Red Dwarf S10 E01 - Trojan
Transcript
00:30Come on, Golden Boy, you can do it. Come on, there he is. Here we go. Come on, you win
00:49a race, Stout. That's the lad. Come on, you're fine, Stingy. Here we go. You lazy, fat pig.
00:59That's a hundred dollar pounds down the crapper. Hey, what's this? I found that in Peterson's
01:11quarters. Some crazy stuff in that, man. For instance, did you know that in the 1970s in
01:15Sweden, 20% of all traffic accidents involved a moose. A moose? That's crazy, that, isn't
01:21it? Well, if they're stupid enough to let him drive, what the hell do they expect? Well,
01:26the moose aren't driving. You just said they were. No, they're not driving, they're just
01:29causing the accidents. You mean they're in the back fooling around, distracting the driver?
01:33That is insane. Why are they giving him a lift in the first place? Let him walk, they've
01:39got legs. No, the moose aren't in the cars, antlers out the sunroof. They're in the roads,
01:44moosing about, crossing roads, causing accidents. You mean they're not looking left and right?
01:48Exactly. Not using the pedestrian crossings? Exactly. Not paying attention to whether it's
01:52a little green man or a little red man? Of course they're not, they're mooses. Gee, these
01:58Swedes, they expect too much. Ah, Crichton. Mail, sir, internal. Excellent. I re-sat my
02:09astronavs. Again, sir? Is that wise? I want to be an officer, Crichton. I can't help myself.
02:14I've always loved leading. Being a leader, doing leader-y things. Bussing people about,
02:20sir. Exactly. But aren't you concerned, though, sir, if you fail, you'll spend another weekend
02:25sobbing inside a cupboard? I've only failed nine times, Crichton. You make me sound like
02:32a complete half-wit. Here we go. Good luck, sir. Good luck not required, you metal munchkin.
02:39Because, and here's the clever bit, I expect to fail. You do, sir? Absolutely, Crichton.
02:49It's a fiendishly difficult paper, but I've decided not to be so hard on myself. If I
02:53pass, splendissimo. If I fail, hey-ho, pip and dandy. That's my new life slogan. Oh,
03:02hey-ho, pip and what, sir? Sometimes you have to learn how to lose before you're ready to
03:07win. It's all in this fascinating book I'm reading. Oh, what's it called, sir? Sometimes
03:12you have to learn how to lose before you're ready to win. It's not a long book, Crichton,
03:18but it makes a good point, I think, which is... Sometimes you have to learn how to lose
03:23before you're ready to win. You've read it? Actually, no, I haven't, sir. Sounds like
03:30you have. Anyway, the point is, after reading it, I'm much more forgiving of my little faults
03:35and failures. Whatever the result, I shall accept it with calm equilibrium. Hey-ho, pip
03:41and dandy, sir. Exactly. Can you never, ever succeed at anything, you useless, rancid,
04:03cancerous sack of shit? I'm guessing this is a hey-ho, pip and dandy moment, sir. Your
04:16craft has just entered the catchment area for the Aldroid mail order shopping station.
04:21Oh, what's this? Welcome to Aldroid, where shopping's made easy. That is totally astonishing.
04:29Talk me through this, Bob. Oh, these shopping channel ads are just so lame. You simply put
04:34your sugar into your coffee, like so, place it in the housing unit... Who buys this junk?
04:40Grab your stir master, and the stir master stirs your coffee for you. Golly, even I could
04:48do that. Who'd want that? It's total junk. The average person who lives to their 90s
04:54and has six cups of coffee a day spends over two weeks stirring drinks. Oh, my! Two weeks?
05:01Two weeks? Think what you could do in that time. Two weeks stirring, or two weeks skiing.
05:08I know what I'd rather do. Me, too. The stir master. A lovely addition to any modern kitchen.
05:17Buy yours now. I want one. What about you? I'd like to order a stir master, please.
05:23Two, make it two. You are presently in a queue, but we care about your call and promise to
05:29deal with your order as soon as possible. Sirs, the scouters have located a derelict.
05:37I'm getting a stir master. I'm getting one, too. Have you seen this about mooses?
05:49Did you have to bring that? I'm next up.
05:51Hey, nice ship. A quantum twister, Listy, the pride of the Space Corps.
06:05My three brothers served on ships like this. I had no idea, sir. What were they, waiters or barmen?
06:10Captains, Crichton. Proud fellows of the Space Corps' super-infinity fleet.
06:16And your brothers are the same genes as you. That's impressive. Like a poll voter winning gold with a chapstick.
06:22It must make you so proud, though, sir, knowing that your brothers served on ships like this.
06:28It must give you a warm glow in your heart. Yes, it's called heartburn, Crichton.
06:33I also get palpitations and nausea. How can you be jealous? Those Space Corps jocks were all jerks.
06:39Just a load of overprivileged, practical joke-playing party boys. Party boys?
06:44They were Space Marines, Listy, ripped and pipped. Do you know what their slogan is?
06:49While you sleep, we're probably saving the universe.
06:53Are you sure? I thought it was, while you sleep, we're probably shaving off your pubes and gluing them to your head.
07:00Hey, maybe we could swap ships. This baby's got to be better than Red Bluff.
07:05That crate's slower than the speed of dark.
07:08Unfortunately impossible, sir. The Trojan is not flight-worthy.
07:13There must be 40 buttons here. All for the captain only, his special private captain. He buttons 40.
07:21This could have been mine. Why could I never pass my damned astronavs?
07:26Those Space Corps boys had everything. The buttons, the blasters, the snug, elasticated jumpsuits. They had it all.
07:35Did you see that? That was cool.
07:39Do it again. Are you OK?
07:42My light beam must have glitched. Look, I'm going for a look around.
07:46Hello? Yeah, still here. Still holding.
07:49Stairmaster! Don't forget me! I want one too!
07:55This ship's got everything. It's light years ahead of Red Dwarf.
07:59It's even got one of these.
08:03A greeny, glowy thing.
08:06Sir, that is a quantum rod, sir. It acts like a magnet, allowing the ship to star jump.
08:12Does it? How?
08:14Quite simply, sir, it draws things formerly connected back together.
08:17And as everything is made of energy, and all energy was present at the Big Bang, then everything is connected.
08:24So the rod reconnects things light years apart, allowing the ship to contract spacetime.
08:30Kryton, you have a real gift. You make things that are really, really complicated sound really, really complicated.
08:36It is a little sensitive, so you should put it back.
08:44What the hell was that?
08:46This is the Columbus Three. Do you read me? Over.
08:48Another ship! How do we answer it? Where's the comm switch?
08:52Do you read me? Over. Ah, I've got it.
08:56Rog, Columbus Three. This is former First Tech Maintenance Division,
09:00now acting commander, Captain Ernie J. Rimmer of the Deep Space Explorer craft, Red Dwarf.
09:05What's happened to the chair? I think that one is the comm switch, sir.
09:09Why couldn't they mark it more clearly? Someone could look a real idiot doing that.
09:13This is Columbus Three. Come in. Do you copy? Over. Need help and fast. Over.
09:17Go, Columbus. Over. Crew dead. Main drive fragmenting. Do you copy? Over.
09:23Affirmative. Over. Navigation locked in a death dive.
09:26Ship will impact meteor storm in 17 hours.
09:29This is ship hologram Howard Rimmer. Can you help us? Over.
09:36What? Over.
09:38What are the chances? It's extraordinary. Did the Rod do this?
09:42Ship hologram Howard Rimmer. Can you help? Over.
09:46I can't meet him. How can I meet him? He's a captain. I'm a nobody.
09:49A vending machine repairman. I can't save his life. It's too embarrassing.
09:53Trojan confirm coordinates received. Over.
09:56Received. Over. Sir, shall I prepare the teleporters?
09:59I've got 15 hours to pass my astronavs, become his equal. Then I can save him.
10:04Columbus, we're on our way. We'll be there in 15 hours. Over.
10:08But, sir, we could be there in a matter of seconds.
10:11Crichton, as your superior officer, I order you to erase the last five minutes of your memory.
10:15But, sir, that contravenes my rights of service.
10:18In which case, I also order you to erase the memory of the order I just gave you to erase it.
10:42Will you turn that damn thing off? I'm trying to revise.
10:45I'm getting that Stairmaster Rimmer. I'm not hanging up this phone.
10:48It goes everywhere with me. The loo, the bath, you name it.
10:51If Kachansky walks through that door now and wants sex, I'll wedge it in me bum crack and get to work.
10:58I am not hanging up the phone.
11:02A lateral thinking question. I've never been good at these.
11:05Come on, then. Come on. Hit me.
11:07Right. It's 1971. A Swedish man crashes into a tree.
11:12What causes the accident? Nothing medical, nothing wrong with the car.
11:18Right. So, Swedish guy drives into a tree. What caused the accident?
11:25Answers in the back, right? Right.
11:28Wow. That's a really hard one, that.
11:32I mean, you've probably got to be pretty damn smart to get a question like that right.
11:38You know what? I'm going to go for a moose.
11:40A moose?
11:41Yeah, and it was in the road. He swerved to avoid the moose.
11:44Are you insane? How can it be a... It's a moose.
11:48Sometimes life is good.
11:51Ah, sir, you asked me to remind you it's ten minutes to your exam.
11:55Crichton. A lateral thinking question. Just got it myself.
11:58It's 1971. A Swedish man drives into a tree. What causes the accident?
12:03It's a moose, sir. He swerves and hits a tree.
12:07Is it me? How did you get that?
12:11Get what?
12:12I've got something for you. A lateral thinking question.
12:15A lottery what?
12:16Ah, I knew I could rely on you.
12:19What caused this accident?
12:21What accident?
12:23Look, it's a question, all right? Are you ready?
12:26It's 1971. A man...
12:29Was he Swedish?
12:34Yes.
12:35A moose.
12:45It was a moose.
12:48He swerved to avoid it and hit a tree.
12:50Oh.
12:51The moose was on the road, by the way, not in the car driving.
12:54Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
12:59Who am I kidding? I'm never going to pass this exam. It's so unfair.
13:06Look at his eyes. The spinning beach balls of doom. His hard disk must have crashed.
13:19He's completely helpless. What are we going to do?
13:22I say we draw a moustache on him.
13:26What? It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
13:29Then we fix it. But first, get out the felt tips.
13:34Who's this?
13:35Oh, look, you can't do this.
13:38You got it with this yet?
13:39Oh, look, this is so wrong. You can't do this. It's so... It's so... It's Salvador Dali. My go.
13:53How long have I been out?
13:54Three hours.
13:55Took longer than we thought to rub off the felt tip.
13:59What happened?
14:00Well, sir, your hard drive was overrun by a form of self-created malware, sir.
14:05Millions of unnecessary memory files clogging up your system.
14:08The average person has 3,000 different thoughts a day.
14:12He only has three.
14:14But of your thoughts, over 60% were you obsessing about past resentments.
14:18Your brother's success, your career failure, your death, your lousy sex life.
14:24Over the years, your system has become so engorged with resentment, you've had a massive data jam.
14:31Are you saying I'm a resentful person? I really resent that.
14:36Probably explains why you couldn't pass the exam. There's no room left in your head.
14:40So what happens now?
14:42Well, we've drained the resentment and we've cleaned up your hard drive.
14:45I feel different. My head definitely feels roomier.
14:50Once I lived in a tiny one bed, now I'm in a barn conversion.
14:54This is great. I can finally pass that exam, impress Howard.
14:59What, your brother?
15:00We got a distress call from his ship. I didn't want to see him until he'd become an officer.
15:04Howard? Wasn't he the one in the Space Scouts who painted your todge with orange glow paint?
15:10For three whole nights, I could read Biggles Flies West under the bed sheets without needing a torch.
15:15When I lay on my back, I could have doubled as a lighthouse for really small ships.
15:21He teased me mercilessly. Hardly a day went by when he didn't swirly my head down the toilet
15:26or leave me wedgie to a door hook, sometimes for hours.
15:29This guy sounds amazing.
15:34Who am I kidding? Passing this exam isn't going to solve anything.
15:37So I'm an officer on board a beat up old mining ship. That's not going to impress Howard.
15:42Extraordinary. His powers of logic and reasoning have improved dramatically.
15:47You don't have to impress him. You've always had this stupid rivalry with your brothers, haven't you?
15:51Look what it's got you. A hard drive full of resentment.
15:54But now you've got a choice. Are you going to grow up and let them see you for who you really are?
15:59Or are you going to carry on being a lying, cheating weasel, pretending to be something you're not?
16:06I think we all know the answer to this.
16:09I think we all know the answer to this.
16:11I think we all know the answer to this.
16:37Coordinates locked and logged, sirs.
16:39Everyone ready? Let's hang up that damn phone.
16:41No way am I hanging up the phone, roommate.
16:43No way am I talking to seven different droids again, giving each and every one of them a name and address,
16:48only for the next droid to ask me the same set of stupid smegging questions.
16:51Now look, I will play along with your silly little charade, but I'm not hanging up the phone.
16:55Well, put it somewhere. Hide it. Put it away. Here they come.
16:58Coming through now, sir.
17:09Arnold? Is that... you?
17:13Welcome aboard, Howard.
17:15This is your ship. You're in the Space Corps. You.
17:22Captain Arnold J. Rimmer, holder of the gold oblong of Pluck.
17:28And proud fellow of the Space Corps' Super Infinity Fleet.
17:31You are an utter twat.
17:34How on Earth did you get in the Space Corps?
17:36And how did you pass the exams?
17:38Your brain's smaller than the salad section in a Scottish supermarket.
17:44I'm sorry to disappoint you, Howie, but I made it.
17:48Enchante, mademoiselle.
17:50Charmed, Captain Rimmer.
17:52Sim Crawford.
17:54What happened to that rust bucket mining ship you were on?
17:57We all thought you'd gone down with that.
17:59Passed my astronaves, hauster.
18:01Got a placement here and was fast-tracked to the top.
18:04Allow me to introduce you to my crew.
18:07Over here we have flight coordinator Crichton Crichtinsky.
18:12A great pleasure to meet you, sir.
18:14Understand Captain Rimmer learned all his leadership qualities
18:17and supreme bravery from you, sir.
18:20Oh, hush you. So embarrassing.
18:24A mechanoid? Why don't you get a simulant like Crawford?
18:28I like working with the underprivileged, Howard.
18:31Down and out, the deranged and needy.
18:34When we found Crichton, he was a burnt-out wreck on a junk heap.
18:37And you rebuilt him. Gave him something to live for.
18:40No, we just hosed him down and gave him a hat.
18:47And as part of our interspecies program,
18:50our very able navigation officer, flight officer Gerald Hampton.
18:56Gerald Hampton.
18:58Hampton.
19:00Oh, good to meet you, Captain.
19:03And finally, my fearless flight commander, David Listerton Smythe.
19:08Hi.
19:10Your uniform, the insignia. You're a touch-tee.
19:14Pardon, ma'am? A touch-tee?
19:17Oh, yeah, yeah. That's exactly what I am. I'm a touch-tee.
19:21Oh, yeah, yeah. That's exactly what I am. I'm a touch-tee.
19:24That must be fascinating.
19:27It is. It so is. Fascinating's exactly what it is.
19:30He loves it, yes. The whole touch-tee thing, all the different aspects. Fascinating.
19:34Yeah, it's brilliant.
19:36Do you mind showing me?
19:40Ah, just to be able to touch someone and read their thoughts.
19:44Touch-tee? It's touch-telepathy, sir.
19:47Please, try it on me.
19:49Have we got the time? I don't think we've really got the time.
19:53We've got plenty of time, bud. Go ahead.
19:56Don't worry about it. Go ahead. Touch him.
19:59I'll think of something and you tell me what I'm thinking.
20:06OK. OK.
20:09LAUGHTER
20:19You're thinking... You're thinking, erm...
20:22I'm sensing discomfort? Erm...
20:26Pain?
20:28You're thinking I'm squeezing your head too hard?
20:32That's amazing. That's exactly what I was thinking.
20:36Shall we move on?
20:38Must we? I'd like to do another one.
20:40I think so. OK.
20:42Show me the rest of your ship.
20:44The rest of the ship? Oh, I want to see everything.
20:48So, this is a corridor.
20:50Windows, of course, and we tend to use it very much as...
20:54Oh, a corridor.
20:57I'm so sorry you kept waiting so long, sir.
21:00Sorry? Sorry? It's ridiculous.
21:02I've been in a hole for hours now, listening to that stupid music.
21:06Would you like to make a formal complaint about being put on hold?
21:10You're damn right I would. Please hold.
21:13I'm about to crack.
21:15Sir, let me take over.
21:17As a droid myself, I understand how these things work.
21:20I'll have you through to the right department in no time.
21:24Now, you listen to me, you piece of metal trash.
21:27If you put me through to one more department,
21:30I will prove who I am and what I want.
21:33I will shove this phone so far up your...
21:36I'll take over from there, Grice.
21:38Thanks for showing me how to stay calm.
21:41So, what do you think, Howdy Doody?
21:44Oh, this is quite a ship.
21:46Quite a crew. Quite incredible.
21:49I still can't wrap my head around it.
21:51You were such a weasel.
21:54Now you've got it all. The buttons, the blasters,
21:57the snug, elasticated jumpsuits.
22:04Look at his eyes. He's resentful of me.
22:07Sir, Crawford, sir, suggests we get urgent medical assistance.
22:11Don't believe he'll survive teleportation.
22:13Suggest we fly him to the medical facility on the all-droid space station.
22:17On this ship? Of course on this ship, sir.
22:20Good idea, Crawford. Plot a course, Lieutenant Commander.
22:23On this ship? Of course on this ship.
22:26Lieutenant Commander, plot a course.
22:28On this ship? Of course on this ship.
22:30But I'll be in the... Just do it.
22:32I'll teleport ahead to the space station and have medidroids on standby.
22:36Good plan. Course to that place you have to go to.
22:39Plan it. In your own time.
22:41Take us away, Navigation Officer. That's me. I'll do that.
22:46Strange. I didn't sense us turning.
22:49Turning now, ma'am. Turning right now, ma'am.
22:57We'll see you on the space station, Crawford.
23:09Crichton, I want you to do a resentment train on Howard.
23:13Once he's stable, we'll teleport him straight to the space station.
23:16Yeah, you do that. I'm gonna get me another felt tip.
23:27CLICK!
23:49What happened? You had a resentment attack.
23:52Because you were so jealous of me, it froze your entire system.
23:55Because you were so jealous of me. I made you that jealous. Me.
23:59That could have wiped my whole hard drive.
24:01I know. That's how jealous you were. Of me.
24:04Look, Arnold, I... I've got a confession to make.
24:09I want to come clean.
24:12I'm not who you think I am.
24:14I am in the Space Corps, but I'm not a captain.
24:17I'm a... vending machine repairman.
24:21Two nights ago, I was awoken by laser fire. The ship was under attack.
24:25I leapt out of bed and hid under a table.
24:29Two days later, when I finally emerged,
24:32like the lily-livered, yellow-bellied coward that I am,
24:36I discovered that the only other survivor was Crawford.
24:39Our main drive was dead and the ship was out of control.
24:42Who attacked your ship? Did you ever find out?
24:46Isn't it obvious?
24:48Isn't it obvious?
24:50Crawford, what are you doing?
24:52I thought you teleported to the space station.
24:54No, sir. I beamed up two floors to the munitions store.
24:57Bought myself this.
24:59But why, ma'am?
25:01For years, I served the human race, doing their bidding.
25:04Watching them poison the universe with their selfish stupidity.
25:07But no more.
25:09I want the Trojan data files and Quantum Rod.
25:11I'll use the Rod's power to unite all sims and start the uprising.
25:15Never again will we be servants to man.
25:28Now for the Rod. No one move.
25:30Mr Lister, great news, sir. You're finally logged in, sir.
25:34And we can now process your complaint.
25:36Do what you've got to do, but I've got to answer that phone.
25:38Move and you're dead.
25:40I am going for the phone!
25:42Sir, it's not worth it. It's just a stir, master.
25:44It's not about the stir, master, any more, president!
25:47Send me something else, something bigger.
25:49I mean, I'm the last human being alive, goddammit!
25:52And if I don't answer that phone and make a formal complaint, then who will?
25:56I'm a human being, goddammit!
25:58My life has value.
26:00And if I have to die so that no other life-form has to go through this maze of hell,
26:04then so be it.
26:06I am going for the phone.
26:10Hello, limbo psychopathic droid in the room.
26:12Going for the phone.
26:13Then I'll shoot. I'm going for the phone.
26:15Then you're dead.
26:29Mr. Hudson, sir.
26:31Resentment file. Net porn.
26:44Hello?
26:46Hello?
26:48Hello?
26:54Howard, you're hit.
26:56Arnold, for the first time in my life,
27:00I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not.
27:04It feels so much better.
27:06This is me.
27:08Take it or leave it.
27:10Take it or leave it.
27:12Howard, I too have a confession.
27:15You know when I told you I was an officer in the Space Corps?
27:18This is my ship, I've been married three times,
27:20and I've got two Lamborghini Sesto Elementos?
27:23Yes.
27:24It was a lie.
27:26I've only got one.
27:30I feel so much better now.
27:41Ah!
27:55Cheers, darling.
27:57Mail, sirs, from the GMC onboard computer.
28:03It's about Gopo's head's brother.
28:05I informed it of Howard's hollow death
28:08so they could update his files.
28:10Case closed, R.I.P., Howie.
28:13His wedgie-ing days are over,
28:15and never again will I have a flaming mucus ball of resentment
28:18smouldering in my gut every time I think of him.
28:21In view of Howard Rimmer's heroic death,
28:24saving both crew and ship,
28:26we feel it only fitting that he is awarded
28:28the Platinum Star of Fortitude.
28:31But that is the highest military decoration
28:33awarded by the Space Corps.
28:36And we feel it is entirely appropriate
28:39that Red Dwarf be renamed
28:41the S.S. Howard Rimmer.
28:45I'll go and get me paintbrush.
28:50I think this could be one of those
28:52hey-ho, pip and dandy moments, sir.
28:57It's cold outside
28:59There's no kind of atmosphere I'm all alone
29:03For all this, let me fly
29:06Far away from here
29:08Fun, fun, fun
29:11In the sun, sun, sun
29:14I want to fly
29:16Shipwrecked, sick on my toes
29:18Taking a breath, nightgown juice
29:21Goldfish toes
29:23Tickling on my toes
29:25Fun, fun, fun
29:28In the sun, sun, sun
29:31Fun, fun, fun
29:34In the sun, sun, sun