Shеrrу Vinе Vаriеtу Shоw S03Е02 (2024)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Welcome, welcome, my dear friends, to what I am sure is going to be another exciting
00:13episode of the...
00:14Sherry!
00:15Why aren't you answering the phones?
00:18Because I'm doing my opening monologue.
00:20Oh.
00:21Um, okay.
00:22Well, who's my first appointment this morning?
00:25No one.
00:26This is my show, the Sherry Vine Variety Show, Season 3.
00:29Really?
00:30Seems like a big mistake.
00:33Um, so this is not Dr. Jackie, unlicensed psychotherapist?
00:37This is not Dr. Jackie.
00:40Unlicensed psychotherapist.
00:41I really need you to say the whole title, Sherry.
00:43Branding.
00:44Alright, well, uh, my mistake.
00:47I'll just, uh, leave.
00:49Good.
00:50Please leave.
00:51Okay.
00:52Please watch Dr. Jackie, unlicensed psychotherapist.
00:54Jackie!
00:55Oh my god, you really need to deal with your fucking anger issues.
00:59May I suggest you book an appointment with Dr. Jackie, unlicensed psychotherapist.
01:06Right here on the same network.
01:12Do you ever hate your best friend?
01:16It's the Sherry Vine Variety Show.
01:19Starring Sherry Vine.
01:24Jackie Beat.
01:28Monet X-Chain.
01:31Alaska Thunderfuck.
01:33Johnny McGovern.
01:35Selena Estides.
01:38And now, your host, Sherry Vine!
01:43How the hell did Sharon Needles get her wings before me?
01:55Unbelievable.
01:56A live performance of the Golden Girls with the original cast!
02:02Ooh!
02:03Full angels only.
02:05What the hell is that, asshole?
02:10I'm gonna pretend like I didn't hear that.
02:12Hey, doll!
02:13Sorry I'm late.
02:14Good morning, Jackie.
02:15Oh my god, last night was crazy!
02:19Jackie, I have been waiting for hours for you.
02:22Oh, you didn't have to do that.
02:24Yes, I did.
02:25You know I have to wait for you to come every morning to get my assignment.
02:29And you know that I have to keep doing that every day until I get my wings and get the
02:34hell out of here!
02:35Whoa, Sherry, you know that tone of voice isn't very angelic.
02:39I'm sorry, I, um, have a low blood sugar.
02:43Oh, honey, I forgive you.
02:46But back to last night.
02:48Two words.
02:49Marlon Brando.
02:50Nope.
02:51Streetcar named Desire Marlon Brando.
02:53Yes, we're talking ripped t-shirt, the muscles, the sweat.
02:57Oh my god, it was so hot.
02:59We were making out on a beanbag chair in the corner when all of a sudden this weird guy
03:04walks over.
03:05Turns out to be Albert Einstein.
03:07I know what you're thinking, but he's actually quite sexy.
03:11So he met her something about who wants a free mustache ride?
03:15And next thing you know, I'm in the middle of a moron genius sandwich.
03:20Can you say menage a trois?
03:22That's French for threesome.
03:25Oh, Jesus.
03:26Oh, yeah, she was there too.
03:27Fucked up as usual.
03:28Oh my god, she, you had to be there.
03:31Jackie, you know I can't go until I get my wings.
03:35Oh, that's right.
03:36Can I just have my assignment, please?
03:38Of course.
03:39Relax.
03:43Here you go.
03:44Listen, I gotta run.
03:45There is a pool party today in Eden's Grotto and nudity is mandatory.
03:50So mama has to, you know, clean things up a little if you can catch my drift.
03:55Gross.
03:56What?
03:57Ciao.
03:58Who put a fucking cloud there?
04:07Okay.
04:14Fuck.
04:15Shit.
04:16I do not have time for this.
04:22No one's around.
04:25Maybe that was already there.
04:27Yeah, that was already there.
04:28That wasn't me.
04:29It wasn't me.
04:30It's fine.
04:31Gotta go.
04:32Get the fuck out of here.
04:36Damn it.
04:37Hey, who the fuck are you?
04:39Hi.
04:40Think of me as your conscience.
04:42I'm here to help you make the right decision.
04:44I already made the right decision.
04:46Pull away and get the fuck out of here and no one's gonna know this ever happened.
04:49But lying and cheating is never the right choice.
04:53Wouldn't you feel better if you left a note with your information offering to pay for the damage?
04:59No.
05:00Fuck him.
05:01Burn rubber.
05:02Get out of touch.
05:03No one's ever gonna know.
05:04Beat it, Beelzeboob.
05:05If he leaves now, it will alter his life forever.
05:08It'll set him on a course of lying and cheating and ruin his life.
05:12He'll only know loneliness and sadness.
05:15Perfect.
05:16Who needs pesky friends?
05:17Put the battle to the metal.
05:20Now I don't know what to do.
05:22Trust me.
05:23If you do the right thing, it'll change your life for the better.
05:27You'll only know happiness and joy in work and in life.
05:31Liar.
05:32She's a filthy liar.
05:33Look at that hideous face.
05:35Look at it.
05:38Uh, she does have a point.
05:40I'm gonna leave a little piece of paper with my name and information and tell them I'll fix their car.
05:45Oh, I knew you'd make the right choice.
05:48Ah, pussies.
06:03When I go to bed, I dream about pink.
06:22When I wake back up, I think about pink.
06:33I look up to the sky and I see pink.
06:41Voila!
06:42Tout jamais, la vie en pink.
06:48Flamingos, bubblegum, Barbie, grapefruit, juicy velour.
06:52Carnations, cotton, candy, coral, and Alicia Moore.
06:57Don't give me that.
06:59No, I won't give.
07:01You give me to you, but I won't drink.
07:05It's not so bad.
07:07It's not my game.
07:09You can try the gentle, but I won't.
07:21And if you cut me, I will be pink.
07:27The whole universe exists in pink.
07:35Opals, lava, blushing shrimp, dolphins, East Sunrise.
07:39Beachy, Charlotte, lipstick, and sometimes my eyes.
07:43No room for white.
07:46I want pink.
07:51Shut up, yellow.
07:54I want pink.
07:59I, I, I, I, I, I, I want pink.
08:07I, I, I, I, I, I, I want pink.
08:15I can't handle them.
08:17Drives me back to the brink.
08:19You sure makes me frown.
08:21Come on.
08:22I want pink.
08:23Don't try to sell the green.
08:25Like it's a missing link.
08:27Listen to your queen.
08:29Come on.
08:30I want pink.
08:31I, I, I, I, I, I, I want pink.
08:38I want pink.
08:39I, I, I, I, I, I, I want pink.
08:46I want pink.
08:54I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I want pink.
09:00I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I want pink.
09:06I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I want pink.
09:12I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I want pink.
09:23I want pink.
09:31I'm Chase.
09:32And I'm Chad.
09:33It's just my opinion, but if you've been in a same-sex relationship for over five years
09:37and you've tried to breathe new life into that stale, monotonous rut
09:41by hiring young hustlers for awkward threesomes,
09:44turning your garage into a mid-century modern guest room,
09:47or adopting a special-needs Alaska Mala Moodle,
09:51only to find out that none of these have added any excitement
09:55to your situation.
09:56So, you find some girl on Craigslist,
09:59pay her to carry a baby for you
10:01and your distant workaholic partner,
10:03and during the pregnancy, you start experiencing
10:06what can only be called sympathetic hunger.
10:09And you, like the mother-to-be, start eating for two
10:13and skipping Zumba classes
10:14because you're too busy decorating the new baby room
10:17in a gender-neutral, non-binary color scheme
10:21because assuming the gender of your baby
10:23based on a sonogram is now considered gauche.
10:26And as a result, you have really packed on the pounds.
10:30Then guess what?
10:31I'm sorry, it's just my opinion,
10:33but you shouldn't wear white after labor.
10:36Gay.
10:37Oh, yeah?
10:39Well, it's just my opinion,
10:41but this sounds an awful lot
10:42like something called body shaming.
10:44Should you look it up on your phone?
10:46On your ancient flip phone?
10:47Does it even get internet?
10:49At least dial up?
10:50No, allow me to explain what body shaming is.
10:53Okay, body shaming is telling people
10:54what they can and cannot wear
10:56based on shape, size, and weight.
10:59Newsflash, spoiler alert, ding, ding, ding, ding.
11:02Anyone can wear anything they want now, okay,
11:04you judgmental ding-dong.
11:06The luscious and larger-than-life Lizzo
11:08can traipse around in next to nothing.
11:10Billie Eilish can wear shapeless, unattractive,
11:13oversized, bone-killer pajamas.
11:16And Harry Styles, ugh.
11:18Harry Styles can wear whatever they want
11:21because they are fearless and daring,
11:24and no pop singer has ever blurred the gender line
11:27and performed in clothing specifically designed
11:30for the opposite of what they were assigned at birth, okay?
11:33I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just my opinion,
11:36but everyone should wear white, except ghosts.
11:39And now a word from Sandy Looney.
11:45I was prancing past a bakery one day
11:47on the Upper West Side when I glanced
11:49a gangling line around the block.
11:52What could I possibly be missing out on?
11:54Free samples of a new lip gloss in shimmery satin?
11:58A scantily-clad Joe Manganiello filming his new movie?
12:03Money?
12:04No, cupcakes.
12:07Women waiting to buy a cupcake.
12:10One woman told me she'd been waiting for three hours
12:12to buy one of these cupcakes.
12:14I wouldn't wait three minutes for a free cupcake.
12:17What could possibly be so special about these cupcakes?
12:21Are they filled with the crown jewels?
12:24Are they wrapped in 14-karat gold baking liners?
12:29If I wait in line three hours for a cupcake,
12:32you best believe that when I bite into it,
12:34I better find a scantily-clad Joe Manganiello.
12:38Who are these women in New York City
12:41that have three hours to spare?
12:43Let's be crystal clear.
12:45I hate cupcakes.
12:48I'm Sandy Looney.
12:51Tell me, why do you love Seductress perfume?
12:54Because Seductress is elegant.
12:56Because it has mystery in.
12:58Confess.
13:00It's relatively cheap and always gets me laid.
13:03And why do you love Seductress?
13:05Because Seductress is a classic.
13:07Just one sniff, and men.
13:10Tell the truth.
13:12I know this is gonna sound weird,
13:14but I feel like there's something in here
13:15that instantly gives guys a raging boner.
13:21And why do you love it?
13:22Because Seductress has style
13:24and lets a man know that I'm a passionate lady.
13:27Cut the crap.
13:30Back in 1979, I couldn't pay my rent,
13:33so I murdered my elderly landlord,
13:34and I cut up his body,
13:35and I put his dismembered pieces
13:37into bags under the crawlspace.
13:39Seductress helped me cover up the stench
13:41of his rotted corpse until I could find a rich husband
13:43and get the hell out of that place.
13:45Seductress perfume.
13:47Whether you're just trying it to get lucky
13:49or get away with murder,
13:51anything's possible with Seductress.
13:53Here's to the statute of limitation.
13:57Um, there's no statute of limitations for murder.
14:01Wait, what?
14:03As I mentioned in the last episode,
14:04until we ran out of time,
14:06this is called a cliffhanger, okay?
14:09This mission might be your most dangerous one ever,
14:12and you're both gonna have to go deep undercover.
14:14As rough and tumble roller derby queens?
14:16No.
14:18As young, gorgeous supermodels?
14:21Uh, no.
14:24Astronauts?
14:25Victorian girls?
14:27No.
14:28No.
14:29No.
14:30No.
14:31Astronauts?
14:32Victorian ghosts?
14:33Best-selling authors like Jackie Collins?
14:37No, no, no.
14:39Something even more dangerous and exciting
14:41than all of those combined.
14:43Oh my God.
14:47Oh my God.
14:51Wait a minute, did you change?
14:53Well, we're working at the DMV now.
14:55I couldn't be my usual glamorous self.
14:57Good point.
14:58I'm gonna go change.
14:59No need.
15:01According to the captain,
15:03they think an insider at the DMV is keeping track
15:05of everyone who checks the organ donor boxes
15:07on their driver's licenses.
15:09It's believed that this person then gives the information
15:12to a third party who, get this,
15:14deliberately causes an auto accident,
15:16calls a fake ambulance,
15:17who speeds away with the patient
15:19only later to harvest their organs
15:22to sell on the black market.
15:23No.
15:25Yes.
15:26Bad.
15:27Yes, bad.
15:28That's why we're here.
15:30Well, I think we should split up and root out the culprit.
15:33I never thought I'd say this, but Farrah, good idea.
15:36But listen, honey, don't bother messing
15:38with any minimum wage trash like us.
15:41Okay, this is obviously someone in management,
15:43somebody who has access to those DMV files.
15:46Oh, that really only leaves the supervisor, Valerie.
15:50I'm on it.
15:52Oh, hi, Valerie.
15:54What a lovely designer outfit.
15:58Well, it seems a little expensive
15:59for somebody on a government salary,
16:02but hey, maybe it's a knockoff,
16:04or maybe it was on sale, or both.
16:08Honestly, it's not really any of my business.
16:11That's true, it isn't.
16:13Now, what do you want?
16:14Well, I was just wondering.
16:15If Lambert, the hot guy
16:17who takes the driver's license photos, is gay.
16:19He's a screaming queen, no.
16:21If I'm the one who's been using up
16:23all of your hazelnut coffee creamer,
16:25even though you've clearly written your name on it
16:27I didn't have a Sharpie, no.
16:29If I've already been offered my own spinoff show,
16:32the V in DMV stands for Valerie.
16:36Tuesday's right after, hey, this ain't my house.
16:39No.
16:41It's just that my left eye has been bothering me,
16:45and well, I was wondering if you maybe, I don't know,
16:49knew where I could get one.
16:52You sure ask a lot of questions.
16:55Now, get back to work.
16:58Oh, hey Valerie, can I ask you a quick question?
17:03Lambert is gay, I have been enjoying Vera's coffee creamer,
17:07and yes, I have indeed been offered my own spinoff show.
17:11Good to know, but it's actually none of those things.
17:14You see, I'm going to my nephew's birthday party
17:16this weekend, and I wanted to get him something special,
17:20and well, I was just wondering
17:21if you knew where I could maybe get him.
17:23Oh, I don't know.
17:25A new kidney!
17:27Someone just decided to become an organ donor.
17:30Yay, thank you so much.
17:37Don't you two have customers to be ignoring?
17:40Beat it!
17:48Hey listen, do you have a pen?
17:50I have some information for you.
17:52Yes, a pencil is fine, stupid, just write it down.
17:56All right, maroon 1981 Ford Taurus,
18:00personalized license plate, noodles, N-O-O-D-L-E-S.
18:06Yes, I agree, not spelling it with a Z at the end
18:09was a missed opportunity.
18:10Now listen, they're leaving the DMV right now,
18:13and they're heading to their home
18:14at 711 Kevin Delevin Street.
18:17The ambulance is on standby.
18:21Wow, I think it's pretty obvious
18:24who's behind this whole black market
18:26organ donor racket thing.
18:29Yeah, it's the gay photographer Lambert, right?
18:32Just back me up, stupid.
18:35You heard me, I said buy 500 shares
18:38of Blockbuster Video, and do it quick.
18:41I'll be wiring the money over to you very soon.
18:46Very soon.
18:51Hi.
18:53You know what, you two are fired.
18:55Oh yeah, well big whoop because you're under arrest.
18:58Freeze!
19:01Don't do it Valerie, don't do it, it ain't worth it.
19:03Trust me, even the smallest cell in a women's penitentiary
19:06is much roomier and more comfortable
19:08than even the fanciest coffin.
19:11Drop it!
19:14You fucking bitches.
19:15Hey, this is a prime time television show.
19:17You low down dirty rascals.
19:25What's so funny?
19:26All of this.
19:27You'll never make the charges stick,
19:29you have no evidence.
19:30Oh really?
19:33The ambulance is on standby.
19:36Looks like today DMV stands for dumb move Valerie.
19:42Great teamwork Farrah.
19:46I learned from the best Pepper.
19:48Yes, and thanks to our hard work,
19:51no unsuspecting well-meaning organ donor
19:54will ever have body parts of theirs
19:56harvested against their will and sold on the black market.
20:03Well, not after this time anyway.
20:11What are you two doing?
20:13Kind of free trade.
20:14Oh.
20:20Thank you for watching the Sherrybein Variety Show.
20:23And if you liked this show,
20:25you'll love Dr. Jackie, a licensed psychotherapist.
20:27Oh yeah, you oughta.