SHE WILL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO
Questions from Listeners October 2023
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Why is it that in pretty much all famous novels with child characters, the children are written as orphans?
Please elaborate on the duty of close personal friends in regard to your personal happiness. My consideration of the subject is derived from your narrative describing the dissolution of your first engagement from a relationship of seven years. My circumstance was similar in duration to what was and is an amazing person, yet nevertheless amicably divorced a few years later, totaling 13.
The inquiry surrounds a friend of 20 plus years whose marriage I was thanked for helping preserve after potential infidelity by his wife only a few years earlier, and was later dubbed godparents of their subsequent child, who nevertheless in reference to my divorce didn't have a single question regarding it until over a year and a half later, after distancing myself. Nor mentioned her name, and was the same friend I consulted as whether I should marry after expressing doubts regarding compatibility despite our genuine affection.
While I don't know if we should have married or divorced, and to be fair, believe him to be an otherwise decent person who wouldn't know either, what concerns me, however, is having people in my life that appear to lack equal or any concerns about important decisions in my life and their outcomes. Wherefore, it would be helpful if you could describe what philosophical standards underpinned your decision to eventually dissociate with those you've described as indifferent to your happiness.
Any advice for a W -2 employee who is transitioning to entrepreneurship while supporting a wife and two kids?
Do you have a favorite character from the Lord of the Rings books or films? If so, what do you find particularly compelling about this individual?
I have fallen for a woman who's incapable of loving and or feels herself to be unlovable. We have a history of three years of friendship, closeness, and memories, but even casual sexual intimacy during the first year that we stopped because the sex was making, too toxic? After this the friendship and closeness gradually developed into a very close relationship. Anyway, I'm hurting a lot and I feel like a victim of a broken person as I open my heart to her and it's met with coldness and no communication. Of course this is a lesson I still needed to learn from the neglect of my toxic mother in my early teens and I'm also dealing with this in therapy. But moving on, I already found a new circle of friends whom I care about and am planning an event where there will be awesome quality women with high potential for life partner....
Join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free!
Get access to the audiobook for my new book 'Peaceful Parenting,' StefBOT-AI, private livestreams, premium call in shows, and the 22 Part History of Philosophers series!
See you soon!
https://freedomain.locals.com/support/promo/UPB2022
Why is it that in pretty much all famous novels with child characters, the children are written as orphans?
Please elaborate on the duty of close personal friends in regard to your personal happiness. My consideration of the subject is derived from your narrative describing the dissolution of your first engagement from a relationship of seven years. My circumstance was similar in duration to what was and is an amazing person, yet nevertheless amicably divorced a few years later, totaling 13.
The inquiry surrounds a friend of 20 plus years whose marriage I was thanked for helping preserve after potential infidelity by his wife only a few years earlier, and was later dubbed godparents of their subsequent child, who nevertheless in reference to my divorce didn't have a single question regarding it until over a year and a half later, after distancing myself. Nor mentioned her name, and was the same friend I consulted as whether I should marry after expressing doubts regarding compatibility despite our genuine affection.
While I don't know if we should have married or divorced, and to be fair, believe him to be an otherwise decent person who wouldn't know either, what concerns me, however, is having people in my life that appear to lack equal or any concerns about important decisions in my life and their outcomes. Wherefore, it would be helpful if you could describe what philosophical standards underpinned your decision to eventually dissociate with those you've described as indifferent to your happiness.
Any advice for a W -2 employee who is transitioning to entrepreneurship while supporting a wife and two kids?
Do you have a favorite character from the Lord of the Rings books or films? If so, what do you find particularly compelling about this individual?
I have fallen for a woman who's incapable of loving and or feels herself to be unlovable. We have a history of three years of friendship, closeness, and memories, but even casual sexual intimacy during the first year that we stopped because the sex was making, too toxic? After this the friendship and closeness gradually developed into a very close relationship. Anyway, I'm hurting a lot and I feel like a victim of a broken person as I open my heart to her and it's met with coldness and no communication. Of course this is a lesson I still needed to learn from the neglect of my toxic mother in my early teens and I'm also dealing with this in therapy. But moving on, I already found a new circle of friends whom I care about and am planning an event where there will be awesome quality women with high potential for life partner....
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LearningTranscript
00:00 All right everybody, hope you're doing well.
00:01 Stephen Mollen here from Freedomain,
00:04 and we have great questions from listeners.
00:07 Here we go, here we go.
00:08 Why is it that in pretty much all famous novels
00:11 with child characters, the children are written as orphans?
00:15 That's a fine question.
00:16 Of course, this is a standard trope in the Disney movies
00:20 that the parents are gone or dead.
00:22 You know, a twist you can think of, of course,
00:25 Howard Roark and John Galt from Ayn Rand.
00:28 So why is it that they're written as orphans?
00:30 Well, it's a couple of things.
00:31 First of all, for us to see children in danger
00:35 arouses great sympathy in us,
00:39 and children are in the greatest danger
00:41 when their parents are dead, right?
00:43 So it's just sort of high drama as a whole.
00:47 And of course, the more obstacles people overcome
00:51 in general, the more we admire them.
00:53 And so a child who becomes sort of a good, effective person
00:57 over the course of his life,
00:59 survives and overcomes obstacles and so on,
01:02 and is an orphan, is overcoming even more obstacles
01:07 than usual.
01:08 So I think that's important to be
01:11 without parental protection is important.
01:13 It has us admire and sympathize with the child that aches.
01:15 Like I remember when I first read Oliver Twist as a kid,
01:20 I was like, my heart was breaking.
01:23 The fact that he was trying to return money,
01:27 but he got robbed and everyone thought he was a thief.
01:29 Like, oh, it just broke my heart, broke my heart.
01:31 So I think that's why.
01:32 Dear staff, please elaborate on the duty
01:36 of close personal friends
01:37 in regard to your personal happiness.
01:39 My consideration of the subject is derived
01:42 from your narrative describing the dissolution
01:44 of your first engagement from a relationship of seven years.
01:47 My circumstance was similar in duration
01:49 to what was and is an amazing person,
01:51 yet nevertheless amicably divorced a few years later,
01:53 totaling 13.
01:55 The inquiry surrounds a friend of 20 plus years
01:57 whose marriage I was thanked for helping preserve
02:00 after potential infidelity by his wife
02:03 only a few years earlier,
02:05 and was later dubbed godparents of their subsequent child
02:08 who nevertheless in reference to my divorce
02:10 didn't have a single question regarding it
02:12 until over a year and a half later after distancing.
02:14 Gosh, sorry.
02:15 This is not particularly clearly written.
02:17 All right.
02:18 Let me just, this is somebody who's unfortunately
02:21 writing a bit too formal.
02:22 That's all right, we'll get it, we'll get it.
02:25 The inquiry surrounds a friend of 20 plus years
02:27 whose marriage I was thanked for helping preserve
02:29 after potential infidelity by his wife
02:31 only a few years earlier,
02:33 and was later dubbed godparents of their subsequent child
02:36 who nevertheless in reference to my divorce
02:37 didn't have a single question regarding it
02:39 until over a year and a half later after distancing myself,
02:43 nor mentioned her name,
02:44 and was the same friend I consulted
02:47 as whether I should marry after expressing doubts
02:49 regarding compatibility despite our genuine affection.
02:52 While I don't know if we should have married or divorced,
02:55 and to be fair, believe him to be an otherwise decent person
02:58 who wouldn't know either,
02:59 what concerns me however is having people in my life
03:02 that appear to lack equal or any concerns
03:04 about important decisions in my life and their outcomes.
03:07 Wherefore, it would be helpful
03:11 if you could describe what philosophical standards
03:13 underpinned your decision to eventually dissociate
03:15 with those you've described as indifferent to your happiness.
03:18 Yeah.
03:20 Okay, so I sort of to boil this down,
03:23 and I, you know, I, people, I can sort of understand
03:26 by sort of a formal approach to this kind of stuff,
03:28 but sort of break it down.
03:31 You divorced after being together for 13 years,
03:38 and you had a friend of 20 years,
03:41 you helped him save his marriage,
03:42 he didn't even ask you about his divorce, your divorce,
03:44 sorry, he didn't even ask about your divorce
03:46 for 18 months, right?
03:48 I don't understand.
03:50 If your wife's an amazing person
03:51 and you were amicable in your divorce,
03:53 why on earth would you divorce?
03:54 Maybe there was something like you wanted kids,
03:56 she didn't, or there was infertility issues
03:58 and you wanted to roll your dice
04:00 with some other ovaries or something like that,
04:02 but it just never makes sense to me.
04:03 It's just, frankly, it's annoying to me.
04:05 Oh, it doesn't mean you're wrong,
04:06 I'm just telling you I'm annoyed, right?
04:08 It doesn't mean you're annoying,
04:09 I'm just saying I'm annoyed.
04:10 Because it kind of bothers me when people say,
04:12 oh, my ex-wife's the most amazing person,
04:14 we're great friends, we're amicably divorced,
04:17 we couldn't have, you know, she was wonderful,
04:18 she's amazing, it's like, well, why would you divorce then?
04:21 Why would you divorce?
04:23 It's so confusing, it's like all of these people
04:25 who are really overweight and they say,
04:27 oh, I don't eat much and I just have weird metabolism,
04:29 it's like, no, it's math, I don't understand.
04:32 You know, I'm just, you don't have to explain it to me,
04:35 of course, I mean, nobody has to explain anything to me,
04:38 I'm just telling you, it's just,
04:39 I've heard this over the years,
04:41 you know, you see this with celebrity divorces all the time,
04:44 you know, when they say, oh, we're conscious uncoupling
04:48 and we love each other and we want what's best for each other
04:51 and we're still devoted to each other
04:52 and we wanna be great co-parents,
04:54 it's like, well, then why not stay the eff married?
04:56 I don't understand, I don't understand, she's amazing,
04:59 amicably divorced, anyway.
05:01 So you helped save someone's marriage
05:06 and he didn't even ask you about your divorce
05:14 until over a year and a half after you divorced
05:17 and after you distanced yourself.
05:18 So yeah, so you have an exploiter, right?
05:24 You have a selfish person
05:26 and you've trained this person to be selfish
05:28 by giving them more and more of your time,
05:31 energy, resources, thoughts, attention,
05:34 conversation, wisdom, I mean, you've trained them
05:36 for all of this stuff, right?
05:37 You understand that, right?
05:38 You understand you've trained them to exploit you
05:43 and so on, right?
05:44 In a sense, you're exploiting them to maintain low self-esteem
05:48 to maintain low status and so on, right?
05:50 But yeah, you're just, you're exploiting this person,
05:54 they're exploiting you and it's really quite sad
05:57 and quite tragic and I would strongly recommend
06:00 not doing this, right?
06:02 And maybe that low status stuff is one of the reasons
06:04 why you ended up divorcing your wife
06:05 or she divorced you or I don't know what happened
06:08 but probably, you know, something along those lines,
06:12 something like that.
06:13 So.
06:14 Yeah, they don't care.
06:19 They don't care, you're not like a real person to them.
06:22 You're not like a real person to them.
06:24 Oh, so many people are just wrapped up in themselves,
06:27 wrapped up in their own lives.
06:28 They really don't have a thought for others.
06:30 Like the default position, it seems,
06:32 sort of of modern humanity is to not really have
06:35 much of a thought or care or attention or time
06:37 or love at all for others.
06:42 So the people who are indifferent to your happiness,
06:44 I mean, the guy was foundational to you getting married.
06:50 I, you saved his marriage, he can't even be bothered
06:54 to ask you about your divorce until you distance yourself
06:59 a year and a half into it after the divorce.
07:02 I mean, first of all, he should be someone
07:05 you're sharing your marital issues with.
07:06 Maybe they could have been saved,
07:07 maybe they could have been diverted
07:09 or you could have ended up not getting divorced or whatever,
07:12 but yeah, it's not a friend.
07:14 You know, you can't teach people to care for you.
07:21 You can't inspire them to care for you.
07:24 You know, I mean, my whole life was a famine of fake food
07:29 until I met someone and now have a great circle of people
07:35 I genuinely care about.
07:38 They genuinely care about me.
07:39 Man, I wish I could somehow communicate this
07:44 in a way that impacted you, everyone out there.
07:50 I wish I could describe it,
07:52 what it's like to go from the false famine of fake food
07:58 to actual nutritious meals and sustenance
08:04 and all of that glorious stuff.
08:08 I wish I could explain it.
08:09 I mean, I tried to sort of talk about it,
08:13 obviously I try to talk about it,
08:14 but I wish I could explain it better.
08:18 I spent, you know, I would say
08:24 at least the first three decades of my life
08:30 with nobody giving much of a shit about me.
08:34 30 years, and you know, I had friends and I dated
08:38 and it wasn't like, you know, I wasn't isolated.
08:40 I wasn't Thoreau at Walden's Pond or anything like that.
08:44 I was not, I moved through the world.
08:48 I had contact, I went to dances and dinner parties
08:52 but as far as somebody caring about me,
08:56 now I'm gonna be fair, obviously I wanna be fair
09:01 and I don't wanna play the victim here.
09:03 I can't honestly sit there and say,
09:06 but I was full of nothing but love for every,
09:09 I didn't even know what any of this stuff was.
09:14 I mean, what do you see in the media
09:16 when it comes to love or affection?
09:18 What do you see?
09:19 Well, you see people falling in lust with each other.
09:22 You see people falling in lust with each other.
09:25 I mean, there's a goofy movie with Molly Ringwald
09:29 and James Spader and some other forgettable 80s dudes
09:33 Pretty in Pink where the girl, you know,
09:37 falls in love with the guy and for what?
09:41 For nothing.
09:42 He's cute, she's cute.
09:44 So there's this sexual obsession or lust
09:47 or a salvation fantasy or whatever
09:51 but they don't care about each other.
09:52 You can't like, literally like after three dates,
09:55 they're like passionately and all of a sudden,
09:57 one of them was a really bad date
09:59 and they're just passionately in love and they care.
10:02 And it's like, oh, it's madness.
10:04 When do you see genuine caring?
10:06 Genuine, thoughtful, considerate, virtuous,
10:11 moral, deep and empathetic caring.
10:12 You don't see that anywhere.
10:15 And I would imagine that you're in a situation
10:18 in your life where you haven't seen it,
10:23 you haven't experienced it,
10:24 you haven't tasted deep of this beautiful fruit.
10:31 And I wish I had the poetry or the language
10:36 or the metaphors or the analogies
10:38 or the storytelling ability to communicate to you
10:42 how different the world is
10:47 when you have people who delight in you.
10:51 Do you know what I mean?
10:53 People who delight in you,
10:56 people who really wanna hear your thoughts,
10:58 people who really enjoy your company,
11:01 people who...
11:05 My wife, my daughter,
11:12 my wife was helping me with something tonight
11:13 and we were just joking about it
11:15 and it was so funny and so much fun.
11:17 Last night, my daughter sent me a message,
11:20 she couldn't sleep, she said,
11:21 "Can we go out for breakfast in the morning?"
11:23 So of course this morning I knocked on her door
11:25 and like literally jumped up and down in her room,
11:27 like, "We are going to breakfast,
11:29 "we are going to breakfast."
11:31 'Cause you know, it's great fun
11:32 and you know, she's in her last couple of years
11:33 of being at home and I don't wanna miss a thing.
11:36 So to take genuine deep and beautiful delight
11:41 in the presence of others,
11:42 to be drawn to those people,
11:44 to want to hear what they think and feel,
11:47 to listen to them with great depth and seriousness
11:50 and to just really, really enjoy
11:56 and live for the company of others
11:58 as they enjoy and live for your company.
12:00 To feel there's no end to the beauty
12:05 of the gallery of their mind,
12:07 that there's no bottom or top
12:10 to the science and art and beauty and landscapes
12:17 of what they think and feel and communicate.
12:20 Please, my friends, can you try to get this?
12:26 Can you try to offer this?
12:27 Can you try to summon this?
12:29 Can you do anything within your power
12:31 to bring this into being, to bring it about?
12:34 Lavish your affections on people.
12:37 Lavish your affections on people.
12:39 Why not?
12:40 Oh, they're gonna exploit me.
12:43 Yes, it might happen.
12:45 It probably will happen.
12:46 So what?
12:47 The fact that there are bad people out there
12:50 shouldn't turn you into a hard-guarded, stone-faced avoider
12:56 of passion.
12:57 I have been affectionate to a fault in my life
13:04 and I regret none of it.
13:06 I have been overly generous in my life.
13:10 I regret none of it.
13:11 I've been overly passionate in my life.
13:13 I regret none of it.
13:14 I have cast my lot in
13:18 and declared myself to women that I was attracted to
13:22 and I've been accepted.
13:25 I've been rejected.
13:26 I reject.
13:27 I regret none of it.
13:29 And when you get older, oh gosh,
13:33 you know, I hate to be though, I'm 57, right?
13:35 But seriously, when you get older,
13:36 you look back upon, oh, I was worried about this.
13:38 I was worried about that.
13:39 This person rejected me.
13:40 This person liked me.
13:41 I wanted this.
13:41 It doesn't matter.
13:42 Like, your fears are gonna mean nothing anyway.
13:49 For God's sakes, please, I'm begging you on my knees.
13:52 Your fears are gonna be nothing anyway.
13:55 You think you're gonna be on your deathbed looking back
13:57 and saying, well, boy, you know,
13:59 the fact that I hesitated and never really ended up
14:01 asking out that girl that I really liked,
14:03 that makes total sense to me 'cause I'm dying now.
14:06 Like, your fears are gonna be nothing.
14:08 So why not have them be nothing now?
14:12 Before it's too late, before regret,
14:16 before the ship has sailed,
14:18 before the bridge has crumbled,
14:19 before the passage of time has made your fears irrelevant.
14:23 I mean, we all gain a kind of courage as we age
14:26 because our fears just become less and less important.
14:29 And I've always had a sense of that.
14:32 Obviously, you know, I have been nervous.
14:36 I have been afraid of things.
14:36 I'm not, you know, like,
14:40 some feel-less or thoughtless robot.
14:44 But I've always had a sense that this too shall pass
14:50 and things that, I mean, you can think about this, right?
14:53 You can think about stuff that when you were a kid, right?
14:55 Stuff that when you were a kid massively bothered you,
14:59 right, hugely bothered you.
15:02 Something, you lost something,
15:04 somebody else ripped a page out of your book,
15:05 you lost your crayons, somebody used your chalk
15:08 and bladed it down.
15:10 And you know, now you don't even remember these things.
15:14 You don't know where any of that stuff is anymore.
15:21 When I was in my mid-teens,
15:23 I saved up to get a Winslow Homer painting,
15:25 you know, the sort of famous one of the guy in the boat
15:26 in the storm.
15:27 And someone, I know who it was,
15:32 but it doesn't really matter, right?
15:33 But someone put big goggle eyes on the guy in the boat.
15:38 Like they just put, and I was kind of annoyed at it
15:40 'cause it made the painting,
15:41 which I thought was sort of kind of powerful
15:43 and I really loved that painting,
15:44 it made it look kind of goofy and cartoony, right?
15:49 So I said, "Take those goggle eyes off,
15:52 "this is like insulting to me.
15:53 "Like this is insulting to the passion
15:55 "and the fact that I don't have much money
15:56 "and I saved up for this painting."
15:58 And so that person took the googly eyes off
16:03 and left a big tear on the painting
16:05 and it looked like the man had like no face.
16:08 And it was, you know, bad.
16:10 So then he tried to, I don't know,
16:11 patch it up with his crayons.
16:14 I just, you know, and it was annoying
16:16 and it was sort of a sign as a whole of things.
16:19 I don't even know where that painting is anymore.
16:23 I borrowed a friend's sweater to go on a date.
16:28 You know, when you grow up poor, you don't have nice clothes
16:34 and so you have to go to Goodwill
16:36 where you buy the clothing by the pound
16:37 and occasionally you can find these gems,
16:40 like these great things to wear.
16:42 And my friend had one of these great things to wear
16:45 and I borrowed his sweater
16:47 and I got caught in a sudden rainstorm
16:53 and the sweater got wet and he was really mad.
16:56 He was really, "Oh, this sweater is stretched out.
16:59 "It's useless to me."
17:00 He was really angry.
17:01 He was really angry about the sweater.
17:03 And you know, this was a significant blow to our friendship
17:07 'cause I, obviously, like, I'm sorry about your sweater.
17:09 I didn't mean to get it wet.
17:11 I'm sorry about your sweater.
17:13 I will work to try and get you a similar sweater.
17:14 And he's like, "Oh, you can't.
17:16 "It took me a year."
17:16 You know, people just escalate.
17:18 "It took me years to find this sweater.
17:19 "This sweater was everything to me.
17:21 "This sweater was gonna be my future, man.
17:23 "This sweater was made of my dad's blood."
17:27 Raising in the sun stuff, right?
17:29 And it was a big blow 'cause I'm like,
17:33 "Dude, it's a sweater."
17:34 And you know, I bet you if I were to talk to this person now,
17:40 you know, 40 plus years after the event,
17:45 he would have no clue where that sweater is.
17:47 And his sweater wouldn't have mattered at all.
17:50 Now, it doesn't matter.
17:51 Like, looking back, that which seemed so important.
17:53 Now, of course, I'm not saying be totally Zen
17:55 and have no feelings and have no anxieties or fear.
17:58 But have some perspective, right?
18:00 Have some perspective.
18:02 I mean, I can tell by the formality of your writing
18:07 that you're a very deliberate and careful person.
18:09 And deliberate and careful people,
18:12 people who aren't spontaneous,
18:13 people who don't take risks.
18:17 And people who honestly,
18:19 who try to create an impression or an appearance, you know?
18:23 My wife's amazing, amicably divorced.
18:25 It's like, you're a very formal,
18:28 and I say this with sympathy, you're a very formal person.
18:31 Your language is a little tough to get across.
18:34 And you don't express any emotions
18:36 other than sort of abstract self-praise
18:38 about how amazing your wife was.
18:40 And the inquiry surrounds,
18:42 so you're a very careful person.
18:43 You're a formal person,
18:44 which means you're gonna be very hard to get close to,
18:46 and you're gonna be very hard to connect with.
18:48 I had trouble even connecting with the language
18:51 at the beginning of this.
18:53 And what are you hoarding for?
18:55 What are you playing so safe for?
18:56 What?
18:59 You think you're gonna get a medal at the end
19:02 because you avoided risks?
19:04 You think there's gonna be some ceremony?
19:06 You think you're gonna get a 21-gun salute
19:09 for living small and living super carefully
19:12 and not being spontaneous, not being emphatic,
19:17 not being exaggerated as you would think or feel?
19:22 I mean, why not live passionately?
19:27 Because everything that's holding you back
19:32 from being passionate,
19:33 everything that's holding you back from being direct,
19:35 everything that's holding you back
19:37 is also holding you back from connecting with other people,
19:40 from getting their loyalty.
19:42 I mean, I think that people like some of the stuff
19:46 that I have to say because I'm pretty direct
19:48 and I'm pretty passionate and I don't hold back.
19:51 And I'll laugh hysterically, I'll cry,
19:55 I'll raise my voice and I'll be spontaneous,
20:00 I'll make mistakes, I'll come up with good analogies,
20:03 bad analogies.
20:04 I'm just enjoying the actions of brain and communication
20:08 in the moment.
20:10 And is it a bit of a dance along a cliff edge?
20:13 Yeah, yeah, for sure, sometimes.
20:16 But I think people like that
20:17 and I think that's kind of rare to see
20:19 or to get in this world
20:21 because people tend to be very careful,
20:23 they tend to be very self-conscious
20:25 and they tend to say things for effect
20:29 rather than being direct.
20:31 Effectiveness rather than directedness.
20:37 People say things for effect.
20:38 People say things for effect, how does this,
20:40 like you say things, say, how does this make me look?
20:43 How does this, what does this do for me?
20:45 What do I say in terms of status, right?
20:47 Right, so when you say,
20:51 my wife is an amazing person
20:56 and you said your relationship was seven years
21:01 but it totaled 13, you compared it
21:03 to my relationship of seven years,
21:04 mine was sort of off and on, long distance.
21:08 And you said, well, mine was 13 years,
21:10 so I don't know how seven relates to 13
21:12 other than it's six less,
21:13 but you say to what was and is an amazing person,
21:17 yet nevertheless amicably divorced a few years later.
21:21 And so that's for effect,
21:24 the formality of a language is for effect.
21:27 Maybe you want me to think of you
21:28 as very educated and intelligent
21:29 and I'm sure you are very educated and intelligent
21:32 and I think that's great.
21:35 But wherefore it would be helpful
21:39 if you could describe what philosophical standards
21:41 underpinned your decision to eventually dissociate
21:43 with those you've described as indifferent
21:45 to your happiness.
21:46 Well, I recognized that it was me
21:51 who was most fundamentally indifferent to my happiness
21:53 by not demanding more of myself and of others.
21:56 You know, pry open your heart.
21:57 I mean, do you ever have this friend when you be younger,
21:59 usually everybody has at least one friend like this.
22:02 You have this friend and he is
22:05 cheap, right?
22:07 Like pry open the wallet and mothballs and dust comes,
22:12 pry open the wallet and okay,
22:15 like what are you saving for?
22:16 What are you saving all your money for?
22:17 What are you saving your money for?
22:18 Go spend some money, have some fun.
22:20 What do you, you don't get prizes when you die
22:23 for having the most digits in a bank account
22:26 and inflation is gonna take it anyway.
22:28 And I'm not saying be a spendthrift, obviously, right?
22:29 But the people who just hoard
22:31 and that they hoard themselves,
22:32 they hold their money, they're super careful.
22:34 They, everything they say is about how it affects
22:37 how other people view them or see them.
22:39 And it's really, it's a sort of convoluted
22:42 and paralyzing and impermeable kind of way.
22:47 It's a very opaque kind of,
22:50 I mean, I'm very translucent, right?
22:51 I think people see that.
22:54 I think, it wasn't my wife who said,
22:58 over the years she said,
23:00 "I'm not like the least offended person I've ever met."
23:02 And she meant that sort of in a very,
23:03 but it gets very open.
23:05 So I think I'm very translucent people.
23:09 What you see is what you get.
23:11 What you see is what you get.
23:12 And if you've ever met me in person,
23:14 what you see is what you get.
23:17 I'm not saying things for effect or to try and look good
23:21 or to try and seem smart,
23:23 or I'm just trying to be direct
23:25 and trying to do as much good
23:26 with the skills that I have as sort of humanly possible.
23:30 So, and this has obviously been to my detriment at times
23:34 to say things that are important and meaningful.
23:39 And I have, obviously I'm aware of the negative effects
23:43 of some of the things that I say,
23:44 but I'm willing to sort of do that and take that risk.
23:47 There's a fantastic line.
23:51 I was in King Lear when I was in theater school
23:54 and there's a fantastic line
23:55 that always stuck with me over the years in the,
23:59 I guess it's close to 30,
24:02 close to 35 years or whatever since I was in theater school.
24:06 And the line is, "The weight of the sad time we must obey,
24:09 "speak what we feel, not what we ought to say."
24:13 "The weight of the sad time we must obey,
24:16 "speak what we feel, not what we ought to say."
24:20 And also a book I read by John Fowles called "The Magus."
24:24 It was not a great book,
24:25 but there was a very sort of powerful lesson in it
24:28 about a guy who is very self-conscious
24:32 and has an imaginary judge that surrounds him
24:35 that's giving him points for good or bad
24:37 or high status or low status behavior.
24:39 And as a result, he can't connect with anyone.
24:41 So indifferent to your happiness,
24:45 what are you doing to increase your happiness?
24:47 If you have people around you who don't even care
24:49 that you got divorced,
24:50 even after you helped them save their marriage,
24:52 it's easy to play the victim.
24:53 I get that, it's easy to play the victim.
24:55 And did your heart done by and you're wronged and so on.
24:57 You can certainly make that case.
24:59 But why are you settling for that?
25:03 Why are you settling for that?
25:05 Why are you settling for that?
25:06 All right.
25:07 Any advice for W2 employee who is transitioning
25:09 to entrepreneurship while supporting a wife and two kids?
25:12 Oh man.
25:12 Stay close with people who have money.
25:17 You might need that.
25:18 Try and build up a line of credit in business.
25:21 Cashflow is king.
25:22 Cashflow means that your bills,
25:25 you get paid intermittently,
25:27 but your bills are monthly or bi-weekly or whatever.
25:29 Try and keep down the number of employees you have,
25:32 but outsource everything that you can.
25:34 So if you make,
25:36 if you can make,
25:39 let's say you make $40 an hour,
25:41 then everything that you can pay someone to do
25:46 that's less than $40,
25:47 try and get them to do it.
25:48 So outsource as much as possible
25:50 and make sure that you work on doing all of that.
25:53 Get involved in networking as much as possible
25:56 and remember that the majority of building a business
25:59 isn't producing goods,
26:00 but getting people to know you.
26:03 Work to be as positive and pleasant
26:04 and engaging as possible so people remember you.
26:08 And yeah, good luck, man.
26:11 It's a tough time to do it.
26:12 All right.
26:13 Do you have a favorite character
26:13 from the Lord of the Rings books or films?
26:15 If so, what do you find particularly compelling
26:17 about this individual?
26:18 Yeah, my favorite character, I think it's fairly common.
26:20 My favorite character is a Samwise Genji.
26:23 Genji, Gamgee, not Genji, like the river.
26:26 Samwise Genji is by far my favorite character
26:28 in Lord of the Rings because that level
26:30 of steadfast loyaltiness, I'm sorry,
26:32 steadfast loyalty is really impressive.
26:36 And I remember once when I was,
26:41 after I broke up with the woman I almost married in my 20s,
26:44 I was living downtown with a couple of roommates.
26:49 I was actually the roommate
26:50 and they were living there together.
26:52 And I was reading Lord of the Rings again
26:53 and I came to the bit where they kind of clung together
26:55 under the shadows of Mordor and supported each other
26:57 and helped each other.
26:58 And I was like, "Damn, that should have been me
27:00 and my brother," but never was.
27:02 So yes, I think that level of loyalty and courage,
27:05 I mean, it's a beautiful thing about Lord of the Rings
27:09 is just the unquestionable loyalty
27:11 that everyone has in the fellowship, right?
27:13 And if there's a lack of loyalty,
27:14 if there is a bar or mirror,
27:15 there's a sort of explanation as to why
27:18 and the ring and so on, right?
27:21 So you have my sword, I will die for you,
27:24 I will carry you, right?
27:26 Just that level, just what we could achieve as a species
27:29 if people had that level of loyalty.
27:31 I mean, I've tried to be loyal to you, the listenership,
27:33 I've tried to be loyal to philosophy,
27:34 I've tried to be loyal to the truth and to virtue.
27:37 I've tried to be loyal, obviously, to my family
27:39 and that loyalty that Sam shows.
27:44 And you can say, "Ah, well, Aragorn shows it too."
27:48 And it's like, well, yeah,
27:48 Aragorn is like this big monster cut out paper fighter,
27:52 paladin fighter guy.
27:53 I know he's a ranger and all that,
27:54 so it struck me as kind of a paladin,
27:56 you know, a well-bladed Jesus guy.
27:58 He's not particularly tough for him.
28:00 What dangers did he really face, right?
28:03 But no, Samwise is just that loyalty
28:06 and that loyalty is just about everything in this world.
28:08 All right, high stuff, high stuff.
28:12 I have fallen for a woman who's incapable of loving
28:14 and/or feels herself to be unlovable.
28:18 So your mother, right?
28:20 We have a history of three years of friendship,
28:21 closeness and memories,
28:22 but even casual sexual intimacy during the first year
28:25 and even casual sexual intimacy during the first year
28:27 that we stopped because the sex
28:29 was making the relationship too toxic.
28:31 After this, the friendship and closeness
28:32 gradually developed into a very close relationship.
28:35 Anyway, I'm hurting a lot
28:38 and I feel like a victim of a broken person
28:40 as I opened my heart to her
28:42 and it's met with coldness and no communication.
28:45 Of course, this is a lesson I still needed to learn
28:47 from the neglect of my toxic mother in my early teens
28:50 and I'm also dealing with this in therapy, but moving on.
28:53 I already found a new circle of friends who I care about
28:55 and am planning an event
28:56 where there will be awesome quality women
28:58 with high potential for life partner.
29:00 So my question is how do you recognize women
29:02 who do not have this issue of being unable to love
29:05 or who feel like they're not worth loving?
29:07 I suppose it's about them embracing reason,
29:09 at least to some extent,
29:11 trying to do something good in the world
29:14 and about me being connected to my feelings
29:17 to recall from bad women.
29:19 Do you have some additional advice?
29:20 Yeah, I mean,
29:21 people who are happy being themselves
29:25 are great fun to be around,
29:27 like great fun to be around.
29:28 Does she enjoy being herself?
29:30 Is she happy within her own skin?
29:31 Does she, I mean, again, I'm not trying to
29:35 fake something here or whatever it is,
29:36 but I enjoy my own company.
29:38 I'm happy spending time with friends and family.
29:40 I'm happy spending time alone
29:42 and I am happy being myself for the most part.
29:45 You know, everyone has their little bits here and there
29:47 or whatever, right?
29:48 But yeah, I mean, my happiness is a solid 7.5 to eight
29:52 on a regular basis.
29:54 That's most of my life,
29:57 certainly since my 30s.
30:00 And I mean, I'm not gonna aim for 10 all of the time.
30:03 That would seem kind of deranged.
30:05 So I mean, I think that's about as good, I think,
30:07 as you can get as a whole.
30:08 So yeah, people who are happy in their own skin,
30:12 happy being themselves.
30:13 People who are competent.
30:18 Oh man, that's a huge thing.
30:20 People who are competent,
30:21 and I don't just mean competent at work,
30:22 though that's important,
30:23 but people who are just plain competent
30:25 are such a lifesaver.
30:26 You know, a life of any reasonable levels of achievement
30:31 is a busy, complicated thing.
30:33 You need to get a lot of stuff done.
30:35 You need to get a lot of stuff done.
30:37 If you've got any big, decent, reasonable goals
30:42 in life, you're gonna need to get a lot of stuff done.
30:45 You might have to build a business.
30:49 You might have to build a house.
30:51 You might have to build a friend group.
30:53 You might have to move countries.
30:55 You might have to, you know, you've gotta do your taxes.
30:58 There's a lot that's going on in life.
31:00 You know, parents get ill, and there's a lot that happens.
31:05 There's conflict within the family.
31:06 There's conflict over wills.
31:08 There's cottages to divvy up for people, and so on.
31:11 There's a lot of complicated stuff that goes on in life.
31:14 Your children get sick.
31:16 It's just complicated, difficult things.
31:18 You need people who are clear
31:23 from convoluted mess and trauma
31:25 so they can get things done
31:26 so you can have a productive and purposeful life.
31:29 So this kind of person, let me just sort of go back
31:32 and make sure I get the description accurately, right?
31:35 The victim of a broken person,
31:38 and she's incapable of loving,
31:41 or feels herself to be unlovable.
31:42 So when you have things going on in your life,
31:47 like you're trying to build a movement,
31:49 you're trying to build a business,
31:50 you're trying to build a family,
31:51 you're trying to just do something
31:52 relatively important with your life,
31:55 you don't have time, effort, energy, or reason
32:00 to sit back and constantly pick up people
32:02 who are wounded and broken and punching themselves
32:06 and snarling at themselves.
32:08 I mean, you have a life with purpose.
32:11 Your purpose can't be to constantly stitch up somebody
32:14 who keeps cutting themselves,
32:16 to constantly bind up the broken limbs
32:19 of somebody who keeps smashing their legs
32:21 with a ball-peen hammer.
32:22 Don't you have stuff to get done in this life?
32:25 Do you gotta keep circling back and propping people up?
32:29 You know, I mean, the woman that I was almost married to
32:32 in my 20s, I mean, she was in the arts,
32:34 and I was grinding away, I was writing novels,
32:36 I was doing all this kind of stuff,
32:37 and she just wanted to do it.
32:41 And I tell her, "Well, do this, do that."
32:43 I mean, I'd started a business,
32:44 I'd written a whole bunch of novels,
32:46 I'd written like 30 plays, or hundreds of poems,
32:49 and just sit down, do X, Y, and Z.
32:52 Write a screenplay.
32:53 Here's five different scenarios
32:54 for screenplays you could write.
32:56 And it was just like, she couldn't get it done.
32:58 You come home every day, "Did you get it done?"
33:02 You know, I didn't really have the inspiration.
33:06 Okay, well, then probably not for you.
33:10 I mean, I remember when someone asked me
33:16 a very sort of important question
33:17 when I was sort of mulling over
33:19 whether I wanted to be a writer or an actor,
33:22 sort of in my early 20s.
33:24 I went to theater school for acting and playwriting.
33:26 Do I want to be a writer or an actor?
33:28 And it was a woman, and she said,
33:29 "Okay, well, when you come home, what do you do?"
33:31 I said, "I write."
33:32 There you go. (laughs)
33:33 Life's actually kind of simpler.
33:35 She says, "Yeah, you're not studying monologues.
33:37 "You're not learning accents.
33:39 "You're not signing up for sword fighting lessons
33:41 "in case they do a remake of 'The Princess Bride.'
33:44 "Like, you go home when you have time.
33:47 "What do you do?
33:48 "You write."
33:48 Okay, so that's probably what you should be doing.
33:50 So, dragon along the wounded wounds your life,
33:56 wounds your potential, right?
34:02 You're afraid of living large.
34:04 You're afraid of having purpose.
34:05 You're afraid of being big in the world.
34:07 And so, you don't want to admit that to yourself.
34:10 So, you hang around wounded people with your heart broken
34:13 so you don't have to get anything done in this life.
34:18 So, you can circle the drain and feel like a good person.
34:21 And look, I mean, you could say to me,
34:25 "Steph, well, you spend a lot of time talking
34:27 "with people who are kind of hurt
34:28 "and a lot of them are kind of broken."
34:30 And it's like, "Yes, I do.
34:31 "Yes, I do."
34:33 But that is not stopping my life.
34:36 That is helping my life
34:41 because I have these conversations
34:43 and I talk to people who put the conversations out
34:47 and it's very good for the world.
34:48 Right, they're not dragging me down.
34:51 Hopefully, I'm helping them up or whatever, right?
34:55 Or getting them pointing at least in the right direction.
34:58 But they're not dragging me down.
34:59 So, I don't, you know, if you want to say,
35:02 "Well, Steph, you spend a lot of time
35:03 "with broken people on the show."
35:05 And I don't see broken people as not the right phrase,
35:06 but you know, people who are hurting
35:08 and having big trouble or whatever.
35:10 And I do, I absolutely do.
35:14 And that is the purpose,
35:16 one of the central purposes of my life
35:18 is to sort of try and use philosophy
35:20 to help people gain moral clarity
35:22 and forward momentum in their lives.
35:24 So, what the hell are you doing?
35:26 You're not helping me.
35:27 So, what the hell are you doing?
35:30 Just lurking around this broken person
35:32 who is cold and it's toxic.
35:36 And like, God, do you not have anything
35:40 that you need to do in your life
35:41 that makes this impossible?
35:44 Right?
35:48 I mean, I want broken people to be like this to you.
35:53 Like you're on your way for a job interview
35:56 for the career of your dreams,
35:58 whatever you most wanna do,
35:59 you're on your way to that job interview
36:01 that could give you the job of your dreams.
36:04 And there's someone comes tugging up to you and says,
36:08 "Hey, do you want a paper route?
36:15 "Because, you know, I've got like nine houses,
36:17 "I'll give you a cozy 20 bucks a week.
36:19 "I mean, I could really use help.
36:21 "Do you wanna help me with my paper route?"
36:26 Wouldn't you just like, "No, no,
36:28 "I don't even have time to talk, I'm on my way."
36:31 Right, so you've got a date with destiny,
36:35 a journey to something relatively big
36:36 and important in your life,
36:37 or maybe majorly big and important in your life,
36:39 I don't know, you've got something great going on.
36:42 And somebody's like, "Hey, do you wanna tend
36:46 "my stupid self-inflicted wounds for the next 50 years?"
36:51 Nope, I really don't.
36:54 So you just shake that shit off and aim your sights higher,
36:57 aim to get something done with your life.
36:59 All right, how can you tell if you have
37:00 truly morally changed as a person?
37:03 Sorry, how can you tell if you have
37:04 truly changed as a person, morally speaking?
37:06 Ah, well that one's easy.
37:09 Everyone from your former life kinda hates you.
37:11 Sorry, I don't mean to, maybe I should have wooed you
37:14 a little bit before taking that bandaid off with a chainsaw.
37:17 But if you've morally changed as a person,
37:20 truly morally changed as a person,
37:21 yeah, everybody who used to like you now hates you.
37:24 And everybody, well, some people who used to hate you
37:27 may now be open to your company, so yeah.
37:30 If you were kinda corrupt as a person,
37:33 and I've been there, right,
37:34 if you were kinda corrupt as a person,
37:35 you've morally changed when people are like
37:38 not inviting you places, they're spreading lies about you,
37:42 they are putting you down, they're complaining that,
37:45 "Oh, you just think you're so good for us now,
37:47 "you're too good for us now."
37:49 So yeah, you've truly changed when the people
37:51 who used to approve of you now hate you.
37:53 All right, limerence is a state of mind.
37:55 I wanted to look this up.
37:57 Honestly, somehow this word had escaped me,
37:59 so I'm really, really glad,
38:00 and thank you for bringing this word to my attention.
38:02 It's a great word.
38:03 Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic
38:06 or non-romantic feelings for another person,
38:08 and typically includes intrusive, melancholic thoughts
38:10 or tragic concerns for an object of one's affection as well
38:13 as a desire to form or maintain a relationship
38:15 with the object of love.
38:16 Hey, Steph, how do you get over the feeling of limerence?
38:19 I met this attractive girl a few months ago
38:22 at a friend's wedding.
38:22 She gave me her social media,
38:23 and I didn't really think much about her
38:25 until I started following her posts
38:27 and talking to her online.
38:28 I was surprised at how many interests we had in common,
38:31 and similar childhood upbringings.
38:33 Unfortunately, she's dating someone,
38:35 but I still find myself checking what she posts almost daily
38:38 to find out what she's up to.
38:40 How do I forget about this person?
38:42 Well, what the hell is she chatting with some guy online
38:46 if she's already dating someone?
38:48 Like, you don't do that.
38:51 I mean, I know this may be some sort of Gen Z bullshit,
38:54 but no, you don't do that.
38:56 You think I'm having long chats with girls online?
39:00 No, never, no million years.
39:02 So, yeah, oh, similar interests.
39:06 God, God, spare me from similar interests.
39:09 We both like tennis.
39:11 We both like Scorsese movies.
39:14 We both like Hollandaise sauce.
39:18 It's like, yeah, sounds like a great basis
39:20 for a passionate, moral, virtuous relationship
39:22 'cause you have a whole bunch of overlapping Venn diagrams
39:26 of inconsequential coincidences.
39:28 God, we both had a dog named Jeff
39:32 when we were teenagers.
39:34 Weird coincidences, right?
39:35 I remember one guy who wanted to marry a woman
39:38 because they were living together
39:41 and they had a Brita filter for a long time with no filters.
39:45 It was a water filter.
39:46 And they both came home after not having used this thing
39:49 for a year, they both came home on the same day
39:53 with Brita filters.
39:57 (gasps)
39:57 ♪ Dun, dun, dun ♪
39:58 It's like, oh, please, yeah,
40:00 bunch of coincidences, right?
40:02 We're both really into table tennis and Frisbee golf.
40:05 It's weird, man.
40:07 It's like, that's not a relationship.
40:09 That's a coincidence.
40:11 That's a bunch of coincidences.
40:13 We both grew up in small towns
40:15 and then moved to a larger town for university.
40:17 ♪ Dun, dun, dun ♪
40:19 So yeah, she's flirting with you.
40:23 She is betraying her boyfriend
40:25 by having chats and posts with you.
40:28 And that's not good, not good.
40:31 So let me tell you something.
40:33 People who aren't closely bonded
40:38 with their mothers in general,
40:39 could be fathers too, just talk about mothers, right?
40:41 People who aren't closely bonded with their mothers,
40:44 those people cannot handle rejection.
40:49 They can't handle rejection.
40:51 And so because they can't handle rejection,
40:53 but they have this sick fascination with rejection,
40:55 they keep putting themselves in situations
40:58 where they're going to be rejected
40:59 because their unconscious is saying,
41:00 it's not that bad, commit.
41:02 If you get left or you get rejected,
41:04 you get your heart beaten up, you'll be fine.
41:07 You'll survive, like for God's sakes.
41:09 The fact that our mother didn't love us
41:11 doesn't mean we're unlovable.
41:12 You've got to throw yourself in there.
41:14 And if you get rejected,
41:16 so you keep going to these women
41:19 who are going to reject you
41:20 because your unconscious wants you
41:22 to master your fear of rejection.
41:23 So you are interested in a woman
41:29 who absolutely 100% is going to break your heart.
41:33 Absolutely 100% is going to break your heart.
41:37 She gave me her social media, I post, I talk to her online.
41:41 Oh, but she's dating someone, right?
41:45 So if she's dating someone,
41:47 why is she giving her social media
41:49 to some new guy who's interested in her?
41:51 Oh no, it's not like that.
41:54 Yes, it is.
41:55 Yes, it is.
41:57 Yes, it is.
41:59 So yeah, she's a Instagram girl,
42:02 she's a social media girl,
42:04 and she's a hypergamy girl,
42:06 and she's going to break her boyfriend's heart,
42:09 she's going to break your heart,
42:10 she's going to waste your time,
42:12 and you're going to get smashed up.
42:15 And listen, that's not the end of the world.
42:17 I had limerence with a girl,
42:20 I dated a girl, we broke up,
42:22 and just a couple of years later, by coincidence,
42:24 I found myself in the same place where we first met,
42:27 and for a while, and it was not a short amount of time,
42:29 I just desperately wanted to get back with her.
42:31 And I poured my heart into it,
42:34 and I wrote her poems, and I tried my best,
42:37 and probably wisely at the time,
42:40 she decided not to get back together with me
42:42 after a certain amount of negotiation,
42:44 and it was very sad.
42:46 It was very sad.
42:47 It was heartbreaking.
42:49 And I never feared rejection as much after that,
42:52 'cause I just, you know, when you pull your heart in,
42:55 and you really, really go for something,
42:56 and then you get rejected,
42:57 and then you survive, and you're fine over time,
42:59 I was sad at the time, and you're fine over time,
43:02 and you just don't fear rejection as much anymore.
43:07 So yeah, it's about your mother.
43:09 And yeah, you are definitely, I mean,
43:13 if you were my son, right, I would be like,
43:16 let me see your phone for a sec.
43:18 Yeah, sorry, I just formatted it.
43:20 Oh no, but no, no, this is gonna break your heart.
43:24 It's gonna break your heart.
43:26 See, here's the thing.
43:27 Women always know when you're attracted to them.
43:29 Always.
43:30 Women always know when you're attracted to them.
43:33 Especially a woman on social media,
43:34 hanging out on social media.
43:35 Maybe she's trying to gain a clout,
43:39 and listenership, or viewership, or numbers,
43:41 or likes, or thirst, or whatever, right?
43:43 But yeah, she knows you're attracted to her,
43:46 she hands you out her social media,
43:48 and she's chatting with you online.
43:50 Which means she's using you for her own ego gratification.
43:53 And yeah, she's gonna break your heart.
43:57 Yeah, she absolutely is gonna break your heart,
43:59 and maybe you need to go through that.
44:00 But in my view, in my view,
44:04 don't just sit around being attracted to women, right?
44:07 I mean, I don't think it's right
44:09 to go and try and break up somebody else's relationship.
44:12 But, I don't know, what would I say?
44:17 I mean, I've been attracted, I mean, everyone has, right?
44:19 I've been attracted to girls who are in relationships,
44:23 like, I don't know, my 20s, or teens and 20s.
44:25 You're attracted to a girl, she's in some relationship.
44:28 And the other thing, like, it's really annoying
44:29 when you know that the guy's not quality.
44:32 When you know for a fact, like,
44:34 I mean, this is kind of ridiculous on my part,
44:36 but I mean, I'll be honest with you guys.
44:39 For me, it was always like, well,
44:41 I mean, you could date someone else, but why?
44:44 Why?
44:46 I remember there was some website
44:50 that William Shatner was involved in.
44:53 He's like, but you could go somewhere else on the web,
44:55 but why?
44:55 I was like, well, yeah, you could date someone else,
44:58 but why?
44:59 I'm good looking, I'm athletic, I'm funny,
45:02 I've got a good future ahead of me,
45:03 I'm skilled, I'm a hard worker, I'm affectionate.
45:07 Like, you could date some other guy,
45:09 but why?
45:11 Why would you wanna, like, I mean, that's just crazy.
45:14 I mean, it's kind of nuts, right?
45:16 So, when you're attracted to a girl
45:19 and the guy's not that high quality,
45:22 and you know for sure it's not gonna last, right?
45:24 You just know it's not gonna last.
45:25 But she doesn't know that, right?
45:28 Once a woman knows that it's not gonna last,
45:29 it's usually a matter of a very short time
45:31 before the ax comes out, but.
45:33 So, yeah, it's tough, so I don't know.
45:37 With her, yeah, I don't like,
45:41 I mean, personally, I don't like,
45:43 'cause there's a kind of fraudulent aspect to it as well,
45:45 like working behind the scenes, you know,
45:47 the 1v1 of a girl with a boyfriend
45:49 versus the 1v20 of an attractive girl with the internet.
45:52 So, I don't like the deception or the subterfuge
45:55 or the undermining of a brother in balls
45:58 to try and do an end run around him
46:03 and get the girl or whatever.
46:05 And plus, you know, if she'll cheat on him,
46:07 she'll cheat on you too, right?
46:09 She'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you.
46:10 So, I think that's just gonna have to be a grit your teeth,
46:14 in my view, a grit your teeth and, no, no, no, no.
46:20 'Cause what happens here is the problem too,
46:21 is the opportunity cost is really important in romance.
46:24 'Cause, you know, let's say you spend six months
46:26 floating around this girl,
46:26 it's probably not gonna go anywhere.
46:28 I mean, maybe she just, you know,
46:29 she breaks up with her boyfriend
46:30 and you're the one for me and you're the best guy ever,
46:33 right, but that's not, I mean,
46:34 what are the odds of that, right?
46:35 You could win the lottery too,
46:36 but it's probably good to have some savings in the bank.
46:38 But yeah, you can spend six months now,
46:40 six months floating around this.
46:42 Your whole brain aligns around the pursuit of this woman.
46:46 And what happens then?
46:47 Well, you're gonna miss some other woman who's available,
46:50 who's interesting, who's attractive.
46:52 You're gonna miss her, right?
46:53 You are just gonna miss her.
46:57 And that's really bad.
46:59 So the opportunity costs and you're gonna,
47:02 whether you like it or not,
47:03 you're gonna get attracted or attached to this woman.
47:06 Like it's gonna happen.
47:07 You're gonna get attracted or attached to this woman.
47:10 And then you're gonna get your heart broken.
47:12 And then you're gonna spend another six months in recovery.
47:15 This is a year out of your life.
47:16 Easy, like honestly, it can go just like that.
47:19 A year in your life can just vanish like that.
47:21 And don't do it, man.
47:23 Stay available for people who are attracted to you.
47:26 Right, stay available for people who attract you.
47:29 Don't go chasing after people
47:30 who aren't that attracted to you,
47:32 who maybe, maybe, maybe.
47:33 This idea that a woman warms up over time
47:35 or there's this old thing about like this rom-com thing
47:39 of like, oh, the man that I was looking for
47:42 all of this time turned out to be right under my nose
47:44 and it's my best friend who I should be.
47:45 That doesn't happen.
47:46 That is not a thing.
47:49 That does not happen.
47:50 Or if it does happen, it's like saying
47:54 I don't need to put on any sunscreen on
47:56 'cause I'm sure there'll be a solar eclipse.
47:58 Yeah, maybe.
47:59 Actually, you probably even need more, right?
48:00 No, you don't, that's just your eyeballs, right?
48:03 So yeah, don't, if the woman's not attracted to you
48:08 and if she's just kind of playing you around
48:13 or keeping you around for ego feeding or whatever,
48:15 then she's selfish.
48:17 She's kind of narcissistic and exploiter
48:19 and you can't win her.
48:21 So a woman who's looking for ego gratification
48:23 can never pair bond.
48:25 A woman who's looking for first clicks,
48:27 a woman who's looking for likes,
48:29 a woman who's feeling good because men are attracted to her,
48:32 she can't pair bond, right?
48:34 What is pair bonding?
48:36 Pair bonding is forsaking all others.
48:38 You understand?
48:40 Pair bonding is forsaking all others, right?
48:44 I mean, obviously I get messages from time to time
48:46 from women, it's like, yeah, nice to meet you,
48:48 here's my website and that's it, right?
48:50 Pair bonding is forsaking all others.
48:52 I mean, she's kind of half flirting with you.
48:55 Oh no, no, she's just sending messages.
48:56 Oh, come on, please.
48:58 Oh God, it's like, I don't know.
49:01 Again, this is like the people who are like,
49:03 I don't know why I'm 100 pounds overweight.
49:04 I mean, I barely eat anything.
49:06 It's like, no, you don't.
49:08 I mean, don't even try, right?
49:10 Don't even try.
49:10 I had a guy, yeah, I had a guy once,
49:14 doesn't really matter the circumstances,
49:17 he was very overweight and would eat like a bird.
49:20 Actually eat birds, eat like crazy,
49:22 but he would, you know,
49:23 tiny bit of sushi for lunch or whatever, right?
49:25 But then, you know, I had to use his computer once
49:28 and booted up his browser
49:30 and the search was for like midnight binge eating.
49:32 Like, how do I stop midnight binge eating, right?
49:34 So you just see these glimpses
49:36 and that's where the reality is.
49:41 So how do I forget about this person?
49:43 You know, it's tough.
49:44 I'm sure she's very pretty.
49:45 I'm sure she's got some charisma,
49:46 that same kind of confident charisma
49:48 that comes with pretty young women
49:50 in their prime and all of that,
49:51 that sort of physical prime.
49:53 So it's just a matter of self-respect, right?
49:57 If you think you're a catch
50:00 and the other woman doesn't think you're a catch,
50:02 then she's an idiot.
50:05 That's the same thing for ladies, right?
50:08 Ladies, if you think you're a catch
50:10 and let's say you've got some reason to believe that, right?
50:12 You're a catch and the guy doesn't think you're a catch,
50:16 then he's an idiot and he's not worth you.
50:19 Like, honestly, if you take a piece of art
50:23 to a bunch of idiots, they won't bid much for it.
50:26 But if you take a great piece of art
50:28 to people knowledgeable about art,
50:30 they will bid a lot for it.
50:31 So people have to be knowledgeable about your qualities
50:34 in order to see what you have to offer.
50:36 And if you have qualities and people don't see them,
50:39 it's because they're blind to quality.
50:40 And why are they blind to quality?
50:41 Because they don't have any qualities themselves.
50:44 They can't see your value
50:46 because they have little to no value.
50:48 Like blind people can't evaluate art,
50:51 paintings and deaf people can't evaluate Bach
50:57 or Brahms or Liszt, maybe Liszt's bit with the piano.
51:00 You could feel it maybe like Beethoven did.
51:02 But you have to be quality to see quality.
51:05 And if people can't, if you are quality,
51:08 and I think you're listening to this show,
51:09 you are quality in my view and opinion, 100%.
51:12 So if you are quality and people can't see your quality,
51:14 it's because they're not quality.
51:16 And you gotta keep moving
51:18 until you find the people who see your quality.
51:23 And I mean, this is not a theoretical thing for me.
51:26 I had to spend a lot of time
51:29 with like waving around big, giant, great quality
51:32 until through the internet,
51:35 I found people who have the quality to see quality.
51:38 You know, it's kind of dispiriting.
51:40 People rejecting you all the time
51:42 or people being kind of indifferent
51:43 and you know you've created beautiful things
51:45 and people are like, "Meh."
51:46 And but you know, you know, right?
51:48 I mean, I think with my novels and stuff like that,
51:50 yeah, I've created beautiful things,
51:51 poetry and so on, plays,
51:53 created beautiful things and people are like, "Meh."
51:55 And it's like, okay, well either they're not beautiful
51:57 and I'm completely crazy for thinking that they are
51:59 or they are beautiful and people can't see it
52:01 because they have no beauty in their hearts, minds or souls.
52:04 So yeah, this woman is gonna break your heart.
52:07 She's gonna waste your time.
52:09 And some other woman who could be perfect for you
52:11 is gonna sail past and like think of a woman of quality.
52:15 A woman of quality says,
52:18 "Oh yeah, how have you been up to recently?"
52:21 And you say, if you're honest, right?
52:22 You say, "Oh, you know, I'm flirting
52:25 with another guy's girlfriend.
52:27 And I'm kind of obsessed with another guy's girlfriend
52:31 and I really wanna get her."
52:34 Right, what's a woman of quality gonna think?
52:37 You understand that by pursuing people
52:39 who don't have quality, you are diminishing
52:41 and destroying your own quality.
52:42 Because quality people will look at you
52:44 pursuing somebody of low quality and say,
52:46 "Oh, well if that's where he's at,
52:48 sorry, he's low quality and I can't date him."
52:51 So you're not running towards this woman
52:54 'cause she's a ghost, she's a fantasy,
52:56 she's a projection, she's pixels, right?
52:57 You're not running towards this woman,
52:59 you're running away from good women.
53:00 You're running away from quality women.
53:02 You won't get this woman, she's a mirage,
53:04 you'll just go off a cliff,
53:05 but you're running away from quality.
53:07 You're sacrificing quality in pursuit of an inconstant woman
53:12 who has no clue what forsaking all others
53:14 actually means in a relationship.
53:16 Who what monogamy actually means in a relationship.
53:19 Anyway, I hope that helps.
53:20 Thank you for these great, great questions.
53:22 I really, really appreciate it.
53:24 Freedomain.com/donate if you would like to help out the show.
53:27 As of always, I hugely, hugely appreciate your support
53:31 and the "Peaceful Parenting" book is coming along well.
53:33 If you would like to help out with that as well,
53:35 again, freedomain.com/donate.
53:36 Don't forget to check out the great Locals community
53:39 at freedomain.locals.com.
53:41 Lots of love, brothers and sisters.
53:43 I will talk to you soon, bye.