Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00First there was PlayStation, a.k.a. PS1.
00:03Then there's PS2, PS3, and now PS4.
00:06And that makes sense.
00:07You'd think after Xbox, there'd be Xbox 2.
00:10But no.
00:11Next came Xbox 360.
00:14And now, after 360, comes Xbox One.
00:18Why one?
00:20Maybe that's how many seconds of thought they put into naming it.
00:24Can you get the butter, please?
00:26However, with the Xbox One, I can control my entire entertainment system using voice commands.
00:32Up until now, I've had to use Leonard.
00:36Then get the other one. Pass the butter?
00:38Hang on.
00:40I don't feel like you're taking this dilemma seriously.
00:44Fine, Sheldon.
00:46You have my undivided attention.
00:48Okay, now, the PS4 is more angular and sleek-looking.
00:53No way!
00:54It's true.
00:55But the larger size of the Xbox One may keep it from overheating.
00:59You wouldn't want your gaming system to overheat.
01:02You absolutely would not.
01:04And furthermore, the Xbox One now comes with a Kinect included.
01:08Included?
01:09Yes.
01:11Not sold separately.
01:13Although, the PS4 uses cool new GDDR5 RAM,
01:17while the Xbox One is still using the conventional DDR3 memory.
01:20Why would they still be using DDR3?
01:22Are they nuts?
01:25See, that's what I thought.
01:27But then, they go and throw in an ES RAM buffer.
01:30Wait a second. Who's they?
01:32The Xbox.
01:33You're kidding!
01:34No, I am not!
01:36This ES RAM buffer should totally bridge the 100 gigabit per second bandwidth gap between the two RAM types.
01:41This is a nightmare. How will you ever make a decision?
01:44You see, I don't know. What should I do?
01:46Please pass the butter!
01:49I'm proud of you, Sheldon.
01:51Yeah, I'm proud of me, too.
01:53I've done all my research, I conducted an informal poll,
01:56and I've arrived at the rock-solid certainty I've made the right choice.
01:59Well, that's gotta be a good feeling.
02:01Oh, it is.
02:03Although...
02:04Oh, crap.
02:06You know, I had the same feeling when I made my dad buy a Betamax instead of a VHS.
02:11You were just a little kid.
02:13Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong phone.
02:15You were just a little kid.
02:17Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong format to record the McNeil-Lehrer report.
02:22And I also was certain that HD-DVD would win out over Blu-ray.
02:26How old were you then?
02:28Old enough to know better.
02:30You know, and now that I think about it,
02:32I stood in front of a case of iPods and I bought a Zune.
02:39What's a Zune?
02:41Yep, exactly.
02:44It's an MP3 player brought to us by the makers of Xbox.
02:48No, what are you doing?
02:50No, pick that back up. You know it's good. You did the research.
02:53But what if I'm wrong?
02:55You know what?
02:57How about I buy it for you?
02:59How about I buy you both?
03:01You know I only have one slot available on my entertainment center.
03:05Then I'll buy you a new entertainment center.
03:07Yeah, okay, sure.
03:09But which one?
03:11How about this?
03:13I've heard that if you flip a coin,
03:15it will tell you how you actually feel
03:17because you'll either be disappointed or excited by the outcome.
03:20Interesting.
03:22So heads, it's PS4. Tails, it's Xbox One.
03:26All right, I'll try.
03:32What is it?
03:34A quarter.
03:37Could have given it back to me. That was a choice.
03:45On the one hand, the Xbox One has a better camera,
03:49but the PS4 has a removable hard drive.
03:52Thoughts?
03:55I can't feel my legs.
04:00Oh, I'm sorry, guys, but the store closed five minutes ago.
04:04But I haven't decided yet.
04:06You have to come back tomorrow. The registers are closed.
04:13Let's get you some food. You'll feel better after you eat.
04:16Okay.
04:18What do you want? Like, Thai food? A burger?
04:22I don't know!
04:35I don't like a quarter!
04:40I'm back.
04:42I'm sorry I yelled at you. It's not your fault.
04:46What happened?
04:48Well, I went over to Mike's to make up with him.
04:51Yeah, no, I know that part.
04:53But he had already moved on.
04:56Already? That was quick.
04:58That's what I said to the woman who had her legs wrapped around his neck!
05:03Oh, Penny, I am so sorry.
05:06How could he do that?
05:08Well, you know, you did throw an 80-gig iPod.
05:12Yeah, no, how could he do that?
05:14I swear to God, I am done with guys like that.
05:18You know, macho, with the perfect body and the hair and the money.
05:22Yeah, that must get old quick.
05:25You know, just once, I would like to go out with someone
05:29Just once, I would like to go out with someone
05:31who is nice and honest and who actually cares about me.
05:38What about me?
05:40What about you, what?
05:44What about if you went out with me?
05:49Are you asking me out?
05:52Um, yes, I am asking you out.
05:57Wow.
06:00I was just going off your comment about the nice guy.
06:02No, I know, I got that.
06:03And honest.
06:04Yeah, totally.
06:05So, but it's no big deal.
06:06Yes.
06:08Yes, what?
06:10Yes, I will go out with you.
06:16Really?
06:19Yeah.
06:21Why not? I mean, what do I have to lose?
06:24Yeah.
06:27That's the spirit.
06:38Hi.
06:39Hi.
06:40Come on in.
06:44You look very nice.
06:45Thank you. So do you.
06:51I made an eight o'clock reservation.
06:53Okay, yeah, great.
06:54Listen, um, maybe we should talk first.
07:03You're watching football?
07:05There's no fooling you.
07:09Now, what is this SACS statistic they put up there?
07:12All I know about SACS is my mother shops there.
07:18SACS, SACS.
07:21It's football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.
07:26Huh.
07:29Scrimmage.
07:32The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offense from the defense.
07:39Oh.
07:41Sheldon knows football?
07:44Apparently.
07:45I mean, Quidditch, sure, but football?
07:49Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
07:52I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas.
07:55Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football.
07:59In fact, every form of football except the original, European football.
08:04Most Texans believe to be a commie plot.
08:09Unbelievable.
08:10If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.
08:19So, you could teach me?
08:22Football or chicken fried meats?
08:26Football.
08:27I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don't want to look like an idiot.
08:30I want to blend in.
08:32You want to blend in with Penny's friends? I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
08:37Come on, Sheldon, please teach me football. It'll be fun.
08:40That's exactly what my father said.
08:43Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college.
08:49Longest seven years of my life.
08:53Please, I'm asking you as a friend.
08:57Are you making this a tier one friendship request?
09:01Yes.
09:04Fine.
09:05I really appreciate this.
09:07Yeah, yeah. Alright, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.
09:11I'm sorry?
09:13That's how my father always began our football conversations.
09:16And if you'd like, after the game, I'll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.
09:34Oh, look how cute you were.
09:36Amy, please, of course I was cute. Look how I turned out.
09:41Hello, Sheldon.
09:42Hello, Sheldon.
09:44If you're watching this, I assume something bad has happened.
09:47Something unfortunate and unforeseen.
09:51Something that's making you question everything.
09:55I'm so smart.
09:57Now just to make sure it's really you watching this and not an imposter, what am I thinking of?
10:03On the count of three. One, two, three.
10:07Robot monkey butler.
10:11Okay, good.
10:13Should I leave you two alone?
10:16No! This is going to be inspiring. You should watch.
10:20Sheldon, never forget, no matter how bad things seem, you can always...
10:29What? What? No!
10:32My dad taped over it at one of his stupid high school football games.
10:36Sorry.
10:37You know, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
10:40Is there anything I can do?
10:42Yes. You can build me a time machine so I can go back and tell my younger self to give up
10:46because nothing's going to work out the way he wants.
10:52I was thinking a nice cup of leaf soup.
10:55You're looking for a job.
10:57A menial job.
11:00Like yours.
11:03Why thank you for noticing.
11:06I'm menial employee of the month.
11:11Do you have a particular field in mind?
11:13I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race
11:18have spent their lives laboring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters
11:22until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged.
11:29Do you have anything like that?
11:33No.
11:35Shouldn't you check your database?
11:38No.
11:43You didn't really type.
11:46I didn't really have to.
11:49So how about construction?
11:51Oh, that would be good.
11:53Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working class fellows and I
11:58sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis.
12:03No, no. This is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead.
12:09I could do that.
12:10Good.
12:11One question.
12:12Yes?
12:13What's sheetrock?
12:15Moving on.
12:17How about doing deliveries for a florist?
12:20That seems acceptable.
12:22Do you have your own car?
12:23I don't drive.
12:25Of course you don't.
12:28Mr. Cooper, let me just ask you a question.
12:31What was your last job?
12:33Senior theoretical particle physicist at Caltech focusing on M-theory, or in layman's terms, string theory.
12:40I see.
12:42Just give me a second.
12:47Security!
12:58Hey, Sheldon.
12:59Hello.
13:00Hello.
13:06Oh, my God, you look amazing.
13:09I find you guilty of murder because you are killing it.
13:13Well, technically, the Supreme Court wouldn't determine a defendant's guilt or innocence in a criminal matter.
13:18They could only reverse or revamp a jury's conviction based on a constitutional or statutory issue.
13:26Why are you laughing?
13:28His statement was factually correct.
13:32You're sitting in my spot.
13:35You don't have a spot.
13:36What is wrong with you today?
13:38Maybe he's cranky because he's off his bathroom schedule.
13:43Well, I can understand why that would make someone irritable.
13:46Interesting fact.
13:47Irritable comes from the Latin, susceptible to anger.
13:52Just because I used a word doesn't mean I want its etymology.
13:54Interesting fact.
13:55Etymology comes from the Greek.
13:57You are being so annoying.
13:58Stop it.
14:00Why are you two laughing?
14:03Sheldon, he's being you.
14:05He's dressed as you for Halloween.
14:19Oh.
14:21Well, so you're not laughing at him.
14:23You're laughing at me.
14:25We're not laughing at you.
14:26We're laughing with you.
14:28But I'm not laughing.
14:31Then the first one.
14:34Let's go over our emotional responses one last time.
14:36Okay.
14:38Professor Tupperman is dead, and that makes us...
14:41Sad.
14:44The fact that there are so many people here tonight doesn't make us cranky and claustrophobic.
14:48It makes us...
14:49Glad.
14:52Giving Mrs. Davis the box set of roots was...
14:55Bad.
14:58However...
14:59No.
15:00Fine, bad.
15:02Unbelievable.
15:04You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee.
15:08You're here.
15:09Excuse me.
15:10I'm here to pay my respects to Professor Tupperware, or whatever his name is.
15:14So am I.
15:15His passing makes me feel...
15:17Bad.
15:19Well, well, well, Sheldon.
15:21Fancy meeting you here.
15:22I guess the train store in Glendale wasn't having a cotillion after all.
15:27And you...
15:28You said you weren't coming here either.
15:30I would take accident.
15:31You don't know what I said.
15:34I'd like to know why Penny's here.
15:36I'm here to support my man, just like you.
15:38What are you going to do?
15:40Take people's drink orders and get them wrong?
15:45Do it.
15:46Do it.
16:03What, did she do it yet?
16:07She plans on flirting with members of the tenure committee to further Leonard's cause.
16:11Well, that's a fine how-do-you-do.
16:14Don't just stand there.
16:15Take your breasts out.
16:20Ooh, meerkat fight.
16:24You're all wasting your time.
16:25Sheldon is the most qualified for the job,
16:27and no amount of gravity-defying bosom is going to change that.
16:32Seriously, is that tape?
16:34Like, how are they staying up like that?
16:37Way to hit him with both barrels.
16:41You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
16:43Using women to advance your cause with sexuality,
16:46and whatever Amy plans on doing.
16:50Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit?
16:54Yes.
16:55Okay, because that was not clear.
16:56Sheldon!
17:00What?
17:01That was ambiguous.
17:02Well, now it's biguous. What are you going to do about it?
17:06You can talk some smack about his mother.
17:08Yes, of course. He wouldn't like that at all.
17:11Last night, I was feeling in need of sexual release
17:14when I happened to come across your mother.
17:19Okay, okay, guys, what are we doing here?
17:21I don't know what you're doing,
17:22but I was about to insinuate that I had coitus with Raj's mother for a dollar.
17:29No, you do what you want,
17:30but I don't want to lose my friends over tenure.
17:33Friends are forever.
17:34So is tenure.
17:36I'm just going to go home and let my work speak for itself.
17:39You're right. This is beneath me.
17:41Like your mother was last night.
17:46How about it, Sheldon?
17:48What do you think I should do?
17:51Well, you'll always be an academic success,
17:54but I seriously question whether you'll make any more friends.
17:58I seriously question whether you'll make any more friends.
18:04Well, I don't want any more of it. Let's go.
18:07Are you kidding? I would love to babysit for you.
18:10I could not ask you to do that.
18:12Nonsense. Children love me.
18:13Something about me just makes them laugh and laugh.
18:24No, we cannot lose to that jerk.
18:28Yeah, screw it. I'm going in.
18:30Hold on.
18:32I believe screw it, I'm going in is what I said to your mother last night.
18:39Don't worry, I didn't really say that.
18:41I find the concept of coitus ridiculous and off-putting.
18:47Should have taken my breasts out while I had the chance.
18:51Mrs. Davis?
18:53Mrs. Davis?
18:54Mrs. Davis?
18:57I know you're in there. I saw your car in the parking lot.
19:02What?
19:03I just found out that you recommended myself, Dr. Hofstadter,
19:07and Dr. Cuther Polly to be on the short list for tenure.
19:11Well, despite your quirks,
19:12the three of you are very accomplished in your respective fields.
19:17I don't know what you mean by quirks, but, um...
19:20I do want to express my gratitude.
19:23You didn't bring another gift, did you?
19:24No, no. I learned my lesson.
19:26I understand that was inappropriate.
19:29Good.
19:30Anyway, thank you.
19:32You're welcome.
19:38Why are you up?
19:39How am I supposed to sleep?
19:41I've been married less than 24 hours and my wife isn't speaking to me.
19:46Perhaps you can think of this in a more positive light.
19:49In one day, you've managed to do what it takes many couples decades to achieve.
19:55Knock, knock, knock.
19:58Hi.
19:59Hey.
20:00You couldn't sleep either?
20:02Of course not.
20:03I mean, either.
20:04No, but I just had a tickle in my throat.
20:08Not profound marital problems.
20:11What are we gonna do?
20:12I don't know.
20:13Please, tell me how I can fix it.
20:15I'm glad you asked.
20:18As I see it, there's a simple solution.
20:21Your lips had a dalliance with the lips of another woman.
20:24It seems only logical that to restore balance to the relationship,
20:28you should find another man and dally with him.
20:31And by dally, I mean some hardcore mouth-on-mouth action.
20:35That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
20:38I actually think he's on to something.
20:40You can't be serious.
20:42Because I messed up and made out with a girl, you're gonna do the same with a random guy?
20:48I'm currently single.
20:52That's true, you are.
20:55What is happening?
20:59I will tell you what is happening.
21:01I am saving my best friend's marriage.
21:12Amy is the one constant I can count on, and now she's changing.
21:15It's just a haircut and some clothes.
21:17No, it's the last straw.
21:19I can't take anymore.
21:22Oh!
21:28Can you believe it? They finally fixed the elevator.
21:34This is a nightmare.
21:36What's with him?
21:37He won a Nobel Prize and his wife looks amazing.
21:40Oh, yeah, got it.
21:52How did you get down here?
21:53The elevator, it's really fast.
21:57I need to be alone right now, don't try to follow me.
21:59All right, you need a ride?
22:00That'd be great, thank you.
22:02I was thinking, without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would still live across from him.
22:07And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.
22:11I know.
22:12I know.
22:13I know.
22:14I know.
22:15I know.
22:16I know.
22:17I know.
22:18I know.
22:19I know.
22:20We all know what that would mean.
22:22We do?
22:27Hey, Sheldon.
22:28Hello.
22:31Doing laundry?
22:38Of course I'm doing laundry.
22:39Saturday night is laundry night, and I'm in a laundry room, so I believe your inference is justified.
22:45My inference is justified.
22:47Sheldon, you are so funny.
22:53Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty.
22:59Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who's wearing them.
23:05Okay, that's enough.
23:06Keep going.
23:11So, what do you think?
23:15A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
23:21Sheldon, I need you.
23:23To what?
23:27To take me.
23:28I'm not taking you anywhere until you put on a shirt.
23:33Come on, Sheldon.
23:34You and me, right here.
23:36Penny, for the thousandth time, I'm saving myself for someone special.
23:41You know, perhaps a cute, bespectacled neuroscientist.
23:45With hair the color of mud.
23:49I think I know how to change your mind.
23:56I was okay with it.
24:02How's it going, Sheldon?
24:03Actually, much better.
24:05Oh, good. Is the baby born yet?
24:07I don't know. I just got back.
24:09Where'd you go?
24:10My mother asked me to get some towels.
24:13I took advantage of the vague request and went to Bed Bath & Beyond.
24:21Excuse me, I'm on the phone.
24:26So rude.
24:30Here's another one.
24:31Penny, if it weren't for Sheldon, you never would have met comic book legend Stan Lee.
24:38Great.
24:42Well, at least Leonard, Howard, and I would have always been friends.
24:46Hey, how come you three never got an apartment together?
24:48We talked about it, but Howard was in a pretty serious relationship with his mom.
24:54I lived with her to save money.
24:56Yeah, you didn't have to buy groceries because you were breastfeeding.
25:02So I guess if it weren't for me, you'd still be living with her, huh?
25:05Not exactly.
25:06What do you mean, not exactly?
25:08Well, things would be a little different.
25:12Howard, where's my lunch? I'm starving!
25:17I know you're starving. The neighbors know you're starving.
25:21There's starving people in Africa who know you're starving!
25:26That's it? There's not enough food!
25:29Well, you cleaned out Earth. I don't know what else to do!
25:35How is this any different?
25:37You didn't let me finish. Here you go, Mother.
25:42You're a good boy, Howard! Such a good boy!
25:53Wait, did she die or did you kill her?
25:59Tomato, tomato, the important thing is she's dead.
26:03Hey, so how come you two didn't move in together?
26:06This guy wanted a place of his own because he was sure he was going to be a ladies' man.
26:11Yeah, I was wrong.
26:15But I do think you and I would have had a great time.
26:17Come on, Leonard! Dinner!
26:20Coming!
26:23Hang on. Why would I be fat?
26:27You'd have no girlfriend to see you naked.
26:30You'd try to fill the void with food.
26:32And I'm an enabler who wants deep-fried a pancake.
26:36Why can't you be fat, too?
26:40What do you want to do for dessert?
26:44I'm hungry.
26:47I'm hungry.
26:49Dessert?
26:53I think there's still half a cake from breakfast.
26:58No, there's not.
27:05Hey, guys!
27:08Stop!
27:10What are you doing?
27:12I just wanted to be in anyone's story.