A+ Parenting! Call In

  • 8 months ago
Recorded on 18 October 2020.

Answering an excellent and important listener question live!

"How do you handle the transition between giving an infant everything it wants and needs and setting boundaries with a one to two year old?"

Transcript: https://freedomain.com/a-parenting-call-in-transcript/

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Transcript
00:00:00 Good morning, everybody's to fan Molineux. Hope you're doing well 11 o'clock in the morning
00:00:05 At least where I am on the 18th of October 2020. Yes the
00:00:10 year of doom or
00:00:13 Many people the year doom for free speech the year of doom for a lot of independence
00:00:18 The year of doom for a lot of peace around the world and particularly in leftist controlled cities
00:00:24 So it is a desperate shame what is happening out there, but the consequence of course
00:00:29 Of failing to adhere to first principles are failing to respect and elevate
00:00:33 Philosophy and philosophers is something that that's the old objective is saying says you can ignore reality
00:00:41 But you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality
00:00:43 It's a sad. It's a sad time. It's a sad time, but nonetheless
00:00:48 we individuals can still do great things with our lives, so let us turn to that and
00:00:53 Talk to the fine listenership of freedom. I'd
00:00:58 All right. So first up we have a caller who a listener rather who is calling in
00:01:03 We were talking a bit about early childhood
00:01:06 babies and stuff and he has a
00:01:09 comment
00:01:12 He asked how do you handle the transition between given an infant everything it wants and needs and setting boundaries with a one-to-two year old
00:01:20 No, that's it. I thought that'd be a little bit more to the question. I'm sorry. It was a quite very short
00:01:27 Right, right. That's a great question. It's a great question
00:01:30 It's often struck me
00:01:33 That I mean those of you who've been around parents or who are parents, I guess we've all been around parents because we're children
00:01:40 but
00:01:42 there's this
00:01:43 Phase is phase and now whenever I hear phase, you know, this the two huge ones, right?
00:01:51 so there's the terrible twos and
00:01:53 Puberty right and the teenage years right the tweens and the teenage years those are the two sort of big phases and
00:01:58 Whenever I hear phase
00:02:01 Oh
00:02:01 It's going through a phase or she's in this phase or she's got this she's in this eye rolling phase or he's in the fist
00:02:06 Clench foot stomping no phase or whatever
00:02:09 Then I always want my sort of spider sense goes up. I get all kinds of alarms deep in my
00:02:17 soul because
00:02:19 To put something in the realm of phase is to put it outside of your the parents
00:02:25 Actions outside of your behavior now, of course
00:02:29 There are some phases some a puberty as a phase of hormonal transition from child to I guess budding adult
00:02:35 well, that is a very real phase and
00:02:38 Assuming that you give your child adequate nutrition and so on
00:02:41 It's something that occurs beyond your willpower beyond the willpower of the child and so on all of that. Yeah, I'm down with that
00:02:48 that makes perfect sense to me and
00:02:50 yet
00:02:52 Those usually aren't the phases that are talked about the phases that are talked about
00:02:55 from infancy to
00:02:58 toddlerhood
00:02:59 So what happens in the mind of the parent which is really important to understand?
00:03:03 Because if you understand that then you'll you'll know what to do, right? So what happens in the mind of the parent is
00:03:08 Both individual and social so in the mind of the parent, of course if the parent says my selfish baby
00:03:18 Was up three times last night. I got so angry. I yelled at my baby
00:03:23 this would be the actions of a crazy slash immoral person and
00:03:28 Very few people in society
00:03:31 At least thank heavens would say to such a person. Oh, yeah. Yeah, my baby's going through that same selfish phase
00:03:37 It's driving me crazy. I get so angry
00:03:40 Because we don't describe
00:03:42 moral agency moral responsibility to babies in the same way
00:03:48 there are
00:03:49 countless videos on the internet of two things right so I mean lots of other things too, but these two things number one is
00:03:56 following a trail of destruction
00:03:59 through a house
00:04:01 things torn shoes chewed and so on and then
00:04:06 The camera pans to a very guilty looking dog that hides its head under its paws
00:04:11 It goes and hides under the bed or something like that, right and this is considered funny
00:04:16 although of course, there's some impatience sometimes in the voice of the people who are filming but it's considered kind of funny and
00:04:22 the other is
00:04:25 Children who are like very young children
00:04:27 So it may be two or three who were inexplicably
00:04:29 Left unattended for quite a long period of time and then the camera follows another trail of destruction
00:04:35 Which is sort of mess and so on and then it finally will pan to the kids sitting in a closet covered in peanut butter
00:04:40 or covered in
00:04:42 flour or whatever mess or covered in you know, their face is covered in chocolate and and that's also considered to be like
00:04:49 Oh, what did you do?
00:04:50 It's kind of amusing and it's kind of funny and it's kind of amusing and kind of funny
00:04:53 Although it's not that amusing to leave children unattended for that length of time at that age. But anyway, so that is
00:05:00 Considered funny. Why is it considered funny because
00:05:04 The children and it's usually like a slightly older kid and they're like a really young kid like 18 months or whatever or maybe 12 months
00:05:11 and
00:05:13 Knowing wherever they whenever they can take it walk and they can be led astray by the elder sibling so to speak
00:05:18 So it's considered cute because and it makes sense that it's that way kids don't really have
00:05:24 They're not like the dogs right they're not consciously destroying property out of anger, you know
00:05:30 They're just doing what dogs do they're just doing what kids do and that's you know, that's the way things are and it's it's amusing
00:05:37 but it's only amusing because
00:05:40 There's no moral responsibility that is assigned
00:05:43 so
00:05:45 anger
00:05:46 arises out of
00:05:48 the assignment of moral responsibility
00:05:50 Anger arises out of the assignment of moral responsibility
00:05:56 Now just to sort of forestall because really important. I don't want to make sure this point is very very clear. There are
00:06:03 You know, like let's say that a dog
00:06:06 Jumps out and and barks at you, right?
00:06:09 There was a video I saw the other day with my daughter
00:06:12 Where a guy was filming his own garage and he's like wait, is that what is that?
00:06:17 Wait, is that wait?
00:06:19 That's not my dog and that the dog so darts out from his own garage and starts
00:06:23 barking and yelling at him and and that's when the video ends and of course, it's kind of startling and so
00:06:28 You might get sort of fight-or-flight out of that but fight-or-flight is not the same as anger
00:06:36 Fight-or-flight peaks based upon external stimuli
00:06:39 It's designed to have you stay safe in the face of that external stimuli and then it subsides
00:06:45 either because you succeed and keep yourself safe or you fail and
00:06:49 Die or something like that, right? So that's the fight-or-flight system
00:06:54 but anger is different anger is
00:06:58 violation of
00:07:01 anticipated moral norms or
00:07:04 You could say moral norms. I'm sort of including in that
00:07:07 things like politeness
00:07:10 civility consideration
00:07:12 Thoughtfulness like whatever it's going to be right violation of expected norms
00:07:15 the wife to take a stereotypical example, right the wife does not
00:07:20 Get angry at the dog for failing to remember her anniversary. She will or may get angry at the husband for failing to remember
00:07:28 Their anniversary, right? So these are two very different because she's not giving any moral responsibility to the dog for this and she's not giving
00:07:35 But she is giving moral responsibility
00:07:37 to to the husband
00:07:40 so
00:07:42 With toddlers the question then becomes okay
00:07:44 what
00:07:47 changes fundamentally between infancy and toddlerhood where a limitation on
00:07:52 Preferences a limitation on
00:07:58 Sorry an expansion of moral responsibility already the creation of moral responsibility that occurs for a two-year-old that is not there for a baby
00:08:05 So what happens and why people get so upset with?
00:08:09 Toddlers and that by assuming to onwards a terrible twos onwards
00:08:13 people get so upset with toddlers because
00:08:16 they
00:08:19 Have assigned expected standards, which they did not assign to the babies
00:08:24 Right, so we are this all I'm sure we don't have to go over this in great detail. It makes makes make sense
00:08:29 I'm sure
00:08:30 So once we sort of understand that
00:08:32 Then we can figure out
00:08:35 How do we transition right or should we transition sort of an interesting question, right?
00:08:39 so
00:08:42 There's two reasons why
00:08:44 This moral responsibility starts to settle on the two-year-olds. It could be a little younger
00:08:50 I'm said doesn't I'm not saying specifically to but around to
00:08:53 I'll just say toddlers people understand right?
00:08:55 So there's two reasons. The first is that a baby can't get anything for himself or herself, but a toddler can
00:09:02 Right, they can go into the cupboard and get candy. They can open the fridge and get you know, something they can reach things
00:09:10 They can grab things they can hide they can you know, all of that kind of stuff, right and
00:09:14 they can
00:09:16 Sneak right they can sneak things that they're not allowed to have with babies can't do any of that stuff
00:09:20 So we don't assign moral responsibility to babies because babies have
00:09:25 zero independence from their parents and zero capacity to act against
00:09:29 well, I shouldn't say of course they act against the parents wishes because
00:09:32 They wake up at night and the parents are tired or whatever, but they have zero capacity
00:09:37 to will an
00:09:40 Outcome right so babies can't get their own food. All they could do is apply negative stimuli like crying
00:09:45 Until the food is provided right that's that's all they can do
00:09:48 They can't do anything for themselves whereas toddlers of course can and it really is amazing just how quickly this all
00:09:53 Begins to erupt in the mind of the toddler
00:09:57 so the fact that they have independence is
00:10:01 a central reason why the moral responsibility starts to be
00:10:06 inflicted and there because they have independence there's also been an
00:10:10 Expectation of
00:10:14 conformity to
00:10:16 parental rules parental
00:10:18 expectations enough
00:10:21 so the parents now say to themselves, ah
00:10:24 Now that they're independent they have to start self-limiting because I can't watch them all the time
00:10:29 So I have to start inflicting rules, but they must be expected to obey
00:10:32 so that
00:10:35 They don't end up doing the wrong thing or grabbing the wrong thing, right?
00:10:39 now that is
00:10:42 Something that I've sort of mentioned this before on the show when I was a toddler. My father was playing tennis and
00:10:47 Obviously was having an enjoyable or challenging game
00:10:50 Because of course what happened was I ended up wandering off crawling off
00:10:56 Going into a garden shed and drinking
00:11:00 weed killer
00:11:02 Which fortunately did not become a meat killer. So yeah, that's uh, that's that he was a pretty
00:11:11 Essential thing that happened with me and that was an example and of course my father by all reports
00:11:16 And this is one reasons what one of the reasons why?
00:11:18 My mother was not very pleased with him and I don't I don't know the exact I
00:11:25 Probably should but I really don't know the exact etymology of my parents divorce. I know that I was very very young
00:11:30 But I know that this was one of the things that was either why my mother didn't want
00:11:40 My father to take care of me or maybe it had more to do with their divorce or something like that
00:11:46 so I
00:11:49 Was able to do that because I was not a baby if I was a baby I'd be in a pram or something
00:11:53 I wouldn't be able to go anywhere, right?
00:11:55 anywhere at all
00:11:58 so
00:12:00 there is now an expectation when the
00:12:05 Child becomes a toddler there is now an expectation of conformity to standards
00:12:10 The child has moral responsibility and the parent now
00:12:15 expects the child to behave in the correct or moral or good fashion and then of course
00:12:21 Reserves the right of punishment should the child fail to
00:12:25 obey the parent
00:12:27 now
00:12:28 Here's the other thing
00:12:30 If you look at the teenage years
00:12:33 You really can see exactly the same phenomenon occurring
00:12:37 So in the toddler years that the baby is
00:12:41 Unable to fend for itself within the house
00:12:45 But the toddler is able to make its own choices within the house, right?
00:12:51 now
00:12:54 if
00:12:55 You look at the teenage years what's happening? What's happening is the teenager now has the capacity to enact his or her will
00:13:04 Outside the house, right?
00:13:06 outside the house
00:13:08 Now that's pretty important
00:13:11 That is pretty important
00:13:15 so
00:13:17 Where the parent now has to monitor child inside the house when in the teenage years you end up with the situation where?
00:13:25 the parent
00:13:27 Now has to monitor the child outside the house, which becomes sort of increasingly
00:13:33 Difficult if not, you know downright impossible, right?
00:13:35 So that's really really important to sort of process for people and to understand for people
00:13:42 now
00:13:45 To start to get the child to limit his or her own behavior. I
00:13:49 Mean, it's important right? I'm not I'm not an unparenting dude, right? I am NOT a
00:13:56 An unparenting dude, I don't believe that children have the capacity to
00:14:02 Limit themselves in ways that don't harm everyone else and all of that. So
00:14:07 That is another thing that's kind of important to me
00:14:11 so
00:14:15 When you expect children to start to monitor their own behavior to limit their own behavior
00:14:23 you have to understand that it's due to growing independence and
00:14:26 It's due to a lack of reliance upon you immediate needs babies can't get their own candy toddlers can
00:14:32 toddlers or young children and latency and so on pre puberty usually can't go out and roam the
00:14:38 Neighborhood and get into trouble and hang out with the wrong crowd and all that kind of stuff, but teenagers can
00:14:42 So that's important now
00:14:45 Where does punishment come from
00:14:51 Where does punishment come from
00:14:53 Punishment comes fundamentally for children and for society
00:14:58 punishment comes
00:15:00 from a lack of modeling from a lack of
00:15:03 modeled behavior
00:15:06 punishment
00:15:08 comes from hypocrisy
00:15:10 Fundamentally punishment comes from hypocrisy. I'll give you a simple example
00:15:14 So parents
00:15:17 don't
00:15:19 At least I've never heard of it. I can't imagine it. I mean it could happen in crazy crazy situations, but parents don't have to
00:15:25 punish their children
00:15:28 For failing to learn their native language correctly. Now, I'm not talking when they're older in terms of grammar and stuff like that
00:15:34 I just mean that parents
00:15:36 don't have to
00:15:38 When it comes to just absorbing your native language right absorbing the language is spoken in the home parents don't have to
00:15:46 Deal with that. They don't have to train and punish and so on for reading. Yeah, it's a little different
00:15:51 maybe I don't again training and punishment, it's not so key, but
00:15:54 Just the child and it's it's a freaky I mean if you've not been around it as a parent man, you gotta see this
00:16:03 It's incredible. It's like watching an entire city arise from the ocean and a giant hissing tsunami
00:16:08 Because kids you don't even know where they're getting all their words from but suddenly they just go from single words
00:16:13 and then they have a kind of the technical name, but they have
00:16:16 Half silly words for things as they're struggling like with my daughter. She would call spiders meaty bow
00:16:22 she would call electricity electricity and
00:16:25 Grapes were a big guy and there was lots of and I went through this phase for quite a while when I was a kid
00:16:31 so if you have
00:16:37 This process of children just absorbing language like a sponge because the parents are modeling the correct
00:16:43 colloquial verbal use of language
00:16:46 the children
00:16:48 Pick up this language learn this language speak this language with almost no
00:16:54 Praise or punishment or I guess there's a little bit of praise
00:16:58 But and you don't have to sit there and say no. No, no, it's not a guy. It's great
00:17:03 You just have to keep using the word and they'll adjust accordingly
00:17:07 Because the parents are modeling
00:17:10 the native language correctly and consistently
00:17:13 the child absorbs
00:17:16 That language and
00:17:19 Speaks it fluently. There's no
00:17:22 Punishment no reward. No, it's it sort of reminds me of what somebody was saying about
00:17:26 Video games and kids right because that's a great mystery
00:17:30 he has ADHD, but he can play fortnight for 14 hours straight he tries to completely concentrate and
00:17:35 Video game makers they never say to kids right? They never say. Oh, this game is pretty boring. It's it's pretty easy. It's pretty bad
00:17:43 And it's a good game, but it's pretty easy. It's not challenging. They always say this is a tough games challenging game
00:17:49 It's it's easy to learn hard to master. That's kind of the crack that you want for video games, right?
00:17:53 and
00:17:55 kids flock to those games
00:17:57 Which is why they don't play
00:17:59 The very simple games that they played as a kid when they get older like talking Angela or whatever
00:18:03 They don't play those when they get older because it's not a real challenge
00:18:05 So kids love challenges they love mastering difficult things
00:18:10 The problem is school. It's not that it's hard. The problem with school is that it's boring
00:18:14 But of course you can't fix the school. So you just have to drug the children. That's a very sad inevitability of state-run educational
00:18:22 Miasma or not even educational. Ah, you gotta use that good use right language. So
00:18:28 So children learn to speak English say
00:18:33 fluently and easily
00:18:35 without
00:18:37 threats
00:18:38 Punishments rewards or any of that stuff. It's an amazing incredible experience in the same that
00:18:44 In general, they will learn the basics of moving
00:18:47 Rolling over sitting up walking running bike riding and so on and again, it's an amazing thing
00:18:54 I was a couple years ago
00:18:55 I taught my daughter how to ride a
00:18:57 bike and I say I taught my daughter how to ride a bike like I was doing something other than holding on and letting
00:19:02 Go and holding on and letting go and then when she got it, it was like in an absolute giant rush and
00:19:08 She just flew she just
00:19:12 Flew I had a mom moment the other day. We were biking back a fairly lengthy bike ride
00:19:19 we went on about an hour and a half and
00:19:21 Of course, it's tough to bike ride when you're chatting the whole way back and she was you know
00:19:26 Kind of flying down a hill and you've got a helmet on and all of that
00:19:28 but she was flying down a hill and she's a big no-hands person, right and
00:19:32 I'm like, yeah, she's she's been doing it for a long time. She's good at it. But I you know, she sort of flew past me
00:19:37 Whoo-hoo. Look at check it out. Dad. Oh
00:19:39 Check out your dad having minor palpitations, but she did she did fine
00:19:44 And of course, here's the thing too is that my concern is that and it's important to remember
00:19:50 this is a parent so my concern at that moment was if I yell out at her in a sense to like be careful or
00:19:55 You know that she might wobble. I mean this happened once when she was trying to jump over something
00:20:01 And just as she was about to jump, you know, I got a bit nervous and I said be careful and then she fell
00:20:06 I was like interrupting her flow and that's sometimes you can create
00:20:09 Accidents out of fear of accidents and that's sort of a good lesson to learn as parents
00:20:13 So if you model the behavior that you want
00:20:18 Then
00:20:21 You don't need punishments
00:20:23 You might need some course correction. You might need some encouragements, but you don't need
00:20:30 negative stimuli really right and
00:20:32 I
00:20:35 Remember laughing about this some some many years back
00:20:38 we had
00:20:41 we had duct cleaning right a house one of the joys of ownership and
00:20:45 You know, they found a couple of candy wrappers in my daughter's vents, right?
00:20:50 It's pretty pretty inevitable right and she again she doesn't we don't eat can't we don't eat sugar Monday to Friday
00:20:55 We have a little bit on the weekends, but that's about it
00:20:57 and
00:20:59 This was kind of funny, right? And the reason why this was kind of funny is that
00:21:04 She caught me sneaky candy once or twice see
00:21:09 When and this is again, I don't remember how many years ago. This is quite quite a number of years ago and
00:21:13 I have a bit of a sweet tooth and
00:21:16 But of course when you when you eat when you have chocolate in the house and
00:21:22 You want a piece of chocolate if you have little kids around or kids at all?
00:21:26 I suppose if you have a piece of chocolate, the first thing they want, of course is a piece of chocolate, right? And
00:21:31 so I
00:21:33 suck a candy I suck a piece of chocolate and
00:21:36 My I walked into the room and of course I was hiding it I just had it on my tongue I wasn't chewing it
00:21:44 Anyway, she just glanced up. She's working on her drawing. She just glanced up and said oh what's in your mouth dad?
00:21:48 Right. So I mean what I'm gonna do lie to her. No. Oh, I had a piece of chocolate
00:21:54 Oh, I want a piece of chocolate. Yeah, okay. Go ahead, right
00:21:56 But so she saw me sneaking a piece of chocolate, right?
00:21:59 so
00:22:02 how
00:22:03 Quote mad could I get at her for doing what sneaking a piece of chocolate just like I did
00:22:08 She wasn't disobeying me. She was obeying me because kids are very empirical, right?
00:22:13 they base, you know is the old worst thing that a parent can say one of the worst things is do as I
00:22:18 say not as I do and
00:22:23 So what you want to do is model if you want your kids to self-limit that you have to show them you
00:22:29 Self-limiting don't keep it quiet, right?
00:22:32 my daughter
00:22:34 creates
00:22:36 really beautiful wonderful chocolates and
00:22:39 She's really she's good like she barely eats any when she just have a little taste and all that
00:22:45 But she's she'll she's 11 and she will she will bake and cook with chocolate and barely have any and I know that because I'll sometimes
00:22:51 Do it with her and we can also tell the ingredients not that we really checked or anything like that
00:22:54 but you can kind of tell right and
00:22:56 If she says, you know dad, would you like?
00:23:00 to buy one of my chocolates, so, you know, maybe I'll buy it and
00:23:05 Then she says don't you want to eat it? I'm like, oh yeah, I do I'm not going to
00:23:11 because I just had a really good dinner, but no I I would love to eat it, but I'm not going to kiss ah
00:23:16 It's a weekday
00:23:18 Can I skip off sugar and that kind of stuff right sugar is just one of these things you got to give up
00:23:22 post 50 for the most part so I
00:23:26 Used to I used to have like a mr. Big and an orange
00:23:30 In the evening every day when I was younger. Ah
00:23:32 The days are long past
00:23:35 so
00:23:37 You just model the behavior that you want and
00:23:39 You're vocal about it and you explain. Oh man my tongue
00:23:44 You know when you when you're kids a little you can say like my tongue
00:23:48 totally wants
00:23:50 The candy. Oh, it's so good. My mouth is like watering just thinking about this candy. Oh, it's so good
00:23:57 My belly on the other hand does not want the candy
00:24:00 my
00:24:02 My weight does not want the candy like none of that
00:24:06 And so it was a hassle right especially when there were lots of commercials
00:24:11 I remember my mother saying and this always sort of reminded me of I think what happened to her
00:24:16 Personality and her defenses. She would always have this
00:24:18 We'd be watching TV and a commercial would coming on and she would always get impatient kind of the same way to do
00:24:24 Now there's so many commercials you can barely even watch the program anymore
00:24:29 She'd really bitter upset about like this was the big issue in her life
00:24:32 and I I understood even at a fairly young age that she was saying that because she barely had any natural personality all the defenses and
00:24:39 Avoidances were taking over and there wasn't any original program. So to speak it was all just
00:24:43 advertising my advertising generally appeals to vanity and she got a nose job and was all kinds of trying to make herself pretty and stay
00:24:50 thin and all that because
00:24:52 I'm not sure she felt she had much else to offer a man and I'm not sure I would disagree
00:24:55 Other than she would offer him trouble. So you had to get up to change the channel and now we have channel changes that are remote
00:25:01 Why is that?
00:25:03 Because we wanted something for nothing right so to speak right we wanted to change channels
00:25:08 Without getting up now, of course, it's healthy for you to get up and walk over change the channel
00:25:13 but it's a track particularly when you're when you want a channel flip because of
00:25:16 And there was a phase. I don't know if they do it anymore. I think they do but there was a phase when
00:25:19 The volume of the commercials was way higher because they knew people were going to the bathroom
00:25:25 We're going to the kitchen so they'd crank it up so they could still get their message
00:25:27 It's pretty obnoxious. So yeah changing the channel if you're watching some sort of quiet show and then
00:25:31 Welcome to some ad would come in and I'm sorry if you're falling asleep, but
00:25:36 So we want something for nothing
00:25:38 I said in the past if you wanted a show
00:25:40 You'd either have to go to see a show like go and see a play or something like that
00:25:45 Or if you were very rich the play would come to you, right and I told through the story of Hamlet many years ago and
00:25:52 The players the place the thing wherein will catch the conscience of the king
00:25:58 So now we just turn on the TV and there's endless entertainment and so on
00:26:04 Whereas in the past people would entertain each other with stories. They would entertain each other with shows
00:26:08 You know, I remember a friend of mine and I putting on puppet shows for kids
00:26:13 For friends when we were younger and all that and so you just have to do that kind of stuff, right?
00:26:17 so
00:26:19 We want something for nothing and that's perfectly natural. Also, we want to overeat
00:26:24 All right, it's not not that hard to figure out why right we want to overeat because we evolved without fridges without freezers without any
00:26:30 consistent
00:26:33 expectation of nutrition, right so
00:26:35 If you are a hunter, right you go out and you hunt and you catch some animal good
00:26:41 Then you know you feed well, right? I mean
00:26:44 Oh gosh, what was it the island?
00:26:46 Where they put these guys?
00:26:49 One island they put guys one island
00:26:51 They put women try to survive without anything and the guys, you know
00:26:55 We're able to kill an alligator and the women were all plucking tiny snails from the tide pool
00:27:00 One calorie each and the guys were able to kill an alligator and I think they estimated the alligator had like 15,000 calories
00:27:06 With the meat on it, right so but they couldn't keep it right. They couldn't keep the meat
00:27:09 I mean you can in winter I suppose but then you got away for it's Thor and it's kind of challenging if it's like below
00:27:14 zero, whatever but so of course you're gonna eat like crazy
00:27:17 because
00:27:19 You don't know the next time you're gonna have a successful hunt. So our desire to overeat was a survival mechanism and that's why
00:27:27 Our body doesn't always signal us that we're full in time, right? And so all of that makes makes perfect sense
00:27:34 So yeah, we we want something for nothing
00:27:37 We're kind of lazy and our laziness creates great industriousness like we don't like to hunt and so there's this massive
00:27:43 farmer to table
00:27:46 Supply chain, you know, but you can talk about the kids for a while pretty pretty fascinating stuff
00:27:50 So yeah, we're kind of lazy and that laziness produces the most amazing technology, right?
00:27:55 We don't want to hire people to come and entertain us and plus they might suck. It's got a karaoke night, right?
00:28:00 and although that's not paid but
00:28:03 We're lazy. And so because we're lazy we have giant TVs and the Internet
00:28:07 All this kind of stuff. We don't want to walk over a message and we don't want to go to the post office
00:28:13 So we've got email right? So our laziness produces massive advancements our desire to get something for nothing. So to speak really produces
00:28:20 incredible stuff in the world, but
00:28:24 We've evolved way beyond where we started but our bodies haven't caught up. Of course, right?
00:28:29 I mean evolutionary pressures have largely ceased for the last 200 years
00:28:32 for good and for well, it's
00:28:35 It's it's exciting. It's challenging and it is just the way it is, right and
00:28:39 And I appreciate that by the way, I really appreciate that
00:28:43 lack of
00:28:46 Selection pressure because with my upbringing, uh, well, it's hard to say but it is
00:28:51 Quite likely I would have been selected out
00:28:55 so
00:28:56 It's almost like I went to a shed when my dad was playing tennis and thought oh, this is gonna be my childhood
00:29:02 Yeah, I'll take the week killer. I was surprisingly dark. But anyway, I like to let you guys know what I'm thinking of time to time
00:29:07 Happy to be alive now not back then really at all
00:29:11 So yeah, you should model the behavior and you share this kind of human condition stuff, right?
00:29:16 human condition stuff is
00:29:19 It's not really philosophical. It's just the intersection between
00:29:24 Abstract values and bodily functions, right? It's human, right?
00:29:26 I'm not a guy who feels tired. I mean if I don't get enough sleep, I'll feel tired on and off during the day, but
00:29:35 I'm not a guy it happens rarely, but I'm not a guy who's like, oh man
00:29:40 I can't keep my eyes open. I have to go to bed
00:29:42 I like well, I guess it's time to go to bed, but I'm not tired and
00:29:47 That's just the way it is. It's just the way it is and
00:29:52 My daughter's also not that way in class
00:29:54 My daughter is not somebody who feels time to in fact once or twice that when we've been up for New Year's or whatever out
00:30:00 At a party or back when you could and all that
00:30:03 She's not it's like three four o'clock in the morning. Even I'm getting tired and she's like hey, what do you guys want to do now?
00:30:10 I don't sleep. What's up you okay?
00:30:12 so
00:30:15 Yeah, we know we should go to bed
00:30:17 Sometimes we we stay up, you know
00:30:19 This is how it started how it ended mean how it started was some guy cracking books to study and how it ended was
00:30:25 Picture of the Twitter bird right? I mean kind of understandable. It's kind of understandable
00:30:30 We have this human condition stuff, right? We want to eat more than it's good for us. We generally prefer rest to exercise and
00:30:37 We are attracted to fertility markers in men and women that don't necessarily add up to
00:30:44 really good
00:30:46 Partner material really like we want to have sex with a woman or a guy who's hot
00:30:51 but
00:30:53 Sex produces children and it's not of course exactly one-to-one ratio of hotness to quality parent quality partner
00:31:00 So yeah, we have this human condition stuff. We like sugar more than vegetables, but vegetables are better for us
00:31:06 Yeah, you know, I don't have to tell you all of this stuff, right? We've all done it. We've all done it
00:31:10 We've all done it. I mean I've I've sometimes
00:31:14 If I'm watching a show and it's kind of late
00:31:16 I'm like, oh, I know I should go to bed. I know I should get a bed
00:31:20 I know I should go to bed and it's not even like I'm so ferociously
00:31:23 Thirsty to see the end of the show. It's just like I'm so comfortable. I just don't get up and do I don't even get up
00:31:29 right and
00:31:31 That's a you know, we all know this we all know this and and so kids need to understand
00:31:36 This is not something that your father is perfect at and you need to learn right? I mean, I'm pretty good at language
00:31:42 But you know, so she had to learn some language. Actually this happened. I happened just last night just last night. So I'm reading
00:31:49 the audiobook of my novel almost which is
00:31:53 It's so good. It's so good. It's so good and I
00:31:59 Read ahead right? I don't just sort of dry read and so I read ahead and remember the voice
00:32:05 I need to use and and or try and figure out the best way to approach a scene and
00:32:08 Little bumps and markers and all that all the stuff I learned at the school, right?
00:32:11 So it transitions in emotion and all of that and sometimes it's a couple of takes and all of that
00:32:16 So I was reading ahead in the novel last night. I'm about maybe 55 57 percent done
00:32:22 I reading the book and you can get it at FDR URL comm forward slash almost for free
00:32:28 Wow, that's what I posted on social media. I like because people are like dude, where's your politics?
00:32:34 Where you buying to doing politics and all that and I'm like, well, um
00:32:37 It's all in this book. It's a free audiobook
00:32:40 Everything that I have to say about the current situation is in this book
00:32:44 so I was reading ahead last night and
00:32:48 Of course, it's been a while since I read the book
00:32:51 And so I didn't remember all the twists and turns and plots and I was like man, this is great
00:32:55 I mean you write what why do you write a book you write a book because what you want to read is not present in
00:33:00 the world, right
00:33:02 Why do you create a philosophy show because the philosophy that you want or need or prefer is not present in the world
00:33:07 You create a product because what you want or need is not present in the world
00:33:13 All right, so you create a book because of that right? I'm reading ahead and I'm like, oh, I know I should go to sleep
00:33:17 But this is so good. And it wasn't like I wasn't reading it. Like I'm such a good writer
00:33:22 It wasn't anything like that. It was just like what a great story. Oh, wow. What a great plot twist
00:33:26 Oh, wow, what great characters or wow, that's a really cool description or whatever it is, right?
00:33:32 So, yeah, it's this happened last night right happened last night should have gone to bed earlier
00:33:36 but I was enjoying so much reading ahead of my novel and that
00:33:41 so it's all just human condition stuff and
00:33:43 There's these are some of the physical considerations
00:33:47 But you know, there are other considerations as well
00:33:50 If somebody says if somebody's being mean to a child do I step in and say something?
00:33:54 Well, that's an important question
00:33:57 If somebody is saying something that I consider to be wrong morally factually politically and so on. Do I do I say something and
00:34:04 This isn't really the case with people in my personal life
00:34:09 But it is it can be the case out out there in public right do you do something?
00:34:15 Do you say something and so on right and that's it's a big question. It's a big question. So
00:34:19 Modeling, you know, if you see someone being mean to a child, you know, sometimes it can be tough to say something, right?
00:34:26 Yeah
00:34:27 Don't wanna I don't want to stand up for this right and it can be a delicate situation
00:34:30 And you don't want the child to get in more trouble like look at look at how you embarrass me in public one thing
00:34:35 right and
00:34:36 So these are complicated tough questions
00:34:37 And once you get the child to understand that you know, hey, welcome to the glories of life life is a beautiful wonderful amazing
00:34:43 powerful miraculous thing
00:34:46 Asterisk, right?
00:34:47 It's just the asterisk talk, right? It's glorious
00:34:50 asterisk
00:34:52 Yeah, but it requires some pretty significant management in order to maintain right you got to exercise you got to eat
00:34:57 Well, you gotta get your sleep. You gotta stay safe in various situations and so on right so
00:35:01 Or you know like as my daughter and I were talking about when she was pretty young
00:35:07 Around the question of risk right say oh, well, you know if you got and ride your bike
00:35:12 you can spill right and and you can get your strawberry knee or whatever it is, right and
00:35:17 Now a friend of hers got into a pretty bad
00:35:22 Dirt bike accident. So yeah, these things come come with risk, right? We say yeah, there's risk right and
00:35:27 This fantasy that we can eliminate risk is one of the most horrible things that is
00:35:33 Occurring in the world like oh we can we can eliminate risk by
00:35:37 Locking everyone up in their houses. We can eliminate risk by shutting everything down economically. We can eliminate risk that because of the covert, right?
00:35:45 Sorry, I have to remember that. I'm also speaking to the future as well as the present, right and
00:35:51 You can't
00:35:53 You can't right suppose the estimate is that seven times the life years have been lost
00:35:58 Through shutdowns that have been saved
00:36:01 through shutdowns
00:36:03 seven times
00:36:04 So you can say to your kids? It's well, it's it's dangerous to just grab your bike and go riding around the neighborhood
00:36:10 It's dangerous, even though it's you know, not particularly right? I mean there's there's a lot of reductions in
00:36:15 Issues around children and so on not so much in England's apparently with the young girls and all that
00:36:20 But you can say to your kids
00:36:22 I you know
00:36:23 I feel uneasy when you're out there in the neighborhood and you're out there just roaming around some bad things could happen
00:36:27 Abductions and bullies or whatever it is. So then you want to keep your kids home. You want to keep your kids close and
00:36:33 then
00:36:35 They get fat. They lose muscle mass. They develop vision problems because they're always staring at a screen two inches from their face, right? So
00:36:41 Actually, I'm half and half about the close
00:36:46 reading
00:36:48 Causing eye problems. I don't know if that's true or not
00:36:50 I think I think it's true, but I mean look it up for yourself or talk to your optometrist, but
00:36:53 so you want to eliminate the risk of
00:36:57 Something bad happening to your kid in the neighborhood. You keep your kid home. It just sits around and then
00:37:02 You know an object that's in motion tends to remain in motion inertia, right an object
00:37:07 That's a rest tends to remain at rest
00:37:09 So your kids get out of the habit of?
00:37:11 Getting out and exercising and then they don't want to go and do it because they're getting kind of Pillsbury Doughboy
00:37:16 Puffy marshmallow legs situation, right and they haven't developed athletic skills
00:37:21 So they tend to avoid athletic competitions because they don't want to be humiliated like it becomes a whole self-perpetuating self-reinforcing inertia
00:37:27 So yeah, let your kids go out and play in my humble opinion if you're in a reasonably safe neighborhood
00:37:33 Because the alternative is okay good. They're in the house. I don't have to worry about them. Oh dear
00:37:40 They are now pre-diabetic and they're 12, you know, or they're overweight or whatever it is, right?
00:37:45 So that's gonna make dating tougher and just get a lower quality partner and you know, it's really it's bad. So
00:37:51 That's the issue right when my daughter was at least this healing where she's going down the hill, right? Yeah
00:37:56 I wanted to enjoy biking
00:37:58 I don't want her to feel caution and fear because she's doing something and also of course
00:38:02 When your kids get older and now she's on the Geigas cusp of puberty or whatever, right?
00:38:06 So you kind of have to trust there. You have to trust there. You kind of have to trust their
00:38:13 risk assessment
00:38:15 Because you know when they're little they don't know the consequences of behavior too well
00:38:19 So you kind of have to manage it you have to be there pre pain for them in a way
00:38:21 But you know when they get to be she's almost 12, right?
00:38:25 So I can manage their own crank rum banjara and think right and you know, I
00:38:28 Yes as far as my risk assessment goes
00:38:32 You know, I'm still pleased
00:38:36 I'm still pleased been a heavy price, but I'm still I'm still pleased
00:38:40 and
00:38:42 people who said far fewer
00:38:45 controversial things or less controversial things have also been erased and
00:38:49 So it wasn't like if I had played it safer, it would have been
00:38:53 Necessarily I would have necessarily been safer, right and you can make these games of self-limiting fun for kids
00:39:01 right, so
00:39:04 You I did sort of left hand right hand
00:39:07 There's lots of different ways to do it
00:39:08 But left hand right hand right the left hand was my tongue the right hand was my belly, right?
00:39:12 So my left hand would be reaching for something sweet and my right hand would like smack it away
00:39:15 And it would be like the war of the tongue versus the tummy the tonguey versus the tummy
00:39:20 And this could be fun and and it really does communicate to the child that yeah as
00:39:25 The saying used to be when I was a kid when you'd eaten too much, you know
00:39:29 Your eyes were bigger than your stomach, right?
00:39:31 you thought you wanted all of this or but you couldn't finish your meal your eyes were bigger than your stomach and
00:39:35 That's just a human condition we want more than we have and
00:39:41 You know, we're like Prince's mother never satisfied right and that's that's a human condition. That's why we have civilization. It's why we
00:39:47 Evolved in the way that we did why we have all of this great stuff. They're not satisfied
00:39:52 It's why we have 5g burning a hole through our gonads because because apparently people want their Netflix 12 milliseconds earlier
00:39:59 So they'll give up and no sperm production or whatever theory it is
00:40:02 That's behind the sort of falling sperm counts in the West these days. So and
00:40:07 You'd be you'd be absolutely astounded. You know, you don't want kids to feel at all isolated now if you present yourself as perfect and
00:40:14 Because perfection is also the origin of punishment, right?
00:40:19 Because listen, we all fail in our resolutions. We all fail in our resolutions every
00:40:27 Every day probably you could look at something and say well
00:40:30 I wanted to do this, but I didn't quite get around to it or I didn't want to do this
00:40:33 But I did it anyway, I shouldn't have done that really ideally but I did like we all in a sense fall off the wagon
00:40:39 There is no such thing as perfection in all of these myriad complexities of human life, and that's a human condition
00:40:44 There's nothing wrong with it. It's just life. It's just life. It's not a bad thing
00:40:47 It's a it's a you can say it's a good or a bad thing. It doesn't really matter
00:40:50 It's like saying is is the level of gravity a good or bad thing?
00:40:55 You tell me the alternative by the alternative to
00:41:01 Failure is death right failing to meet ideal standards and then again who even knows what these ideal standards are
00:41:06 Unfortunately, we live in a world where truth tellers are punished. So truth becomes complex and all of that, right?
00:41:12 so it's it's a big challenge and
00:41:14 That's just part of the Gordian knot that we have to unravel every day that we walk God's green anchors, right?
00:41:20 whereas if you present yourself as perfect and
00:41:23 You present your child as needing to evolve to your state of perfection
00:41:32 Well, your child is gonna very clearly see that you're not perfect they're going to see I
00:41:38 Remember a friend of my father's who
00:41:43 Took me in for a summer
00:41:47 I'm gonna get into any details here, but some may be important. Anyway, it doesn't matter
00:41:51 he worked out in the bush and he was a professional and we were out in the bush and
00:41:54 he got horrendously drunk one night with some other people and I was like
00:42:00 15 or 16. I spent the summer with him in another part of Canada and
00:42:04 I remember him
00:42:07 He had this great beard and he was he was a good guy. He was good guy
00:42:11 I have no like he was a good guy. I was glad to spend the summer with him and
00:42:14 He had a nice family and all that and I remember him so drunk he was banging a tin cup
00:42:23 against the wall of the prospectus tent that we were in and
00:42:27 Singing at the top of his lungs and I had no problems with it
00:42:30 I mean it was like it was good to see good to see that kind of thing
00:42:33 but clearly but he drank to excess right and that was pretty apparent the next morning when he awoke like
00:42:38 Like a vampire from a thousand years sleep kind of thirsty and headachy like no boo-boos. No, no, no, no and
00:42:46 So, you know you can see this
00:42:50 You can see this excess in
00:42:53 Adults all the time you you know, the child might hear from the father
00:42:58 We have to say no to things you have to be disciplined and yet
00:43:00 He may have you know, pudgy middle dad, but he may
00:43:04 You know fail to correct someone who's telling something
00:43:08 That's not true. He may not stand up for himself or he may stand up for himself to aggressively and drive people away
00:43:14 It's going to be failures because that's what life is life is brief flashes of success is followed by intermittent failures, right?
00:43:22 If you only write your hopes of happiness on the flashes of success
00:43:27 Then it's like saying but I'd love to navigate the world, but I'm only gonna open my eyes when the lightning flashes
00:43:32 It's like well
00:43:34 Don't really think that's ideal
00:43:37 So your child is going to see you failing in the same way that my daughter saw me sneaking a piece of chocolate
00:43:43 Which I have no regrets about oh, I shouldn't have sucked that piece of chocolate. No, no because then we had a great conversation
00:43:50 About food and temptation and this that the other right?
00:43:53 So if you share with your kids that you're not perfect that there's this human condition thing which creates
00:44:00 unresolvable paradoxes and it's not like all you spend the rest of your life wrestling with temptation because Satan is blah blah blah
00:44:07 It's like no this this is why we have good things. This is why we have great things
00:44:11 This is why we have technology our desire to get something for nothing our desire to have
00:44:17 Rewards without effort our desire to not have to get up to change the channel on the TV
00:44:21 It's why we have all these great things the good and the bad are all blended
00:44:25 I know it's all kind of like a yin and a yang thing and I bet it's really good and the bad are all blended
00:44:29 In and it's just a human condition thing. Nothing
00:44:31 Wrong with it. There's nothing to be fixed any more than there is
00:44:35 You know if we didn't have a hunger for more if we didn't wrestle with ideal standards, we wouldn't have philosophy
00:44:42 We wouldn't have technology. We wouldn't have with this conversation wouldn't exist
00:44:45 So I'm not going to bag on the fundamental human characteristic. That is why this conversation exists
00:44:51 That would be pretty pretty sad pretty silly, right?
00:44:53 so
00:44:56 That to me and I'm sorry for the long speech
00:44:58 But I won't even get into the teenage stuff right in the teenage stuff though, right if you okay
00:45:03 I will very briefly right so but the teenage stuff
00:45:05 If you want your child to perform the great exorcism of carving out peer pressure
00:45:14 from her life
00:45:16 If you want your child to resist peer pressure, we all know the answer to this now, right?
00:45:21 I just want to this stuff should be worn into your brain like train tracks, right?
00:45:25 So the way that you get your child to resist peer pressure is
00:45:30 You resist peer pressure, right?
00:45:33 yourself you resist peer pressure yourself and
00:45:36 If as a child
00:45:40 Your child sees you
00:45:43 Constantly bowing down to peer pressure right somebody refills your wineglass
00:45:47 You know and you don't say no, right?
00:45:50 and you drink maybe a little bit too much or you eat maybe a little bit too much because you know people
00:45:55 Suggest it or you go to
00:45:58 social or family functions that you really don't want to on a consistent basis without any
00:46:02 Explanation as to why and and all of that and if you just don't feel like doing something
00:46:06 You just won't do it and all of that, right?
00:46:08 so if you
00:46:13 Model susceptibility to peer pressure to social pressure
00:46:15 Then of course your child is going to end up
00:46:18 Bowing to peer pressure or at least be highly tempted by it when puberty hits right and the independence kicks in
00:46:24 so
00:46:27 Try not to be hypocritical
00:46:29 be honest about
00:46:32 Hypocrisy and
00:46:35 You won't have any trouble with that stuff
00:46:40 I know that's a big thing to say
00:46:42 But it's it's true
00:46:44 if I am
00:46:46 Hypocritical in my home, which you know, it happens it happens again human condition, right if I'm hypocritical
00:46:54 In other words if I sneak a candy, right? I said my child don't sneaky candy, right?
00:46:59 And the reason I was sneaking a candy is I didn't want to say I can have a candy in you can't I didn't want
00:47:05 To get into that conflict. It was kind of weasley. It's not a huge issue in life or anything
00:47:08 But it's important as a teaching moment. Just try not to be hypocritical be consistent
00:47:12 and
00:47:14 speak openly about
00:47:16 Your failure to live up to
00:47:19 Your ideal standards, which is something your kids have to roll with
00:47:23 Because I mean other ideal standards
00:47:26 These days now
00:47:29 There are no more ideal standards. It's kind of what I started about in the conversation tonight today
00:47:36 What are the ideal standards thou shalt not bear false witness tell the truth. Yeah, okay and get your career destroyed, right?
00:47:43 Right, that's the impossible situation, right
00:47:48 That's the impossible situation that we're in now is free speech falls around the West right tell the truth
00:47:54 Don't bear false witness don't bear to peer pressure
00:47:56 Also having an income is nice, right? So yeah, these are big challenges and navigating them is complex and
00:48:05 Yeah, so I think
00:48:07 You want your child you need your child to see the path by which they can become you assuming they want to be and if
00:48:15 They don't want to be that you got to really fix your life and model something that your children can aspire to
00:48:19 But if you're perfect and they're fundamentally flawed
00:48:23 Then there's no path
00:48:25 From them to you
00:48:29 There's no path from them to you. You know, like you enter one in a GPS you enter some destinations. There's no path for
00:48:35 From you to there. Would you like to take a helicopter or go on foot camel maybe and
00:48:40 So if you're like, yeah, you know, I still struggle with the same thing sometimes
00:48:44 Getting easier, but I still struggle with the same things
00:48:47 Sometimes and you've seen me eat too much
00:48:49 You've seen me not I want to do something and then not do it, which I should do it
00:48:54 So yeah, this is just this is life and it's not really a bad part of life
00:48:59 It's just that any more than gravity is a bad part of life. It just is
00:49:02 Then she's like, oh, okay. So the skills I learn now
00:49:06 Will be the skills I can still use when I'm dad's age or mom's age
00:49:10 Right. That's just the way
00:49:13 It is
00:49:15 That's just the way it is. But if you're perfect, then you're kind of inhuman and
00:49:20 So and it is hypocritical
00:49:22 it is hypocritical and a kid kind of fundamentally gets that because if you say I'm perfect and
00:49:27 you
00:49:30 shouldn't
00:49:31 Ever miss your ideal or my ideal. You should always
00:49:35 Rise to the ideal if you say that
00:49:39 Then you're not an ideal parent. So you've already cracked your credibility to begin with. So
00:49:44 anyway, I hope that helps and
00:49:47 Yeah, always focus change change comes from within that's that's the way to go. That is the way to go
00:49:52 Model and you won't need to punish. That's the way to go to so I hope that helps and
00:49:56 Do we have another
00:50:01 Question look at that an hour to fix parenting planet wide. Hey, that's not bad. I
00:50:06 Would just like to invite the caller the listener if he has any comments on that to follow up
00:50:12 Otherwise, I don't think we have anybody
00:50:14 straight away
00:50:17 Yeah, I'm uh, that was my question and I agree with pretty much everything you said
00:50:22 I think specifically
00:50:25 My question was more oriented towards
00:50:30 How do I I don't want to impose my will as you've mentioned before on her. She's 12 months and
00:50:35 There are some instances where as parents we have to impose our will like whether it's changing a diaper or
00:50:43 Making sure she doesn't do something to hurt herself. So I think what I was
00:50:51 Curious about is how you handled
00:50:54 I mean because I don't want to let her
00:50:59 Do whatever she wants and kind of walk all over us, you know
00:51:02 I don't want I want to walk that line between not imposing our will but not being a permissive parent or unparenting
00:51:08 So when you talk about diapers, though, what age you talking about?
00:51:10 well right now she's 12 months and
00:51:13 She can be a little
00:51:16 Wriggly and now she was always great as you know
00:51:19 Three months six months nine months and now she's starting to because she's she can crawl and she wants to move around and she's developing
00:51:25 Her independent self and you know, she wants she's I can crawl I want to go over there
00:51:30 so she's a little squirmy when we try and change her now, but
00:51:33 Well, I mean is there a favorite song or a story or a funny voice or eye contact or something that you can engage with?
00:51:40 Her because a lot of times you know that the the mechanic really chats with the car
00:51:45 But he's changing the oil but with with kids
00:51:48 I think a lot of times what you can do is you can
00:51:54 You can engage them in some conversation or some story or something like that if that if that makes sense. Yeah, I like kiss her feet and
00:52:01 Sing the itsy bitsy spider. She likes that song. So yeah, there's there's things we can do where but I mean
00:52:07 We're not like forcing her down or anything like that when I say imposing our will I guess I mean like
00:52:13 We're going somewhere and she's an infant. She's kind of pretty verbal like babe. Definitely when she's three months. It's like we're going somewhere
00:52:22 We can't if we could ask you we would but you know, we're just going
00:52:25 and now
00:52:28 I guess we could ask her but she's not really so
00:52:31 I mean, we're still like if we're gonna go somewhere if we're gonna go to her grandparents and we're just gonna go
00:52:36 It's not like she really has an input in that so I don't mean like we're like forcing her to do stuff
00:52:40 But yeah, she's got to be with you, right? Yeah, like we are
00:52:44 We're not using like physical force and she's not like crying and screaming like it's obvious
00:52:48 She doesn't want to do it if she was doing that we wouldn't do it
00:52:51 but I just mean like we're imposing our will like
00:52:53 She doesn't really have a say
00:52:56 Well, I guess she does. I mean if she's if she didn't really want to go somewhere she would put up a fuss
00:53:01 so
00:53:04 And how's her language skills at the moment she says mama and dada and
00:53:08 Light and some a few colors so she's got some some words and what colors
00:53:15 Blue, I'm sorry. I thought you said some F you colors. Oh
00:53:20 I'm like really some colors
00:53:22 Okay, that could be a whole other whole other conversation but
00:53:28 So
00:53:31 Does she have something that she likes to keep with her that she has like, you know
00:53:35 That's sort of teddy bear or something that she likes to keep with her
00:53:37 No, not really. No. Okay. That's good. That means she's got a good bond with you. I guess right? Yeah
00:53:43 Yeah, I was gonna say generally me or her mother
00:53:48 She wants one of us right usually it's her mother because her mom stays home and I go to work and then
00:53:53 When we're around the grandparents, so she'll cling to me which makes me feel good
00:53:57 Yeah, that is nice
00:54:01 So, yeah, I would say that with regards to
00:54:09 going to the grandparents I assume she enjoys it and
00:54:14 So that probably isn't as a big issue and also she's at that age
00:54:17 We're assuming she's got a good relationship with her parents being with you guys is just kind of what she wants to do, right? Yeah, and so
00:54:25 Wherever you like if you if you were to abandon her so to speak, she'd probably be more upset with that
00:54:31 But yeah as she gets older, you know, I think I think it is important to just remind her that you know, she needs to
00:54:43 She needs to have an understanding as to why you go and look I'm sure there's wonderful things about the grandparents or anything like why
00:54:48 No, you go right? I'm sure. Oh, we don't bring her there and leave her there. We all go. No, no
00:54:52 I understand. Oh, yeah, why everyone goes right? Oh, these are my parents in the same way
00:54:55 You enjoy spending time with us
00:54:56 We enjoy spending time with our parents and plus they have a great relationship with you and all that kind of stuff and also, you know
00:55:01 Remind her and say look if there's things that you want to do differently at the grandparents
00:55:06 We don't just bring you there like a sack of potatoes, right?
00:55:08 You know like if if what do you like what do you not like about going to the grandparents like there's all this kinds
00:55:13 of cool stuff that she can
00:55:15 start to
00:55:17 Have her preferences respected. I mean, I'm not saying you don't respect her preferences, but at the moment but
00:55:22 As soon as you can just start to ask her what she likes what she doesn't like and this kind of stuff
00:55:27 Oh, yeah, I'm really excited for that to be able to have those kinds of conversations with her
00:55:31 Good. It's just now it's because I mean we try not to say like no and get like because we went to the pediatrician
00:55:38 She was like, oh when you don't ask her
00:55:40 Can you do this say it's time to do this and when you give her a command and I kind of was like, huh?
00:55:44 We're not really the giving commands kind of parents like Jared like if she's putting something in her mouth
00:55:50 I'll gently
00:55:51 Take her hand away from pull it away from around say oh, please don't put that in your mouth and she generally responds to that
00:55:57 positively, right so I
00:56:00 Do you think that's a good thing that we're doing there?
00:56:05 Yeah, I think so the more choice that you can give children
00:56:09 The better right because that always is there's always going to be differences of opinion
00:56:14 I mean if you if sort of you can stop and track this over the course of a day
00:56:17 Like this, there's really there are so many differences of opinion, you know, even what should we do?
00:56:23 What should we have for dinner? You know what you want to do this evening?
00:56:25 Everybody has a different idea and that's good
00:56:27 I mean kind of weird if everyone borked into the same thing all the time, right?
00:56:30 so everyone has a different idea about what to do with with their time and
00:56:35 Learning how to negotiate that is really really important because you can't have relationships if you can't negotiate
00:56:42 differences because then you could you either end up as a bully or you end up as a victim or
00:56:46 You end up with a self erased which is kind of a subset of victim hood and so on
00:56:50 Self pity resentment like all that kind of stuff cooks in right? So
00:56:54 you do want to try and figure out what your kids want and
00:56:59 Learn how to negotiate with them about what to do and it's so much it's so much more fun
00:57:05 because you know, I don't know if you've had this kind of thing where if
00:57:08 You have family members and you know, let's say your wife doesn't want to go do something
00:57:13 But she just kind of comes along and huffs
00:57:15 I doubt your wife would wait you sounds like you've got a great family and all that
00:57:18 But I can't enjoy something if someone is there against their preference. I
00:57:23 Think yeah, oh, yeah, enjoy it, right
00:57:25 yeah, and
00:57:28 You know can't enjoy saving private Ryan if my 12 no
00:57:31 She has she ever would be but but you you know, you just you can't right?
00:57:34 So I just say look if you don't want to come like if you don't want to come
00:57:38 Maybe I can find some way to encourage you to come or whatever it is, right?
00:57:42 But if you don't want to come I don't want to drag you I
00:57:45 Don't want to drag you
00:57:48 Now you can come with the assurance that I would try and make it as much fun as possible
00:57:51 I can remind you of the other times you didn't want to come someplace and
00:57:55 You know
00:57:56 She didn't want to come on some hike that I was going on and then I eventually talked her into coming
00:58:01 And she found a baby snake which was like the coolest thing for her. She just loves
00:58:05 Critters like that. So, you know, you can you can negotiate and remind and all of that and I'm not above
00:58:12 I'm not about bribing with a trip to men. She's I hate to say it but I
00:58:15 Mean, I've got to be frank with you guys. It's kind of a joke and it's not always that we go
00:58:21 But yeah, it's like okay. Well, you know, I'll just I'll just go on a hike and then I'll I'll drop past
00:58:27 Menchies or maybe we'll go to the dollar store
00:58:29 Maybe I'll just go to bulk barn and just nose around the candy aisle, you know
00:58:33 I mean, I just it's kind of like a joke, right? It's not always that we do it
00:58:37 But you know whether it's right or wrong, I'm just not about it because I just enjoy her company so much so
00:58:41 That is
00:58:45 the weight the way courage and it sounds like you know, your kids obviously gonna be pretty smart and
00:58:49 Trying to give her as much free choices as early as possible is
00:58:56 Is great, you know, it's it's it's like that old cheesy poem, you know
00:58:59 Like if you love something set it free if it comes back to you
00:59:01 It's yours if it doesn't it never was if the more the more choice you give kids the more they'll choose you
00:59:06 yeah, the less choice you give kids the more they'll choose their peers or
00:59:11 Indoctrination or the media or whatever, right?
00:59:15 So yeah, it's just one of these these funny things just give people as much choice as possible
00:59:21 And the more choice you give them them. Well, they'll choose you right?
00:59:25 And
00:59:26 The bit about negotiating - I guess we kind of did have a little negotiating period even though she's pretty verbal
00:59:33 She had this measuring spoon in her mouth that she loved to chew on and I'm like, okay
00:59:37 Well, it's not it's not a choking hazard and you know, it's fine
00:59:41 But then she started crawling around with it and I'm like, what if she slips and you know
00:59:45 Jams in her mouth because she falls on her some so I'm like, oh, please take that out of your mouth
00:59:49 And I kind of grabbed it from her and then she cried right away
00:59:53 And so I'm like, oh, so I gave it back to her and I'm like, oh man, am I buying more of this?
00:59:57 I cry when I want something back, but then we kind of negotiated. I'm like, okay
01:00:01 well
01:00:01 I'm gonna have to pick you up and hold you if you want to chew on it or you can crawl around with it in
01:00:05 Your hand and she kind of did that and and if she went to put it in her mouth
01:00:09 I oh, please don't put it in your mouth. She take it out of her mouth again
01:00:11 So now that's really good that that's like that's a solid B as far as parenting goes
01:00:18 That's like fantastic. That's kind of why I asked the question. It's like I want an a so I'm like, let's
01:00:22 Action. I'd look I don't know what the a is, right?
01:00:26 So I'm not gonna tell you you've got to conform to my ideas and and listen to be is completely facetious
01:00:30 It might have been a perfect day. My first thought would be something like this. Okay. What is the softest fruit you have in your house?
01:00:37 Probably strawberries or something like that
01:00:41 Yeah, okay
01:00:43 Maybe something a little bigger. I'm trying to think like you have like a soft apple or something like that
01:00:48 bananas
01:00:51 That could work. Okay, but and so I'm thinking like a soft fruit maybe banana sized. Oh, whatever
01:00:56 I'm sorry Apple sized or whatever. So so what you do is you say, you know, can I?
01:01:00 Can I just hold your spoon for a second want to show you something, you know
01:01:05 Hopefully she'll at some point it may take a little while. She'll pass it over right and say here's the alley. Oh
01:01:10 You make oh, oh, right. Here's the alley
01:01:14 Imagine picture think and you may just point like this piece of fruit is your mouth
01:01:19 If you fall and then you jam the spoon into the fruit right now
01:01:24 Jam the spoon into the fruit now that hopefully will give her the connection because right now
01:01:33 She is obeying without understanding if I understand this correctly
01:01:37 um, I
01:01:40 think I'm giving into her a little more than she's obeying but
01:01:44 With the with the yeah, but no, she doesn't understand why she can't have things in her mouth probably right, right?
01:01:51 So she and she doesn't understand why she can have
01:01:54 The spoon at her mouth when she's sitting but not when she's crawling, right?
01:01:59 And then probably doesn't differentiate it between her other toys that are meant for her to chew on
01:02:02 Right, right. Oh, yes, that's right. That's right
01:02:06 No, and I totally understand what you're saying
01:02:08 She slips and hits the hardwood or something and that thing's gonna go back into her esophagus like a spear, right?
01:02:12 and I think a lot of this can be taken care of with perhaps thinking yesterday because I asked this Friday a lot of it's
01:02:17 Probably just prevention like don't have that stuff around
01:02:19 Like once we notice that she's got her eye on something that we don't want her to have just kind of hide it
01:02:23 You know, I gotta tell you that's not ideal for me because then it's like things just disappear
01:02:30 Right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I did think of that because like I don't want to do that when she in the moment, right?
01:02:35 And we kind of like I don't like this surreptitious. She's not looking and then we take it from her
01:02:40 Yeah, I suppose it's not much of a difference
01:02:43 Separated by hours because then she's probably still thinking here. Where's that thing that I liked a few hours ago
01:02:49 Well, and and she will say she'll reach for it. You'll in she will indicate that she wants it and then you'll have to lie to her
01:02:55 Soon or I mean, I know she's I don't think I want to I wouldn't lie to her
01:03:00 So so then you'd say daddy hit it
01:03:04 Well, I probably well I guess that would I would have to say
01:03:07 Well, it's over here right it's it's a it's in the drawer sealed in a container
01:03:15 Right, right and that of course then then it's like any time that she
01:03:25 Doesn't have what she wants. She would go to you and say where is it? And then you're kind of in a cycle, right?
01:03:30 Yeah. Yeah, so if she understands that the alley right and
01:03:35 I'd I'd maybe you could draw it. Maybe you could do it with one of her stuffed toys or something like that, right but
01:03:40 So that she understands that if she it may take a little while right
01:03:45 understand if she falls and she's still learning if she falls she will hurt herself right with a spoon in her mouth and
01:03:51 You know, I think I think there's ways to get that across a year. I mean, I think so. I think so
01:03:57 Now, of course if there isn't a way to get that across then you go from a B to an A right?
01:04:03 Which is you didn't just grab it from her violently. You didn't just hide it from her, right?
01:04:06 You just and she understands but then you have to make sure you have to bookmark that in your head, right?
01:04:11 If this is the best that could be done, which is you know straight a plus right?
01:04:15 Then what you have to do is when she becomes verbal, you know what you have to do
01:04:19 if they bring out the spoon if to bring out the spoon and
01:04:23 Say do you remember this?
01:04:27 Do you remember how it used to love chewing on this and it's probably teething right or whatever's going on, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so I
01:04:33 I said you couldn't crawl and I need to explain that to you
01:04:38 So that she knows that what you and it's not about the past right but it's about the future
01:04:45 So then if there's some rule that you can't explain to her
01:04:47 In the future
01:04:52 Then she at least will trust you that an explanation will come in time
01:04:56 Yeah
01:04:57 But great stuff man, but the way she's a she's a lucky girl, man
01:05:02 You know, we should all be so lucky to be yeah, we all should be so lucky is to be reincarnated as their own children
01:05:07 Right. Yeah, that'd be a great thing. Wouldn't that be a great thing?
01:05:10 Amazing so yeah, I hope that I hope that helps but yeah, I mean fantastic work fantastic work. That's this
01:05:18 Brilliant and you know, I got yourself on the back too because all because of you
01:05:24 I appreciate that and and here's the thing too, right? I mean
01:05:27 You know, maybe you could do what you can it's it's a risky thing to spread peaceful parenting for sure, right?
01:05:33 But if you can sort of spread that kind of stuff around
01:05:35 Otherwise, you know if you have friends who are not doing it. Whoo, you know what they'll get is a little bit more
01:05:41 Peace of mind so to speak because they're just authoritarian when their kids are young
01:05:46 But the blowback in the teen years is gonna be something pretty brutal
01:05:49 Yep
01:05:52 Well, I don't think I have any other questions so thank you much I really really appreciate that
01:05:58 Hey, I have no problem with a relatively short show. It's nice. It's nice getting the
01:06:02 Monologues on for a while. I'm really enjoying the the newer shows
01:06:07 I'm still working on some presentations to work another piece for parenting books
01:06:10 So stuff is still cooking along and I hope I hope I hope that people will
01:06:14 Get into almost
01:06:17 It's funny, you know because I was thinking about this it's a long-form novel, right?
01:06:21 It's like 350,000 words or something like that. It's a Lord of the Rings, right? It's a long-form novel and
01:06:26 I guess I have some thoughts
01:06:29 I'm maybe mild concerns not that there's much to be done about it because it's also why I get a chance to put the book
01:06:33 Out is that people are so used to short form like Facebook Twitter stuff
01:06:37 People are so used to short form that and that's why I recorded this as an audiobook because putting it out as just a book
01:06:43 I don't know that people are into reading long novels
01:06:47 Anymore, even though I think it's funny too because I don't think a word is wasted in it
01:06:51 I'm sort of reading it over now
01:06:53 Of course with the hindsight of having written it some time ago reading it over and saying no could I cut this could I cut that?
01:06:59 Well, no that shows up later. Oh, no that I have this whole I mean when I was writing the book
01:07:03 I had this whole wall of like well
01:07:04 This has to fit to here and this has to go in here
01:07:06 And the reason this is here is because of that and all of that
01:07:09 so and that the sort of slow build of the characters and the dominoes of childhood to adulthood from
01:07:16 Tiny personal events that are huge in childhood to huge events in the world decades later
01:07:22 It's all it's all there. So I don't really know what I could cut but
01:07:28 Yeah, so it is. I hope that you will check out the book. It's FDR URL calm forward slash
01:07:35 Almost again, it's free and
01:07:38 Throw it throw it on the car. I'll tell you what just just give it an hour
01:07:42 give it an hour get get to the Battle of the Gardens and
01:07:45 Just see if it doesn't
01:07:47 Grab you by the intellectual and emotional gonads and so on just just give it an hour. Give it an hour
01:07:53 It's free and see if it doesn't get you hooked. I think it will I hope it will
01:07:56 So thanks everyone so much free domain comm forward slash donates to help out the show and I really really would appreciate it
01:08:04 It's you know, listen, I know it's been a tough year for everyone. I'm not I'm not alone in that
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01:08:24 Free domain comm forward slash tonight. Thanks to James as always
01:08:27 Thanks to you my glorious
01:08:30 Brilliant listeners have yourself a wonderful wonderful day. I'll talk to you soon
01:08:34 Well, thank you so much for enjoying this latest free domain show on philosophy
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