The Two Ronnies - 108 [couchtripper][U]
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Good evening, and it's nice to be back with you for the last show of the present series,
00:28isn't it, Ron? Yes, it is, very nice indeed. Well, it's not nice that it's the last one
00:32of the series, but it's very nice to be back with you for it. And as it's the last show,
00:36we've got some special items for you. We've got the mast pipes of the National Federation
00:40of Tobacconists, and we'll be talking to Herbert Nudge, a retired goldfish breeder who's been
00:46appointed head of a committee to solve the pollution problem in the English Channel,
00:50and he's told reporters that his first job will be to see that the water's changed three
00:54times a week. And now the news. A man who blindfolds policemen and steals their spectacles
01:01struck again in Putney tonight. Police are groping for a tall man in a grey raincoat.
01:07And the world's greatest jigsaw puzzle designer was divorced today after his wife had found
01:14he was keeping a piece on the side. Thieves broke into a warehouse today and stole a lorry
01:21containing 14 tons of butter and eggs. The lorry later collided with a milk float on the A24.
01:26Police are now looking for two men driving a 40-foot omelette. And now the weather. Here are
01:37today's temperature recordings. Birmingham 78, London 72, Manchester 75, Liverpool 80. And
01:45Liverpool go on to meet Birmingham in the final. Mr. Heath today announced the currency changes
01:52that will go into effect when Britain joins the common market. The pound and the franc will join
01:56forces and become the prank. The lira will join forces with the mark and become the lark. The
02:06gilder will join the fennig and become the filder. There'll be ten pranks to the lark,
02:09three larks in the park, six filders to the milder, five squawks to the splark,
02:13and three coins to the fountain. And finally, some bad news for Mr. Pompidou. Mrs. Pompidou-don't.
02:28Morning. Can't give you a second. Well, what's your trouble? Um, well, doctor, it's just that I,
02:46I keep feeling faint. What do you mean, faint? Dizzy, do you mean? No, not really, you know,
02:52just faint. I just feel very faint at times. All the time, is it? No, no. I go all faint for a
03:03minute and then I'm all right again. Any other symptoms? Well, I'm getting thinner. My wife
03:09says I'm wasting away. And my mind keeps going blank. I'm not here half the time. Not much for
03:19me to go on, is it? Well, it's a little bit difficult to describe, really. Also, I get this
03:25floating feeling. Oh, really. Just as if I was floating. Well, the trouble with you is you worry
03:35about yourself too much. Either that or you don't like work. My advice to you is to snap out of it,
03:44pull yourself together, and come down to earth. A lot of your sort come in here, you know, hoping
03:50for a few days off. I know the type. I can see right through them. So I'd be very much obliged
03:58if you'd just push off and stop wasting my time. Oh, well, if that's the way you feel about it,
04:02I'm very... Yes, it is. Good day. Ah, Angela, I'm making a note on Mr. Mill's file. I don't
04:14want him in here wasting my time every week. So if he comes in here saying he feels faint,
04:18keep him out. He's no more faint than I am. Where are those paperclips? Oh, they're here in the
04:23drawer. Oh, and that's another thing. The bromide you gave me last week doesn't work either.
04:44Bye, baby. See you around. Didn't I tell you I wouldn't hold you down. Take good care of yourself, you hear. Don't let me hear about you, shan't I tell you. You're gonna make it. You're gonna make it.
05:13Remember me as a sunny day that you once had along the way. Didn't I inspire you a little higher?
05:26Remember me as a funny cloud that made you laugh when you were young. Didn't I, boy? Didn't I, boy?
05:40Remember me as a breath of free. I love kind of boy down on his two feet. Remember me as a breath of free. Remember me as a good thing.
06:00Bye, baby. See you around. Already know about the new love you found. What can I do and wish you well?
06:16What we had was real swell. I won't forget it, no. I had no regrets.
06:30Remember me as the sound of laughter and my face the moment after. Didn't I inspire you a little higher?
06:43Did you remember the time before? But don't forget me in your tender soul.
06:53Please, darling. Oh, yeah. Remember me when you drink the wine. I think I'd say, I'd give you my best.
07:05Remember me with every song you sing. Remember me as a good thing.
07:16Remember me as a sunny day. Please, darling. Remember me when you drink the wine.
07:46Good evening. I want to talk to you tonight about statistics. Or to put it another way, statistics tonight to talk to you about I want.
07:59A recent survey conducted in Bolton has proved conclusively that ten out of ten people who live in Bolton live in Bolton.
08:05Although three out of ten people who live in Bolton think they live in Birmingham.
08:09On further questioning, five out of ten people who agreed with us agreed with us that they agreed with us.
08:12Of the remaining five, five out of ten remained out of the ten from which the five out of ten who agreed with us that they agreed with us remained.
08:18Or to put it another way, my dog eats meat. I eat meat, therefore I eat my dog, and quite delicious he was.
08:25The mind accepts the logical trap. The logical trap accepts the mind. Accept the logical mind and shut your trap.
08:30What does it all mean? Well, six out of six people, or to put it another way, seven out of seven, or to really simplify it, one in every one.
08:36And another thing, it takes four hours to get to Luton by elephant and only 20 minutes by train.
08:41There's no question the train is faster, but the elephant's got a restaurant card.
08:46Or, to put it another way, seven out of ten people believe that margarine contains more butter than butter.
08:52Four out of every two people choose advertising. Commercials show that nine out of ten people in white coats are actors and three out of four actors choose work.
08:58Or, to put it another way, 28% of the population do the pools and 72% of the population own dogs.
09:04This means that 100% of the population own dogs that do pools.
09:07Out of 100 football fans, 53% prefer home wins, 31% prefer away wins, and 16% prefer draws.
09:15And 98% prefer no draws.
09:20And people with no draws shouldn't live in glass houses.
09:23Or throw stones at dogs when they're doing their pools.
09:26But what does it all mean? What does it all mean?
09:29Well, three out of ten people think it's rubbish, four out of ten agreed, two out of ten said no, and one in ten disagreed.
09:33And that one in ten is homosexual, so who cares what she thinks of stupid old Queen?
09:38And what do I think? Well, 35% of me thinks I'm mad, two out of five of me disagrees, and nine out of seventeen leaves eight.
09:43Take away the number you first thought of, multiply the date by the Queen's birthday, and what you're left with is invariably the figure nine.
09:48Three nines of 27, or 999, dial 999 and call me an ambulance.
09:52Three out of ten ambulances are engaged, two out of three of them are married.
09:55Six out of seven are on their way to the loony bin, and nine out of ten of them are full of statistics.
09:5999% of people think it's rubbish, four out of ten agreed, two out of ten said no, and one in ten disagreed.
10:03Nine times out of a hundred, this sketch ends with two men in white coats carrying me off, and tonight is no exception.
10:24I'm sure you will recall, dear reader, how in the last chapter I spoke of my entry into the world of the silver screen.
10:29My first assignment was with the great film star, Donald Fairchild Jr.
10:37Who, although small in stature, had, I was told, an enormous potential.
10:43I certainly looked up to him.
10:47Almost immediately I had been given a somewhat difficult role, which, through my inexperience, I had bungled hopelessly.
10:59But fear not, gentle reader, I did not perish.
11:04My dress caught on a tree.
11:11Is that you, Henrietta?
11:14Of course it is, I recognize her underwear, I mean, I recognize her anywhere.
11:17I heard you the first time.
11:19Well, we had supper together the other night, remember?
11:22Well, don't just stand there, cut her down!
11:29This will make you sleep better, Miss Mackey.
11:34The doctors insisted that I should rest, although apart from lots of bumps and bruises, I was uninjured.
11:39Mr. Goldberg was constantly at my bedside, and Mr. Fairchild Jr. was also very attentive.
11:45Henrietta, baby, how are you?
11:48I've got bumps all over me.
11:50Boy, you can say that again.
11:52Hi, Sam, what's the matter? Don't they feed you at home anymore?
11:55I have no home.
11:57I thought you lived with your wife.
11:59You call that living?
12:01Listen, what got you out of bed so early? Couldn't you keep awake?
12:04Come on, Henrietta, I want to carry you off of my magic chauffeur-driven carpet.
12:08Slip into something tight and we'll hit the town.
12:10But, Donald, the doctor says I've got to rest.
12:13Just lie here and let nature take its course.
12:15He's been reading my mail again.
12:17Come on, I want to show you America.
12:19The doctor says she's got to rest.
12:21Oh, Sam, a little what your fancy does you good, that's what my old mother used to say.
12:25What did your old mother used to say?
12:27Drop dead.
12:28You really are the retiring type, ain't you?
12:31And the sooner the better.
12:33Listen to the press boys out there.
12:35Sure, they can't wait to get in here.
12:37Oh, no, Donald, don't leave me.
12:39I'm nervous of the press.
12:41Besides, I'm getting rather drowsy.
12:43It must be the sedatives.
12:45Don't worry, I'll do all the talking.
12:47He means it, he means it.
12:49Come on, boys.
12:51Hi, Mr. Fairchild.
12:53Hello there, Mr. Goldberg.
12:55Okay, boy, okay.
12:57You're getting rather drowsy, so take it easy, will you?
12:59You got five minutes.
13:01Okay.
13:03How long have you been in pictures, Miss Beckett?
13:05A week.
13:07A week?
13:09What do you think of that, boys?
13:11Is your real name?
13:13No, her real name's Abraham Lincoln.
13:15We changed it, it sounds too Jewish.
13:17It is my real name.
13:19What's she like to wake with, Mr. Fairchild?
13:21Absolutely marvelous.
13:23You mark my words, this girl's going right to the top.
13:25One of these days, she's going to be as big as I am.
13:27Hopefully, when you ain't got your heels on,
13:29she's even bigger.
13:31The interview continued happily enough,
13:33and I must say it was a great relief to me
13:35that Donald and Sam were taking charge of the proceedings.
13:37For to tell the truth,
13:39I had begun to feel more and more drowsy
13:41as the sedatives took effect.
13:43However, I did my best to keep awake.
13:45Miss Beckett, would you mind telling us
13:47when you were born?
13:49When?
13:51Yeah, tell us when you were born.
13:531825.
13:55Oh, it's 1825.
13:571825.
13:59That's ridiculous, Miss Beckett.
14:01That'll make you about 98.
14:03That will make you about 98.
14:05About 98.
14:07Suddenly, I felt myself slipping
14:09down, down
14:11as if I were drowning in some strange unearthly ocean.
14:14Pictures from my past began to float before my eyes.
14:18I was no longer in the hospital bed.
14:20I seemed to be reliving my life once again.
14:23Memories flooded back to me
14:25the first day I arrived at Hampton Wick.
14:27Young Edward Hampton
14:29and his father, Sir Geoffrey,
14:31who had but one thought in his mind.
14:33Crumpet?
14:35The little room above the public bar
14:37of the Three Crutches Inn
14:39where I had fallen in with thieves and pickpockets.
14:43And where, exhausted and hungry,
14:45I finally lay down and slept.
14:51I lived again those terrible days in prison.
14:53I lived again those terrible days in prison.
14:54My heart sinking in despair
14:56and, in turn, leaping with joy
14:58when told that my release had been secured.
15:01My dear Mr. and Mrs. McMaster,
15:05my debut as an actress
15:07in this celebrated theatrical company
15:10and the unfortunate affair of the week.
15:16Once again, the scene changed.
15:18I was in the Crimea
15:20with three young men
15:21and, once again, the scene changed.
15:23I was in the Crimea
15:25with dear Captain Featherstone
15:27and well-meaning Corporal Clark
15:29and I remembered how terrible
15:31the conditions had been.
15:33Oh, God, will I never see an end
15:35to this accursed mud.
15:37That's custard, sir.
15:39More pictures floated into my mind.
15:41I seemed to be in Paris once again.
15:47I shivered as I remembered
15:49that misty morning
15:51that I had to take
15:53because of me.
15:58My brain began to whirl.
16:00Strange images floated before my eyes.
16:03A portrait with eyes that moved.
16:07A coffin that walked.
16:10A train.
16:12A train that wouldn't stop.
16:17Ninety-eight.
16:19Ninety-eight.
16:21Ninety-eight.
16:23Ninety-eight.
16:26Almost back to normal now, Mr. Beckett.
16:30Feeling better, Henrietta, dear?
16:33Daddy!
16:35What's happened? Where am I?
16:37Nothing to worry about.
16:39Don't worry, my dear.
16:41You had a little accident, that's all.
16:43An accident?
16:45You don't remember, do you?
16:47You were out in the fields with Mr. Jinx
16:49and you fell off him.
16:51Right as ninepence in no time.
16:53Aren't you going to say hello to Mummy, then?
16:56Hello, Poppy.
17:01Well, the doctor says we can take you home again
17:04if you're feeling up to it.
17:06What do you say?
17:08Tea and toast in front of the fire in the library?
17:10Scrumptious.
17:12Oh, is Mr. Jinx all right?
17:14Oh, he's all right, yes.
17:16Be right as ninepence in no time.
17:18Graze one of his hind legs, that's all.
17:19He'll be around on Monday.
17:21Well, I'll make myself scarce, shall I,
17:23while you get your dogs on.
17:25Yes, off you go.
17:27Well, now, my dear,
17:29you sure you can cope now
17:31because you still look a little peaky to me?
17:33I think so, thank you, Mummy darling.
17:35Well, it's just that I've had the most extraordinary dream.
17:37Dream?
17:39Or was it a dream?
17:41It had seemed so very vivid.
17:43One thing was certain.
17:45It was a great joy to realise
17:47that this was, after all, 1971.
17:49The curtain had at last fallen
17:51on all those strange
17:53and at times horrifying adventures.
17:57I left the hospital
17:59with an overwhelming feeling of relief.
18:01I was going home once more,
18:03home to a life of peace
18:05and obscurity.
18:08Hey.
18:10Did you see that girl?
18:12What girl?
18:14She's just what we're looking for for the show.
18:15I didn't see her.
18:17Oh, she had some wonderful attributes.
18:19To be precise, how many?
18:21Two.
18:23One little dear to be going home to, weren't you?
18:25One little dear to be going home to, weren't you?
18:52I am managing director
18:53of a company
18:55with a very large export commitment.
18:57I work for a hardware firm
18:59with a very large annual turnover.
19:01I work for the public health department
19:03with a very large shovel.
19:07I start work at 9.30
19:09and finish when I have completed
19:11my day's schedule.
19:13I start work at 9 o'clock
19:15and finish when the hooter goes.
19:17I start work at 8.30
19:19and finish when it gets too dark
19:21to see what I'm shoveling.
19:23I manage a large suite
19:25of centrally heated air-conditioned offices
19:27in the West End.
19:29I work in a converted warehouse
19:31in Camden Town.
19:33I work in the fresh air
19:35but only when the wind's
19:37in the right direction.
19:39Although I am managing director
19:41I must always be on my guard
19:43against a younger ambitious man
19:45usurping my position
19:47in the organisation.
19:49I too have to be on the lookout
19:51in case anyone's after my job.
19:53Not counting entertainment
19:55and out-of-pocket expenses
19:57I receive an annual increment
19:59of £12,000 a year.
20:01I receive an annual increment
20:03of £2,800 a year.
20:05I don't have anything to do
20:07with increments.
20:09Quite the reverse.
20:16We all serve the community
20:18in our different ways
20:20but are we really conscientious enough
20:21in our attitude to work?
20:23I have to take a little of my work
20:25home with me
20:27in order to relieve the pressure
20:29on my subordinates.
20:31I take quite a lot of work home
20:33otherwise I'd lose a lot of commission.
20:35I take a load of work home
20:37and all and my rhubarb's
20:39coming on a treat!
20:46Tom Tom lived
20:48for all he could give
20:49He stood by his father's side
20:51And into his world
20:53came a sweet young girl
20:55And he took her
20:57all his bride
20:59He took her
21:01all his bride
21:03Tom Tom turn around
21:05Don't ever let me down
21:07Don't ever leave my life
21:09Tom Tom turn around
21:11Don't ever let me down
21:13Take me for your wife
21:15Please take me
21:17for your wife
21:19Tom Tom's called away
21:21But his wife says stay
21:23He's never had to leave before
21:26Sweet young wife
21:28Only fears for the good life
21:30But she may see no more
21:33And then he hears her call
21:37Tom Tom turn around
21:39Don't ever let me down
21:41Don't ever leave my life
21:44Tom Tom turn around
21:46Don't ever let me down
21:47You can leave your wife
21:49No you can leave your wife
21:53Tom Tom returns
21:55But only to learn
21:57There was truth
21:59In the words he'd ignored
22:01Sweet young wife
22:03Found a new kind of life
22:05A strong man's heart
22:07was torn
22:09Will he always hear
22:11that call?
22:13Tom Tom turn around
22:15Don't ever let me down
22:17Don't ever leave my life
22:20Tom Tom turn around
22:22Don't ever let me down
22:24You can leave your wife
22:26No you can leave your wife
22:29Tom Tom's alone
22:31In a world of his own
22:33When he hears
22:35A new voice call
22:37Be my man
22:39I'll do all that I can
22:41Is this what he's been waiting for?
22:43Will he ever hear
22:45That call?
22:47Will he turn and answer
22:49Her call?
22:51Tom Tom turn around
22:53I'll never let you down
22:55I'll never leave your life
22:58Tom Tom turn around
23:00I'll never let you down
23:02Take me for your wife
23:04Please take me
23:06For your wife
23:09Tom Tom turn around
23:11I'll never let you down
23:13I'll never leave your life
23:15Tom Tom turn around
23:17I'll never let you down
23:19Take me for your wife
23:21Please take me
23:23For your wife
23:26And Tom Tom turn around
23:28And Tom Tom turn around
23:30And Tom Tom turn around
23:32And Tom Tom turn around
23:34And Tom Tom turn around
23:36And Tom Tom turn around
23:38And Tom Tom turn around
23:40And Tom Tom turn around
23:42And Tom Tom turn around
23:43And Tom Tom turn around
23:55Thank you, thank you New World
23:57Well, this is the last program
23:59In this series
24:00And I must say
24:01That I'm certainly going to miss
24:02This chair, you know
24:04It's so comfortable really
24:05You know, most chairs I sit on
24:07My feet don't reach the ground
24:09Mind you, when I was a child
24:11I was even smaller, you know
24:13You don't believe me, no
24:15You know I was, honestly
24:16I could stand up
24:17And my feet didn't reach the ground
24:20If my father hadn't been so generous
24:22I'd have been a foot taller
24:24Every time he saw me
24:25He would give me a penny
24:26And say
24:27There's a good boy
24:28There's a good boy
24:29There's a good boy
24:30Then my brother came along
24:31And he was even smaller than me
24:34He's probably one of the few people
24:36Who have ever been up a vacuum cleaner
24:40We were very lucky
24:41Though we didn't live
24:42In a very tough district
24:44You must have noticed
24:45That most comedians
24:46Were brought up
24:47In tough districts
24:48Not me, no
24:50Where I lived
24:51You could have a reign of terror
24:52With a balloon on a stick
24:56Some of the kids
24:57Were so soft
24:58They were even frightened of me
25:00And the most daring thing
25:01I ever did
25:03I used to leave my bike
25:04Outside a shop
25:06Then I'd sneak up
25:07And let my tires down
25:10Strangely enough
25:12Not, you know
25:13Not being tall
25:14Never affected my relationship
25:15With girls
25:17They didn't like me anyway
25:19I was 24
25:21When I first went out
25:22With my first girlfriend
25:24Or when I second went out
25:25With my first girlfriend
25:26When I first went out
25:27With my second girlfriend
25:28No, when I first went out
25:29With my girlfriend
25:30I was 24
25:31Gladys Hardboard
25:32Was her name
25:34She was thin but youthful
25:38We used to
25:39We used to do our courting
25:40In the local cemetery
25:41You know
25:42Me standing on a headstone
25:43And her with one foot
25:44In the grave
25:47But actually
25:48What I wanted to tell you
25:49About was
25:50After the show
25:51Last week
25:52A chap came up to me
25:53And said
25:54I've often wondered
25:55You know
25:56What you do
25:57When you're not on television
25:58It was my agent
25:59Actually
26:03I never recognised him
26:04Because I haven't seen him
26:05Since we were nuns together
26:06In the Sound of Music
26:07Sonny in
26:08The Sound of Music
26:09There we are
26:10That's enough
26:11I said
26:12I said to him
26:13I see you've got out
26:14Of the habit
26:15He said
26:16No, actually
26:17I haven't
26:18I'm on probation
26:19At the moment
26:20So
26:21So he said
26:22What do you do
26:23Repeat it again
26:24What do you do
26:25When you're not on TV
26:26Well I said
26:27If I'm not working
26:28In the theatre
26:29You know
26:30I'll take a little holiday
26:31Which brings me
26:32Rather neatly
26:33Into what I was actually
26:34You know
26:35Going to tell you
26:37About the story
26:38Of an incident
26:39That happened to me
26:40Last year
26:41When I was on my holiday
26:42In Spain
26:43I say Spain
26:44You know
26:45To give the story
26:46A bit of atmosphere
26:47And character
26:48Actually I spent
26:49My summer holiday
26:50In Arbroath
26:51But you
26:52You've heard
26:53So many stories
26:54About Arbroath
26:55I thought
26:56I'd better make it Spain
26:57And anyway
26:58Since it's about
26:59Bullfighting
27:00It makes a little bit
27:01More sense
27:02If I tell it
27:03About Spain
27:04You know
27:05Rather than
27:06A wonderful bullfighter
27:07Saw in Arbroath
27:08You wouldn't believe
27:09For a minute would you
27:10So anyway
27:11I'm in Spain
27:12On my holiday
27:13And I'm walking down the road
27:14And I happen to notice
27:15There's a little bar
27:16You see
27:17And I thought
27:18I'd pop in
27:19For a little glass of wine
27:20And standing there sipping
27:21And during the time
27:22I was in the bar
27:23I couldn't help noticing
27:24All around the wall
27:25Of this bar
27:26Were bulls heads
27:27You know
27:28Mounted on the wall
27:29They'd been stuffed
27:30You could tell
27:31By the surprised
27:32Look on their faces
27:33And I
27:34I said to the barman
27:35Whose heads
27:36He said
27:37Ah senor
27:38He said
27:39Ah senor
27:40I think he was
27:41From Arbroath as well
27:42He said
27:43Ah senor
27:44He said
27:45These bulls
27:46I kill my own hands
27:47Well actually
27:48I'm sorry
27:49He didn't do that
27:50I'm sorry
27:51No no
27:52He didn't do that
27:53These bulls
27:54I kill my own hands
27:55These bulls
27:56I kill
27:57I don't want to malign
27:58The fellow
27:59You know
28:00If he didn't do that
28:01It's not fair to say
28:02He did do that
28:03No he said
28:04I have my own hand
28:05He said
28:06When I'm a bullfighter
28:07He said
28:08I kill all these bulls
28:09My own bare hands
28:10He said
28:11That bull I kill in Madrid
28:12That one I kill in Barcelona
28:13That one I kill in Toledo
28:14That one I kill in Sicily
28:15I said
28:16That's wonderful
28:17I said
28:18I said
28:19What about the big black one
28:20In the corner
28:21He said
28:22Sir
28:23We no speak of that bull
28:24That bully
28:25Killed my brother
28:26Oh I said
28:27I'm sorry
28:28I wouldn't have brought it up
28:29I shouldn't have mentioned it
28:30I said
28:31You know
28:32I didn't think
28:33Thank you very much
28:34Thank you
28:35Thank you
28:36Thank you
28:37Mr. and Mrs. Cuthbertson please
28:38Oh by the way
28:39If any of the babies
28:40Do start to cry
28:41Rather loudly
28:42I'd be very grateful
28:43If the mothers would simply
28:44Crying
28:45Crying
28:46Crying
28:47Crying
28:48Crying
28:49Crying
28:50Crying
28:51Crying
28:52Crying
28:53Crying
28:54Crying
28:55Crying
28:56Crying
28:57Crying
28:58Crying
28:59Crying
29:00Crying
29:01Crying
29:03Crying
29:04Crying
29:05Crying
29:06Crying
29:07Crying
29:08Crying
29:09Crying
29:10Otherwise you won't hear
29:11A word I'm saying
29:12What did he say
29:13I couldn't hear
29:14Dear
29:15If that blasted baby
29:16Crying
29:17Shh
29:18Don't swear
29:19In church George
29:20I didn't
29:21Mr. and Mrs. Cuthbertson
29:22Please
29:23Sorry
29:26Thank you
29:31Has this child
29:32Been baptized
29:33Or no
29:34No
29:35No, no
29:36No it hasn't
29:38You just have to say no
29:41No
29:44Could I
29:45Could I have a card please
29:47Share this one
29:52Where is it
29:53Where are we
29:56No
29:57It's all right, carry on. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
30:04Dost thou, in the name of this child, renounce the devil, and...
30:19It's not Eric.
30:21What do you mean?
30:23It's not Eric, dear, it's somebody else's baby.
30:26Don't be daft.
30:28Don't call me daft, dear, that's a Chinese baby.
30:31What?
30:33It's a Chinese baby.
30:35Don't be daft.
30:36Don't keep saying I'm daft, dear, the baby's definitely of Chinese origin.
30:42Ooh.
30:44Are you sure? I mean, perhaps he's been crying rather a lot, his little eyes are swollen.
30:49Oh, no, it's definitely a Chinese baby.
30:53Your wife must have slipped up somewhere, then.
30:56Pardon?
30:58I mean, she must have got something the wrong way round.
31:01Pardon?
31:03What I mean is, she must have picked up the wrong pram or something.
31:10Vicar says you must have picked up the wrong pram or something.
31:13Oh, dear.
31:16Look, when was it you went down the Chinese to get that takeaway meal?
31:22Was that...? When was that? Was that last...?
31:25Was that last Thursday?
31:27No, it was Friday.
31:29But Eric was in bed, then.
31:31Perhaps you forgot Eric was in bed and you wheeled another baby home.
31:35Don't be daft.
31:37Then we would have had two babies indoors, silly.
31:40We'd better sort this out.
31:42We'd better sort this out. I'll just give the congregation a hymn to be going on with.
31:46The congregation will now sing hymn number 698,
31:50A Stranger Is Among Us, So Shall We Heed His Crying.
32:04Nelson. What?
32:07You haven't been too timey, have you?
32:10Shh, George.
32:12You didn't have twins, did you, eh?
32:14And you've been keeping this one from me, tucking it under the blankets in the cot,
32:17hoping I wouldn't notice.
32:19Oh, George, you are stupid.
32:21I wouldn't have one Chinese and one English baby, would I?
32:25Well, stranger things have happened at sea, dear.
32:27What's the sea got to do with it? We're in Kneesden.
32:30Well, stranger things happened in Kneesden and all.
32:32Look, the point is, what are we going to do about it?
32:35Do you think we ought to have it christened?
32:37What? Can't call a Chinese baby Eric, can you?
32:42What about Fing Chong?
32:45What's that?
32:46That's the name of the new laundrette, Fing Chong Laundrette.
32:49That's Chinese.
32:51Chinese for what?
32:53Might be Chinese for five minutes, dear.
32:56Can't call him Five Minutes Cuffperson, can we?
33:00Would look very strange on a visiting card, that would.
33:03I don't know any more Chinese names.
33:07I'm certainly not going to exchange our little Mike for a stranger.
33:10I don't think...
33:11Look, have you come to any decision yet?
33:13Because some of the babies are getting rather wet at both ends.
33:16Well, we feel we can't accept responsibility for this little Mike.
33:20We must continue our search for Eric.
33:22He is, after all, the one we started with.
33:24And we do feel our loyalties, you know, in some ways, lie towards him.
33:30Amen.
33:38George, I know, it was the prams outside the church.
33:42I put the pram by the door and then I went down the road to...
33:48Yes, well, I don't understand a word you're saying, but I think I get your drift.
33:53Yes, I'm awfully sorry about that.
33:55Your turn will come in a minute, if you will just wait over there.
33:58I'm sorry.
33:59Ebbers is sorry.
34:00It's all right.
34:01It's all right.
34:02We'll take it back.
34:03Sorry.
34:04It's all right.
34:05Yes, yes.
34:06It was the wife's fault.
34:07It's her fault.
34:08Sorry.
34:09Well, now we can start again, can't we?
34:11Dost thou, in the name of this child, renounce the devil?
34:20This one appears to be a black one.
34:21Is that all?
34:22What?
34:24That's not ours, either.
34:26Oh, really, Elsie?
34:27Really, Elsie?
34:28Honestly, I don't know.
34:29If you're like this now, what's it going to be like after we're married?
34:46They told me when I left the jailhouse
34:50Now try to go straight if you can
34:54Now I'm doing fine cause I'm on a straight line
34:58I work before the railroad man, oh lord
35:02I work before the railroad man
35:11Oh, I crouched all night laying track down
35:15And the wind in the back made me choke
35:19And I felt that the bottom hat fall out of my life
35:22Till I found that my braces had broke, oh lord
35:26I found that my braces had broke
35:36Someone stole my hammer
35:39But I still got on my bread
35:43And life ain't so grand when you're standing on your hands
35:47And driving in the rivers with your head low, low
35:51And driving in the rivers with your head
36:00There's a curve in the track up yonder
36:04I think it's the beginning of the end
36:08I've tried going straight but it's sad to relate
36:12I think I'm going round the bend, oh lord
36:16I think I'm going round the bend
36:30Thank you very much, thank you very much
36:32Hi there, lovely people
36:34It sure is a downright treat to be with you again
36:36Ain't that right, Fat Belly?
36:37Sure is, Big Jim
36:39My buddy, ladies and gentlemen, Fat Belly Jones
36:42Howdy, people
36:47Yes, sir, it always is a privilege to be allowed into your homes like this
36:50And Fat Belly here, of course, he's been in more homes than I have, ain't you?
36:53Yeah, that's right, Jim, yeah
36:55Just come out of one last week
36:57Are you better?
36:58Oh, sure enough, Jim, yeah
37:00Ain't right, but I'm better
37:03Of course, you know, traveling around the countryside as we do
37:05You know, not doing a regular job
37:07You know, just getting our food and shelter where we can
37:09Well, kind of, kind of affects you, you know, good people
37:12Really does, a strange sort of feeling comes over you
37:14Pleasant, unworldly, calm
37:16Settles in your soul
37:18And we have a name for that in the folk world
37:20We call it, uh, laziness
37:23I love being lazy
37:25I really work at it
37:27Now, we've just sung you a work song
37:29And now we're gonna sing you a love song
37:31Because love and work, well, they're the really two big things in people's lives, ain't they?
37:34I mean, what else is there?
37:35Well, there's food
37:37Yeah, we tried that one time, didn't we?
37:39Fat Belly wrote a song all about food once
37:41What do you call that song, Fat Belly?
37:43I'm in love with a big red jelly
37:46Never caught on, though
37:48No, no, it certainly didn't, boy, that was a lulu
37:51It was a lulu, yeah
37:53People didn't know whether to sing it, eat it, or throw it in the fan
37:56Anyway, here's a song on Fat Belly
37:58Fat Belly here's got a new instrument
38:00He's just invented it
38:01Show the good people your new instrument, Fat
38:03Well, there it is, Big Jim
38:05That's it here, see?
38:06Yeah, there we are
38:07Mighty strange, mighty strange piece of equipment you've got there, boy
38:11That's very sweet of you, Jim
38:13What do you rightly call it?
38:15Well, I don't rightly call it anything, Big Jim
38:18But I suppose if I was called anything, well, I guess I'd call it Norman
38:26Why, Norman?
38:27It's my favorite name
38:30But that's for a man
38:31No, I like women, too, if I call Norman
38:35You're right, you ain't right, are you?
38:38Okay, let's hit the song
38:39A little song Fat Belly thought of while he was taking a bath
38:41And it's called The Dimples in Her Cheeks
38:48Oh, the dimples in her cheeks
38:50Oh, the dimples in her cheeks
38:52And the ribbons in her hair
38:54And the ribbons in her hair
38:56And the rosebuds on her lips
38:57And the rosebuds on her lips
38:59And the lacy underwear
39:01Oh, the dimples in her cheeks
39:04There's a girl who lives near me, pretty as a pin
39:08Whenever I go by her place, she always lets me in
39:11She's a girl without no brains, she's simple, so they say
39:16But when I take her in the woods, she always knows the way
39:20Oh, the dimples in her cheeks
39:22Oh, the dimples in her cheeks
39:24And the sunburn on her knees
39:26And the sunburn on her knees
39:28And the music in her voice
39:30And the music in her voice
39:32And she tries so hard to please
39:34Oh, the sunburn on her knees
39:36When first we met, she was wearing pants
39:38Pushing an old iron plow
39:40At first I thought she was a boy
39:42But I don't think so now
39:44Sometimes we go for buggy rides
39:46And other times we walk
39:48I'd like to ask the gal her name
39:50But we don't get time to talk
39:52Oh, the dimples in her cheeks
39:55Oh, the dimples in her cheeks
39:57And the purples on her back
39:59And the purples on her back
40:01And the starlight in her eyes
40:03And the starlight in her eyes
40:05And she loves my brother Jack
40:07What a shame she married Jack
40:09What a shame she married Jack
40:27Here we go with the dozy doe
40:29All joined hands and ready to go
40:31Here's to the girl who's pretty and neat
40:33Here's to the girl with two left feet
40:35Swing your partner round and round
40:37Splash her on the ceiling, bang her on the ground
40:39Grab her by the ankles quick
40:41Swing around until she's sick
40:49Now the ladies take their place
40:51Crouching down like a sitting duck
40:53Grab your partner round the waist
40:55Pull him to the ground in the best of luck
41:04Now ladies turn the other way
41:06The men advance, don't try to stop
41:08You raise your arms in mock dismay
41:10You bow to the men and then you drop
41:13Not you, darling
41:15Now is the time to end our song
41:17Hope we ain't broke from all your bones
41:19So we'd like to say go long
41:23Big Jim Joseph and Matt Belly Jones
41:26Yee-haw!
41:28Right on!
41:33Thank you!
41:49Well, that's all for this week
41:51and indeed the present series
41:53We'd like to thank everyone who's been on the show
41:55during the series
41:57Yes, especially our regular guests
41:59Tina Charles, New World and Madeleine Smith
42:01and there's still some time for late news
42:03After Scotland Yard had reported
42:05that Ronald Biggs had undergone
42:07extensive plastic surgery
42:09Interpol tonight put him on their list
42:11of the ten most wanted women
42:15Raquel Welsh was rushed to hospital tonight
42:17with a temperature of 105
42:19The doctor who examined her was rushed out of the hospital
42:21with a temperature of 106
42:27A man who swallowed five pounds
42:29worth of pennies and hapenies
42:31was rushed to Southend Hospital yesterday
42:33Doctors say he spent
42:35a quiet night and 43 pence
42:41They...
42:43They don't expect any change tomorrow
42:47And at an international get-together
42:49in London this evening, the drunken host
42:51took a pen away from a man from Pennsylvania
42:53removed the wig of a man from Wigan
42:55and the tie of a man from Thailand
42:57A lady from Nicaragua left hurriedly
43:05And now, it's goodnight from me
43:07And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight!
43:09Goodnight
43:27Goodnight
43:29Goodnight
43:31Goodnight
43:33Goodnight
43:35Goodnight
43:37Goodnight
43:39Goodnight
43:41Goodnight
43:43Goodnight
43:45Goodnight
43:47Goodnight
43:49Goodnight
43:51Goodnight
43:53Goodnight
43:55Goodnight