Taskmaster Season17 Episode6
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TVTranscription
00:00 (musique)
00:28 (applaudissements)
00:36 - Hi, hello! Welcome, welcome to Taskmaster,
00:40 a show that if my social media communications
00:42 are anything to go by, attracts sociopathic nerds
00:46 who mistakenly believe they have the right to reply.
00:49 As do the following five Task Titans.
00:52 Please welcome Joanne McNally,
00:55 John Robbins, Nick Mohamed,
00:58 Sophie Willand,
01:00 and Steve Pemberton.
01:03 - And next to me, a man who on a night out
01:06 recently confided in me about his theory
01:09 that strength of regional accent is directly related
01:13 to lack of intelligence.
01:15 (rires)
01:17 Don't shoot the messenger.
01:19 Shoot...
01:20 - Little Alex High!
01:22 (applaudissements)
01:24 (applaudissements)
01:27 - Hello, Greg. - Hello, there.
01:29 - I want to talk about something quite grown-up,
01:31 a bit of adult stuff.
01:33 (rires)
01:34 I'm so sorry, but what's that under there?
01:37 Greg, what's that under there?
01:39 - Where? - No, what's that under there?
01:41 - Underwear.
01:43 - Oh, underwear! She said underwear!
01:45 (rires)
01:47 (applaudissements)
01:50 - Shall we have the prize task?
01:52 - We shall see a prize task,
01:54 and things are going to get hot in here,
01:56 because we're going to get to see
01:58 their most extraordinary pictures.
02:00 Five points for the picture Greg thinks is the most extraordinary,
02:03 and one lucky winner will take home five extraordinary pictures.
02:06 - Hello, Sophie. - Oh, hello.
02:08 - What extraordinary picture have you brought me?
02:10 - I set up a little studio in my dressing room,
02:12 and I made you this.
02:14 (audience groans)
02:16 - It's good. - It's the Dancing Bowl!
02:18 - From episode one. - Oh, that's great.
02:20 - I'll give you a different take on it, Nick.
02:22 (rires)
02:24 Why is it extraordinary, though?
02:26 I mean, it's extraordinary to discover that you've got
02:28 some level of ability at art.
02:30 - Really? You think so?
02:32 - I mean, you know, GCSE.
02:35 - I think why it's extraordinary is,
02:38 look at the fur at the ends that's flinging off.
02:40 That was purposeful.
02:42 - Could it be a vole that's very recently died?
02:45 (laughter)
02:47 - I thought it was running into a fire.
02:49 (laughter)
02:51 - It's neither bad nor extraordinary.
02:53 - Well done, Sophie.
02:55 (laughter)
02:57 - Nick, what have you brought in?
02:59 - Well, so this is a picture that I have taken,
03:02 and it's a picture of a sign outside of a church
03:05 quite near where I live, and I just find it extraordinary
03:08 that "T's" is so big.
03:10 (laughter)
03:12 It's a church, and it's like, why are they screwing "T's"?
03:16 I love it! It's really "T's"!
03:18 - It's a slight raise of voice on "till" and "Sunday" as well, isn't there?
03:21 - Yeah. St Anne's Church, homemade cream "T's" for you again!
03:24 "Till, hargain, Sunday!"
03:26 (laughter)
03:28 - It's going to get the shit out of me, that!
03:30 (laughter)
03:32 - It is extraordinary. - Thanks, Greg.
03:34 - Jon. - Hi, Greg. - Can you beat a shouty sign?
03:36 - We all work in entertainment in various forms,
03:39 and people watching us might think that's a very glamorous industry.
03:42 - Mm. - However, my picture was taken of a comedian
03:45 called Paul McCaffrey, and captures the true bleakness
03:49 of being a travelling comedian better than any image
03:53 in the history of civilisation.
03:55 (laughter)
03:56 - Jesus Christ, that's a build-up.
03:58 (laughter)
04:00 Oh, my God. I have been in that chair.
04:08 (laughter)
04:09 I love that he's being papped in a restaurant,
04:12 he's being recognised from a TV show,
04:15 and the guy taking the picture is sort of unaware
04:19 of the moment of complete, sort of...
04:23 It's a mixture of self-hatred... - Yeah.
04:26 - It's bafflement at how life turned out this way.
04:30 - Do you know what? When I first saw it, I didn't even realise
04:32 that someone had taken that picture and posted it.
04:35 I thought it was someone Paul knew. - No.
04:37 - No, it's a member of the public.
04:39 (laughter)
04:40 - Wow. That's going to take some beating.
04:42 Joanne?
04:43 - You said an extraordinary picture, and I was like,
04:45 "Mine's more experiential.
04:47 "Mine's a thought, a movement, an experience."
04:49 - Ready? - Yeah.
04:50 - Ready? - Ready for the experience.
04:52 - I'm going to turn away and I'm going to experience it.
04:54 - No, you have to look at it to experience it.
04:56 (laughter)
04:57 - There, look. Oh, show, yeah.
05:05 (laughter)
05:09 - But that's Che Guevara.
05:11 - I know who it is.
05:13 - On a balloon. - Yeah.
05:15 - I thought it was important to just raise awareness...
05:19 - Of Che Guevara. - Of Che on a balloon.
05:21 - Yeah. - And if you give me the five points,
05:23 I will donate my fee to the Cuban revolution.
05:26 (laughter)
05:27 - They do have a GoFundMe I've just found out.
05:29 - The Cuban revolution.
05:31 (laughter)
05:32 - What is the political statement you're making?
05:34 - I'm making the statement that balloons are pricey.
05:38 - That's inflation!
05:40 (laughter)
05:41 (applause)
05:42 - Actually, you didn't say it was extraordinarily good,
05:48 you just said extraordinary. Mine's extraordinarily shite.
05:51 (laughter)
05:52 - Very great.
05:53 (applause)
05:54 - Hello, Steve. - Hello.
05:57 - What I've brought in is a photograph of two friends.
06:00 - Here it is.
06:01 (laughter)
06:05 - The gentleman on the right, whose name is Glug Gravies,
06:10 he was a geography teacher who took early retirement.
06:14 And then his friend, Alan Horns, runs a pub quiz.
06:18 - It is sinister, isn't it?
06:20 I mean, we're not...
06:21 we're not great-looking guys with our own faces.
06:24 (laughter)
06:25 - For Jesus Christ!
06:29 - You must have thought about, though...
06:31 - I must have thought about swapping our faces?
06:33 - On a long flight, all I think about is your torso,
06:36 and one of my eyes, one of yours, your legs, my arms,
06:39 and just see what... you know, see how that works.
06:42 (laughter)
06:43 - That's funny, isn't it?
06:44 It's a relatively short thing he said to me,
06:46 and yet I still tuned out halfway through.
06:48 (laughter)
06:49 - Sometimes I just mark on instinct, OK?
06:53 I didn't find Che Guevara's balloon going down
06:56 in remotely extraordinary.
06:57 I'm giving it one point.
06:58 I don't like looking at our faces,
07:00 even if they're chopped off and put on the other face.
07:03 I'm giving that two points.
07:04 I think you're perfectly good at art.
07:06 - All right, thank you, I'll take that.
07:08 - I'll give you three points.
07:09 Shouty Tease, four points.
07:10 The Paul McCaffrey Scream of Despair, five points.
07:14 - Well done, well done.
07:15 (applause)
07:17 - Right, let's get on with the task proper, shall we?
07:20 - OK, then, Greg.
07:21 And get a load of this one if you can bear it.
07:24 (music)
07:26 (musique)
07:28 (musique)
07:30 (musique)
07:32 (musique)
07:34 (musique)
07:36 (musique)
07:38 Hi! Yes! Present. Thank you.
07:40 Ah! What are you wearing?
07:46 My special belt.
07:49 Hello.
07:50 I was hiding. You were hiding?
07:52 You look like a sort of action hero,
07:53 or as close to an action hero as you are going to look.
07:58 Sophie? Yes, are you all right?
08:00 Just taking precautions. Right. Oh, God, OK.
08:04 Hello. Are you wearing a girdle?
08:08 Be the most impressive load-bearer.
08:12 Be the most impressive load-bearer?
08:16 Hmm.
08:17 In 15 minutes' time, you must stand at the doormat,
08:20 wave with one hand above your head
08:21 and give a nice big thumbs-up with the other
08:24 whilst bearing the most impressive load.
08:26 Right.
08:29 Your load must not be touching anything other than you.
08:34 Your time starts when Alex interrupts you.
08:36 It's called a support belt.
08:38 Your time starts when Alex inter...
08:40 Wearing a girdle, Steve.
08:42 You're wearing a girdle.
08:44 Your time starts when Alex interrupts...
08:46 Good luck with the task!
08:47 I've started the clock. Oh, yeah.
08:49 Your time starts when Alex interrupts you.
08:55 You...
08:56 I've missed my opportunity.
08:59 I'm going to try again.
09:02 You have to say something.
09:04 I'll have to interrupt you physically.
09:08 Is that OK? Fair enough. I'm wearing a weightlifter's belt.
09:18 A good sign of Alex being an absolute narcissist, I think,
09:24 the attention he wanted for wearing that weightlifter's belt.
09:27 There's no reason for him to wear it. He's just going, "Everyone look at me."
09:30 He goes, "Oh, he's such a nice guy." No, the guy's a prick.
09:33 OK, it's all about load-bearing, right? Yeah.
09:38 We start with a bit of Joe and a bit of So.
09:41 OK, well, I suppose I'll take that. Yeah, yeah.
09:43 What's this for, to balance it out?
09:45 It's for strong men. Oh, so can I stick stuff in there?
09:48 Do whatever you want, Joanne.
09:50 Hmm. What's impressive as a load?
09:54 What's an impressive load?
09:56 Like, could I wear that around my neck?
09:59 No.
10:00 I brought the bucket of balls.
10:09 I mean, there's a lot of this, it's just looking in that shed
10:12 and sort of having a panic attack, isn't it, really?
10:15 Well, well, well. Look at this.
10:20 I think it's all about utilising different structures, isn't it,
10:25 within your own body.
10:28 Are you in pain? Not at all.
10:31 I've never felt better.
10:33 So I've maximised the load by using the pegging system. Yeah.
10:40 That's the load in itself, and then I've loaded the loader,
10:43 and then there's some steering wheels and hula hoops
10:45 around the neck for balance.
10:47 Oh, and a plunger in there somewhere, yeah, look at that. Lovely.
10:50 This is good, cos then what I can do is put the balls...
10:55 ..in the skirt.
10:56 Shall I pour them in? Yeah.
10:58 I'll get it.
10:59 Right. It's quite wet.
11:05 Yeah, it is quite wet, so I wasn't expecting that, were you? No.
11:08 Release.
11:14 Oh, no!
11:16 Oh, no.
11:22 Did anyone now and saw that today?
11:24 Well, interesting.
11:32 I thought both ladies did what we call on this show a shed panic.
11:36 Joanne, did you think it was impressive?
11:40 I mean, yeah.
11:41 I clipped all the cutlery individually onto that pegging thing.
11:44 I mean, that's the one thing I would say you did quite well.
11:47 Yeah. Aside from that, what I wrote down is,
11:50 "You look like an old lady who's had to fall into a room of her own tat."
11:54 This is Sophie and Joanne, they're in their impressive loads.
11:59 If I didn't know what this task was,
12:04 I wouldn't say that woman's got an impressive load.
12:08 I look deranged. Oh.
12:12 I mean, you look like you've done a lot of shouting in a high street.
12:19 Sophie looks like she's turned up to a beach party
12:22 that everyone has desperately tried to stop her finding out about.
12:25 I mean, it's hard to know which one of these two you want to turn up last.
12:32 Both of them are saying, "I didn't get any of the WhatsApps."
12:37 Have you got some statistics for me?
12:41 Yes, we did weigh the amount of load they were bearing.
12:44 Sophie, 13.2kg versus 5.4 for Joanne,
12:48 half of which was the traffic cone.
12:50 Right, who are we going to see next?
12:53 It's time to get a load of Nick and Steve.
12:56 They're an impressive load.
12:58 Bear.
12:59 Bear.
13:00 Bear.
13:01 Bear.
13:02 Got a rare tiger, don't know why, but it's quite impressive.
13:05 Also, it's got a sort of natural...
13:07 How heavy's the caravan?
13:11 I'm only kidding.
13:13 Let's see some dress-up clothes.
13:15 If you go into the secret room...
13:17 The secret room?
13:19 Yes, in the caravan.
13:21 It's like... This is a way of sort of being kind of...
13:24 Have you done this sort of thing before?
13:27 No.
13:28 Right. Have you found the secret room?
13:30 This? Oh, my God!
13:32 You're kidding!
13:34 Oh, my God! This is amazing!
13:36 Come on, Linda.
13:38 Nick. Oh, yeah.
13:41 Right.
13:46 What I'm going to do is create somebody who's riding the tiger
13:49 and the tiger and the person are on my back.
13:52 We can do this.
13:58 We can do this.
14:00 Another six inches, Steve.
14:02 It's easy for you to say.
14:04 I have to do it, still maintain some dignity.
14:07 That is the question.
14:14 OK.
14:16 Oh, oh, oh! There you are.
14:19 It's quite windy, Steve.
14:26 How long have I got, Alex?
14:31 You've got two minutes, Nick.
14:33 We are...
14:35 attempting something that's not been attempted before...
14:38 on UK TV.
14:41 LAUGHTER
14:43 You've kept your dignity. Thank you.
14:49 APPLAUSE
14:57 Well, Steve, what a showman.
15:03 You know what? When I found out there was a secret dressing-up room,
15:08 I was that little five-year-old boy again.
15:10 And to see you acting like a five-year-old boy was very creepy.
15:14 One of my favourite moments from the series so far
15:18 is the question and answer, "Have you ever done this before?"
15:21 "No."
15:23 The way you picked that chair up, I thought,
15:26 "Oh, well, he's obviously done street performance or something."
15:29 The confidence with which you...
15:31 "Oh, yeah, I can pick up a chair."
15:35 LAUGHTER
15:37 "Oh, you just have to be up to it."
15:41 LAUGHTER
15:45 APPLAUSE
15:53 APPLAUSE
16:04 Welcome back to the second part of today's Taskmaster Hour.
16:07 Yes, and as Darwin said,
16:09 "A man who dares to waste one hour of time
16:12 "has not discovered the value of life."
16:14 Whoopsie!
16:16 Our contestants are trying to become the most impressive load-bearers.
16:20 We only have one man left to see, and his John is Robbins.
16:23 Oh, I don't mind that.
16:27 Have we got any model Gregs around?
16:30 Because it would be quite impressive
16:32 to have Greg on the old shoulders.
16:34 Yeah, can you get me some Gregs, please?
16:38 I've got some little Gregs. I've got one more big Greg coming.
16:45 So what I'm thinking is...
16:47 Well, it's a classic case of a gutter of Gregs.
16:50 Yes, Alex?
16:55 Oh, this is good stuff.
16:57 This is great.
17:01 This is Greg, sorry.
17:03 Ladies and gentlemen,
17:05 I'm proud to present the most impressive load
17:08 ever carried by man or woman.
17:10 Feast your eyes...
17:12 ..on the one and only
17:16 gutter of Gregs!
17:19 Yes.
17:23 CHEERING
17:25 APPLAUDISSEMENTS
17:27 Ladies and gentlemen,
17:36 there is nothing we can't do
17:39 with a gutter of Gregs!
17:42 That's your time-up, John. Thank you, Alex.
17:47 Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
17:52 You think appealing to my ego is going to get you points on this show, do you?
17:56 Yep. Very wise.
17:58 Well, you just have to work out how impressed you are.
18:02 So, first of all, Sophie and Joanne, who look like this.
18:05 Yeah.
18:07 And then the three gentlemen did these things.
18:12 Oh, that's... Yeah. We have Nick. Come on, that looks good.
18:15 Why have they blurred the cow's face?
18:17 We have Steve.
18:19 That doesn't look as good as I remember, Steve.
18:22 And then we have John's.
18:24 It's a bit morched out, isn't it? It is.
18:27 I'm sorry, Joanne, yours is the least impressive final load.
18:31 One to Joanne. Five.
18:33 Two points for Sophie, three for Steve.
18:36 The narrative was impressive.
18:38 I'm showing humility by giving four points to John.
18:41 And I'm sorry, the final image that I found the most impressive
18:44 was old snooker queue umbrella chin, and I stand by it.
18:47 Five points for that. Well done.
18:49 Can you tell me the scores?
18:54 Yeah, Sophie and Steve, both on five.
18:56 John and Nick, both on nine.
18:58 APPLAUSE
19:00 What is next, young fella, my lad?
19:05 Ooh, well, let's just sit back and have a right laugh
19:08 watching the Fresh Prince of Midair.
19:11 Ah!
19:13 MUSIC PLAYS
19:15 SQUEAKS
19:17 SQUEAKS
19:19 What on earth is going on in here, then?
19:28 Ooh!
19:31 Oh, that's clever, isn't it?
19:33 Ooh, yeah.
19:36 Wow!
19:38 It took me a while to get it just right. Yeah.
19:42 Magic.
19:44 Hi, Nick.
19:48 Yeah, sure.
19:52 Yeah.
20:10 LAUGHTER
20:12 LAUGHTER
20:14 LAUGHTER
20:31 So, what I'd love is to get the hairbands that they wear,
20:34 the really bad knives to your head.
20:36 We've got a hairdryer.
20:43 We have got a hairdryer.
20:45 Ooh!
20:48 Yes, OK.
20:58 Yeah, see what strikes you.
21:00 A photo of yourself in the air.
21:04 Right, I'm going to have a wander around. Yeah.
21:06 Yeah.
21:09 That hasn't been very helpful.
21:11 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
21:13 Have you got a history of jumping, Sophie?
21:18 No, I'm not a great jumper. I'm more of a slut dropper.
21:21 LAUGHTER
21:22 I'm very floor-based with my moves.
21:24 OK. Joanne? Yeah.
21:26 I do all my own stunts. Yeah. Oh, wow.
21:28 Always have, always will.
21:30 I enjoy the adrenaline.
21:33 Highest you've ever jumped?
21:35 You know, I'm not great on measurements now.
21:37 I'd say, like, a metre.
21:39 Shall we all have a little jump?
21:41 Yeah, why not? Shall we all have a little jump?
21:43 Nick, you may as well sit down. No, I'm quite good.
21:46 Three, two, one, jump.
21:50 APPLAUSE
21:55 I apologise.
21:57 We'll see them in the air.
21:59 Well, we're going to see the montage first of all,
22:01 and then we'll see the photos. So, enjoy this, Greg.
22:04 Right, well, we need to light a fire.
22:06 We can light a fire. Good. Let's light a fire.
22:08 Right. Now, Alex, I might need a bit of help.
22:13 OK. Want me to come with you? Yeah, please. Yes.
22:15 Now, I've been experimenting with how to get some G-force
22:20 into my face. Of course you have.
22:22 This would be quite a nice... Huh?
22:26 ..to feel G-force in my face. Horrible.
22:29 Ah, yeah.
22:31 Wow. It's my big day.
22:33 How's the day gone?
22:35 It started out OK. Things took a turn. Yeah.
22:38 One, two, three, go!
22:42 Hang on, hang on.
22:51 LAUGHTER
22:53 Right.
22:59 I got my parachute.
23:01 Your what? My parachute.
23:03 Ready?
23:07 Good luck. Thank you.
23:09 Oh, no, I'm going to...
23:15 You're going to need to take me from higher up, Alex.
23:18 Oh!
23:20 No!
23:22 I'm going to give myself G-force.
23:27 No!
23:33 Ready? Go. On your marks... Yeah.
23:37 ..go!
23:45 Yeah, not bad.
23:47 Can you justify to me that you were in mid-air, Nick?
23:54 You know when you put just a few things in a washing machine
23:57 and it's going around quite slow, there is a moment where they
24:00 sort of suspend as it's kind of... Yes, of course, they are technically
24:03 in mid-air, so that's what you were hoping for.
24:05 The way I interpreted it was I was watching a father of three
24:08 rammed into some tyres, being pushed into some baked bean cans.
24:12 That's... That's... That's... That was very tight.
24:15 OK, here is Nick, dramatically in mid-air.
24:19 I mean, you arguably couldn't be less mid-air.
24:29 Who's can we see next? Jilted Joanne.
24:33 I think you might be back in the game.
24:37 Taskmaster has proven to me that I have the creativity of a wheelie bin.
24:42 So, this is a jilted bride on her wedding day.
24:46 She's just found out her husband's riding the nanny.
24:49 Did she say why she's wearing a knife-back?
24:51 She's just had laser. She's just had laser eye.
24:54 On the way to the wedding.
24:56 God, she's had a bad day, hasn't she?
24:58 It's a hell of an image.
25:00 If you want to see the rest of their mid-air pictures,
25:03 you're going to have to come back promptly.
25:05 And if you're off for a poo, do factor in the wipe.
25:07 You never factor in wipe time.
25:09 Well, I'm off you go.
25:11 Hello and welcome back to another life-affirming episode of Taskmaster.
25:25 We're part way through seeing some dramatic mid-air pictures, aren't we, Alex?
25:28 Oh, we sure are. And Nick rolled around in some tyres.
25:31 The next picture is the one taken by Sophie in mid-air.
25:35 I mean, I cannot wait.
25:38 APPLAUSE
25:41 Was it another shed panic? Did you run into...?
25:46 No, no, I planned this.
25:47 I've been wanting to get him in that pigeon head from the moment I saw him.
25:51 People do, people do.
25:53 And how nice, for once,
25:57 that it's the pigeons themselves that are covered in shit.
26:00 All right, who's next?
26:03 Do you want to see Robin's in flight?
26:05 Please.
26:06 Lovely.
26:07 That's good.
26:09 He's been shot out of the cannon.
26:11 He's going towards a little bucket of fire.
26:13 No eye patch, though.
26:14 Did you get in a cannon?
26:18 Yeah.
26:19 You really want this, don't you?
26:22 Look at the air. Look at the air I've got. I'm pleased with that.
26:27 You've got nice air, you've got a bucket of fire,
26:29 you've got a pretend cannon and you've got that prick.
26:31 There's a lot there.
26:32 Who's next?
26:34 The final one.
26:35 Have a look at Steve Pemberton in mid-air.
26:37 It's a failed parachute.
26:48 It's a failed parachute.
26:49 I like the cut rope.
26:50 That's drama.
26:51 This captures the moment of realisation that he's going to splat.
26:56 Can you see the G-force?
26:59 I hope that they would have painted out the elastic band.
27:03 You would hope they would have made it look like you were in mid-air as well.
27:06 I'll put all five up for you, Greg,
27:10 and then you can work out which is the most dramatic mid-air.
27:12 Christ.
27:13 OK, well, let's deal with Nick first of all.
27:15 Right.
27:16 It looks like a completely different task.
27:20 I'm going to give you one point for that.
27:23 Thank you.
27:24 You're welcome.
27:25 And then there's got to be a jump up.
27:27 I'm going to give John, Joanne and Steve four points,
27:30 but I'm going to give that insane pigeon madness five.
27:35 I don't know why, I just think it's the most dramatic,
27:37 possibly because I'm worried about her state of mind.
27:40 That's the way I'm scoring for a parachute.
27:42 Let's try and squeeze another one in, shall we?
27:47 Ooh, a vicar, isn't it?
27:49 One more, then.
27:52 And it's a tie.
27:54 MUSIC
27:57 Oh, Jesus.
28:08 Hi, Joanne.
28:09 Hi, Alex.
28:10 Have a little lie down.
28:11 Ooh!
28:15 Hello.
28:16 Hello.
28:17 Oh, hello. Make yourself comfortable.
28:19 I shall.
28:20 Oh, lovely.
28:22 It's nice to have a lie down, isn't it?
28:24 OK.
28:25 I'm quite...
28:27 ..tired.
28:30 There goes the task. Shall I get it now?
28:33 Can you reach? Yeah.
28:36 Ah, and I've got a tie as a bonus.
28:39 Oh, this is nice.
28:41 Tie yourself to the bed.
28:43 Most tied-up person wins.
28:45 You must be horizontal whilst in the lab.
28:49 If you pull down the terrible tie, you are disqualified.
28:53 How do I know which is the terrible tie?
28:55 Oh, you'll know.
28:56 Your time starts now.
28:58 Is...is...
29:00 Is going up like that horizontal?
29:02 Going up like what? Like this?
29:04 Oh, no, that's not horizontal.
29:06 Is that horizontal? No!
29:08 So this is horizontal? That's horizontal.
29:10 So I need something to help me access.
29:12 I'm just out of reach, Alex!
29:14 How the fuck do I take them down?
29:18 I sometimes wonder whether you knew
29:26 what the show was that you were signing up to.
29:29 They said, "The less you watched it, the better."
29:32 That's what they said.
29:34 You do fairly regularly seem incredulous
29:37 about being asked to do things.
29:39 Let's just have a look at it.
29:41 OK, well, we're going to start with J&J.
29:43 No, not the American Multinational Pharmaceutical
29:46 and Medical Technologies Corporation.
29:48 It's Joanne and Jon.
29:49 Can I levitate? I'd have to levitate myself up.
29:52 If you could levitate horizontally, that would be perfect.
29:55 This is a bad idea.
29:57 That's not a good idea.
29:59 Don't hit yourself in the face with a buckle.
30:02 What do you need? I need the ties.
30:04 I obviously can fit them. Oh, no, thank you.
30:07 Ah, for God's sake!
30:10 Oh, thank God.
30:15 Here we go.
30:17 Does it look terrible to me?
30:19 This is real '80s dad vibes, isn't it?
30:21 Is that tied to the bed? Yeah.
30:23 Oh, no.
30:26 Some of the ties seem to have prayers on them, Alex.
30:29 Is it a prayer? Why do you think it's a prayer, Jon?
30:32 What else are you going to write on a tie?
30:35 God, it's mush.
30:37 This is something for, like, a really low-end brothel, isn't it?
30:48 I hate the low-end ones.
30:50 At what point are you going to start tying yourself together?
30:53 Maybe I'll make a start.
30:55 I feel like a survival course,
30:57 but I'd actually rather drink a jar of piss than do this.
31:00 Right.
31:02 Ah, this is good.
31:13 I don't know why I stayed the one way round for so long!
31:20 You have still got one minute.
31:24 Is that the terrible tie?
31:26 You've got 20 seconds.
31:34 This better not be some snuff movie now.
31:36 WHISTLE BLOWS
31:38 Two on the head and one on the wrist, is it?
31:41 OK, I'm just going to just check on the ties.
31:44 You're so mean! Yes, it's tied!
31:51 The rest are good, Joanne.
31:53 You seem pretty tied up.
31:55 He's actually quite tied up!
31:58 I'll be in my dressing room for a minute.
32:04 APPLAUSE
32:06 I'm so sorry that I can't give extra points for your exit.
32:12 It was really impressive.
32:14 They didn't stop me, now I'm glad they don't tie me!
32:17 At one point, you announced that the experience was like a low-end brothel.
32:21 At the time, you were a woman tied to a camp bed with one tie.
32:25 A lazy brothel of middle-aged men, yeah.
32:29 But she did well, she got a lot of ties on.
32:32 Yeah, she tied herself up with 15 ties.
32:34 Now, Joanne was two on the hands, one on the wrist,
32:36 and then ten ties all tied together to make one long tie rope,
32:39 which went round his middle and his chest.
32:41 Good. Who's next?
32:43 OK, now it's for a tie between Bolton and Leeds.
32:46 It's Sophie and Nick.
32:48 OK, how long are you going to strategise for?
32:51 Last thing we'll have, you must be horizontal.
33:01 Sophie, does that mean that my back has to be parallel to the floor?
33:04 Exactly that. I could be on all fours, couldn't I?
33:06 That's loud, isn't it?
33:08 That's horizontal.
33:10 There's something I've missed, isn't there?
33:12 Because this is what you kind of...
33:14 You know, usually, how it works, isn't it?
33:17 There's something I've missed in the room.
33:19 He didn't say I need to use a tie to tie myself to the bed.
33:23 That was the trick.
33:25 Whilst in this room, I've got it, but I know what I'm doing.
33:28 Make sure you're horizontal. I am.
33:30 Quite a fall there, so be careful.
33:32 Horizontal.
33:34 And then as soon as I've left, I can actually be any...
33:37 How long have we got, Greg?
33:41 I don't know.
33:43 No-one's ever called me Greg before.
33:45 Ever in the whole show?
33:47 Ever in the whole show. I've been waiting. Thank you.
33:49 Right.
33:51 Hello.
33:53 Right.
33:56 I've got a lot of rope and no way of doing it.
34:06 I feel like there's something I've not got right here.
34:10 Tie yourself to the bed.
34:12 You've got to be horizontal whilst in the lab.
34:14 I can't get out now.
34:16 You've got three and a half minutes.
34:18 I don't know what... This is gaining me.
34:28 Um...
34:32 I don't think I've done this one right.
34:35 One minute left.
34:41 You're...
34:43 Thread it through. Thread it through.
34:45 Are you threading it through?
34:47 Yeah, with the bed on over me, so there's no way I'm not roped in here.
34:50 Looks quite well, actually.
34:53 One minute left. Right, oh, God, quick.
34:55 Yeah.
34:57 No. Um...
35:02 Oh, so close.
35:06 So you're still tied to the bed?
35:10 Very much. I mean, it's a very efficient tie.
35:12 It's very efficient, really.
35:14 There we go.
35:16 Bye then, Nick.
35:19 See you later, Alex.
35:21 I'll get the door, don't worry.
35:23 No, I am stuck now, I think.
35:26 My favourite moment of both of those is just hearing Nick's little voice say,
35:36 "I don't think I've done this one right."
35:38 I can't actually see my face at that point, but I was crying.
35:41 It taught me through the strategy. It was quite good, I thought.
35:45 I don't think I had one, really.
35:47 You went and got a rope? I did.
35:49 Just crawled about and got a rope and tied myself up.
35:51 Well, don't talk yourself down. You saw what Nick did there, didn't you?
35:54 Yeah, yeah. Nick, what was going through your mind
35:56 when you were crawling around on the floor of the camp bed,
35:59 strapped to your back?
36:01 I felt like a woodlouse that had inverted itself and just couldn't get back.
36:04 Once I flipped, I just couldn't... There was nothing I could do.
36:08 But what I'm interested in is, why did you flip?
36:11 Yeah, that's a good question.
36:14 That's another part done. Join us for part four,
36:18 when one lucky winner has to look happy on stage
36:21 with a deflated Che Guevara balloon.
36:23 This is primetime, baby! They can't take the BAFTA offers now!
36:28 APPLAUSE
36:30 Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.
36:40 It's the last part of the show and there is a tricky tie task
36:43 which needs completing.
36:44 That's right, Greg.
36:45 They're trying to tie themselves up as best as possible
36:48 while lying horizontally, but if during the process
36:51 they pull down the terrible tie, it's all over.
36:54 We're joined by Steve Penberton, a man perhaps best known for his role
36:57 as Mattis in Free Jimmy, the 2006 animation
37:00 which also starred Woody Harrelson.
37:02 It's Steve Penberton.
37:04 Oh, now you're talking.
37:06 I want to hire the bed, so if I come off here...
37:10 I thought there'd be a way to screw...
37:12 ..the box.
37:15 Is this the horrible one?
37:20 Oh, it's something in Welsh.
37:23 Gah!
37:24 This is like sort of hooker dirt, but...
37:29 ..with ties and lying down.
37:33 I want different body parts involved.
37:35 Oh, thank you, God.
37:37 The tie gods are shining down on me.
37:39 Oh! Thank you.
37:42 Yeah, oh!
37:45 Ah!
37:49 I can't keep up with the number of ties the tie gods are giving me.
37:52 It's a whole tie raid!
37:54 Oh!
37:56 OK.
37:58 Five seconds left.
38:01 But if you could leave the lap now, that'd be great.
38:05 APPLAUSE
38:08 He was so violent with the mechanism, he whacked it
38:14 and he put it off at an angle so they had nowhere to go
38:16 but fall on top of Steve.
38:18 And he tied 28 ties.
38:20 Attached himself to the bed.
38:21 Each of his fingers was tied up.
38:23 Individual fingers, mouth, head, pelvis.
38:26 Not through the pelvic bone, but... No.
38:28 I mean, do you want to win or not?
38:31 Let's talk about this Welsh tie business.
38:34 They weren't prayers. No, they were my family mottos.
38:37 There's the green one, that's the one that Joanne got.
38:39 Obviously, that says, "Know what you want
38:41 "and have the confidence to go after it."
38:43 That's what I wore on my stag night. No!
38:45 Joanne and John both got the yellow one down.
38:48 "Don't wash the clock, do what it does, keep going."
38:51 I wore that on my wedding day.
38:53 Purple, Steve got the purple one, which says,
38:55 "Whoever is happy will make others happy too."
38:57 And then the red tie, of course, my dad's tie,
39:00 which says, "This is a terrible tie."
39:03 And that was brought down by Mr Steve Pepperton.
39:05 AUDIENCE GROANS
39:07 Of all the ties to rain down on me...
39:10 Poor Steve is out.
39:12 I liked Sophie's attempt and I thought the rope was impressive,
39:14 so I'm going to reward it.
39:16 Most tied-up person wins.
39:18 She was the most tied-up person. Yes!
39:20 And then we'll do it according to the amount of ties.
39:22 That we use, OK. Well, it's two points to Nick, three to John,
39:24 four to Joanne, five points to Sophie Willan!
39:26 APPLAUSE
39:28 Can we have a look at the scores?
39:33 Yes, Sophie's got a chance of winning. She's on 15,
39:35 John is on the top with 16 points.
39:37 Ah, still ahead.
39:39 APPLAUSE
39:43 All right, well, here we are.
39:45 Make your way to the stage, final task of the show!
39:47 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:49 What's cooking, good-looking? Who's reading the task out?
39:57 I think Steve Pemberton's going to read this one out.
39:59 Is he? Oh, yes.
40:01 "Park a vehicle in the parking bay.
40:04 "Your vehicle must be rolled whilst standing on the spot
40:08 "and the worst parker each round is eliminated."
40:11 It's a parking challenge.
40:13 We have four parking bays there.
40:15 So in round one, you've got to try to park one of these vehicles
40:18 in parking space number one.
40:20 So you can now write down what order you want to park your vehicles.
40:23 As always happens in this show, Greg,
40:25 the person in the lead goes first.
40:27 In this occasion, it's John. So, John, you have selected the car.
40:30 Yep. You must stay on the gold circle.
40:32 You're aiming for parking bay number one.
40:35 John, park that car.
40:37 BIP BIP BIP
40:39 BIP BIP BIP
40:41 BIP BIP BIP
40:43 It's not a bad start.
40:45 It's popped into two.
40:47 Right, it's Sophie next.
40:49 Bring your little version of yourself with you.
40:52 That's lovely.
40:54 No! No, it's gone too far!
40:58 BIP BIP BIP
41:00 BIP BIP BIP
41:02 It's not a disaster.
41:04 It is a bit, let's be honest.
41:06 Nick, you're up next.
41:08 And you've selected the buggy.
41:10 Yes. You can just slot your little legs.
41:13 My own? Well, either side.
41:15 Very clever.
41:21 He's definitely made it through to round two, I can tell you that.
41:26 OK, Joanne McNally, you're up next.
41:30 You have chosen the horse. Yeah.
41:34 Oh!
41:36 It's safe! She is safely through. Well done.
41:39 Right. Finally, it's Steve Pempton.
41:43 What have you selected, first of all?
41:45 I've selected the trolley.
41:47 OK.
41:49 Yeah.
41:53 Is it enough? Let's have a look.
41:55 Arguably, Sophie's only chance at winning an episode
41:58 has just been dashed against the rocks.
42:01 God! Unfortunately, Sophie, you've been eliminated in round one.
42:04 Have I? And I must take small Sophie away from you.
42:07 No. Yes.
42:09 Sit on the bench of shame.
42:12 Sit on the what? The bench of shame.
42:16 Right, round two. But, John, you're up first.
42:18 You've picked the trolley, so if you want to mount the trolley...
42:21 This is a...
42:29 Oh!
42:31 Gotcha.
42:33 It's hard to get the balance right with that trolley.
42:37 It's parking bay two.
42:41 Nick, also with a trolley.
42:43 Oh, God! Confident.
42:47 Oh, my God!
42:49 APPLAUSE
42:51 That was electric.
42:57 Joanne, you've selected the car.
42:59 Do you remember what happened the first time the car was used?
43:02 It went too far.
43:04 So what are you going to do?
43:06 I'm going to win, Alex.
43:08 SCREAMING
43:11 Oh!
43:16 I've got to say, despite being in the drop zone,
43:19 I didn't want to see that.
43:21 Steve, you're up. What have you chosen?
43:24 I've chosen the buggy.
43:26 If you step on that board, I'm going to come up there like a windmill.
43:29 Oh, that's lovely. This is looking good. That is lovely.
43:37 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:39 That is how you park a child.
43:44 Joanne's out.
43:47 OK, this is the penultimate round.
43:52 John Robbins, again up first, picked the horse.
43:55 So, John, you're aiming for parking bay number three, of course.
43:58 OK.
44:00 Oh, my God.
44:03 Oh!
44:05 It's on top. It's very level.
44:07 APPLAUSE
44:09 That looks helpful.
44:11 OK, it's Nick Mohammed. What are you going with?
44:13 I go with horse as well. Oh, really? Well, you've seen how to do it.
44:16 Good luck, Nick.
44:18 GASPING
44:22 Oh!
44:24 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:26 I think I'm out.
44:34 Well, still, Steve, he just needs to not do that.
44:37 The slightest shove will do it, Steve. What have you picked?
44:40 I've got horse as well. John, any advice on the horse?
44:43 Just whack it right off the end.
44:45 Oh, that's really good.
44:50 Oh, that's good stuff. He's made it to the new round, Steve.
44:52 Well done. Well done.
44:54 Greg and Fred, we have to say goodbye to Nick Mohammed.
44:58 OK, so it's Pemberton versus Robbins,
45:05 and it's been a theme of the series so far.
45:07 In the final round, you both push at the same time.
45:11 Oh! A twist?
45:13 Yes. Oh, my God.
45:15 This to the blue factory now?
45:17 Get in your vehicles, guys.
45:20 Clear the knappet.
45:22 Oh, that's lovely to see.
45:24 You must roll on the whistle.
45:29 I am genuinely excited.
45:31 Three, two, one...
45:33 WHISTLE BLOWS
45:36 Oh, my God.
45:38 GROANING
45:40 Pemberton!
45:42 Pemberton takes it!
45:44 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:47 WHISTLE BLOWS
45:49 That is classic Pemberton!
45:56 Well done. We'll add that to your final scores.
45:59 Come down and join me. Well done.
46:01 I tell you what, Pemberton can cark.
46:09 It's not me, it's the little guy.
46:11 I have totted up the scores now, Greg.
46:14 And those five points for Pemberton have very little bearing
46:17 on the final scores because the third episode in a row
46:20 has been won by Mr John Robbins!
46:22 Oh!
46:24 John Robbins wins!
46:29 Please pick up your extraordinary pictures!
46:32 So, what have we learnt from today's show?
46:38 Well, we all know that life has its ups and its downs.
46:41 Everybody has their struggles,
46:43 but whatever you've been through, whatever you're going through,
46:46 do remember, things could always be worse.
46:49 That's us halfway through the series,
46:55 and this is your champion of the night, Mr John Robbins!
47:08 C'est parti pour une voyage romantique à Norfolk,
47:11 via des chambres de rage.
47:13 Joe Wilkinson et Catherine Ryan
47:15 partagent des vacances sur Channel 4.
47:17 Qui sait ce que Mamy va faire,
47:19 car nous sommes en direct de Birmingham avec Late Night Lycett,
47:22 accueillis par Lorraine Kelly et Tom Reed Wilson.
47:25 Retrouvez-nous demain à 10h.
47:28 (Applaudissements)