TRANS DAD, Danny, had always dreamt of being a parent - and nine years into their transition, that dream unexpectedly came true. Out of one of the lowest points in Danny's life, as they were struggling with addiction, came their "greatest blessing" - their now 3-year-old child, Wilder. Danny was "born female" and raised as such - surrounded by "makeup boxes and jewellery and high heels." When Wilder was born, Danny made it their mission to practise "gender creative parenting" - referring to Wilder using gender neutral pronouns and giving them access to a range of toys, clothes and experiences that do not confine them to a "box". As Danny told truly: "I've seen how our gendered stereotypes impact children and I didn't want that to happen for Wilder." But Danny's parenting choices have been met with fierce criticism online: "On a daily basis I have hundreds of comments that say 'Poor child', 'CPS should remove that child'." But Danny has found comfort in the positive comments that "wash away" all the negatives and they are now laser-focused on ensuring Wilder can live a safe and happy life: "For Wilder's future, I hope they're met with kindness and I hope that they have more self-love than I could have ever imagined possible for myself... Wilder is a really powerful little being, they are here to change this world."
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00:00I'm a trans dad and I use gender-neutral pronouns when referring to my child.
00:03I raised wilder, practicing they-them pronouns.
00:06My child is, as they would say, just wilder.
00:09I was nine years into my transition when I found out that I was pregnant.
00:13Being a papa, a parent, is something that I've dreamt of being my entire life.
00:17And I never knew how I would come to it as a queer trans person.
00:20A lot of people claim that I'm confusing my child by raising them in a gender-neutral
00:24way.
00:25I have hundreds of comments that say, poor child.
00:27CPS should remove that child.
00:29People say ignore it, but there's only so much you can ignore.
00:35Right now we're in Wilder's playroom.
00:36One of the things that felt really important to me when I was creating this room was that
00:40it be as gender-neutral as possible.
00:42It's not a pink or blue nursery.
00:44It's a room for Wilder.
00:45We've got trucks, we've got dinosaurs, we've got Barbies, we've got dolls, we've got books
00:50about being your truest self.
00:52When I was growing up, I was a born female and I really only had access to makeup boxes
00:58and jewelry and high heels and dress-up clothes and I wanted the soccer ball and I wanted
01:04to build things and I didn't have the most access to the things that I think I would
01:08have enjoyed the most.
01:09It's just giving your child access to things and having things available for them to be
01:14able to decide if that's what they like or if that's what they like.
01:17And that's what I try to do for Wilder.
01:18I was nine years into my transition when I found out that I was pregnant.
01:22My pregnancy with Wilder was a surprise for me.
01:25I am a recovering addict and my last relapse, I acted out and one of the initial consequences
01:33turned greatest blessing of my life.
01:40I conceived my child during my last relapse in my addiction.
01:44Being a papa, a parent, is something that I've dreamt of being my entire life and I
01:49never knew how I would come to it as a queer trans person and the university did for me
01:54what I didn't think I'd be able to do for myself.
01:56Everybody was completely shocked.
01:58I decided to raise Wilder as gender neutral and to practice gender creative parenting
02:02really from the beginning before Wilder was even born.
02:05I've seen how our gendered stereotypes impact children and their experience in the world
02:10and I didn't want that to happen for Wilder.
02:12My child is, as they would say, you're just Wilder.
02:15Gender is fluid.
02:16I don't identify as a man or a woman, I identify as both, somewhere in between, some days neither
02:22and how I felt yesterday is different than how I feel today and might even be different
02:25than how I feel tomorrow and so one thing that I want to be very clear with Wilder is
02:28that you don't have to know.
02:31Kids at school ask Wilder are you a boy or a girl and Wilder says I'm Wilder and that's
02:34it then they go back to playing.
02:36Kids are far smarter than our society gives them credit for and understand themselves
02:41a whole lot better than honestly many adults that I know.
02:45What would you say to people who think that you are confusing Wilder?
02:48I think a lot of people who claim that I'm confusing my child by raising them in a gender
02:52neutral way are people who just haven't had the education or experience themselves to
02:56understand why I'm doing this or how gendered stereotypes impact kids.
03:03The things that I struggled with the most as a child, as a youth, were society's expectations
03:09that had been placed upon me.
03:10This is how you should act, this is what you should look like, this is, right?
03:14And I didn't fit into those boxes but had I known that there had been this option where
03:17actually you don't have to fit into the mold or the box, you can create your own, in fact
03:21that's really beautiful, I think it would have changed my life.
03:25I came out as trans when I was 25 and the one thing that my parents have done perfectly
03:31my entire life is they've loved me unconditionally.
03:35So when I told my mom, she's like I don't understand this, I don't want you to do this
03:39because I'm terrified for you but you're my child so whatever you decide to do we're gonna
03:45support you.
03:46And I have, and I absolutely have.
03:50It's so interesting to see myself at 37 and think about what I used to think or see myself
03:55as when I was a kid and it's similar and yet it's so different.
03:58Wilder calls me Papa, Wilder sometimes calls me Danny, to be silly.
04:02I chose Papa instead of Dad because it feels more soft and warm and it feels a little bit
04:07more gender neutral for me as a non-binary person than Dad does.
04:11A friend reached out to me right after I found out I was pregnant and she's like have you
04:15thought about joining TikTok?
04:17And so I joined and as soon as I did my video went viral and it's just been increasing over
04:23time.
04:24I've received a great deal of cyberbullying, hundreds, thousands of hateful comments.
04:29On a daily regular basis I have hundreds of comments that say poor child, CPS should remove
04:35that child.
04:36People say ignore it but there's only so much you can ignore.
04:39I've decided to take Wilder off of the internet and no longer show their face for their safety.
04:44The beautiful thing is that it only takes one positive and supportive comment to completely
04:48wash away hundreds and hundreds of negative comments.
04:51For that parent to tell me that thank you because now they can see the life that their
04:56child can one day live or that child saying thank you I didn't realize I could be a parent
05:02one day and actually carry my own child.
05:05Those comments keep me going.
05:07I've always really admired that Danny is willing to continually put himself out there in the
05:12public sphere despite the kind of hate that comes back at him.
05:16Tell us about Liz, who's Liz?
05:18Liz is my everything.
05:21She's the most second important person in Wilder's life and she's become the second most
05:24important person in my life as well.
05:26I mean I've had trans friends, I attend a very liberal church where we have members
05:31who are trans so it wasn't a foreign concept to me and I've always been comfortable with
05:36the idea that people are who they are.
05:39To know that somebody loves my child in the way that Liz loves Wilder is so reassuring
05:44and beautiful and leaves me feeling so hopeful and excited for Wilder because Wilder loves
05:49their Liz.
05:50Liz loves their Wilder.
05:51Like it's so beautiful and it's the most magical place to be able to raise my child.
05:57We are on our farm, this is where Wilder was born.
06:00We have tons of animals as you can see, this is Margo, she loves these flowers.
06:04These are our new bottle fed baby goats, we've got Tilly here.
06:08Who else do we have Wilder?
06:09Astro and Peanut Butter Jelly.
06:12Astro and Peanut Butter Jelly.
06:14Do you want to help Papa let the rest of the animals out?
06:17Hitchcock is quite talkative this morning.
06:19Do you want to help Papa let the rest of the animals out?
06:22Good day ladies, good day.
06:24Hello, you alright?
06:26Hello Cynthia.
06:27We have three cats, we've got two parrots, we've got pigs and chickens and alpacas and
06:33goats.
06:34This is Bouncer.
06:35Bouncer is a hen, but sometimes what happens is chickens, hens will take on rooster-like
06:39characteristics if there aren't any roosters around.
06:41And so Bouncer is our non-binary chicken who decided to start crowing at 4am.
06:45Getting emotional talking about it, it felt really special to get this non-binary chicken
06:51as a trans non-binary person.
06:53For Wilder's future, I hope they're met with kindness and I hope that they have more self-love
07:01than I could have ever imagined possible for myself.
07:05And I hope that they know how smart and brave and bold and beautiful and caring they are.
07:10And I hope that they achieve their dreams no matter what they are.
07:13I have no idea what the future holds or where we'll be, but what I do know is that my home
07:18is wherever my child is.
07:20Wilder's changed my life in every single way possible.
07:23Wilder's shifted my life from darkness to light.
07:26They give me something to be hopeful for and to find joy in and to be proud of.
07:33Wilder's a really powerful little being.
07:36They are here to change this world.