The Two Ronnies - 103 [couchtripper][U]

  • 2 days ago

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Fun
Transcript
00:00Good evening. Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie?
00:28Lovely, yes. And first, the thing that's on everybody's mind this Saturday night.
00:32No, no, not that. The census.
00:37First results of this fully confidential inquiry are beginning to leak through.
00:4134% have parents born in Chantelieu.
00:4817% asked what they did on cold winter evenings, wrote, wrap up.
00:54And 28% live in houses called Get Knotted.
01:02At tonight's banquet for midgets,
01:09a rousing reception was given when a trolley was wheeled in and the president's wife burst out of an iced donut.
01:18And now, here is tonight's football.
01:24And now, the medical news.
01:26A man was taken to a nursing home today after being found wandering in the street, dressed only in a codpiece.
01:31He said, I find a bit of haddock more fashionable, but the fishmonger had run out.
01:38Earlier this morning, a man was beaten up outside a Harley Street psychiatrist's consulting rooms.
01:44Police wish to interview four men or two schizophrenics.
01:49A painter and decorator was taken to Wandsworth Police Station today.
01:52Later, a man was said to be helping the police with their wallpapering.
01:57Here is the result of the by-election in Matagouliland.
02:02Mr. Odingo Obingo, Conservative, three nuts.
02:08Mrs. Odingo Obingo, Women's Liberation Front, no nuts.
02:16Chief... Sorry, no, I think you're right second time.
02:23Oh, all right then.
02:25Chief...
02:27Burst out of an iced donut.
02:34Chief Bongo Odongo, Welsh Nationalist, 4,000 nuts, three strings of beads, two shrunken heads and a partridge in a pear tree.
02:43The Reverend Simon Thisby, Christian Conversions of Cannibals Party, two books of grace, one pound of carrots and a pinch of salt.
02:50Chief Yum Yum, Cannibal Party, 3,000 nuts, two pygmies and the Reverend Simon Thisby.
02:56Spoilt nuts, one.
02:58Spoilt candidates, four.
03:01Paul Elephant lost his deposit.
03:04Now it's time once again to consider the state of the party.
03:16Hello.
03:19What did you say?
03:21I just said hello.
03:23And what else did you say besides hello?
03:25No, I didn't say anything else. I just said hello.
03:28I see. Not hello, you boring old git who the hell invited you.
03:32No, I didn't say that.
03:34Ah, I see. Perhaps it was more in the lines of hello, you great, ugly, fat, mealy-mouthed sadist. I wish you were dead.
03:41No, I just said hello. I was standing over there as a matter of fact and I saw that nobody was talking to you over here so I popped over here just to say hello.
03:47I never did.
03:49What?
03:50Well, you implied that Dorothy and I were having a relationship.
03:54When?
03:55Just now. All that stuff about the car not being in the garage.
03:57I never said anything about the car.
03:59No, but you implied it, didn't you?
04:01All I said was hello.
04:03Yes, but look at the way you said it.
04:04What?
04:05Well, like the car wasn't in the garage and he left the light on in the study to make his wife think he was working late, sort of way.
04:10I'm sorry if it sounded like that. It wasn't meant to. It was just meant to sound like, you know, hello, how are you?
04:16Oh, I see. Hello, how are you going to explain the hot pants in the glove compartment?
04:21That's why I didn't give the vicar a drive on Sunday.
04:24No, no, it was just a friendly hello, honestly. I'm...
04:26Listen, Sonny, if you go around talking to people just the way you've talked to me, I'm not surprised you haven't got any friends.
04:31I've got lots of friends.
04:32Oh, yes, but they've all walked out on you, haven't they? Left you to come over and heap abuse on me.
04:36No, no, honestly, it was just a friendly hello.
04:38Anyway, how was I to know the gun was loaded?
04:40What?
04:41The gun you were just talking about.
04:42Which gun?
04:43I mean, I didn't want to use it. I didn't want it at all. It was Dorothy. It was Dorothy. I wanted to throw it away.
04:48It was Dorothy who wanted a look down the barrel to see how fast the bullets came out.
04:54I just said hello, honestly.
04:56I tried to stop her. I tried to stop her, but I couldn't.
04:58Before I could, she grabbed the gun, shot herself, leapt out of the car and buried herself under the floorboards in my flat in Kensington.
05:06I only came over here to start a little conversation.
05:08Anyway, I was miles away. I was in Frankfurt. No, I was in Istanbul. I was in Istanbul, in a cellar, chained up, all by myself.
05:15Apart from witnesses, of course. Oh, I had loads of witnesses. They were all Turks. They can't speak a word of English.
05:20Oh, but they can write English, so if you wrote to them, they would testify.
05:23Unless they're all dead, of course. Yes, I think probably they're all dead by now, yes.
05:27Yes, I seem to remember reading in tomorrow's paper that they are all dead.
05:31It's a pity, that. A great pity.
05:32You've got to believe me. You've got to believe me.
05:35I only came over here just to say a friendly hello.
05:39I didn't want to do it, but it was Dorothy.
05:42She went on about the divorce and the gambling and the money and the rug making.
05:46Oh, God.
05:48Bloody fool. I admit it. I admit it.
05:51I only wanted to say a perfectly normal hello.
05:54You'll never take me alive.
06:06Hello?
06:09Hello?
06:11Honestly, I don't know. You can't have a decent conversation with anyone nowadays, can you?
06:16Hello?
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08:35Hello?
08:36One, two, three, four.
08:38Listen to the rain.
08:39Listen to the rain.
08:40Listen to the rain.
08:41Listen to the rain.
09:03Good evening, Telia.
09:04Well, it was a pretty rough night, as you know.
09:11Most areas suffer from a heavy belt of rain across the country, or in my case, a heavy
09:16belt across the eye.
09:19This came from the southwest and brought with it strong winds, mine came from the wife and
09:23brought with it strong language, and a cup of scalding tea down the shirt front.
09:30This quickly spread to most areas and caused a sharp rise in temperature, especially in
09:36the south.
09:37A deep depression settled over 22 Kingsbury Avenue is unlikely to lift before tomorrow
09:43morning at the earliest, and the warm front I was expecting tonight is now too much to
09:48hope for.
09:52If we look at the next chart, we can see the cause of all the trouble.
09:59Now, this, as you can see, came originally from France and crossed the channel a couple
10:05of days ago, arriving at Kingsbury Avenue about tea time.
10:10It was fairly mild at first and only really showed itself last night when the wife was
10:14at bingo.
10:15It all started from a ridge of high pressure across here, centred round two points here
10:22and here.
10:25They were undoubtedly the cause of a sharp rise in temperature, as you may guess, eventually
10:31resulting in thunder and lightning the like of which I personally haven't experienced
10:35in a long time.
10:37It was fairly short-lived, however, as bingo finished early, bringing with it a small tornado
10:42with a rolling pin.
10:46South cones were quickly hoisted, not quite quickly enough, unfortunately, and the ridge
10:51of high pressure disappeared rapidly down Kingsbury Avenue in the direction of London
10:55Airport.
10:56Well, there it is, then.
10:59The outlook for tomorrow, dull, lifeless, very little sunshine, and certainly the unlikelihood
11:05of a decent cup of tea.
11:07Good night.
11:12You may remember, dear reader, that I was about to make my debut on the London stage
11:38in the title role of William McMaster's latest production.
11:43You can imagine how nervous and excited I was as the curtain rose.
11:51But his lordship is adamant.
11:53And so, dear Dobbin, I am to ride naked through the streets of Coventry because of my husband's
12:00wicked actions.
12:01But hush, here he comes now.
12:04So, you are determined to go through with this, are you, your ladyship?
12:16Yes, Lord Godiva, I am.
12:18I shall be there for all the world to see, and thus shines a good deed in a naughty world.
12:25And if you wish things to shine even better, use monkey-brand household soap.
12:29The fabulous rice-cup cakes will be available at the stage door after the performance.
12:33I see.
12:34Very well, then.
12:35So be it.
12:36Come, Dobbin.
12:37I must mount you.
12:41And good riddance.
12:43And now, to meet me lover in secret.
12:46What ho, Margaret?
12:49Oh!
12:58How I've longed to look into your eyes again.
13:01Yes, I also, my dear.
13:03But what have you there?
13:04It's my banjo.
13:05I always carry it with me, where they're permitting, you know.
13:08Perhaps you would like me to play you something?
13:10Indeed, it would be a great privilege and honour to hear that little ballad entitled
13:14Which Way Up is a Billiard Ball?
13:16Fortunately, I am familiar with it.
13:19So too is the orchestra.
13:22I have a most inquiring mind inside my pretty head.
13:26I've read encyclopedias from A right through to Z.
13:30But there are still some questions which always puzzle me.
13:34So let me put them to you and see if you agree.
13:40Which way up is a billiard ball?
13:42How many sides is a jug?
13:43How high is the termite when he's standing on the rung?
13:47How do you iron a corkscrew?
13:49How long is four foot wide?
13:51Which way up is a billiard ball when it's lying on its side?
13:55Whee!
14:14The evening seemed to me never ending.
14:16I managed to remember my words.
14:19And the audience seemed to appreciate it.
14:21Judging from the many presents of fruit and money showered upon us during the performance.
14:33At last it was time to take our final bow.
14:36And I must confess I did not expect to receive such an ovation.
14:51Whee!
14:58Which way up is a billiard ball when it's lying on its side?
15:01Who is it?
15:02It's I, my dear. May I be afforded entrance?
15:04Oh, come in, McMaster, sweetest.
15:07What a reception.
15:08What a performance, Mrs. McMaster.
15:11You were superb.
15:13The audience laid its heart at your feet.
15:15Not to mention the ten and sixth I picked up off the stage after cutting it fell.
15:19Oops.
15:22I think the three heaps of it only caused me actual injury.
15:25Oh?
15:26Yes, indeed. On the strength.
15:28On the... You are a caution, really.
15:30On the strength.
15:31Why don't we all get an attack, sit and go down to Leicester Square and have some supper?
15:35An excellent notion, my dear.
15:37As for you, my dear little Henrietta.
15:40You were exquisite.
15:42The stage door is crammed with admirers.
15:45You'll be the toast of London, me little Godiva.
15:48Was she not exquisite, madam?
15:50Oh, she certainly showed some form.
15:52Quite, quite, quite.
15:54Don't change a thing, my dear.
15:56If you perform tomorrow as you perform tonight,
15:59our fortune's made.
16:01Oh, it's so kind of you to say so, Mr. McMaster.
16:04But just one occurrence did spoil what was, in all other respects, a truly perfect evening.
16:09Oh?
16:10Yes, my wig.
16:11We must make sure it never comes off again, whatever happens.
16:14Oh, of course. Quite, quite, quite, my little dear.
16:17Of course. Eh, Mrs. McMaster?
16:19Indeed. Oh, indeed.
16:21Just you leave it to us, dear.
16:23Yes.
16:24I can hang.
16:27Yes, I can hang.
16:31But sad to say, dear Eda,
16:33however much care I took,
16:35night after night some accident or other occurred,
16:38which resulted in me losing my wretched wig.
16:47Yes! Yes!
16:50Very good, that's it.
16:56Yes!
16:59Yes, yes, yes!
17:03Yes!
17:04Yes!
17:05Yes!
17:06Yes!
17:07Yes!
17:08Yes!
17:09Yes!
17:10Yes!
17:11Yes!
17:14Yes!
17:15Yes!
17:16Yes!
17:23However, the play was such a success
17:26that I felt I must not complain.
17:29Life was good and there was money in my purse
17:32and yet somehow something was missing
17:35and one evening, after the performance,
17:38I was to find out what it was.
17:42Letter for you, my dear, came by hand,
17:45a tall lady with a very large carriage and pair it was an anonymous letter and
17:53what is more it was from someone I didn't even know but as I read it I
17:58realized here was the answer to the emptiness inside me now at last I could
18:04be of some good to my fellow man the letter pointed out how uselessly I had
18:09hitherto employed my time and how much more rewarding work was waiting to be
18:13done on those far-off shores my mind was made up I would travel to Dover
18:18tonight and be ready to leave first thing in the morning I scribbled a note
18:23to my fellow thespians and left quietly without saying goodbye gone to the crime
18:38mere to be a nurse good luck with the rest of the run yours Henrietta I only
18:45hope that they forgave me and that they found someone else to play Godiva
19:08and so the very next day I set sail for the Crimea and in three short weeks I
19:19found myself in a base hospital only a few miles behind the lines
19:27I must say that the conditions were truly appalling not enough light not
19:33enough air and not enough beds does it hurt no not even a little bit no not
19:43even a little bit belongs to him down there
19:51hey ma'am corporal Clarke why's this so ma'am how do you do corporal I've come
19:56to help relieve these poor creatures of their suffering oh oh that's good oh yes
20:01there's a screen over there ma'am you can get your clothes off and start straight
20:04away good I gather you have a uniform for me then ah uniform ah oh I see you've
20:11come as a nurse have you yes I've just said so ah oh well my mistake ma'am yes
20:16disregard my remarks regarding the screen as you were ma'am yeah pity I beg
20:22your pardon it's a pity that Captain Featherstone ain't here you see I am I
20:27am here Clark oh you can go now thank you oh can't you be less noisy man those
20:33damn boots what happened to those rubber soles we ordered from stores uh you had
20:38to last them last week sir oh god so I did rather delicious they were too the
20:42inside better than that roast crutch we had last Sunday thank you very much
20:49how do you do dr. Featherstone I'm Henrietta Beckett yes I know thank God you arrived
20:54miss Beckett because the men the men are in a pretty sorry state yes I can
20:59see that only too well is it malaria no indigestion pretty atrocious cook that's
21:06why I'm glad you're here it's about time the men had something you know decent to
21:10eat I take it I take it you can cook well I'll do my best depends what
21:14supplies are available practically none all the men have had for the last few
21:19days is a handful of rice great heavens but why we ran out of plates
21:30well gentlemen how about a nice rice pudding
21:49Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near and just like me, they long to be close to you?
22:18Why do stars fall down from the sky every time you are far and just like me, they long to be close to you?
22:42On the day that you were born, the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true
22:52So they sprinkled Buddha's dear golden starlight in your eyes of blue
23:02And that is why all the girls in town follow you all around
23:14Just like me, they long to be close to you
23:24Just like me, they long to be close to you
23:47On the day that you were born, the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true
23:57So they sprinkled Buddha's dear golden starlight in your eyes of blue
24:08And that is why all the girls in town follow you all around
24:21Just like me, they long to be close to you
24:31Just like me, they long to be close to you
24:51Thank you
25:05Thank you Gina Charles, lovely
25:07How are you all tonight, alright?
25:09Are you? Yes? You alright?
25:11Oh lovely, yes I'm feeling very good tonight actually, I thought you'd imagine that
25:14Feeling, you know, sort of on top of my form tonight
25:16I don't know why, it's just one of these times, you know, when I feel I could, you know, make an audience laugh
25:21Or cry, or have an early night
25:24No I could, you know, honestly, I could sit here, I could, well, or I could sit over there actually
25:32But I rather prefer sitting here because when I'm sitting here I'm talking to the audience and that camera, you see
25:37If I was sitting over there I'd be talking to two stagehands and a firebucket
25:41I don't know, I could, I could sit here, I was just stretching my legs there, you see that?
25:47Stretching my legs, left it a bit late in life, haven't I really?
25:51I could sit here, I could sit here if you want pathos
25:55And I could tell you all about my childhood
25:58How I was found on a doorstep, well not really on the doorstep
26:02Because the door opened outwards, I was found halfway across the road
26:07And pinned to my little coat was a note that said
26:11Keep your head down, the door opens outwards, sign mummy
26:14Or I could tell you about how up to the age of four
26:17My only playthings were a corned beef sandwich and a picture of Nellie Wallace
26:22Got you going there, didn't I?
26:25Don't hold back the tears, you could get a hernia
26:28Yes, a corned beef sandwich, corned beef sandwich and a picture of Nellie Wallace
26:33Yes, a corned beef sandwich, corned beef sandwich and a photo of Nellie Wallace
26:37Oh I loved that, and you know to this day
26:39Every time I go on the stage I take it out
26:42And have a quick look at it to remind me of what the business is all about
26:46I don't know what happened to the picture of Nellie Wallace but
26:51I could, I could have prevailed, prevailed upon
26:55I could have prevailed upon, preferably
26:59If you'd like me to be prevailed I'll try that
27:01But I prefer to be prevailed, I could be prevailed upon
27:03To recount a rather amusing anecdote that occurred to me after a party
27:07At my agent's last week
27:09He has this little do once a year to celebrate the invention of money
27:15Actually, actually he's more like one of the family
27:18Well I'll let you know that on my wife's birthday last week
27:21He sold her a lovely card
27:23Now, his parties, his parties are always a little bit of a disaster
27:28He's a do-it-yourself man you see
27:30We got there at nine o'clock in the evening
27:33And he was still in the bath
27:35Treading his grapes
27:38Not a pretty sight
27:40Then he lost the key of the sardines
27:42Lost the key of the sardines
27:44And we had to put the tin in the road and let somebody back over it
27:48Again, not a pretty sight
27:50But it was a very, very quiet evening
27:52In fact it got so quiet that the phone rang
27:55And a chap with a weak heart had to be taken home
28:01I don't really think he had a weak heart, you know
28:04But he had been there since seven o'clock and he'd lost the will to live
28:14Anyway, anyway
28:16Thank you very much, I needed that
28:18Anyway, on our way home
28:20And this is the really exciting bit
28:22We were waiting at Paddington station
28:25For a train, not unnaturally
28:27And this train pulled in
28:30And a chap jumped out of the train nude
28:33Absolutely no clothes on, barefoot to the chin
28:38I thought at first he was wearing a blue body stocking
28:41Because it was rather a cold night
28:43And the station staff, as you can imagine, were all taken rather aback
28:48Goodness gracious, they cried, bless my soul
28:50And will you marry me?
28:53That was one of the well-known British railway expressions
28:57Then the station master came up and said
29:00You can't walk about the station with no clothes on
29:03Would you like to borrow my top hat?
29:06He said, how does it come that you got off this train with no clothes on?
29:09He said, I can't, you know, let this carry on
29:11I have to do something about it
29:12How come you got off the train with no clothes on?
29:14He said, well, as a matter of fact, he said, station master
29:16He said, I was at a party in the country
29:18And the hostess asked us all to take our clothes off
29:21And after we'd taken our clothes off, she said, let's all go to town
29:24And I seem to be the first to have arrived
29:39Yes, certainly, yes, thank you very much
29:42Next, please
29:43Thank you
29:49Ah, good morning, Mr...
29:51Partridge
29:52Partridge, yes
29:53Would you come and sit down?
29:54Thank you
30:04What seems to be the trouble, Mr. Partridge?
30:07Well, Doctor...
30:13I keep getting noises in my stomach
30:16Noises?
30:17Yes
30:21Oh, yes, I see
30:23Yes
30:24Yes, goodness me
30:25It can be very embarrassing, you know
30:31Well, Mr. Partridge, I think you're...
30:33I think you're suffering from sound effects
30:35Oh?
30:36Yes
30:37That was the end of the shipping forecast
30:39Now it's a quarter to seven
30:44Yes, uh, Mr. Partridge
30:47I'm afraid you've caught Radio 4
30:49Oh
30:50Is that bad?
30:51Bad? Have you heard it? It's terrible
30:56We've heard about the games from our reporter, Tiddlypop
31:01You've, uh, you've had it some time then
31:07Have you got, uh...
31:08Have you got a transmitting license for that stomach?
31:10No
31:11I should get one pretty quickly, otherwise it'll be declared illegal
31:14Now, look, I would like you...
31:16Wait a minute
31:17I'd like you to take that, if you would, weekly
31:19What are you giving me?
31:20The Radio Times
31:23Will that cure it?
31:24No, but it'll help you to know what's on
31:27Well, I'd better be off then
31:28Thank you very much, Mr. Partridge
31:34Mr. Partridge
31:37Yes
31:38Um, could you come back and see me next Thursday afternoon, about three o'clock?
31:41Why?
31:42There's rather a good play on, I wouldn't mind hearing
31:44Oh
31:52Oh, I'm sorry, the sketch is over, I'm sorry
31:54No, no, this is an emergency, Doctor
31:55I'm suffering from television
31:56Goodness me
31:57Yes
32:01Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. George Schlick
32:09Thank you
32:12Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
32:14I'd like to show you how can I make a personality with a handkerchief
32:19This is very easy
32:20If you watch it very carefully, you can do it yourself at home
32:24I take one corner from the left to the right
32:27And one from the right to the left
32:30Like this
32:31This corner I take over here
32:34And I think it's ready
32:37Oh, no
32:38For the ears, I take a little elastic, caoutchouc
32:42The mouth, I take a page of my rose
32:45Again
32:47And now you can talk
32:48Yes
32:50Are you happy?
32:52Are you happy?
32:54No
32:55What? What's the matter?
32:56I can't see
32:57Oh, you can't see
32:58Yes
32:59The eyes
33:00Yes
33:01Oh, I forgot it, I'm sorry
33:02I take a button of my vest
33:03Encore
33:04What?
33:05Again
33:06All right?
33:07No
33:09What's the matter?
33:10I have crossed eyes
33:11Oh, I'm sorry
33:13I'm so sorry
33:14Thank you
33:16It's all right
33:17Yes
33:18What's your name?
33:19Sexy
33:20Very nice
33:21Thank you
33:22I like it
33:23You like it?
33:24Yes
33:25It's very nice
33:26Thank you
33:27You speak English?
33:28Yes
33:29You do?
33:30Yes
33:31How much?
33:32$50
33:36Very nice
33:37No
33:38I think you are a girl
33:39No
33:40A boy
33:41No
33:42You are something
33:43Yes
33:44What?
33:45Nothing
33:46No
33:47You are a rabbit
33:48A rabbit, yes
33:49Thank you
33:50Ah, now what do you want?
33:51Carrots
33:52What do you want?
33:53Carrots
33:54I don't have any carrots
33:55I'd like to have some carrots
33:56Later
33:57Si
33:58Huh?
33:59Si
34:00Do you speak Italian?
34:01Si
34:02You speak Italian?
34:03Si
34:04Say something in Italian
34:05I don't have any carrots
34:06I'm so hungry, Alessia
34:07Don't give me any carrots
34:08I'll eat my ass
34:09What?
34:10I'll eat everything you're going to
34:11Don't give me any carrots
34:15Thank you very much
34:20Now ladies and gentlemen
34:21I'd like to show you
34:22the singing frog
34:23Gianni Guacchino
34:24I present to you
34:25the singing frog
34:26Gianni Guacchino
34:27No
34:28What did you say?
34:29I said no
34:30Why?
34:31Strike
34:33Strike?
34:34Now you have to come out
34:35I said no
34:36Now what should I do?
34:37Go home
34:41No
34:42No
34:43Strike, strike, strike
34:45Strike, strike
34:46Strike
34:51You speak English?
34:54Do you speak English?
34:59Do you speak English?
35:00Jawohl
35:02He's a kraut
35:05Now what did you say?
35:06He's a kraut
35:11What's the matter?
35:12Mosquitos
35:13What?
35:14Mosquitos
35:15Here is not any flies
35:16Mosquitos
35:17I don't like to hear anymore
35:18this word mosquitos
35:19Si
35:20What?
35:21Si
35:22You speak Spanish?
35:23Si
35:24Say something in Spanish
35:25Mosquitos
35:26Do you speak Spanish?
35:27It means
35:28Do hable espanol
35:29Ole
35:31Ole
35:38Please
35:43Hey
35:44Yes
35:45Close the door
35:46All right
35:47Now please, now it's finished
35:48You go in the case
35:49and I take the guitar
35:50and then we sing
35:51Yes
35:52You understand?
35:53OK
35:54Just wait a minute
35:55It's very difficult
35:56Are you ready?
35:57Yes
35:58Good
35:59Are you ready?
36:00Oh yes
36:01OK
36:02What we sing?
36:03Alouette
36:04Alouette
36:05Let's stand up
36:06OK
36:07Alouette
36:08Je te plumerai
36:09C'est toi?
36:10Oui
36:11Allo?
36:12Alouette
36:13Je te plumerai
36:18Je te plumerai la tête
36:20Je te plumerai la tête
36:21Et la tête
36:22Et la tête
36:23Alouette
36:24Alouette
36:25Je te plumerai
36:30Je te plumerai
36:33Ah
36:34Again
36:35Alouette
36:39Alouette
36:59And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to go roaming in the gloaming on the bonnie banks
37:10of Clyde with those two irrepressible Scottish songbirds, Moira MacKellar and Kenneth Anderson.
37:17["I'm for Foottails"]
37:29I'm for Foot...
37:33...Tails!
37:37["I'm for Foottails"]
37:42Good evening, and hello everyone.
37:44Well, once again, Moira and I are back together with you all, by your own far sides there.
37:50After our last appearance together, Moira and I had thousands of letters from Scottish
37:55folk all over the world, and three of them actually had stamps on them.
38:01So, in response to these wonderful letters, Moira and I are now making our final appearance
38:08together, so let me introduce her now, if I might.
38:11That beautiful lump of Dundee cake, Moira.
38:15["I'm for Foottails"]
38:32Good evening, everyone, and hello, Ken.
38:36Oh, Moira, I must say, you're looking awfully bonnie tonight.
38:41Aye, you look smart in your wee kilt yourself.
38:44Well, as a matter of fact, I've got a wee song about that later on.
38:48But why don't we now, Moira, just simply introduce ourselves in song.
38:53["I'm for Foottails"]
38:57We're not Elsie and Doris, or Morecambe and Wise.
39:00We're not Jewel and Waris, or Nina in disguise.
39:04And we're not John and Yoko, and we're not Bill and Ben.
39:08And we're not Dave Dozy, Beaky McAditch, we're Moira and Ken.
39:13["I'm for Foottails"]
39:17I have never met a body coming through the rye.
39:21I cannot see any body, for it grows too high.
39:25That's the place to take a lassie, where it's warm and dry.
39:32And many a girl's looked up to me whilst hidden in the rye.
39:38["I'm for Foottails"]
39:42Oh, I went out with a boy one night, who I thought that I could trust.
39:45But as we walked home, he said, with a groan, I must kiss your lips or bust.
39:49And what did you say, and what did you do to preserve your manly pose?
39:53I said, we'll make it the lips tonight, because I'm wearing a high-neck blouse.
39:57["I'm for Foottails"]
40:05Travelling home on a freight train to air, cash in my pocket and plenty to spare.
40:13Wearing a school cap and travelling half fare.
40:16I love my height, it suits me, in spite of those big brawny lads all around.
40:23The ladies adore me, at least so I've found.
40:28Because I've got a spurn that's nearer the ground.
40:32Oh, I love my height, it suits me.
40:38["I'm for Foottails"]
40:42Drink tamari in the pub, swill the scotch and eat the grub.
40:46She's in the white hair, the club, time for Mari's wedding.
40:52["I'm for Foottails"]
40:56Now the fiddler's ready, let us all begin.
40:58To a step it out, a step it in.
41:01And the gardens are coming, so I'll have a gin.
41:03And it's here's to Jimmy Logan.
41:05I walked in my kilt by the hill and by the quine.
41:07It tickled me pink, I laughed till I died.
41:09I told you to wear your sporn outside.
41:11There are no flies on me.
41:13I see that.
41:13["I'm for Foottails"]
41:22["I'm for Foottails"]
41:31["I'm for Foottails"]
41:35Well, that's it from Moira and I once again.
41:39It's been a great pleasure for us to sing to you at your own firesides, I must say.
41:44And I always do like to get my teeth into the good old boisterous ones.
41:50And that includes Moira as well.
41:52So, time then, simply for goodnight from Moira and I.
41:56Yes, we'd like to leave you now with that old favourite, Scotland the Brave.
42:01["Scotland the Brave"]
42:03Come where the toes are tapping.
42:05Come where the hands are clapping.
42:07Come where the jobs are strapping down in the bed.
42:11Come, set aside your labours.
42:13Come where they're all good neighbours.
42:15Come where they toss the cabers roasting again.
42:19Strand where to join a groats.
42:21That's where we sow our oats.
42:23That is the life that the Scots all seem to crave.
42:28Land of the clement weather.
42:30Land of the prickly heather.
42:32So keep your knees together.
42:36So it's goodnight from me, Moira.
42:39And it's goodnight from me, Ken.
42:40["Scotland the Brave"]
42:50["Scotland the Brave"]
43:06Well, that's all for tonight.
43:10Next week we will consider exit signs.
43:12Are they on the way out?
43:15And Britain's most inefficient doctor will be having a quiet word up your nose.
43:23And now, now a late newsflash.
43:25Owing to bad traffic conditions,
43:27Queen's Park Rangers have not yet arrived at the ground for their match against Bristol City.
43:33The score at the moment is Bristol City 496.
43:37Now, it's goodnight from me, and it's goodnight from him.
43:41Goodnight.
43:42Goodnight.
43:43Goodnight.
44:06["Scotland the Brave"]
44:16["Scotland the Brave"]
44:26["Scotland the Brave"]