Shеrrу Vinе Vаriеtу Shоw S03Е03 (2024)
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TVTranscript
00:00I'm here on my granddaddy's farm and I just finished my chores, milking Bertha, baling
00:19the hay, and worshing my unmentionables with a worshboard down in the worsh, crick.
00:26So I want y'all to get comfortable in your best dungarees, snuggle up to a little ol'
00:30piglet, and get ready for our hoedown!
00:57And now, your host, Sherry Vine!
01:16Here he comes riding on his tractor.
01:20Come on baby, make it move faster.
01:27Cause he's looking divine, so fine in his denim overalls.
01:31I can't look away, can't wait for them to fall to the ground.
01:39Now lay me on my back, on this haystack.
01:44It's time for a hoedown.
01:48Hoedown!
01:49Hot damn, I'm getting nitty gritty.
01:52Hot damn, I'm messing with my kitty.
01:55Hot damn, show is a pity.
01:58Pity, pity, I'll be leaving for the city.
02:01Hot damn, talk to me later.
02:03Hot damn, wrestling with this gator.
02:06Hot damn, it's gonna be a hater.
02:09Wish it was greater, but my heart is a traitor.
02:12Can't see me living this country life.
02:16Sorry baby, I'll never be a wife.
02:22There's too many places I wanna see.
02:25Things I wanna do.
02:27The dance is coming to an end.
02:30I love you.
02:32Now don't you talk.
02:34Cause he won't leave this farm.
02:37This will break my heart charm.
02:40But I gotta go, gotta go.
02:45Hot damn, a girl who can't say no.
02:48Hot damn, he plucks me like a banjo.
02:51Hot damn, you already know.
02:54I want you so bad I can't make you my beau.
02:57Hot damn, my blood starts a rushing.
02:59Hot damn, I feel my cheeks a brushing.
03:02Hot damn, huffing and a puffing.
03:05Loving all this loving.
03:06I know he ain't my cousin.
03:08Baby, your life is here.
03:11The fields, the plow.
03:13What's that thing called again?
03:15Cow.
03:16Yes.
03:17But it's not me, no.
03:19The world's calling and I wanna grab it all.
03:23But I'll always remember the beautiful love we made.
03:27Just to be clear, you're not my cousin, right?
03:31Hot damn, my neck he's a kissing.
03:33Hot damn, my mind's gone fishing.
03:36Hot damn, can't help wishing.
03:39But I thought you're living high.
03:40I know I'll be missing.
03:42Hot damn, it is what I am.
03:45Hot damn, time for me to scram.
03:47Hot damn, love says I'm a lamb.
03:50Hot damn, hot damn.
04:15Hot damn, hot damn.
04:45Ooh, earning your wings.
04:52In just a few simple steps, you too can achieve your goal.
04:55Earn your wings and have an all-access pass to heaven.
04:59Ooh.
05:00Oh, disclaimer, it's really not that simple,
05:03as most people are selfish and they need a lot of time
05:06to learn how to care about someone other than themselves.
05:09And by all-access, obviously we don't mean all-access.
05:14You will get more info if and when you finally get your wings.
05:18Good luck.
05:20Wow.
05:22Oh, hey girl.
05:24Good work showing that driver how to make the right decision.
05:28Here's your next assignment.
05:31It's very bewitched.
05:33Gee, is everything okay?
05:34You're normally so bouncy and gleeful
05:37and annoyingly self-centered.
05:39I don't want to talk about it.
05:40Okay.
05:41The musical Hair is playing tonight,
05:43and it's my very favorite,
05:44and it's one night only, and I can't go.
05:46Well, honey, it's a good show, but it's not great.
05:50I mean, rent the movie.
05:51Are you crazy?
05:52I mean, that show features all that full-frontal nudity
05:54and get a load of this cast that's going to be
05:56serving up top-shelf dick.
05:58Sal Mineo, Rock Hudson, James Dean,
06:01Bruce Lee, Chadwick Boseman, and Don Knotts.
06:05Oh, I'd kill to see that.
06:09Sherry, don't even joke like that up here.
06:12Now listen, about your next assignment,
06:14it's going to be a real challenge.
06:16Her name is Karen,
06:18and she's about to shoot a deer.
06:22You again.
06:39Hi.
06:40Karen?
06:41Yeah.
06:42Can you be quiet?
06:43Shh.
06:44I'm hot in here.
06:45Oh, you don't really want to do this?
06:48Don't tell me.
06:49You're one of those Hillary-voting, pro-choice,
06:52no-prayer-in-school, gay-is-okay,
06:54Democratic-baby-eating people.
06:56I don't eat babies.
06:58I have been waiting hours for this.
07:00I've been waiting hours for this.
07:02I've been waiting hours for this.
07:04I've been waiting hours for this.
07:07I have been waiting hours for this shot.
07:09You're going to mess it up.
07:10Shoot him for evil.
07:12Yeah, beat it, bitch.
07:14Take the shot, Karen.
07:15But it's an innocent deer.
07:17You're not going to eat it, so why kill it?
07:19Of course I'm not going to eat it.
07:20Have you ever tried venison?
07:22No, I just love killing things.
07:24It makes me feel alive.
07:26Okay, that makes no sense at all.
07:28Hunting is legal, and it's fun.
07:31Take the shot.
07:32Take the shot.
07:34Look into its little doe eyes.
07:36Didn't you see that animated movie about a deer
07:38when you were a little kid?
07:40Wait, what movie?
07:41Well, I can't say the name because of legal reasons,
07:43but it rhymes with Hamby.
07:45Oh, you don't want to do this.
07:47Look into its eyes.
07:48Fuck that corny feel-good bullshit.
07:50The deer wasn't even real.
07:51It's a cartoon.
07:52Take the shot before you lose it.
07:55I remember when my mom took me to see that movie
07:57that we can't name.
07:59And I just fell in love with all the characters,
08:02all the little characters in this room.
08:05I just loved them all so much.
08:07I can't kill Hamby.
08:09I can't do it.
08:10Ew, fucking spoiled sport.
08:13I hate you.
08:15Oh, thank you.
08:17I am so proud of you.
08:19Can I still kill mosquitoes?
08:21Yeah, totally. Everybody hates mosquitoes.
08:24Oh.
08:29Hi, welcome to Gape.
08:32Let your body loosen and open deep.
08:35Take in the whispers of the forest
08:37with our silk hole body butter.
08:40Every dawn, nature teaches us to open,
08:43to embrace, and to receive.
08:47Drawing inspiration from ancient Scandinavia,
08:50every dollop is a rich blend of organic butters
08:53infused with ancient Nordic spices,
08:56hand-picked during the fleeting midnight sun.
09:00The result?
09:02A body butter so smooth
09:04it's like wrapping your skin in a sweet, warm cashmere embrace.
09:09So open up and receive rejuvenation.
09:14Are you a mature gay?
09:16Have you transitioned from being a twink to a twas?
09:20Is Madonna still relevant to you?
09:23Then I bet you've run into this problem.
09:26Did you see that pic of JoJo Siwa kissing Avery Cyrus?
09:30Totes begoats.
09:32I bet Avery's dad, Billy Ray Cyrus,
09:34is going to have an achy, breaky heart
09:36when he sees that pic, doesn't he?
09:38Talk about a senior moment.
09:40Having trouble understanding the youth of today?
09:43You're not alone.
09:45That's why the good people at Bineco Contraptions
09:48have been working their arthritic little fingers to the bone
09:51to bring you these.
09:53Grand Buds.
09:55Grand Buds combine state-of-the-art
09:57generational language translation technology
10:00with the sleek, sleek, sleek, sleek,
10:02sleek, sleek, sleek, sleek, sleek,
10:06with the sleek, slapping design
10:08of those little Q-tip thingies you see
10:10sticking out of the fragile heads of today's youth.
10:14OMG, did you see that new Lil Nas X video?
10:17I love how he's fucking with the patriarchy
10:19by degendering fashion and exploring gender fluidity.
10:22I'm living.
10:25Is it 1990s Prince a scream?
10:28Oh, my God, yes!
10:32See? It's just that easy.
10:34Grand Buds are available wherever older gays can be found.
10:37Palm Springs, DNC fundraiser dinners,
10:40and brunch between 1 and 3 p.m.
10:42With Grand Buds, you'll always know
10:44what the kids are talking about.
10:46You probably still won't like it,
10:48but you'll understand it.
10:59Hey, what is that you're putting in your coffee, Farrah?
11:02Oh, this?
11:03Why, it's a delicious, terrific,
11:05new no-calorie sugar substitute called Slim Sweet.
11:08Just one drop of Slim Sweet
11:10equals half a cup of fattening, unhealthy diabetes-causing sugar.
11:14Here, try it.
11:15Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
11:17Slim Sweet, made right here in China.
11:20But we're not in China.
11:22What's that you're eating for breakfast, Pepper?
11:24Oh, this? This is leftovers from last night.
11:26I whipped up some Meat Burger Mentor,
11:28the quick and easy way to turn a disgusting pound of ground beef
11:32into a delicious dinner.
11:34Mmm. Try it.
11:36Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
11:38I can't believe there were any leftovers.
11:41Huh?
11:42Because it's so good.
11:44What the hell are you two doing?
11:46Oh, it's this new thing called product placement.
11:49Yes, companies pay us big bucks
11:51to subtly mention their products in the show.
11:54Hmm. Well, you two certainly put the B in stubble.
11:57Subtle.
12:00Anyway, you know, this is exactly the kind of shameless shenanigans
12:04that makes me want to pull my hair off.
12:06I mean, out. Out.
12:08Pull my hair out.
12:10Because this is my natural hair, after all.
12:13Mmm. Mmm.
12:15It just looks this shiny and big, thanks to...
12:18I can't believe that's not a wig.
12:21Tsk, tsk, tsk.
12:23HE COUGHS
12:26Listen, I have your new assignment.
12:28You two are going to have to infiltrate a drug ring
12:31hiding out in a secret location.
12:33Ooh, a dark, seedy warehouse in the worst part of town?
12:36No.
12:37A secret lair carved into the side of a mountain in Geneva?
12:40Oh, we're going to Geneva!
12:42No! It's in the country.
12:45The country? Mm-hmm.
12:47As rural as it gets, okay?
12:49The Sticks, the Boonies, Nowheresville.
12:52These people are churning their own butter,
12:55eating possums for dinner,
12:57and marrying their first cousins.
12:59Sounds cute.
13:01And won't hesitate to shoot a couple of nosy city-sickles like you two
13:04without batting an inbred eye.
13:06We're not afraid!
13:08If it gets those dirty drugs off the street, it's worth the risk.
13:11Yes.
13:12So tell me, what are we talking about here?
13:15Crystal? Crack?
13:17Crank?
13:19Actually, something called...
13:21Marijuana!
13:23Yes, please!
13:24Oh, to marry what?
13:25I'd never heard of it.
13:26Now, this is a family business, okay?
13:28It's run by a maniacal matriarch named Polly Darton
13:31with her two stupid sons, Ben and Jerry.
13:33But get this.
13:35You two are going to accidentally bump into them at...
13:41The county fair!
13:45And you know what?
13:46Because of that product placement earlier,
13:48we've got about three minutes to crack this case.
13:51Nice watch.
13:53Looks fancy.
13:55Hi-dee!
13:57I'm Polly Darton and these are my two sons, Ben and Jerry.
14:01That watch right there kind of looks like something a sea slicker might wear.
14:05That watch ain't nothing but cheap trash.
14:08The only cheap garbage I'm looking at are you two painted Jezebels.
14:13Excuse me?
14:15Rude.
14:17Yep.
14:18That's an expensive watch, all right.
14:20Oh, come on.
14:21If this watch were expensive, would I do this?
14:24Ah!
14:25She's just freaking out because it has sentimental value.
14:29You know what would help her calm down?
14:32Oh, maybe some, I don't know, marijuana.
14:37Yeah.
14:38Maybe you could hook us up with some of that there grass or pot or weed.
14:44I'm afraid we don't know what that is.
14:47I speak their language.
14:50You know, wacky, tabacky.
14:54Ah!
14:56I know what you're talking about.
14:59But if you want to meet our friend, Mary Jane,
15:04you're going to have to prove you ain't no she-sheriff.
15:06Excuse me?
15:08You know, the lady law.
15:10Beg pardon?
15:11Police!
15:12With pussies.
15:14Buzz!
15:15With front butts.
15:17Cops.
15:18With cunts.
15:20Got it.
15:22You need to prove that you're all red-blooded American female type people
15:27if you want to get our little secret sauce.
15:30So you're going to have to answer three questions.
15:32Bring it on.
15:34Oh, it's already been brought out, damn bitches.
15:38Question one.
15:40What is the greatest movie ever made?
15:45Oh, okay.
15:46That was easy.
15:47That was easy.
15:48Question two.
15:50What is the best dipping sauce for your homemade squirrel nugget?
15:59Is that your final answer?
16:01With five packets of mild sauce from Taco Hut.
16:05I love me Taco Hut.
16:07Oh, God, me too.
16:08That is correct.
16:10All right.
16:12Your final question.
16:14And no help from you, Miss Piggy.
16:16What?
16:18I'm looking at you, skinny girl.
16:21You're welcome.
16:22Question number three.
16:24It is little known that country music legend Reba McIntyre
16:27drives around with a handicapped parking pass.
16:30What is her disability?
16:36Just kidding.
16:37Reba has no upper lip.
16:42That is correct.
16:48Oh, I thought you were some nosy narcs,
16:50but I'm finding out that you're just some down-home Reba-loving
16:53country folk like us.
16:55How much would you like?
16:57Freeze, you ham-pocketing hillbilly.
17:00You're under arrest, you reefer-retailing rednecks.
17:05You have freckles and pigtails and a blacked-out tooth.
17:10And you answered all my stupid questions.
17:13Hey-o!
17:15I'm wired for sound, stupid.
17:18I've been talking to the local sheriff,
17:19and he's been feeding me the lines.
17:21You're wired, too?
17:23No, I'm just a massive Reba fan.
17:26Sounds like we got a lot in common.
17:28How about you come work for me and make some real money?
17:32I may be Reba-loving trash,
17:35and I may live paycheck to paycheck
17:37in a seedy one-room apartment in the worst part of town.
17:40But if it keeps deadly drugs like marijuana off the streets,
17:44then it's all worth it.
17:46Because we're...
17:48The Lady Cops!
17:50Oh, shit, I got bloodstain on this outfit.
17:53Oh.
17:54Don't you fret.
17:55Stain-Away 2000 will get it out for you.
17:58Oh.
18:07Oh.