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FunTranscript
00:00I don't know why, but this painting always makes me laugh.
00:16Punch, Judy, wrap it up.
00:18It'll look nice in the bathroom.
00:22Bathroom?
00:26I consider the bathroom more of a library than art gallery.
00:32Judy!
00:42Someone should frame that move, because it was a masterpiece.
00:47The kids are here, but where's the den mother?
00:53Hey!
00:55Have you seen my latest piece? It's called Bat Bits on Canvas.
01:52Oops, gotta run!
02:21Don't look at me like that, I'm going to be late!
02:52Looks like Joker's gonna need some new goons.
02:55See if you two can pick up his trail. I'll join you shortly.
02:58Where are you going?
03:00I have to deal with a whole other kind of craziness.
03:14Hurry, hurry, can't miss it!
03:18Yes!
03:19Here's Harley!
03:28Hiya, folks! Time for an hour of love and laughter with me, Dr. Harleen Quinzel!
03:39With Valentine's Day right around the corner, Harley's here with helpful advice. Talk to me.
03:46Hi, Harley. There's this girl I like.
03:49Three words, Romeo. Flowers, flowers, flowers. And never take no for an answer. Have a good'un, puddin'.
03:58What's your query, dearie?
04:00Dr. Quinzel, last week you told a girl named Monica to ignore her parents' wishes and go out with a guy named Stan.
04:06I remember. Two sweet, crazy kids in love.
04:10I'm Monica's mother! Where do you come off telling her?
04:15Sorry, folks. Just some nutcase. I told you to screen those calls.
04:21We'll be right back. Think loving thoughts!
04:28Pop psychology at its worst. That girl's theories are unfounded. Her professional manner's a joke, and her training, if any, is shoddy at best.
04:37I love this show! The girl's more screw-loose than me!
04:45Oh, Jimmy Herbert, network bigwig. What brings you to the set today? Let me guess, in search of fashion advice?
04:54Speaking of advice, what kind are you giving these people?
04:57Are you questioning me? Everyone who has an online degree in psychology, please raise your hand.
05:06Oh, okay. Then how about we let the professionals do their job? All right, hon?
05:11This show is supposed to help people. You've turned it into a circus.
05:15I know! And you want to talk circus? Wait till you see my Valentine's Day special.
05:21Look, there won't be a Valentine's Day special if you keep the...
05:24Oopsies! Gotta get back. Laters, Phil.
05:28Welcome back! I've got a real treat for you. An exclusive, very intimate one-on-one with Gotham's most elusive bachelor...
05:38Bruce Wayne!
05:43What's cookin', good-lookin'?
05:45Well, Dr. Quinzel...
05:48Call me Harley. Everyone does.
05:51Okay, Harley. I'd like to talk about the Wayne Foundation's charity drive for crime victims.
05:56Oh, civic-minded, too. But let's talk about your love life.
06:02Now, Harley, you promised I'd have a chance to promote the charity drive.
06:09We want the juice, Bruce.
06:12This is your secret life, Bruce Wayne!
06:17Whoa!
06:25Uh-oh.
06:26Bruce?
06:27Oh, yeah.
06:29You remember Kiki, don't you, Brucey?
06:35Well, she remembers you, and she's dishing the dirt!
06:40He's faced some pretty nasty sneak attacks, but nothing like this.
06:44We have to save him.
06:46It's too late, Robin. There's nothing we can do.
06:49So we're having an ice dinner, and suddenly he's all,
06:51I have to see to some important business.
06:53Out, Bruce Wayne runs, leaving me to pay the check.
06:59Oh, terrible. Just terrible.
07:04About time someone stuck into that rich oaf.
07:07How about we take some calls now?
07:13Hi, hi. You're on Heart to Heart with Harley.
07:16Evening, Harley. Mr. J here. Frequent watcher, frequent caller. Great show tonight.
07:21Mr. J, my favorite caller. Nice to hear from you again.
07:26I just wanted to say men like Bruce Wayne deserve to be baked into a giant pie,
07:30and then launched into the side of a building. Figuratively speaking, of course.
07:37Gotta say, your mind works in interesting ways, Mr. J.
07:41I've had enough of this. I'm out of here.
07:43Uh-oh. Hey! Hold your horses, Brucey. We're not done yet.
07:49Oh, yes you are. I'm sorry, Mr. Wayne.
07:51Neither this woman nor the show will ever trouble you again.
07:54You're no psychologist. You're a doctor.
07:57I'll never trouble you again. You're no psychologist. You're a joke.
08:01You're off the air.
08:08Oh, the poor kid. Yanked in mid-show. Should be an emotional wreck.
08:15Someone should take advantage of that.
08:28Face it, Holly. No one's ever going to take you seriously as a psychologist.
08:34They just can't see past my playful exterior.
08:39Story of my life.
08:46Hello?
08:47Dr. Quinzel? Forgive the intrusion, but I just had to meet you.
08:52I'm your number one fan.
08:58I'm Mr. J.
09:10Must admit, I'm surprised that you wanted to hang out.
09:16Most ladies would find my lifestyle eccentric.
09:19Oh, I may act goofy on TV, but I'm still a doctor.
09:23Extreme personalities intrigue me, and an extreme personality like yours
09:27might be the ticket to getting back my old show and maybe finally some respect.
09:33Oh, so you're springing old Mr. J. along just to write some tell-all book?
09:38I'll split the profits with you 50-50.
09:43You've got Moxie!
09:46I feed Moxie to the hyenas.
09:50Snitch!
09:56You're good.
09:58Now, what do you say we sit down and, you know, have a heart-to-heart with Holly?
10:05Huh?
10:06I don't know.
10:08I don't know.
10:10I don't know.
10:12I don't know.
10:14I don't know.
10:16Sit down with Holly.
10:19Huh?
10:22Oh, where do I begin?
10:26I guess for as long as I remember, I always wanted to make people laugh.
10:32I see.
10:40The neighbors say they saw the doctor leave freely with Mr. J.
10:43Wonder what he could want with her?
10:45He saw a vulnerable person he could manipulate.
10:47Someone good for a few laughs until he got bored.
10:50And join us again next week when Batman analyzes the Freudian implications of Penguin's Umbrella.
10:59It's bad enough the network said I wasn't a real psychologist!
11:04It said I was a joke!
11:07I happen to like jokes.
11:10Besides, there are worse names.
11:12I know, I've been called them.
11:15Guess we have a few things in common, huh?
11:22You know what two sad sacks like us need?
11:25A knight on the town!
11:27I don't know, that seems awfully unprofessional.
11:31Consider it research for your book.
11:33But what if...
11:34You're seen associating with a certified criminal whack job?
11:37Associating with a certified criminal whack job?
11:41A costume!
11:43That way no one will know it's you!
11:47Ha ha!
12:02Harleen Quinzel becomes Harley Quinn!
12:16Harleen Quinzel becomes Harley Quinn!
12:47I don't care who thinks we're silly!
12:49You be Daffy and I'll be Denny!
12:51We'll order up two bowls of jenny!
12:53Set the woods on fire!
12:56La la la la la la la la la la...
13:14I don't care who thinks we're silly!
13:16You be Daffy and I'll be Denny!
13:18We'll order up two bowls of jenny!
13:20Set the woods on fire!
13:25No riders!
13:47Huh? What was that?
13:49Hey folks! Don't mind us!
13:53Some fun, eh kid?
13:54Has anyone ever survived tonight out with you?
13:57There's a first time for everything!
14:02Leave him alone!
14:10Dr. Quinzel?
14:13Call me Harley Quinn!
14:16What are you doing? Joker's a psychopath!
14:19Better than what you are! A third wheel!
14:25Hold this for me, will you?
14:26Thanks!
14:29Use our floor!
14:36Fear not! Salvation is at hand!
14:43A little trick I borrowed from Penguin. Remind me to send him a fish.
14:55Huh?
15:05Authorities are at a loss to explain how the diamond was stolen from the high security vault and a police investigation is underway.
15:12In other news, there is still no official word on the bizarre transformation of Dr. Harleen Quinzel.
15:18Huh?
15:19According to eyewitness accounts, the doctor has been sporting a new look while keeping time with Gotham's most wanted wacko.
15:26Noted TV psychologist Elliot Blaine offered this observation.
15:30It's no surprise that Dr. Quinzel jumped the track.
15:34She was a sad, needy person who tried to fill the void in her own soul by dispensing superficial relationship advice to others.
15:43What?!
15:44I'll have a full profile of Dr. Quinzel tonight on my primetime special.
15:55You big phony! That was supposed to be my valentine special!
16:02Happy Valentine's Day, kid! I brought you something.
16:06What?!
16:15Pretty.
16:17I wanted to give you a present for all the fun we've been having. What is it that you want?
16:24That's what I want! To get even with those jerks! I was trying to help people and now I'm a bad guy?!
16:31More of an accomplice, actually.
16:37They should all suffer.
16:41Sounds like a hoot!
16:45What we have with Harleen Quinzel is a textbook case of a woman deluded by a fantasy image of herself as a healer and caregiver.
16:55Hey, Doc! I got a textbook case for ya!
17:00Oh!
17:07Hi, hi, Gotham! Polly's back for her special farewell show!
17:13Oh!
17:32Keep your seats, people! The little lady's just warming up!
17:38Aw, that's right, Puddin'. I'm going to set the record straight! Then finish my broadcasting career with a big bang!
17:50Let's go.
17:51What? We can't wait for the commercial?
17:57So, you didn't like my show?
18:02Well, try this one!
18:08When animals attack people I hate! It's a comedy!
18:19You're cancelled. Again.
18:37Aw, thanks, sweetie! Now drag her outside and joke-a-gas her or something!
18:42You? Ordering me around? Don't go too far. I've indulged you only because it amused me!
18:50Yes, sir!
18:54You little imp! I could never stay mad at you!
19:03Uh-oh.
19:07Ah!
19:13Don't move.
19:15Very funny.
19:19You bats won't pull the plug on my special!
19:28What have you done?
19:30They sent me down in flames, so I'm returning the favor!
19:38There are three more bombs planted around this building. Once they go, all Gotham Broadcasting comes tumbling down!
19:46Show the man, Harley!
19:52Not gonna happen.
20:04I'm okay. Help the audience.
20:08Whoa!
20:18This way, people!
20:24Time to make tracks, boys!
20:32So long, little Harley Quinn! It's been fun!
20:38No!
20:58The Joker doesn't care about anyone but himself. He never has, and he never will.
21:03You'd think a psychologist'd know better.
21:07I don't think so.
21:19Huh?
21:23Huh?
21:30Hey!
21:37Hey!
22:07Hey!
22:08Hey!
22:10Hey!