After starting testosterone ten years ago, Danny, a trans man, wasn't sure how he'd feel about having his own children — or even whether he physically could. Then, he unexpectedly got pregnant with Wilder...
Brut filmmaker Jessey Dearing followed Danny on his parenting journey.
Brut filmmaker Jessey Dearing followed Danny on his parenting journey.
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00:00It's my baby's heartbeat.
00:06I wondered as I became more at home with my masculine body if that would shift my desire
00:14to carry my own child, but it didn't.
00:19It just made me want to have a baby even more.
00:30Currently there is no data about how many transgender people give birth in the U.S.
00:34each year.
00:35For Brut, I'm taking him to meet with Danny Wakefield, a transmasculine single father
00:39who gave birth to his baby Wilder eight months ago.
00:42Though he won't go into details about how exactly he conceived, Danny says giving birth
00:46to Wilder changed his life for the better.
01:02This is Wilder.
01:03This is my miracle baby.
01:06Can you stand on Papa's tummy?
01:09Jump around.
01:10Jump, jump.
01:11Jump around.
01:12Jump around.
01:13So there's a few myths that I learned when I first transitioned.
01:18One of those was that testosterone possibly makes you infertile, and that, too, you couldn't
01:25get pregnant well on testosterone, and both of those are false.
01:28I wasn't planning on having a baby.
01:30I mean, I've always planned on having a baby, but I wasn't actively trying in the moment
01:34that I had Wilder.
01:35Actually, I haven't shared parts of that story yet, because parts of that story are for Wilder
01:41to share, but when I found out I was pregnant, there was definitely some shock, and like,
01:49okay, how am I going to do this?
01:52We're doing this, but also like, yes, we're finally doing this, and there was just no
02:00looking back.
02:02One and baby burrito.
02:10My baby can crawl now, y'all.
02:11Holy cow.
02:13Wilder went from like not crawling to like speed crawling across every room.
02:19Like, no joke.
02:20I turn around, and like two seconds later, I'm like, where is, oh, standing up against
02:24the couch.
02:25There's Wilder.
02:26Literally, like, I've entered a whole new level of parenting.
02:30Oh.
02:31Hi.
02:32Someone called it a circus.
02:33I call it a show.
02:36Nothing makes sense anymore now that my baby is crawling.
02:41I thought life was hard before.
02:44A death, a death, a death, a death.
02:51Prior to having Wilder, I was in a really dark place.
02:56That was me for homecoming my freshman year of high school.
02:58You can see how awkward I felt.
03:01What's it like looking back on that?
03:04I'm like, how did I not know?
03:07I didn't realize until the age of 25.
03:08I'm like, oh, I didn't know because I didn't have experiences around me to help me vocalize
03:14and know that there were things that I could do to help me feel more at home in my body.
03:18Yeah.
03:19Some of the awkwardness is just like classic teenage awkwardness?
03:24I think it could be, but I think that you don't get to be a classic teenager, right?
03:32An average teenager when you're trying to show up in the world as somebody who you're
03:36not.
03:37That takes up, for me at least, all of my capacity.
03:40Even though I wasn't aware that that's how I wanted to show up, I knew that I wasn't
03:46in the right shell.
03:47I just didn't know what that meant, so.
03:52Are you hungry?
03:56Do you want some milk?
03:57Yeah?
03:58Do you want some milk?
03:59Oh, yeah.
04:00Okay, let's get you some milk.
04:01Okay.
04:03Come here.
04:10So Wilder eats all donor milk.
04:12It's 100% donor milk and has since birth, huh?
04:22So nine years ago, I had a double mastectomy.
04:25I had top surgery.
04:28I wanted to be able to give Wilder milk just as I would have from my own body, but I wasn't
04:33able to.
04:35I produced a few droplets.
04:37Milk.
04:38I'm producing milk.
04:40And I knew that that was going to be the case just because of the type of surgery that I
04:45had.
04:46Ooh, I want to find all the AMs and the daytime milks.
04:51Not the PMs, Wilder.
04:52Okay, let's get these to hot.
04:53Ooh.
04:54Wilder, you're eating, holy cow.
05:04Wilder was drinking about 40 ounces a day, and now it's close to around 48 ounces, which
05:09doesn't sound like a lot.
05:15But it is.
05:16It adds up.
05:17Huh.
05:18I'm so tired.
05:19Wilder didn't sleep very well last night, did you?
05:24Sweetie?
05:33We'll sleep eventually.
05:39Oh my gosh.
05:44What's it been like?
05:45That single hair right here?
05:49I mean, it's exhausting, but it's also really scary.
06:13Hi, buddy.
06:14Hi.
06:15Hey, should we see where the piggies are?
06:21Hi, Wanda.
06:22I miss you.
06:23Hi, Kaz.
06:24Do you love your little piggies?
06:28We just need one more, don't we?
06:29We need the three little piggies.
06:31Yeah.
06:32Pat, pat, pat.
06:33You do it.
06:34Pat, pat, pat.
06:35Yeah.
06:36I've been struggling with postpartum depression and living alone in the woods, having these
06:43like thoughts of like, well, what happens if I faint again and just like knock myself
06:48out and I'm unconscious?
06:50And what if I don't wake up?
06:53How long will it be until somebody hears Wilder or finds Wilder?
06:58I'm having a really rough week emotionally.
07:00My postpartum depression and anxiety is really high this week.
07:03You ever have those days where you just want to stay in bed and cry, but then you're like,
07:07oh yeah, I'm a parent.
07:09I don't get to.
07:10I don't get to.
07:11I'm a single parent, right?
07:12I just need more support.
07:15I ended up stopping testosterone about two months before I conceived Wilder because I
07:20was in a really bad place.
07:22And when I'm in a rough place, then I tend to stop taking care of myself.
07:26And one of the first things to go is my testosterone.
07:31I tried to go back on it when Wilder was, I think, four months old and I was on it for
07:38a month and it was really hard.
07:40My depression increased.
07:42My anxiety increased.
07:44Are you mad?
07:45My patience decreased.
07:49I didn't like how I was starting to parent.
07:51I was much more agitated.
07:53And when I'm doing this alone and waking up with an infant throughout the night, like
07:57I don't want to wake up agitated to an infant.
08:02And so I was in this position where I was like, do I want to feel comfortable in my
08:06body and take this testosterone, feeling terrible mentally and emotionally, or do I
08:13want to stop the testosterone and become, feel more stable mentally and emotionally
08:20and feel terrible in my body again?
08:22So I stopped and it's felt a little bit better.
08:25And I hope to go back on, but yeah, I'm not going to rush it.
08:29I'm just going to get through today and then tomorrow we'll get through tomorrow.
08:34And if tomorrow involves me starting up my testosterone again, then great.
08:38I'm going to be ready for it.
08:39And if not, then I'll get there eventually.
08:42Okay, you ready, Freddie?
08:47Da, da, da, da, da, da.
08:50Da, da.
08:52Sing it.
08:56That's a cute new babble.
08:58Hey, hey, hey.
09:02Oh, you've got your, you've got your teaser.
09:06No.
09:07I can't just, I can't listen to that cry.
09:10There's something chemical, like there's something literally inside of me that...
09:16We're going to pull over, sweetheart, okay?
09:19I got you.
09:21Okay, here we go.
09:23Turn around.
09:25Hey.
09:27Papa got you.
09:28I got you.
09:29I know, I hear you are so sad.
09:31It makes Papa sad when you're so sad.
09:34I know, but I got you.
09:38When I'm having hard days and I'm walking around and I'm saying,
09:43I can't do this, I can't do this,
09:46I'll look and I'll notice that my baby is watching and listening to me.
09:51And be like, it's okay to say I can't do this out loud,
09:55but it's also okay to say that I can do this, right?
10:08Okay.
10:10Wilder came at the most unexpected time
10:13and turned my life around in the moment that I needed it turned around the most.
10:18Taught me how to love myself in ways that I had been searching for for my whole life.
10:22Ways that are allowing me to save my own life, right?
10:31Houston, we have a sleeping baby.
10:39For as dark as my life was before,
10:44For as dark as my life was before Wilder came along,
10:48that's how bright it is now.