Gogglebox S24 E13
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Is that poo?
00:02Is that poo?
00:04No.
00:06No.
00:10Did you hear that?
00:12There'll be more, listen.
00:16That's not poo.
00:18It's always me.
00:26Here we go.
00:28What are you doing?
00:30Oh, she's a chicken nugget.
00:32Isn't it embarrassing, Merlin?
00:36Oh, kiss.
00:38That's a bit forward.
00:40This is raunchy, innit?
00:42Who's in for the finger this week, innit?
00:46It's so bad, it's actually good.
00:48What just happened?
00:50Siri, call Ofcom.
00:52In the week Brain Rot was revealed
00:54as the Oxford Word of the Year,
00:56we enjoyed lots
00:58of great telly.
01:00Denise Van Outen was showing us
01:02her tips on Channel 4.
01:04I'm on a mission
01:06to see how we can heat our homes for less
01:08this winter.
01:10I, sometimes, if I am cold
01:12and I'm cooking my tea in the oven,
01:14I'll open the oven door just to get a blast
01:16on my face, take the chill off.
01:18No, I'll leave the oven door open.
01:20When we've finished cooking our tea,
01:22oven door's open, air fryer drawer out.
01:24Over the air fryer drawer.
01:26Robots were going
01:28rogue on Netflix.
01:30I have an internal UV light that destroys
01:32all bacteria.
01:34Can I see?
01:38Oh, teeth have gone blue.
01:40Turn the light off, see if mine light up in the dark.
01:46And things went all posh on Discovery+.
01:48Ladies prefer to be given
01:50a pair of earrings to book
01:52on their distinguished ancestors.
01:54I was absolutely amused by this.
01:56I know the way to your heart, Natty.
01:58Be a side of smoked salmon.
02:00No, it wouldn't.
02:02I'd be furious if you gave me that.
02:04I don't eat salmon anymore because of the
02:06cruelty involved in producing it.
02:08Caught that wrong, didn't I?
02:18Do you know what
02:20really gets on my wick?
02:22When Nat puts
02:24washing up in the sink.
02:26How many times have you mentioned this to Nat about him
02:28leaving the pots in the sink?
02:30Well, I haven't, actually.
02:32Well, how does he know to correct his behaviour?
02:34Sisters Ellie and Izzy.
02:40Hello?
02:42Hello?
02:44Can I just ask you to do something for me, please?
02:46What?
02:48The dirty pots.
02:50Please can you not pile them up
02:52in the sink in the washing up bowl?
02:54Can you either just wash them up straight away
02:56or just leave them on the side?
02:58Because it's just my pet hate
03:00when the bowls
03:02pile up and it gets all
03:04horrible water.
03:06He's gone off!
03:08Oh!
03:18That's what he thinks of that.
03:20On Monday night,
03:22Discovery Plus made
03:24former MP Jacob Rees-Mogg
03:26the unlikely star of a
03:28brand new reality show.
03:30It's him who falls asleep in Parliament.
03:32Oh, that lanky twat.
03:34The MP fell asleep.
03:36This is what I mean.
03:38This is what I want to see. What type of rugs have they got?
03:40Mahogany bookcase in the back.
03:42Have they got a dado rail?
03:44I just want to know these things.
03:46Morning, how are you?
03:50I can sort of see you.
03:52Oh, him!
03:54Oh, him, look at him!
03:56It's slightly like Big Brother is watching you.
04:00He's one of baddies, this Jacob Rees-Mogg.
04:02Jacob Rees-Mogg, whenever I see him,
04:04I can't unsee it.
04:08Whoa!
04:24Six months ago,
04:26they agreed to make a reality show.
04:28The United States of America
04:30gets the Kardashians
04:32and we get the Rees-Moggs.
04:36This is going to be the reality show
04:38that we never knew we needed.
04:40Do you know what they're out?
04:42Just says to me, screams to me, dusty.
04:44I bet it's dusty as... Smells like moths.
04:46Yeah.
04:48We got together in about
04:50July 2005.
04:52You've got to dress like that!
04:54No, I... Yes, I do.
04:56Jacob would call it courting.
04:58You think we're posh, look at them.
05:00They're the proper posh twats.
05:02The talk like that, yeah.
05:04You can't tell what...
05:06The mouth is moving.
05:08If I'm honest, I couldn't really think about anything else
05:10other than Jacob at that stage.
05:12And he used to give me a Jacob Rees-Snog.
05:16I was taking her out for dinner on her birthday
05:18and I tried to get from a bookshop
05:20Veronica Wedgwood's excellent biography
05:22of Thomas Wentworth
05:24and unfortunately didn't have any copies.
05:26Give him the smooth criminal.
05:28I never got you Veronica Wedgwood, did I?
05:30Sorry about that. I don't think you've ever
05:32bought me a book. And instead I went
05:34into Fortnum & Mason and bought a pair of earrings.
05:36You see, now, Fortnum & Mason
05:38to him is probably like B&M's to us.
05:40Yeah. I hate how they talk.
05:42Honestly,
05:44it drives me insane.
05:46Ladies prefer to be given a pair
05:48of earrings to a book on their
05:50distinguished ancestors. I was absolutely
05:52amused by this.
05:54Oh, God, I'm laughing. No.
05:56I sound like a commoner, so I took her out, right?
05:58But she didn't want
06:00a book, so I got her earrings, didn't I?
06:02Like, how do you understand?
06:04He's a politician and he's a millionaire.
06:06Are you OK?
06:08Where are we driving to, Jacob?
06:10I'm heading Somerset to start my election campaign.
06:12He drives a Jag? Oh, you've got a Jag?
06:14Oh, gee, I'm just like him.
06:20Is that their house? Oh, wow.
06:22Welcome to Gurney Court.
06:24What's it called? Gurney Court.
06:26This is what I want to see more of.
06:28I don't want to see what he does, I want to see his house.
06:30This is our home in Somerset,
06:32the main family home.
06:34My house is the main family home,
06:36the holiday home.
06:38The weekend home.
06:40And for the next
06:42few weeks during the period of the general election,
06:44I'm going to be living here full-time.
06:46Fuck.
06:48Isn't that a shame? I know.
06:50Imagine that. Oh, Sean, hello.
06:52How are you?
06:54First time he's ever met him in his life.
06:56Who are you? Sean, how are you?
06:58He looks after the Bentley,
07:00he does everything that needs to be done
07:02in a busy household.
07:04I go out and wash the cars, don't I?
07:06You do, yes, cos we haven't got Sean to do it, have we?
07:08We've got Sean.
07:10Unfortunately, he doesn't do that much.
07:12I'm going out to get some graffiti.
07:16Postrat!
07:18You didn't do that, did you, Dad?
07:20Some dimwit thought they'd
07:22write some rubbish on the sign.
07:24Outside Jacob's mum's house.
07:26Outside Jacob's mum's house?
07:28I bet he gets sick of doing that.
07:30Why don't you just get a new sign?
07:32I had my poster defaced.
07:34What does it say now?
07:36That's his mum, innit? That looks like his mum.
07:38He must have had to clamber up,
07:40so either they were tall or...
07:42There's an angry socialist giant
07:44who'll be very easy to spot
07:46who has a very vulgar
07:48knowledge of language.
07:50Sounds like me.
07:52A socialist giant with a knowledge
07:54of vulgar language.
07:56Best thing to have done is just took it down and smashed it up.
07:58Saved us all a problem.
08:02He's like,
08:04next time, do that.
08:06I don't know why they didn't put this out before the election,
08:08because they'd have got everybody on sign with this.
08:10Definitely.
08:12You know...
08:14Do you know my phone, you know?
08:16I'm going to have to get rid of some of these photos.
08:18I'm going to have to put them in the cloud.
08:20Do you put yours in the cloud?
08:22I put mine in a photo album.
08:24In the attic. The ones I want to save, you mean.
08:26No, I put them in the attic.
08:28Best friends Jenny and Lee.
08:30What's a cloud?
08:32Your cloud on your phone.
08:34You don't put them in the attic.
08:36You just put them in the cloud.
08:38I don't think I've got a cloud.
08:40I don't know.
08:42Frigging hell,
08:44I'd go into fresh air if I had to do it.
08:46Never mind a cloud.
08:50So all your photos
08:52are in your attic?
08:54Yeah, in an album.
08:56I don't know what you mean, Lee.
08:58On Tuesday, online criminals
09:00were getting caught out on BBC One.
09:02Do you know what?
09:04You can't move for scams now, can you?
09:06I wish somebody intercepted the Taylor Swift
09:08and got scammed for me.
09:10You didn't.
09:12Somebody said to me the other day,
09:14don't ever give anybody your password.
09:16I don't even know it myself.
09:18I've got to look it up.
09:20This is Scam Interceptors.
09:22Scam Interceptors?
09:24So is this intercepting scams, basically?
09:26I should hope so.
09:28Yeah, that's what I mean.
09:30You see, this is Rav Wilding's
09:32bread and butter, this.
09:34If people weren't getting scammed,
09:36it's better sweet for him.
09:38Yeah, he's feeding off
09:40somebody's misfortune.
09:42Oh, you've been an idiot and given your pension away.
09:44I'll have that for telly.
09:46So, Mark, you've been going through
09:48the Scam Interceptors' inbox,
09:50and we've got an interesting message here.
09:52A really interesting message.
09:54Have they won the Nigerian lottery?
09:56Hi, Rav, I'm Karen, and I'm a big, big
09:58Donny Osmond fan.
10:00A what? Donny Osmond? What's that?
10:02The actual Donny Osmond scammed me.
10:04I don't know what happens.
10:06Donny Osmond, and he's like, yeah, so?
10:08Yeah, I'm Donny Osmond. I'd do it again.
10:10And this girl
10:12on Instagram...
10:14She's got Instagram.
10:16..said she was
10:18his social media
10:20management. Social media for
10:22Donny Osmond? Yeah, he's got a
10:24big following. Ah, crafty
10:26buggers, isn't he, dear?
10:28Because there's loads of fans out there, see,
10:30he would be straight into that, wouldn't he?
10:32I had a video of Donny
10:34asking for 20
10:36of his fans to get to know them
10:38better, so I started talking
10:40to him. Oh, no, she's been catfished
10:42by Donny Osmond.
10:44We struck up a friendship.
10:46Yeah, so she thinks
10:48she's friends with Donny Osmond now.
10:50Oh, love.
10:52He's from the bloody 70s.
10:54He's knocking on a bit now. If you'd have asked me 50
10:56years ago, I'd have said yes.
10:58He sent me two videos, which I thought
11:00was absolutely
11:02out of this world.
11:04Oh, dear. Hang on a minute, so she
11:06got videos of him? AI.
11:08No. Yeah,
11:10AI. Guarantee.
11:12But he started asking us for this
11:14money, £10,000.
11:16£10,000?! Wow. Jeez.
11:18Donny Osmond would never ask his fans
11:20for money. He wouldn't.
11:22Rav, could you please have a look at
11:24the videos and see
11:26if they are Donny?
11:28Oh, they're not going to be Donny, love, are they?
11:30Come on. Hello, Karen, I know you're
11:32sleeping now. OK, that looks like Donny.
11:34Here's a video I promised to send to you
11:36and I hope you like it. Does look like him?
11:38That is quite real. Yeah.
11:40To be fair, though, if you're older,
11:42you're going to believe that was Donny,
11:44innit? At first glance,
11:46it certainly looks like Donny
11:48Osmond. Do you think his head looks too big?
11:50He might have a big head.
11:52Well, this is it. You don't know, do you? Two things go on
11:54there. His face has been
11:56superimposed onto someone else's
11:58body here. Has it?
12:00It's something that'd be called deepfaking.
12:02Deepfaking. Well, we've heard
12:04deepfakes. Someone got deepfaked
12:06on Corrie. Really?
12:08Yeah. Mark and I look at the other clip
12:10Karen's been sent in finer
12:12detail. Oh, it's another one. Good morning,
12:14my beautiful sweet Karen. How are you doing today?
12:16Do you not feel like his mouth
12:18is so strange?
12:22Doesn't it look like that?
12:24Hope you're having a lovely day.
12:26Where's his ears?
12:28It's always a sunny morning
12:30here. I'm wishing you good health.
12:32And as he's talking, if you really
12:34focus on the mouth, you can see some blurring.
12:36Yeah! Oh, I got it!
12:38Yeah!
12:40I know, yeah,
12:42because I've been a victim to deepfaking.
12:44That's how.
12:46Well, if it was somebody like
12:48El Divo, you'd want to
12:50give him money, wouldn't you?
12:52No, I wouldn't want to give El Divo
12:54money.
12:56No, but if you thought they were in a bit
12:58of trouble, like... Oh, yeah, right.
13:00Yeah. What, El Divo?
13:02How would you like it if there was a deepfake
13:04about you? He is. He's fucking Prime
13:06Minister. Oh, yeah, kids.
13:08Yeah!
13:18In North London... You know, now that it's
13:20really cold, Amira, I swear
13:22to God, if you catch a cold
13:24and make everyone ill in the house like
13:26you always do... How
13:28are you going to threaten someone to not catch a
13:30cold? That's something you can't really help.
13:32Yes, you can.
13:34My immune
13:36system being weak, yeah, it's not
13:38my fault. It is, because
13:40you need to work on that.
13:42I need to work on it? Yeah, there's certain
13:44things you can do. Let me put that on my
13:46to-do list. Work on your
13:48immune system. Yeah.
13:50It's not my fault. I'm just around a lot of sick
13:52people. That's what I mean.
13:54Keep your distance. I do distance myself.
13:56I'm not in people's faces.
13:58My God, what do you think I'm like?
14:00Hi. Hi, guys.
14:02Thank you. Yeah.
14:04Exactly.
14:06My God.
14:08On Thursday night, Channel 4 was
14:10full of thrifty tips to keep us
14:12warm this winter.
14:14Oh, you better have a listen in to this.
14:16Aye? Aye, I know.
14:18We've had the allowance taken off us.
14:20Now that I'm in the process of buying my own house,
14:22and I could potentially be in my
14:24own house in the new year, I need to listen
14:26to this. Good deal. Last year was one
14:28of the most brutally expensive winters
14:30on record. We bloody was, wasn't it?
14:32Aye, we bloody know. Christ, that was Bilbo
14:34Sky, aye, last year, wasn't it?
14:36You know, I was on the standard variable
14:38throughout the heating cost crisis,
14:40and it was quite a white-knuckle
14:42ride, I'll be honest.
14:44We're on a mission to see how
14:46we can heat our homes for less this
14:48winter. Oh, marvellous.
14:50Well, this is a very timely programme.
14:54How to heat your home for less
14:56this winter. Go and live at somebody
14:58else's.
15:00I'm a keep-my-direct-debit-the-
15:02same-all-year-round girl.
15:04I just love how you live. I pay more in the summer
15:06to cover the expense in the winter,
15:08but it...
15:10Here in Britain, we pay some of
15:12the highest prices for electricity
15:14in the whole world. Why?
15:16Do you know what I love over here,
15:18aye? Considering my energy
15:20is 100% green
15:22offshore wind energy,
15:24since when's the price of fucking wind
15:26gone up? Building up more of our own
15:28renewable energy sources in Britain
15:30could be a real game-changer.
15:32I think it looks awful on your house, doesn't it?
15:34Bloody solar panels. Do they work?
15:36Well, aye, they work.
15:38I would like some solar panels, just to say I've
15:40But that's not going to help with the electricity bills, is it?
15:42Of course it is. It's giving you home energy
15:44from the sun.
15:46So you can charge your phone through the solar panels.
15:48No, you don't plug your phone
15:50into the roof. What?
15:52No.
15:54What? What I want to know is
15:56which tips and hacks are really going
15:58to save me cash in my home
16:00as I get winter ready. Oh, I wouldn't
16:02have a smart meter. No, I don't
16:04want one of them. Too much bad news about that.
16:06The trouble is, you'll be looking at it all the time,
16:08thinking, oh, why?
16:10Oh, Christ, you'll be there all day.
16:12For a start, I'm bleeding my radiators
16:14using this little tool.
16:16Oh, a what? A radiator
16:18bleeder? I'm not bleeding radiators.
16:20You did that the other week. I plugged the radiators
16:22the other day. I'm one step ahead of Denise here.
16:24I can take a radiator off, empty it,
16:26flush it through, and put it
16:28back on again. Ditto. Mm-hm.
16:30Bleeding your radiators can make them heat up more
16:32efficiently, which will help bring down
16:34your bills. This is riveting
16:36stuff, guys. Bleeding
16:38radiators. That's because you
16:40don't pay the bills. I wonder if my
16:42dad's ever bled our radiators.
16:44He will have.
16:46Is it something that's, like, well-known?
16:48I'm turning my heating down on the thermostat
16:50by one degree. Just one
16:52degree can save you up to a massive
16:5410%. Oh, no, I
16:56want mine up to 25. Hands
16:58on 25.
17:00Oh, that's too hot, that lid. No wonder
17:02I'm bloody sweating every time I come here.
17:04You know, if you turn your heating down
17:06one degree, it'd be warmer to stand outside.
17:08You know, from
17:1010 degrees tonight.
17:14I just have mine on the frost
17:16stat. One thing
17:18that will send your smart meter into overdrive
17:20is washing and drying clothes throughout
17:22the winter months. Don't talk to me about washing
17:24and drying clothes. That's
17:26all I do. Do you know how many wash pods
17:28I went through last week? How many?
17:3048. No. So,
17:32I always use my tumble dryer.
17:34Well, I always use mine.
17:36I always use mine. Margaret
17:38uses hers in summer.
17:40Really? She will not peg
17:42washing out. She says she's not pegging washing out.
17:44She's just going to pay for a dryer. That's a crime,
17:46isn't it? What about alternative
17:48ways to dry our clothes in winter?
17:50This is a heated airer.
17:52I've got a heated airer.
17:54We've got that one, not you.
17:56We've got that. Yeah, well, we haven't got one
17:58in smart black, Mary. Look how
18:00smart that is. You've got these
18:02covers which go over the top, and then that
18:04can trap the heat. Oh.
18:06Well, we lost the cover, didn't we, Mary?
18:08Yes.
18:10Or did I wear it, pretend to be a
18:12ghost? Do you remember?
18:14Because it was huge, and I wandered
18:16around pretending to be a ghost, making funny
18:18noises, Mary. Do you remember?
18:20Yes. And you weren't amused.
18:24In cold.
18:26Wasn't it cold yesterday? I was freezing.
18:28Frosty, wasn't it? Absolutely freezing.
18:30I didn't go out. We went out with
18:32Betty. Oh, God. With who?
18:34Betty. Who's Betty?
18:36My car. I call it
18:38Betty. You've been in this van too long.
18:40Best friends, Jenny
18:42and Lee. Is it a girl?
18:44Or is it a boy?
18:46It's a girl, Betty. I've classed it as a girl,
18:48Betty. Yeah.
18:50She does good. I pat it.
18:52Even the other week when I was coming back
18:54from Southampton, I went, come on, Betty, you've been good
18:56yesterday. And Steve's looking at me
18:58and went,
19:00are you all right? I know.
19:02I went, don't talk about Betty while you're
19:04in this car, Lee. She can fucking walk.
19:06Well, she might have broke down. Exactly.
19:08She's listening to you. Exactly.
19:10I'm going as nuts as you.
19:14On Tuesday night, we were treated to
19:16some wood chopping on Discovery.
19:18What's this, a reality show about
19:20felling trees? Yeah. Yeah.
19:22Woodsman. This is going to be
19:24real life lumberjacks, isn't it?
19:30Do you remember when Ray cut our tree down?
19:32He sawed it like that across the middle
19:34and it just stayed in the same
19:36place. Did it?
19:38If any type of man was going to turn
19:40me, it'd be a lumberjack.
19:42I'm convinced of that.
19:44I'm sure lesser men could.
19:48In the episode, we met a couple of
19:50tree fellers seeking out their
19:52next job. I know what to look for
19:54and get the best quality lumber.
19:56Oh, they have to pick their specimen
19:58carefully. It's picking the right tree
20:00to get the A grade so they know
20:02they're going to get top dollar for it.
20:08Look at the size of that fucker.
20:10That is one big ass tree. Oh no, actually
20:12I'm sad, I don't like it.
20:14It's like a dinosaur, that thing.
20:1862 grand!
20:20Chop it down, fuck it.
20:22Plant another one, it'll be ready in 100 years.
20:24It'll be ready in about 25,000 years.
20:26Listen, we're in the wrong job here.
20:28I'm going to have a lumberjack in.
20:30Just one tree this size can yield
20:32more than half of the fallers 100 grand
20:34quota. Why are we not trelling
20:36fees?
20:38For that exact reason alone.
20:40But only if it comes down
20:42intact. Oh, they don't want
20:44to damage the tree more
20:46than just cutting it down.
20:48This tree from crashing on the rocks below.
20:50Oh, it's getting a bit sancier now, Julie, look at this.
20:52It's even on maths paper, look.
20:54Graph paper, darling, graph paper.
20:56Chris will have to send it
20:5890 degrees across the side hill
21:00for a much softer landing.
21:02We're going 90 across
21:04the side hill. I've got to cut it
21:06a certain way. So it goes
21:08that way instead of that way.
21:10The goal here is just
21:12trying not to explode this tree
21:14in a bunch of pieces. Oh, here we go.
21:16We're getting chained to wood now.
21:20Oh, look at that little sucker.
21:22I've got bigger knives and bloody
21:24forks than that.
21:26It's only little, isn't it?
21:30This is the undercut, Bonnie.
21:32Even with the undercut in place,
21:34this $60,000 cedar
21:36is still leaning straight down
21:38toward the rocks.
21:40Well, I mean, I'm no
21:42tree specialist, but it doesn't look like
21:44they're doing a good job at the minute. No.
21:50We can hear it.
21:52Can you hear it?
21:54I think so as well.
21:58Look!
22:00No, it's going to fall.
22:02I feel the holding wood
22:04popping and the ground shaking
22:06and this thing's right on the verge of wanting to go.
22:08Yeah, which way is it going, though?
22:10Go!
22:12Go!
22:18Oh! Is it going in the right direction?
22:20Is it going in the right direction?
22:26Timber!
22:30Oh, it's going down the hill.
22:32We don't want it to go that way.
22:34Oh!
22:38Oh, no!
22:40It's down the cliff!
22:42Oh, is it?
22:44It's gone the wrong way!
22:50It's shaked!
22:52Has it shattered into a million pieces?
22:54No, it's literally become...
22:56It's crumpled!
22:58It's useless!
23:00Oh, no.
23:03You fucking dick!
23:07Just start scrapping on the stump.
23:11After three hours of trying to keep this tree in one piece...
23:15It just exploded.
23:17He's right.
23:19..Chris and Brendan are left with a pile of splinters.
23:22Actual value's 12,000 now!
23:25HE LAUGHS
23:27Now, I'm going to say it.
23:29If there was a woman there...
23:31..it would have been intact and polished.
23:33Completely different outcome.
23:35Do you know what, though? That infuriates me. Yeah?
23:38Because that big, massive cedar tree that had obviously been there
23:41for probably hundreds of years,
23:43these two nesbits thinking that they can cut it down
23:47to where they want it to go because it's going to be worth a few quid.
23:51They've been humbled by the tree, but now the tree is no more
23:55and we're suffocating in carbon.
23:57Cheers, lads.
24:02Do you want to see my Christmas stocking I've made, Erwin?
24:05Oh, that's nice. Hey, that'll fit me.
24:07Never mind, it'll fit you. That's a lovely wellie boot, that.
24:10That's an heirloom.
24:11Alison, her husband George and her daughter Helena.
24:15That's nice, that. Like a Nordic boot.
24:17It's stuck. Hey, that is hours and hours of...
24:21Can you get that off? ..workmanship.
24:24It's quite narrow. It's meant to put...
24:27It's not made for length. How big are the toys going to be?
24:30Well, they'll be... Petite.
24:32Ah! It's going to be an orange.
24:34He's going to kick off a coin. If you stick your legs...
24:39Serves you right. Oh, I've strained me leg.
24:42This week, it was a new sci-fi thriller that had us gripped on Netflix.
24:47Do you know what? I just don't have the time to sit down
24:50and watch a film recently.
24:52Are you joking?
24:54I've heard of this, have you? It's Megan Fox as a robot.
25:01Subservience, is it? Mm.
25:05Oh, this sounds good, doesn't it?
25:09Is it out to do with your house falling down?
25:12No, that's subsidence.
25:17Whoa, look at this one. Hey, hey, hey, stay close.
25:20With his wife taken ill in hospital,
25:22we saw Nick and his daughter Isla at a robot convention
25:26looking for some extra home help.
25:28They customise their programming.
25:30Constantly evolving to fit your needs.
25:33The more they learn, the better they serve.
25:36Oh, I wouldn't mind having one of them.
25:38That's the bit that scares me.
25:40The constantly evolving, the AI, the learning algorithm.
25:43Don't like that. What do you think about a bug?
25:47Isla?
25:49Ah! The kid's gone.
25:51Oh, where's Isla?
25:53Does this one belong to you?
25:55Look, look, look. That's an AI robot, isn't it? It's found her.
25:58Would you like me to watch her for you while you finish shopping?
26:02Oh, hello, Megan Fox. Megan Fox!
26:04She's fit. She's a fit robot as well.
26:07Can I have this particular model, please?
26:09I'm going to choose this one, pal.
26:12Our brand-new Aeon series.
26:14The most sophisticated AI on the planet.
26:16And these models are specifically designed for mimicking human emotion.
26:19This is every nerd's dream, isn't it? Megan Fox as a robot.
26:23Daddy, can we get her, please?
26:25Yes, we can. Where's the paperwork, matey?
26:28What would you do if you were on your sickbed in hospital
26:31and you found out that Nat had bought a Megan Fox lookalike robot
26:34to come and do housework?
26:36I'd be absolutely fuming. I'd be wanting to be looked after at home.
26:39I'd be like, get that hospital bed in the living room.
26:41Get a Ryan Gosling to help me out!
26:43SHE LAUGHS
26:46Jesus.
26:47See, like that with having a robot in your gaff, that would scare me.
26:50I'd buy her a pair of slippers with bells on,
26:53so you knew when she was coming.
26:57Your pulse is quick and your blood pressure is high.
27:00Oh, hang on a minute.
27:02God, sexual chemistry with a robot.
27:04No, stop it. Are they having a connection?
27:06Are they having a moment? Fuck off. Yep.
27:08Why are you wearing that?
27:10I don't know.
27:12That's Maggie's.
27:13She's in Maggie's clothes? What the actual...?
27:15Yeah, I know that is a bit, like, seductive. Yeah.
27:18But it's not appropriate to get off.
27:22Oh! Oh, wow.
27:24And then...
27:25SHE LAUGHS
27:27Is that better?
27:28Jack, you're looking quite annoying.
27:30Well...
27:31That ain't going to reduce his blood pressure,
27:34that's going to put it right up.
27:37Oh!
27:39Oh, she's dropped her britches.
27:41Now what's she going to do to him? What do you think?
27:43I don't think that's allowed.
27:45What setting's this?
27:47I can't, I can't, I can't.
27:49I can't do this to him again.
27:51Control or delete, control or delete.
27:53Do not cheat on your wife with a robot.
27:55Don't cheat on your wife with anyone, babe.
27:57Well, yeah, but especially a robot.
27:59Control or delete.
28:01Control or delete.
28:03Control or delete.
28:06Can you do so much for everyone?
28:08Oh, come on.
28:09I mean, if you were having a whole pass in it with Megan Fox,
28:12you wouldn't want a blindfold on, would you?
28:14She's fit as fuck.
28:16Let me do this for you.
28:18Oh, my God, is she copying his wife's voice?
28:20She gets the wrong voice, a bloke's voice.
28:23Let me do this.
28:25Oh, the bloke's voice.
28:27Let me do this for you.
28:29SHE LAUGHS
28:32Jesus Christ!
28:34Tell me how much you want me.
28:36I feel like I'm watching techno porn.
28:38She's got a robot vagina.
28:41Is it cogs up there?
28:46Seriously?
28:48It's the future, Jane.
28:50No, no, he didn't order that.
28:52Hang on, I don't think he ordered this model, Natty.
28:54He needs to return her back to Star.
28:56He does, she's overstepping the mark.
28:58She's malfunctioning.
29:00Later in the film, Nick's wife Maggie was back home from hospital.
29:04Nick has been at work for a long time.
29:06Is this normal?
29:08You tell me.
29:10I do know that he's stressed.
29:12When we made love the other night, he wasn't himself.
29:14What's she trying to fucking say?
29:16I'm trying to have a nice relaxing bath,
29:18I don't need you here in your guilt-tripping.
29:20The pressures of balancing family with work
29:22could be quite overwhelming for someone.
29:26Especially since you're unable to meet his physical needs.
29:29Oh!
29:31Low blow there, low blow.
29:33Turn it off, get her out, get her out.
29:35Unplug her, turn her off.
29:37When Nick is satisfied, his blood pressure and his stress levels remain low.
29:40Oh, OK, I've done the test.
29:43Yeah, I've run my analytics, and this is my findings.
29:47How do you know what Nick is like when he's satisfied?
29:50Maggie knows, doesn't she, love?
29:52Oh, my God.
29:54Nick is going to have to do a bit of explaining when he gets home, isn't he?
29:58Sorry I'm late.
30:00Oh, dear.
30:02You've had your willy in that robot.
30:04SHE LAUGHS
30:06You pig.
30:07Alice is in the garage.
30:09Well, then, that's what she's doing in the garage.
30:11Because I didn't want her caring for my children
30:13when I found out you fucked her.
30:15Ooh!
30:16Yeah, Nick. Busted.
30:18Maggie, it's a robot.
30:20Circuits and gears.
30:22It would be like getting pissed at you for using your vibrator.
30:25Fucking her right back at you, Maggie.
30:27Getting pissed at you for using your vibrator.
30:29Er, not the same.
30:31That's not nice, is it?
30:33No, at least she knows...
30:35We women are entitled to use the vibrator when you men fall asleep.
30:40Pardon me?
30:41Well, it is cheating, isn't it?
30:43Yeah.
30:44Don't you think?
30:45No, it's a robot.
30:46I'll have two.
30:47SHE LAUGHS
30:50In Manchester...
30:51So you've been playing today, Louis?
30:53Yeah, I'm going to the cinema.
30:54Went to the cinema?
30:55Yeah.
30:56To see a film?
30:57See?
30:58I wrote a Halloween film.
31:00A Halloween film.
31:01The Malones.
31:02How scary was it?
31:03Was it like...
31:04What did they do?
31:05Show Grandad what they did.
31:07They...
31:08Wow!
31:09That was scary, wasn't it?
31:10That was scary.
31:11And did you get scared?
31:13No.
31:14I've been big and brave.
31:16You've been big and brave?
31:17On Friday, there was a landmark decision in Parliament
31:21making headlines on ITV.
31:23Today's news is massive, Jane.
31:25I know.
31:26Good evening.
31:27There was a sobering mix of principles, passion and pride...
31:30The three Ps.
31:32..as MPs voted through the controversial bill on assisted dying.
31:35They voted it through. Thank God for that.
31:38This has happened twice before and they've always said no.
31:40Yeah.
31:41That's why it's significant, because they voted yes this time.
31:44I mean, the thing is with this, this is just very much the first step.
31:47You know, it's not law yet.
31:49It was a free vote that split political parties
31:51and saw MPs vote with their conscience.
31:54Yeah, it can't be our party's opinion.
31:56No, no.
31:57It's got to be your self-belief, what you believe in.
31:59Yeah.
32:00Our MP is at the forefront of the anti-camp.
32:03So am I.
32:05Are you, Mary?
32:06Yes, because I think there'll be too much elder abuse
32:11once it comes in,
32:13with everyone leaning on their grannies to top themselves.
32:16But outside Parliament, the result was met with joy from pro-campaigners.
32:20And disappointment from the no-campaigners.
32:24I mean, I know lots of disabled people who are out there saying,
32:27we're worried where this is heading.
32:29It's weird they didn't mention that. Yeah.
32:31Today, Parliament voted in favour of a bill to legalise assisted dying.
32:36But they've got it in Switzerland.
32:38They've had it in Switzerland for years.
32:40Yeah, but if you go to Switzerland from here and you get popped off,
32:43you get into trouble, the person who does it comes back and gets arrested.
32:47Oh, yeah, yeah. That was on casualty.
32:49As a society, we risk pushing people to seek an early death.
32:54I cannot in good conscience support this.
32:56Are you all right, love?
32:58You don't want to see anybody suffer,
33:00and then other people hang on to the fact there's a ray of hope.
33:04Think about your mum.
33:06Yeah.
33:07You've got the tissues down there, don't you?
33:10Do you wish it had been around for her?
33:15I told you she asked me to help her.
33:21I couldn't do it. No.
33:23It's just so hard watching somebody who you're looking after.
33:28In pain, isn't it? In so much pain.
33:31And all they want to do is die.
33:34You can't help them. No.
33:36I want this choice for my constituents.
33:39I want it for those whom I love.
33:41In principle, if someone is really ill and they're going to die soon
33:45and they're in pain, it kind of makes sense.
33:48That's the only way I look at it.
33:50But you can't, because there's a whole bundle of other things that...
33:53Are they definitely going to die?
33:55Are they under pressure from other people?
33:58Are there alternatives?
34:00It's not just...
34:01If it was always that clear-cut, there wouldn't be an issue,
34:04but it's not that clear-cut.
34:06There will be those who say to themselves
34:09they don't want to be a burden.
34:11And I can imagine myself saying that.
34:13I wouldn't want to be a burden on my family or anybody else.
34:16No, you wouldn't. I wouldn't.
34:18No, I love being a burden.
34:20Yeah, you drag it right out.
34:22100% of my last breath. Yeah.
34:24But Leadbeater and the campaigners who have backed her
34:27believe this will become law.
34:29Oh, well, that's cheered me up today, that has.
34:31I do like the fact that the MPs seriously debated this.
34:36What I can't work out is if this is a step forward for society
34:40or whether it's a step back.
34:42I think I'd sooner suffer the pain
34:44because I don't want to miss my family.
34:47I'd sooner have the pain and at least I could see them.
34:52I'd suffer it. I'd suffer the pain.
34:54I'd inject you.
35:01MUSIC
35:09In Leeds...
35:10Ellie, I can't believe the size of your finger.
35:14It's like a comedy finger, isn't it?
35:16It's like a foam finger but actually attached to your hand.
35:20..sisters Ellie and Izzy.
35:22Do you know what? It is so painful.
35:24I've been walking round like a T-Rex all day
35:26and I've actually had to get Mum to come and pick Ezra up
35:29because I thought, I can't look after him.
35:31Like, literally, honestly, Ezra smacked it this morning in bed.
35:35He were all happy and, like, doing a flappy hand thing
35:38and, like, smacked my finger.
35:40I thought, I need to put you up for adoption.
35:43This week, ITV was filling another couple of hours
35:47on a Friday morning for us.
35:49I can't believe you're a tea-drinker again.
35:51Well, the time has come.
35:53Is that what Mum likes, don't you?
35:55Back on the tea.
35:56Back on the tea?
35:57There's worse things to be back on.
35:59True.
36:02Does this morning give you the energy
36:04to face the rest of the day, do you think?
36:06Sometimes it saps my energy.
36:08Listen, what is your front door actually like?
36:11I'd say my front door's just like a front door.
36:13It's got a bit of glass on and it says the name of the house.
36:16Is it more like a front boar?
36:18I've got a front boar. You've got a front boar.
36:20No. I've got a front boar.
36:22Actually, no, I've got a lion knocker now.
36:25What a pathetic waste of our time.
36:27Front boar?
36:28It's meant to be funny.
36:30Well, Georgina Burnett is bringing you three simple ideas
36:34to really make an entrance this Christmas.
36:37I'm all for this, man. Right.
36:39Cos your door says a lot about you as a family.
36:41That's true, actually, yeah.
36:43The front door is the first thing people see when they come to visit.
36:46It can also be seen from the street by passers-by.
36:49I love looking at people's decorations, don't you?
36:51You're just a nosy twat. I just love it.
36:54I do if they've no nets up.
36:56They want you to look if they've no nets up.
36:58Here are three fun and simple ideas
37:00to turn your entrance from dull and dreary into Christmas cheery.
37:04Why did they assume the audience are idiotic?
37:07For a look that's sweet and uplifting,
37:09how about having a go at this candy cane balloon arch idea?
37:12What, you just stick that on your door?
37:14Blimey.
37:15Oh, balloons. I don't know how I feel about balloons.
37:17It feels a bit cheap.
37:18She's not going to be designing this for up north,
37:20you know, where it's hurricane season.
37:22Using a hot glue gun,
37:24carefully stick Christmas baubles onto a wire wreath frame.
37:27Yeah, cos we've all got hot glue guns at home, innit?
37:30A glue gun, wow.
37:31Mel uses a glue gun.
37:33You've got a glue gun? Well done.
37:34I'm not allowed to know where it is.
37:36It is starting to take shape now.
37:39Nah. Nah. Don't like the balloons. Nah. Nah.
37:43It's a bit like the opening of a carpet shop, innit?
37:45Yes.
37:46Finally, add the homemade wreath
37:48to complete the candy cane doorway that's good enough to eat.
37:51Now, I think that looks stunning.
37:53If I come to your house and you've got one of them up,
37:55mind, I'll pull it down, I'll pop them.
37:57Hey, that's horrible.
37:58You can get them already blown up, see?
38:00Now, that'd be all right, wouldn't it?
38:02Where?
38:03In Caerphilly.
38:04Who's going to carry 50 blown-up bloody balloons
38:07around Caerphilly, you dick-off?
38:09No, get them in your car, innit?
38:11I'm not driving around with 50 blown-up balloons in the car.
38:16Welcome your guests with a front door
38:18that's just ready to be opened
38:20with this simple Christmas present look.
38:22Ooh, it's one of these wrap it up as a Christmas parcel.
38:25I don't like a doorbell.
38:27Don't you?
38:28No, I don't.
38:29I like a doorbell.
38:30Do you?
38:31Yeah, I do.
38:32Maybe I might put a doorbell on my door then.
38:34You just said you didn't like a doorbell.
38:36I know, but I don't want a front bar.
38:38Feed your fabric over and under your door,
38:40then bring the ends together and cross them,
38:42as if you're wrapping a present.
38:43OK, not in white.
38:44Simple, but effective.
38:47And now your door won't lock.
38:49Ooh, that's good, innit?
38:52See, I think that works.
38:54That is quite an honour.
38:55Yes, that is cool.
38:56That works.
38:57Shall we do that one then?
38:58No.
38:59If you're after a winter wonderland with a modern twist...
39:01This is the one.
39:02Garland.
39:03This is the one. Garland.
39:04Right, I'm all for the natural and colourful.
39:06I might like this one.
39:08And I'm starting by gluing...
39:10There we go, back to the glue gun that no-one has at their house.
39:13I tell you what, that glue gun's had a life, hasn't it?
39:15Jesus, that glue gun could talk.
39:17Of course you can go and forage for your own pinecones.
39:19No, I should be picking pinecones out the frigging fields.
39:21There's loads of pinecones up the road up there.
39:24Go and pick them then.
39:25What is going to be your contribution
39:27to all this front door decorating then?
39:29Huh?
39:30I'll go.
39:31I'll go and pick the balloons up in the car.
39:33Go and get the cones.
39:35It's a little bit boring for me, so how about we add some colour?
39:39Let's give an art attack, you know what I mean?
39:41Yeah, literally.
39:42To the garland to go around the door,
39:44I have this old one that's certainly seen better days,
39:47but I'm going to use it as a base
39:49to spruce up with some natural foliage from my garden.
39:52Or anybody's garden.
39:54Yeah, it has to be yours.
39:56Why not have a go yourself
39:58and really make an entrance this Christmas?
40:00Yes, that's a good show.
40:02Yeah.
40:03You pick the cones, I'll go and get the phone.
40:06Look at my wreath.
40:08I can't work out if it scares me or not.
40:11No front bar at my house.
40:13I love Christmas.
40:14I know you do, it's beautiful and all.
40:16It's a shame cos nobody gets to see it
40:19because you haven't got no friends.
40:23Do you put it on Facebook?
40:29In Blackpool...
40:30You need to give me some warning if Jimmy's ringing me
40:33because I nearly answered the phone yesterday saying,
40:37saying,
40:40and it was Jimmy on the phone.
40:42Pete and his little sister Sophie.
40:44To be fair, we had a sick night last night.
40:47Basically, Paige went out for dinner,
40:49so me, Jimmy and Eva basically just had a chilled night in.
40:53Eva went to bed about half past seven,
40:55little bop-bops to get her off to bed.
40:57Night-night.
40:58Me and Jimmy sat watching telly in our undies.
41:03We had a kebab between us.
41:05Jesus Christ.
41:06He only had a couple of strands of the meat,
41:08he said it wasn't for him.
41:09Yeah.
41:10But he did eat the garlic bread.
41:11Course he did.
41:12On Sunday night, we took another trip to Asia
41:15with our favourite natural historian on the BBC.
41:18Whoa.
41:20Bit of David Attenborough.
41:22No, stop.
41:23It's Sir David Attenborough.
41:24Sorry, sorry, my bad.
41:25Did you know David Attenborough's never passed his driving test?
41:28Get away, I don't believe that.
41:30I know.
41:33Oh, wow.
41:34You're anti-Abstod, that was a ball.
41:37Why are you telling them that?
41:39It's just stupid.
41:45There's different parts of Asia you could go to, wouldn't there?
41:48Yeah.
41:49It's a bit like the East Coast,
41:50you can go to different parts of that, Brid, Scarborough.
41:54In Sri Lanka, the largest of land mammals.
41:58They've got a good cricket team, Sri Lanka.
42:00How do you know about Sri Lanka cricket team?
42:02Cos I watch it all the time when Riz's watching it.
42:04Asian elephants live in higher densities here
42:08than anywhere else on Earth.
42:11Look at the size of them.
42:13Oh, look at the babies.
42:15To find enough food, they roam for hundreds of miles.
42:19How far do you go to get your food, though?
42:21You drive a good half an hour to that kebab house, innit?
42:24Not even that far, it's five minutes and I'm there.
42:27But people are never far away.
42:29We're always lurking somewhere in the wilderness
42:32to try and build a fucking road.
42:39Oh, no!
42:40Are they going to try and cross the road?
42:42Why is there a road right next to that elephant grazing its food?
42:46But to be fair, Jay, if it's walking 100 miles,
42:48unfortunately it's going to cross a road at some point.
42:51That means new dangers.
42:54Yeah, but no-one's going to run over an elephant,
42:56no-one's going to run over an elephant.
42:58No offence, a fox, yeah, a cat, yeah, a dog, yeah, but an elephant?
43:03Who the fuck's going to run over an elephant?
43:06Fruit is tastier than leaves and grass.
43:09Didn't even peel that. No, no.
43:11And on this road, you can often pick up a full meal.
43:15Oh, are people chucking bananas out of the cars?
43:18But there is one bull who takes things a stage further.
43:21There's always one, ain't there, eh?
43:24Oh! Oh, he's blocking the road!
43:27Closing the road completely, sort of, like, feed me.
43:29I love it!
43:31He uses his four-tonne body to create a roadblock.
43:35Oh, it knows what it's doing.
43:37It's going to stop him until they bring some out to feed him
43:39and then it'll move.
43:40That's stupid. I bet it does.
43:42And demand a toll.
43:44Look, they've got food ready for the elephant.
43:47No way. Oh, no!
43:49When he receives a payment, he lets them past.
43:52Nah, that is absolutely unreal, that.
43:55He lets them past an elephant toll.
43:58Costs us, like, £2.50 to go over the Umber Bridge.
44:02His persuasive charm has earned him a reputation.
44:08Oh, that's clever.
44:09Oh, look at that, they're feeding them through the window.
44:12He's even been given a name.
44:14Roger.
44:16Roger.
44:19Oh, bingo!
44:21Look!
44:22Jackpot, look at this.
44:25Oh, he's getting in the...
44:27HE LAUGHS
44:28He's getting on the bulls!
44:29Where's my bananas?
44:33A loaf of bread!
44:34I've seen you do that before.
44:36I've done a full loaf of breading.
44:38Roger's gentle nature has won many hearts.
44:42Are you blubbing?
44:43I would pay to go down this road.
44:45But other bulls here don't share his diplomatic skills.
44:49Oh, look at these guys.
44:51Oh, no, they've made a posse now.
44:55Whoa!
44:56Look at that.
44:57Oh, my God!
45:00Oh, this one's got tusks.
45:02I love it.
45:03HE LAUGHS
45:04And now, despite the risks, entire families are showing up.
45:08Oh, my God!
45:10That's the thing, get a baby, they'll always shoot you a bit of something.
45:13Yeah.
45:14That's what I used to do with you, innit?
45:16I used to get girls in town, I used to bring you with me.
45:19Yeah, as bait.
45:20My little brother.
45:21HE LAUGHS
45:22Oh, he's cute.
45:23He's cute.
45:24I think when we went to Brixton that day
45:26and that seagull dabbed on me for my crab sandwich,
45:30that pissed me right off and it really did get it and all.
45:34Did it take it all?
45:35Yeah, it's a full sandwich.
45:38I had to run in that, like, factory.
45:41They're massive when they get up to you.
45:43Do you know the other day I was talking to somebody,
45:45I was walking up to the chalet and I went,
45:47look at that, the bloody size of the seagull sat there.
45:50He went, Jenny, that's your satellite dish.
45:52HE LAUGHS
45:53I bet it was a seagull.
46:00Against the clock to unravel gripping true crime cases,
46:03explore the murder messages, living the high life and more
46:06with 24 Hours In Police Custody, streaming now.
46:09Also streaming, acclaimed drama with incredible performances all round,
46:13the tense, unsettling and absorbing After The Party.
46:16Next, Amy Gledhill and Richard Osman on The Last Leg.