's the boss
14:12Rudolph has a shiny nose
14:14At the North Pole, it goes
14:16Sound of Christmas
14:18Sound of Santa
14:20It's the Santa from the mall.
14:22I bet he's on his lunch break.
14:24Charlie, no!
14:27Come on, Ben!
14:30Come on, Ben!
14:34I've seen you around school.
14:37Laughing.
14:39I'm quite a happy person.
14:42Don't know why.
14:44You've never even heard of skanga.
14:46And you ask stupid questions in maths.
14:51I bet she won't do well in life.
14:53Ed, why don't you go and check on the mince pies?
14:56Because I don't want to.
14:58Oh, is this one of them boyfriend things?
15:00Yes.
15:02I'd better do it then.
15:12You probably think I've lost it, do you?
15:14Well, don't worry.
15:16I'm only going out with him so he'll buy me a phone for Christmas.
15:18Hannah, are you joking?
15:20No.
15:21Oh, me and Ted, come on.
15:23Give me some credit.
15:24As soon as I get that phone, he is dumped.
15:28What?
15:33I knew it.
15:35Too hot.
15:36I asked for mince pies at a specific temperature
15:39and that request has been totally ignored.
15:41You'll get used to it.
15:43It's called life.
15:44Why are you making such a big deal out of it?
15:46Going out with someone for a phone.
15:48It's too weird.
15:49And not very nice to be around.
15:51Well, you're just jealous because you didn't think of it.
15:54Carol!
15:55Sorry, Mrs Henright, got to run.
15:59Right, tell me, what's going on?
16:01Nothing.
16:02What do you mean?
16:03Hannah, now.
16:07Well, I suppose...
16:0982 degrees.
16:11See?
16:13Just takes a little effort.
16:14Enjoy.
16:18You come in.
16:21You're going out with him just so he'll buy you a phone?
16:24Hannah!
16:25It's your fault.
16:26You won't buy me one and I can't live without a phone.
16:29Might as well not exist.
16:31You know what you've got to do, don't you?
16:33Not dump him when he gives me the phone.
16:36Wait a week till he feels OK.
16:39What?
16:50See?
16:51Empty.
16:52We can't do this.
16:53We are literally stealing Christmas.
16:55Let's go.
16:57Elf it up.
17:00Merry Christmas, everyone!
17:04Thank you so much.
17:05I'm Jim, I'll be your elf for today.
17:13Ho, ho, ho.
17:15I want to re-uphold an elf for Christmas.
17:17What for?
17:19To kill pigeons. I don't like them.
17:21Fair enough.
17:22But it's got to be a secret present
17:24because my mum won't let me have real weapons.
17:27I know, right? It's awful.
17:29In the olden days, kids had everything.
17:31Knives, bows, arrows, spears.
17:33I bet it was amazing.
17:34Not so stupid rules.
17:36You're really good, Santa.
17:45The mince pies were mediocre.
17:483.8 at best.
17:50We need to talk.
17:51I know, it's one of those hard things about being a boyfriend.
17:55No, what it is, me and you, it's over.
18:00But it was going so well.
18:02No.
18:04I loved being your boyfriend.
18:08I'm really sad.
18:09Don't be sad. It wasn't real anyway.
18:12I was only going out with you so you'd buy me a phone.
18:14And I did.
18:16See?
18:21I thought we'd have years together.
18:26I'll probably see you around.
18:28I hope so.
18:30The six hours, 23 minutes we had together
18:33were the happiest in my life.
18:38You're going to stalk me, aren't you?
18:42You'll be happy here, little Jackie.
18:44We've got a beautiful view of the garden and...
18:47No!
18:50There are millions of children.
18:52Why are you picking on me?
18:56Vicar Rumbin told me I wasn't doing it right.
18:59Oh, that's terrible.
19:02So, I was wondering if Kevin had heard out.
19:05No, he hasn't.
19:08So, I was wondering if Kevin had heard out.
19:12Well, as a matter of fact,
19:14the vicar did ring him up and ask him to step in.
19:21Yeah.
19:22Listen, I hope you don't mind me saying this,
19:24but your Santa was a little bit surface, you know?
19:28You need to get inside the character, sort of inhabit the role.
19:31I'll give you an example.
19:34Ho, ho, ho!
19:37Hear that? It's got everything.
19:39It's got laughter of children, mince pies, a robin in the snow.
19:43I mean, let me hear yours.
19:45Kevin.
19:46I'm trying to help.
19:50Ho, ho, ho.
19:52Was that it? Were you doing it then?
19:53Yeah, I was doing it then.
19:54Oh, I thought that was a rehearse.
19:55I thought you were warming up.
19:56No, I was doing it. I was doing it.
19:58Well, you see, this is the thing.
20:00Not everybody's cut out to wear the red suit, am I?
20:03Right.
20:05I'd better get on then.
20:08See you, Michael.
20:09Yeah.
20:10Yeah, bye.
20:18Why did you have to do that? You could see he was upset.
20:20He deserved it, bribing the vicar.
20:23I don't see why you can't both be Santa at the carols.
20:25Don't be ridiculous. I would...
20:27Oh, actually, that's not a bad idea.
20:29If we were both Santa, everyone would see how much I'm way better than him
20:32and I could finally crush him once and for all.
20:34I mean, sort of crush him in a nice sort of Christmassy way.
20:44£8.50.
20:46Outstanding.
20:48Hey.
20:49A tenner? For this?
20:51Are you having a laugh?
20:53Santa said not to open it or he would turn in something rubbish,
20:56and it has a lock.
20:58We want our money back.
21:00It's your sort that gives Santas a bad name.
21:03You're ripping the heart out of Christmas.
21:05That's what you're doing.
21:06Yeah, she's got a point.
21:08Well, I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.
21:11Listen, if you've got a problem, you can speak to our CO.
21:16Oi!
21:19We want our money back.
21:21What money? I haven't had any...
21:25It's that boy. He took your money.
21:27Him there, yes. Him over there.
21:30Oh! Oh, madam, I'm so sorry.
21:33He assaulted me.
21:35Santa's assaulted me!
21:47Just listen, listen.
21:49There was a boy.
21:51A boy with an evil face.
21:53Oh!
21:57Look what we've done. No child should have to see that.
22:00Collateral damage.
22:02I hate it, but I've learned to live with it.
22:04Forget all that.
22:06Look, 80 quid. More than enough for the perfume.
22:15Mum, why are you making party hats?
22:18You're getting them from the Christmas crackers.
22:20We're not having Christmas crackers this year.
22:22It's because we're poor, isn't it?
22:24Yep.
22:26Mum, Santa's after me.
22:28He knows where I live.
22:30Louis.
22:31We should block up the chimney.
22:33Hi, Mum.
22:34Is it snowing?
22:35Yeah.
22:38Oh, it's snowing.
22:43That makes it feel a bit more like a proper Christmas.
22:46It will be.
22:47We made a Santa's grotto at Ben's house.
22:49Loads of little kids came.
22:52Oh, that sounds nice.
22:54Erm, we made enough money to get you this.
22:58What's this?
23:00Go on, open it.
23:04It's my perfume.
23:06Is it the right one? I got the old bottle from your room.
23:09Oh, Charlie.
23:11I can't believe it. That's so lovely.
23:14Yeah, it's just...
23:16I just didn't want you to be sad on Christmas.
23:21Oh.
23:23Mum!
23:31I'm releasing you with a caution.
23:33But you've kept me here for hours.
23:35I'm late for carols now.
23:37And it wasn't my fault.
23:39Who's this boy?
23:42Merry Christmas.
23:46Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.
23:48Ho, ho, ho. To one and all.
23:50Yeah, let's see what you've done now you've stolen my signature twist.
23:53Oh, get over yourself, will you?
23:55Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho.
23:57Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho.
23:59Ho, ho, ho.
24:01Ho!
24:03Hi, Dad.
24:06Now, Santa number one, that's your dad.
24:09Santa number two, that's Mr Byrne, all right?
24:14Come here.
24:17Oh, you all right, mate? We've sort of got this covered.
24:20Yeah, get your own carols, will you?
24:22Get out of my way.
24:27You want to spend Christmas in hospital, do you?
24:30Oh, listen, mate.
24:33The only reason we'd be in hospital is if we were visiting you.
24:38Oh, hey!
24:41Ah!
24:45Well, what are you waiting for?
24:47We've got to go in, mate, but you are one lucky Santa.
24:50You dodged a bullet here, mate, dodged a bullet.
24:59God rest ye merry gentlemen
25:02Let nothing you dismay
25:05Remember Christ our Saviour
25:08Was born on Christmas Day
25:11To save us all from Satan's power
25:14When we were gone astray
25:16Oh, tidings of comfort and joy
25:20We will buy you a new phone in a month's time.
25:24It's all right, Mum, I can wait.
25:27Now to the world sing praises
25:30Holy within this place
25:32And with true love and brotherhood
25:35Each other now embrace
25:37Holy child, Christmas
25:39Was born on a darkened place
25:41Oh, tidings of comfort and joy
25:45Comfort and joy
25:50Carol, in church.
25:52She's got a nerve.
25:54Hannah, turn it off.
26:02Hannah!
26:04He wanted me to have it.
26:06He said being with me was the happiest six hours of his life.
26:08Didn't you, Ted?
26:12Santa number one?
26:14Santa number two?
26:17The real Santa!
26:18He's come for me!
26:19No! No! No!
26:21It's OK! It's OK!
26:22It's a boy!
26:23He's come to help!
26:24Oi, you! You!
26:25I can't hear! Get out of my way!
26:27I can't hear!
26:28Oh!
26:29Oh!
26:36Kevin, are you all right?
26:38I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do anything.
26:40It was all... Oh, my beard!
26:42Somebody call the police!
26:43I was at the old Vic! Get off me!
26:45Oh, dear!
26:46The indignity of it!
26:54Merry Christmas, everyone!
26:56Peace and goodwill to all men.
26:58I'm telling you, he's here!
27:01The boy is here!
27:03You were warned, mate.
27:04Now it's Christmas in the cemetery.
27:06You'll never get me! Never!
27:26Merry Christmas, everyone!
27:28Merry Christmas!
27:56Merry Christmas, everyone!