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00:00Get ready for a game-changer!
00:04Tonight's guest, from the 20th dimension, it's Brennan Lee Mulligan!
00:10Hey!
00:11Having read 20 erotic novels, it's Jess Ross!
00:16Woo!
00:17And, just in time for College Humor's 20th anniversary, it's Tao Yang!
00:23And your host, me!
00:27I've been here the whole time.
00:29Welcome to Game Changer, the only game show where the game changes every show.
00:36I am your host, Sam Reich.
00:38I'm joined today by these three lovely contestants.
00:40Now, you all understand how the game works.
00:43No.
00:44Not a single thing.
00:45It hasn't been explained.
00:46That's right.
00:47Our players have no idea what game it is they're about to play.
00:50The only way to learn is by playing.
00:53The only way to win is by learning, and the only way to begin is by beginning.
00:56So, without further ado, let's begin.
00:59Ash, could you bring out the machine?
01:03What?
01:04Okay.
01:05Uh, uh-huh.
01:08Uh-huh.
01:11Players, are you ready?
01:13Uh-huh.
01:14Yes!
01:15Brennan, what is your name?
01:21My name is Brennan Lee Mulligan.
01:24That's one point for Brennan Lee Mulligan.
01:27That was a soft question.
01:29Jess, what is one plus one?
01:34Two.
01:36Two is correct!
01:38Tao, what year is it?
01:422019.
01:44That is correct.
01:46Brennan.
01:47I'm being fucked with.
01:49You understand?
01:51This is an indignity.
01:52This will be illegal.
01:53This will be considered illegal by the courts.
01:56It's one of those experiments from the 50s where they look back at it and they're like,
01:59this is unconscionable.
02:01Brennan, what is your middle name?
02:04My middle name is Lee.
02:08Jess Ross, what is your middle name?
02:11It is also Lee.
02:13Well, it's spelled differently.
02:14L-E-I-G-H.
02:16Tao, what is your middle name?
02:20I have no middle name.
02:23That is correct.
02:24Brennan.
02:25Yeah.
02:26Do you ever talk in your sleep?
02:28Fuck you.
02:30I have talked in my sleep.
02:33For a bonus point, Brennan, do you care to elaborate?
02:37I used to be an insomniac.
02:40I stayed up for 81 hours in a row in my senior year of college.
02:45Holy shit.
02:46Passing nights of sleep regularly will affect your sleep cycle in some weird ways.
02:51Jess, have you ever talked in your sleep?
02:54I'm starting to crack right now.
02:58I'm sorry.
03:00Okay, 18.
03:02Okay.
03:04I'm afraid the answer to 18 in this particular context is no.
03:07Thank you for bravely teaching us something about the machine.
03:10Yes, thank you.
03:11I'm like freaking out.
03:13Tao, do you ever talk in your sleep?
03:15I also am very uncomfortable.
03:18I do talk in my sleep, and I know it because I've recorded myself.
03:22There's an app, and you put it underneath your pillow,
03:25and it constantly records, but when it hits a certain noise threshold,
03:29it will actually record that snippet for you.
03:31Machine?
03:32Machine?
03:33How does the machine claim to know things that even its creator does not know?
03:38That is a really good question, Brennan.
03:40Do I get any points for both hating and loving the machine?
03:43Oh!
03:45Do you snore?
03:46I have snored.
03:49Jess, do you snore?
03:52Yes, I snore.
03:58Tao, do you snore?
04:00Yes, I snore also.
04:03Brennan, do you floss?
04:04Yes, extremely regularly.
04:07Two of my teeth are fake, fully fake, and I fucked up my teeth when I was younger,
04:11so I make a point to floss every day, and I also use fluoride mouthwash.
04:16Jess, do you floss?
04:19Yeah.
04:21Okay.
04:22Yeah, I use the flossy things.
04:24I feel bad because it's probably extra plastic.
04:27Do I do it all the time?
04:29No.
04:30Is my dentist going to watch this?
04:32Probably not.
04:35What do you think, machine?
04:36Do I get 20 points?
04:40Sassy.
04:41The machine is sassy.
04:43I think this machine hates women.
04:48You can't tell me.
04:50Tao, do you floss?
04:52Yes, I do.
04:54What?
04:55I floss.
04:57I've been on an upswing recently, so I'm going to say at least twice a week.
05:04Twice a week.
05:05You're not a flosser, Tao.
05:07He thought you meant the dance, which he does every day.
05:10I do every day.
05:12Also, I got—
05:14How do you know that?
05:16I don't do the floss dance every day.
05:18I didn't know it.
05:19Brennan, have you ever shoplifted?
05:23Yes.
05:25You're goddamn right I did.
05:27Wow.
05:28For a bonus point, you cared to elaborate.
05:30When I was working at my old summer camp, we had to do a production run to Walmart,
05:36and I walked out of the store drinking a bottle of Coca-Cola that I did not pay for.
05:41That's it.
05:42Jess, have you ever shoplifted?
05:45Yes, I have shoplifted.
05:48We were at the Amish market.
05:51Oh my gosh.
05:53And they were selling, I don't know if people remember, pogs and slammers.
05:58What?
05:59But I saw this golden slammer in this case, and my mom said I couldn't have it, so I took it.
06:07You stole a pog?
06:09I stole this slammer from—
06:11From an Amish?
06:12From the Amish, yes.
06:13Tao, have you ever shoplifted?
06:16Oh yeah.
06:17Whoa.
06:18And probably the most recent.
06:19I think I regularly shoplifted until I was like 25.
06:2326.
06:25Wow.
06:26All the time.
06:27All the time.
06:28What other things did you shoplift?
06:29Well, I just shoplifted recently at Whole Foods when there was a thing of basil in my bag that I didn't take out,
06:34and I went, whatever, I'll just walk out with this.
06:37Wow.
06:39I honestly did not anticipate that you would all be as shameless as you quickly are.
06:45Shoplifting from a large corporation is barely shoplifting in my opinion.
06:49Oh!
06:52Brennan, have you ever peed in a public pool?
06:56Yes.
06:58I peed in the pool because someone said, like, it changes colors if you pee in it.
07:02You wanted to test it out.
07:04It was scientific inquiry.
07:06Jess, have you ever peed in a public pool?
07:09I think I've peed in every pool I've been in.
07:13Everyone's peeing in the pool anyway.
07:16Oh, excuse me?
07:18Tao, have you ever peed in a public pool?
07:20I urinate in pools.
07:26Brennan, do some movies and TV shows make you cry?
07:30Yes.
07:31Nothing makes me cry more than a character that is putting a brave face on a terrible situation.
07:39The vulnerability you've shared with us here today, it should just be one extra point to my evaluation.
07:45I just want to be clear. Just the one.
07:47Jess, do you ever cry at movies or TV shows?
07:51Oh, commercials. Yes. Everything. Yes. I'm a big crier.
07:55I'm watching a really crappy British dating show, and the girls went to Casa Amor,
08:02and the boys stayed home, and they had the opportunity to couple up with other people,
08:06and Molly Mae came back and saw that Tommy hadn't coupled up with anyone,
08:11and she started crying, and I started crying.
08:14Tao?
08:15Yes.
08:16I cry specifically, much like Brennan, to a specific thing when a group of people come together for a common cause.
08:21Like the scene in Spider-Man 2 when the New Yorkers are like,
08:24if you want to get to him, you got to get through us, to Doc Ock.
08:27Oh, that makes me cry.
08:30Players, it's time for a mini-game.
08:33You understand the mechanic of our game now.
08:35It is based on this lie detector.
08:38The contestants have figured out all of the things to do with the machine.
08:44I'm going to rephrase that ever so slightly.
08:46Yeah.
08:47The contestants have figured out everything there is to know about the machine.
09:00Always keep a want more machine.
09:02Jess, you are flirting with this machine.
09:05Machine, do you think I'm flirting with you?
09:10You wish.
09:11What I would like to ask from each of you is a confession.
09:16Something personal about yourselves that you would like to feed into the machine.
09:20Once you do, I will assign it a one through five juiciness rating.
09:26Oh!
09:27Oh, my God.
09:29And you will receive those number of points if it's true.
09:35Okay.
09:36The bed that I lost my virginity in
09:43in a one night stand when I was 16 years old
09:48is the same bed I was later cuckolded in
09:52in my longest at the time relationship.
09:56Holy shit!
10:01That's gotta be worth, I don't know what's worth five points.
10:05If that's not worth five points, machine, can you tell me, is that true?
10:10There is no corner of my heart I would not turn over to the world for five points.
10:18Jess.
10:19I'll just say I've had multiple threesomes.
10:23Oh, yeah, no, totally.
10:25That's totally worth five points.
10:26What do you think about that, machine?
10:28Machine, wow!
10:30There you go.
10:31Tao, was there anything that you would like to confess into the machine?
10:34Yeah, one time walking home from a friend's house to my dorm,
10:37I fully shit myself on the way back.
10:43And I was walking with my friends too, so I was like, I'm gonna walk ahead.
10:47And I discarded my pants on the street.
10:51Where on the street?
10:53Like three blocks away from the house.
10:55Wait, you discarded your pants?
10:56What happened to your underpants?
10:58I also discarded my underpants.
11:00I was wearing a fleece.
11:02Oh, poo bear!
11:05Oh, my God!
11:07That's worth five points for sure.
11:10Brennan, have you ever eaten food out of the trash?
11:13Yes.
11:15Jess?
11:16Yes, yes.
11:18Tao.
11:19I have never taken food out of the trash and eaten it,
11:21but I've definitely eaten food that should be trash.
11:25Like a bad mango, you know, it's bad in certain parts,
11:28and I just start eating around the bad parts.
11:30And my girlfriend says, throw that away.
11:32And I go, there's good parts of the mango.
11:34Were there good parts of the mango?
11:36There were a couple bites.
11:37All right, that's fair.
11:38Oh!
11:41Brennan, how easily are you able to tell left from right?
11:44Perhaps the best in the world.
11:47Whoa, the best in the world!
11:50Jess?
11:51I can't.
11:52You can't.
11:53I have a really hard time with my left and right.
11:56If I do this, they both look like L's to me.
11:59Sure, sure.
12:01When me and my fiancee Kate are in the car,
12:04I can't have her say make a left or a right.
12:07It has to be a me or a you.
12:10Wait, wait, wait, wait.
12:12Wait, a me or a you meaning what exactly?
12:15If it's a me, I go the direction that I am.
12:18And if it's a you, I go the direction that Kate's sitting.
12:22There is a specific turn called a you turn.
12:26We don't make those!
12:28Sao, can you tell your right from your left easily?
12:30I mean, left, right.
12:32Yes, yes.
12:34Brennan, are there any holes in your underwear?
12:38Yes.
12:39The factory that made it put a hole in the front for my dick.
12:42No, that's not what I mean.
12:44Whoa, wait, what?
12:45Is it false or true, machine?
12:48Take the point away.
12:49No, no, that is incorrect.
12:51I'm sorry, I did lie.
12:53There's three more holes.
12:55One for my torso and two more for my legs, motherfucker.
12:58That's correct.
12:59You are not God, the machine is.
13:01Brennan, I should have specified.
13:04Are there any holes in your underwear from?
13:07This game is fucking rigged.
13:09From them being worn out.
13:10Oh, sure, yes.
13:12I got a bunch of these Hanes ones
13:14that weirdly have developed holes along the waistband.
13:18Jess, are there...
13:21Are there holes in your underwear?
13:23There aren't holes in my underwear,
13:25but I do have it where the elastic
13:27is very worn out of a lot of pairs.
13:30Tao, are there holes in your underwear?
13:33Yes.
13:34Lots of them.
13:36Is this a boy thing?
13:38I think so.
13:39A compromise that I've made in my relationship
13:41is I start to throw away underwear
13:43that have a lot of holes in them.
13:45Brennan, have you ever slept through a floor
13:48and have you ever slept through a flight
13:50you were supposed to take?
13:52No.
13:53Oh, what am I, made of money?
13:54Jess?
13:55Absolutely not.
13:56I'm there two hours in advance.
13:58Tao, you are looking a tad uncomfortable at the moment.
14:01Have you ever slept through a flight?
14:03Yes, twice.
14:05I slept through the same flight twice.
14:08Wait, what?
14:10You mean they rescheduled it and you slept?
14:13Tao!
14:14No fucking way!
14:16That's crazy!
14:17Yes.
14:18I was supposed to move out of my dorm sophomore year
14:20and I overslept, wasn't going to make it,
14:23had to move my room out and stuff,
14:25so I didn't make that flight.
14:26Rescheduled for later in the afternoon.
14:28When I got to the airport, I was so sleepy
14:30and the gate was so full,
14:32so I went two gates over and slept there
14:35and no one woke me up because why would they?
14:37You slept through the flight at the airport?
14:39At the gate, yes.
14:41Oh my God.
14:42Brennan, have you ever tried to get a nickname?
14:45I've never taken active steps to get a nickname,
14:48but I have definitely been incredibly excited
14:52to receive a nickname.
14:54When I used to work as a camera PA
14:56on Law & Order Criminal Intent,
14:58my nickname on set was Shanty or Sippy.
15:02Sippy being an acronym for shanty Irish prick.
15:06Yes.
15:07I did.
15:08I wanted everyone to call me Ross,
15:10which is my last name,
15:11and I thought, oh, a girl who's called Ross,
15:13pretty cool.
15:14Teo.
15:15Does it count when, as a new immigrant to this country,
15:18you go into class and you go,
15:20everyone, instead of calling me Teo,
15:22you can call me Paolo.
15:24I love the idea of you're like,
15:26better take it easy on these crackers with Teo.
15:29Let's do, I don't know,
15:31what's the whitest name I can think of?
15:33Paolo.
15:34Paolo, yes,
15:35and I talk to him with a Italian chef's kiss.
15:37Brennan.
15:38Yeah.
15:39Do you ever space out just thinking about swords?
15:40Okay, yeah.
15:41Yes, correct.
15:42All the time.
15:43The sword holds a unique place in the history of weaponry.
15:47Unlike a lot of other weapons,
15:49a sword was a symbol of status
15:51in almost every culture all over the world.
15:53I'm really gonna have to cut you off at a certain point.
15:55Okay.
15:56Jess, where's your engagement ring?
16:00Oh my god, I left,
16:02I can't believe I'm getting called out.
16:03I left it on the sink in the bathroom
16:06when I don't like to get it wet,
16:08and now I don't have it.
16:09Is this a part of the show,
16:10or am I just getting called out?
16:13I thought I was gonna get the sword one, too.
16:15I'm feeling you.
16:17Tio, are there any photos of your bare butt on your phone?
16:22Yes.
16:24Recently.
16:26One of the pieces of underwear I was wearing
16:28had such a big hole in it
16:29that I just comically ripped it in bed,
16:32and then me and my girlfriend took photos
16:34of my butt out with this underwear.
16:37Players, it's time for the next mini game.
16:40This time, we're gonna flip the script
16:42for mini game number one.
16:44I want to hear wholesome things about you,
16:47things that present you in a positive light.
16:51Brennan, we will start with you.
16:54This sucks.
16:55Yeah.
16:56I don't,
16:58because it's forcing you to brag, right?
17:00Yeah, yeah.
17:01So I take vacation time off of work,
17:04and instead of going to vacation,
17:05I go work more at a different other place,
17:07which is the summer camp,
17:08and the past couple years,
17:09I donate my salary to the fund
17:11that sends financially needy kids to camp.
17:15I'm gonna give you the full five points.
17:18Gah!
17:19Jess, can you tell me anything nice about yourself?
17:23I can.
17:24I spent a lot of my life,
17:26especially my younger years in school,
17:28not feeling great about myself.
17:30I felt like I wasn't pretty enough,
17:32I was too tall, I wasn't smart enough,
17:35and now that I'm older,
17:37I'm so proud of myself that I have let a lot of that go,
17:41that I genuinely like myself,
17:44and that I'm allowed to say that out loud,
17:46it doesn't bother me at all.
17:48I'm smart, I write good sketches,
17:50I got a great ass.
17:52Yeah, you know it, machine, you know it.
17:55I'm literally tearing up.
17:57Yeah, that's the full five points for you, Jess, for sure.
18:00Does the machine seconding Jess's great ass comment
18:04constitute workplace sexual harassment?
18:07No!
18:09I don't fucking know about you, machine!
18:12I don't fucking, that's not your call!
18:14I'm getting HR, wait, it's not even human resources!
18:17Machine resources!
18:19It's robot resources!
18:21Yeah, we need IT and HR to team up.
18:23Damn!
18:24I like to think of myself as someone who can do
18:26nice things for people without needing it to even be recognized.
18:31Lots of small examples, letting people go ahead
18:34in front of me in a line for a bathroom,
18:36they really need to go, things like that.
18:40Okay, it didn't make me want to burst into tears,
18:43so I will give that a three.
18:47Players, the truth is that I've been lying to you
18:51about this lie detector.
18:53Obviously, this technology doesn't exist per se.
18:58It is, in fact, human powered.
19:01We've been working with a team of scientists on this
19:03for weeks now, and in order to give them credit,
19:07I'd like to introduce you to those scientists now.
19:09Scientists.
19:10You liar!
19:12Oh my God!
19:14Oh my God!
19:15What the fuck is happening?
19:18What?
19:19Your significant others have been in control
19:22of this lie detector the whole time.
19:26What?
19:27I trust my partner implicitly.
19:30And you shouldn't.
19:31You said you wanted to go to the gym early in the morning.
19:34Is that so unbelievable to you?
19:36That's what you know I am in my room.
19:38Oh, by the way, yes, Kate has Jess as well.
19:41Oh, are you proposing?
19:43Again?
19:45And Jess, all this time you were flirting with a machine.
19:48Oh!
19:49Are you serious?
19:52This is a profound betrayal.
19:57So the game dynamic in round three is going to change.
20:01Oh my God.
20:02I am going to ask true or false statement about our players.
20:06If they're about you, you don't get to play.
20:09The other players have to decide whether or not
20:12what I'm saying is true or false.
20:14Now, the more your face betrays you,
20:17the better your competition stands to do.
20:20Jess and Taya, Brennan has had the majority
20:24of his belongings since he was a teenager.
20:28I think that's super true.
20:30He's in all nerd shit, and you get that when you're 12.
20:33It gives a lot of weight to the items that he owns.
20:36I think it's true.
20:37I think it's also true.
20:38Izzy, is that true?
20:40Yes, it is.
20:41He feels bad for the things,
20:43so he wants to continue using them
20:45so they feel like they're important.
20:47So that's points for Jess and Tao.
20:49Brennan and Tao, more than any other show,
20:52Jess watches The Bachelor.
20:55That doesn't ring true to me.
20:57I say that Kate would rather celebrate something about Jess
21:00than attempt to stump me and Tao.
21:02I say this is true.
21:03I'll go false.
21:04That is false.
21:06That is a point for Tao.
21:08In fact, I understand that Jess watches a lot of Shark Tank.
21:12Yeah.
21:13Yeah.
21:14I'm always in the tank.
21:16Brennan and Jess.
21:18Tao.
21:19Tao's sideburns get sweaty when he eats sriracha.
21:28100% true.
21:29That's so true.
21:31It is true.
21:33The real problem is after.
21:35Yeah, I didn't turn that fact in, but you did.
21:38That explains the hole in the underwear.
21:41It's a blast zone.
21:42Jess and Tao.
21:43Blast zone.
21:44Brennan, more than anything else in the world,
21:47wants to be a renowned dungeon master.
21:50I don't think that's what he wants more than anything else in the world.
21:53I also, yeah, I think that is false.
21:57It is false.
21:59Brennan wants more than anything in the world to be a dad.
22:04Daddy.
22:05Brennan and Tao.
22:07Jess calls Mario Kart Mario race cars.
22:14I think this is false.
22:16I think Jess calls it Mario Kart.
22:22We'll leave pronunciation out of this particular.
22:25Okay, then I think this is true.
22:27I also will say this is true.
22:29It is.
22:30She probably does call it Mario.
22:32Mario race cars.
22:33What does she call the Super Nintendo?
22:36She calls it the purple and gray system or the purple and gray Nintendo.
22:41Brennan and Jess.
22:42When Tao was young, he actively tried to get his friend's parents
22:47to like him more than their own children.
22:53I think that's true.
22:54I will also say that it's true.
22:57I needed their approval.
23:00Like call me Paolo.
23:02Call me Paolo.
23:04Jess and Tao.
23:05Brennan cries when old people are voted off the Great British Baking Show.
23:11That is true.
23:12That aligns with what he said makes him cry,
23:14which is people with a brave face during adverse times.
23:18I'll also say true.
23:19There you go.
23:20It is true.
23:22The old people should be allowed to stay.
23:26Brennan and Tao.
23:29Jess's difficulties with left and right extend to when she was small,
23:33when dad drove more than mom,
23:36and so left was a daddy and right was a mommy.
23:44That is 100% true.
23:46I'll say true.
23:48It is true.
23:50We are down to our last question and we have two players tied.
23:54Brennan and Jess.
23:56Final question of our game.
23:59Tao often tells Alexis he could get lost in her eyes.
24:09Alexis does have very lovely eyes.
24:11I'm going to say he does say it.
24:12It's true.
24:15So if I say true, best case scenario is me and Jess tie for first place.
24:21If I say false, one of the two of us wins.
24:25I'll say it's true too.
24:27No, Alexis.
24:29In fact, Tao does not know what color my eyes are.
24:33Asked me two days ago after I'd already submitted answers for this.
24:37And also yesterday asked me what color his own eyes were.
24:42Brennan and Jess, you have won Game Changer.
24:47You each win dinner for two at my favorite restaurant in Los Angeles.
24:51I'm not allowed to say what it is for legal reasons,
24:53but trust me, it is in fact my favorite.
24:56Is this for real?
24:57Here's the thing.
24:58We've embarrassed all three of you up here today.
25:00And because it really doesn't matter who wins or loses at this game,
25:03I'm also going to extend that invitation to you.
25:06I'm Sam Reich reminding you that intimacy is nothing more than future blackmail.
25:11Good night!