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00:30Kissing?
00:40Yeah. Cowboys?
00:42Yeah. Cowboys kissing?
00:45That's what I said. Two kissing cowboys.
00:47Are you sure?
00:48Sure I rewound it.
00:50Oh, I'd never seen anything like that.
00:52What's it called, Stan?
00:54Something mountain.
00:55Break your back mountain, that's it.
00:57I didn't know you were into that sort of thing, Dan.
01:00I'm not into that sort of thing, Jaxie.
01:02But you have the video.
01:03I got it in the western section of the satire.
01:05Are you sure?
01:07Certainly.
01:08God, there's something you want to tell us now, then.
01:10Nothing, you eejit, you.
01:13Why were they kissing?
01:15Sure, it's obvious.
01:17Or isn't it?
01:18It is obvious.
01:20Sure, the two of them are...
01:23Them fellas.
01:24But, but, but they're cowboys.
01:27Yeah.
01:28Cowboy, them fellas.
01:30Yeah.
01:31But cowboys can't be them fellas.
01:34Can they?
01:38Can they?
01:39Do what in this film?
01:41I know, maybe one of them got bitten by a snake.
01:44In the mouth.
01:45And then the other lad says he'll suck the poison out of them.
01:48They were kissing.
01:49Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
01:58What about them?
01:59They were a couple of them fellas.
02:01Fuck off.
02:03They were always hanging out together.
02:04They were in a gang.
02:06Dan.
02:06Well, Sundance Kid might have been.
02:09But Butch Cassidy rode that girl.
02:11Around in the bay.
02:12Remember?
02:13Oh, that's true.
02:15John Wayne.
02:16Was he one of them fellas?
02:18The hell he was.
02:19I suppose he could have been.
02:25His first name was Marion.
02:27A fella with a name like Marion now.
02:29He could be Aisley, one of them fellas.
02:31The Lone Ranger.
02:32Definitely.
02:34Doodly hiding.
02:35Doodly hiding.
02:36Doodly hiding.
02:36Doodly go.
02:39How are you, father?
02:40Ha.
02:41The very man.
02:41I'm glad I caught you.
02:42Listen.
02:43How was your aunt?
02:44Grandfather.
02:45No, no, no.
02:45Not your grandfather.
02:46Your aunt.
02:47Me aunt?
02:48Yeah.
02:48She's a grandfather.
02:49Back on the feet?
02:50By God she is, yeah.
02:51Oh, that's great.
02:52Great news.
02:52Thanks be to God.
02:54Couldn't stop her with the Denson anyway, father.
02:55Sorry?
02:56Couldn't stop her with the Denson.
02:57She's a great woman for the Denson.
02:59Oh, isn't that Cass?
02:59I never knew that.
03:00Oh, that's right, yeah.
03:01She used to do a little bit of dancing on this leg, father.
03:03And another little bit of dancing on that leg, father.
03:06And between the two of them, she scrapped a living.
03:09Honey, can't you?
03:16God bless the work.
03:17And yourself, father?
03:18How are you, father?
03:20Father.
03:20I'll get something, father.
03:22No, I'm grand thanks, Jack.
03:23See, I have a little bit of bad news, I'm afraid.
03:25Oh, if it's about the Lone Ranger, we already know.
03:29What's your bad news, fellow?
03:30Eh, I've noticed a leak.
03:33That happened to an uncle of mine.
03:34Really?
03:35It's a very common condition.
03:37The waterworks can be the first things to go, father.
03:39Ah, no, no, no.
03:40I've noticed a leak in the roof.
03:42In the hall.
03:43Oh, is that right?
03:44Is it a big one?
03:45It's big enough.
03:46And when did you notice that, father?
03:48Last night.
03:49How?
03:49Well, uh...
03:52All the trees, a Sherwood forest.
03:59Two fat ladies.
04:06Come in, ladies.
04:09Grab a seat.
04:10Willie Powers IQ, number eight.
04:19Unlucky for some, 13.
04:23Help me!
04:26I'm intellectual.
04:27Did he say 36?
04:32I don't think so.
04:35I think he did.
04:36He did not say 36.
04:39He did so.
04:41He did not.
04:42Lucky for some, 69.
04:51House!
04:55Was there much damage done, father?
04:56Well, he's very shook.
04:59Some of his hair are singed.
05:00Not Larry, father, in the hall.
05:02Oh, well, there's quite a hole in the roof.
05:04And it's not the only one now.
05:06This has been going on for some time.
05:08I was wondering, Dan,
05:09would you have a look at it for me, please,
05:11like a good man?
05:11Well, I'm fairly run off my feet at the moment, father.
05:16His feet haven't touched the ground all day, father.
05:19Right.
05:20Well, when you get a chance, you'll have a look.
05:22OK, thanks, lads.
05:24Right.
05:24That's sorted.
05:28Yoo-hoo!
05:30How have you got ready?
05:32God, that's all right, Joe.
05:34Is it difficult to stay up?
05:36Have I no complaints, you?
05:38I wouldn't know, to get ready.
05:40You never lost it.
05:41Ha!
05:41Ha!
05:41Ha!
05:42Ha!
05:42Ha!
05:42Ha!
05:42Ha!
05:43Ha!
05:43Ha!
05:44Ha!
05:44Ha!
05:45Ha!
05:45Ha!
05:46Ha!
05:46Ha!
05:47Ha!
05:47Ha!
05:48Well?
05:48Oh, it's bad.
05:49Oh, it's bad.
05:50Very bad.
05:51Oh, it's a dead trap, sir.
05:52All the way.
05:53Who's, Dick?
05:53Dick?
05:54Dick.
05:54Well?
05:55What's the verdict?
05:55Ah, it's a dead trap, Dick.
05:57Dick.
05:57Really?
05:58It's like this, Dick.
05:59If this hall was a man, we'd be sending for Father Philip to administer the last rites.
06:03Are you serious?
06:03Yeah, do you see that there?
06:05What?
06:06There, the belly, the bulge, the buckle of it.
06:09Where?
06:10There.
06:11I can't see anything.
06:13There, the belly, the buckle, the bulge.
06:16Ah, yeah, there's a bit of a dip there, I think.
06:20What is it?
06:21It's full of water, Dick.
06:22Are you serious?
06:23Yeah, it's been coming in there for months unbeknownst to us.
06:26It's trapped above.
06:27Trapped?
06:28Yeah.
06:29There's so much water up there, Dick.
06:31It wouldn't surprise me if you found Esther Willems up there.
06:33Is it that bad?
06:34Our flipper.
06:35How can a dolphin get into the attic?
06:37Well, how would Esther Williams get into the attic?
06:39Like anybody else, with a ladder.
06:41She's 84.
06:42Or maybe a stair lift.
06:44There isn't a stairs.
06:46I never know it was that bad.
06:48She's 84, Dick, if she's a day.
06:50Oh, she's bad all right, Dick.
06:51I meant the roof.
06:53Oh.
06:55Well, there's a drip up there, Dick, and it has to be stopped before it gets any worse.
06:58It's a death trap, Dick.
07:04Which will be further away, Roscommon or the sun?
07:09What?
07:10Which is further away?
07:12Further away from what?
07:14Yes.
07:15Which is further away, Roscommon or the sun?
07:18Why?
07:19Why not?
07:20It's only a question.
07:21Which is further away, Roscommon or the sun?
07:24Are you heading away somewhere, PJ?
07:27To be more in your mind, to do will be to work at the clubhouse before you head away.
07:31The place is a bloody death trap below.
07:33I'm not bloody going anywhere.
07:35I'm only asking a simple bloody question.
07:37Which is further away?
07:38What common are the bloody suns?
07:41Hello?
07:43Can you see what's common from here, eh?
07:45No.
07:50A death trap.
07:52A death trap.
07:53Look, I myself surveyed the hall in my personal capacity as myself and also as a public representative.
08:00And at the end of the day, the only conclusions that could be drawn after consultation with the relevant parties...
08:06A death trap!
08:08A death trap.
08:09That's what I said to you.
08:10If this place is a death trap, what in the name of God are we doing sitting here?
08:17Oh, there's a hand up at the back there.
08:19It's Larry...
08:20Cummins, father.
08:22Larry Cummins.
08:24I was thinking...
08:26The chair recognises Larry Cummins.
08:28I was thinking, has anybody here seen the movie Witness?
08:35You'll need a witness if I come down to you, Larry.
08:38Witness, colour 1985, 112 minutes, directed by Peter Weill.
08:46Harrison Ford plays a hard-nosed cop, John Bach, who goes undercover after a young Amish boy Witnesses a Brutal Mulder.
08:52Good man there, Dan!
08:54That's the one!
08:56What about it, Larry?
08:58Well, there's a scene in it where the whole community come together to build a barn.
09:11A barn.
09:13A barn.
09:14A barn.
09:15A corrugated iron barn.
09:17No.
09:18Not a corrugated iron barn.
09:21Lego.
09:22No, not Lego.
09:24Concrete.
09:25Concrete?
09:26Yeah.
09:27A concrete barn is a better-built barn.
09:30Yeah.
09:31I mean, no.
09:32I mean, no.
09:33I mean, in the film, it was wood.
09:35Wood?
09:36Like the Three Little Pigs?
09:38Yeah.
09:39No.
09:40That's not good.
09:41It's not the shagging Three Little Pigs the Armadence.
09:44It was!
09:45They weren't in witness!
09:47What are you talking about?
09:50Ah! Forget it!
09:53Look, all I'm bloody saying is, if we come together, we can accomplish great things. Right?
10:00As a what?
10:02As a community.
10:07Wake up, Larry. Wake up, will you?
10:09We're not trying to build a band, we're trying to fix a hole in the roof.
10:12Yeah, hold on. You might have something there, Harry.
10:14Larry-father.
10:16Larry. I mean, when you think about it, right, it's called a community.
10:20And we are sort of a community, eh?
10:23What do you think, Harry? Larry? Willie? Willie?
10:25I think it's typical of Larry Cummings to come in here on election year
10:29and try and make a political football out of a hole in the roof.
10:32Now, then, Timmy and Jimmy said they're going to fix it.
10:34Satan's preserve us.
10:36And what better example of community is that, fella?
10:39More like care in the community, if you ask me.
10:44Well, it's all very well, Willie, but how are we going to pay for it?
10:47Well, if there's money out there to be got, I'm the man to get it.
10:50Good man, Willie!
10:52I have question. I have question.
10:54What, Dieter?
10:56Are there any grants available for fixing roofs, Willie?
11:00Not exactly, Dieter.
11:02The last EEC grant available in the fiscal year is for a lifeboat.
11:06A lifeboat, Willie!
11:08A lifeboat? Yeah, a lifeboat.
11:10Butcher, we must be 70 miles from the sea here.
11:1373, father.
11:15Exactly.
11:17Now, we have the money for the lifeboat got,
11:19but we're going to fix the hole in the roof instead.
11:25Willie, I'm not sure that I'm actually comfortable with that.
11:28Well, father, you'll be even less comfortable
11:30when the roof falls in the Tuesday night on top of the brownies.
11:34And better news than that,
11:36the Bally crowd were going for the exact same grant,
11:38but unfortunately their application got lost in the pudding.
11:40All right!
11:41All right!
11:42All right!
11:43All right!
11:44All right!
11:45Councillor Power.
11:46The chair recognises Mrs. Gilhooly.
11:49I am not, as you well know, Mr. Power,
11:53in the habit of repeating myself.
11:55But if this place is a death trap,
11:58what in the name of God are we all doing sitting here?
12:02The danger, Mrs. Gilhooly, is confined to only one area.
12:06And where?
12:07Pray tell might that be.
12:11Oof.
12:16There.
12:17There.
12:34So, Sergeant, is it being a robbery?
12:38As a matter of fact, there isn't going to be a life board.
12:40No.
12:41No.
12:42Willie got the money for the life board.
12:44But fair play to me, but it's a better use getting the roof fixed.
12:47That's nice.
12:48And they gave us a radio and money for uniforms.
12:51Ooh!
12:52I like men in uniform.
12:53All right, that's a fun.
12:56And they're giving us wages for a crew,
12:58which is fine by me.
12:59Even though we don't have a life board
13:00and we're 70 miles from the sea.
13:0273, Sergeant.
13:04Good luck already.
13:06Okay, girls.
13:07One and two.
13:09One and two.
13:10Lift them up.
13:11Lift them up.
13:13You go first, Jimmy.
13:15Well, killing a scurry life boat.
13:17We may have been drinking,
13:19but call us if you're sinking.
13:23Now, that is good.
13:26Jimmy.
13:27Killing a scurry life boat.
13:29We all live in a yellow submarine.
13:34Yellow submarine, you loser.
13:36So we don't even have a submarine.
13:38Yeah, well, we don't have a life boat either.
13:41Need a point, dear.
13:43Dan.
13:44What?
13:45A motto for a life boat service.
13:51Ad marie uske ad marie.
13:54Marie who?
13:55Ad marie uske ad marie.
13:57Sounds serious.
13:58I was never good at the Irish.
13:59What does it mean?
14:00From sea to sea.
14:02I know.
14:03That's good.
14:04Except there were 70 miles from the sea here.
14:0673.
14:07Ha.
14:08Deezer.
14:09Nixer.
14:10Solarum.
14:11Tupper awesome.
14:16Strange as buds.
14:21Mayday.
14:22Mayday.
14:23Mayday.
14:24Mayday.
14:25Mayday.
14:26Is anyone receiving?
14:27Alma.
14:28Mayday.
14:29That was months ago.
14:30Mayday, we are sinking.
14:31We are sinking.
14:32Over.
14:33Deetlay.
14:37Hello?
14:40Mayday, we are sinking.
14:41Sinking.
14:42What are you sinking about?
14:50Take your time now, Brady.
14:51I will, Sergeant.
14:53It would be terrible to make a mistake.
14:55Civil court, indeed.
14:58Now that I think of it, Sergeant, I don't think he was wearing a shirt.
15:04Right, lads. I'll put the shorts.
15:10We have a problem, Dick.
15:11I hope this is legitimate police business.
15:14I need a boat.
15:15A boat?
15:16Look, the minister's wife was on to me last night.
15:19Oh, good man, Willie. The power to get things done, huh?
15:22On the phone!
15:24What?
15:25I couldn't interest you in these, could I?
15:27They're all the rage, apparently. You can eat them.
15:30Look, Dick, this is serious.
15:31And so is this. I've eight boxes of them.
15:33We've an inspector coming.
15:35What class of an inspector?
15:36From Brussels.
15:37And what does he want?
15:39It's a she, and she wants a feckin' boat.
15:41What does she want for a boat? We must be 70 miles from the sea.
15:4573?
15:46That's not the point. If we don't have a boat, we're sunk.
15:50The search and rescue lads, they used to have a dinghy.
15:53What happened there?
15:54They can't find it.
15:56Look, I need a boat. A lifeboat. And I need it now.
16:00I'll see what I can do.
16:02Good.
16:05Any luck there, Bridie?
16:07No, Sergeant. It was very dark.
16:09Yeah, it is often like that.
16:11All right, lads. You can go.
16:17How much do I owe you, Dick?
16:1930 euro, Bridie.
16:21How about next week?
16:23About Thursday at 11.
16:26Fine.
16:28A dead trap?
16:29Yes.
16:30That clubhouse roof is ready to collapse at any minute.
16:38Can we get a grant?
16:39Oh, we applied for a grant.
16:41For a lifeboat.
16:43It's a long story.
16:44Anyway, it totens out that the kinder scully boys got our money.
16:49Bastards.
16:50Bastards.
16:51There's only one thing for it.
16:52What?
16:53We're going to kill the scully.
16:55Right!
16:56Calm it down, lads.
16:58Calm it down.
16:59Calm it down.
17:00Calm it down.
17:01We'll have to call this meeting to order.
17:02Now, my fellow killer scullians,
17:04Dan and the boys might have fixed the roof,
17:06but our little village is facing its biggest crisis
17:09since that septic tank rupture during the Tidy Town Festival of 1974.
17:13When is the inspector due, Willie?
17:15First thing tomorrow morning.
17:17Are we all done below?
17:19Ah, yeah.
17:20Right, let's sort out the money.
17:21Right, there's 80 euro between us.
17:23That's 20 euro for me.
17:2520 euro for you.
17:2720 euro for you.
17:28And 20 euro for me.
17:30Fair enough.
17:31Dan.
17:32Well, if it isn't the Three Stooges.
17:43Come on, lads.
17:44Settle down, lads.
17:45Come on.
17:46Settle down now.
17:47Come on.
17:48Try to take this seriously.
17:49Willie, listen.
17:50Couldn't we just confess?
17:51Confess?
17:52Yeah.
17:53Tell the inspector we're sorry.
17:55Or couldn't we just say that it was lost out at sea,
18:00searching for a wreck.
18:02A shipwreck.
18:03Like, erm, the Titanic.
18:05Aye, lads.
18:06Come on.
18:07Take it serious now, lads.
18:08I've got to say.
18:09Listen, listen.
18:10We'll just explain what we did with the money
18:13and then we'll show them the new roof.
18:15Are you done soft in the head, fella?
18:17Honestly, it's the best policy.
18:18Yeah.
18:19Says who?
18:20Well, the man upstairs, obviously.
18:22Don't mind, Jacksy.
18:23Look.
18:24We need a boat in the next 24 hours
18:27and it's a watery grey, frozen, killing a scully.
18:33Quick, it's the Bally Boys.
18:41Oh, no.
18:42It is the Bally Boys.
18:43Matt?
18:44Dad.
18:45This town ain't big enough for the two of us.
19:02Six of us.
19:03Six of us.
19:04We don't want no trouble.
19:06What do ye want?
19:08Our money.
19:09What money?
19:10The lifeboat grant money.
19:13What do ye Bally Boys want for the lifeboat?
19:15Ye must be 80 miles from the sea.
19:17Eighty-three.
19:18It's our money.
19:19We applied before ye, but our application got lost in the post.
19:23What a shocker.
19:25Yeah.
19:26And Willie Powers never works in the post office.
19:29Really?
19:30Yeah.
19:31You'll be familiar, father, with the story of Noah.
19:37Who?
19:38Noah.
19:39Can't say that I am, actually, Miss Gilhooly.
19:42It's a really big parish, you know.
19:43I haven't got around to all the houses yet.
19:45Noah, father.
19:46You'll find him in Genesis.
19:48Oh, right.
19:49Of course, yeah, with Phil Collins.
19:51In the Bible, father.
19:53He built the ark.
19:54Right.
19:55Heard of that.
19:57We wanted that money to put our roof on our clubhouse.
20:04Ye took our money.
20:05We'll take your slates.
20:07You can huff and you can puff, but you won't get our roof.
20:11Come on, Saul Letty.
20:12Come on.
20:13Come on.
20:14Come on.
20:15Come on.
20:16Come on.
20:17The last time we were in the hall, Mr Power, there was a deluge.
20:33Now we need a boat.
20:34What are you on about?
20:35God wants us to build an ark.
20:38She might have a point there, will he?
20:40The Bella boys are in town.
20:41I think there's going to be trouble.
20:43Oh, no.
20:44Dad.
20:45Dad.
20:46Stay back, father.
20:47Sometimes a man's got to do what a man's got to do.
20:48I think I might do it in my pants.
20:49You looter.
20:50Hey, lads.
20:51Come on.
20:52There's no need for this.
20:53You don't have to trailer, father.
20:54You ain't what you said.
20:55Come on.
20:56Come on.
20:57Come on.
20:58Come on.
20:59Come on.
21:00Come on.
21:01Come on.
21:02Come on.
21:03Come on.
21:04Come on.
21:05Come on.
21:06Come on.
21:07Come on.
21:08Come on.
21:09Come on.
21:10Come on.
21:11Come on.
21:12Come on.
21:13Come on.
21:14Come on.
21:15Come on.
21:16Come on.
21:17Come on.
21:18Come on.
21:19Come on.
21:20Come on.
21:21Come on.
21:22Come on.
21:23Come on.
21:24Come on.
21:25Come on.
21:26Come on.
21:27I was like this, boys.
21:29I'm the law around here.
21:31Not to mention a bookmaker and a supplier of electrical goods.
21:34But most importantly, I make the law around here.
21:38And what I say goes.
21:40Now I suggest you three boys get back to loading your wagon.
21:45And you three.
21:47Saddle up and head for Bally while I'm still in a generous mood.
21:52The sheriff has strapped on his guns.
21:57But he doesn't want to use them.
21:59Comprende?
22:00Right, Sergeant.
22:01Right, Sergeant.
22:02Yes, Sergeant.
22:03Yes, Sergeant.
22:04Yes.
22:05Can I entrance you in some puncture repair kits?
22:20Bye, Nick.
22:21Bye, Nick.
22:22Bye, Nick.
22:23Go on now with that.
22:24Give me all that, you chances.
22:25Ha, ha.
22:26Woo!
22:27Ha, ha, ha, ha.
22:28Bye, lads.
22:29Come on.
22:30Go, Nick.
22:31Get off.
22:32Get off.
22:33Get off.
22:34Willie.
22:35Matt, boys.
22:36We had our eye on that, Grant.
22:37And you did this out of it.
22:38Business is business, Matt.
22:39But you can still get your hands on some of it.
22:40How?
22:41I've half it here in my pocket.
22:42Really, how?
22:43The power to do everybody, huh?
22:44Ha, ha, ha.
22:45I normally don't have any truck with the Ballybys.
22:46But I need a boat.
22:47I need a lifeboat.
22:48And I need it by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning.
22:49I think we could knock something out of it.
22:50I need a boat.
22:51I need a lifeboat.
22:52And I need it by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning.
22:54I think we could knock something out of it.
22:55Yeah.
22:56Yeah.
22:57Yeah.
22:58Yeah.
22:59Yeah.
23:00Yeah.
23:01Yeah.
23:02Yeah.
23:03Yeah.
23:04Yeah.
23:05Yeah.
23:06Yeah.
23:07Yeah.
23:08Yeah.
23:09Yeah.
23:10I think we could knock something together.
23:1210 o'clock, mind.
23:13You want a receipt for that, Willie?
23:15Ha, ha, ha, ha.
23:16Good luck, Willie.
23:17Yeah, Willie.
23:26On behalf of meself, personally, as a public representative, and also on behalf of the people
23:31that killed in Scully, I'd like to welcome Frauberger, our EEC inspector on maritime facilities.
23:38I'm very anxious to inspect your lifeboat.
23:40We believe that EEC and Kilnes Gully are inexplicably linked, although we are an island
23:48nation, we're every bit as incontinent as the Dutch, the Belgians, or the Swiss.
23:53I'm very anxious to inspect the lifeboat and see the use to which you are putting it to.
23:58Especially when our satellite photographs show us that Kilnes Gully is 70 miles from the
24:04sea.
24:0573!
24:06When can I see the lifeboat?
24:08Er, we'll expect it any minute now.
24:11Here?
24:12No, outside.
24:13They're here.
24:14They're here.
24:15Lovely.
24:33Thanks to the EEC, I give you the Kilnes Gully lifeboat.
24:36Excuse me.
24:37I can explain everything.
24:38Can't you?
24:39Excuse me.
24:40I can explain everything.
24:41Can't you?