ChuckleVision 8x12 Finder's Keepers
Paul and Barry think the job description advert reads 'a little light housekeeping' but it's actually ' a little lighthouse keeping'. No Slacking the keeper is not happy to have them on board but when they cause him to fall down and hurt his foot he needs their assistance, even if they switch the light off by mistake. When he restores it they have to stay up all night to make sure it is all right. And the lighthouse is haunted.
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TVTranscript
00:00T-T-Tech-O-Vision! T-Tech-O-Vision!
00:21T-T-Tech-O-Vision! T-Tech-O-Vision! T-Tech-O-Vision!
00:31Paul!
00:34What?
00:35Are you sure we've got the right place?
00:37Of course we have! Now you have got the vacuum, haven't you, and the feather dusters?
00:40Yeah.
00:41Right, where's me penny? There it is.
00:44Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
00:49He-he-hey!
00:59Paul!
01:00What?
01:01Are you sure you read the ad right?
01:02Of course I did! What it said was they wanted a couple of people to do a little light housekeeping.
01:07That's polishing and stuff, isn't it?
01:09You couldn't have made a mistake, then?
01:10When did I ever make a mistake?
01:15Oh, dear. Light housekeeping. One of us is going to look a bit stupid now, aren't they?
01:20Well, we'll have to make the most of it, won't we?
01:22What? We're staying?
01:24Of course we are.
01:25We know nothing about light housekeeping.
01:26Yes, we do. I know everything there is to know about lighthouses.
01:29Really?
01:30Yes. For a start, they're not really lighthouses. They're quite heavy.
01:33Are they?
01:34Yeah, otherwise they'd blow away in the wind, wouldn't they?
01:36Of course they would, silly me.
01:38Silly you. Come on, let's see if anyone's about.
01:45This'll be it.
01:58Avast, ye swabs! What be you want?
02:01We're your new keepers.
02:02But we'll play any way you like. I'm good on the right wing, aren't I, Paul?
02:05You're not bad at it.
02:06No, you baint. I don't want any new keepers. I'm quite happy to be your new keeper.
02:11You baint. I don't want any new keepers. I'm quite happy with the old ones.
02:15Well, where are the old ones?
02:16Gone, and that's what I'll be happy about. Now clear off.
02:19But what about the advert?
02:21I got the job. I got the beard.
02:24Hey, does your budgie like red?
02:26No, he be stuffed.
02:28OK, I'll give it to him later.
02:29There won't be a later. Now clear off and leave me alone.
02:33Is that your final word?
02:34No, this is.
02:36I think he wants to be left on his own.
02:38You could be right.
02:39Come on, let's go home.
02:49That's better. We're quite happy on our own.
02:52Come on, we've got some Avastin to do.
03:06What are you doing?
03:07I'm staying here.
03:08But you heard what he said. He wants to be left alone.
03:11Ah, but when did we ever leave anybody alone?
03:15Not often enough.
03:26Careful, careful.
03:30What are you two lovers still doing here?
03:33Well, we thought you might have changed your mind.
03:39The only thing I be changing be me socks.
03:43Now clear off. We don't want you here.
03:46Do we, gym lad?
03:51Who be gym lad?
03:52Must be the budgie. Come on, we'd better be going.
03:55We've got to show him how useful we are.
03:59Where be my spare sea socks?
04:03To you, Bob.
04:04To me.
04:05To you, then.
04:06To me.
04:09To you.
04:10To me.
04:12To you.
04:13To me.
04:26You two!
04:27If you two lovers aren't to fight like those double quick,
04:30I'll kill all the pair of you.
04:34Stand back, Barry. I'll take a look at it.
04:37You?
04:38Yes, I'm an expert first aider.
04:40And I'm very good second.
04:42Get on with it.
04:43Take his boot off, Barry.
04:44Right.
04:45Oh, dear.
04:47Oh, dear, oh, dear.
04:48It's not that bad, is it?
04:50Tis where we're standing.
04:51What about me leg?
04:53Well, actually, it's not as bad as I thought,
04:55but it's worse than I reckoned.
04:57We'll have to get you to bed.
04:58What we need is a stretcher.
05:00We could use a ladder.
05:01A ladder?
05:02No, I'll tell you what.
05:03We'll use the ladder.
05:04Good idea.
05:08Get him on here.
05:10Off you go.
05:11Come here, then.
05:13Right.
05:14To me, Barry.
05:15To you, Paul.
05:16To me.
05:19Get him back on.
05:24It's no good, Paul.
05:25He's going to keep rolling off.
05:27I've got an idea.
05:28What we need is ties.
05:29Oh, dear.
05:30I left them in the wardrobe.
05:31No, not ties.
05:32Ties, ties.
05:33You know, to tie him onto the stretcher.
05:35I know.
05:36It doesn't hurt anymore.
05:38Yes, it does.
05:39Oh, oh, seen this before.
05:40It's shock, you know.
05:41Yes, you'll get a shock if you don't let me get up.
05:43No, no, no, no.
05:44It's for your own good.
05:45I'll give you good, you sons of seacooks, you.
05:48Why don't you just go away and leave me alone?
05:50Oh, we can't do that.
05:51Hey, we're going to have to stay and help you now,
05:53whether you like it or not.
05:55I don't.
05:56Don't worry.
05:57We'll soon have you back on your feet.
05:58Oh, no.
06:00Come on, Barry.
06:01To me.
06:03Oh, dear.
06:04To me.
06:05To you.
06:06To me, then.
06:07To you, then.
06:08To me.
06:09Eddie, Eddie.
06:10To us.
06:11To us.
06:12To us, then.
06:13To us.
06:14To us.
06:15Oh, he's stuck on something.
06:17Oh, dear.
06:18Oh, dear.
06:20Hey, Barry.
06:22Hold on tight to that and don't let go.
06:24Hey, look at that.
06:27Do we be a-knowing what we be a-doing?
06:29We be having to wait and see.
06:32Hey, what's that?
06:34That be left here by the very first keeper to live here.
06:37The very first lighthouse keeper?
06:39No, wicket-keeper.
06:41Wicket-keeper?
06:42How come there's only one?
06:44Because he lost his leg in a horrible accident.
06:47But you wouldn't want to hear about that.
06:49No.
06:51What exactly happened?
06:52It happened the night of the big storm.
06:55The wind were a-lashing and the waves were a-crashing.
06:59He went out to inspect the light and was never seen again.
07:05Never again?
07:06No.
07:07All they found was a wooden leg and a cricket ball a-floating in the bay.
07:12The ball is up in the tower.
07:14Strange.
07:16It was strange.
07:17Brian didn't have a wooden leg.
07:20But people do say his ghost can be heard up and around the lighthouse,
07:24leg before wicket, to this very day.
07:27I don't like things up and round to this very day.
07:30What about your brother?
07:32Oh, I like him.
07:33No, I mean, do we like things that go bump in the night?
07:36Can't stand him. Neither of us can.
07:38Can't you really?
07:40No.
07:41Tell me, did you ever hear the mysterious ghostly tale of the good ship Mare Deary?
07:47Never heard of it, darling. And my name's Barry.
07:50Ahoy!
07:51Ahoy!
07:56Dear.
08:05It's getting dark. One of you can see to the light.
08:08Off you go, Barry.
08:09And the other one can change my stuff.
08:11On second thought.
08:18I can't find the switch.
08:20Are you standing by the light?
08:22No.
08:23No.
08:24No.
08:25No.
08:26No.
08:27No.
08:28No.
08:29No.
08:30No.
08:31No.
08:32No.
08:33No.
08:34No.
08:35No.
08:36No.
08:37No.
08:38No.
08:39No.
08:40No.
08:41No.
08:42No.
08:43No.
08:44No.
08:45No.
08:46What?
08:47Yes.
08:48And are you standing by the rail?
08:50Yes.
08:51Oh well, you'll not find it up there.
08:54Where is it then?
08:55It'd be down here.
09:06Why didn't you say so?
09:07You never asked me.
09:09Oh dear, oh dear.
09:12Go and see if it's working, Barry.
09:16Oh.
09:21Now it's working.
09:26Now it's not.
09:29Oh, now it's working again.
09:34Oh, now it's not.
09:36Hang on.
09:37It's probably a loose connection.
09:38I'll fix it from down here.
09:42There.
09:47You idiot.
09:48It's supposed to do that.
09:50It's been doing that for a hundred years.
09:52It's to warn sailors to keep off the rocks.
09:55Well, they should know it by now then.
09:57Oh, I'll have to fix it meself.
09:59Now get me up there.
10:00And no slacking.
10:06To me.
10:07To us.
10:08To us.
10:09To us then.
10:10To us.
10:11Oh dear.
10:12Stop.
10:13Oh, I've had enough of this.
10:14Untie me.
10:15Oh dear, oh dear.
10:16Oh, oh.
10:17Oh, get me back.
10:18Get me back.
10:20Go on.
10:22Get me.
10:23Oh.
10:24Got it.
10:25Hang on.
10:26I'll watch your leg.
10:42There.
10:43Be fixed.
10:44It be.
10:45But somebody's going to have to stay up here all night to keep an eye on it.
10:49See you in the morning.
10:50Good night then.
10:51Eve too.
10:52We'll all stay up here and keep an eye on it.
10:54Oh, we can't do that.
10:55Me mum said I've got to be in bed by ten o'clock at the latest.
10:58Me too.
10:59Belay that.
11:00You said you wanted to be lighthouse keepers.
11:02Well, now's your chance.
11:04And I won't tell your mother if you don't.
11:06Oh, you won't need to tell her.
11:07She'll know.
11:08Yeah, she'll always tell if we've been up too late.
11:11I'll give you a note.
11:12Anyway, there's a room downstairs where we can all have a rest in turns.
11:16Oh, and it'll give me a chance to tell you about all the other ghostly things that's happened here over the years.
11:22Ghostly things?
11:23The unexplained.
11:25What unexplained?
11:26Dunno, we haven't explained yet.
11:28Enough of that.
11:29We're going to get our heads down.
11:31No, no.
11:32You take the first watch.
11:33Me?
11:34We'll have a rest.
11:35Oh, and keep your eyes open.
11:37I think this sounds like a storm brewing.
11:40Ha-argh!
11:41Ha-ha-argh!
11:42Come on, Jim, lad.
11:43Ha-argh!
11:44Ha-argh!
11:52Here's the bedroom.
11:54Oh.
11:55This be the very room where Keeper Smollett went berserk.
11:59With terrible consequences.
12:01Why? What happened?
12:02It be the night of the other great storm.
12:05The wind were a-lashing.
12:07And the sea were a-crushing.
12:09Smollett went out to inspect the light and...
12:11Was never seen again?
12:12No.
12:13He came back with a terrible look on his face.
12:15Threw his clothes into a kit bag and walked off into the night.
12:19And then he was never seen again?
12:21No.
12:22I saw him last week in the supermarket.
12:24But he still had a terrible look on his face.
12:27I get that when I go to the supermarket.
12:29It's the queueing I don't like.
12:31Ian, you take that one.
12:33That be Smollett's.
12:34All right.
12:35Smollett's!
12:36Here.
12:38Here.
12:39Do you talk when you're asleep?
12:41No, you're all right.
12:42Oh.
12:43I sing.
12:44There'll be no singing tonight.
12:46I hate singing.
12:48It reminds me of the night of the other great storm.
12:51Was that the other great storm or another great storm?
12:54Neither.
12:55Good.
12:56I'm going to sleep now.
12:57Good night, Jim lad.
12:59Good night.
13:00I hope so.
13:02Ha ha!
13:05Ha ha!
13:22I wonder if he knows he's got a bat in his belfry.
13:30Huh?
13:31This must have been Brian's.
13:33And it's chuckle about to bowl from the pavilion end.
13:46What was that?
13:47He's disappeared.
13:48Rubbish.
13:56See?
13:57I told you.
13:58No.
13:59He's probably hiding under the mattress.
14:03No, he's not there.
14:04He's disappeared all mysterious-like.
14:06Nonsense.
14:08He's probably gone for a drink of water.
14:10Come on, let's have a look.
14:16I tell you, there's no such thing as ghosts.
14:18What about things that go bump in the night?
14:20The only things that go bump in the night are...
14:27The only things that go bump in the night
14:29are dodgems at an evening funfair.
14:31So there's nothing to be scared of?
14:32Nothing at all.
14:33Are you sure?
14:34Positive.
14:35OK, I'll go back to bed then.
14:37You're not convinced, are you?
14:38Yes, I'm convinced.
14:39Come on, I'll show you.
14:49Come on, you go first.
14:50I'll watch from the back.
14:57Was that you?
14:58Was what me?
14:59That.
15:01Oh, you mean those?
15:03Yeah.
15:04No, that wasn't me.
15:06Must be the wind.
15:19Don't do that.
15:22What was that?
15:23It sounded like someone downstairs pulling the chain.
15:25Someone?
15:27Or something?
15:29Now hang on, let's not get irrational about this.
15:31One of us is going to have to go downstairs and see what it is.
15:34Well, off you go then.
15:35Just a minute.
15:36Why is it always me who has to go?
15:38You're right.
15:39We've got to be fair about this.
15:40Tell you what, we'll toss a coin for it.
15:42OK.
15:43Right.
15:44Heads or tails?
15:45Yes.
15:46No, no, no.
15:47You've got to say heads or tails.
15:48Oh, right.
15:49Erm, heads.
15:50Right.
15:52Oh dear, oh dear.
15:54It's gone downstairs.
16:01Which is it?
16:02Neither.
16:04Eh?
16:05Look.
16:12That's unusual.
16:22Hey, what's this room for?
16:24This is where they work the fog on.
16:26Is it?
16:27Mm.
16:28Can I have a go?
16:29D-d-d-d-d!
16:30We're here to look for the Keeper.
16:32Oh.
16:34What is it?
16:35Oh, I don't know.
16:36It's in here.
16:37Shall we knew.
16:38It's in here.
16:39Shall we knew.
16:40It is.
16:41What is tucked in?
16:42Let's search.
16:43tar-tanker.
16:44T-t-t-t-t-t-tanker!
16:45What?
16:46Take the key.
16:47Do, you know what?
16:48Look for it.
16:49Oh.
16:50No.
16:51Oh.
16:52I do!
16:53I do!
16:54I d-d-d-d-d-dd!
16:57I d-d-d-d-d-d- What is he doin'?
17:00What is it?
17:04It must be the wind.
17:05Are you sure it's not something else?
17:06How many times do I have to tell you?
17:07There is nothing else.
17:08I still don't like it.
17:09I don't want to be ghostified.
17:20You won't be if you leave this place, never to return.
17:23The keeper wants to be left alone.
17:27Left alone.
17:30Help!
17:32Help!
17:34Help!
17:36Hey!
17:38Don't go down there!
17:43There's a ghost!
17:44That wasn't a ghost!
17:45It was me!
17:46You?
17:47Yes.
17:48I was trying to scare you so you'd leave me alone.
17:49That's not very nice.
17:52I don't care.
17:53I want to be alone. I like being alone.
17:56I'm what alone was invented for.
17:58Well, why didn't you say?
18:00Say? Say? I did say.
18:03In fact, I shouted, but you wouldn't listen.
18:07So there's no ghost then?
18:08Of course there's no ghost.
18:10Do you think I'd stay here for a minute if there was a ghost?
18:16Just a minute.
18:17What's that?
18:20There is a ghost!
18:21It's Brian!
18:23Help! Help! Help!
18:40It was just a cricket ball, you stupid Choco Brothers.
18:44Dearie me, there'll be more from Paul and Barry next Tuesday when they're off to Spain.
18:48And stay with us this afternoon because Get Your Own Back is coming up next.