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00:30A tie, really?
00:37Well, it's not every day you get us to be in Godfather.
00:40I want to show the Ruddocks that I'm taking it very seriously.
00:43Oh, they'll get that from the way you keep smiling serenely like some kind of saint.
00:47Why do babies get christened?
00:49Well, Louis, some people believe that if you're baptised and you live a good life,
00:54with proper guidance from adults chosen because of their wisdom, their maturity...
00:59The planet-sized egos.
01:01Then, when you die, you go to heaven.
01:04What happens if you don't go to heaven?
01:07Well, some people believe you go to hell, where you burn in agony for all eternity.
01:13Then?
01:15Then's the rules.
01:17What are you doing without mustard?
01:19Stupid food groups project. Got to list the ingredients.
01:23Well, don't get it on your good clothes!
01:25Oh, that'll be the Ruddocks.
01:28Charlie, the door!
01:30Can't warm, I'm busy!
01:34Alan, Sarah, hello!
01:37Hi, Alan.
01:39This must be Grace. Welcome, little one.
01:42He's very excited about being Godfather.
01:45I've not seen him this chuffed since he won the Egg and Spoon race at Parents' Day.
01:49It's nice to have a joke, but it is an important role and one I will be taking very seriously.
01:53You knew you'd be the perfect choice, Kevin, didn't you?
01:56Look, I wore my seat just for your special day.
01:59Aw!
02:01Come in, come in. Charlie and Hannah will be down in a minute.
02:08Mustard. In a water pistol.
02:11This is insane.
02:13Watered-down mustard. And it's an invention.
02:16Yeah, right up there with the concrete parachute.
02:19We get ten of these, we can have our own paintball game.
02:22The five are in, we'll make a fortune.
02:24Outstanding.
02:26We need to test it.
02:29Hit me.
02:31But what about your clothes?
02:35My new shirt! I'm dead.
02:38You're the science guy. Why didn't you warn me?
02:41I did. What part of insane do you not understand?
02:46But we might be able to fix it.
02:50With science.
02:52Remember what Mr. Dinsmore taught us in chemistry?
02:55The homemade stain remover. It's called the Carruthers compound.
03:00It works on nearly anything.
03:02And he made it with just a few normal foods.
03:05Look! I was downloading a film on Mum's laptop and this came up.
03:09I can't get rid of it!
03:11Ooh, that's your laughing clown virus.
03:14Laugh for a couple of hours and then wipe your hard drive.
03:17Mum's new laptop. You're not allowed to use that.
03:20You're toast!
03:21You can talk.
03:23The clown. How do I get rid of him?
03:25It's extremely difficult.
03:27You'll need an actual computer genius.
03:30Jamie Stipe!
03:33Stain remover. What do we need?
03:35I'll check, but definitely ginger nuts.
03:41I'll find my help with the stress.
03:45Grace has launched her little boat on the ocean of life.
03:52Where there are many dangers.
03:55Sharp rocks. Storms.
03:59Cannibals.
04:01But what's this?
04:03A kindly old lighthouse to show her the way.
04:06Steering her to safety.
04:08And that's me.
04:10I am that lighthouse.
04:13That's really nice, Kevin.
04:15Yes. Yes, it is.
04:18I'm just going to pop out for a bit.
04:20Hannah, notice anything different about the room, like our guests?
04:24What?
04:25Bye, Hannah. Lovely to see you.
04:26Hannah, you've got to be back by... Hannah!
04:29Shh! You're frightening the baby!
04:31Fine.
04:32Sorry, sorry, sorry.
04:34She's fine, she's fine.
04:36Not that I mind her crying.
04:38Some people might find it irritating,
04:40but to me, there is no sound more beautiful
04:43than the weeping of a small child.
04:48Back by 20 to 12 at the latest, OK?
04:51Charlie, where's your shirt?
04:53I thought I'd leave it for church, in case you got mucky.
04:56Good idea. Very good.
04:57Right, so come in and say hello to the...
04:59I'm really busy!
05:03Hello, Charlie. Nice to see you.
05:06Yeah.
05:07You're, um, cooking?
05:09Yeah. School project.
05:11It's about people who are starving, cos they don't have food like this.
05:14Oh, that's wonderful.
05:16Yeah. Better crack on.
05:18Roger that.
05:20Pleasure to meet you, Ma'am.
05:22Oh, likewise.
05:28He's really settled down.
05:31Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
05:40It's turning clear.
05:42That's a good sign.
05:43I think we're ready for the first tests.
05:47I made a small jam stain on this.
05:54Now we'll just wait for a few minutes.
05:56Who cares about tests?
05:58Let's just do it.
06:01What is it?
06:06I can't believe we're not doing proper tests.
06:10Funny.
06:11There's a reckless side of me that's actually kind of enjoying it.
06:15You fixed it!
06:17You're a genius.
06:19It's just basic chemistry.
06:21I stand on the shoulders of giants.
06:23Ba-oom!
06:28You've made it worse.
06:30What have you done?
06:32I've made it worse.
06:34I've made it worse.
06:36I've made it worse.
06:38I've made it worse.
06:40I've made it worse.
06:42I've made it worse.
06:44What have you done, you idiot?
06:46I told you. I told you we weren't ready.
06:49I don't have proper equipment. I don't have...
06:51Hey! We want results, not excuses.
06:56Non-performing personnel will be consequenced.
07:00She means fix it.
07:03Hi, Jamie.
07:04What?
07:05My lady.
07:06Still doing all that night stuff then.
07:08Brilliant.
07:09Right, you know you're really good at computers.
07:15I've got a virus.
07:17Ooh.
07:18The merry jester.
07:20A most grievous ailment of the computational engine.
07:23Hm?
07:24I've got a virus.
07:26Ooh.
07:27The merry jester.
07:29A most grievous ailment of the computational engine.
07:32Hm?
07:33Please, the drawbridge is down.
07:35You may enter the castle.
07:49Think you can fix it?
07:51Verily.
07:53But I ask a small boon in return.
07:56You shall be my lady at the tourney.
07:59I literally have no idea what you're talking about.
08:01Upon the hour, the knights of the realm gather at the castle.
08:04You shall come as my lady.
08:07I'd love to, but I just don't have the time.
08:10If you could fix that and then I'll come back.
08:12It must be today.
08:13Cos then I will be the envy of all the other knights.
08:16Even Martin Thompson.
08:18I don't have the clothes, you see.
08:20Fear not.
08:27A damsel's dress.
08:29For a damsel in distress.
08:36Ten past eleven.
08:37If I put her down now, she'll get nearly an hour.
08:39I'll take her.
08:40It's important Grace and I start the bonding process.
08:43Thanks, Kevin.
08:45It's really nice, the way you're taking this on.
08:53Oh.
08:54Oh.
08:55I think she needs, um...
08:57I think she needs changing.
08:59Nappies and wipes, they're in the red bag by the bed.
09:02Oh, OK. Right. Yes.
09:05Oh.
09:06It's lovely, isn't it?
09:08You and Gracie.
09:09Bonding.
09:10Yay.
09:12Oh, go on, I'll help.
09:14Can't resist those big sad eyes.
09:16The baby, it's not yours.
09:18Dad was right.
09:20It says on the internet if you're bad, you go to hell.
09:23Er, well, some people...
09:25You have to be good.
09:27I don't want to be in heaven if you're not there.
09:30Oh, sweet.
09:32If you've got to do something bad, get Dad to do it.
09:37Well, silly, then I won't be in heaven, will I?
09:40HE CHUCKLES
09:50Got the pinky nappy.
09:52Here, take this and pass us a clean one, will you?
09:55Right, just a second.
09:58Right.
09:59It's a nappy, not anthrax.
10:01You have never understood this.
10:03I have got a weak stomach and the famous Enright nose.
10:05I'm like a bloodhound.
10:06Oh, just take it.
10:08HE CHOKES
10:10Will you stop it? You're going to frighten her.
10:13You sound like a dying water buffalo.
10:17He's a silly man, isn't he?
10:19No, no, no. Sensitive.
10:22I'm like a race horse.
10:24It's a blessing and a curse.
10:26He's a silly, silly man. Yes, he is.
10:29The Curuther's compound.
10:31It works by a sort of phase shift through the acid alkali.
10:35Ben, tell us what's happening.
10:37Tell us what's happening or I will hurt you.
10:39The green, it fades away after 90 minutes
10:41and it'll take the stain with it.
10:4390 minutes? We'll be in the church by then.
10:46Sorry. I should have spotted the time delay.
10:49Didn't scroll down far enough.
10:51Too lazy to scroll?
10:53You've got no chance when society collapses.
10:57Maybe it'll... it'll wash off.
11:00It won't. And if you try, it'll turn orange.
11:03You see, it reacts with the oxygen.
11:05I have no choice. I've got to try.
11:07If Mum sees my shirt, I'm dead.
11:11Alison, get some water.
11:13Roger that.
11:17Such a song and dance about changing one nappy.
11:21No, don't wash her with that!
11:23What? Why?
11:24Cos it's not hygienic.
11:26She's a baby. You can't just use any old washcloth.
11:28I'm finished now, anyway.
11:30Right. Time for your nap now.
11:36And henceforth, you shall fight
11:39the mightiest battle you have ever fought.
11:41And all for me.
11:43So, Damsel, are you ready?
11:46Yes.
11:49My goodly knights, it's a real girl.
11:52No.
11:55She's wearing the guinevere.
11:57You never let me wear it.
11:58I've told you, you're too big.
12:00I'm not big, I'm willowy.
12:03This is my Lady Hannah.
12:05She will be our queen.
12:06What?
12:08To thine service, I do pledge my sword.
12:11To Queen Hannah.
12:13Queen Hannah!
12:15Long live the Queen!
12:17Long live the Queen!
12:19Hey.
12:22Hello?
12:23Hannah, where are you?
12:24Um, kind of hard to explain.
12:28We're leaving for the church in 20 minutes.
12:30Get back here.
12:31That might be slightly...
12:32Just come home.
12:36Right, can we get on with it?
12:38Can we get on with it?
12:40Damsel, she doesn't have a clue.
12:42Speak no ill of my lady, for though thou art a maid,
12:45doubt not, I will bash thee.
12:47Ought not to bash thou maid!
12:54Maybe he'll be all right.
12:55Maybe Dad rents the washcloth.
12:57Doubtful.
12:58He was under pressure.
12:59Wasn't thinking clearly.
13:01It'll be fine.
13:02Maybe just the faintest green tint.
13:04Barely noticeable.
13:09Yes, she's perfect.
13:11Shh, don't frighten her.
13:13Blanket's not in the regulating position.
13:21Now look what you've done.
13:26Parents will be so ashamed.
13:28They bought me my first chemistry set
13:30and I've used my knowledge for evil.
13:32Can you fix her or not?
13:34No way.
13:35Not before the christening.
13:37The tabloids will love this.
13:39Evil boy scientist creates mutant baby.
13:42I've got it.
13:44Your little brother Jack.
13:45He's the same age as Grace, right?
13:47Bit older.
13:48That's it, we'll swap them.
13:50Sorry, what?
13:52We'll get Jack, we'll bring him here,
13:54we'll put him in Grace's white dress and bonnet,
13:56we'll take him to the church for the christening.
13:58Are you saying christen the wrong baby?
14:00Exactly.
14:01It'll be enough time for Grace to get back to normal,
14:04then we'll swap them back.
14:05It's bold, it's unexpected,
14:08it's Hannibal crossing the Alps.
14:10It's unexpected cos it's insane.
14:13We can't swap babies.
14:16Why not? They all look the same.
14:18Please, Charlie, let's just go down and make a clean breast of it.
14:22OK, we'll have to accept our punishment,
14:24but in the long run...
14:26It's astonishing.
14:28I'm always right, but...
14:30..no-one ever listens.
14:32Hi, Mum.
14:33Remember you were saying Jack should go on more playdates?
14:35Well, there's this cute little baby over at Charlie's.
14:38You'll drop him over?
14:40Great.
14:42We are go.
14:44Back! Back, you foul knave!
14:46Back, you low-born knave!
14:48Eat my metal sword! Die!
14:50Back! Back, you tufty tufty!
14:52Ah! Die, thief, die!
14:56Tempest! Tempest!
14:58My lady, it is not permitted to use these...
15:02..sorcerer's engines during tourney.
15:05Huh?
15:06The engines of...
15:08..the thing that is in thy hand.
15:10My phone?
15:11I know not this word, but set it on mute.
15:15Look, I've got to bounce.
15:17If thou departest.
15:18I know, you can't fix my computer, but I've really got to go.
15:21If thou wishest.
15:23But I just wanted to say, I really enjoyed today.
15:28It was great.
15:29For real?
15:30Yeah.
15:31Um, I'd like to allow it out on dates.
15:34I see no reason.
15:36Cos I was just going to say, we should go out sometime to the cinema.
15:40I know not this word!
15:42But, yeah, yeah, definitely.
15:45Well, that's if I'm not grounded.
15:49Oh, the engine of computation.
15:52Yeah, my mum, the evil queen.
15:55She'll lock me in a high tower if she gets fed up for many weeks.
16:00Cruel.
16:01Would be, cos then we'd have to wait ages for our date.
16:05Give it here.
16:09I told Hannah to be back for 22. I mean, what is wrong with her?
16:12SHE GASPS
16:14That was for after lunch.
16:16Don't worry about the sponge, Helen.
16:18Lunch is about so much more than that.
16:20It's a coming together.
16:22Smile. I'll go get the other bit.
16:26Ooh, there we go. That's not that bad.
16:28It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
16:30We'll just, um, cut slices off the good bit.
16:33But it's dirty.
16:35Ooh.
16:36It's a sin.
16:38Why would you do this, Mum?
16:40Why? Don't you want to go to heaven?
16:46WHISTLING
16:50Brilliant. Him and Grace, they're almost identical.
16:54Don't be ridiculous.
16:56He's almost twice her size.
16:58It's like a chicken next to a turkey.
17:02He talks.
17:04He actually talks.
17:06Just some basic military terms.
17:08Jack, look.
17:09Just let's get him in the christening outfit.
17:11Hi.
17:15Hi, Dad.
17:17What have you done?
17:19What? Nothing.
17:21Actually, something really good.
17:24Grace woke up Swadjesta for the christening.
17:27Right. Right, where is she?
17:29I like to do these little things to help.
17:31Charlie, where is she?
17:34Alison.
17:42What?
17:46Who's that?
17:48What you want about it's Grace.
17:50Charlie, you've got three seconds.
17:54All right, but Grace is fine.
17:57It's not as bad as it looks.
17:59Right, Ben?
18:00Of course, eh? Of course.
18:02It's completely non-toxic. She'll have a full recovery.
18:05What are you talking about? Where is she?
18:12Oh, she's perfectly fine.
18:15Yeah, most of that.
18:25Ben, he was trying to make a stain remover,
18:28but it went a bit wrong.
18:32Well, you're going to have to wash it, huh?
18:35It's non-washable technology at this point.
18:38Basically, we've got to leave her like that for an hour or she'll turn orange.
18:42What kind of idiot paints her baby green?
18:44One like you.
18:46The washcloth in the bathroom, it was contaminated.
18:50Yeah, that's right.
18:52You cleaned a little baby with a dirty washcloth.
18:55Oh.
18:59Oh.
19:01Oh, I'm not a good man.
19:03Oh, I'm not a good man.
19:05I'm living my own goddaughter's christening.
19:09Not necessarily.
19:16See?
19:18The stain fades out perfectly.
19:20So?
19:21So it's proof. Grace will go back to normal in an hour.
19:24I need to stall the Ruddocks.
19:26Then they'll never know I can't be trusted.
19:28Easy. Alison will ring the house, you answer, pretend it's the vicar,
19:32and say the christening's been delayed.
19:34Right.
19:35Me and Ben will nip down to the church.
19:37We'll tell the vicar the Ruddocks have been held up.
19:39Sorted.
19:41Yes, yes, that might just work.
19:43Yes, Alison, ring the house phone in three minutes.
19:47Roger that.
19:48Do you really think the vicar will listen to us?
19:51Nah, grown-ups never do, do they?
19:53Ah, but we'll figure out a way to delay the christening.
19:57It's my mum.
19:59I think she's going to hell.
20:13Where's Grace?
20:14She looked so peaceful I thought I'd let her sleep until we're all ready.
20:18We are ready.
20:19We're due at the church in 15 minutes.
20:22Mm-hm.
20:23Kevin?
20:24Go and get Grace.
20:25All right, all right.
20:27Was that a phone? Did anyone hear a phone then?
20:29I'm sure... I'm sure they...
20:33Uh-oh, operational glitch. B&B house phone engaged.
20:37I can't believe Hannah's not back.
20:39She is so grounded. And where's Charlie?
20:41Where's her phone? Who's had the phone?
20:43And she lies too.
20:45Do you think she'll go to hell?
20:47Get off the phone.
20:48Stop! I'm talking to Mrs Mullan.
20:50Your teacher!
20:51I'm trying to save your immortal soul.
20:54Come on, come on.
20:58Mrs Mullan?
20:59Yes, sorry about that.
21:01Now I know he gets these ideas.
21:03OK, you too. OK, bye-bye.
21:07OK, OK, Charlie.
21:09We're off now, so if there's anything you need to do,
21:11properly best to do it right now.
21:13Kevin, what are you doing? Go and get Grace.
21:16PHONE RINGS
21:21Hello?
21:22Ah, Vicar, how are you?
21:25Oh, oh, I see.
21:27Yes, well, no, not a problem, Vicar.
21:29Thank you for letting us know, Vicar.
21:31Bye-bye, Vicar.
21:33That was the Vicar. You don't say.
21:35Apparently there's been a bit of a backlog at the font,
21:37so they want us to wait for an hour.
21:39Oh. Oh, well, never mind.
21:42Kevin can make us some sandwiches.
21:44And I've got a beautiful sponge.
21:46That sponge? Oh, biscuits.
21:48I've got some biscuits too, lovely biscuits.
21:50So, sandwiches.
21:51Oh, we've got chicken, we've got ham, we've got bread,
21:53we've got white, we've got green.
21:54Brown! Not green.
21:56I wouldn't say green, that's mad. Let's have a sandwich!
22:06Ah, Mr and Mrs Royston, yes.
22:08This is Oscar. Hello, Oscar.
22:11Why have we delayed the Vicar?
22:13By drawing him to a conversation
22:15about monastic beekeeping in the Middle Ages.
22:18What?
22:19I know all about him. I could keep him talking for hours.
22:22Just cause a distraction while I put this in the font.
22:25Stain remover. It'll turn the baby's head green.
22:29Exactly. And that will delay the christening for a bit.
22:32Charlie, I really don't... Distraction.
22:34So, welcome, welcome. Let's begin.
22:40Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here
22:42to celebrate the christening of Oscar Royston.
22:46We're walking in the air
22:50We're floating in the moonlit sky
22:54The people far below are sleeping as we fly
23:00I'm sorry, who are you?
23:02I'm the singer. From... Shrimptons?
23:06I didn't order a singer. Be quiet.
23:09What are you... You!
23:11You're the boys that ruined that wedding!
23:17Oh!
23:19Ben!
23:21Come back here, you little...
23:25Sarah, sandwiches.
23:27I just want to check on Grace.
23:29No, no, no, no. It's best to let her sleep.
23:32Sorry?
23:33Well, you know, Grace, it's a big day, isn't it?
23:36I think it's best to let her sleep.
23:38We've got some ham, we've got chicken...
23:40Kevin, I want to wake her.
23:42No, no. I am the Godfather and I intend to do things the right way,
23:45which is not popular.
23:46No, no. My house, my rule, Sarah.
24:00Come on, Charlie.
24:03Be gone, vile sprite!
24:05You did it!
24:07My lady, it does me good to see the sorrow leave your face.
24:10Yeah.
24:12So, later, the Palace of Magical Pictures?
24:15Sorry, Spike, won't be happening.
24:17The first thing you've got to learn about damsels
24:20is we're not to be trusted.
24:23But, my lady!
24:25Thou hast played me like a lute!
24:27I don't know. He just said something had gone wrong.
24:30We need to run an extraction.
24:31Shh, shh, shh, shh. Someone's coming.
24:33Fold back.
24:38What did you say to Sarah? She's really quite upset.
24:40Well, I just thought it was best to leave Grace sleeping.
24:42Denying her access to her own child?
24:44They've asked you to be Godfather, not Supreme Ruler of the Universe.
24:47No, no, no, no, Helen. No, no, no, no, no.
24:50I am Godfather and I forbid you to wake Grace.
24:52We are going to have a little chat later. Subject, you.
24:56No, no, no, no.
24:58Helen, no. You will not enter.
25:01Helen, it's not my fault. I did not know about the Caruthers.
25:04What are you on about?
25:06Grace.
25:15I was enchanted by a pretty face.
25:17Not that pretty, if I'm honest.
25:19But henceforth, I'll be steadfast in the nightly ways.
25:22I'll look no more at damsels.
25:24Come on, people. I'm coming.
25:26Stop them!
25:27A quest. We must help this goodly friar.
25:29Seize them. They are meat for the gallows.
25:33A little face, sleeping.
25:36It seemed a shame to wake her.
25:38Look, I don't know what's going on, but we want to see Grace.
25:41Can't you do? Yeah. Say, about 20 minutes?
25:43Now!
25:45What is the hurry?
25:47That's a lily bully.
25:49No, Mum. Stop lying.
25:51Tell the truth. Tell them the baby's green.
25:55LAUGHTER
26:08Is that me?
26:10All right, all right, I'll go to the cinema with you.
26:13Just don't mention the laptop to my mum.
26:15My lady.
26:16No, Jamie, you said I'm the damsel.
26:18You said...
26:19Oh!
26:21My lady.
26:23My laptop! This is your fault.
26:25No, no, no, no, no, and it's completely harmless,
26:28and it wears off, so...
26:29This is all your fault.
26:30You just said they were harmless eccentrics.
26:32It's in the car.
26:33Wait. Look.
26:35Grace, she's gone back to normal.
26:37Oh, brilliant!
26:38Actually, you know what?
26:39This will make a great story for the Christmas, because...
26:42They've taken it here.
26:44It's too late. Take it.
26:46I don't want it.
26:49It's too late.
26:50I need to have a word about this.
26:52What's happening, man?
26:54I've got five more Christmases to do.
26:57And a funeral.
26:58I'm not going to be able to do any of them like this, am I?
27:02Hannah!
27:04Is that my laptop?
27:06It's fine. It's just a bit more tablet-y.
27:12There he is!
27:13That's the laptop.
27:14Look what he's done to us!
27:16Sorry, Dad. I tried to make the other baby green.
27:19You know, like you told me to, but it went a bit wrong.
27:22No, no, no, no!
27:23No, no, no, no, no, I never...
27:25No, no, he didn't...
27:26No, that's not...
27:27He didn't...
27:28Shh!
27:31Charlie!
27:38How can this be right?
27:40Polish every candlestick in the church for a month.
27:43And for what?
27:44For trying to clean my shirt for a christening.
27:47What kind of lesson's that for a child?
27:49It's a travesty of justice.