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FunTranscript
00:30Cover me!
00:31Fire!
00:33I just don't think you should have lied to him.
00:35I didn't lie, I just said we'd hosted wakes before.
00:37That's a lie!
00:38Well, yes, but people need to feel they're in experienced hands
00:41in order to trust you on such an important day.
00:43Zombie four o'clock!
00:45Just keep it down, you lot. Remember what I said about the wake?
00:48What's a wake?
00:49A wake's the sort of party you have after a funeral.
00:52Jelly and ice cream!
00:53Charlotte, you don't have jelly and ice cream when somebody's died.
00:56Oh, right. Just balloons, then?
00:59No, of course you don't have...
01:03What?
01:04They're black. Really original. They're going to love it.
01:10Oh, his hand just came off.
01:11Reload, he's still alive!
01:13That's totally unrealistic. His nerve endings have just been ripped off.
01:16What are you doing? That was educational.
01:18Isn't there something you'd like to see at the cinema?
01:22Well, there is a cracking documentary about climate change...
01:26Death Chase 2!
01:28I'll give you the money for the cinema tickets
01:30if you just make yourself scarce for the morning.
01:32Death Chase 2!
01:34Yes!
01:37Death Chase 2!
01:38Will you keep the noise down?
01:40Ben, will you remind them that somebody's dead?
01:44I'm sorry about the noise.
01:46They're off to watch Death Chase film.
01:49I'm not sure what it's about.
01:51Yeah, yeah, you can expect a much more sombre experience from that one.
01:59Do you like the balloons? The black balloons?
02:02They're sort of fun, but sad.
02:05Yeah, you can expect a whole different level of wake experience here at Brookville.
02:09And, yes, I will be getting changed, obviously.
02:12Oh! Brad!
02:19Teenagers, eh? Everything's a tragedy.
02:22Although some things are a tragedy,
02:24like what's happened to your dear, dear...
02:27SHE SCREAMS
02:28I'm going to go and see what's the matter over there.
02:31SHE SCREAMS
02:33SHE SCREAMS
02:35You feeling all right?
02:37I've been dumped, haven't I?
02:41Barney?
02:42Brad, my boyfriend.
02:44Oh, don't you have a boyfriend?
02:46Well, I haven't any more. I've got an ex-boyfriend.
02:50Yeah, but that's still good, though, yeah?
02:55I'd just like to say how happy I am that you've chosen us to host your wake.
03:00Um, I mean, not happy, that you've obviously...
03:03Not...
03:05I'm very sorry for your loss.
03:09It's OK, honey.
03:11Annie Reader was a very old lady.
03:14I never even got to meet her!
03:16Well, we lived 4,000 miles away, sweetie.
03:19Troy struck up a relationship with her on the internet.
03:23It was nice for the two of them.
03:26Oh, so you're not expecting many people back after the funeral, then?
03:30Just a few friends of hers, I think.
03:32Brad!
03:34Oh, Brad!
03:36Well, you know, if there's anything we can do...
03:39Oh, we do have a wreath at the florist.
03:41Oh, yes, we'll get that for you. No problem. All part of the service.
03:50You're so kind.
03:53He always buy me ice creams.
03:55Oh.
03:56And raspberry sauce.
03:58And flakes.
04:00And sprinkles.
04:02Right.
04:04Was he an ice cream man?
04:06He works at the stand at the front.
04:08Oh, I know him. He's the one with the sort of flats up and the stupid shake.
04:11He was really lush, OK?
04:13Daring.
04:14He had to visit his nan every day.
04:17Well, see, that's very dedicated.
04:19And boring!
04:20I told him to forget about her.
04:23He dumped me!
04:25He thinks I'm shallow and insensitive.
04:28Oh, I'm sure that's not true.
04:30Yeah, it is. It says it right here.
04:35Well, you know, dumping someone by text, that's pretty insensitive.
04:40Don't have a go at Brad!
04:45Careful of Maud.
04:47Who's Maud?
04:49The carrier bag. Fine.
04:51It's his family.
04:59Here's your money for the cinema.
05:01If you pick up a wreath from the florist for Mr and Mrs Milne.
05:04What? You never said we had to work for her.
05:06We're children!
05:07That's the deal. Take it or leave it.
05:09Maybe we should leave it.
05:11Death Chase 1 was really violent.
05:14We'll take it.
05:15The film starts in half an hour.
05:17Let's ship out, people. Go, go, go!
05:20What's that you said, Maud?
05:22You found five potatoes?
05:24No, these are stones.
05:26Three stones.
05:30One, two, three.
05:34Three stones, not five potatoes.
05:38Maud?
05:40Maud?
05:43What do you think? Sombre enough?
05:45My deepest condolences.
05:48Sorry, I didn't know you were there.
05:52Are you feeling a bit better now?
05:54No. How can he call me shallow and insensitive?
05:57I was talking to Troy.
05:59And I'm the insensitive one.
06:02Oh, Louie, what on earth's the matter?
06:04Maud. She blew up a tree.
06:07Oh. Well, it's only a bag.
06:10I'm sure you'll find some other thing to get just as attached to.
06:14I won't. I'll never find anything to replace Maud. Never!
06:18OK, well, go and ask your dad if they'll get the letters out.
06:22Can you stop sniffling? It's really getting on my...
06:28There, there. Can you try and bottle it up, yeah?
06:32SHE SIGHS
06:41This is rubbish. Why do they have to write in massive flowers?
06:45Why can't they just send a card?
06:47We'll move it as a unit. I'll take point.
06:49No. If we take it back now, then we'll miss the adverts.
06:52But we have to take it. Don't they need it for the funeral?
06:55Yeah, but that'll be ages away. We'll take it back after the film.
07:00Three for deaf chase, two, please.
07:02You're not coming in with that.
07:04Why not? It'll obstruct the aisle.
07:06But it's made of flowers. It'll brighten the place up.
07:08You're not bringing it in.
07:11Look, I don't know how to tell you this, but his auntie died last week.
07:15I mean, look at him. He's traumatised.
07:18He's not going to let that go. It's all he's got.
07:22He can bring it in if he buys a seat for it.
07:25That's the best I can do.
07:29Wait here a sec.
07:39OK, here's the plan.
07:41Me and Elton will go inside, buy our tickets.
07:43Ben, you go to the side door with the wreath.
07:45Why me?
07:46Because I told him you'd gone mad and wouldn't let go of it.
07:48Yeah, Ben, keep up.
07:50Then we'll open the side door, you pass through the wreath,
07:52come back here and buy your ticket.
07:54Outstanding.
07:56I thought I went mad and wouldn't let go of it.
07:58Won't he notice when I haven't got it?
08:00Just say you've been cured or something. Do a little happy dance.
08:03Am I supposed to come up with everything?
08:05Now, go on, go!
08:09Louie, Louie, I'm sorry. I tried my best.
08:14Oh.
08:16I...
08:18There was a carrier bag in a tree,
08:21but it blew away and I fell off a ladder.
08:24There's nothing to see here.
08:28I will be smarter than this for the wake.
08:31I've got another suit from somewhere.
08:33OK.
08:35Achilles.
08:40But Brad was the one.
08:42I know it feels like that now, but honestly, things change.
08:46No-one ever ends up with their first choice.
08:51Or even their second.
08:53You know, if you just try going out with someone else,
08:56you might find that in time you can use that.
08:58I can make Brad jealous. I could use Troy.
09:00Thanks, Mum, that's a brilliant idea.
09:02No, no, no, I wasn't suggesting that you...
09:04Troy!
09:06Seriously, I was your third choice.
09:10Oh.
09:12Fourth!
09:16Ben, push it through.
09:18Push it through.
09:20Steady. Easy.
09:22Careful. Come on, step it up, soldier.
09:25Ben! Ben!
09:27Ben!
09:43You can't ban us when it's your fault
09:45we had to sneak it in in the first place!
09:47Come on!
09:56Thanks for taking me out, Hannah.
09:58Girls don't pay me much attention at home.
10:01Oh, I can't think why that is.
10:03But don't you like me?
10:05Of course I do. We're going for a walk, aren't we?
10:08Look, I'll take you to the front and buy you an ice cream.
10:11Hey, is that about a missing bag?
10:14Ignore that.
10:26How's it coming?
10:28I think I've fixed it.
10:30Ant!
10:32She's not an ant, Ben, she's a human. Have some respect.
10:37Do you think if we tell the truth they'll forgive us?
10:40No, we never crack, not even under torture.
10:43Well, what are we going to do, then?
10:45We'll just have to get another wreath.
10:47Where are we going to get another wreath?
10:49Just think, where do they have loads of wreaths just lying about?
10:53The graveyard. There's tonnes, we can have one of those.
10:56Outstanding.
10:57Stealing!
10:59No, Ben, it's not stealing.
11:01You can't steal off dead people.
11:03Sorry, you're right, it's not stealing, it's grave robbing.
11:07It's recycling. Just think, we're saving the planet.
11:10Yeah, Ben. Do you hate the planet or something?
11:13No.
11:14Great, so now all we need to do is find another funeral with her dead aunt.
11:24That's it, Troy. You have a good cry.
11:27Let it all out.
11:29No, it's OK, you were right. This really is helping.
11:32You want to lean on my shoulder? Sub on it, like before?
11:36I'm really sensitive.
11:37No, the sea air is really helping me get things in perspective.
11:42No, it isn't. Come on, Troy.
11:45Let me comfort you.
11:49Hannah! What are you doing?
11:52I thought I was helping you. I thought you had feelings.
11:55But it turns out you never cared about your auntie at all.
11:58How could you say that?
12:00Bit of a walk, couple of lungfuls of sea air,
12:03and you've forgotten all about her.
12:05What kind of monster are you?
12:08I must be a terrible person.
12:12There, there, Troy.
12:16Can I put a poster on your window, please?
12:18What's it for?
12:19It's for Maude. She's gone missing.
12:22Oh, I lost a cat last year.
12:24She's not a cat.
12:36Hey, Brad. Can I have a 99?
12:39Sure. Is he all right?
12:41What, Troy?
12:43No, he's got a funeral this afternoon.
12:46But I'm supporting him for it.
12:48You?
12:49Yeah. It's all part of my...
12:51Well, I don't really like to talk about it.
12:53Talk about what?
12:55Nothing.
12:56Come on. What do you mean?
12:58It's a bit of voluntary work, you know.
13:01Helping people with problems.
13:03I didn't know you'd done that sort of stuff.
13:05No. Well, I like to keep it quiet.
13:08Don't want everyone saying how great I am all the time.
13:11It's embarrassing.
13:13It's embarrassing?
13:15Well, I suppose if more people knew,
13:17I wouldn't get called shallow and insensitive.
13:20Anyway, thanks for this.
13:23See you around.
13:25Hannah?
13:28Yeah?
13:30I'm going to see my nan later.
13:32She likes a bit of company. Maybe you could...
13:34Come with you? Yeah, I'd love to.
13:36See you tonight, then.
13:43Yeah.
13:51I can't see any decent ones.
13:53Are you sure there was a dead ant at this funeral?
13:56The advert says,
13:58wife, mother and beloved ant.
14:01Target acquired.
14:03Where?
14:05Oh, it's even bigger than the other one.
14:07Wait here.
14:14Ben!
14:17Charlie! Charlie!
14:19Oi!
14:22Charlie! Charlie!
14:24Oi!
14:52I'm so sorry. I don't know where he could have got to.
14:55He's normally so reliable.
14:57Yeah, no, it's sort of weird,
14:59cos he's never forgot a wreath before, has he?
15:01Never.
15:03Never.
15:05Um, no.
15:07No, no, no, no.
15:09No, no, no, no.
15:11No, no, no, no.
15:13No, no, no, no, no.
15:15No, no, no, no, no.
15:17No, no, no, no, no.
15:19Um, no.
15:21Um, no.
15:23Yeah, sorry about the suit.
15:25I sort of destroyed most of mine when I left the bank.
15:27But...
15:33Um...
15:38Maybe you could use this
15:40as a sort of makeshift wreath
15:42until he turns up, maybe?
15:45I'm sure I'll be back any minute now.
15:47Yeah.
15:52And now I'd like to ask for a moment's silence
15:56to reflect on the remarkable life of Clare Thompson.
16:11And now it's time for the eulogy
16:15delivered by a young man
16:17very close to Clare's heart.
16:31Um...
16:35Um...
16:36Are you sure he's even in here?
16:38They're probably extracting intelligence from him right now.
16:41I don't think vicars are allowed to extract intelligence from children.
16:45It might not be a vicar, Ben.
16:48It could be agnostics. They can do whatever they want.
16:53Um...
16:54So, this is a funeral...
16:57..for...
16:59..Clare.
17:05She was a lady...
17:08..with brown hair...
17:12..and a family.
17:14Like you...
17:16..and you...
17:18..and you.
17:20OK, not you.
17:22Because I was there when she was on her deathbed.
17:24Henry, she said, tell them I loved them.
17:26Tell them I loved them all.
17:28Even that one that's not part of my family.
17:30She said, I don't mind I'm going to die.
17:32I'm really not that bothered, she said.
17:35The most important thing is that when I'm gone,
17:38you have my biggest wreath.
17:48Oi!
17:49Run! Run!
17:51Hurry! Hurry!
17:53Get in here!
17:55Go, go, go!
17:57Go, go, go!
17:59Go, go, go!
18:06Where to, then?
18:09Brockville B&B, please.
18:11You got it.
18:16Here are our ashes.
18:18Have you got anything planned for them?
18:20Are we leaving already?
18:23That's it. We're going to have to go.
18:25With or without the wreath.
18:27Don't leave now.
18:31She's lost forever.
18:33Blown away in the wind.
18:53Just here, on the right.
18:55Great.
18:57Come on, let's get out of here.
19:00Thanks, driver.
19:02Thanks.
19:03There, that was easy.
19:05Except we've got a tail.
19:08Come on, let's go.
19:11I'm sure they're on the way.
19:13Yes, there's a 21 LSB limit on this road, so it's interesting.
19:16Oh, look, here they are. I told you they wouldn't be long.
19:18Here's your recent road to the funeral.
19:21I thought the funeral wasn't till one.
19:23So did I. I thought the funeral was at one.
19:27No, noon.
19:29We missed it.
19:34Troy?
19:41Go to the back door.
19:44It's locked.
19:46Where?
19:48It's locked.
19:50Where do you think you're going?
19:52For a breath of air.
19:53No chance.
19:55Get in there and hand these out.
19:57And we'll have words later about that wreath.
20:00You too.
20:07What are we going to do?
20:09They're going to find out they're at the wrong wake.
20:11Then they'll know that you took the wreath.
20:13And then we'll all be arrested for...
20:15I don't know. What's this crime called?
20:17You've entered a new crime.
20:37Are you OK?
20:39I don't know.
20:40I keep trying to tell myself she had an amazing life, but...
20:43Yeah, she really did.
20:45The skiing and the water skiing.
20:47Water skiing?
20:48Yeah, she was British champion.
20:50And that year she worked as a nurse in Africa.
20:53Took her life in her hands a few times, eh?
20:56She had some stories.
20:57Did she?
20:59That's why she wrote the novel, of course.
21:01I never knew her at all.
21:12I told you to turn that off!
21:14What? Isn't anybody allowed to be happy around here any more?
21:18What is wrong with you?
21:20I'll never see Maud again.
21:30It's OK. Panic over.
21:32What about that?
21:33I'm Francesca from the Canadian side.
21:36How did you know any...
21:38Sorry!
21:40Friendly fire.
21:42Let's get you cleaned up.
21:49Right, I've got to get rid of this.
21:51Stop her from talking to anyone else.
21:57Thank you all for coming.
21:59This means a lot.
22:01She would have been so pleased.
22:04We specialise in wakes here at Brookfield,
22:07so if you ever need to organise a funeral, we are...
22:10Allie, will you hand these out for me?
22:12Right, but I was just...
22:13Now!
22:18Sorry, is that your son?
22:20Oh, yes.
22:21Sorry, what's he done now?
22:23I just wanted to say, his words really moved me today.
22:26You must be very proud.
22:28Oh, well, yes, we are. Thank you.
22:33Did you hear that?
22:35Charlie's been offering words of comfort to the guests, isn't that nice?
22:39Are you all right?
22:40I think I've got chive in my eye.
22:42Go and get changed.
22:46Hi, I'm Francesca...
22:48Oh, no!
22:49You don't want to talk to him?
22:53You haven't even...
22:55No, no.
23:01Oh, Danny boy,
23:03the pipes, the pipes are calling
23:08From glen to glen and down the mountainside
23:14It's very sad.
23:15She wasn't all bad, but I loved her.
23:18...leaves are falling
23:21Tis you, tis you must go
23:25And I must bide
23:28But come ye back...
23:32Oh, well, then...
23:35Erm...
23:36Didn't we have a lovely time the day we went to Bangor?
23:41This isn't going to last long.
23:43We need another plan to stop them talking.
23:46Something clever so they get the blame for everything and not us.
23:51And how are we going to do that?
23:53As the wheels went round...
23:56Everything OK?
23:57Yes.
23:58Great. Good do, isn't it?
23:59Just hope none of those funeral crashes turn up today.
24:02Funeral crashes?
24:03Yeah, I heard there's some in town.
24:05Canadian couple, they say.
24:06Apparently they just turn up to people's funerals and...
24:08Eat all the food, pretend the dead person was their auntie.
24:11Sometimes it can work.
24:12Three funerals in a day.
24:14Exploiting grieving relatives just to get free food from a buffet.
24:18It's disgusting.
24:19Some Canadian couple, apparently.
24:21My love to give, I will survive
24:24I will survive!
24:26Yes, very good.
24:30Ah!
24:31No, no more.
24:32That was great.
24:34Excuse me, would you mind telling me who you are exactly?
24:38Oh, sure. I'm Francesca from the Canadian side of the...
24:41Canadian, eh?
24:42And I suppose you're here to mourn your aunt.
24:44Yes.
24:45Who do you know here?
24:47Well, no one.
24:48I kind of thought one or two people might be...
24:50Oh, that's enough.
24:51Come on, come on, put these down.
24:52What are you doing?
24:53Why are you doing that?
24:54We know about your sword.
24:55Our sword?
24:56Your sword?
24:57How dare you?
24:58Get off of my balabance!
24:59What's going on?
25:00This man is trying to steal my food.
25:01I'm stealing food?
25:02That's rich.
25:03They're the Canadians.
25:04Call the police.
25:05The police?
25:06You people disgust me.
25:08I've just buried my mother.
25:10Oh, what garbage.
25:11She didn't have a son.
25:12No, you're right, you're right.
25:14She had three.
25:15This is nonsense, Graham.
25:16Tell them.
25:17It's true, Mom.
25:18It's all true.
25:19She had a secret life she never told us about.
25:21A whole second family.
25:24I think you should leave.
25:26I most certainly will not.
25:28This is our wake.
25:29You should leave.
25:30No, no, our wake.
25:31Please get this man to leave this house.
25:33Yeah, let's just...
25:35I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.
25:45Maud was lovely.
25:47But you're beautiful.
25:49I'm going to call you Madge.
25:52I've been told about this.
25:55Oh, Madge, you're full of dirt.
25:58This is wrong.
26:00It's a disaster.
26:02Get off!
26:03You're blowing my top.
26:04Just stop the blubbing.
26:06Hannah?
26:08I thought you were helping him.
26:10I am.
26:11It's just...
26:12It's his fault.
26:13He's really annoying.
26:14He won't stop crying.
26:15Brad!
26:16I want to visit your nan with you.
26:18I don't care how boring she is.
26:21Oh, Troy.
26:23You're so shallow and insensitive.
26:26I'm not insensitive.
26:28I'm misunderstood.
26:33You've ruined our day.
26:34I hope you're happy.
26:37No!
26:38Hey!
26:39No!
26:40No!
26:43Madge!
26:47That's right.
26:48Off you go.
26:50You paid for your own mother's wig if you loved her so much.
26:53I'll leave her in the bin.
26:55Well, that was strange.
26:56Well, grief can do funny things to people.
26:59That must be what it is, then.
27:00I mean, there's no other explanation.
27:02Hey, we're proud of you, though, Charlie.
27:04We heard all the comfort you gave with your words.
27:06What can I say?
27:07I like to spread a little happiness in the world.
27:13Who's this, now?
27:20Francesca?
27:22We were expecting to see you at the funeral.
27:28You!
27:29Charlie!
27:30I mean, it's OK.
27:31I can explain.
27:40Charlie!
27:43How can this be right?
27:44Weeding the crematorium flowerbeds for a week.
27:47And for what?
27:48We're going to get someone a nice big wreath for the funeral.
27:50What kind of lesson is that for a child?
27:52It's a travesty of justice.
28:18You