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FunTranscript
00:00:00Excuse me, I'm meeting a girl here, it's kind of a first date.
00:00:13In a library?
00:00:17She and I are both a little awkward in social situations, so it seemed like a good idea.
00:00:23People say I'm a little awkward too.
00:00:26May I join you?
00:00:29No, you can't join us, just go climb back up whatever beanstalk you came down from.
00:00:40You can do better.
00:00:47Oh, we're eating here?
00:00:55We're having a texting date?
00:01:02I love that.
00:01:07As you're reading, it will help to remember I have an adorable accent.
00:01:14Anything I can get for you? Some apple juice, some jello?
00:01:19No, no thank you, but I do have a favorite to ask.
00:01:24Name it.
00:01:25Well, I'm booked to do a children's party tomorrow, and frankly, I don't feel up to it.
00:01:32No, you're not. You look awful.
00:01:41Anyway, I mean, you know my act better than anybody. I was hoping that maybe you'd fill in for me.
00:01:52Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton?
00:01:56Yeah.
00:01:57Oh my, what an honor. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods.
00:02:07Or a Korean family in Alhambra.
00:02:12I'm so proud of you, Amy, your first bikini wax.
00:02:15Yeah.
00:02:22So, how you doing?
00:02:24Oh, a little sensitive, but not bad.
00:02:27Does it always take that long?
00:02:29No, they don't usually have to go out and get more wax.
00:02:34Oh, yeah.
00:02:38Okay, now pull your car into the spot and let's get out of here.
00:02:41Wait, I'm leaving my car here?
00:02:43Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake. It really makes these things tough to budge.
00:02:48Before I park, come in the back seat. I want to show you something I had done today.
00:02:54All right, you color me intrigued.
00:03:01What do you think?
00:03:03I think you're high on paint fumes.
00:03:07And boy, that's a lot of Band-Aids.
00:03:10Oh!
00:03:13The first 43 parallel universes I've checked proved to be empty.
00:03:18I see no reason to suspect universe number 44 will be any different.
00:03:29Oh, my holy crap!
00:03:39Ow! It's eating my face!
00:03:41Oh, it's eating his face!
00:03:47Hi, Sheldon.
00:03:53He's in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.
00:03:58Howard, what are you doing?
00:04:01He wasn't using it.
00:04:04And I needed a nice cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.
00:04:10Get off there.
00:04:12Give me back my Iron Man helmet.
00:04:13Give me back my parking space.
00:04:15You don't need a parking space. You don't have a car.
00:04:17But you don't need an Iron Man helmet. You're not Iron Man.
00:04:22Well, we appear to have reached an impasse.
00:04:25I have to say, I thought you'd be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk.
00:04:32I didn't pick up on that. That's a nice touch.
00:04:36You guys need me to call someone? I'm guessing your mom's.
00:04:43Thanks, but we've got it covered.
00:04:45Okay, I just talked to my mom.
00:04:51She arranged for us to get a rental car.
00:04:54Great. We can still make it to Comic-Con.
00:04:56Are you kidding me? After all we've been through, I just want to go home.
00:05:00Don't be like that. Come on, have a talk to him.
00:05:03I'm with Leonard. I'm done.
00:05:06Fine. Then I guess it's two against two. How do we decide?
00:05:12Actually, it's three against one.
00:05:14What? What about the mission? You said we were a real-life landing party.
00:05:18Well, we're not. We're an imaginary landing party.
00:05:22We have real-life garbage thrown at us by real-life strangers who think we're idiots.
00:05:28To tell you the truth, I'm starting to feel like one.
00:05:31I want to go home now.
00:05:35Okay. Did we at least rent the car from Enterprise?
00:05:43Get it? Enterprise.
00:05:46Screw you, that's funny.
00:05:50Whatever you got me, you can return.
00:05:52No. No. After everything you didn't do for me tonight, I want you to have it.
00:05:59What's this?
00:06:00Read it.
00:06:02Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University, employee information.
00:06:06At the bottom.
00:06:07In case of emergency, please contact Amy Farrah Fowler.
00:06:15And there's my phone number.
00:06:18And there's my phone number.
00:06:23This is the most beautiful gift you could have ever given me.
00:06:27Well, I thought if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?
00:06:38And you picked me.
00:06:41Because like you said, you're my girlfriend.
00:06:44Oh, Sheldon.
00:06:47Okay.
00:06:50Stop ruining Valentine's Day and order my pizza.
00:06:54I can't believe I ditched work for Disneyland.
00:06:56What did you tell your boss?
00:06:58Oh, I was very clever. I did it in stages.
00:07:00At 7 last night, I called about a problem at the lab and casually mentioned I was going out for seafood.
00:07:06At 9.30, I called and told him that one of my scallops tasted weird.
00:07:10At 11.30, I called and said I was throwing up like a fire hose.
00:07:14At 12.45, I called and made nothing but dry heaving sounds.
00:07:19And now I'm going to Disneyland.
00:07:23Penny, what did you say?
00:07:25I work at the Cheesecake Factory. I said bye.
00:07:30So what are we going to do first?
00:07:32I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to make a beeline for the place that gives you a princess makeover.
00:07:36Oh, that sounds like fun.
00:07:38You're kidding, right? We're not just going to get drunk and go on rides?
00:07:41Come on, do it with us.
00:07:43Alright, whatever. How does it work?
00:07:46Okay, so you pick your princess. Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella.
00:07:50They give you hair, makeup, the works.
00:07:52I guess it would be fun to be Cinderella.
00:07:55Oh, I want to be Cinderella, too.
00:07:57Yeah. We can't all be Cinderella.
00:08:03Then how do we decide?
00:08:05Well, it's simple. This was my idea. I'm Cinderella.
00:08:08Well, it's simple. This was my idea. I'm driving. I'm Cinderella.
00:08:12You bitches got a problem with that, we could stop the car right now.
00:08:17It's really you.
00:08:24Mr. Jeffers, I am so sorry. We should have told you about the broken elevator.
00:08:28I agree.
00:08:32Professor Proton, it's an honor to meet you.
00:08:35Just call me Arthur.
00:08:37Arthur Leonard.
00:08:41Did you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur.
00:08:45That means we're friends.
00:08:48No, a friend would have told me about the elevator.
00:08:56Look at me.
00:09:00I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it's going to ruin my eyes.
00:09:08Is he dangerous?
00:09:12Actually, he's a genius.
00:09:14I am.
00:09:18That doesn't answer my question.
00:09:22Mr. Jeffers, I'm Leonard. This is my girlfriend, Penny.
00:09:25Hi.
00:09:26Hello.
00:09:31Well, I hope I haven't kept the kids waiting too long for the show.
00:09:36Oh, no, there are no kids. No, the show's for me.
00:09:40Come on. Aratia.
00:09:43Arthur.
00:09:49Is the blonde girl really your girlfriend?
00:09:52Yes, sir.
00:09:54You're the genius.
00:09:57You find yourselves in an overgrown old forest.
00:10:01Before you is a giant oak tree with a face on it.
00:10:05That looks a lot like Nicolas Cage.
00:10:10He says, travel with caution.
00:10:16These woods are home to the bones of many a fallen hero.
00:10:26Honestly, Howard's just as good a dungeon master as I am.
00:10:30As good? Well, you just got pantsed in the schoolyard, four eyes.
00:10:35Hey, come on, guys, focus.
00:10:37Oh, mighty Nicolas Cage tree.
00:10:40We thank you for your warning, but we are brave warriors
00:10:44and nothing short of death will keep us from our goal.
00:10:51Oh, Lucy Street after all. See ya.
00:10:55Hey, hey, hey, you can't leave. We just started.
00:10:58You're right, I should finish the game.
00:11:00I take my plus one long sword, stab myself in the face with it,
00:11:03I'm dead, I've got a date with a girl. Bye!
00:11:08You'll be fine. Watch.
00:11:10Suddenly, a spectral shape rises from Cthulhu Pali's bloody corpse and says,
00:11:16Don't worry, buddies.
00:11:18Ghost Raj will help guide you through the forest.
00:11:23Well, I'm just a tree, but if I were you, I'd listen to your ghost friend!
00:11:29Would you like to hear a classic Sheldon Cooper factoid?
00:11:33What do you think?
00:11:34Great.
00:11:36I've been doing some reading about vehicular safety.
00:11:40Did you know that the highest number of drowning accidents happen on or around boats?
00:11:48Interesting that you would bring that up when I might go work on a boat.
00:11:52That's the thing about factoids. They're interesting.
00:11:57I know what you're doing.
00:11:59You don't want me going on this research trip because you're afraid to be alone.
00:12:03Well, I'm not afraid to be alone.
00:12:05On land.
00:12:08On the sea, it would be terrifying.
00:12:13Because of all the drowning.
00:12:16Sheldon.
00:12:17Fine, no more drowning talk. I'll change the subject.
00:12:21Who do you think would win in a fight?
00:12:24You or a shark?
00:12:29Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness,
00:12:34but if I get the chance to do this, there's nothing you can say that's going to stop me.
00:12:40Very well.
00:12:42Things between you and Penny have never been better.
00:12:45I hope four months apart doesn't change anything.
00:12:53I should have opened with that, huh?
00:12:55Why hasn't Stephen Hawking played a word?
00:12:59The guy's a genius. Maybe you weren't challenging enough for him.
00:13:03Not challenging. I was humiliating the man.
00:13:06Yeah, I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.
00:13:13Here's the problem. You can't beat Hawking like that. He hates to lose.
00:13:18Everyone knows the guy's a big baby.
00:13:20Forget the wheelchair, he should be in a stroller.
00:13:26Really?
00:13:27One time when I was working with him, he said that Johnny Depp was in The Matrix.
00:13:33I told him he was wrong, but he kept insisting, so I looked it up online and showed him.
00:13:38Well, the next day, he had a pizza party, and everyone got invited but me.
00:13:46And then he was all,
00:13:47Your invitation must have gotten lost in The Matrix.
00:13:55Good Lord, what have I done?
00:13:58Good Lord, what have I done?
00:14:03Terrible.
00:14:07Alright, hotshot, let's hear your Indian.
00:14:09I can't sit on that elephant. My ass is on fire from eating all this curry.
00:14:18Okay, yeah, that's pretty good.
00:14:20Good.
00:14:30Why are they staring?
00:14:33Who cares? Just soak it in.
00:14:37Hello, boys.
00:14:40Oh, hey.
00:14:43Can you please stop staring? They're just girls.
00:14:46It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.
00:14:50Hey, Stuart.
00:14:51What brings you guys here?
00:14:53We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.
00:14:55Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.
00:14:59No, we were just wondering why the guys like this stuff so much, so we thought we'd give it a try.
00:15:03Oh, okay. What do you think you might be into?
00:15:05Superhero, fantasy, graphic novels, manga?
00:15:08I swear I will turn a hose on you.
00:15:11What kind of comics do the guys like?
00:15:13Um, a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
00:15:16Alright, well, who's the best superhero?
00:15:19I can't ask a question like that in here. Are you trying to start a rumble?
00:15:25Ernie, I'm home.
00:15:28Did you have fun today?
00:15:30Yes, and I have a surprise for you.
00:15:33What is it?
00:15:36Did you have fun today?
00:15:38Yes, and I have a surprise for you.
00:15:41Please be Cinderella. Please be Cinderella.
00:15:46Well, hello, Prince Charming.
00:15:52Milady.
00:16:05Hey, how was your... What?
00:16:09I can explain. I played hooky with the girls, then we all went to Disneyland and got...
00:16:14What are you doing?
00:16:15Disneyland. Go on, I'm listening.
00:16:21Sheldon, all Snow White needs is one little kiss to wake up.
00:16:27Heard you the first time.
00:16:31We're all here tonight because we have no one to be with.
00:16:36But that doesn't make us mutants.
00:16:41The only mutants here are in these comic books.
00:16:46We've got to stop defining our self-worth by whether or not we're in a relationship.
00:16:53You know what I see when I look around?
00:16:56I see a room full of great people.
00:17:00So let's give ourselves a break.
00:17:03We are a community.
00:17:05And as long as we have each other, we're never truly alone.
00:17:17That was cool, what you said.
00:17:21You really think so?
00:17:23Yeah, I do.
00:17:26Do you like to get a cup of coffee?
00:17:31Okay.
00:17:38Later, losers!
00:17:44Let me say, if I have this straight.
00:17:47You two are physicists.
00:17:50You two are physicists.
00:17:54And you want me to do a children's science show.
00:18:01Yes.
00:18:03And if there's time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing.
00:18:14You know, I'm a real scientist.
00:18:16I have a PhD from Cornell University.
00:18:20Yeah, that's great. Did you bring your puppet?
00:18:24No, no.
00:18:27I hate that puppet.
00:18:31Oh, no. How could anybody hate Geno the Neutrino?
00:18:38It's nice, huh? I got him for 20 bucks on eBay.
00:18:41Including his shipping!
00:18:47I'm awake, right?
00:18:53This is happening.
00:18:56Here we are.
00:18:57Yep.
00:18:59I'm really gonna miss you.
00:19:01I'm gonna miss you, too.
00:19:03Penny, we're in the red zone.
00:19:06The white zone is for loading and unloading.
00:19:09We're breaking the law.
00:19:12There's no space in the white zone, so...
00:19:14Anyway, we can email.
00:19:17And I think the phone connections are pretty good.
00:19:19All right, you have to get out of the car right now.
00:19:20I'm not going to jail for you.
00:19:22Can't you just relax?
00:19:23Oh, I see a space in the white zone.
00:19:25Quick, circle the airport.
00:19:28Did you bring enough inhalers?
00:19:30Yeah.
00:19:31And extra Dramamine?
00:19:32You remember what happened on It's a Small World?
00:19:36No, I'm covered.
00:19:37Oh, dear Lord, a police officer's glancing in our direction.
00:19:40We've been made.
00:19:44Calm down, I'm getting out.
00:19:46I have something I want to give you.
00:19:48Oh, Leonard.
00:19:49All right, it's just a heart-shaped lock with a picture of Leonard's face in it.
00:19:51You got them all on clearance.
00:19:52Now move, move, move.
00:19:56I love you.
00:19:58I love you, too.
00:20:03Don't worry, officer.
00:20:04They just love each other.
00:20:06We're not smuggling drugs.
00:20:09This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle.
00:20:15What?
00:20:17A naked man sat on it.
00:20:19Now, here's my concern.
00:20:21His diet is rich in fatty deli meats.
00:20:25What test do you have to detect lipid residue?
00:20:29Lipid what?
00:20:33Lipid residue.
00:20:36Lipid residue.
00:20:38An anal autograph.
00:20:41A colon calling card, if you will.
00:20:47Tuesday okay?
00:20:50Now, don't rush it.
00:20:51We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level.
00:20:55Let me write you a ticket.
00:20:57I've just never played Dungeons and Dragons with girls before.
00:21:00Oh, don't worry, sweetie.
00:21:01No one has.
00:21:06So, what do you say?
00:21:09I'll leave it up to the dungeon master.
00:21:13A satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino
00:21:19rises from the forest floor and says,
00:21:23You're playing D&D.
00:21:25You're playing D&D.
00:21:27This whole apartment
00:21:32is playing D&D.
00:21:36What are you doing in our dungeon?
00:21:41You shall die.
00:21:46Okay, literal goosebumps. Look.
00:21:49What do you do?
00:21:50I draw my broadsword.
00:21:52I ready my quarterstaff.
00:21:54I drink my potion.
00:21:58I say we attack the big one.
00:22:00You know what? Give me the dice. I want to roll.
00:22:02The dungeon master is supposed to roll.
00:22:04Yeah, well, I'm supposed to be in Vegas throwing up on a shrimp buffet.
00:22:07No, give it.
00:22:10All right, what do I need?
00:22:12Fifteen or higher.
00:22:14Fifteen's the point. The point is fifteen.
00:22:16Give the little lady some room. Here it is, coming out.
00:22:19Sixteen!
00:22:23Elmo, please tell me we're playing for money.
00:22:26Oh, even better than money. You gained experience points.
00:22:31More potion, please.
00:22:33I am unlovable.
00:22:35That's just the booze talking.
00:22:37No, it's not. I haven't had a drink since last night.
00:22:51You're talking to me.
00:22:53I am.
00:22:56And I'm crying for a whole different reason.
00:23:00So, I guess what I'm saying is, I get where Lucy's coming from.
00:23:04That's great. Do you want some wine?
00:23:06No, water's fine.
00:23:08Anyhow, I've been thinking about it a lot.
00:23:10And I totally see why Lucy did what she did.
00:23:13I pushed too hard. But you know what?
00:23:15If I back off and give her enough space, maybe there's still a future for us.
00:23:19The funny thing about life is that, you know, sometimes...
00:23:22Does he ever shut up?
00:23:25But then, it turns good again.
00:23:27And that means it's better than if it had never been bad for a while.
00:23:30And now you're...
00:23:36And hold three, two, one.
00:23:41Very good.
00:23:44Now let's try warrior two.
00:23:48And hold.
00:23:50I've read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies,
00:23:55they can draw water in through their genitals.
00:24:06Yeah, well, I don't think we're gonna get to do that today.
00:24:11Too bad.
00:24:13Seems like a good way to drink a milkshake without getting brain freeze.
00:24:20Oh, hey.
00:24:22Now we go to reverse warrior.
00:24:30How did she get you to do yoga?
00:24:32Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda.
00:24:38Wait, it's not all pants. There's one shirt.
00:24:40Oh.
00:24:41Hey, that's my shirt.
00:24:43This one is too.
00:24:44No, that's not mine. That's a big spot on it.
00:24:46Wait, so does this one.
00:24:48Maybe the spot's the clue.
00:24:55Sheldon spot. The clue is in your spot!
00:24:59Oh, that's clever.
00:25:01Hurry!
00:25:02Be there in a minute. I just have to pre-soak these.
00:25:11Stop her, Leonard! Stop her!
00:25:19Where the hell's the coin?
00:25:21Wasn't the answer Sheldon spot?
00:25:23Oh, yes, Leonard.
00:25:25Yes, it was.
00:25:29Where's the coin?
00:25:30Yes, exactly.
00:25:32Where is the coin?
00:25:34Why don't you look in your pockets?
00:25:40I slipped them in there earlier today.
00:25:45I don't get it.
00:25:47I don't get it.
00:25:49Don't you see?
00:25:50When we're all having fun together, we're already winners.
00:25:54Oh, look, see?
00:25:56Even I'm a winner.
00:26:01Are you kidding me?
00:26:04That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
00:26:08You suck.
00:26:09So hot.
00:26:11Water would be great.
00:26:12Okay.
00:26:13Um, you're Lucy, right?
00:26:15I'm a friend of Raj Koothrappali's.
00:26:16Actually, Amy recognized you.
00:26:26Wow.
00:26:27How's he doing?
00:26:28Oh, you know, he's good.
00:26:30Great.
00:26:31Yeah, this is none of my business,
00:26:33but why did you break up with him in an email?
00:26:37Oh, I don't know.
00:26:38I guess I thought it would be easier.
00:26:41Yeah, I get that.
00:26:42I'll go get you your water.
00:26:46When you say easier,
00:26:49you mean easier for you, right?
00:26:51Because it certainly didn't make it easier for him.
00:26:54Any chance I can get a different waitress?
00:26:57I'm sorry.
00:26:58This is rude of me.
00:26:59I will get you that water.
00:27:01See?
00:27:02See?
00:27:03See?
00:27:04See?
00:27:05Just now, you expressed your feelings to my face.
00:27:06How come you could do that with me but not with Raj?
00:27:08I don't know your email.
00:27:12You know what the worst part is?
00:27:13You're sitting here perfectly happy,
00:27:14and he's at home a blubbering mess.
00:27:16I thought you said he was okay.
00:27:18Well, I also said I was getting you water,
00:27:19but look at me, still standing here.
00:27:22You know, I may be a bad waitress,
00:27:24but you are a bad person.
00:27:26Now, you want to hear the specials?
00:27:33Arthur passing away was harder on Sheldon
00:27:35than he's ready to admit.
00:27:36I'm really hoping this will cheer him up.
00:27:38Me too.
00:27:39Although it might have been thoughtless of us
00:27:41to bake a Death Star cake.
00:27:44No, it combines two of Sheldon's favorite things.
00:27:47Chocolate chips and the ability to destroy a planet
00:27:49at the push of a button.
00:27:52Well, anyway, it'll be a nice surprise for the boys.
00:27:54And Howie doesn't think I take his interest seriously,
00:27:56so hopefully this will keep him fooled for a while.
00:28:00Okay, let's get the fondant and start decorating.
00:28:04This is pretty cool.
00:28:05You don't see too many spherical cakes.
00:28:11I wonder why that is.
00:28:14Hey, guys.
00:28:16Happy Star Wars Day!
00:28:18Wow!
00:28:20A Death Star cake!
00:28:22We were hoping it might cheer you up.
00:28:24And even though it meant we had to miss the movies,
00:28:26we could still be part of the fun.
00:28:27No, you didn't miss anything.
00:28:28We just started over.
00:28:30Son of a bitch.
00:28:32Hi. Hey, guys.
00:28:33Look who's here to put the Jew in Jewelry Night.
00:28:40Sure, so it's fine when you say it.
00:28:43Sorry we're late.
00:28:44Wanted to swing by the lab
00:28:45and pick up some even cooler tools for us to use.
00:28:48I didn't know you were coming again.
00:28:49Well, last week was a blast.
00:28:51Plus, I thought you might like having a guy here.
00:28:57It was not funny.
00:29:00So, what tools did you bring?
00:29:02Everything we need to make jewelry molds.
00:29:03Here's some silver, a crucible,
00:29:05and an acetylene torch to melt it down.
00:29:07Ooh, that looks like fun.
00:29:09Maybe you should master glue before you move on to fire.
00:29:14Okay, who's up first?
00:29:15Rajesh, do you want to make a bracelet for your mom
00:29:18to go with the necklace?
00:29:19No, thanks.
00:29:20I was going to make a necklace for my mom,
00:29:22but unfortunately she doesn't have a neck.
00:29:26She has just chins and fat and feet.
00:29:33Leonard, do you think I'm funny?
00:29:35No.
00:29:40Do you?
00:29:41I think I'm hysterical.
00:29:44I take it back. That was funny.
00:29:49The philosopher Henri Bergson says
00:29:51it's funny when a human being behaves like an object.
00:29:55I bet that bit killed at the chuckle hut.
00:30:00Oh, he didn't perform stand-up comedy.
00:30:02He was a philosopher.
00:30:05I think we're zeroing in on your problem.
00:30:09Perhaps I'll spend some time
00:30:11developing a unified theory of comedy,
00:30:13which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time.
00:30:17Unless they're German, because that's a tough crowd.
00:30:23Are you set on people laughing with you?
00:30:25Because if you're cool without you...
00:30:31This is interesting.
00:30:32Apparently, a key component in some forms of humor
00:30:36is the element of surprise.
00:30:38Well, that makes sense.
00:30:40The prefrontal cortex is responsible
00:30:42for planning and anticipation,
00:30:44and patients with brain lesions...
00:30:46Brain lesions!
00:30:53Sheldon, you scared me. That wasn't funny.
00:30:56Maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.
00:31:01Okay, the notion that you can read a few books
00:31:04and come up with a definitive theory of comedy is absurd.
00:31:07Humor is a complex neurological...
00:31:16Okay, that's pretty good.
00:31:19Can he really quit the Cheesecake Factory?
00:31:21Yeah. What is she doing today?
00:31:23I don't know. She already thinks I don't support this,
00:31:25so if I call, it might look like I'm checking up on him.
00:31:28Do you support this?
00:31:29Of course I do.
00:31:30She's a great actress. I'm proud she's taking this risk.
00:31:33That's nice.
00:31:34You bought that? Great.
00:31:39Gotta call her before I forget how I said it.
00:31:43Hey!
00:31:44Hi, what's up?
00:31:45How's it going? You taking Hollywood by storm?
00:31:47Actually, I'm at the Cheesecake Factory.
00:31:49You got your job back. That is great news.
00:31:51I didn't want to say anything, but you are making the right choice.
00:31:54To plunge yourself into debt right now would be literally insane.
00:31:57Yeah, I'm just returning my uniform.
00:32:00And I support you.
00:32:03You've come to me because...
00:32:05you're my Obi-Wan.
00:32:09I'm not familiar with that.
00:32:13Is that an Internet?
00:32:20Wow.
00:32:21You're dead, so I'm gonna let that slide.
00:32:24Wow.
00:32:25You're dead, so I'm gonna let that slide.
00:32:30Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars.
00:32:33After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.
00:32:40Well, that clears that up.
00:32:45You must be here to give me advice.
00:32:54Oh, this is weird.
00:32:57Most of my robes open in the back.
00:33:04Those are your Jedi robes.
00:33:08Oh, wait. What...
00:33:11What is this?
00:33:13Be careful with that.
00:33:16Oh.
00:33:24Oh.
00:33:28Oh, neat-o.
00:33:35I'm, uh...
00:33:36I'm... I'm gonna need a band-aid.
00:33:40What's with all the yelling?
00:33:42Leonard disproved my element.
00:33:44Now all the attention is going to go away.
00:33:46Oh, that's great. You must be thrilled.
00:33:48That's it. I'm down to seven friends.
00:33:52I was counting hobbits and superheroes, right?
00:33:55When I thought the element was real, I didn't want it.
00:33:58But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.
00:34:02The element never existed. I didn't take it away.
00:34:05Science took it away. Be mad at science.
00:34:07Don't you dare use science against me.
00:34:10Science is my best friend.
00:34:12Oh, good. I'm back up to eight.
00:34:15Will you tell him he's out of his mind?
00:34:17Actually, I get what he's saying.
00:34:19Yes! Nine! Welcome back, buddy.
00:34:24It's like if you're dating someone you're not that into,
00:34:26and then they break up with you, and then you want them more than ever.
00:34:28I have no idea what she's talking about.
00:34:30But we're ganging up on you, so I agree.
00:34:34Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do?
00:34:36Hide the information?
00:34:38If I don't publish it, it's just a matter of time before someone else does.
00:34:40No, no, of course you have to publish.
00:34:42That's your responsibility as a scientist.
00:34:44Doing otherwise would be unethical. You have no choice.
00:34:47Fine, I'll publish.
00:34:49Can you believe this guy?
00:34:51This is fun. I'm gonna feel like such a vixen wearing jewelry
00:34:54that doesn't have a list of medications I'm allergic to.
00:34:58Benny, how's it going over there?
00:35:00Good. I'm just having a little trouble with the glue.
00:35:04How do you not know how to use glue? Did you ditch preschool?
00:35:08Yeah, only because I was dating a second grader.
00:35:14Hello, everyone.
00:35:16Okay, let me have it.
00:35:18Let's hear all the Raj-is-a-girl jokes.
00:35:21No, Bernadette told me it isn't nice and I'm not allowed.
00:35:25So I won't be making fun of you or the things you like
00:35:27or the fact that you just want to have fun.
00:35:34Howie, stop. Come on, look at what I'm making.
00:35:37Hmm, it's actually pretty nice.
00:35:39I'm making a bracelet.
00:35:41Yeah, I'm just making a mess.
00:35:44You know, instead of beads and glue,
00:35:47you guys can use my soldering iron.
00:35:49You'd be able to make much cooler stuff.
00:35:51Well, I think we're doing just fine, thank you.
00:35:54Actually, I'd kind of like to try that.
00:35:56Me, too.
00:35:57I'll be right back.
00:35:59When did I have pistachios?
00:36:02Isn't that Professor Proton?
00:36:04Oh, yeah.
00:36:09Look at him, just standing in line
00:36:12like he wasn't moderately famous 30 years ago.
00:36:16Let's go say hello.
00:36:17Oh, maybe we shouldn't bother him.
00:36:19I'm not going to bother him. I'm going to talk to him.
00:36:23He thinks there's a difference.
00:36:25Arthur.
00:36:27Arthur, it's me, Sheldon Cooper.
00:36:29But you may not remember because of your advanced age.
00:36:34Trust me, I remember.
00:36:37This is my girlfriend, Amy.
00:36:39Amy, this is television legend Arthur Jeffries.
00:36:42His science show inspired millions of children.
00:36:46Hold on.
00:36:48You have a girlfriend?
00:36:52Yes, and I've heard so much about you.
00:36:54Hey, look.
00:36:55We're wearing the same orthopedic shoes.
00:36:59Can't believe I dress like a celebrity.
00:37:03Okay, I get it now.
00:37:06Dr. Jeffries, hello again. Leonard Hofstadter.
00:37:09Oh, right. I remember your girlfriend.
00:37:14Is she here?
00:37:18No, she's not.
00:37:20So what prescription are you getting filled?
00:37:22Sheldon.
00:37:23No, wait. I want to guess. Don't tell me.
00:37:25I wasn't going to tell you.
00:37:28Sheldon, come on.
00:37:29No, no, no. I'm really good at this.
00:37:31All right, give me a hint.
00:37:32Does it involve difficulty initiating a stream of anything?
00:37:38Well, given my age, that's more than just a lucky guess.
00:37:43Hey, Sheldon, let's go mock the people buying homeopathic medicine.
00:37:46You love that.
00:37:47But I'm hanging out with my friend.
00:37:49We're having fun.
00:37:50Look how happy he is.
00:37:55Parsa doesn't have those kind of resources.
00:37:57No, and that's why he had Aaron Pace rewire.
00:38:00So proud of you.
00:38:01You haven't even gotten to my scene yet.
00:38:03I know, but you're going to be a TV star and you haven't left me yet.
00:38:06That takes guts.
00:38:09I don't know about you, but I'm very uncomfortable with all this.
00:38:12Why?
00:38:13I've never seen this show before.
00:38:15And now I'm starting with episode 246?
00:38:20It's unnatural.
00:38:23Just think of the first 245 as the prequel.
00:38:27All right.
00:38:29Okay, shh. Guys, guys, this is it.
00:38:31I guess it's you and me, kid.
00:38:34What are you doing?
00:38:35I'm trying to make peace.
00:38:37We're good?
00:38:38Good.
00:38:39Are you kidding me?
00:38:40What's wrong?
00:38:41Well, the diner scene. Where's my diner scene?
00:38:44Look, don't ask me until I see the prequel. I'm lost.
00:38:48No, there's supposed to be a big scene with me and Mark Harmon, but it's gone.
00:38:53What happened?
00:38:54They must have cut it.
00:38:56Oh, Penny.
00:38:58I'm sorry.
00:39:00That stinks.
00:39:01Sure you agreed?
00:39:02This doesn't make any sense to me. I thought I did a really good job.
00:39:09Excuse me.
00:39:16I've been studying how to make people laugh.
00:39:20They say that comedy is tragedy plus time.
00:39:26Let's tickle some ribs.
00:39:35Hey, Stuart.
00:39:38Hey.
00:39:39Sorry, did I startle you?
00:39:40Yes, but at this point, pretty much any customer does.
00:39:44What can I do for you?
00:39:45I need a little help.
00:39:46I accidentally destroyed one of Howard's comic books this morning, and I was hoping I could replace it.
00:39:50Wow, what happened?
00:39:52Batman got his ass kicked by my curling iron.
00:39:56Don't let the Riddler know that.
00:40:00It's a comic book joke.
00:40:04Or maybe it's not.
00:40:07Do you have this one?
00:40:08Well, it's pretty rare. Can you give me a few days to track it down?
00:40:12I was kind of hoping to get it before Howard comes home from work.
00:40:14What's the hurry?
00:40:15Well, he's always saying I should be more careful with my curling iron,
00:40:18and it seems like a dangerous precedent to let him think he can be right.
00:40:23Well, I'll do what I can, but I can't make any promises.
00:40:27You know, I do work at a pharmaceutical company.
00:40:31If you can make this happen today, I can hook you up with anxiety medication, antidepressants.
00:40:37Really?
00:40:38Do you have any of these?
00:40:42I just feel like everything is falling apart.
00:40:45Come on, it's okay.
00:40:46No, it's not okay. Look at me, okay?
00:40:48I took a temp job as a waitress forever ago, and I'm still doing it.
00:40:52I can't quit, because guess what? I can't do anything else,
00:40:55and I finally get my big break, and it goes away.
00:40:58I'm such a mess.
00:40:59No, you're not.
00:41:00Oh, really? Because this morning at Starbucks, a pair of friends of mine
00:41:03I'm such a mess.
00:41:04No, you're not.
00:41:05Oh, really? Because this morning at Starbucks, a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg.
00:41:13And it wasn't the only one in there.
00:41:18Okay, listen to me. This is just a minor setback.
00:41:21No, it's not, okay? I've been out here for like ten years. I have nothing to show for it.
00:41:25Well, you have me.
00:41:28You're right.
00:41:29Okay.
00:41:32I do have you.
00:41:37Let's get married.
00:41:41What?
00:41:48Leonard Hofstadter, will you marry me?
00:41:53Um...
00:41:56Did you seriously just say, um?
00:42:01You know, I love you, but you're drunk and sad and feeling lost.
00:42:07Okay, so you don't want to marry me?
00:42:10That is not what I said.
00:42:11No, forget it. I take it back. Offer's off the table.
00:42:13Who's in the mood to laugh?
00:42:18I got an email from Professor Proton.
00:42:21Oh, goody. What's it saying?
00:42:23He's working on a paper about nanovacuum tubes and wants to know if I'd take a look at it.
00:42:28That's strange. He would come to you for that and not me.
00:42:34Oh, I got two emails from him.
00:42:37Do you have Leonard's email address?
00:42:43And...
00:42:44Never mind, I found it.
00:42:48I can't believe he picked you over me.
00:42:51I don't want to read a paper by some old has-been who hasn't done any real science in decades.
00:42:57Yeah, it's nothing to cry about.
00:42:59Sheldon Cooper does not cry.
00:43:01It's true. You'd rust.
00:43:06When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot, he gave him all sorts of helpful advice.
00:43:13So, um...
00:43:16What do you got for me?
00:43:19Um...
00:43:21Always...
00:43:24Get a prenup.
00:43:30That's it?
00:43:32I thought there'd be more of a reason why you're here.
00:43:35Oh.
00:43:36Why do you think I'm here?
00:43:39I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing.
00:43:43Is this the first time you've lost, you know, someone close to you?
00:43:48Oh, no.
00:43:50No, I've already had to say goodbye to 11 Dr. Who's.
00:43:57Yeah, I've outlived a few of my doctors, too.
00:44:02Oh, hey, Sheldon.
00:44:04Hello.
00:44:06Hello.
00:44:13You okay?
00:44:14I'm on vacation. What do you think?
00:44:19Why are you sitting in the stairwell?
00:44:21Leonard told me to stay.
00:44:25Oh.
00:44:26Well, good boy.
00:44:29Where are you going?
00:44:30Oh, I have a ton of errands to run.
00:44:32I'm going to get my head shot, send them off to agents, and sign up for a new acting class, and...
00:44:36Have fun.
00:44:37Okay.
00:44:45You want to come with me?
00:44:46Really?
00:44:48Come on, boy. Come on. Let's go.
00:44:50Let's go.
00:44:51Come on. Come on.
00:44:53So, what did you think of your first funeral?
00:44:56Oh, I don't want to be a jerk, but it was kind of a bummer.
00:45:00Yeah, well, when I die, you can rent a bounce house.
00:45:05You think about dying?
00:45:07No, I think more about if I have any regrets.
00:45:10What would you regret?
00:45:12You know, that I didn't travel more, take more risks, learn another language.
00:45:18You know Klingon.
00:45:21That's true.
00:45:22No, I meant that as a regret.
00:45:29Just thought of one more.
00:45:30What's that?
00:45:32I regret not saying yes when you asked me to marry you.
00:45:36Well, it just wasn't the right time.
00:45:39Yeah.
00:45:41And this is also not the right time. Do not propose.
00:45:45What?
00:45:46I know that face. That's your propose face.
00:45:49I was not going to propose. It's already two to one.
00:45:51What's two to one?
00:45:52I propose twice. You propose once. Two to one.
00:45:54Oh, my. It's not a contest.
00:45:56I don't know what you're upset about. I'm the one who's losing.
00:45:58Okay. Fine. Would you feel better if I propose so you could turn me down again?
00:46:03Yeah, I think I would.
00:46:04Okay. Leonard, will you marry me?
00:46:07Hmm.
00:46:10No, don't you dare. You reject me right now and tie things up.
00:46:15It's just such a big decision. I don't want to have any regrets.
00:46:20You love this guy.
00:46:21Me?
00:46:24Come on. He's an underappreciated genius.
00:46:28Still think it's me.
00:46:30It's not you. Now think. There's a car named after him.
00:46:34Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, because it's me.
00:46:40How about this? He's a poor man's Sheldon Cooper.
00:46:44Oh, Tesla.
00:46:46Hi.
00:46:47Hey, how'd it go?
00:46:48Not fun. The doctor shoved a camera up into my sinuses.
00:46:52Yeah, I watched. It was like the scary boat tunnel in Willy Wonka.
00:46:58Did they figure out what's wrong?
00:46:59Yeah, it's a deviated septum. The surgery to correct it is simple. He's going to do it next week.
00:47:03Why would you have surgery?
00:47:05Because I can't breathe. I snore. I get sinus infections.
00:47:09You're back off. He's all mine.
00:47:12But you don't have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery?
00:47:16Sheldon, it's a routine procedure. I've heard you complain about his snoring.
00:47:20Yeah, that's for the first five or six years, but I've gotten used to it.
00:47:24It helps me sleep. He's like my mucus-powered white noise machine.
00:47:30Sheldon, I'm going to get the surgery. It's no big deal. End of story.
00:47:33Very well. I'm done talking about it.
00:47:36I believe it was your turn in the game.
00:47:37Okay.
00:47:40Let's see. Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery
00:47:47and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous, disfigured freak.
00:47:54I think you could give a better clue.
00:47:56I don't. I'm not even sure if that's a person or a typo.
00:48:00Do you guys ever fight over money?
00:48:02Sure. Sometimes. I mean, it can be a little awkward since I make so much more money than Howie.
00:48:09You didn't have to say so much more.
00:48:11Well, I didn't have to, but for the sake of accuracy, I felt that I should.
00:48:16I brought a lot of significant assets into the relationship, too.
00:48:19Like what? Your incomplete set of Star Trek collector plates?
00:48:24For your information, I just bought the last one I needed on eBay.
00:48:28Without asking me?
00:48:31There were only three minutes left in the auction, and it was a mint-conditioned Scotty from a smoke-free hole.
00:48:39How much, Howie?
00:48:40Not a lot.
00:48:41How much?
00:48:43Let's not talk about this in front of our friends.
00:48:47Was it more or less than falconry school?
00:48:50For the tenth time, that was a Groupon.
00:48:54Did you enjoy my lecture?
00:48:56No, and neither did our waiter.
00:49:00If you're going to serve Cornish game hen, you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall, or be prepared to learn it.
00:49:07It's hard to argue with that. And I know, because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.
00:49:20Hey, how was dinner?
00:49:21Good. I had Cornish game hen.
00:49:23Oh, that poor waiter.
00:49:27Sheldon, how about tomorrow night we see a movie?
00:49:30You guys are going out two nights in a row?
00:49:32I missed a number of date nights while I was on my train trip, and I'm contractually obligated to make them up under the terms of the relationship agreement.
00:49:41That's so hot.
00:49:44It's better than hot, it's binding.
00:49:47If you're free tomorrow night, I'd love to have you join us on a double date.
00:49:52Aww, you are aware that a double date doesn't count as two dates.
00:49:59Oh.
00:50:01Well, then come or don't, I don't care.
00:50:03They're not dating, they're just two friends who went out to dinner.
00:50:07And then went back to the home they share, where they probably fell asleep in the matching pajamas she got them because they both just love penguins.
00:50:17Lots of people wear matching pajamas who aren't dating.
00:50:20Like who?
00:50:21Like you and your dog.
00:50:24Don't rule out the dating.
00:50:28Fine, it bothers me. You happy?
00:50:31You think you've got problems.
00:50:33The Gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape.
00:50:41How is this helpful?
00:50:42All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one.
00:50:46That means Taxonomous created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor Gibbon as the weird kid on the playground.
00:50:55Now there's a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.
00:50:59But the Gibbon doesn't know what it's categorized as. It doesn't even know it's called a Gibbon.
00:51:04True.
00:51:06Sorry kids, you got it worse than a Gibbon.
00:51:08But I made a video.
00:51:13I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper and I'd like to tell you why I should be chosen to...
00:51:19Go to Mars!
00:51:23I'm exceedingly smart. I graduated college at 14.
00:51:26While my brother was getting an STD, I was getting a PhD.
00:51:33Penicillin can't take this away.
00:51:37Being in close quarters, cleanliness is important.
00:51:41My hygiene is impeccable.
00:51:43In fact, animals don't trust me because I smell like nothing.
00:51:49Literally nothing.
00:51:54During the seven month space flight, I can keep up morale with my wacky sense of humor.
00:52:02Hey Leonard, is there any peanut brittle left in that can?
00:52:07You mean this weirdly suspicious one?
00:52:10Yes. Open it and check.
00:52:18I don't get it. There's actually peanut brittle in here.
00:52:28Please go to Mars.
00:52:32But on a more serious note, the most important reason I want to go to Mars
00:52:36is that I believe, as a scientist, it's my duty to push the boundaries of human knowledge forward.
00:52:43Now, I know that life on Mars will be difficult.
00:52:46But life here on Earth is no picnic.
00:52:49Also, picnics are no picnic.
00:52:53Where should we go for lunch? Oh, I know. The ground.
00:52:58In conclusion, thank you for considering me for this journey of a lifetime.
00:53:04Get to Mars!
00:53:08You guys ever notice that Emily has a bit of a twisted side?
00:53:11You mean because she has weird tattoos?
00:53:13No, because she wants to have sex with me in a graveyard.
00:53:19One more time?
00:53:21She and I were supposed to watch the new Avengers movie tonight, but it was sold out.
00:53:25So I said, what else do you want to do?
00:53:27She said, let's go to a cemetery and do it on somebody's grave.
00:53:31Like a random person or somebody she knew?
00:53:36What difference does it make?
00:53:39Well, if it's her father's grave and they didn't get along, then you know she holds a grudge.
00:53:46The only issue is that everybody has their own thing.
00:53:48And as long as it's two consenting adults, I guess I don't see the harm in it.
00:53:52Well, what if it's one consenting adult and one adult who pretends to consent because he's afraid of being alone?
00:54:00It's a beautiful night.
00:54:02Oh yes, you've got the moon and the trees and Elizabeth McNulty,
00:54:07who apparently died when she was the same age I am.
00:54:13Makes you feel alive, doesn't it?
00:54:15So does enjoying a meal at a well-lit restaurant, but here we are.
00:54:22You aren't scared, are you?
00:54:24Of ghosts? No.
00:54:26Of you? A little bit.
00:54:31Can you believe it's been five years since our first date?
00:54:36I know. Do you think I should start watching the Flash TV show?
00:54:46That's what you're thinking about?
00:54:49Well, one of the things.
00:54:51Are any of them me?
00:54:54Yes. I thought, I can't decide if I should watch the Flash TV show.
00:54:59I know. I'll ask Amy.
00:55:03Anyway.
00:55:06What are you doing?
00:55:08You're right. You did kind of kill the mood.
00:55:11I didn't kill anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show.
00:55:16Excuse me? Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn't a decision to take lightly.
00:55:22I'm wrestling with a big commitment issue here.
00:55:26Really? That's the commitment issue you're wrestling with?
00:55:31Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed,
00:55:36while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?
00:55:43Irony's not really my strong suit.
00:55:46But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.
00:55:51Oh, sure. I'd love to.
00:55:53Whenever you're ready.
00:55:55She passed me the Manischewitz. I took one look at this punim and almost platzed on the kugel.
00:56:04Is this what I sound like when I talk about India?
00:56:09So my mother's okay with this?
00:56:11Why would your mother have a problem with me and Stuart?
00:56:13Because they have a weird, inappropriate relationship.
00:56:16Weirder than what you and I did in my dad's Corolla?
00:56:23This is so messed up.
00:56:25I know, I'm having the best time.
00:56:29Why would you even come to this? Didn't you know I'd be here?
00:56:32It was a long time ago, Howard.
00:56:34And you're only second cousins, who cares?
00:56:37So you knew and you brought her anyway?
00:56:39Oh, so she's good enough for Howard, but not for me?
00:56:42Yeah.
00:56:43Yeah, go have weird relationships with your own mother and cousin. This is his turf.
00:56:46Yeah.
00:56:48Okay, I gotta, I just, I gotta ask.
00:56:53What makes you think that your relationship is so wonderful and ours isn't?
00:56:58For starters, we enjoy spending time together.
00:57:05So do we.
00:57:06And I've seen you guys ignore each other for hours doing totally different things.
00:57:11It's called parallel play.
00:57:14Yeah, toddlers do that.
00:57:16Not as well as we do.
00:57:19You believe this guy has to be the best at everything?
00:57:21So what? Why do you even care?
00:57:23Oh, listen to them. Not even married and the honeymoon's over.
00:57:29Whatever, you can't even go on a date without checking your relationship agreement.
00:57:33If you've got a problem basing a relationship on a contract,
00:57:37I'd like to tell you about thirteen plucky colonies
00:57:40that entered a relationship agreement called the U.S. Constitution.
00:57:44And it may not be cool to say so,
00:57:46but I think that love affair is still pretty hot today.
00:57:51It's a good thing I'm not wearing flag underwear right now,
00:57:53because there's about to be a fire.
00:58:00Oh, it's beautiful.
00:58:02Oh, the girls really did a nice job.
00:58:05Oh, I know I wasn't into this before,
00:58:07but I'm so glad I get to take you to your first prom.
00:58:10What makes you think I'm into this?
00:58:13What makes you think I didn't go to my prom? I went.
00:58:16Well, who'd you go with?
00:58:17I took a little lady I like to call loneliness.
00:58:22Aww.
00:58:23It's alright. We ended up having a threesome with her friend Humiliation.
00:58:29Well, if I would have been there and saw you alone, I would have asked you to dance.
00:58:32No, you wouldn't have.
00:58:33Well, you don't know that.
00:58:34It was before my growth spurt.
00:58:36What? That already happened?
00:58:40Very funny.
00:58:41Well, you wouldn't have asked me either.
00:58:42I would have asked you.
00:58:45In my head.
00:58:48On the way home.
00:58:50While I was having a good cry.
00:58:54I've invented a science joke. Would you like to hear it?
00:58:57Sure.
00:58:58How many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
00:59:02How many?
00:59:03Who cares? He stole the idea and doesn't deserve his own joke.
00:59:08Is that really true?
00:59:09Of course.
00:59:10That's how you know it's a good joke.
00:59:12It not only entertains, it informs.
00:59:16Hey, sorry to interrupt.
00:59:18Yeah, Barry.
00:59:19How many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
00:59:22Did you know Edison didn't actually invent the light bulb?
00:59:28What do you want, Barry?
00:59:30Just wanted to drop this off as a little thank you for Amy.
00:59:33What's this for?
00:59:34Your idea really helped me out.
00:59:36My white cone quantization paper's online already.
00:59:39The response has been amazing.
00:59:41Well, that's fascinating. I can't wait to read it.
00:59:43You don't know me as well.
00:59:45Please email it to sheldon at bazinga dot biz.
00:59:49Why dot biz?
00:59:50Because I just gave you the business.
00:59:53And also bazinga dot com was taken.
01:00:06you