Category
😹
AmusantTranscription
00:00 [music]
00:02 [music]
00:32 Yep.
00:33 Yep.
00:35 Yep.
00:37 What's with Hank?
00:41 Oh, I think he's worried about his mom.
00:44 Are you worried about your mom, Hank?
00:47 He's worried about his mom.
00:51 [sigh]
00:52 She and her friends were supposed to get here two hours ago.
00:56 Why she had to take on all this highway driving at her age just to see a museum of miniatures?
01:03 Oh, the one at Port Aransas?
01:06 Yes.
01:07 Well, maybe she stopped on the way to make herself look nice.
01:11 That's something ladies do.
01:13 I was married to one once.
01:16 [sigh]
01:24 My God, it's almost four o'clock.
01:27 Would it cheer you up if I stuffed some Fig Newtons up my nose?
01:31 [sigh]
01:32 Mom, you made it.
01:36 You know, you've still got four hours of driving before you get to Port Aransas.
01:41 I'm not sure I want you to--
01:42 Oh, honey, we stopped at the pancake house.
01:45 One thing just led to another.
01:47 Blueberry pancakes mean blueberries in the pancakes.
01:52 Not buttermilk grill cakes with blue sauce on top.
01:56 They brought you new ones.
01:57 That's not the point.
01:59 It was horrible.
02:01 This is Lillian. She's delicate.
02:03 Pleased to meet you, Lillian.
02:05 That was much too sudden.
02:08 You know, Mom, that van of yours is a lot to handle.
02:12 In many ways, it's more of a light truck.
02:16 Maybe this trip is just too much for you to take on.
02:19 Yep, I think it is.
02:20 Well, I have to drive. I'm the youngest.
02:23 Maureen's only ten years older, but she lost her license.
02:27 It was took last March.
02:29 Delia gets angry.
02:31 The doctor calls it road rage.
02:33 Oh, I'll drive. It's only been 40 years.
02:36 We are talking about a bicycle.
02:38 I don't have a choice, Peggy. I've got to drive them the rest of the way.
02:43 Hank, if you want to go visit a miniature museum, then just come out and say so.
02:48 I won't tell anyone.
02:49 I hate miniatures. I've hated them since I was a kid.
02:53 Mom only took them out when she was heading into a funk.
02:56 Like between the time I was ten and fourteen.
03:00 Enjoy your trip to the miniature museum, Hank.
03:07 Hope you can fit inside.
03:09 Yeah, man.
03:14 Talking about an old party van.
03:17 Hank inside with them little old ladies.
03:19 Having a good time with them little old ladies.
03:22 Very funny, guys.
03:24 I can't think of anything funnier than a man having to take care of his mother.
03:29 Oh, that's just hilarious.
03:32 You think your mother would find that funny, Dale?
03:35 Not the way you tell it.
03:39 (tires screeching)
03:41 Yep, the wildflowers sure are lovely this spring.
03:54 I always say there's nothing like Texas wildflowers.
03:58 You think we Arizonans don't have flowers?
04:01 I never said that.
04:03 Dilly, that boy of yours just called me a liar.
04:05 I did not.
04:06 Hank, just apologize to Delia.
04:08 But I never said...
04:10 Delia gets a little out of sorts when her blood sugar falls low.
04:14 Otherwise, she's lovely.
04:16 Here's a piece of hard candy, dear.
04:18 Mmm.
04:20 Uptown girl, you know she's living in her uptown world.
04:28 And when she's walking, she's looking so fine.
04:34 Bill?
04:35 Yeah?
04:36 You shouldn't have to be working with your hands, Peggy.
04:39 You're a lady.
04:41 (laughs) Oh, Bill.
04:43 Here, let me help.
04:45 It must be nice having a man around the house again, huh, Peggy?
04:50 Actually, Hank has only been gone an hour and a half.
04:53 I tell you, Peggy, I'd never leave you for an hour and a half.
04:57 Your shirt is very dirty.
05:00 Oh, that's not dirt. That's chili sauce inside.
05:06 What's that boy doing?
05:18 I'm just getting a traffic report.
05:20 Radio makes Lillian carsick.
05:23 You can't get carsick from a radio.
05:26 Carsick's an inner ear thing.
05:29 Turn on the radio.
05:30 I'd prefer not to risk it.
05:32 I was a nurse for 40 years. I know all about carsick.
05:37 I've never been carsick in my life.
05:40 What should I do?
05:41 The problem with you is, you never know what to do.
05:44 You just met me.
05:45 I know your kind.
05:47 Would you please turn on the radio?
05:50 (sighs)
05:51 It's 75 degrees.
05:53 All right, ladies, you can get back in.
05:58 (sighs)
06:00 Careful, Bobby. You know how your mother and I worry about you.
06:05 Uh, you know she worries about you, too, Mr. Dautry.
06:11 She does?
06:12 I guess. I don't know.
06:14 (sobs)
06:16 Look, everyone, Port Aransas.
06:19 It looks like a miniature island.
06:23 Oh, it's a shame it has to get bigger.
06:26 I want to remember it like this.
06:29 So I guess all of you are as crazy for miniatures as my mom, huh?
06:34 I wouldn't use the word "crazy."
06:36 To the miniatures!
06:38 To the miniatures!
06:41 (music)
06:57 (knocking)
06:59 Huh? What?
07:01 Oh, hurry. We're going to be late for the museum.
07:06 It's not even 5 a.m.
07:08 That kind of attitude is not going to get you ready any faster.
07:12 Okay, okay.
07:14 Uh, will you ladies just give me a few minutes to shave?
07:18 No.
07:19 (music)
07:21 Well, looks like we might have gotten here a little early.
07:25 What's the big joke?
07:27 It's not a joke.
07:28 Then it's us, isn't it?
07:30 Apparently we amuse you in some way.
07:34 I wish.
07:36 Well, that was... interesting.
07:39 Stay, watch.
07:41 Lyle Neff is one of the world's most renowned micropointillists.
07:46 Lyle Neff?
07:48 Oh, God, I haven't heard that name since I was 13.
07:53 You know, I'd always pictured him with a scrawnier mustache.
07:57 They say the sprites talk through his hands.
08:00 That's a nice-looking, uh, seal.
08:03 It is an otter!
08:05 Lyle Neff would never waste his time on seals.
08:08 Seals are trash mammals.
08:10 Everybody knows that.
08:12 Oh.
08:13 Six cucumber sandwiches, please.
08:17 Uh, I'll have the hamburger sandwich instead.
08:20 The cucumber sandwiches are delicious here.
08:24 I don't like cucumber.
08:26 (gasp)
08:27 I apologize for my son.
08:30 Come on, Mom, you don't have to apologize for me.
08:33 Apparently, I do.
08:35 Mom, it's me, Hank.
08:39 Just came to say goodnight.
08:41 Shouldn't you be in bed? It's almost 7.30.
08:47 Look at this.
08:48 Don't they look happy?
08:50 They like it here.
08:52 Mom, those are just glass.
08:55 I know that, Hank.
08:57 My point is, they're from the island, and they like being home.
09:02 Uh, you're not falling into one of those funks, are you, Mom?
09:06 'Cause I haven't seen you, uh, socialize with your miniatures since--
09:11 gosh, since you were married to Dad.
09:14 I'll help you with your dishes.
09:18 Mom?
09:20 Mom, what should I do?
09:22 Mom?
09:23 (sigh)
09:26 Oh, quiet, you.
09:30 (sigh)
09:31 Cleanin'?
09:35 How did you get in, Bill?
09:37 You gave me a key, remember? When you went on vacation.
09:40 So I could feed Lady Bird.
09:42 That was six years ago.
09:44 Uh-huh. It's probably a good thing I held on to it, too.
09:47 After all, you never know when--
09:49 I want it back.
09:51 Now.
09:52 All right. Let me help you with that trash.
09:56 Why is he hugging our trash?
09:59 As long as he does not take it into his house, we're okay.
10:04 Oh, no.
10:08 I'll have a dune, bergy, medium rare, and a beer.
10:17 At last, a few signs of civilization.
10:20 Hey, guys. How are those longhorns looking for next year?
10:24 Totally awesome, dude.
10:26 Awesome. That's what I like to hear.
10:30 Let me buy you a beer and we can talk some football.
10:33 Don't mind if we do.
10:35 (cheering)
10:37 Hey, fellas, slow down. We've got the whole bench to go over.
10:45 I tell you, this is just what I needed.
10:50 I spent the day with about 500 years of old lady.
10:56 If they could see me now having a beer and a hamburger,
11:00 that'd push them right over the edge, I tell you what.
11:03 ♪ Be gone ♪
11:05 (knocking)
11:09 Hold on to your hats, ladies. The museum will still be there at dawn.
11:19 (cheering)
11:21 No.
11:23 Hey, you kids, knock it off.
11:26 Come on, some of us are trying to sleep.
11:29 Okay, you asked for it.
11:32 You, what room are your parents in?
11:35 (coughing)
11:37 (screaming)
11:39 Oh, for goodness sake.
11:41 And none of you heard any of that last night?
11:45 No.
11:47 (crickets chirping)
11:49 I smell something unpleasant in this hallway.
11:52 It's making me rather...
11:55 (gagging)
11:57 Son, your blinker's on. Merge, merge already.
12:02 Oh, look at this crowd. That museum is going to be a madhouse.
12:08 I think it would be safest if we used a buddy system to get around.
12:15 Hank, you're making too much out of this.
12:18 Mom, that fella asked you to show him your high beams.
12:22 Now, do you even know what he meant?
12:24 Of course I do. I've been driving longer than you.
12:28 No, Mom, what he meant was...
12:31 Oh, Hank, look, a unicorn.
12:33 I have just the little nook for you. Oh, yes, I do.
12:43 Biggie! Isn't it funny we ran into each other here just by chance?
12:49 I didn't even know you shopped at this market.
12:52 It's the one closest to the house, Bill.
12:54 I think so, too. You know what I'm shopping for?
12:58 Food?
12:59 I didn't ask you, all right? I'm having a barbecue this afternoon.
13:04 See you there!
13:05 No, you will not.
13:07 Okay, then. Four o'clock.
13:10 [cheering]
13:13 [groaning]
13:18 [cheering]
13:21 [cheering]
13:34 All right, gentlemen and ladies, let's take a vote.
13:39 Warm water...
13:41 [cheering]
13:44 ♪ Give it to me, baby ♪
13:46 Or cold water.
13:49 [cheering]
13:52 ♪ Give it to me, baby ♪
13:54 Cold water it is!
13:56 [groaning]
13:58 Pock-a-doodle-doo!
14:02 [laughing]
14:04 But cold water is going to make their...
14:08 Okay, let's go. Buddy up. Delia, you hold Marine's hand.
14:12 No, we're fighting. She ate the last scone.
14:16 And it was delicious.
14:18 [groaning]
14:20 Randy! Randy! Chad! It's me, Hank!
14:23 Hey, it's that dude from last night.
14:26 [groaning]
14:30 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to let that happen.
14:33 The problem with you is you never mean to let anything happen.
14:37 It's a horrible, empty way to live.
14:41 Barbecuing?
14:44 No! Go away! This is Peggy's.
14:48 She's got no one to do her barbecuing now that Hank's left her.
14:51 Left her? He's only on a two-day trip with his mom.
14:55 And four other single women.
14:59 [horn honking]
15:02 How's my driving? I'll tell you.
15:06 Mom, write this number down.
15:08 1-800-E-A-T-S-H...
15:15 Ah, never mind.
15:18 Spring Break '99 continues with some of the hottest fans,
15:22 fads, and buns on the Port I-Color-ances.
15:26 Am I right, El Rock-a-doodle?
15:29 [groaning]
15:31 And Party '99 is only getting better
15:34 'cause Adam Sandler's gonna be performing live!
15:39 Sloppy Joe! Slop, slop, sloppy Joe!
15:44 Sloppy Joe! Sloppy, sloppy Joe!
15:47 [groaning]
15:53 There, you're packed.
15:55 We haven't seen the Glade of Elsinore at the museum.
15:58 Forget about the museum.
16:00 We've got to get off this island before they run out of beer and start rioting.
16:04 The Glade of Elsinore is crafted from real flowers.
16:08 That means the pigments fade, stupid.
16:10 I don't care. We're leaving.
16:16 Oh, you're impossible.
16:19 Give me that microphone, produce phone. Party when we don't you can really hear.
16:25 I tell you what, it'll be great when all these kids look like miniatures in a rear-view mirror, huh?
16:31 [chuckles]
16:34 When you're all back safe in your homes and planned communities, you'll thank me.
16:40 My God, Hank, stop.
16:42 Mom, I told you, I will not--
16:44 Hank, stop this band.
16:46 What is it? Are you okay?
16:48 No, I'm not. I'm not okay at all.
16:52 I've left my unicorn.
16:54 [groaning]
16:56 We have to go back for it.
16:58 Well, Miss the Fairy, I can't.
17:00 Hank, tiny glass unicorns are as hard to find as a real unicorn.
17:04 I can't leave without mine.
17:06 Now I've had enough, Mom.
17:08 Forget the damn unicorn and all these stupid little dolls from when you went weird.
17:13 Oh, Delia was right. Hank, you are impossible.
17:16 Which one of you is Delia?
17:18 She is.
17:19 I could commit you like that.
17:22 Oh, no. Stay put.
17:25 [music]
17:29 [screaming]
17:33 [music]
17:44 Now these should hold you till I get back.
17:47 I wanted milk, not cream.
17:50 Cream makes me low-key.
17:52 Live with it.
17:54 [music]
17:59 Excuse me, have you seen a nice-looking older lady, gray hair, yellow golf sweater?
18:05 Stand right there while I think about it.
18:09 What? I don't see why I need to--
18:11 [splash]
18:13 Oh, gotcha.
18:15 Hey, can't you see I'm looking for a lady?
18:18 We're all looking for ladies, dude. That's what spring break is all about.
18:22 Yeah!
18:24 Bill.
18:28 Why isn't Bobby playing?
18:30 You don't look good, Mr. Dightshave.
18:33 Have you been in a fire?
18:36 [crying]
18:38 Bill, are you okay?
18:40 I'm not okay. I'm not okay at all.
18:43 I didn't make you a barbecue just so you wouldn't show up,
18:47 and I didn't come here to not watch Bobby play ball.
18:51 Bill, please. People can hear you.
18:53 I don't care. Maybe it's time they didn't.
18:56 Coach! You! Coach! Why aren't you playing Bobby Hill?
19:01 I am responsible for that boy. You play him now!
19:04 You hear me? You!
19:06 Oh, Peggy.
19:09 I'm not angry at you.
19:11 Bill, you get your arm off me!
19:14 [thud]
19:15 Ow!
19:16 [cheering]
19:18 Oh, yeah! Come on, Cougars! Come on! Woo-woo-woo!
19:23 Mom!
19:28 Mom?
19:30 Mom!
19:34 Excuse me. I'm looking for a nice-looking older lady.
19:37 Sweater. She needed a unicorn.
19:40 Don't they all?
19:42 Was she here?
19:44 She left a few minutes ago. One unicorn richer.
19:47 Damn those stupid miniatures. They're gonna get her killed.
19:51 You don't know anything.
19:53 What?
19:54 Miniatures probably saved your mother's life.
19:56 What's that supposed to mean?
19:58 Do you know how hard it is to be a woman in this world? I do.
20:02 Women come in here all the time, and they are sad, and they are lonely,
20:06 and they are frumpy, and they tell me how my tiny,
20:09 individually handcrafted, investment-grade art is the only thing keeping them sane.
20:14 Do you understand? Does that sound like your mother?
20:16 No.
20:18 Well, maybe, when her marriage to my dad was breaking up, but...
20:23 So, uh, so this little glass crap really helped her out, huh?
20:30 Huh. I guess I owe someone an apology.
20:34 Accepted.
20:37 Huh.
20:38 Uh, Mom, about back in the car, well, uh, well, here.
20:43 What is it?
20:45 Uh, it's the Los Angeles International Airport carved in a walnut shell.
20:51 Oh, look at the detail.
20:54 Don't worry, little puppy. Someone's coming to claim you.
20:58 It's wonderful.
21:00 Yeah, it's, uh, it's a nef.
21:04 [tires screeching]
21:08 Huh. We gotta go, Mom, now.
21:11 The last ferry leaves in 15 minutes,
21:14 and the brochure recommends getting there 10 minutes in advance.
21:18 [kids cheering]
21:21 [music playing]
21:26 [music stops]
21:28 [music playing]
21:32 [sighs]
21:34 Maureen! Maureen!
21:37 [music playing]
21:39 [dog barking]
21:42 [music playing]
21:51 [gasps]
21:52 [gasps]
21:55 It takes two minutes to develop.
22:00 Hey.
22:02 They passed her over the crowd like a beach ball.
22:06 Aw, hell.
22:09 [music playing]
22:12 Get 'em, Roxy-Tail! Get 'em!
22:14 Invasion!
22:19 Hey, Maggie.
22:20 [dog barking]
22:24 Hey!
22:29 Hey! Those are prescription, dang it!
22:32 Give 'em that!
22:33 Get them!
22:35 Get your--
22:37 Now out, man.
22:39 Get off of me!
22:40 [crowd cheering]
22:43 [music playing]
22:48 [crowd cheering]
22:51 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
22:55 [crowd cheering]
22:58 [crowd cheering]
23:01 [crowd cheering]
23:06 [music playing]
23:11 Oh, no.
23:12 Don't worry. We're gonna make it.
23:16 [crowd cheering]
23:19 Oh, God.
23:22 Everybody stay calm.
23:24 We just experienced severe tire damage.
23:27 You said you'd get us out of here.
23:29 Tilly, your boy is all talk.
23:32 I hate you.
23:34 Hank, get us out of here.
23:36 But we're down to the rims.
23:38 If we drive on 'em, they may never be true again.
23:41 Stop it, Joe. Stop, stop, stop it, Joe.
23:45 It's him.
23:47 Hang on to your naps.
23:49 [music playing]
24:05 Look, everyone.
24:07 Port Aransas.
24:09 Oh, I can't wait to get there.
24:13 [music playing]
24:19 Who's ready?
24:27 Lay it on me.
24:28 I probably could use a beer.
24:31 Bill?
24:32 Thank you.
24:33 Boomhower?
24:34 No, thank you, man.
24:37 Bill?
24:39 [grunts]
24:41 Oh, sorry about that.
24:43 And, uh, thanks for looking after Peggy for me, Bill.
24:48 Ow!
24:49 It won't happen again, Hank.
24:52 Yep.
24:54 I know your kind.