Brand new stream-lined uniforms are being issued to the crews and Jack and Stan are the first to wear them. The uniforms are so attractive that two Swedish girls that the two men meet in the pub mistake them for airline pilots and are keen for a date. Unfortunately the new uniforms are recalled and the two Swedes are less than impressed to see Stan and Jack in their usual,old uniforms.
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TVTranscript
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00:17God, bloody, I've had enough today, Jack, come on, mate.
00:20Let's push off home, shall we?
00:21Yeah, watch it.
00:23Dracula's on the warpath, he's bearing his fangs.
00:26LAUGHTER
00:28I can see him, sharpened his pencil on his teeth.
00:32Oi, come here, you two, I want a word with you.
00:34Here, he looks thirsty, if he asks for your blood group, don't answer.
00:38LAUGHTER
00:40What do you want?
00:41Look at the style on you, look.
00:42Oh, you are a scruffy, dirty pair of toe rags, honestly.
00:46You're a disgrace to the uniform.
00:48Look at you, look, what have you been doing, sleeping, innit?
00:51Only when he's driving.
00:53What's all this rubbish here, what's this?
00:55They'll be rags for my windscreen.
00:57The company supply proper cleaning cloths for that.
01:00That can go in the bin right away.
01:01No, no, not that one.
01:03That's my handkerchief.
01:04LAUGHTER
01:06It's absolutely revolting.
01:08The company will not have such revolting, disgusting objects put in its uniforms.
01:12I don't see that, they've got you in one.
01:14LAUGHTER
01:16You talk about uniforms, mate.
01:19Look at them, they've dropped to pieces.
01:21I'll show you, Stanley, look at that, look.
01:23Yeah, look at that there, that's his court in pocket.
01:25LAUGHTER
01:27Well, what he means is this, you see, when I take a bird out, you see,
01:30she sees me out of me pocket like this, she thinks she's safe,
01:33and suddenly she finds out she's not, see.
01:35LAUGHTER
01:37You got it?
01:38Those uniforms are only meant for working it.
01:40Yeah, it's the sort of birds he takes out, he has to work very hard.
01:42LAUGHTER
01:44You're depraved.
01:45I bet you tore that deliberately, didn't you?
01:47Oh, don't be ridiculous, course I didn't.
01:49What's this here?
01:50Oh, it's just a magazine.
01:51That's my magazine, now don't...
01:53Now, don't open it.
01:54Company's uniform.
01:56LAUGHTER
01:58That's absolutely disgusting.
02:00Bitches are nude females.
02:02The only book you're allowed to have in that pocket is a road map.
02:04Yeah, well, I use that for finding me way around and all.
02:06LAUGHTER
02:08No laughing matter, you know.
02:10Look at it, look at it, all bulging out, look.
02:12Pardon me, mate, if you think that's bulging out, have a look at that.
02:14LAUGHTER
02:16You are too lecherous, lad.
02:17It's basically wasting your money on that rubbish.
02:20I don't buy that sort of thing.
02:22No, I happened to find that on the bus.
02:24Yeah, and listen, apart from all that,
02:26what's all this nonsense about our uniforms?
02:28Well, the company, in their infinite wisdom,
02:30have decided that all the busmen will be issued with a new type of uniform.
02:33And I, in my infinite wisdom, have decided that you two are going to act as guinea pigs.
02:37Hey, I resent that implication.
02:39So do I.
02:40And listen, why pick on us two?
02:42Because you're the dirtiest, scruffiest, untidiest busman in the whole depot, that's why.
02:47If a uniform lasts two weeks on you, it lasts two years on a normal bus driver.
02:53These have got to be specially made, you've got to fill them in with your measurements,
02:55and I want them back first thing tomorrow morning.
02:57And I'll take that right to the lost property office right away.
03:00Who's he to write a kid?
03:01He knows they're going to open for another two hours.
03:05Don't worry, he won't be taking her back for another two years.
03:09Puppy, you. You, you puppy.
03:13Mr. Spencer, could you sign my way bill?
03:15Oh, certainly, my dear.
03:16Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no.
03:22I never thought you...
03:24Yes, well, it's a perfectly logical explanation for me having that, you see.
03:27Yeah, I'll tell you what it is, Miss, you see.
03:29You see, we're going to have new uniforms,
03:31and you see that bird there with the two beads and the fig leaf?
03:34That's going to be yours.
03:36Oh!
03:43Oh, come on, Stan, hurry up, love, you'll be late again.
03:47All right, stop nagging, Mum, will you?
03:49Oh, well, I don't know what you do in the morning, really, I don't.
03:52I call you early enough, but you're always late.
03:54Well, I overdone it, didn't I? So...
03:56Yes, you did. Come on.
03:57Oh, dear.
03:58What?
03:59This form here, I forgot to put me measurements on it.
04:02Measurements? What are you having measured?
04:04Well, me and Jack, we're having new uniforms.
04:06Here, you got a tape measure, Mum?
04:08No, Oliver, I can't get it, love. Come on and have your cereal, dear.
04:11Oh, all right, all right, all right.
04:12I really don't know.
04:14Oh, it does seem a shame them throwing away them uniforms after only one year.
04:19They don't throw them away, Mum.
04:20Oh.
04:21Oh, if they did, they'd come crawling back.
04:23Oh, that's not very nice.
04:25I can't find my tape measure upstairs anywhere.
04:28You were using it in bed last night.
04:35Oh, dear.
04:40Using a tape measure in bed?
04:43I was using it to measure me knitting.
04:47You knitting in bed, love?
04:49I always knit myself to sleep, don't I, Arthur?
04:52Always.
04:54Here, don't it keep Arthur awake, love?
04:56No, he was doing his pulls.
04:58Ah, sexy beast.
05:01Oh, here's the tape measure, Stan. It was in me pocket.
05:03All right, righto, then, come on. Let's get these measurements done.
05:05Right, come on, Mum. Measure me up from the middle of me back, ready?
05:07Come on, here, give us a pencil, love.
05:09Oh, I'm trying to have me breakfast, love.
05:11Left arm, 28 inches.
05:13Left arm, 28 inches.
05:15Right arm, 32 inches.
05:18Wait a minute, wait a minute.
05:21I can't have one arm longer than the other.
05:24Wouldn't surprise me.
05:26Well, that's my finger, look.
05:28Well, how can I have one arm longer than the other, then?
05:30Well, perhaps he's driving a bus, you know.
05:32One hand on the lever, love.
05:34Ah, child, now don't be daft, Mum.
05:36Oh, now I remember.
05:38You did have one ear stick out more than the other when you was little.
05:42Yeah, but not four inches.
05:44Look, make that 28 inches.
05:4628 inches.
05:47Right.
05:48Well, I'll still make it the same.
05:49What are you talking about? How can it be?
05:51Give us that.
05:52You can't trust her to do anything, can you?
05:54She's measured it from the 60 inches downward.
05:56No, no, no, no.
05:58Make it 28 inches.
05:59Right, well, you know she's not very good with figures.
06:01Come on, now, get on with it.
06:02Round me waist, go on.
06:03Now, get it right this time, Olive.
06:05Waist, 32 inches.
06:07Oh, nice.
06:09Hips, 38 inches.
06:1138.
06:13Oh, you're like me, you've got a 40-inch bust.
06:20What are you talking about, bust?
06:22I don't have a bust, fellas don't have a bust.
06:25Fellas are built different than women.
06:27I don't think she's found out.
06:30No, it's you, I haven't had much chance.
06:33Most women at my age are grandmothers by now.
06:36Yeah.
06:37I am getting a little sick and tired with all the insults I get in this family.
06:41Oh, no, no, Arthur.
06:43I treat you just like one of me own.
06:45Do you?
06:46Yeah.
06:47Well, now is it that my sausage is smaller than his?
06:51Oh, are they, love?
06:53Well, I thought I gave you equal shares.
06:55You did, you gave him more sausage, me more grease.
06:58Well, I've heard of some childish things, mate, with that beast of cake.
07:01I am not being childish.
07:03It was the same with the Brussels sprouts yesterday.
07:06Oh, we're not going to have that all over again, are we?
07:08The fact still remains, mate, that you had 13 whilst I had 9.
07:14Oh, blimey, we'll settle this for all.
07:16In case he starts counting the baked beans.
07:19Give us that date measure.
07:20Give us it here.
07:21What are you going to do, love?
07:22Measure his sausage.
07:26Yours, right? Right, yours?
07:29Mine? Right, what's that say?
07:31Oh, you are.
07:32What?
07:33Your sausage is half an inch longer than mine.
07:36That's because yours is bent.
07:38What?
07:41Look, I'll tell you.
07:42Now, look.
07:43What are you doing?
07:45I'm straightening out your sausage.
07:47Now, look.
07:49Hold it there.
07:51Got it?
07:52Look.
07:53There.
07:54Now, be honest. Own up. Own up, you're wrong.
07:56Go on.
07:57Go on.
07:58It might be the same length, but mine happens to be thinner.
08:03You're just being cussy, don't you?
08:04Here, it's only thinner because it's darker.
08:07It's like Olive.
08:08When she wears dark things, she looks thinner.
08:11You could have fooled me.
08:13Look, come here.
08:14Take that date measure, Olive.
08:15Get the date measure.
08:16Now, measure that round.
08:17Where do you put my sausage, girl?
08:20I don't like your tape.
08:22What about my breakfast?
08:24What's that say?
08:26What's that say?
08:29That is now contaminating.
08:31Well, it wasn't very nice, Stan.
08:33I'll tell you what, love.
08:34I've got a couple of fish fingers.
08:36I'll warm them up for you.
08:37No, no, no.
08:38You'd better measure them first.
08:40Otherwise, you swear blind you're giving him one finger and one thumb.
08:50Hello, darling.
08:51Hello, shorty.
08:54I ain't used to.
08:55Filled in those forms, have you?
08:57Oh, wait a minute.
08:58I've got mine here somewhere.
09:02Here, Flaky.
09:03These new uniforms, are they going to be any different?
09:06Well, as you're the first two to wear them,
09:08you might as well come and have a look and see what the management's chosen for you.
09:10I've got a sketch in here.
09:14Here you are.
09:15That's what you're supposed to look like.
09:20I can't go back like that.
09:25Look at the driver.
09:26Look.
09:28Hey, love.
09:29I look like Mick Jagger.
09:32That's funny, mate.
09:33I should look like Marianne Faithfull.
09:36Now, listen here, you two.
09:38The management's spent a lot of money on these designs.
09:40Now, if you want to keep your job here,
09:42you want to get used to the idea of wearing these.
09:44Here, Flaky.
09:45What colour are they going to be, then?
09:47Flaky, what colour are they going to be, then?
09:49Silver grey.
09:50Ah, that's it. I can't wear that.
09:52Why not?
09:53It don't match the colour of my eyes.
09:59Hey, Chalky.
10:00Yeah?
10:01Harper and Butler got them new uniforms on yet, have they?
10:03I haven't seen them yet.
10:04I think they're still in the back room.
10:06What?
10:07They've been in there for nearly an hour now.
10:10Ain't it marvellous, eh?
10:11It don't matter what they do, they're always late out.
10:14Oh, well.
10:15I can't wait now.
10:17Tell them to report to me as soon as they've had their lunch, will you?
10:19Right.
10:25Hey, Stan.
10:26Come on, then.
10:27We all want to see you.
10:44Where's your mate, then?
10:45Jackie, show yourself, darling.
10:50Right, see you, mate.
10:51Right, come on, Stan.
10:52We're doing it up here.
10:53We're giving a show.
10:54We're giving a show.
10:55Heart, please. Heart, please.
10:56The Master Bus Company has great pleasure in presenting
10:58the Two-Piece Driving Ensemble,
11:01modelled for you here by Stanley.
11:04Show them the walk, dear.
11:06I must seem straight.
11:07Yeah, they'll love it.
11:09Now, I'm sure this outfit will prove very popular.
11:12And I'm sure we'll all be wearing them at the end of the season.
11:15Now, I want you to notice the matching cap,
11:17which has two positions.
11:19Forwards, for driving,
11:21and backwards, for reversing.
11:27You will also notice the matching buttons on the cuff,
11:31which are put there for a special touch of elegance.
11:34Also, to stop you from wiping your nose on your sleeve.
11:37Now, these special double-vented pockets
11:39are amply designed to give Stanley plenty of room
11:42for his essentials.
11:45Show them your essentials, Stanley.
11:47Well, you'll notice, fellas, this pocket here
11:49is for my tyre pressure gauge.
11:51This pocket here is for my windscreen wiper.
11:54And this one for my dipstick wiper.
11:58As Stanley, in mood fancy free and with careless abandon,
12:02slips out of his seat,
12:04in mood fancy free and with careless abandon,
12:06slips out of his jacket,
12:08we can see the transparent empire-made nylon see-through shirt,
12:12through which we can get a glimpse of the outline
12:16of Stanley's string vest.
12:20And thus a teeny-weeny incy peep
12:23at the elastic top of his Y-fronts.
12:30What about the conductors?
12:31All right, darling, don't rush us.
12:33Come on, Jackie, darling, get up and show yourself.
12:40Now you can see my travelling companion Jackie
12:43has this jacket here set off to match his...
12:47Do you mind? You've spilled it all over him.
12:49He's matching pouch here,
12:51which has the latest wet look.
12:53Has he?
12:54He's just spilled your teal down at your crotch.
12:58This is ridiculous, isn't it?
13:00Look, I'm going to take this up with the union.
13:01We'll have it out with the management.
13:07Before we like a cup of sissies.
13:08What do you expect, mate, putting this in uniforms like this?
13:11It couldn't change our personalities.
13:14If you've got any complaints, you go to the management about it.
13:17But I'm not having them uniforms spoiled the first day.
13:20Dan, here's your lunches.
13:22All right, Wynne, darling, thanks very much, love.
13:24There you are, mate, there you are.
13:25Bangers and match for you.
13:26Thank you.
13:27Get stuck in, mate, that's the idea.
13:28You're not going to eat in them clothes, are you?
13:30Of course we're going to eat in them.
13:31What do you think we're going to do, mate?
13:33Well, be careful, then.
13:34Right.
13:35Oh, no, look at that, look.
13:37Oh, trust you.
13:38What?
13:39Trust you to choose that sloppy spaghetti bolognese
13:41and all that sloppy gravy.
13:48You're dripping all drops down, look.
13:51Oh, my God!
13:54Oh, you didn't have time for that, did you?
13:56Let me wipe your chin, look, can you?
13:59It's your filthy hands on to me!
14:02If that gravy goes down on that silver-grey uniform,
14:04it'll make a nasty stain on it.
14:06I'll go and see if they've got some silver-grey sauce, shall I?
14:10You hear?
14:11I'm responsible for them uniforms until they've been approved.
14:14Ah, shut your face.
14:17Tuck this under your chin.
14:20Oh, my God!
14:41If you'd like to feed me, would you?
14:44I'm stopping it from all dripping down your clothes,
14:46what's the matter with you?
14:48Go and ask them if they've got a spoon and pusher for me.
14:52Daddy, what's that?
14:53Ah, what's that?
14:55Oh, God!
14:58Daddy, speak to me!
15:00I'm only trying to help you, don't act stupidly.
15:05Now, Stanley mustn't let Dada or Dada will smack his body.
15:09I'll smash his face in.
15:11Listen, mate, I will eat my food how I like it,
15:14when you like it.
15:15Look what you've done to all this stuff,
15:16I nearly lassoed myself.
15:17Get out of here.
15:19Butler,
15:21I insist you take that jacket off before eating that.
15:24Look, mate, I'll take my trousers off at all.
15:27How about that, then?
15:28The openness of life is ridiculous.
15:30Well, come on, Jack, we'll eat in the cab across the road.
15:32Do you mind if we leave?
15:33Or do you want to bring up Windy's?
15:38Jack-O'-Lantern!
15:40They're just great guys.
15:42I think I know how to handle them.
15:50Let's face it, Jack,
15:51we look a right couple of twits
15:53tarted up in this lot.
15:55Don't worry, mate, I'm going to take it up with the union.
15:57I mean, blimey, we're supposed to look like busmen,
15:59not Peruvian postmen.
16:02Don't look now, mate, but I think
16:04those couple of birds are clocking us over there.
16:07Blimey, mate, a fat chance we stand in this stupid clobber.
16:10No, I'm not kidding, they're coming over now.
16:13Hey,
16:15we are having some trouble with the money.
16:17How much is this coin in your English money?
16:21I'm sorry, love, I don't understand it. I'm sorry.
16:23Oh, I thought you would know because you're airline pilots.
16:28Airline pilots?
16:31I thought because of your uniform.
16:34Airline pilots?
16:37Oh!
16:38Airline pilots?
16:39No, darling, no, you've got it wrong.
16:41We're not airline pilots.
16:42No, no, no, no, you're quite right, darling.
16:44See, what he meant was we're not both pilots.
16:46He's a pilot and I'm like his navigator.
16:49Oh, yes.
16:52Oh, yes, yes, yes.
16:55What money is that, Em?
16:57Swedish. Do you know it?
16:59Do you fly to Sweden?
17:00No, we're on the New York run.
17:03Are we?
17:04Oh, Newark.
17:05Oh, I must tell Birgit.
17:06Yeah, well, why don't you ask her to join us then?
17:08Yeah, OK, OK.
17:11You flunk, you flunk. I don't know anything about flying.
17:14Look, mate, you went on that holiday chart at the Majorca.
17:17You saw what went on.
17:18I didn't. I was sloshed going out and sick coming back.
17:22Listen, just leave it at that.
17:27That is Birgit.
17:28Hello.
17:29And I am Ingrid.
17:31Oh, well, this is Stan Butler.
17:33Captain Butler.
17:34And I'm Jack Harper.
17:36He's a captain and all.
17:38Well, why don't you sit down?
17:40Yeah, thanks very much.
17:41Not you, your boat then.
17:45Oh, well.
17:47Oh, I think it must be very nice to fly a plane.
17:51Is it very difficult?
17:53No, not really.
17:55As a matter of fact, it's just like driving a bus.
17:59Oh, no.
18:00Busmen are, how you say, ignorant louts.
18:04No, hang on, no.
18:05No, wait a minute.
18:07Stanley, Stanley, Stanley, she's quite right.
18:09How could a pretty bird like that be wrong?
18:12I think your work must be very dangerous.
18:15Yeah, it is with him at the controls.
18:17Yeah, well, tell me, what are you two birds doing over here then?
18:20We are here to learn your English language.
18:22Yeah, well, come out with us.
18:24You'll learn a lot more than you will at college.
18:26You mean those idiomatic phrases?
18:30Yeah, yeah, all those.
18:32Yeah, yeah, all those.
18:33What?
18:34Oh, yeah, well, we've got to leave you now because we've got to get back to the garage.
18:37Oh, yeah, the airport.
18:39Yeah, well, what about you two birds coming out with us tonight then?
18:41I mean, we're free, we're not flying again till tomorrow.
18:45Oh, well, I do not know.
18:48We have been told to be very careful with you airline pilots.
18:53Very careful with you airline pilots.
18:57We look like other pilots.
19:01Now, we're much more down to earth, eh?
19:05You'll be all right with us, I promise you.
19:07All right, we'll meet you at half past seven tonight then, OK?
19:09Well, yes, yes, OK, OK.
19:13Oh, and perhaps tomorrow we can come and see you take it off.
19:18Oh!
19:21With a bit of luck, we might see them take it off first.
19:28Morning, Jack.
19:29What a beautiful morning this morning, is it, eh?
19:32Here I say, these uniforms, they work a treat for the birds, don't they, eh?
19:35Oh, they do, mate, yeah.
19:37What time did you get home last night?
19:39I didn't get home last night.
19:41I came straight here.
19:43Oh, mate, these Swedish birds are exhausting, aren't they?
19:46They are, boy.
19:47Must be all that midnight sun they have.
19:49Yeah.
19:50How did you get on, then?
19:51I got a smashing goodnight kiss.
19:53Oh, you little devil.
19:56Oh, don't worry, mate, I'll be all right tonight.
19:58How about you?
20:00I was all right last night.
20:02Come on, you two.
20:04Stop rolling about and get them new uniforms off right away.
20:06Eh? What?
20:07Yeah, see who's too put the poison in so well, none of the other busmen would wear them.
20:11Oh, no, no, we like them now, we think they're lovely, don't we, Jack?
20:14Well, you're too late, mate.
20:15The management's decided to drop the whole affair.
20:17Come on, get them off.
20:18Can I wear mine just for tonight?
20:20No, you can't.
20:21I'll tell you what you can do.
20:22What?
20:23Kiss it goodbye.
20:26That won't be the only thing I'll be kissing goodbye.
20:28Look, mate, if we turn up in our civvies, they won't know the difference, will they?
20:32Oh, yeah, yeah.
20:41Hey, Chalky.
20:42Yeah?
20:43Go and tell them two layabouts, Butler and Hart, that they're late out, will you?
20:46They're in the canteen.
20:47Right.
20:52You are the inspector, yes?
20:54Why, yes, miss.
20:55Can I do anything for you at all?
20:56We wish to go to the museum.
20:58What bus is for there?
21:00Ah, the museum, yes.
21:02Number nine, do out in three minutes.
21:04Get off at Acker Street, and you'll find it on the left facing you on the right.
21:08Right, okay, Blakey, we change.
21:11Oh!
21:17Come again?
21:23Your friends?
21:24These two?
21:30Yeah, well, you see, it's a bit of a mix-up, like that.
21:32Yeah, well, you see, them being Swedish, Blakey, see?
21:35Yeah, yeah.
21:36Are you not Captain Butler?
21:38Are you not Captain Harper?
21:41Captain Butler?
21:45Captain Harper?
21:46What have you been telling these two girls?
21:48They do not fly a jumbo-jet plane to Newark.
21:59A jumbo-jet?
22:00Yeah.
22:04They can't even drive a number 11 bus to the cemetery gates, in fact.
22:18Oh, well, you're all cleared for take-off, then, Captain.
22:22If you'd like to climb into your cockpit and taxi down the high street and set course for the cemetery gates.
22:29Captain of a jumbo.
22:34Oh, this has made my day, this has.
22:47Well, we made a right mess of that, mate, didn't we?
22:49No, never mind. We had our fun.
22:51You mean you had your fun?
22:53Well, now I know how Cinderella felt when the clock struck twelve.
22:57Come on, mate, let's get this jumbo-jet out.