The Two Ronnies - 102 [couchtripper][U]
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Good evening. It's very nice to see you all again, isn't it, Ronnie?
00:29Yes, very nice.
00:30We've got a packed show for you tonight.
00:32Yeah, I packed it myself.
00:35The author of the Penguin Cookbook will be demonstrating a number of ways of cooking penguins.
00:42We shall consider loneliness with a special report from the Archbishop of Golders Green.
00:49And we shall be discussing government ministries.
00:51Are there too many?
00:52We'll be hearing the views of the Minister of State and Kidney Pudding.
00:56Percy Edwards was to have been on the programme,
00:58but he was taken ill this afternoon while rehearsing a bird impression.
01:06A worm he was eating apparently disagreed with him.
01:09And now a choice of viewing.
01:11You can watch with this eye or with this eye.
01:15Now, here is the news.
01:17Milk bottles were thrown at a meeting of the Milk Marketing Board today,
01:21and at a meeting of the Egg Marketing Board was also broken up when eggs were thrown.
01:25A mass meeting of the Manure Marketing Board has been cancelled.
01:32A leading London football team is to give away plastic models of petrol pump attendants.
01:41A man who ate scampi contaminated with mercury is suing the Alpha Bottle Scampi Company for injuries.
01:49He says that every time the temperature goes up, his head shoots up and hits the ceiling.
01:55The man who stole a valuable necklace and hat and garden today was luckily seen by four witnesses.
01:59They described him as a man with a snubbed nose and a pointed beard,
02:02a man with a Roman nose and blue eyes,
02:04a man with a hooked nose, brown eyes and one very high eyebrow,
02:07and a little old lady with a shopping basket.
02:09Thanks to their description, the police issued this identikit picture.
02:17A great triumph for English football tonight.
02:19We beat Hungary 2-1 in the second half, after losing 8-0 in the first half.
02:26In the old Calcutta Cup for nude rugby, Barbarians versus the Luton Girls Choir,
02:32there were three tries in the first half, only two of them successful.
02:41And now we take a look at the state of the party.
02:52John Darby! How lovely to see you.
02:56I'm so glad you could come.
02:58Let me give you a drink.
02:59Oh, thanks so much.
03:00There you are.
03:01Cheers.
03:02Now, who do you know?
03:03Oh, come across and meet Mr Goldie.
03:05You're bound to have lots in common.
03:07For God's sake, don't mention baldness.
03:09He's very sensitive about it.
03:11Why ever should I mention baldness?
03:13I hope I'd be a bit more tactful than that, shan't I?
03:15I mean, I'm not even remotely interested in baldness.
03:17Just don't talk about it.
03:19I won't talk about it.
03:20John, this is Mr Goldie.
03:22Hello, Baldie.
03:26How do you do?
03:28Yes, how do you do?
03:30How do you do?
03:31Well, good heavens, you're the spitting image of a friend of mine.
03:35Really?
03:36Yes.
03:37Curly Smithers.
03:38Yes.
03:39Yes.
03:40Well, I mean, that's a joke, of course.
03:42We call him Curly.
03:43Because he's got...
03:45Because he's got...
03:49He's got the same brown eyes that you haven't got either.
03:53Only my eyes are brown.
03:56Yes, yes, exactly.
03:57Well, that's it, you see.
03:58You've both got exactly the same long eyelashes.
04:00It's nature's way of compensating, I suppose.
04:03Compensating?
04:04Compensating for what?
04:06Oh, for your...
04:07For such a tiny nose.
04:09Yes.
04:10Yes, I mean, well, nothing wrong in that, is there?
04:12I mean, it's jolly convenient.
04:13You get more mileage from a box of tissues for a start.
04:16I've never been aware that my nose was particularly tiny.
04:19Oh, no, it isn't.
04:20Oh, it isn't.
04:21No, no, it's only by comparison.
04:22By comparison with what?
04:24Well, with comparison with the vast...
04:27With the vast expanse of your ears.
04:31But my ears aren't particularly big.
04:33No, no, but they're not hidden in any way, are they?
04:36By your height.
04:41Tell me, have you been to any good films recently?
04:45Oh, no, no, no.
04:46I never go to films.
04:47No, no, no.
04:48I prefer the cinema.
04:49I prefer...
04:50No, the last film I saw was The King and I.
04:53Yes, you know, you'll...
04:57You'll...
04:58You'll remember that film.
05:01Arnold Brinner was in it.
05:03Arnold Brinner.
05:04Now, he's a chap that you are like.
05:06Yes, you both definitely got the same mouth.
05:09Yes, you're a dead ringer for him.
05:11Well, not him exactly, but the other chap in the film.
05:13Deborah Carr?
05:14Yes!
05:16Yes, Deborah Carr.
05:17Was that joke off the top of your head?
05:19Anyway...
05:21There was another lovely, wonderful film with it.
05:23Wonderful film all about Indians on the war path, you know,
05:25charging around with their tomahawks and taking...
05:29Taking people's knick-knacks and life savings
05:32and all whizzing back to the wig...
05:34The wig...
05:35The wogwams.
05:37Wogwams?
05:38Wogwams, yes.
05:39You know, the wogwams.
05:40The wog...
05:41The wams where the wogs live.
05:42You know, the...
05:43What are they called?
05:44The tents, you know.
05:45What are they called?
05:46Toupets.
05:47Teepees!
05:49Look, why don't we both stop beating about the bush
05:51and say it out loud?
05:53I'm bored.
05:54Oh, dear.
05:55Am I boring you?
05:56Oh, I'm sorry.
05:57People, yes, I talk to, but I'm afraid...
05:59Not bored, bald.
06:00Yes, my language gets very bald, and to the point, yes, it does.
06:03Not your bloody language, my bloody head!
06:05I'd keep your hair on.
06:09I'm bald, bald, bald!
06:11You're embarrassing people.
06:13Besides, you're not bald.
06:14I am bloody bald.
06:15You're not.
06:16You've got masses of hair, man.
06:17I mean, veritable tresses of it.
06:19Well, it's coming out of your ears.
06:22Good God, it's coming out of your nose as well.
06:24Where else?
06:25What else do you want?
06:27I want you to say it out loud and admit it.
06:29I am bald.
06:30You may be thinning a little on top.
06:32Yes, I mean, you may.
06:33I mean, well, we all are, aren't we?
06:35David Nixon, Sterling Moss, Anita Harris.
06:38I mean, we're all receding, aren't we?
06:41But grass doesn't grow on a busy street, you know.
06:44And you know what they say?
06:45Bald head, warm hands.
06:48Bald and short.
06:49Good God, I think every time you come down to breakfast,
06:51your wife hits you over the head with the egg spoon, doesn't she?
06:54Don't stand around in billiard halls, will you?
06:56You'll get cannon to the top pocket.
06:59Good God, what am I saying?
07:01Now, you two are obviously getting along far too well.
07:04Yes.
07:05John, meet Mr. Carter.
07:06Ah.
07:07My God, you've got a big one, haven't you?
07:10I didn't mean your nose.
07:11I meant...
07:14Now, you.
07:22They call me good time Charlie
07:27Well, Charlie's not my name
07:30But I'm gonna have a good time
07:33Just the same
07:36And if you think these teardrops
07:39Because you said goodbye
07:42You're wrong
07:43I just got summer in my eyes
07:48I'm not crying
07:52Big boys don't cry
07:55I just got summer in my eyes
07:59And it hurts a little bit
08:01I'm not crying
08:04I'll tell you why
08:07I just got summer in my eyes
08:13Well, babe, they say we live and learn
08:16And I guess that saying's true
08:19I know I've learned an awful lot
08:22Just by loving you
08:25And if you think your leaving
08:28Is clouding up my sky
08:31You're wrong
08:32I just got summer in my eyes
08:38I'm not crying
08:41Big boys don't cry
08:44I just got summer in my eyes
08:48And it hurts a little bit
08:50I'm not crying
08:53I'll tell you why
08:56I just got summer in my eyes
09:02I think I'll read the funny papers
09:05And maybe climb a tree
09:08A lonesome and his funny friends
09:11Have got a hold on me
09:14And if you see me crying
09:17The third week in July
09:20You'll know I just got summer in my eyes
09:26I'm not crying
09:29Big boys don't cry
09:32I just got summer in my eyes
09:36And it hurts a little bit
09:38I'm not crying
09:41I'll tell you why
09:44I just got summer in my
09:47Well, I just got summer in my
09:50I just got summer in my
09:56applause
10:08applause
10:24My brief sojourn at Hampton Week,
10:26the country house of old Sir Geoffrey Hampton and his son Edward,
10:29had been brought to an abrupt end
10:32by the behaviour of the old man.
10:34And although Edward's love for me had been very evident,
10:37I had been forced to break it off,
10:40which naturally caused him much pain.
10:47But now I had arrived in the city,
10:49penniless and without lodgings.
10:53But as fate would have it,
10:55this was soon remedied.
10:57A chance meeting with two honest labourers,
11:00Jim Soakes and Arnold Nadger,
11:03resulted in them offering to share with me
11:05their humble accommodation at a hotel,
11:07which was not far distant,
11:09and went once repaired to the warmth and comfort
11:12of the Three Crutches Inn,
11:14for so it was called.
11:21What did you say your moniker was?
11:23Name, darling, name.
11:24Oh, Henrietta Beckett.
11:26I shall call you Nancy.
11:28But why Mr Soakes?
11:30He calls everybody Nancy, that's why.
11:32It's a habit with him, he calls me Nancy sometimes.
11:36What do you say?
11:37Well, I deny it, don't I?
11:42Oi, Nancy.
11:43Why don't you shut your head?
11:45Ladies eating, can't you?
11:46Oh my, Nancy.
11:48Why don't you shut your head?
11:49I'll shut your head in a minute with me cudgel.
11:52Take no notice, dear, he's moody,
11:53he's very moody, you know, very moody.
11:56What are you good at, Nancy?
11:58Oh.
12:00That's a nice question to ask a lady
12:02when she's got her mouth full.
12:05My accomplishments are pitifully few, I'm afraid,
12:08but I have a little French.
12:09A little French what?
12:12Oh God, pray continue, dear, pray.
12:15Well, I can play the piano 40,
12:17sing a little,
12:18and also perform reasonably well on my bass oboe.
12:21Go on, we'll set her up as a one-man band, Addy.
12:25Not all at once, Clawfedge.
12:27Would you say you had a certain softness of touch, my dear,
12:30regarding the piano 40?
12:32Yes, many people have agreed
12:34that my fingers have a certain lightness, it's true.
12:37Oh, light fingers, Jimmy.
12:40I think we could safely say
12:41we can find appropriate employment for the lady, wouldn't you?
12:45Yeah, you mean pitiful.
12:46Why don't you shut your head?
12:50And so it was, dear reader,
12:52that I discovered the true profession of my two hosts,
12:56they were common thieves and pickpockets.
12:59They proceeded to train me in their nefarious arts
13:02and inform me that tomorrow morning
13:05my aptitude would be put to the test.
13:11It was after midnight when the lesson finally came to an end
13:15and I was allowed to sink down onto one of the straw beds,
13:19whereupon I fell almost immediately into a deep sleep.
13:27LAUGHTER
13:29ROOSTER CROWS
13:32ROOSTER CROWS
13:41LAUGHTER
13:46You awake, Jim? Oh.
13:48You awake, Jim? Oh.
13:52Just about.
13:54How did you sleep?
13:55Cosy, very cosy, me old darling.
13:58What do you mean?
13:59Why don't you shut your head?
14:01Come on, I must wake up, I'll sleep in beauty.
14:03I've got to get down to a graft in this market square.
14:05Come on, dear. Come on, Henrietta.
14:07Wake up, dear, come on.
14:08Got to go and earn your breakfast.
14:10Well, if I must, I must. Yes, you must.
14:12I'm ready.
14:13I shall accompany you to the square,
14:15retreat to a safe distance
14:17so that I can keep my wither eye in your dainty little fingers.
14:22Cheerio, then, Jim.
14:23Cheerio, but be back soon.
14:25Cheerio.
14:26And keep on working and don't stay out till noon.
14:29Be back soon. I know, I know.
14:35And so I began my life of crime.
14:38Nadja took me to a busy part of the city
14:41where the wealthy gentlemen gathered to pass the time of day
14:44or to watch a street show.
14:46MUSIC PLAYS
14:51It was here that I was to make my first drop, as he called it.
15:21APPLAUSE
15:36My heart was pounding as I edged closer to my chosen victim.
15:40Would he feel my touch?
15:42Would he catch me in the act?
15:45LAUGHTER
15:51APPLAUSE
16:10Thank you, my dear.
16:12Same time tomorrow?
16:14LAUGHTER
16:19She was hopeless, Jim, hopeless.
16:21Are you trying to tell me she shopped at?
16:24Of course she didn't shop us. Huh?
16:26No, no, don't get so truculent. You always get so truculent.
16:29No, she'll make us a fortune.
16:31What do you want to buy her?
16:33Well, they just stood her and let her do it.
16:35They loved having their pockets picked by a pretty girl.
16:38Jim boy, we struck it rich.
16:40Oh, look at that lot.
16:43From that day on, I never looked back.
16:46And happily, neither did my victims.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:12But it was not to last.
17:14I became careless.
17:16Less discerning in my choice of victim.
17:19And it was this that brought about my downfall.
17:30Hello, hello, hello.
17:34So it will do for you.
17:36Why don't you shut your head?
17:38What?
17:39I'm trying to get some sleep, you great big lump of lard.
17:51I was by this time in the very depths of despair.
17:55I had betrayed my friends,
17:57and through my own careless actions
18:00was now incarcerated in a debtor's prison,
18:03unable to pay my fine.
18:05Oh, God, was there no hope at all?
18:10Oi, you, big eyes.
18:13You can go home.
18:15What? What did you say?
18:17You're released. Someone's paid you fine.
18:19But who? Who?
18:21This kind gentleman and his good lady here.
18:24A thousand salutations, dear lady.
18:27Allow me to present myself.
18:29William McMaster, actor-manager.
18:31Hamlet, Falstaff, Othello and Charlie's aunt.
18:35The Rage of the North.
18:37I'm honoured to know you, sir.
18:39That being so, my dear,
18:41you will be doubly honoured to meet my esteemed spouse,
18:44Mrs McMaster.
18:46A pitiful Ophelia, a towering Lady Macbeth
18:49and a wonderful Titania to my bottom.
18:52What a terrible flatterer.
18:54So you are McMaster. That's what you are.
18:56I saw you through the grating this morning as you lay on your bunk.
18:59I said to myself, as I watched your breast heave in sorrow,
19:03it's the little ups and downs that make life worth living.
19:06I'll secure her release.
19:08She will be a great asset to the show.
19:10The show? The theatre, my dear young lady.
19:13The theatre.
19:14You are to be my new juvenile leading lady and banjoist.
19:18You mean I'm to be trained as an actress?
19:20That's it, in that case, my dear.
19:22Now, come on, McMaster, there's no time to be lost.
19:24We must get her her costumes and her wigs and her shoes and that sort of thing.
19:27So that eventually I may actually appear on the stage?
19:30Eventually, poppycock, you're on tonight.
19:33Come.
19:34I think you'll be about size 12.
19:37And so, once more, I was plunged into another adventure.
19:42And that very evening found myself playing the title role
19:45in McMaster's latest production.
19:49Mrs. McMaster had been a great help to me during that long and exciting day.
19:53But as it turned out,
19:55her concern over what I should wear proved to be unnecessary.
19:59MUSIC
20:01APPLAUSE
20:12MUSIC
20:15MUSIC
20:45MUSIC
20:48MUSIC
20:51MUSIC
20:54MUSIC
20:57MUSIC
21:00MUSIC
21:03MUSIC
21:06MUSIC
21:09MUSIC
21:12MUSIC
21:15MUSIC
21:18MUSIC
21:21MUSIC
21:24MUSIC
21:27MUSIC
21:30MUSIC
21:33MUSIC
21:36MUSIC
21:39Oh, she's gonna tell ya it's the only way to be
21:53Dyin' all the time
21:59Lose your dreams and you might lose your mind
22:07Oh, it's life and death
22:15All the time
22:19Who needs you, man?
22:21Who is gonna have an end?
22:26And when you've changed
22:30We're there for you, man
22:32Somebody missed you
22:38Who needs you, man?
22:43Who is gonna have an end?
22:48And when you've changed
22:51We're there for you, man
22:54Somebody missed you
23:02. . .
23:11Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
23:17Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
23:22Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
23:28Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
23:33Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
23:39Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
23:44Goodbye
23:52Thank you, Tina Charles. Isn't she terrific? Super, isn't she?
24:10I had rather hoped, I must be honest, I had rather hoped that she would sing Annie Laurie
24:15because it would have helped me very neatly into a joke I was going to tell about a lorry
24:20and, um, it's a driver, um, it does help a joke, you know, it does help
24:25Feel free, please, feel free
24:27It does, it does help a joke
24:29I'm laughing, won't you join me?
24:31It does help, it does help a joke, you know, when it's contrived into the setting
24:36and frankly this one about the lorry driver needs all the help it can get
24:40Anyway, I'll work it in a bit later
24:43By the way, in case some of you may have been wondering why I brought this chair out here with me
24:48I'll tell you. Company. That's all
24:53You may say to yourself, what sort of company is an ordinary old kitchen chair?
24:57Well, frankly, not much
25:00But it's better than nothing
25:04Not much better, but a bit better
25:07Actually, it was my old grandfather's chair
25:11My grandfather, old Gladys Corbett
25:15He worked, he worked for 20 years in a hormone factory
25:24And when he died about four years ago, he left his body to the borough council
25:30I must write to them again, I know they're busy, but it's ridiculous, they've not collected it yet
25:35There is a rumour, there's a rumour that when he went, he left all his money hidden in this chair
25:43Now, if he did, I haven't seen any science bits, but I haven't really looked
25:48Although it's possible, let's face it, he was no Irish Paul Getty
25:53When he was 86, he was 86 when he died
25:58And right up to the end, he had all his own tooth
26:03And an enormous, an enormous shock of thick wavy hair
26:08Magnificent thick wavy hair
26:10You should have seen it, honestly, what I mean, I'll let you know, he actually died of dandruff
26:15Now, the reason I've told you about the chair is not merely to waste your time
26:21You know, I expect you've all got better things to do and things you'd sooner be doing
26:25I know I have, I breed racehorses
26:30Now, I haven't actually bred any yet, but I've got a damn good idea how it's done
26:36Now, the reason, that's the sort you like, is it, I see
26:42The reason I've told you about this chair is that I don't want people to think there's any special relationship, you know, between us
26:48I mean, I do like the chair, but I'm not in love with it, you know
26:53I mean, you can get too attached to things
26:56I learned my lesson over the sideboard
27:00Now, never again
27:05One day, one day it was stolen, it was my own fault
27:08I left it outside a shop in the pram and came in, two minutes later it had gone
27:14It was a fish shop, actually, the chap upstairs had asked me to get a cod's head for his cat
27:19He had some funny idea about doing a strange transplant
27:22Anyway, anyway, that, that chair was one of my grandfather's most treasured possessions
27:33That and the joke about the lorry driver who worked on the safari in Africa
27:40What a sneaky way of getting into it
27:42This lorry driver, who worked on a safari, rather than a safari driver who worked on a lorry
27:49Pathetic, isn't it?
27:54He returned, he returned on, you know, home one summer on leave
28:00And he went to see his doctor for a check-up
28:03And he was rather fond of him anyway on the side, but he wanted to tell you
28:07They've been writing rather a lot, but they haven't seen each other for a while
28:11He went to see his doctor for a check-up, you see
28:15He went to see his doctor for a check-up, you see
28:17When the examination was all over, he turned to the doctor rather seriously, I thought
28:24I don't know why I had the cheek to think that, I wasn't there
28:26But anyway, he turned to the doctor, he said
28:28Doctor, has it ever been known
28:30It's rather well spoken, safari lorry driver
28:35He said, has it ever been known for a human being to fall desperately in love with an elephant
28:41And for that elephant to return that love
28:43And the doctor said, no, of course not
28:51He was rather a badly educated doctor, he said
28:53No, of course it pleads not possible for an elephant
28:59Absolutely, completely out of the question for an elephant to fall in love with a person
29:03Or a person to fall in love with the elephant
29:05So the lorry driver said, well, in that case
29:07In that case, I don't know if you might know of anyone who wants to buy an extremely large engagement ring
29:38Er, excuse me, you're standing on my pinks
29:42Me Tarzan
29:44Oh, how do you do?
29:46Er, me Arthur Norris
29:50Me look for lost city
29:52Oh, that's a coincidence, me look for greenfly
29:56This not lost city
29:58No, this well-engarded city
30:02You're, er, you're not local then
30:04Me Tarzan
30:06Yes, sir, you already said, yes
30:08Me look for lost city
30:10Me look for Jane
30:12Jane go, no come back
30:14What Tarzan do?
30:16Well, um, Tarzan could put a card in tobacconist's window
30:23Me Arthur Norris put card in Mr. Prendergast's window when tiger disappeared
30:28Ah, you see tiger, no worry
30:30Tarzan kill tiger, bare hands, under water
30:34Oh, you're a vet
30:37No, me king of jungle
30:39Tiger kill cattle, Tarzan kill tiger
30:42Oh, I see, no, I think you've got it all slightly wrong because, er, tiger is in fact a cat
30:46Yes
30:48Oh, well, as you've already said you live about these parts and you're not living this road precisely
30:53Um, where exactly do you live?
30:55Tarzan live in trees
30:57Oh, really?
30:59Well, I don't wish to, it's funny that I haven't bumped into you before really
31:02In the garden, I don't wish to appear inhospitable
31:05But, I mean, if you're thinking of settling around about this area
31:08I'd rather, if you don't mind, you didn't settle in that tree there
31:11That's an apple tree, rather nice apple tree, it's a cox, you see
31:14And although I say it myself, a nicer cox is orange pippin you never did taste
31:17Now, if you were going to settle in this area, I think you could do worse than settle in Mr. Stroud's pear tree
31:22I wouldn't eat the fruit because he never said
31:24No
31:26Oh, that's rather a nasty touch of indigestion you've got
31:30No, Tarzan bloody bored with conversation
31:35Oh, that's nice, after my kindness to you
31:38Well, don't you come crawling to me when you want to borrow my lawn edger
31:41Arthur
31:42Oh, that'll be the wife, just back from the shop
31:44I'm in the garden, dear
31:45Have the decency to cover yourself up a little bit, please, not for ladies
31:48Arthur, I've just been talking to Tarzan
31:51Jane
31:52How do you know her name?
31:54You, Jane, me, Tarzan, come
31:58I'm sorry, Arthur, he was bound to find me sometime
32:02Well, if you're not going to say goodbye, at least give us a push
32:13Well, you can say what you like about the place
32:16There's never a dull moment in Welling Garden City, is there?
32:24Joe, Jack and Johnny
32:28MUSIC
32:58TRUMPETS
33:28TRUMPETS
33:59TRUMPETS
34:13GUNSHOT
34:16TRUMPETS
34:25LAUGHTER
34:28LAUGHTER
34:35Acrobatics!
34:36TRUMPETS
34:37Oh!
34:39Up, up, up, up
34:43WHISTLE
34:46LAUGHTER
34:49TRUMPETS
34:50Up!
34:53MUSIC
34:58CLAPPING
35:28MUSIC
35:36CLAPPING
35:49Gilbert and Sullivan are we
35:51We've got an act you've got to see
35:53I'm Mr Words
35:54I'm Melody
35:57Each little tune a duel
35:59We're going to have a swinging party
36:01Call me Bill
36:02Then call me Marty
36:03We're going to get real doily party
36:06Music's made to drool
36:08We're going to play it cool
36:16Thank you, thank you
36:17CLAPPING
36:22Thank you, you're really beautiful
36:24And it's really wonderful to be here in our wonderful country
36:27Well, let's start the proceeding, shall we
36:29With something that Pops and I knocked out way back in 1882
36:33Yes, our greatest hit, Iolanthe
36:35I hope you'll remember it
36:45I love you, Iolanthe
36:49You're the only girl I fancy
36:53Oh, my heart, I promise you
37:01All the same, I beg your pardon
37:05But I promised no rose garden
37:09We were strangers in the night
37:13Doobie, doobie, doobie, doobie, doobie
37:16Doobie, doobie, doobie, doobie
37:21And for a show called 80 Miss Pinafore
37:23The professor and I came up with this swinging little opus
37:26And I hope as well you like it
37:34My wife's name is Buttercup
37:37Big rugged Buttercup
37:39When she plays rugby, don't scoff
37:42On Saturday, Buttercup won the Calcutta Cup
37:46When will she really kick off?
37:50Yes, and then we wrote a little ditty
37:53That did us a lot of good, chart-wise, Bill
37:55Coming right up, maestro
38:01Oh, I'm going to marry Yum-Yum
38:03Yum-Yum
38:04She'll soon be a mummy
38:05Cos yummy, yum-yummy
38:06I'd love in my tummy, tum-tum
38:08Tum-tum
38:09Stick that in your family album
38:10Bum-bum
38:11Bum-bum
38:16A shy samurai went to London
38:20To buy seven blankets, two sheets and a pillow
38:25And he married the maiden who first caught his eye
38:29At that firm run by Waring and Gillow
38:33There was never a subject they quarrelled about
38:37Of their love for each other, there wasn't a doubt
38:40Till she wore the low neckline, t'was then they fell out
38:44They willow, they willow, they willow
38:54Oh, we sailed the deep blue sea
38:56And although you'd never think it
38:58The rum's too strong for me
39:00But I like the men who drink it
39:11There's a sailor lying drunk and feeling peaky
39:16Feeling peaky
39:17In the gutter where the pavement curvy grips
39:20Curvy grips
39:22And he cries, my craft, the pinnafore is leaky
39:25Fore is leaky
39:27What the navy needs is more efficient ships
39:31Efficient ships
39:40Oh, I lost my little sweetie pie in Venice
39:45Pie in Venice
39:46Let me warn you, never go there with a girl
39:50With a gal
39:52Cause those handsome gondoliers are quite a menace
39:56Quite a menace
39:57As they ply the trade upon that far canal
40:02Fancy that
40:05Drink
40:08Here's a tootle-do, time to say adieu
40:12Though we hate to leave at all, folks
40:14That o'clock upon the wall still says our act is through
40:17So goodbye to you
40:19Now we've got a bit, every chip got bit
40:22And although it's sure to grieve you
40:24Now it's time to love and leave you
40:26Now it's time to spit
40:29Arrivederci and goodness, folks, do we love you
40:31Yes, yes, yes, folks
40:32So tootle-do from G&S, folks
40:34And though it's rather trite, we'd like to say
40:38We'd very much like to say how pleasant it's been
40:40To pass the time with you and to think, thank you
40:43And indeed think of you as well as thank you
40:45For your love and kindness throughout the years
40:48Because kindness is, after all, isn't it, what love is all about?
40:52But then there's a little verse that says it all so perfectly
40:55We found a wounded pigeon once, we never will forget it
40:58We took the poor thing and we mended its wing
41:00It was well by the spring, so we ate it
41:07Godot!
41:31Well, thank you very much
41:35Well, that's all for this week
41:37This programme was in fact repeated at 11.15 this morning
41:41So if you've just switched on, you've missed it twice already
41:46Next week we'll be talking to the Mufti of Baroda
41:49The lounge suit of Hyderabad and the bedsock of Bangalore
41:53We'll also talk to a Trappist monk who will ask this question
42:01Meanwhile, on BBC One at 9.20 tonight
42:04You can see our new serial, The Meat Paste Saga
42:07This is, of course, a potted version
42:11And for those of you who are worried about pollution in the channel
42:14We are pleased to report a coastguard today
42:16Sighted a 500-yard slick of clear water
42:21And we leave you with a warning to motorists
42:24Take great care on the Kneesden flyover
42:27As it hasn't been built yet
42:30So it's goodnight from me
42:33And goodnight from him
42:35Goodnight
42:59APPLAUSE
43:29APPLAUSE