• 5 months ago
Transcript
00:30Scramble! Scramble! All hands on deck! Emergency drill! Scramble!
00:45Uh, perhaps you didn't catch that. I said SCRAMBLE!
00:51Yeah, that would be great with bacon and beans, man.
00:55Look, Starbug is a blazing inferno, the engine rooms are waist-deep in rocket fuel, and we're being attacked off the starboard bow by an unidentified craft.
01:02Really?
01:03No, of course not really. It's a drill. We're pretending Starbug's on fire and under attack.
01:08And I'm pretending to scramble, man. Goodnight.
01:12Look, you've got 30 seconds to get out of bed or I'm declaring you officially dead.
01:16Good, then we can rest in peace.
01:21Well, gentlemen, congratulations. Scrambling at a red alert situation, a new record time, 1 hour, 17 minutes, 39 seconds.
01:29Hey, not bad. And I bet we can get it down to 1.16 if we could have that fourth round of toast.
01:35You think I'm a petty-minded, bureaucratic nincompoop who delights in enforcing pernickety regulations because you get some sort of perverse pleasure out of it.
01:43And in many ways, you're absolutely damn right.
01:46But that doesn't alter the fact that the only way we're going to track down Red Dwarf and get through this in one piece is with a sense of discipline, a sense of purpose, and wherever possible, a sensible haircut.
01:56I'm going back to bed.
01:59Would it harm you to have hair like mine?
02:01I have got hair like yours, just not on my head.
02:08Well, I'm no stranger to the land of scoff.
02:11Perhaps you'd like to explain to me why it is that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest haircuts.
02:17Oh, surely not, sir.
02:19Think about it. Why did the U.S. Cavalry beat the Indian nation?
02:22Short back and sides versus girly hippie locks.
02:26The Cavaliers and the Roundheads, 1-0 to the pudding basins.
02:30Vietnam, crew cuts both sides, no score draw.
02:35Oh, for a really world-class psychiatrist.
02:38Check the screen. I'm getting something up my left nostril, and it's coming in fast.
02:42Scans are all negative, sir. At the risk of challenging your olfactory excellence, perhaps a re-smelling is in order.
02:49I'm telling you, bud, my nostril hair's a shimmy in faster than a grass skirt on a fat Hawaiian hula hoop champion.
02:55There's something out there.
02:57The scan's still dry.
02:59That's it. I'm invoking Space Corps Directive 68250.
03:0268250? But, sir, surely that's impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi.
03:09Forget it. Forget I was ever born.
03:11Sir, I'm very happy to perform the ceremony, but I'm absolutely bewildered as to how sacrificing poultry might clear up the screen problem.
03:18Wait a minute. Getting something. Major power surge off the port bow.
03:22He's right. Some kind of vessel. It appears to be uncloking.
03:25He's too damn close.
03:27That power surge all tussles around like what a bead of sweat in an aerobic teacher's buttock cleavage.
03:32Here it comes.
03:35Damage report. Superficial. Navvy comes down, slight rupture in fuel pipe nine,
03:41and somehow the pilot's headsets got jammed on the country and western channels.
03:46Second wave coming.
03:51God, what's he thinking of, warping that close to another vessel, damned space hog?
03:56My God, that's a Space Corps external enforcement vehicle.
03:59What? The space filth?
04:01A computer-controlled enforcement probe. It's scanning us now.
04:05Incoming.
04:07Property. Core space removing and equipment. Core space damaging.
04:11Ships. Core space of Syriza. Looting with charged formerly RU.
04:16The materialization must have scrambled its voice unit.
04:19It's making about as much sense as a Japanese VCR instruction manual.
04:23Pick you do how.
04:25It's in reverse. How do you plead?
04:28How do we plead to what?
04:30It's charging us with looting Space Corps derelicts.
04:32But we don't loot Space Corps derelicts. We just hack our way in and swipe what we need.
04:37Lister, this goes to trial. I demand separate lawyers.
04:41What's the penalty for this? Because if it means wearing outfits with arrows on, I'm committing suicide.
04:46No, sir. It means wearing outfits with wings and halos on, sir. The penalty is execution.
04:52Why so harsh?
04:53It's frontier law, sir, and we are the deep space equivalent of horse rustlers.
04:57Severe sentencing is the only way to maintain order. Don't expect it to show us any mercy.
05:02What do we do?
05:03Let's face it, sir. We're as guilty as the man behind the grassy knoll.
05:07Yeah, but if we admit to it, it'll blow us out of the stars.
05:10Recommendations?
05:11Suggest I take the rap for everyone, sir.
05:14You can say that I held you hostage and forced you at gunpoint to do my evil bidding.
05:18For God's sake, Crichton, we can't let you do that.
05:20Really?
05:21Dream on, metal trash. Get your hands in the air and step into that searchlight.
05:27We lift one, have you?
05:28No choices, then. We leg it. Plot a course for Scorpus City.
05:32Sir, a class A enforcement orb can easily outrun us.
05:35Crichton, the Eastbourne Zimmerframe Relay Team can easily outrun us.
05:39It's not about speed, it's about wit, brains and cunning.
05:42I was praying it wouldn't come to that, sir.
05:45Take a look at your screens. We're seven clicks away from the gulf zone.
05:47It wouldn't follow us in there in a gazillion years.
05:50No, because gulfs are untrustworthy scavengers with no regard for life, law or property.
05:54Right, so we'll be safe.
05:55Lister, you've heard the stories.
05:57They skin human beings alive and turn them into beanbags.
06:00Unless you want a triple-buttocked gulf sitting on your face for the rest of eternity
06:04and probing your crevices for lost forks and by-rows, I suggest you rethink it.
06:09It's the lesser of two evils, sir.
06:11In the absence of a sane plan, I suggest we go with Mr Lister's.
06:15Seconds 20 in fire and commence. Will I reply or absence in?
06:19Roughly translated, hit the re-heat.
06:21You don't have to tell me twice.
06:25Hit the re-heat.
06:27Sorry, but it looks like you do have to tell me twice.
06:32Fire and commence. Will I reply or absence?
06:34In which case, bony buts or movelets.
06:37Closed comms.
06:38Comms closed.
06:39Gulf zone six clicks from closing.
06:40Weapon lock registered.
06:41Pulse missile launched.
06:42Impact in ten seconds.
06:43That's it. We're platform shoes men.
06:45Firing chaff.
06:46Firing flares.
06:47Freeze for impact.
06:50Missed us.
06:51Warning shots across the bows.
06:52We won't be so fortunate next time.
06:54Four clicks to gulf zone.
06:55Another lock. This time it won't be a warning shot.
06:57Incoming pulse fire.
06:58Decoys launched.
06:59It's not going to be enough. Six seconds to impact.
07:01We've got to try and shake them off.
07:11We've lost it.
07:17Sorry, I was looking at the wrong panel.
07:25Damage report.
07:27It's bad, bud.
07:28Looks like Starbuck's been hit.
07:30Details halibut breath.
07:33Well, according to the damage report machine,
07:35there are several small fires in the cockpit.
07:37Lots of smoke.
07:38And the navicom's fizzing.
07:42Aw, damn.
07:43Now the damage report machine's exploded.
07:46Another lock on.
07:47This one's to finish us off.
07:48How far to the gulf zone?
07:49Click and a half.
07:51We've lost three fuel tanks.
07:52There's barely enough left to get us stable.
07:54Wait, I'm picking something up.
07:55Got it.
07:56Turn it on visual.
07:58Look at the size of that thing.
07:59It must be a mile across.
08:01A gulf icon carved out of a solid rock.
08:03There's some kind of warning beacon.
08:05An incoming message.
08:06Cognize that finish.
08:10Running it through the translator.
08:12This is gulf space.
08:14Death to the stranger.
08:16Pulse missile launch.
08:17Impact in 12 seconds and counting.
08:19Cap, head for the eye socket.
08:21The eye socket?
08:22There's no way through, it's a dead end.
08:23Just do it.
08:24Eight seconds.
08:25We're heading for solid rock.
08:27Three seconds.
08:28Two, one.
08:35Eighty percent of the maneuvering thrusters are out.
08:37The infrared reports 53 separate fires.
08:40Sprinkler systems are down on all three decks of the engine room.
08:43There's no way to put it out.
08:44As soon as it hits the fuel tanks, we'll blow.
08:46Wait a minute, gulf moon bearing 356 by 121.
08:50It's got an ocean.
08:51Can you get us there?
08:52Does mouth shit roll?
08:54I'll get you there, buddy.
09:10Look at it.
09:11With all our possessions, all our valuables,
09:13between fire, flood and impact damage, we've lost damn near everything.
09:18Well, at least Mr. Lister's guitar survived intact.
09:27Not even Mr. Lister's guitar survived intact.
09:31It's waist high down there,
09:33but I managed to get the pumps working again.
09:35Three hours, we'll be dry.
09:38Thrusters, boosters, reheat.
09:40This repair can take care of everything
09:42apart from the oxygeneration unit, which is totally kaputsky.
09:45So you're saying we can take off, but we can't breathe?
09:47And we can't repair it?
09:48It's a black and charred mess.
09:50Worse than one of Lister's drunken fry-ups.
09:52Well, we're snookered.
09:53Unless we get out there and trade with the gulfs.
09:55Trade? You can't be serious.
09:57Sir, it does appear to be our only option.
10:11Give me the arrow.
10:13It could tell us a whole heck of a lot about what we're dealing with here.
10:18Anything?
10:19Yep. This came from a boar, right?
10:22I'm sorry. I was expecting to get a lot more than that.
10:25As we anticipated, they are the Kinetowahwe.
10:28Good. I've studied the dialect.
10:30They are one of the friendlier Kintatech, or tribes.
10:34Nice welcome.
10:35No, sir. It is a great khanow, or welcome.
10:38No, sir. It is a great khanow, or honour to be greeted in this manner.
10:42They would have killed us the instant we landed if they had taken exception to us.
10:45That's a very good sign.
10:47What? It's a good sign they haven't killed us?
10:50Absolutely, sir.
10:51With the Kinetowahwe not skinning you alive the moment they set eyes on you is one of their warmest greetings.
10:56We are indeed khanhaset, or blessed.
10:59And, Crichton, you are indeed a kachumbabo, or smart aleck metal git.
11:08I will tell them we are traders in search of an engine part, and that we have many rare treasures to trade.
11:21Kinetowahwe. Nech-nichi-chistan. Khanowah-nachu-machu.
11:29Yur-nee-ar-dar-daga.
11:32Look. Look what we've got. Look. We've got, um, we've got Swiss watches.
11:36Huh?
11:38Levi jeans.
11:42Hey, hat. Look at this.
11:44Hey, nice hat.
11:45Cigar?
11:47Hey, cool boot.
11:50Might I suggest caution, sir? Some gulls have their sphinctral orifices in their faces.
11:56Let's hope you haven't offended him.
11:59No, he seems quite pleased.
12:01We need an oxy-generation unit. Savvy?
12:05Agi-gan-bahu-nat-wah-hah-hu.
12:08Ah, ah.
12:09Ha-lee-zah. Ha-lee-zah-dah.
12:11Cat, get the case, man.
12:19That seems to be going well.
12:21What is that thing?
12:23It's an emo-hog, sir. A polymorph that spayed at birth and half domesticated.
12:28It's trained to change shape at its owner's behest.
12:31Like all polymorphs, it's an emotional beach.
12:34It has the ability to steal emotions from living creatures.
12:37Emotions are a highly valued trading commodity.
12:40Ah, the oxy-generation unit.
12:42Looks like they're ready to fix a price.
12:44I thought we'd fixed a price with all the bangles and baubles we've given them.
12:47No, sir, that was just for the honour of entering their wah-tun-ga, or hut.
12:50The bartering proper begins now.
12:57Oh, dear.
12:59What? What, you want my hat?
13:05My jacket? You want my jacket?
13:07No, sir, he doesn't want your jacket.
13:09He doesn't want me long-johns, does he?
13:11Not your long-johns either, sir.
13:13Well, what, then?
13:18Me? He wants me?
13:20Yes, sir. He says in exchange for the oxy-generation unit,
13:24he wants you to be his daughter's mate.
13:27That's his daughter?
13:30One of three.
13:32Apparently, sir, she's the looker.
13:36Tell him not if she was the last warty yeti lookalike in the world
13:40and I was the only boy.
13:42Come on, Lister, you've dated worse.
13:45Only due to very poor disco lighting.
13:55He says no wedding, no OG unit.
13:59Gan-ga-ha-na-guh.
14:01Hmm.
14:02Gan-ga-ha-ha.
14:04He's giving us five Hanukkah to decide.
14:06How long's a Hanukkah?
14:08Curiously enough, it's exactly the same as one Earth minute.
14:11Five Hanukkah? That only gives us 28 hours.
14:15OK, look, let's get out our sheet music and play the real waltz.
14:21There's no way I'm going down to Mosbros for anyone
14:24who is less attractive than my own armpit
14:26after 20 games of table tennis.
14:29What about us?
14:30You're not going to hang all of us out to dry
14:32just because for some reason she doesn't hit your G-spot.
14:35What about sacrifice, putting your friend's interests
14:38before your own selfish drives?
14:40It would never work out. She's obviously an Aries.
14:43And me and Aries forget it.
14:46Sir, they are proud people and they will not change their mind
14:49unless you are prepared to stay here and marry...
14:55That's a name!
14:57I could never settle down with anyone whose name
14:59sounds like a footballer clearing his nose.
15:03The plan is obvious. We do the trade, you go through with the wedding.
15:07When everybody's asleep, we come back and rescue you.
15:10What do you say?
15:11Not a chance in hell!
15:19I do.
15:24What's he saying?
15:25You may kiss the bride, sir.
15:28Not a bad idea.
15:44Hey, don't be strangers, guys!
15:46See you soon, drop in any time!
15:49Any time!
15:52Hanebech, yech.
15:54Ogigan, yech.
16:22Well, darling, what a day!
16:26I'm pooped!
16:28Straight to sleep for me!
16:34Ogigan, yech.
16:36Ogigan.
16:38Maybe in the morning.
16:40Good night.
16:44You've been looking forward to this, haven't you?
16:47You've been looking forward to this, haven't you?
16:50You're not going to take no for an answer, are you?
16:52Knocking!
16:55OK, just give me a couple of minutes.
16:57I want to slip into something a little bit more comfortable.
17:00It's called Starbug.
17:04Change of plan!
17:06Leggings!
17:08Stop!
17:35Wait, something's coming!
17:38It's the Emo Hawk!
17:40What happened? Where'd it go?
17:42It must have transmuted into something else.
17:44I suggest we proceed with extreme caution.
17:50It's somewhere close. I can smell it.
17:53It's a stick!
17:56No, it's not. Oh, my God, I'm so jumpy.
17:59I thought it was a stick.
18:02It is a stick!
18:05Where is it now?
18:06It's gone off into the undergrowth.
18:08Kat, you know what they're like.
18:10Stay on the case. Don't pick anything up.
18:12Unbelievable. Get in something else.
18:15100% concentration at all times.
18:18Yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:31That's it, we're here tonight. Damn thing can't get in now.
18:34And all it took was a little bit of concentration.
18:36How long before we can go?
18:38We don't really want to visit from Listie's in-laws
18:40demanding their wedding present back.
18:42It'll take an hour or so to get the oxygenation unit set up,
18:46but I suggest we take off now, sir,
18:48and use emergency supplies until the OG unit's online.
18:50And what if it doesn't work?
18:52Then the Kat and Mr. Lister will choke to death.
18:54A plan with no drawbacks.
19:05It's time we fitted that OG unit.
19:09Crisis?
19:10I'm on my way, sir.
19:11That smell's still driving me crazy.
19:14I've got to wash my hands. Transferring to auto.
19:35Ah!
19:47It's stolen my cool.
19:49It's taken all my style.
19:59I need the mirror.
20:05What's it done to me?
20:07I've got no grace, no elan, no poise.
20:13What's it turned me into?
20:17Dwayne Dibley?
20:19Dwayne Dibley?
20:23What is it? I heard noises.
20:25Look what it's done to me.
20:27It's turned me into Dwayne Dibley, the Duke of Dork.
20:30Oh, my God. Where is it?
20:33I lost it. It came in here somewhere.
20:35Can you smell it?
20:37The only scent I'm getting is extra-strong spot cream.
20:40And the bandage can't prove it doesn't work.
20:42It could be anywhere. It could be anything.
20:45Trust nothing.
20:47It may have outsmarted you.
20:49But it's going to have to get up pretty darn early in the a.m.
20:52to outsmart Arnie J.
20:56I don't recall seeing it before.
20:58The gun. The emo hawks. The gun.
21:04God, that was close.
21:06I hope you're right, cos if you're not,
21:09we just flushed away our only gun.
21:12Just leave the thinking to me, keyboard teeth.
21:17Lister, Crichton, the cat was right.
21:19We had brought the emo hawk on board.
21:21But lucky for you guys, old Iron Butt was around to sort it out.
21:25That's weird. There's something wrong with this microphone.
21:28It's not transmitting.
21:33Are you OK, sir?
21:35It's removing my bitterness.
21:37Taking my negativity. Slurping out all my snidiness.
21:52It's done now, sir. It's OK to come out.
21:58That old man.
22:00Looks like we both bought a bike from the little blighter.
22:03Let's track it down before it harms Criters and Dave.
22:07I'm afraid this means...
22:09death for both of us.
22:11That's a small price to pay to save our chummies, eh?
22:14What a guy. Listen...
22:18Before we leave, I've just got to change these clothes.
22:21If I don't get into some sideways iron flares
22:24and transparent plastic sandals,
22:26I swear I'll go crazy.
22:29Do what you have to, old chum.
22:31I'll go tell them we're having a party.
22:35What was that?
22:37It's the hydraulic lock, sir. We're sealed in.
22:40It won't override.
22:42I've sealed you in the engine room, Dave.
22:45Afraid me and the cat have taken a bit of a nip from the emo hawk.
22:48It's on board.
22:50It's taken my bitterness and the cat's cool.
22:52He's in a hell of a shape. He's looking so geeky,
22:54I don't think he could even get into a science fiction convention.
22:57And the emo hawk is still on the loose?
22:59I've got it pinned down in the ops room.
23:01Well, let us in. You need all the help you can get.
23:03No one I'd rather have with me in a fricar, Dave,
23:05but you're the last human being alive, old glove.
23:07And frankly, you're just far too damn valuable a risk.
23:10Only one way to guarantee victory for the Home 11,
23:13I'm going to open the airlock,
23:15suck the little perisher out of the deep space.
23:17But, sir, that would also kill you and the cat.
23:19He won't suffer, Criters.
23:21I'll snap his neck when he's not looking.
23:23Won't feel a thing, believe me.
23:25He'd want it this way.
23:27But, sir, if we could capture the creature,
23:29we could extract the DNA strands and re-inject you both,
23:32restore your former personalities.
23:34Too risky, Critey.
23:36Any case, I don't think I could face becoming...
23:38him again.
23:40Everyone has his limits.
23:42Fellas, smoke me a kipper. I'll be back for breakfast.
23:45What a guy.
23:47But, sir, we've got to save them from themselves.
23:49Their minds are totally distorted.
23:51The cat's a complete yutz.
23:53And Mr Rimmers?
23:55Well, nice.
23:57Good job, Bazookoid.
23:59We'll blast our way in.
24:06Ready, old chum?
24:08Just let me check.
24:10Thermos, sandwiches, cornflasters, telephone money,
24:13dandruff brush, animal footprint chart,
24:16and one triple-thick condom.
24:19Whoo!
24:21No.
24:23Okay, Dwayne.
24:25Let's step into the airlock and get part two of the plan under way.
24:28Oh? What plan is this?
24:30Just step in there, Dwayne.
24:35So, uh, what precisely is the plan, then?
24:38I think you'll find it a little more comfortable
24:40if you, uh, stand in front of me.
24:43Why are we in this airlock?
24:45Just relax, old chum.
24:47I'm sending you on ahead.
24:49Scout party?
24:53Dave, you crazy fool!
24:55We're all set to save your bacon.
24:57There's no need for you to sling your love spuds on the barbecue.
24:59I'm sure our best chance is to tackle the emo hog together.
25:02Yeah. One square to liquid delineum.
25:04It'll freeze it exactly where it stands in whatever shape it's in.
25:08Okay, fellas.
25:10Let's go.
25:14Looks like it's lasered its way back down to the engine rooms.
25:17It's probably looking for you two gents.
25:19Let's go.
25:30According to the psi scan, it's somewhere in this location.
25:33It's the barrel!
25:35Sorry. False alarm.
25:41The chain. It's moving!
25:43Sorry. Sorry.
25:45Sir, try and remain calm.
25:47You're experiencing a classic knee-jerk paranoid reaction to a terrorist situation.
25:51It's essential at this time that we...
25:52It's the wall!
25:56Shame overload. I... I... I... I... Sorry.
25:59This is impossible.
26:01How can we find something that can disguise itself as anything?
26:04How can we load it out?
26:06Worry ye not, Davey boy. It'll strike soon enough.
26:16I dropped my thermos.
26:20Uh, excuse me, sir.
26:22Gentlemen.
26:24I think we have a suspect.
26:28I got it!
26:30I got it!
26:32Oh. Turned into a grenade.
26:34But I got it.
26:36Toss it away, old chump.
26:37I can't throw. I throw like a geek.
26:40Just chuck it.
26:43It's gonna blow!
26:45Leave this to me, Davey boy.
26:49Smoke me a kipper, I'll be...
26:51Freeze it, Davey boy!
26:56But sir, how did you know it wouldn't damage your hard-light drive?
27:00Didn't, Criters. Just trying to protect you chaps.
27:03Well, sir, better get you back to normal.
27:06Would it be possible for me to stay like this for another 24 hours
27:09before I have to return as that ghastly maggot?
27:12It's the least we can do to thank you, sir.
27:14And you, Cat, would you like to stay as Dwayne?
27:16Suck my thermos.
27:18I hate being the prince of darkness.
27:20You never know when the next clumsy thing's gonna...
27:26What a dibbly!
27:40Fun, fun, fun
27:43In the sun, sun, sun
27:47Walk to life, shipwrecked and comatose
27:50Drinking fresh mango juice
27:53Goldfish shows nibbling at my toes
27:57Fun, fun, fun
28:00In the sun, sun, sun
28:04Fun, fun, fun
28:07In the sun, sun, sun