There are no shortage of horrendous video game movie adaptations. Imagine finding yourself at the stinking rock bottom of that cesspool. That honor is held by one infamous director and his most awful creations. Happy birthday Alone In the Dark! You still suck 20 years later!
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00What's up everybody, Griffey here. There are no shortage of horrendous video game movie
00:05adaptations. Imagine finding yourself at the stinking rock bottom of that cesspool. That
00:10honor is held by one infamous director and his most awful creation. Happy birthday, Alone
00:15in the Dark. You still suck 20 years later.
00:18My mommy says that there's nothing to be afraid of in the dark.
00:21Your mother's wrong, kid.
00:27Alone in the Dark is a video game that is often credited with inventing the survival
00:31horror game genre. The Guinness Book of World Records credits it as the first 3D survival
00:36horror game. Not really a record, but thanks, Guinness.
00:40With the game's groundbreaking origins and popularity, a movie adaptation was a sure
00:45thing.
00:46It says once you make it down here alive, you're already dead.
00:51However, when the ink dried on the contracts to make Alone in the Dark, did everyone realize
00:55they were agreeing to make the worst video game movie ever? By the time the ink dried
00:59on the script, they sure did.
01:00The movie follows a paranormal investigator looking for artifacts and battling xenomorph
01:05knockoffs for... reasons.
01:08To try and assign any real plot to this movie would be more work than the movie did, so
01:12I won't waste the time.
01:14It is stunning to see a movie that crams in so many ideas, never explore a single one
01:19of them.
01:20It starts with a long reading assignment and says... you get it, right?
01:23The acting, set, choreography, and CG are all the same quality as a different genre
01:29movie you watch Alone in the Dark.
01:31The fights in this movie are so bad, yet presented with the confidence that we'll all go... hey,
01:36that white guy karate fight rips.
01:44And if that wasn't bad enough, we have a monster fight, brought to you by Spencer's Gift strobe
01:48lights versus partially visible CGI monsters.
01:52These horrendous alien knockoffs are even called Xenos.
01:56That's insulting.
02:00Has there ever been a less believable scientist than Tara Reade?
02:03Well, yes, Dr. Christmas Jones played by Denise Richards, but that was in a Bond movie.
02:09This is in a Yua Bull movie, so flaws aren't masked as much as spotlighted.
02:13Yua Bull is fascinating.
02:15He rose to prominence somehow finding money to make the worst video game movies, nay,
02:20just the worst movies you've ever seen.
02:23Seriously, look up Blubberella.
02:26The shamelessness.
02:27The best part of Bull, since it clearly isn't any movie he's ever made, is his absolutely
02:32fanatical defense of these terrible films.
02:35Bull is always ready to attack critics who attack his work, even going so far as to pummel
02:41many tiny and doughy critics in the boxing ring at an event he called Raging Bull.
02:47That is definitely the best writing of his entire career.
02:50I'm pretty confident, even with a bad back, I could beat the dog shit out of Yua Bull.
02:55Now, only because he's old and I'm obese.
02:58Like, I don't know if he's still got the fire, but he's definitely gonna message me,
03:02bring your tits to Canada, and I'm gonna be horrified.
03:06As all IP is getting the studio tentpole treatment, I will miss the days of these shaggy dog video
03:12game movies.
03:13There was something fascinating about revisiting a movie that just misses so spectacularly,
03:18you can't stop watching it.
03:20As movies and directors get more sanitized, it's fascinating to go back and watch clips
03:25of Bull being an absolute madman.
03:27The movies stink, but the memories I will never be able to forget.