The Jack Benny Program -S15E28 -Smothers Brothers Show (1965)
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00:00 [music]
00:13 From Hollywood, the Jack Benny Program, with his special guest, the Smothers Brothers.
00:18 [music]
00:21 [applause]
00:24 [music]
00:35 No, no, no. That's not right.
00:37 I said it wasn't the trees.
00:38 I know you said it wasn't the trees, but then you said, "Oh no, it isn't the breeze."
00:42 Well, you said it wasn't the breeze.
00:44 Well, no, first it wasn't the breeze, it was the trees.
00:47 Oh yeah, well, if it's the trees, it can't be the breeze.
00:54 And I said, "Oh no, it isn't the breeze."
00:56 So how-- I'm awful right.
00:59 [laughter]
01:02 You are right.
01:04 But just forget everything I've told you.
01:06 Just say, "Can it be the trees that fill the breeze?"
01:11 Please?
01:12 Okay.
01:13 Can it be the-- what?
01:15 Trees.
01:16 Can it be the trees that fill the breeze?
01:20 Please?
01:21 [laughter]
01:22 That's stupid. How can it be the trees that fill the breeze?
01:25 Okay, okay.
01:26 [applause]
01:45 Of course, ladies and gentlemen, you know those are the Smothers Brothers.
01:49 [applause]
01:54 You know, the reason-- the reason I had them out here at the opening is I thought for a change,
01:59 it would be kind of nice to have someone else do my theme song instead of that orchestra of mine.
02:06 See, it's not that I have anything against my musicians,
02:09 but when the brass section blows through their instruments and those fumes fill the breeze,
02:16 [laughter]
02:18 believe me, it's a rare but not magic perfume.
02:21 [laughter]
02:27 Normally, having trouble like that at the opening of a show would upset me, but not anymore.
02:32 I feel that these things really aren't too important.
02:36 You know, I found out that the only important thing in life is your health.
02:42 Yes, sir, that's-- that's the important thing.
02:45 But fortunately, I don't get sick very often because I keep myself in real good condition, you know, physical condition.
02:52 And the way I do that is by getting plenty of exercise.
02:56 Every morning, I used to get up at 7 o'clock and turn on my TV set, see,
03:01 and do all those exercises they show you on television.
03:05 But after about eight weeks, I had to stop.
03:08 You see, I found out that those exercises were for women, and my whole shape was changing.
03:14 [laughter]
03:21 As a matter of fact, I didn't notice it myself until one day I--
03:27 well, I better save that for the Johnny Carson show.
03:31 [laughter]
03:33 And now, ladies and gentlemen, getting on with the show, I'd like to bring on my guest,
03:38 two very fine entertainers, the Smothers Brothers.
03:42 [applause]
03:50 [music]
03:57 ♪ Pull that cabbage down, boys, turn that whole cake brown ♪
04:04 [knocking]
04:06 [laughter]
04:08 ♪ Pull that cabbage down, boys, turn that whole cake brown ♪
04:11 ♪ The only song I ever did sing is "Pull that cabbage down" ♪
04:15 ♪ Pull that cabbage down, boys, turn that whole cake brown ♪
04:19 ♪ The only song I ever did sing is "Pull that cabbage down" ♪
04:22 Take it, Tom.
04:23 No.
04:24 [laughter]
04:26 I said no, I didn't want to take it.
04:28 You're supposed to take it. Aren't you a folk singer?
04:31 Yes, but I said no because I didn't want to take it.
04:33 Wait a minute, you're a folk singer. Have you read the folk singer's guidebook?
04:37 Yeah, but I didn't want to--
04:39 And what does the guidebook say?
04:41 It says all folk singers are obligated to do what?
04:47 You're obligated to take it.
04:50 [laughter]
04:51 Without hesitation? Without thinking?
04:55 Like a reflex, Tommy. Take it, Tom. Boom, boom, boom.
04:57 Yeah, right.
04:58 What does it say? Take it, hop to it.
05:01 ♪ Pull that cabbage down ♪
05:04 Take it, Tom.
05:06 Boom, boom, boom.
05:07 [laughter]
05:11 Hundreds of years ago, the railroad started in America.
05:15 Rugged men of yesteryear went out in the wilderness with vision in their eyes
05:19 and big nine-pound hammers in their hands.
05:22 Went out in the wilderness to build the great spider web of steel rails,
05:26 the transcontinental railroad to span our country
05:29 as these men went out in the wilderness and toiled
05:31 and inched their way across the vast bosom of America.
05:34 [laughter]
05:38 Thought I'd throw a little sex in the show.
05:40 [laughter]
05:45 But this wasn't just a fun job.
05:47 There was dangers in this job as they built the railroads up the mountains
05:51 and down the mountains and across the deserts and over raging rivers
05:58 and they had to span crevices, deep crevices in the ground
06:02 and in the bottom of the crevices there was pumas.
06:05 [laughter]
06:07 These were pumas with claws and foam coming out of these pumas' mouths
06:11 and the railroad men, they're going, "Woo, look at those pumas down there!
06:15 I'm not going to build any rails."
06:17 "Look across the crowd, there's pumas in that crevice!"
06:21 There were no pumas in the crevices because we don't have pumas here.
06:24 There are no pumas in America.
06:26 [laughter]
06:31 Well, maybe some came over to visit.
06:35 [laughter]
06:37 They don't visit.
06:39 Now if you want to keep your story truthful, you get rid of the pumas right now.
06:43 We're not going down that crevice.
06:45 [laughter]
06:48 There was these vicious beasts in these deep crevices
06:52 and these rail men said, "Wow, look at those vicious beasts in the crevices!
06:58 They look like pumas!"
07:01 [laughter]
07:03 But they weren't.
07:06 And they were so afraid, yet the railroads were completed.
07:10 Yet the Transcontinental Railroads were completed and a big feast was transpired
07:15 for these rugged railroad men and the sole substance for this big feast
07:19 for these railroad men, the sole substance was hot cakes boiled in cabbage juice.
07:24 [laughter]
07:27 Not so popular now.
07:29 [laughter]
07:30 They had to sing about something else.
07:32 [laughter]
07:34 ♪ Bought myself a bicycle, I learned to ride it well ♪
07:37 ♪ Crash into a telephone pole and broke it all to pieces ♪
07:41 ♪ Down the cabbage down, lowest in that old cake brown ♪
07:45 ♪ The only song I ever did sing was "Pull the Cabbage Down" ♪
07:48 ♪ Oh, working on the railroad, working all day long ♪
07:52 Take it.
07:54 [laughter]
07:57 You didn't-- Have you ever read the folk singer's manual?
08:01 It says when someone says to take it, you're supposed to take it.
08:04 It says to take it, and you didn't take it.
08:07 I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. Really, I'm sorry.
08:11 Don't get belligerent! You didn't take it!
08:14 I said I'm sorry. That's all I can say. I'm sorry.
08:18 That's okay, then. Don't make any more mistakes.
08:21 [laughter]
08:22 ♪ Working on the railroad, working all day long ♪
08:25 ♪ Take it. Working, working, working, working, working, working, working ♪
08:29 ♪ Pull the cabbage down, lowest in that old cake brown ♪
08:33 ♪ The only song I ever did sing was "Boil that Cabbage" ♪
08:36 ♪ Boil that cabbage down, lowest in that old cake brown ♪
08:40 ♪ The only song I ever did sing was "Boil that Cabbage Down" ♪
08:52 [applause]
09:03 [applause]
09:07 Hey! You know, Paula, that was very, very good.
09:10 Thank you.
09:11 You know, you boys have been quite successful the last few years.
09:15 Must make you very happy, huh?
09:17 Well, it makes us happy, but it really makes our family very happy.
09:20 Especially our little old grandmother.
09:22 Oh, your grandmother?
09:23 Yeah, we have a little old, little old, little old grandmother,
09:26 and she lives up in Barney Gulch, a little town in northern California,
09:30 and since things have been going well, nobody ever hardly knew her,
09:34 but now they refer to her as Smothers Brothers Mothers Mother.
09:38 [laughter]
09:44 No.
09:45 [laughter]
09:47 Yes, she has a mailbox this long.
09:50 Oh.
09:51 Well, Paula, tell me, tell me something about yourself.
09:54 Where did you, where did you go to school?
09:56 Well, we went to high school down here in Redondo Beach, California,
09:59 and then we both went to college.
10:01 Oh, you went to college, both of you. What did you study?
10:04 Well, I was studying business administration, and Tommy was studying medicine.
10:09 [laughter]
10:17 He looks like a puma to me.
10:19 [laughter]
10:23 Tommy, you were studying medicine?
10:25 Yeah, I was going to be a brain surgeon.
10:28 [laughter]
10:32 A brain surgeon?
10:34 Yeah, I couldn't be a puma. There's no puma.
10:38 [laughter]
10:44 You studied to be a brain surgeon?
10:46 Yeah, yeah, but I decided against it.
10:49 I mean, you know, I was 18 years old, and my mother still was cutting my meat for me.
10:54 [laughter]
10:59 Well, I can see where that might lessen your confidence.
11:03 I was pretty good with a fork, but a knife, I was lousy.
11:07 [laughter]
11:10 Well, tell me, how did you...
11:12 [laughter]
11:14 How did you kids happen to get into show business?
11:17 You know, we were watching television, a program, and there was this guy that came out,
11:21 and he just didn't do anything. He just kind of stood around, and he stared at the audience.
11:25 Tommy, Tommy.
11:26 He did too. He just went out, and he stood out there, and he kind of stared at the audience.
11:30 He didn't do anything.
11:32 Well, the way I figured, if he could go out there and stand around and do nothing,
11:35 I guess I figured we could maybe do something.
11:37 Tommy.
11:38 [laughter]
11:55 Gee, he looked a lot younger on television, didn't he?
11:57 [laughter]
11:59 He doesn't know what we're talking about.
12:01 I do too, and that was years ago.
12:05 Anyway, I'm glad I was responsible for you going into show business.
12:09 Now, I know you're going to do another number, so what's it going to be?
12:13 How does he know we're going to do another number?
12:15 [laughter]
12:17 When he pays, he knows.
12:19 [laughter]
12:20 Gee, well, he better pay us plenty, because brain surgeons don't work cheap.
12:24 [laughter]
12:26 You know, I know.
12:28 Now, just do your number.
12:30 [applause]
12:36 We'd like to do a song of a young man who just lost his sweetheart.
12:40 He's feeling very sorry for himself.
12:43 It's entitled "I Never Will Marry."
12:45 Some say that love is a gentle thing
12:52 But it only has caused me pain
12:59 For the only girl I ever did love
13:07 Gone on that midnight train
13:11 I never will marry
13:18 I'll take me no why
13:25 I expect to live single
13:30 All of my life
13:39 When I was very young, I remember there was a little girl that lived down the street from me.
13:49 And we always used to say that when we grew up, we'd be married.
13:53 And it was sort of a childish thing in a puppy love.
13:57 Yet as years went by, this puppy love grew into something very dear and very precious to me.
14:03 You know, they tell us that love is a gentle thing.
14:07 But I think each person here who has truly loved and been loved
14:13 Has shed a tear and experienced heartache.
14:18 And the girl I learned to love so very much
14:21 Broke my heart and left me for another man.
14:26 Yet I love her still.
14:28 And I swear by all the stars in the skies that as long as I live
14:32 I never will marry
14:34 Unless I can marry her.
14:38 I'll mess around a little bit though, you know.
15:01 You know, there's something about those boys that's very familiar.
15:06 They remind me of a couple of fellas I met when I was in London in 1944.
15:12 It was during the war and I was over in Europe entertaining the servicemen.
15:16 And while I was there, I also did a few shows at the London Palladium.
15:22 Well, one night, the enemy planes came over and put on one of the most devastating air raids of the entire war.
15:30 I'll never forget it.
15:32 I had finished my show at the theatre and I was walking back to my hotel.
15:37 When the sirens started to wail, the bombs dropped and the searchlights were crisscrossing the sky.
15:49 By Jove, they gave us a bit of what for tonight.
15:52 No, no, this one's even worse than the other one.
15:55 Shh, shut up.
15:56 Listen.
16:00 You hear something?
16:01 Cool 'nuff a duck.
16:03 Sounds like we've got a real live bomber out here.
16:05 Blimey, that's a big 'un.
16:08 Why don't we all go and get the bomb defusing squad?
16:12 There's a bloke under here.
16:14 I'll be hurry.
16:16 Hold on.
16:32 What are you doing there?
16:34 What am I doing?
16:36 I try to catch this for a souvenir.
16:39 What do I do?
16:42 He's an edgy one, isn't he?
16:44 He's an American, you know.
16:49 Hey, pull this off of me, will you please?
16:51 Hold it.
16:55 Can you hear it ticking?
16:58 The slightest little jolt will sell the whole thing off.
17:01 You mean...
17:02 Let me put it this way, Captain.
17:04 If you sneeze, you'll never hear the Gesundheit.
17:11 All right, clear the area.
17:14 Everybody out.
17:15 Clear the area.
17:23 Hey, clear the area.
17:25 He said everybody clear the area.
17:29 For heaven's sake, can't you see I'm trapped under here?
17:33 For heaven's sake, can't you see he's trapped under there?
17:38 Get a spider, take this thing off.
17:40 Tommy, go ahead and get started.
17:42 Not until he closes his eyes.
17:45 Why should I close my eyes?
17:47 I don't like anybody looking over my shoulder while I'm working.
17:52 If I make a little mistake, you'll go blabbing it around to everybody.
17:56 If you make a mistake, I won't tell anybody, believe me.
18:02 Not even the guy who picks up my lips.
18:09 Okay, in that case, you can watch.
18:11 No, thank you.
18:13 Now, first, we've got to locate the exact area of the mechanism.
18:17 First, we've got to locate the exact area of the mechanism.
18:20 Yeah, I heard him.
18:21 All right, Tommy, you get looking on that end.
18:23 I'll look on this end.
18:26 It's getting louder.
18:28 It's getting louder.
18:33 That sounds hollow.
18:38 It's alarming.
18:40 Shh, it's talking to me.
18:43 Hey, the bomb's talking to me.
18:45 It even knows my name.
18:46 It said Tommy.
18:48 I never knew a bomb before.
18:51 I never bought one.
18:53 Oh, yeah, it fell.
18:54 It's funny.
18:56 Now, let's get this cover off.
19:05 Look at this clock.
19:07 What a beautiful mechanism.
19:10 That's an XK-41.
19:13 That's a Swiss movement.
19:14 No, no, the XK-41 happens to be a German movement.
19:18 It's a Swiss movement.
19:19 It's a German movement.
19:20 The XK-41's German.
19:21 It's a Swiss movement.
19:22 It is not.
19:23 Who cares?
19:25 Stop talking and work.
19:28 There's always the fellas who are just lying around there that keep rushing.
19:34 Why wouldn't I rush you?
19:35 I don't even think you fellas know what you're doing.
19:38 Will you two, I just defused a bomb.
19:41 Just a little while ago, right over there.
19:49 I must have been over there.
19:53 Tommy, I thought you said you defused that bomb.
19:57 I did what I always do.
19:59 I detached the white wire from the blue wire.
20:02 It's supposed to be the green wire from the blue wire.
20:06 I thought it was the white wire.
20:08 No, no.
20:09 It's always been the green wire from the blue wire.
20:12 Just a little mistake.
20:14 I mean, everybody makes a mistake.
20:17 You know, nobody's perfect.
20:19 Gee, if everybody was perfect, if you were perfect, and if you were perfect, and I was perfect, what kind of world would this be?
20:25 This would be some world, believe me.
20:27 If I want philosophy, I should listen to Bertrand Russell or Jack Parr.
20:35 Now get back to work, will you?
20:37 Okay.
20:38 Well, according to this clock, we've got about two minutes before the bomb goes off.
20:44 So we better hurry.
20:45 Yeah, I'll get behind this cog wheel here, and I'll detach this wire right there.
20:51 Hey, Tommy, I just noticed something.
20:53 Do you know who this is?
20:55 No, who?
20:56 That's Jack Benny.
20:58 You mean the guy that's playing at the Palladium?
21:01 Yeah, it's Jack Benny.
21:03 Are you really?
21:05 Yes, yes, I'm Jack Benny.
21:10 Hey, nice to meet you.
21:11 Don't get up.
21:12 Go to the truck and get the guitar.
21:17 Guitar?
21:18 We want to get into show business, Mr. Benny, and we'd sure like to do a number for you.
21:23 But there's no time. You said yourself there's only two minutes left on the bomb.
21:27 Great. Tommy, let's do that special song we've been working on.
21:30 Yeah, that's a...
21:33 We've only got two minutes.
21:35 That's all right. The song takes a minute.
21:37 Yeah, it's kind of a funny number.
21:40 If you feel like laughing, go right ahead.
21:42 No, don't say it.
21:44 Look at boys.
21:45 What tempo?
21:46 Jimmy Crack Corn, I don't care.
21:51 Jimmy Crack Corn, I don't care.
21:53 Jimmy Crack Corn, I don't care.
21:55 That's not the way it goes.
21:56 I don't care.
21:57 How'd you like that one?
22:00 Fine, fine.
22:02 How about an encore?
22:03 Never mind the encore. We've only got a few seconds left.
22:06 You didn't get it. Let's do it again.
22:08 Bella, Bella, Bella.
22:12 Bella.
22:13 Fellas.
22:38 Fellas, I'm sorry.
22:40 If I told my producer once, I told him a thousand times.
22:44 When we do a sketch, don't use a real bomb.
22:48 Hey, Dickie, you know, I can just see it in tomorrow's headlines in the papers.
23:03 "Benny's Bomb Smothers Brothers."
23:06 Yeah.
23:08 That will be back in just a minute with the special guest, the Smothers Brothers.
23:13 Thanks, boys.
23:24 Thanks very much for being on the show.
23:26 You know, this is one of the dirtiest shows I've ever been on.
23:32 Ladies and gentlemen, well, that's the show.
23:35 Good night, folks, and I'll be seeing you soon.
23:39 Ladies and gentlemen, well, that's the show.
23:42 Good night, folks, and I'll be seeing you soon.
23:45 (APPLAUSE)
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24:49 (upbeat music)
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