Plot. When her rather explicit article on oral is rejected, magazine journalist Kate Welles is told by her editor Monique to write an article on loving relationships instead—and to do so by the end of the day or face being fired.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
00:00:30I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
00:01:01I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
00:01:08I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
00:01:15I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
00:01:22I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
00:01:30I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
00:01:37I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
00:01:44I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
00:01:51I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
00:01:58You okay?
00:02:00Maybe you shouldn't shove so hard next time.
00:02:07My heart just got bigger.
00:02:14When I look at you like this, it looks like you only have one eye.
00:02:29One of the many differences between men and women when it comes to love
00:02:33is the need to tell the world every little detail.
00:02:36If you do choose to spill your guts to someone,
00:02:39just make sure it isn't Becky Sussman.
00:02:50Bobby, you okay?
00:02:52How could you do it?
00:02:54What did I do?
00:02:55How could you do it?
00:02:57What did I do?
00:02:58You told everybody. How could you do that?
00:03:01All my friends are making fun of me, and now it's over.
00:03:04It's over.
00:03:07Bobby!
00:03:09Bobby, I'll tell your friends I was lying.
00:03:15I'll let you hit me harder.
00:03:18Bobby.
00:03:20Love is a minefield.
00:03:22You take a step, get blown to pieces,
00:03:24put yourself back together again,
00:03:26and stupidly take another step.
00:03:28I guess that's human nature.
00:03:30It hurts so much to be alone that we all rather blow up than be single.
00:03:54You're my honey child.
00:03:56Oh, my honey child.
00:04:06These stones are in your hands
00:04:09through the air across the sea.
00:04:17It doesn't make the elevator go any faster, Kate.
00:04:20Yeah, I know.
00:04:22It makes me feel nervous.
00:04:25Are you angry?
00:04:26No, why?
00:04:27I just heard this thing where single women
00:04:30tend to be eight times angrier than married women.
00:04:32Maybe you should write an article about that,
00:04:34since, you know, you're not married.
00:04:36Uh, yeah, I would,
00:04:38but I'm in the middle of writing an article
00:04:40on married, bald guys who can't get hard without a viagra.
00:04:52I say I always will.
00:05:03My honey child.
00:05:14You're late.
00:05:15I know.
00:05:16Not a good day to be late.
00:05:18Why not?
00:05:19Because the antichrist is really pissed at you.
00:05:21She said she wants to see you in her office right now.
00:05:24Oh, God. Why?
00:05:25Well, I'm not supposed to say.
00:05:31Do you have any stretch marks?
00:05:33Not yet.
00:05:34Damn!
00:05:35I have a deadline on my vitamin E piece.
00:05:37I know that Heffern Accounting has them,
00:05:39but she's not talking.
00:05:40Does anybody have any stretch marks?
00:05:44Sit down.
00:05:47Oh, God.
00:05:49Don't get old, Kate.
00:05:51Old is ugly.
00:05:52Ugly is death.
00:05:57You're fired.
00:05:58What?
00:05:59Get me Leo.
00:06:00Was this a joke?
00:06:01I mean, were you planning on turning in the article
00:06:03I signed to you after I read that one?
00:06:05Well, you said I should make the article my own, so I did.
00:06:07Kate.
00:06:08Kate, this is a step-by-step description of sucking cocks.
00:06:11Right, actually, I called it a blow-by-blow.
00:06:13Very clever.
00:06:14When life sucks, so should you.
00:06:16Oral sex can cure depression.
00:06:18What the fuck are you thinking?
00:06:20All right, so maybe the title's a little harsh,
00:06:22but I found a great hook, don't you think?
00:06:24When I said make it your own,
00:06:26I meant draw from your own experiences and relationships.
00:06:28That's what I did.
00:06:30I mean, I know ten times more about blowjobs
00:06:32than I do about relationships.
00:06:34I failed at every relationship I've ever been in.
00:06:36Kate, I don't know what's going on in your personal life,
00:06:38and I really don't give a shit.
00:06:40The point is, our reach is limited.
00:06:42I don't give a shit.
00:06:43The point is, our readers still have hope.
00:06:45This is called Monique Magazine.
00:06:47Monique, my name is at stake here.
00:06:49It is not called Tired Old Jaded Dicksucker Review.
00:06:51All right, what if Mary writes the piece on perfect relationships,
00:06:55and I do the little thing on stretch marks?
00:06:57I know tons of people with stretch marks.
00:07:01Okay.
00:07:03I'm gonna be completely honest with you here.
00:07:06I can't cope with being fired.
00:07:08This is the only thing in my entire life I haven't failed at.
00:07:12I can do the assignment. I know I can.
00:07:15Can you finish 2,500 happy perky words by deadline tonight?
00:07:18Absolutely.
00:07:19Then you are temporarily unfired.
00:07:21Now get the fuck out of my office.
00:07:29Shit, shit, shit!
00:07:31So are you fired?
00:07:34Not yet.
00:07:36Hey, somebody made a copy of your blowjob article and circulated it.
00:07:40Pretty good.
00:07:42So use your hands, huh?
00:07:44Mm-hmm.
00:07:47Okay.
00:08:00Happy perky notes
00:08:04on how to find and keep that perfect man.
00:08:17Sometimes it doesn't even matter who loves us,
00:08:19as long as they make us feel less alone.
00:08:22What makes a relationship last forever?
00:08:25I guess if I knew the answer to that,
00:08:27I wouldn't be living alone with my four cats.
00:08:36They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to the prince.
00:08:39Richard Milner was the most boring frog I ever dated.
00:08:43Sometimes you just have to get out of the house.
00:08:45Masculine and feminine.
00:08:49Boy, we lucked out pretty good.
00:08:51You know, my mother's corns aren't usually this bad.
00:08:54But lucky for us, she wasn't able to walk well enough to come to the show.
00:08:58It's haunting, don't you think?
00:09:01What?
00:09:03The paintings. They're pretty disturbing.
00:09:08You think?
00:09:10If I had a kid,
00:09:12I definitely wouldn't put one of these up in his bedroom.
00:09:15Unless I hated him.
00:09:18My father would hug stuff like this from my ceilings.
00:09:22He hated me.
00:09:24You know, my mother hated me, too.
00:09:26She used to tell me I was dying of cancer when I was four.
00:09:31Always sent me into these deep depressions,
00:09:34which is exactly what she wanted,
00:09:36because then I wouldn't ask her to make me lunch.
00:09:38She hated it when I bug her for food and stuff.
00:09:44Hey, would you like a champagne?
00:09:46What?
00:09:47A champagne. Would you like one?
00:09:49Yeah, absolutely.
00:10:04Are you looking for me?
00:10:06No.
00:10:08I wasn't really looking for you.
00:10:11Do you mind if I talk to you for a minute?
00:10:14Sure.
00:10:16In the corner?
00:10:18The corner?
00:10:20I don't like the middle of rooms.
00:10:22Just come in the corner. Nobody's behind you in the corner.
00:10:36So who's that guy you're with?
00:10:37What guy? Oh, uh, Richard.
00:10:39He's a stand-up comedian.
00:10:41Hey, seems funny. Is he your boyfriend?
00:10:43Richard? No.
00:10:45No, I mean, he's 30 years old, and he lives with his mother.
00:10:48So what do you think of the paintings?
00:10:50Well, I love the style, but I think they're a little immature.
00:10:52Immature?
00:10:54What makes you say that?
00:10:56Well, look at that one over there.
00:10:58Yeah?
00:10:59What the hell's that supposed to mean?
00:11:01That? I think that one's supposed to mean
00:11:03pulling a severed head out of her ass.
00:11:06So what's the point? What do I learn from it?
00:11:09Maybe that's it.
00:11:11Maybe there's no point, and that's what's to learn anything.
00:11:14I wonder what the artist looks like.
00:11:16He must be pretty scary with shit like that coming out of his head.
00:11:19Yeah, well, maybe he has a highly developed dark side
00:11:21that you might not be in contact with.
00:11:25So how long did it take you to paint that one?
00:11:29Oh, gosh, there you are.
00:11:32I've been looking all over for you.
00:11:34You are a doll. Look at this. Thank you.
00:11:37Uh, Richard, Adam leaving.
00:11:40Oh, wow.
00:11:42Wow, you're the artist.
00:11:44Wow, you're the lucky guy.
00:11:46Oh, yeah, yeah, we were just getting around
00:11:48and discussing our future children.
00:11:50Right, but I don't think you can have a future together.
00:11:53No, I'm sorry, excuse me?
00:11:55In order to have a future, I would assume
00:11:57that you would need to see the person again.
00:11:59You're not gonna be seeing her anymore,
00:12:01because she's my girlfriend now.
00:12:03What? What?
00:12:05Well, from the moment we laid eyes on each other,
00:12:07we had this immediate spark.
00:12:09Isn't that right, uh, uh... Kate?
00:12:11Kate. Isn't that right, Kate?
00:12:13No, actually.
00:12:15Oh, I... Oh, is this some kind of joke?
00:12:17No, no, but this is two guys walk into a bar.
00:12:20One guy is a 30-year-old stand-up comedian
00:12:22who lives with his mother.
00:12:25Okay, could we, uh, go now, please?
00:12:33You know what, it is women like you
00:12:35who turn men into weirdos.
00:12:37Richard. No, no, don't bother.
00:12:39You know, once something hurts, there's no turning back.
00:12:44Wow, that wasn't cool.
00:12:46I did... I made it weird.
00:12:48That was mean. You shouldn't have done that.
00:12:50I know, I know.
00:12:54So where should we eat?
00:13:08You are without a doubt
00:13:10the tallest woman I've ever met in my life.
00:13:12Really?
00:13:14Mm-hmm.
00:13:16Can I see your hands?
00:13:18I've been noticing them.
00:13:20You just have these, like, long E.T. fingers.
00:13:22Like a tree frog.
00:13:27Oh, my God.
00:13:29Oh, my... How big?
00:13:31Size 11. Size 11?
00:13:33Yeah, size 11. Woman size 11?
00:13:35Is this some kind of artist thing, focusing on people's flaws?
00:13:37I don't see them as flaws.
00:13:39I see them as God's little artistic choices.
00:13:41So I guess God decided to give you this abnormally large head.
00:13:46See? Now, you know what's different about that?
00:13:48Because you're being shitty and mean,
00:13:50you were celebrating your body, who you are.
00:13:52You were celebrating my body?
00:13:54Yeah, I was.
00:13:56You know, I like this part of the relationship normally.
00:13:58And what part is that?
00:14:00When it's new, you know? You get to ask all the fun questions.
00:14:02Mm, right.
00:14:04Me first. Okay.
00:14:06Uh, what's your relationship like with your dad?
00:14:10Um, my dad's dead.
00:14:12He was hit by a car in front of me when I was six.
00:14:14Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
00:14:16I don't...
00:14:18I don't know. I don't quite...
00:14:20Any brothers and sisters?
00:14:22It's my turn.
00:14:24No, I've taken your turn away. Any brothers or sisters?
00:14:26I have three older brothers. How many women have you slept with?
00:14:28Excuse me?
00:14:30Oh, come on. It's not like you haven't counted them.
00:14:32How many?
00:14:34How many men have you slept with?
00:14:36Not that many. 13.
00:14:3813?
00:14:40Mm-hmm.
00:14:42As, like, 13 different guys?
00:14:44Yeah. Spread out over the years, that's not so many.
00:14:46Aren't you gonna answer the question?
00:14:50Two. Okay?
00:14:54Two? That's it?
00:14:56That's it. You know, some of us actually believe
00:14:58in having full relationships. I know that might be hard.
00:15:00Yeah, I believe in relationships.
00:15:02Mine just happen to be short ones.
00:15:04I'm sorry. I just can't...
00:15:06You're like a whore.
00:15:10Excuse me?
00:15:12You are. 13. Jesus Christ. Give me a break.
00:15:16So, were you popular in high school?
00:15:18What do you think?
00:15:20I guess that's a no.
00:15:22I don't need this shit. I really don't.
00:15:24I happen to have been very popular in high school.
00:15:26I was an artist. I used to draw all the pretty girls.
00:15:28I used to make them look even better than they did.
00:15:30They all loved me.
00:15:32No, they didn't sleep with me, but they loved me.
00:15:34But how about you?
00:15:36You were probably real popular with that attitude.
00:15:38You must have been with the girls from Carrie.
00:15:40Nope.
00:15:42I had huge bug teeth and bony knees,
00:15:44and I slouched because I was trying to hide the fact
00:15:46that I hadn't grown any boobs yet.
00:15:48And my hair was all stringy,
00:15:50and everybody called me horseface.
00:15:52Horseface? Yeah, it suits you.
00:15:54Oh, you think so?
00:15:56Oh, I like it, yeah.
00:15:58You like it?
00:16:00Yeah. What's the longest kiss you've ever had?
00:16:02The longest kiss?
00:16:04Yeah, but you know what? Don't tell me.
00:16:06I'll just make me jealous.
00:16:08Just make sure this one's longer, okay?
00:16:14We were unlike any guy I'd ever known.
00:16:16We were instant best friends.
00:16:18Two people who understood each other
00:16:20without having to say a word.
00:16:22It wasn't like that at all in my first relationship.
00:16:26I guess it was sort of a bad idea
00:16:28to give up my virginity
00:16:30to my high school French teacher.
00:16:36If two people
00:16:38want to be a couple of them,
00:16:40it is good when they are making love with each other
00:16:42because they feel nice.
00:16:44Compris?
00:16:46What?
00:16:48Let's make love.
00:16:50We will, Mr. Bozart.
00:16:52I promise.
00:16:54I don't think I can tonight, though.
00:16:56I'm not really ready yet.
00:16:58You're not ready because you feel
00:17:00you and I do not have the quality of life
00:17:02together with each other.
00:17:04I am sad for this.
00:17:06What?
00:17:08Let's make love, Cherie, please.
00:17:10Will it hurt?
00:17:12Do not be scary.
00:17:14I am there for you, needing me.
00:17:16What?
00:17:28Mr. Bozart?
00:17:30Are you doing it?
00:17:32I can't believe it.
00:17:34This was supposed to hurt.
00:17:36Maybe it's because I've ridden horses all my life.
00:17:38Are you smaller than most guys?
00:17:44My older man daddy phase
00:17:46continued on past high school and right into college.
00:17:48I was not a very evolved person
00:17:50by the time I ran into Eric.
00:17:58Are you okay?
00:18:00Are you out of your mind?
00:18:02What's wrong with you?
00:18:04This is a brand new car.
00:18:06What are you doing?
00:18:08I said I'm sorry.
00:18:10This is our money.
00:18:12I didn't see you.
00:18:14Were you painting your toenails?
00:18:16Listen, fuckface.
00:18:18I didn't see you.
00:18:20I didn't wake up this morning and go,
00:18:22today I'm going to crash into some uptight yuppie.
00:18:24You know what, lady?
00:18:26Fuck you, okay?
00:18:28Fuck you!
00:18:30Oh, shit!
00:18:32You didn't see that?
00:18:34Hey!
00:18:36Okay, break it up.
00:18:38Break it up.
00:18:40Shut up!
00:18:42Hands behind your head!
00:18:46You know, I think we got off on the wrong foot.
00:18:48The wrong foot?
00:18:50He just beat the shit out of my car.
00:18:52I'm sorry about that.
00:18:54Let's just, maybe we can start over again, all right?
00:18:56What, you got any plans for dinner tonight?
00:18:58You know, after we make bail?
00:19:04So this is where writers hang out, huh?
00:19:06Mm-hmm.
00:19:08What do you write about?
00:19:10I'm working on a novel
00:19:12between my journalism classes at UCLA.
00:19:14Ooh, novel, huh?
00:19:16Mm-hmm.
00:19:18What's it about?
00:19:20Death.
00:19:22That sounds interesting.
00:19:24So what do you do?
00:19:26I work a lot with big red-ass monkeys.
00:19:30It's a band, you know?
00:19:32You know the band?
00:19:34Big red-ass monkeys are here.
00:19:36I direct music videos.
00:19:38Isn't that the one where the naked girl
00:19:40swims with a chimp?
00:19:42Right eight.
00:19:44Right.
00:19:46I guess chimps don't have the big red asses.
00:19:48I don't know. I never checked.
00:19:58I think maybe
00:20:00I could kiss you.
00:20:02Maybe later.
00:20:04Maybe later when?
00:20:06Maybe later, like, in five seconds.
00:20:08Five,
00:20:10four, three,
00:20:12two...
00:20:14Ugh!
00:20:16Ugh!
00:20:30Ugh!
00:20:32Ugh!
00:20:42Ugh!
00:20:44Ugh!
00:21:00Toast?
00:21:02Ugh.
00:21:04I hate when that happens.
00:21:08A toast to our three-week anniversary.
00:21:10Mm.
00:21:16You know, I think this is the longest relationship
00:21:18I've ever been in.
00:21:20Well, not counting Mr. Boisard,
00:21:22which lasted one semester.
00:21:24Oh, God, did I ever tell you...
00:21:26Could we not talk about your high school French teacher?
00:21:28Excuse me.
00:21:30Okay.
00:21:32So, what about your last relationship?
00:21:34Oh, God, what about it?
00:21:36Well, how long was it again?
00:21:38Five miserable years.
00:21:40What do you have in common?
00:21:42Mm...
00:21:44Nothing.
00:21:46What do we have in common?
00:21:48We have a lot in common.
00:21:50Like what?
00:21:54Like...
00:21:56How many people do you know
00:21:58who can comfortably have sex in public places?
00:22:00Every guy I've ever met.
00:22:04Morning.
00:22:06You know what day today is, don't you?
00:22:08Sunday morning.
00:22:10My turn.
00:22:12I thought it was my turn.
00:22:14Nope.
00:22:16It's my turn.
00:22:20You know what?
00:22:22This game's idiotic.
00:22:24It's not spontaneous. It's scheduled.
00:22:26That's not true.
00:22:28See, scheduled spontaneity is the key to long-term love.
00:22:34Don't look so happy.
00:22:36I like Sundays.
00:22:42Careful, careful.
00:22:50I'm not getting that.
00:22:52Don't wait. Come on.
00:22:56You get it, or you're not getting it.
00:22:58I can't get it.
00:23:04I'll be back.
00:23:10Don't lose your concentration, okay?
00:23:14Oh, where are you going, huh?
00:23:16Oh, now you want some, don't you?
00:23:18All right, just hold that thought, okay?
00:23:20Daddy!
00:23:24Daddy, guess what? I got a kitty.
00:23:26Come on, sweetie. Come with Mommy.
00:23:28I can explain this. Mel, will you wait?
00:23:30Mel!
00:23:32Kate! Kate!
00:23:34Kate!
00:23:36Will you come back?
00:23:38Will you stop? Will you stop?
00:23:40What are you?
00:23:42I understand how you feel, okay?
00:23:44No, you don't. You have no idea how anyone feels.
00:23:46You're a sociopath.
00:23:48I want a divorce!
00:23:50Don't ever touch me!
00:23:52Kate!
00:23:54Daddy!
00:23:56Even when bad relationships end,
00:23:58the pain can be severe enough
00:24:00to screw you up for years.
00:24:02We all pick up a little baggage after every breakup.
00:24:04The hope is that when the bags start to accumulate,
00:24:06we're still able to drag them
00:24:08into the next relationship.
00:24:10Fortunately, when Adam and I moved in together,
00:24:12my carry-on baggage was fairly light.
00:24:18Let's put that one in the bedroom.
00:24:20I was going to put Paul's entrails in the bedroom.
00:24:22No, it's better for the bathroom.
00:24:24If you want to be obvious.
00:24:26Okay.
00:24:32I love you, horse face.
00:24:34I love you, too.
00:24:36I love you more than I've ever loved anybody ever
00:24:38in my life.
00:24:42Where are you going?
00:24:44Kate?
00:24:48Oh, God.
00:24:50Okay, say it.
00:24:52Why do you want me to say it again?
00:24:54Because it was cute, and I want that cute moment saved forever.
00:24:56Honey, it's not going to sound cute.
00:24:58It's going to sound forced, and I'm irritated,
00:25:00so could we just... Just say it.
00:25:02I love you.
00:25:04Horse face!
00:25:06I love you, horse face.
00:25:08I love you, too. Now strip.
00:25:10Strip? Strip.
00:25:12Put the toy away, and we'll... Come on.
00:25:14Don't poke the bear in the zoo.
00:25:16Come on.
00:25:18Don't poke the bear in the zoo.
00:25:20Whip it out.
00:25:47Everything around me, yeah.
00:25:51Got to start to feeling so low.
00:25:55And I decided quickly.
00:25:58Yes, I did.
00:26:00To just go down and check out the show.
00:26:03Yeah, they were dancing, and singing,
00:26:06and moving, too, moving,
00:26:08and just...
00:26:10When you finally get to share your lonely bed
00:26:12with the one you love,
00:26:14life just doesn't get any better.
00:26:16Oh, God.
00:26:18Oh, baby.
00:26:20Hey, that wasn't me.
00:26:22Stop. Stop it. Come on.
00:26:24That's the first time you...
00:26:26That was your first fart. Come here, baby.
00:26:28That was your first fart.
00:26:30Don't blame it on me.
00:26:32That's so cute.
00:26:34You're embarrassed. Come here.
00:26:36Come here. No woman has ever farted in front of me before.
00:26:39Another light of the moon
00:26:41Mother Earth
00:26:44Will fall asleep so soon
00:26:47Dream of many a thing
00:26:50Before
00:26:52She'll slowly wake up and then
00:26:56We're not too early for the morning train
00:27:00Cause they don't want the girl who slept again
00:27:04And when the day is done, the battle's won
00:27:08But she'll never know
00:27:11What's going on
00:27:29Hi.
00:27:31Hi.
00:27:37Hi.
00:27:39What?
00:27:41Why are you smiling at me like that?
00:27:43Because it's our one-year anniversary.
00:27:45You should be smiling, too.
00:27:47I guess so.
00:27:49Come here.
00:27:51Come on.
00:27:53No. Come here.
00:27:55Come on. Are you a grouchy little bunny?
00:27:57Yeah.
00:27:59Well, I'm gonna be taking you someplace very special today.
00:28:02Where?
00:28:04Well, it's a surprise.
00:28:06Now go fill me a tub, and I'll take you.
00:28:08You know, in the middle of the day.
00:28:10I'm feeling very, very dirty. I need a tub.
00:28:12Forget it.
00:28:14It's our anniversary. Could you just fill me a tub?
00:28:16Come on, you big grouch. Just go.
00:28:19My God, it's like pulling teeth with you.
00:28:21Did you get anything?
00:28:26Oh, my God!
00:28:30Are you insane?
00:28:32What are we gonna do with all these kitties?
00:28:34I don't know. We'll make stew, I figured.
00:28:36What are they doing in there?
00:28:38What are you doing? They like you, obviously.
00:28:40This one's Louie. This one's Murray.
00:28:42This one's Steve, and this one is Mordecai.
00:28:46I got them from the Chinese restaurant.
00:28:49Hi, Mommy.
00:28:51Hello. Aren't I cute?
00:28:53Hi.
00:28:55You're my new mommy now.
00:28:58But the other 13 guys you slept with think it's your litter.
00:29:00Cute little kitties like,
00:29:02I'm pregnant.
00:29:06You're... Really?
00:29:08I took the little stick test this morning, and it turned pink.
00:29:11Pink?
00:29:13Isn't it supposed to be like a plus sign?
00:29:15Believe it or not, Adam,
00:29:17I know how to pee on a stick and read directions.
00:29:22I thought we were being safe.
00:29:24Yeah, it's not safe enough.
00:29:28God, we hardly know each other.
00:29:30No, we know each other.
00:29:32I just don't know if I'm ready to be a mother, Adam.
00:29:34I'm too confused, too immature, too messy.
00:29:38Well, what about abortion?
00:29:40Did you ever think about that possibility?
00:29:46I...
00:29:48I just...
00:29:50I never thought this would happen to me.
00:29:52I don't know what to do.
00:29:54Here, come here.
00:29:56Don't worry, okay?
00:29:58A lot of people think this is the world's greatest anniversary present.
00:30:00Really? What do you think?
00:30:02I'll tell you what I think.
00:30:04I think that our baby would be the cutest little thing
00:30:06that ever walked around in pooper pants.
00:30:10You wouldn't be scared?
00:30:12Of what?
00:30:14Of doing the most natural thing in the world?
00:30:16Of bringing a gorgeous, little, brilliant little genius into the world?
00:30:18No.
00:30:20No, I wouldn't be scared at all.
00:30:22What if it wasn't a gorgeous genius?
00:30:24What if it was an ugly little dwarf?
00:30:26Well, I guess we just have to pray to God
00:30:28that the baby takes after us.
00:30:30Pray to God that the baby takes after me.
00:30:34We can name it Ned,
00:30:36right, after my grandfather.
00:30:38What if it's a little girl?
00:30:40Nadina, we'll call it.
00:30:42Now, this one needs to be changed.
00:30:44I want you to practice and show me what a good mom you're gonna be.
00:30:46God, my stomach is huge.
00:30:50I look like Buddha.
00:30:52That doesn't change. You're the same as you've always been.
00:30:54So, what was it, a Buddha gut?
00:30:56Will you calm down? You've been pregnant a month.
00:30:58The baby's the size of a sea monkey.
00:31:00Pretty soon, you're gonna get swallowed at Volkswagen.
00:31:02Yeah, well, you have an abnormally large head.
00:31:04Come on, horse face, get over here.
00:31:06Come on.
00:31:10Let's see what we got here.
00:31:12Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.
00:31:14Yeah, Ned says he wants a womb with a view.
00:31:18Ned's not very funny.
00:31:20Well, Ned's just a fetus.
00:31:22We should cut Ned a little slack.
00:31:24And I think you're more beautiful than ever.
00:31:44Forget what you don't have
00:31:46Okay.
00:31:48Forget that you don't
00:31:50Hey.
00:31:52Hey.
00:31:54Just forget it
00:31:56Hey.
00:32:00Hey.
00:32:02Forget that you're afraid
00:32:04Forget that you are
00:32:06Hey.
00:32:08You okay, baby?
00:32:14You okay?
00:32:16Forget that you're alone
00:32:18What's wrong, baby? What's wrong?
00:32:20I'm...
00:32:22I'm bleeding.
00:32:24No, something's wrong.
00:32:26Okay, okay, okay, okay.
00:32:28Something's wrong.
00:32:30Okay, okay, okay.
00:32:32Here you go.
00:32:34Where's your robe, baby?
00:32:36Where's your robe?
00:32:38Okay, okay, okay.
00:32:50Fine.
00:32:52Don't worry.
00:32:58Forget that you can't love
00:33:02Forget that you can't
00:33:06Just forget it
00:33:10Do you think it's possible to love the same person forever?
00:33:14Sure. Don't you?
00:33:16I don't know.
00:33:18Maybe there's an end in one way or another.
00:33:20What about your parents? They've been together 35 years.
00:33:22Yeah, they've lived in the same house for that long.
00:33:24I don't think they've said I love you
00:33:26for at least 20 of those years.
00:33:28Well, maybe that's human nature.
00:33:30You spend that much time around a person
00:33:32saying I love you is probably just like saying
00:33:34you're a cheese sandwich.
00:33:36I hope not.
00:33:40Katie?
00:33:42Hmm?
00:33:44I cheese sandwich you.
00:33:46I cheese sandwich you, too.
00:34:00The longer you're with the same person,
00:34:02the more annoying they'll become.
00:34:04You'll become annoying, too.
00:34:06So if you want everything to be perfect all the time,
00:34:08don't bother having a relationship.
00:34:10Did you see that little old lady?
00:34:12Yeah.
00:34:14She looks sad and lonely.
00:34:16I don't know. She was hunched over, and I get a good look.
00:34:18I need some shoes.
00:34:20Her eyes are so hollow.
00:34:22She's old. All old people have hollow eyes,
00:34:24especially old women.
00:34:26What? Can we go in here?
00:34:28Wait, what do you mean, especially old women?
00:34:30It's a fact. Women don't age as well as men.
00:34:32How could you say that?
00:34:34How many 50-year-old women do you see with 20-year-old guys?
00:34:36That's a societal double standard.
00:34:38That's got nothing to do with facts.
00:34:40Who looks better, Sean Connery or Shelley Winters?
00:34:42It's just nature.
00:34:44Men have thicker skin. That's why women wrinkle more.
00:34:46Shut up. I know what this is about.
00:34:48You're a woman. You're afraid of becoming obsolete.
00:34:50You get in an age where men are starting to notice younger girls,
00:34:52it's freaking you out.
00:34:54Yeah, well, you're going bold.
00:34:58I have the keys.
00:35:00Where you going?
00:35:12I got one. What do you have?
00:35:14Just this one about topless female ninjas.
00:35:16Oh, well, let's just get one, okay?
00:35:18Because we'll forget to return them,
00:35:20and it'll be, like, $800 for two movies.
00:35:22And, uh, which one do you want to get?
00:35:24Maserati.
00:35:26Now, you've seen it 50 times, and every time you see it,
00:35:28you get depressed.
00:35:30I like being depressed. It makes me feel deep and introspective.
00:35:32Could we just... Do you understand what this is about?
00:35:34Okay, maybe you might like it.
00:35:36Nasty naked ninjettes infiltrate the mob
00:35:38and take over Little Italy,
00:35:40and they call them Guido Mantucci.
00:35:42Wow, that sounds incredible.
00:35:44Why do you have to come from that place?
00:35:46You know what I mean?
00:35:48You think I want to go home and snuggle
00:35:50and read subtitles and watch in black and white?
00:35:52Can we ever go to a goddamn video store
00:35:54without getting into an argument?
00:35:56Not as long as you have such shitty taste in movies.
00:35:58I don't have shitty taste in movies.
00:36:00How can you not appreciate German Expressionism?
00:36:02I love German Expressionism.
00:36:04What I don't like is what you turn into
00:36:06when you watch that damn movie.
00:36:08Fuck! Fine! Fine!
00:36:10You watch your stupid titty movie. I'll watch my death movie.
00:36:12Don't turn yours. Don't turn mine.
00:36:14Fine.
00:36:18It's her birthday. One of these should be free.
00:36:22Romance.
00:36:24The most important part of keeping a good relationship going.
00:36:26Be sure to treasure
00:36:28each one of those intimate moments
00:36:30you share together in bed.
00:36:32We haven't had sex in a while.
00:36:34Hmm?
00:36:36We haven't had sex in, like, three weeks.
00:36:38Mm-hmm.
00:36:40You weren't even listening to me.
00:36:42No, I wasn't.
00:36:44I said we haven't had sex in, like, three weeks.
00:36:46Well, maybe it's because you clip your toenails in our bed.
00:36:52What's the real reason?
00:36:54I don't know.
00:36:56Do you want to have sex right now?
00:37:00No. No. Do you?
00:37:02No.
00:37:06Do you want to have sex for all of us?
00:37:08I don't know.
00:37:10Then we should force ourselves.
00:37:12What, like mutual rape?
00:37:14Yeah, it might turn us on.
00:37:16Hmm.
00:37:28I'm tired. Yeah, me too.
00:37:36Love you.
00:37:38Love you, too.
00:37:44Don't do that.
00:37:46You know how much that bugs me.
00:37:52I said don't!
00:38:00I swear to God, if you do that one more time,
00:38:02I'm gonna scream.
00:38:06Aah!
00:38:08Aah!
00:38:14I think it's over.
00:38:16What's over?
00:38:18Us.
00:38:20I think we're done.
00:38:22What are you saying?
00:38:24I think I need to break up.
00:38:28What did you just say?
00:38:30I said I think we should break up.
00:38:32No, no, no, no, no.
00:38:34No, you said you need to break up.
00:38:36What's the difference?
00:38:38There's a huge difference.
00:38:40I mean, saying we should break up,
00:38:42that implies that it's somewhat mutual.
00:38:44If you need to break up, that means you're ending it.
00:38:46Are you ending it?
00:38:48I don't know. Yeah, I guess so.
00:38:50Have you met someone else, Mark Groupie?
00:38:52No.
00:38:54No, nothing like that.
00:38:56It's just I feel like we're just turning into this old married couple.
00:38:58Oh, God.
00:39:00It's the 13-guy thing, isn't it?
00:39:02No, no, that's what it is.
00:39:04I mean, no, you've been obsessed with my past since our first date.
00:39:06Now you want to start racking him up, don't you?
00:39:08Could you shut up about that?
00:39:10It's not the 13 guys, okay? I'm over that.
00:39:12I dealt with that. It's a non-issue, I promise you.
00:39:14Then why? Why now?
00:39:16I don't know.
00:39:18It's just I've never been single.
00:39:20You know, I've spent my whole life
00:39:22going from one relationship to another,
00:39:24and I've never been alone.
00:39:26Do you realize what you're saying?
00:39:28Do you realize what this means?
00:39:30What does this mean?
00:39:32It means this is it, the end.
00:39:34That once it's over, it's over.
00:39:36Yeah, I guess so.
00:39:38But I mean,
00:39:40it's not like we won't still be friends, you know?
00:39:42Who said anything about being friends?
00:39:44Come on, we love each other.
00:39:46I don't want to lose you for my life.
00:39:48Yeah, I think you should know that when you get to number 13,
00:39:50I won't be sitting here waiting for you, okay?
00:39:52Will you give that up? It's not about that, okay?
00:39:54This thing isn't working for either of us.
00:39:56I mean, you're not happy, are you?
00:39:58Of course you're happy.
00:40:00You're right, I'm miserable.
00:40:02Could you stop, honey?
00:40:04You're packing my laundry now.
00:40:08You know what?
00:40:10I feel good.
00:40:12No, I feel great.
00:40:14Come back to bed.
00:40:16Already, it's like a five-million-pound weight
00:40:18has been lifted off my head.
00:40:20I breathe, I can think.
00:40:22Like, all of a sudden, life is clear.
00:40:24It's amazing.
00:40:26I'm so happy.
00:40:28When I look back at the love I had with Adam,
00:40:30I see a pathetic, potted plant
00:40:32that nobody bothered to water.
00:40:34It started out green and lush
00:40:36and eventually became a dried-up
00:40:38little brown stick.
00:40:46Breaking up is like dying,
00:40:48slowly,
00:40:50with nobody around.
00:40:52That's why it's so important during that dark period
00:40:54to keep yourself busy doing the things
00:40:56that don't depress you.
00:41:20Fuck me! Jesus!
00:41:22Kate! I can't believe it.
00:41:24Our relationship hasn't even started decomposing yet.
00:41:26Who's this?
00:41:28This is my friend, uh, Kate.
00:41:30Kate, this is my friend, Peaches.
00:41:32Hmm.
00:41:34This must be the friend that you just broke up with.
00:41:36And this must be the friend
00:41:38that you just started fucking!
00:41:40Yeah.
00:41:46Hey, Kate.
00:41:48Wait, wait, wait, wait, okay?
00:41:50Peaches! Oh, my God!
00:41:52What the fuck is that thing on your face?
00:41:54Just keep your voice down.
00:41:56What are you doing here?
00:41:58This is my movie! You came to my favorite movie
00:42:00to make out with someone called Peaches!
00:42:02How dare you! I want to call you. Can I call you?
00:42:04No, no, no.
00:42:06I'm gonna get over you. And when I do,
00:42:08I'll call you.
00:42:10Honey, that could take days.
00:42:12Okay, let's see here.
00:42:14No, no.
00:42:16Ooh, that's hideous.
00:42:18Oh, here you go.
00:42:20Kate, how about this?
00:42:22No, that makes me look like a drug-addicted hooker.
00:42:24I want to look great,
00:42:26like a drug-addicted model.
00:42:28I don't see what the big deal is.
00:42:30It's only Sam's birthday party.
00:42:32Well, Adam's gonna be there.
00:42:34Oh, Kate, aren't you over him yet?
00:42:36Of course I am. I just want him to die a thousand deaths
00:42:38when he sees me with Jerome Davis tonight.
00:42:40Jerome Davis? Wait a minute.
00:42:42The perverted basketball player you dated
00:42:44who was obsessed with your ass?
00:42:46He was?
00:42:48Kate, you've got a great ass.
00:42:50I mean, now, you're a big woman,
00:42:52but your ass is no small and compact to fit your size.
00:42:54And yet,
00:42:56you would take your ass and put it on
00:42:58your short little friend over here.
00:43:00That'd be fucking huge.
00:43:02That's it. I'm gone.
00:43:10Oh, God.
00:43:16Oh, God.
00:43:46Oh, God.
00:44:16Hey.
00:44:18I thought it was you.
00:44:20Hey.
00:44:22Hi. It's great. I didn't expect to see you here.
00:44:24I didn't even know that Sam invited you.
00:44:26I feel silly.
00:44:28Uh, no, Mary invited me.
00:44:30Mary, yeah, because, you know,
00:44:32of course, I don't know what I was thinking.
00:44:34That's great. That's so good.
00:44:36It's nice to see you.
00:44:38Uh, I haven't seen you in a while.
00:44:40I've missed you.
00:44:42Uh, yeah, it's been a while.
00:44:44I'm sorry. Hi, I'm Adam.
00:44:46Oh, uh...
00:44:48What's up, Ed? What's wrong?
00:44:50Not Ed. It's Adam, as it was.
00:44:52Hey, hey, hey.
00:44:54Why don't I, uh, give you a call tomorrow, okay?
00:44:56Don't make this a weird thing.
00:44:58Hey, I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
00:45:00You can tell me all about your new girlfriend.
00:45:02Yeah.
00:45:04Okay.
00:45:06Yeah, why don't you call me?
00:45:08I'm running around a lot.
00:45:10Okay.
00:45:14Hey.
00:45:18Hey.
00:45:20Hey.
00:45:24That was really weird last night.
00:45:26I know, that was really weird.
00:45:28Okay?
00:45:30So you're in love?
00:45:32I think I should be asking you that.
00:45:34Why should you ask me that question?
00:45:36Because you couldn't keep your tongue
00:45:38out of Lolita's mouth last night.
00:45:40Don't tell me about tongues.
00:45:42I'm not gonna ask one of these things, okay?
00:45:44You're the one that's bringing it up, okay?
00:45:46I'm ready to be mature, okay?
00:45:48But how could you go out with that freak of nature?
00:45:50How could you go out with such a bimbo?
00:45:52Savannah is not a bimbo. She happens to play the harp.
00:45:54Oh, excuse me.
00:45:56A bimbo savant.
00:45:58Yeah, at least I'm not having a fucking hot tub party
00:46:00with Dennis Rodman.
00:46:02I can't believe you're jealous.
00:46:04I'm not jealous. Stop, okay?
00:46:06I don't like her. I don't love her.
00:46:08I'm probably never gonna see that girl again, to be honest.
00:46:10Hey. Hi.
00:46:12Hey, I was waiting for you on the street.
00:46:14It was noon, right? It was supposed to be...
00:46:16Well, my harp lesson ended early,
00:46:18so I bought myself some new underwear.
00:46:20Okay.
00:46:22I'm Savannah. Kate.
00:46:24I know. Adam told me all about you last night.
00:46:26Really? Savannah,
00:46:28why don't you, um, why don't you go back
00:46:30to the coffee shop and wait for me? I'll be there at noon.
00:46:32Okay? And go get me a mochaccino, okay?
00:46:34No problem. No problem. I'll let you two catch up.
00:46:36Nice meeting you, Cynthia.
00:46:38I met Kate. Oh.
00:46:40I met Kate.
00:46:42Okay. Okay. Bye-bye.
00:46:52Okay. Okay.
00:46:54Bye-bye. Bye.
00:46:58That didn't feel good. That felt really bad.
00:47:00I know. I'm sorry. No, no.
00:47:02Don't be. I mean, it's the kind of thing we have to get used to, you know?
00:47:04I have to go and throw up now.
00:47:06Okay? I miss you so much.
00:47:08All right? You're my best friend.
00:47:12You know, I feel normal around. I just...
00:47:14I know, I know, I know, I know.
00:47:16Hopefully, over time, we'll still...
00:47:18This is all gonna work out. Yes, yes.
00:47:20Yes, yes. I promise it will.
00:47:22We just have to let go of those old, you know, feelings we had for each other.
00:47:24Bye.
00:47:26Okay?
00:47:28So, this Jerome guy,
00:47:30did he have, like...
00:47:32Was he just, like, huge?
00:47:34I just want to know.
00:47:36Like, as a friend.
00:47:38Is that bad for a friend?
00:47:40Was it like, oh, nice surprise, babe?
00:47:42Or was it like, you better just take me home now, babe?
00:47:44Was it like I'm in over my head?
00:47:46Was it I'm in over my head, babe?
00:47:58As you move on in your search for love,
00:48:00sex is the fastest way to erase the past.
00:48:28I promise you'll never leave me.
00:48:30I promise.
00:48:46What are you doing?
00:48:50What are you doing?
00:48:58Great.
00:49:00My only sex I've had in months, and it's with you.
00:49:14Being single again
00:49:16may be difficult,
00:49:18but it can also be empowering.
00:49:20After my breakup, I got out of the house as often as I could,
00:49:22going to places that took my mind
00:49:24off my loneliness.
00:49:26Excuse me?
00:49:28I'm looking for sort of a joke gift
00:49:30for a friend of mine's birthday.
00:49:32What's the kinkiest stuff you have?
00:49:34Depends.
00:49:36You mean kinky up the butt kind of kinky,
00:49:38or just white bread kinky?
00:49:40Just white bread kinky, please.
00:49:42Dildo aisle.
00:49:56It's a butt plug.
00:49:58Some guys like to
00:50:00put it up their butts.
00:50:02Great, thanks.
00:50:12So, um,
00:50:14what's a nice girl like you
00:50:16doing at Earl's Pornorama?
00:50:18I'm here to buy a joke gift for a friend of mine, okay?
00:50:20I'm not here to talk to, uh,
00:50:22a friend of mine.
00:50:24Why are you so nervous?
00:50:26Are you attracted to me?
00:50:28Oh, God,
00:50:30that is so arrogant.
00:50:32I just happen to be a little uncomfortable
00:50:34because I'm picking up plastic dicks
00:50:36with some guy at...
00:50:40Wait a minute.
00:50:42Don't I know you?
00:50:44Could be.
00:50:46Oh, God.
00:50:48Aren't you that guy,
00:50:50uh, aren't you a movie star?
00:50:52Aren't you that guy, uh,
00:50:54aren't you in movies with, like,
00:50:56topless ninja girls?
00:50:58Yeah, yeah, I've done a lot since then,
00:51:00though that was some of my earlier stuff.
00:51:02I'm, um, I'm...
00:51:04I'm Joey Santino.
00:51:06I know.
00:51:08My, um, my ex-boyfriend
00:51:10forced me to watch all your movies.
00:51:12Forced you to?
00:51:14Yeah, well, he loves you.
00:51:16Yeah?
00:51:18Well, not after we fall in love, he won't.
00:51:20Date actors.
00:51:50Joey wasn't very bright,
00:51:52but I loved his innocence.
00:51:54I was going through my nonjudgmental phase,
00:51:56and I didn't want to push people away
00:51:58for saying the occasional stupid thing.
00:52:00I love you.
00:52:02We've only known each other for 14 hours.
00:52:04I know.
00:52:06I loved you in the first hour,
00:52:08but I waited 13 more to tell you.
00:52:10No, you just think you're in love with me
00:52:12because we've been having sex nonstop.
00:52:14How can you be so cynical?
00:52:16I mean, I've never felt this way
00:52:18in my entire life.
00:52:20You're the most wonderful thing
00:52:22that's ever happened to me.
00:52:24You see, this is why I don't date actors.
00:52:26And you don't have to say you love me back,
00:52:28because I just want you to know
00:52:30how I feel, as well.
00:52:32Okay.
00:52:34Unless you want to.
00:52:36I mean, I don't want to stop you
00:52:38from saying, you know,
00:52:40I love you.
00:52:42I mean, I don't want to stop you
00:52:44from saying that you love me
00:52:46if you want to.
00:52:48Okay.
00:53:00I like you a lot, though.
00:53:02What?
00:53:06Okay.
00:53:08Hello?
00:53:10Hey, it's me.
00:53:12Oh, hey, Adam. What's up?
00:53:14Nothing much. I haven't seen you in a couple weeks.
00:53:16You want to grab some dinner tomorrow night?
00:53:18Well, that's so sweet, but I can't. I'm going out.
00:53:20Oh, what about Friday?
00:53:22You want to see a movie on Friday?
00:53:24No, I can't. I'm going to Malibu for the weekend.
00:53:26Malibu? What's in Malibu?
00:53:28Big Beach.
00:53:30Oh, yes. I saw that in the Thomas guide once.
00:53:32Who are you going with?
00:53:34I'm going to see a movie.
00:53:36Who are you going with?
00:53:38Just some guy. You don't know him.
00:53:40He's got a house out there.
00:53:42Oh, you like him?
00:53:44What's with all the questions?
00:53:46No reason. I just want to know if you like this rich Malibu guy is all.
00:53:48Yeah, I like him.
00:53:52You like him a lot?
00:53:54Yeah, he's nice.
00:53:58Hello?
00:54:00You love him?
00:54:02I think so, yeah.
00:54:04We've been almost every day together for the last couple of weeks.
00:54:06It's great. It's great for you.
00:54:08You know what? I've got to run,
00:54:10because I've got a date with an actress.
00:54:12You know?
00:54:14Okay. I'll call you when I get back, and we'll have lunch or something.
00:54:16Sure. Great.
00:54:34I can't take it.
00:54:36What?
00:54:38I can't take it. I can't. I cannot. I can't take it.
00:54:40I can't. I can't take it.
00:54:42Get in here.
00:54:44I thought I was over you.
00:54:46I thought I was done.
00:54:48Oh, God, this is horrible.
00:54:50Just don't go to Malibu.
00:54:52Please. Please don't go to Malibu.
00:54:54Are you out of your mind? This is a joke, right?
00:54:56This is not a joke. This is not.
00:54:58What's wrong with you?
00:55:00You've been dating women nonstop since we broke up.
00:55:02We've been close to it an entire year.
00:55:04I was wrong. What can I say? I was wrong. I was silly. I was stupid.
00:55:06I was wrong. I didn't know how I felt about you until tonight,
00:55:08until right now.
00:55:10What happened to the date with the actress?
00:55:12She's canceled. It's over.
00:55:14God, he shouldn't have, because Joey's on his way.
00:55:16Joey? His name is Joe?
00:55:18How could you date a guy named Joey?
00:55:20Please don't date him anymore. Let's get back together again.
00:55:22I love you. Let's have babies.
00:55:24Would you stop acting like an insane person?
00:55:26Why don't you go home and relax or something?
00:55:28I love you. Let's get back together.
00:55:30Just tell me one thing.
00:55:32What?
00:55:34What's his last name?
00:55:36Just tell me his last name.
00:55:38Santino.
00:55:40Oh, Santino.
00:55:42That's like Joey's...
00:55:44Not...
00:55:46Joey Santino, the actor?
00:55:48My, the titty ninja?
00:55:50You fucking hate him!
00:55:52Actually, he's really a very good actor.
00:55:54I mean, clearly you haven't seen any of his later work.
00:55:56The fuck are you talking about his later work?
00:55:58Motherfucker, you haven't seen...
00:56:00Oh, my God, you're kidding me.
00:56:02How could you...
00:56:04Adam, you have to go.
00:56:06You weren't supposed to fall in love.
00:56:08Oh, quit being such a hypocrite.
00:56:10I'm not a...
00:56:12I'm a guy. I fuck. I don't fall in love.
00:56:14Well, maybe you don't.
00:56:16Oh, you think Mr. Italian, uh, fucking, uh...
00:56:18Yeah, he's fucking you, he loves you?
00:56:20I don't think so.
00:56:22Whatever.
00:56:24You know what? I'm fucking out of here, all right?
00:56:26Fuck this shit.
00:56:28Don't fucking call!
00:56:56Are you Miss Kate Wells?
00:56:58Yeah.
00:57:00I have a message for you from Adam Levy.
00:57:02Even though we're only pals,
00:57:04Only pals, only pals,
00:57:06I don't like the other gals,
00:57:08You're my baby.
00:57:10Don't go out with that dumb guy,
00:57:12That dumb guy, that dumb guy,
00:57:14If you do, I'll start to cry.
00:57:16I don't like the other gals,
00:57:18You're my baby.
00:57:20Don't go out with that dumb guy,
00:57:22That dumb guy, that dumb guy,
00:57:24If you do, I'll start to cry.
00:57:26You're my baby.
00:57:28You're my baby.
00:57:30Yeah!
00:57:32Mr. Levy
00:57:34would like you to have
00:57:36an autographed picture
00:57:38of himself
00:57:40and this.
00:57:42Hold on, it gets better.
00:57:44Cheese sandwich.
00:57:48Humming
00:58:02Hello.
00:58:04Did the little guy sing?
00:58:06What do you think?
00:58:08Got my picture up?
00:58:10Adam?
00:58:12Next to the boys?
00:58:14Yes, I got the sandwich and I got your picture.
00:58:16Come over.
00:58:18We'll spork, we'll spoon, we'll do it all.
00:58:20Lay around like walruses all day.
00:58:22Adam?
00:58:24What are you wearing?
00:58:32God, it's beautiful here.
00:58:42Are you talking to me?
00:58:46Are you talking to me?
00:58:48There's nobody else.
00:58:50Are you talking to me?
00:58:52Who the fuck
00:58:54do you think you're talking to?
00:58:56Huh?
00:58:58De Niro!
00:59:00Right.
00:59:02I swear, I love him.
00:59:04De Niro.
00:59:06Yeah, he's a good actor.
00:59:10Good.
00:59:12Good?
00:59:14Good.
00:59:16We were talking about Robert De Niro here.
00:59:18Good.
00:59:20Come on.
00:59:22You know, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, they're good.
00:59:24Asparagus is good.
00:59:26De Niro.
00:59:28I mean, like,
00:59:30Cape Fear.
00:59:34Counselor.
00:59:36Come out, come out, wherever you are.
00:59:40See, I ain't no white trash piece of shit.
00:59:42See, I can out-learn you.
00:59:44I can out-read you.
00:59:46I can out-think you.
00:59:48And I can out-philosophize you.
00:59:50And I'm gonna outlast you.
00:59:54Huh?
00:59:56Huh? That's good, right?
00:59:58And Raging Bull, which, which
01:00:00is the greatest performance of all time?
01:00:02Get me down, Ray.
01:00:04Get me down.
01:00:06Hey.
01:00:08All right.
01:00:10All right.
01:00:12Why are you trying to ruin my relationship?
01:00:14Your nose is so cute.
01:00:16You never tried to get me back before.
01:00:18What ego trip are you on?
01:00:20Can I kiss it?
01:00:22What?
01:00:24Your nose.
01:00:26Adam, stop screwing up my life.
01:00:28I'm involved with somebody else.
01:00:30Marry me?
01:00:32Please.
01:00:34Are you listening to me?
01:00:36Yeah, listen, I get it.
01:00:38You never cared to me.
01:00:40I was number 14 for you.
01:00:42You were number 3 for me.
01:00:44Just marry me.
01:00:46I'm sorry I screwed up, all right?
01:00:48I can't live with this kind of mistake in my life.
01:00:50Don't you see this is really bad timing?
01:00:52You can't just wait until I'm heavily involved
01:00:54with somebody else to all of a sudden
01:00:56propose marriage or profess your love to me.
01:00:58I'll change. How does that sound?
01:01:00You know what? We're gonna make up a contract,
01:01:02and everything you don't like about me,
01:01:04I'm gonna change.
01:01:06Yeah, you're right. I'm not gonna change.
01:01:08I'm enough, and I learned that from you.
01:01:10You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna fly,
01:01:12we're gonna take trips, I'm gonna go to therapy,
01:01:14I'm gonna get over my fear of airplanes,
01:01:16and we're gonna go any place you want to go.
01:01:18Adam, stop it. Stop it right now.
01:01:20All right.
01:01:22Well, let me just ask you then,
01:01:24just straight out, all kidding aside,
01:01:26Katie,
01:01:28will you marry me?
01:01:32No.
01:01:34Well, um,
01:01:38I won't torture you anymore then.
01:01:40I, uh, you know, you're happy,
01:01:42and I'm happy you're happy.
01:01:44I made you miserable, and I'm sorry.
01:01:46No.
01:01:48No, but I just want you to know something, though.
01:01:50What?
01:01:52I can't be friends.
01:01:54I'm just, I'm too weak.
01:01:56Adam.
01:01:58I mean, I can't even be around you.
01:02:00You're sitting here, and you're like this incredibly
01:02:02juicy ham sandwich
01:02:04that I just want to stuff in my mouth, and I can't
01:02:06because, like, my lips are sewn shut.
01:02:08That's a pretty analogy.
01:02:10You know what I mean.
01:02:12Okay.
01:02:20Have a nice life.
01:02:22Don't say that.
01:02:24You know we'll see each other again.
01:02:26Yeah, right.
01:02:32Bye.
01:02:42Is infatuation love?
01:02:44No, but it feels like it is.
01:02:46All those chemicals pumping through your brain
01:02:48can turn every word he says into poetry.
01:02:50Did I ever tell you what I used to do to my little brother
01:02:52with dog shit?
01:02:54Whenever he did something that I didn't like,
01:02:56I'd put dog shit under his pillow.
01:02:58I'd say, hey, Jimmy, let's play hide-and-go-seek.
01:03:00Put your head under the pillow and count to 20.
01:03:02Half the time you get to 10
01:03:04before you realize what happened.
01:03:06Wow. Sounds pretty stupid.
01:03:08Jimmy?
01:03:10No, no. He's the smartest one of us kids.
01:03:12He's a lawyer now.
01:03:14Hmm.
01:03:22Now do you remember me?
01:03:24Relationships that are based
01:03:26entirely on sex end the minute
01:03:28the sex gets boring.
01:03:30So if you want it to last beyond boring sex,
01:03:32you'd better try to connect on a deeper level.
01:03:34I brought us some cheese sandwiches.
01:03:36Thanks.
01:03:42Do you think people can
01:03:44stay passionate about each other forever?
01:03:46Yeah.
01:03:48I mean, as long as they work on the relationship,
01:03:50you know, they'll get back.
01:03:52Yeah, I wonder.
01:03:54I'm not sure it's natural.
01:03:56I like to think it's possible, though.
01:03:58I mean, I think that over time
01:04:00we all tend to take each other for granted,
01:04:02and after their years of staying together,
01:04:04saying, I love you is like saying
01:04:06cheese sandwich, you know?
01:04:08Do you know what Robert De Niro's lactose intolerant?
01:04:18After the infatuation chemicals in my brain
01:04:20stopped multiplying,
01:04:22I began to get over my nonjudgmental phase.
01:04:26Joey and I were gonna have a real conversation
01:04:28if it was the last thing we did.
01:04:32I'm gonna die.
01:04:34Yeah.
01:04:36Are you listening to me?
01:04:38What?
01:04:40I'm gonna die.
01:04:42When?
01:04:44Someday.
01:04:46Yeah, we're all gonna die, okay?
01:04:48Watch me.
01:04:50Doesn't that bother you?
01:04:52I don't think about stuff like that.
01:04:54Well, why not?
01:04:56Kate, look, we're in the middle of a movie.
01:04:58Yeah, well, that's when I think about death the most.
01:05:00I look at all these people
01:05:02staring straight into the darkness, and it freaks me out.
01:05:04Don't you get that?
01:05:06No, okay? I don't get that.
01:05:08I mean, why should I get that? I don't even wanna get that.
01:05:10Yeah, well, see, that's the problem.
01:05:12When two people are together, they're supposed to get each other.
01:05:14You don't get me, I don't get you.
01:05:16What?
01:05:18What the fuck are you talking about?
01:05:20You know what my problem is?
01:05:22I'm a floater.
01:05:24I float through life like a corpse on a river
01:05:26bumping into rocks and logs.
01:05:28I don't choose my path.
01:05:30I just bump into stuff, like you.
01:05:32I bump into you in a porno store.
01:05:34Boom, I have sex with you. Boom, I'm in a relationship with you.
01:05:36Boom, I don't think. I just boom.
01:05:38Shut the fuck up!
01:05:40So that's what I am to you? I'm just some goddamn log
01:05:42you just bumped into at a porno store?
01:05:44You're wearing sunglasses in a movie theater.
01:05:46They're subscription.
01:05:48It's prescription, you idiot!
01:05:50Okay, Mrs. Thesaurus.
01:05:52All right, I'm an idiot.
01:05:54You know, that's it.
01:05:56You know, hasta la vista, baby.
01:05:58Here's a man who would not take it anymore.
01:06:00You're all gonna die.
01:06:02Think about it.
01:06:04You're all gonna die, and nobody will ever remember you
01:06:06because they'll all be dead too.
01:06:08Excuse me.
01:06:14Hi, this is Adam.
01:06:16I'm not home, so leave a message after the beep.
01:06:20Hi, it's me.
01:06:22Adam, are you there?
01:06:26Hello, Kate?
01:06:28Hi.
01:06:30I didn't want to call anybody else.
01:06:32Are you okay?
01:06:34No.
01:06:36What's wrong, baby?
01:06:38We broke up.
01:06:40I broke up with Joey.
01:06:42Oh, that's horrible.
01:06:46I'm such a failure.
01:06:48I am. I'm a relationship leper.
01:06:50Not true.
01:06:52You have more relationship potential
01:06:54than anybody that I know.
01:06:56Fuck potential. Anyone can have potential.
01:06:58What, are you kidding?
01:07:00Katie, your only problem is that you've had bad timing.
01:07:02Two people could be perfect for each other,
01:07:04and if the timing's wrong, it's never gonna work out for them.
01:07:06Bad timing's the reason that most normal people
01:07:08end up single.
01:07:10Normal people?
01:07:12Yeah, weirdos and creeps are single
01:07:14because they're weird and creepy,
01:07:16because we're victims of bad timing.
01:07:18So when did you have things all figured out?
01:07:20Since you fell in love,
01:07:22and I've had to lay in bed awake every night
01:07:24and wonder if I'd ever find anybody
01:07:26who I feel as normal with as I do with you.
01:07:34I know.
01:07:36Bad timing, Adam.
01:07:46If the timing's ever right, you just let me know, okay?
01:07:48Okay.
01:07:52How about now? You think you're good?
01:07:54Okay, that's cool.
01:07:56Take as much time as you want.
01:08:08Love is ecstasy and agony,
01:08:10freedom and imprisonment,
01:08:12belonging and loneliness.
01:08:16It's what keeps us together
01:08:18when life tears us apart.
01:08:22So,
01:08:24when you find that perfect man,
01:08:26hold on tight,
01:08:28and call me so I can
01:08:30run over there and see what he looks like
01:08:32and laugh because he doesn't exist,
01:08:34you sad, perky little optimistic suckers.
01:08:42I quit.
01:08:44I couldn't do the assignment.
01:08:46I felt like a fraud since my first day here.
01:08:48Everything I've written has been crap,
01:08:50and I'm a total sellout. I can't do it anymore.
01:08:52And, you know, honestly, I'm sorry
01:08:54if I've caused you any problems, all right?
01:08:56Wait a minute.
01:08:58She's way too fat.
01:09:00Everything you've written here has been bullshit?
01:09:02Yep.
01:09:04Nothing has had even a single grain of truth in your eyes?
01:09:06Nothing.
01:09:08So then what you're saying is that your research
01:09:10on being able to cure depression was completely made up?
01:09:12No, actually,
01:09:14that one was true.
01:09:16But it only works for the sucky.
01:09:18The sucker always stays depressed.
01:09:22I told you that.
01:09:40Hi.
01:09:42Hi.
01:09:44I'm, uh, I'm your...
01:09:46No, actually, could I ask you a few questions? Is that okay?
01:09:48Um, sure.
01:09:50Yeah, go ahead.
01:09:52Are you married?
01:09:54No.
01:09:56Do you have any children you haven't told anyone about?
01:09:58No.
01:10:00Do you feel the need to sow your wild oats and have sex with a lot of different women?
01:10:02No.
01:10:04Are you a liar?
01:10:06Yes. Just kidding.
01:10:08Good. You've got a sense of humor.
01:10:10That was my next question. Uh, can you listen?
01:10:12I'm sorry, what?
01:10:14Okay.
01:10:16You see, you see how I...
01:10:18Yeah, I get it. Just one more. I promise.
01:10:20Uh, do you have a problem
01:10:22with complicated women?
01:10:24Nope.
01:10:26Great. Let's go.
01:10:28Um, may I, may I ask you one question?
01:10:30Oh, of course. I'm sorry.
01:10:32Ask anything you want.
01:10:34Have you allowed Jesus Christ into your heart?
01:10:36Oh, God!
01:10:38If I could have one moment of your time...
01:10:40No. Get out.
01:10:42May I? May I?
01:10:44No!
01:10:46Okay, but if the next knock is the devil...
01:10:48Go!
01:10:50Oh, listen. Have you allowed...
01:10:52Hey, go! Now!
01:10:54I think you...
01:10:56Hi. Are you Kate Wells?
01:10:58Yeah, and you're, um, Rob, right?
01:11:00That's right.
01:11:32Thank you. Thanks a lot.
01:11:34Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
01:11:36It's a pleasure. Thank you.
01:11:38Hi. Hi, hi. Thanks for coming down.
01:11:40Thanks a lot.
01:11:48You're good.
01:11:50Thank you. Thank you.
01:11:52And nasty.
01:11:54All right.
01:11:56I like my men good and nasty.
01:12:01You got a girlfriend?
01:12:03Yeah. Yeah, I do.
01:12:05She's on a date now.
01:12:07However...
01:12:12Yep.
01:12:30So where's your blind date?
01:12:32I told him I was sick.
01:12:34Oh, yeah? You're sick all right.
01:12:36Yeah, from wanting you back.
01:13:00Wow.
01:13:02That was incredible.
01:13:04I am very proud of myself.
01:13:06I did good, right?
01:13:08Did I do good?
01:13:10Yeah, you did all right.
01:13:12Mm-hmm.
01:13:14It was different.
01:13:16I surprised you with a couple of those things.
01:13:18I know it.
01:13:20You seem scared.
01:13:22Where'd you learn that?
01:13:24Oh, I don't know.
01:13:26I don't know.
01:13:28Where'd you learn that?
01:13:30Oh, I don't know.
01:13:32We should break up more often.
01:13:34We should.
01:13:40Get out.
01:13:46So with Joey, what is that now, 16?
01:13:48Oh, shut up.
01:13:50No, seriously.
01:13:5215. I was 14.
01:13:54What about PTs? Tell me about PTs.
01:13:56No, you do.
01:13:58Where do you think I learned that thing I did?
01:14:26I always wanted to chase you down
01:14:28And like many, I fell in love with you
01:14:30And when you gave your heart back to me
01:14:32I didn't know what to do
01:14:34I always wanted to chase you down
01:14:36And like many, I fell in love with you
01:14:38And when you gave your heart back to me
01:14:40I didn't know what to do
01:14:42I always wanted to chase you down
01:14:44And like many, I fell in love with you
01:14:46And when you gave your heart back to me
01:14:48I didn't know what to do
01:14:50I always wanted to chase you down
01:14:52I always wanted to chase you down
01:14:54And like many, I fell in love with you
01:14:56And when you gave your heart back to me
01:14:58I didn't know what to do
01:15:00I always wanted to chase you down
01:15:02And like many, I fell in love with you
01:15:04And when you gave your heart back to me
01:15:06I didn't know what to do
01:15:08I always wanted to chase you down
01:15:10And like many, I fell in love with you
01:15:12And when you gave your heart back to me
01:15:14I didn't know what to do
01:15:16I always wanted to chase you down
01:15:18And like many, I fell in love with you
01:15:20And when you gave your heart back to me
01:15:22If it only was that easy
01:15:33If it only was that easy
01:15:41If you would let love be strong
01:15:47And make sure you love someone
01:15:53Simple as an 84 this morning
01:16:04Don't live too much
01:16:07Don't live too little
01:16:09Just make sure that you love a life
01:16:15If it only was that easy
01:16:19I would surely try it out
01:16:26If it only was that easy
01:16:30Who would ever know
01:16:33That there's a life
01:16:45You couldn't choose who to be
01:16:50And there's a difference between you and me
01:16:57If I love too much
01:17:00Sometimes too little
01:17:03I'm just happy I have a life to live
01:17:09If it only was that easy
01:17:13I would surely try it out
01:17:20If it only was that easy
01:17:24Who would ever know
01:17:27That there's a life
01:17:31If it only was that easy
01:17:35I would surely try it out
01:17:44If it only was that easy
01:17:51Don't live too much
01:17:54Don't live too little
01:17:56Just make sure that you love a life
01:18:01If it only was that easy
01:18:07I would surely try it out
01:18:14If it only was that easy
01:18:18Who would ever know
01:18:21That there's a life
01:18:25If it only was that easy
01:18:28I would surely try it out
01:18:35If it only was that easy
01:18:39Who would ever know
01:18:43If it only was that easy
01:18:46I would surely try it out
01:18:49If it only was that easy
01:18:52I would surely try it out
01:18:55If it only was that easy
01:18:58I would surely try it out
01:19:02If it only was that easy
01:19:05I would surely try it out
01:19:09If it only was that easy