Dana B | Francis Tutors Dana Beers
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00:00This is the production you're dealing with right now.
00:03I just hope that it's in focus.
00:08Alright, we have a guest today.
00:10Feidelberg.
00:11John Feidelberg.
00:12Feidelberg, yeah.
00:13That's Mr. Feidelberg.
00:14Nah, I'm John.
00:15I'm the cool substitute.
00:16You're the cool guy?
00:17Yeah, dude.
00:18I'm fucking high, power hungover.
00:19You have the mug full of vodka.
00:21Yeah, yeah.
00:23I'm going to teach you about the Salem witch trials.
00:25Okay, yeah.
00:26Pickable Massachusetts, guys.
00:27Yeah, right?
00:28Yeah.
00:30To my knowledge, this was during the 1600s.
00:32Correct.
00:3317th century, yep.
00:341692 to 1693.
00:35If it's centuries, by the way, it makes no sense.
00:37If it's 17th century, why is it the 1600s?
00:39And a lot of teachers won't be honest with you about stuff.
00:41I'll be honest with you.
00:42I googled that like 10 minutes ago.
00:43You know what I mean?
00:46You're way cooler.
00:48How people were deemed witches was very, I would say, unfair.
00:53How many people were killed?
00:54Witches or people?
00:55Witches.
00:59Good question.
01:00It's a great question.
01:01I know.
01:02It's a fair question.
01:03I know.
01:04Because they were convicted as witches.
01:05Yes.
01:06How many witches were killed?
01:07A million.
01:08You would think.
01:09What was it, like seven?
01:10It was 19.
01:11Five of them were men, Dana.
01:13I said a million.
01:14Yeah, no, we make a pretty big deal out of it.
01:1819?
01:1919 people were killed.
01:20300 were tried.
01:21Was it Blair?
01:22It was not Blair.
01:23Blair Witch?
01:27I'm serious.
01:28I'm serious.
01:29That wasn't a joke.
01:30Well, no, Blair wasn't a witch.
01:31Why is she Blair Witch?
01:32I haven't even seen the movie, to be honest.
01:34There was this one guy, one minister.
01:36He was a mouthy son of a bitch.
01:37Cotton Mavet.
01:38So he wrote a couple of pamphlets, wrote a couple of stories about it, about Goody Glover,
01:42an Irish slave who cursed six children.
01:45What, did she have a fucking wand?
01:47They weren't real curses, you see.
01:48Okay.
01:49She just yelled.
01:50I'm sure she was a drunk Irish woman.
01:53You fucking kids, get out of the fucking house!
01:55Hey, mates!
01:56Don't do that!
01:58Was that your Irish accent?
01:59I don't know, yeah.
02:00Give it to me again.
02:01Hey, mates!
02:02Go get my lucky charm!
02:03Jesus, Danny, you took a fucking terrible Irish.
02:05So Cotton Mavet wrote these pamphlets about witches and all this stuff.
02:08Okay.
02:09And then it kind of brewed a little bit.
02:10Brewed.
02:11Brewed!
02:12Yeah, let's go, dude!
02:131692, 1693 is when the trials themselves took place.
02:16It was just women would be accused of being a witch, and that really meant, all it meant
02:21was that they didn't subscribe to puritanical beliefs.
02:24Puritanical beliefs, to my knowledge, that is, you don't fuck before you're married.
02:29Hardcore Christianity, dressing to not reveal yourself to the world.
02:32Maybe they showed a little skin.
02:34A little skin, maybe.
02:35Maybe they flashed an ankle around.
02:36Ah, you showed an ankle.
02:38Witch.
02:39Witch.
02:40It was people who didn't dress the right way.
02:41Yeah, okay.
02:42So that would be...
02:43Sluts.
02:44I don't know specifically, but yeah, could have been a bunch of sluts.
02:46So once you were accused, then you were brought to an examination.
02:49Okay.
02:50Now, an examination could be physical, in the sense that they would look for a witch's
02:53teat, which is just a birthmark.
02:55It was considered evidence that the devil had sucked your blood.
02:58So, like, if you were Drew Brees, you're a witch.
03:00Drew Brees, big-time witch.
03:01I have a big mole on my back.
03:03Yeah?
03:04I'd be witch city.
03:05Yeah, and you would think you can't be a witch because you're a guy.
03:07No.
03:08You would see a tribunal of ministers, and basically there, if you didn't have a birthmark,
03:12if you were one of the rare people who didn't have a birthmark or a mole on your body, they
03:15basically just begged you to confess.
03:17Really?
03:18That was the whole thing.
03:19This was in Massachusetts?
03:20This was in Massachusetts.
03:21Not in Salem, though.
03:23What?
03:24Salem, 1692, is current-day Danvers, Mass.
03:28One time I played against Danvers, 36 points.
03:31Yeah?
03:32Mass premiere, yep.
03:33It was Salem Town and Salem.
03:34Yeah.
03:35Not fans of each other.
03:36Okay.
03:37In fact, the whole thing really boils down to Urban Planet.
03:38It was poorly...
03:41Eventually, Salem Town was like, we're getting our own fucking minister.
03:44They bring in this minister, and he's a bit of a motherfucker.
03:46Yeah.
03:47He accused Tituba, who was his slave, he accused Tituba of being a witch, because he...
03:53A lot of tits and teats.
03:55It's just a classic case of mass hysteria.
03:57Yeah.
03:58I still can't believe I thought there was a million witches.
04:00You would think.
04:01Once you were convicted, then you were asked, who are the other witches?
04:05And then they would list names, and then they'd go round up those people, and then they'd
04:08try to convict them, because everyone's got a fucking birthmark.
04:11They would just rat out more, and that was the vicious cycle that lasted for about a
04:14year and a half.
04:16The governor, Governor Pibb, was away at the time.
04:20You really know everything.
04:22You memorized this?
04:23I studied, bro.
04:24I don't want to come on your show and not do a good job.
04:27He got back to Massachusetts.
04:28It was one of those, you look around, what hath God wrought?
04:31He's like, what are you guys doing?
04:35He then wrote a letter to the king, and he was like, yo, so I've been doing some stuff
04:41over here.
04:43We're killing witches.
04:44Just want to get your read on it a little bit?
04:47What do you think about this?
04:48And he was like, it's a good idea.
04:50You should be hunting witches for sure.
04:52But no more using spectral evidence in trial.
04:55That dude has a mole on his chest.
04:57Yeah, and they'd be like, that's a witch, that's a witch.
04:59But once that evidence was no longer allowed to be put into evidence, put into trial, it
05:04was pretty hard to prove a witch at that point.
05:07Kind of tough for the mole community.
05:09Imagine you have this big, ugly mole that you don't want anyone to see, and they're
05:12like, all right, you have to come on trial and talk about your moles.
05:15That would suck, dude.
05:16That would be tough.
05:17I hate this thing on my back.
05:19If anyone sees it, it's fucking, you want to see it?
05:21Yeah, let me see it.
05:23I mean, it's, yeah, no, never mind.
05:25You don't like it.
05:26It sucks, right?
05:27Yeah, I'm going to pull a hair out of it.
05:29You pulled it out?
05:30Yeah.
05:31Got one.
05:32Got two.
05:33You got a hairy ass mole.
05:35So in 1957, five witches departed.
05:38From 200 years before?
05:40Yeah.
05:41In 2022 was when the last witch was finally pardoned.
05:46I would not petition for that conviction overturned.
05:49I would want a witch.
05:50I'd want a witch in my family tree.
05:51I wouldn't want to give up a witch.
05:52Yeah, dude.
05:53But then if it ever comes back around, then you're like, oh, you have witch blood.
05:56Yeah.
05:57Yeah.
05:58But Puritans believe that regularly, on a daily basis, multiple times per day, the
06:05devil is trying to steal your soul.
06:07So you've got to be ready for that at all moments.
06:09How do you even sleep?
06:10You have to thwart the devil's attacks.
06:11Yes.
06:12Sleeping would be-
06:13Do you have to have a fucking shield around you?
06:14Like, what's going on?
06:15You can't put up a dreamcatcher, because they'll call you a witch.
06:17So you're really-
06:19I'm pretty easily brainwashed.
06:25I would have been a witch believer.
06:27You would have been a witch believer?
06:28Yes.
06:29Because if one of my boys was just like, hey, dude, that girl's a witch.
06:31I'd be like, yeah, you're right.
06:33That is quite a birthmark on her.
06:37I have one right here.
06:38It's right above my dick.
06:39Really?
06:40It's right in my pubes.
06:42What's that little guy in Pokemon?
06:44Pokemon?
06:45Diglett.
06:46You know Diglett?
06:47Diglett!
06:48Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:49I got a little Diglett right here.
06:50You've got a Diglett near your dick?
06:51I've got a Diglett above my dick.
06:52I think the number one thing I learned today was that there was 20 witches.
06:5520?
06:56Yeah.
06:57And not a million.
06:58All right, fights.
07:00Thank you, brother.
07:01Thank you, my guy.
07:02Sorry, Francis.
07:03I am witch-filled.