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FunTranscript
00:00In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it?
00:06The standard I told you so, or the classic neener-neener, or just my normal look of haughty derision?
00:14You don't know we're wrong yet.
00:16Haughty derision it is.
00:19Excuse me, I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.
00:23Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler.
00:25I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely.
00:32Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
00:36If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it.
00:40If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery.
00:45In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
00:50Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
00:55I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
01:01Then you might want to avoid East Texas.
01:04Noted. Now before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.
01:14May I buy you a beverage?
01:17Tepid water, please.
01:27Good God, what have we done?
01:31I honestly didn't believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.
01:36I assure you I am quite real, and I'm having regular intercourse with your daughter.
01:44What?
01:45Oh, yes. We are like wild animals in heat. It's a wonder neither of us has been hurt.
01:53Amy, what is he saying?
01:56You wanted me to have a boyfriend, Mother. Well, here he is.
02:03Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.
02:08Oh, yes. It's time for me to make love to your daughter's vagina.
02:16Thank you, Sheldon. That went very well.
02:19Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship.
02:28Bazinga.
02:32Bedtime. Please show yourself out.
02:35I have to drive home, and I've got enough trouble sitting over the dashboard as it is.
02:41That's okay. You can just sleep here.
02:43Oh, good. A slumber party. We'll do makeovers, initiate phony phone calls, and have spirited pillow fights in our frilly nighties.
02:51Oh, gosh, Amy. I don't know if I would call this an actual slumber party.
02:55Oh, that's disappointing. I've always wanted to be invited to a slumber party.
02:58You never were? Not even when you were a kid?
03:01Well, there was the time I had my tonsils out and I shared a room with a little Vietnamese girl.
03:07She didn't make it through the night, but up till then it was kind of fun.
03:09Okay, well, I guess we're having a slumber party.
03:15Pillow fight!
03:18These are my friends, Bernadette and Amy.
03:20Hi. Hey.
03:22Oh.
03:26Okay, well, it's good to see you.
03:28Yeah, you too.
03:30He's really cute. How do you know him?
03:32Oh, we went out a couple times.
03:34I'm off and flying.
03:35He's really cute. How do you know him?
03:37Oh, we went out a couple times.
03:39I'm off and flummoxed by current slang. Does went out mean had intercourse?
03:43Yes.
03:45No, no. But in this case, yes.
03:48Interesting. And was it not satisfactory?
03:51No, it was great. He just didn't really challenge me on an intellectual level.
03:55Couldn't you just fool around with him and then listen to NPR?
04:00Wouldn't help. Zach can't even spell NPR.
04:03It's what I do with Howard. I'm much smarter than he is.
04:07But it's important to protect his manhood.
04:11Hoo.
04:14What's the matter?
04:16I'm suddenly feeling flushed. My heart rate is elevated.
04:19My palms are clammy. My mouth is dry.
04:22In addition, I keep involuntarily saying hoo.
04:26Oh, we know what's causing that, don't we?
04:29It's no mystery.
04:30I obviously have the flu coupled with sudden onset Tourette's syndrome.
04:35Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take my temperature.
04:38Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity?
04:44I did that one summer. Oh, youth.
04:48No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night, so I'm checking my vital signs every hour.
04:53I'd be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.
04:57Oh, that sounds like fun.
05:01All right.
05:03What were the symptoms?
05:05Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth, and localized vascular throbbing.
05:13Localized to what region?
05:17Ears and genitalia.
05:21Interesting. It's not body parts that usually team up.
05:24Team up?
05:28What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me.
05:32I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette drinking water, carbonated as it was a special occasion.
05:38Penny's friend Zach stopped by and said hello, and I said, hoo.
05:43Hoo?
05:44Zach.
05:45Then why did you ask?
05:47Ask what?
05:48Hoo.
05:49Zach.
05:51All right, let's start over.
05:52What did you say when Zach walked in?
05:55Hoo.
05:56Zach.
05:58Why do you keep saying Zach?
06:00Because you keep saying hoo.
06:02I'm not saying hoo now. I said hoo last night.
06:05And the answer was Zach, correct?
06:07There was no question. I simply said hoo.
06:12All right, I think I have enough to go on.
06:15Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood,
06:20hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite,
06:25or, and I only include it for the sake of covering absolutely all bases, sexual arousal.
06:34Where would I have picked up an alien parasite?
06:37It would seem Amy is drunk in a liquor store parking lot.
06:42Really? Amy?
06:44Now, Leonard, be glad you can't keep a woman. They are a handful.
06:55Oh, look. It's Sheldon and Lil' Leonard. Hi, Lil' Leonard.
07:01Hi, Amy.
07:03Hey, cuddles.
07:05Cuddles?
07:07Yes, cuddles. We cuddled. Grow up, Leonard.
07:12Amy, what are you doing here?
07:14Well, I came here to get a bottle of wine like Penny taught me to do when you're sad.
07:20Yeah, but why didn't you go back to your apartment?
07:23Didn't you go to high school, Leonard?
07:25Parking lots are where all the cool kids hang out.
07:28Not that the rat bastards ever invited me.
07:31Maybe we should get you home.
07:33Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.
07:35Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch,
07:40take me across the street to that motel, and have your way with me?
07:45Yeah, Sheldon, what would it take?
07:51I'm begging both of you, please, let's go.
07:54Oh, come on.
07:56Oopsy-daisy.
07:58Ooh, finally someone found second base.
08:03I'm going to ask you something, and I'd like you to keep an open mind.
08:06Always.
08:08At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy,
08:11At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact.
08:15Oh, boy.
08:20You know ours is a relationship of the mind.
08:25Proposal.
08:27One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins.
08:35Counter-proposal.
08:36Counter-proposal.
08:39I will gently stroke your head and repeat,
08:43Aw, who's a good Amy?
08:48How about this?
08:51French kissing.
08:53Seven minutes in heaven culminating in second base.
09:00Neck massage.
09:04Then you get me that beverage.
09:07We cuddle.
09:13We cuddle. Final offer.
09:17Very well.
09:25Oh, boy.
09:37Oh, boy.
09:49I'm just saying second base is right there.
09:54Amy?
09:56Amy?
09:57Oh, right. Funeral.
09:59Amy.
10:03Hello, Sheldon.
10:04I'm not allowed to wear my silver surfer necktie.
10:07You can wear a bathrobe.
10:10I think I'm too sick to go to the funeral.
10:12You're sick?
10:14You poor kid.
10:15We'll see ya.
10:17Sheldon, aren't you going to take care of me?
10:20Me? No.
10:22I'm not that kind of doctor.
10:25But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick,
10:29the other must take care of them.
10:31Oh, I see the confusion.
10:32No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I'm ill.
10:39When you're feeling better, you'll think that's funny.
10:46Never mind. Goodnight, Sheldon.
10:57Amy?
10:59Amy?
11:00Amy?
11:03I made a commitment in writing to comfort you in times like this.
11:07And additionally, you are my girlfriend, and I care about your well-being.
11:13Thank you, Sheldon.
11:15You're welcome.
11:16Let's get this over with.
11:24102.2.
11:27Exactly what it was half an hour ago.
11:29It's like I'm not even trying to get better.
11:35Sheldon, you don't get over the flu in half an hour.
11:38Well, not with that attitude.
11:41I have to say, I'm finding your bedside manner a little lacking.
11:45I'm sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible.
11:49And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question.
11:53Do you believe in the placebo effect?
11:56Of course I do.
11:57There have been many studies proving its validity.
12:00Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac,
12:06but it is really a powerful medication
12:10specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath.
12:15Sheldon, this isn't helping.
12:18Why don't you just let me get some rest?
12:20How can you sleep? I'm not done making you feel better.
12:23I still have to put a cold rag on your head?
12:25Put a cold rag on your head, sing to you,
12:28and apply VapoRub to your chest.
12:38You want to rub something on my chest?
12:42Yes. All over it.
12:49Maybe we should start with that.
12:52Now you're being a responsible patient.
13:05Now, you may notice some tingling.
13:10Oh, I'm counting on it.
13:21VapoRub.
13:23VapoRub.
13:25VapoRub.
13:27VapoRub.