If You Don't Stop It... You'll Go Blind!!! is a 1975 American comedy film directed by Keefe Brasselle and I. Robert Levy.
The film was followed two years later by the sequel Can I Do It... 'Til I Need Glasses?
Plot summary
The World Society of Zsexual Arts and Sciences holds its annual meeting to select the year's winners of the World Zex awards. The selection committee views film clips of the various contestants (a series of sthemed comedy sketches). At the final awards show, the golden "dildies" are presented to the winners and Keefe Brasselle sings and dances with showgirls.
The film was followed two years later by the sequel Can I Do It... 'Til I Need Glasses?
Plot summary
The World Society of Zsexual Arts and Sciences holds its annual meeting to select the year's winners of the World Zex awards. The selection committee views film clips of the various contestants (a series of sthemed comedy sketches). At the final awards show, the golden "dildies" are presented to the winners and Keefe Brasselle sings and dances with showgirls.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00["The Star-Spangled Banner"]
00:00:04["The Star-Spangled Banner"]
00:00:31["The Star-Spangled Banner"]
00:00:37Thank you very much.
00:00:41Are you ready, sir?
00:00:44My dear, have you decided what you'll have for dinner?
00:00:46Yes, I have.
00:00:48I'll start off with a Scarga Marseille with Chablis 1964.
00:00:52Then, Crab Crab with mustard sauce, Manhattan clam chowders,
00:00:55Caesar salad for two, don't forget the anchovies.
00:00:58Chateaubriand, blood rare, with Escala potatoes a la Pierre,
00:01:03vegetables and garni, of course, with that, a bottle of Margaux 57,
00:01:07asparagus tips, hollandaise sauce supreme,
00:01:09fettuccine alfredo, a magnum of Piper Heidsieck champagne,
00:01:13five-star 1961.
00:01:15Sixty-one.
00:01:16And, of course, don't forget the balaclava caviar.
00:01:19For dessert, I want baked Alaska, Cherry's Jubilee,
00:01:23chocolate mousse, strawberries teddy, and a demi-tasse of Irish coffee.
00:01:33My dear, tell me, do you eat this well at home?
00:01:38Well, no.
00:01:39But then again, at home, nobody wants to fuck me.
00:01:42No.
00:02:12Good morning, Mr. Perkins.
00:02:35Good morning, Mr. Winston.
00:02:36Good morning, Mr. Sullivan.
00:02:37Good morning, Jerry.
00:02:38How are you?
00:02:39Ah, Dr. Coswell.
00:02:40Good morning.
00:02:41That becomes you.
00:02:42Oh, thank you.
00:02:45It's a pleasure having you on the committee again.
00:02:47The pleasure is mine, Jerome.
00:02:50I'm sure I don't have to remind you of the importance of our being here.
00:02:53We must go over thoroughly each and every file submitted by our investigators.
00:02:58Then, when we have cast our ballots,
00:03:00the world will soon know the winners of the World Sex Award.
00:03:05Hear, hear.
00:03:08And now, if we're ready to begin.
00:03:21We have ten areas for our consideration.
00:03:24Preliminary approach.
00:03:26Truth.
00:03:28Consistency.
00:03:29Emotion.
00:03:31Appearance.
00:03:33Timing.
00:03:35Preplay, as opposed to foreplay.
00:03:39Pace.
00:03:41Commitment.
00:03:42And overall performance.
00:03:47Observe the following representative scenes very closely.
00:03:51The dignity of the World Sex Awards depend on your judgment.
00:03:55Help!
00:03:56Oh, honey, come here!
00:04:00I just don't believe it.
00:04:01That Nurse Owens has got to be the most incompetent nurse I've ever seen.
00:04:06Just look how she screwed up these reports.
00:04:09How in the hell did she ever get to be a nurse?
00:04:11Simple.
00:04:12Her father is Chief of Staff of Surgery at the hospital here.
00:04:26Damn it, Nurse Owens!
00:04:28I told you to prick his boil!
00:04:35Help!
00:04:44Three, please.
00:04:47Ballroom, please.
00:04:48Sorry.
00:04:49Didn't realize I was crowding you.
00:04:52Dolores, now that we're married, I think it's time to get to know each other directly and without shame.
00:04:58Now, do you know what this is?
00:05:02Well, that's a wee-wee.
00:05:04No, no, my dear sweet Dolores.
00:05:07That is not a wee-wee.
00:05:08From now on, we shall call this a prick.
00:05:11Oh, come on, Arnold.
00:05:13I've seen lots of pricks, and that is definitely a wee-wee.
00:05:28What the hell do you think you're doing?
00:05:32I'm sleeping on the couch.
00:05:34Are you kidding?
00:05:36This is our wedding night, and there's certain duties that a husband must perform.
00:05:40Oh, no, not me.
00:05:42My mother told me that you women have teeth down there,
00:05:46so I'm sleeping on the couch to avoid pain and injury.
00:05:49Teeth?
00:05:50Well, that's the most ridiculous and asinine thing I ever heard.
00:05:54Well, that's the most ridiculous and asinine thing I ever heard.
00:05:57Now, you listen to me.
00:05:59I've been waiting 27 years for this night, and I'm not going to let you spoil it.
00:06:03So you get in that bedroom right now.
00:06:05You've got work to do.
00:06:06Oh, no, I'm not.
00:06:08I know you've got teeth down there,
00:06:10and you're not going to convince me otherwise, so there.
00:06:13Okay, sir.
00:06:39What is it, my son? Tell me.
00:06:43Here, my son.
00:06:46Write down your last words for your beloved wife.
00:06:51Go ahead.
00:06:52Write them for her.
00:06:54She's hurrying here now, but I'm afraid...
00:06:58I'll make sure that she gets it.
00:07:17Oh, no, father, is he?
00:07:19Yes, my child.
00:07:20He's at peace now.
00:07:22But his last thoughts were of you.
00:07:25Here, my daughter.
00:07:43Get your fucking foot off the oxygen hose.
00:07:47Please.
00:07:51And so, ladies and gentlemen,
00:07:53I hope that here, in this sex clinic, ladies and gentlemen,
00:07:57you will learn the solution to your particular problem.
00:08:01Now, you should feel free to ask any question on any subject,
00:08:05whether it concerns impetus or penis envy complex
00:08:10or nymphomania or fallatio compulsion
00:08:14or any of those good things.
00:08:16Doctor, I really have a problem.
00:08:19For me, sex is just a pain in the ass.
00:08:22And you, sir?
00:08:24You talk to your wife while you're having sex?
00:08:26Yes, if I happen to be near the phone.
00:08:33Tomorrow's your birthday, my sweet,
00:08:36and I don't know what to get you.
00:08:39You've got everything, of course.
00:08:41Well, surely there must be something...
00:08:43By Jove, I think I've got it.
00:08:45I'll get you a monkey.
00:08:47A monkey?
00:08:49What on earth am I going to do with a monkey?
00:08:51Well, you don't own one, do you?
00:08:53No, I don't.
00:08:54But where will the poor beast eat?
00:08:56Why, in the dining room with us, of course.
00:08:59What about its quarters?
00:09:01Where will the beast sleep?
00:09:02Why, in the bed.
00:09:04It can sleep with us.
00:09:05Really?
00:09:06In the same bed?
00:09:08Think of that terrible, obnoxious odor.
00:09:12The stench.
00:09:13The smell will be awful.
00:09:15I got used to it.
00:09:17And a monkey will get used to it.
00:09:23How can you tell him that your best man
00:09:25went and slammed your schlong in a door?
00:09:30And then I had to go to a hospital,
00:09:33put the thing in a sling.
00:09:35Oh, it was...
00:09:36Oh, Tuck.
00:09:38No, how can I tell her?
00:09:39She's waited her whole life for this night.
00:09:44All right, thanks. Thanks, Tuck.
00:09:45Bye-bye.
00:10:00Stop, please, mister.
00:10:02Please, stop.
00:10:07Yes, ma'am, can I help you?
00:10:08Yes.
00:10:09There's something you could do for me.
00:10:13Now, wait a minute.
00:10:14Now, don't get excited with that thing.
00:10:16I'll give you all my money.
00:10:18Don't want your money, sonny.
00:10:20Well, what is it you do want?
00:10:22I'll do anything you say.
00:10:23Just don't shoot.
00:10:25I want you to jack off.
00:10:28Jack off?
00:10:30In the middle of Interstate 39?
00:10:32Got it right, sport.
00:10:35Now, get going.
00:10:43Okay, lady.
00:10:44I hope you're satisfied.
00:10:46Can I get out of here now?
00:10:49Nope, sonny.
00:10:51Beat it again.
00:10:52Oh, lady, have a heart.
00:10:55Oh, okay, you're the boss.
00:11:01What's that again, buster?
00:11:03I'll blow your brains out.
00:11:07Sonny, that was a pretty good one.
00:11:10Now, let's whip it again.
00:11:14Lady, I don't care if you shoot me.
00:11:19I don't care if you kill me.
00:11:22I couldn't raise another heart on no matter what you do.
00:11:26That's just what I wanted to hear.
00:11:30You can come out now, Mary Lou.
00:11:33This nice man's gonna give you a ride to Fresno.
00:12:20You know, I've noticed you in here before, and I really think you're beautiful.
00:12:25You know, I've been noticing you quite a bit.
00:12:28I was just wondering if maybe you'd like to come home and meet my parents.
00:12:32How dare you!
00:12:35You thief!
00:12:52Acting weird again. Jumpy and twitchy.
00:12:55Nervous all the time. Real mental case.
00:12:57It sounds like she just needs a rest.
00:12:59Are you gonna send her to Palm Springs this year?
00:13:01No. I think I'll just fuck her myself.
00:13:10Yes, brothers and sisters, I have sinned!
00:13:14I have lain in the arms of many men!
00:13:19I've drunk gin!
00:13:21I've smoked!
00:13:24Night after night I've caroused and gambled my youth and future happiness!
00:13:31Entire weekends I would spend at drunken orgies and wild parties!
00:13:37But I've changed!
00:13:40Look at me now!
00:13:42Converted!
00:13:47Now you see how I spend my weekends.
00:13:51I spend my weekends standing on this corner...
00:13:56Just beating this motherfucking drum!
00:14:03All right, now let's greet our next contestant on the amateur hour.
00:14:07From Hanna, Missouri.
00:14:09Mr. Lionel Schlemmer.
00:14:16Welcome to the show, Lionel.
00:14:18Thank you. Thank you very much, Mr...
00:14:21Tack. Mr. Tack.
00:14:23You're just a little nervous, aren't you, Lionel?
00:14:26Well, tell me, Lionel, what do you plan to do with the prize money
00:14:30if you happen to win our talent contest tonight?
00:14:32Well, I plan to use it to have a hernia operation.
00:14:34A hernia operation!
00:14:37All right, now, Lionel, you just take your place, okay?
00:14:40And we'll be with you in just a moment, okay?
00:14:45Now, ladies and gentlemen, stepping into the amateur hour spotlight
00:14:49from Hanna, Missouri, Mr. Lionel Schlemmer,
00:14:52singing and dancing to Dixie.
00:14:59I wish I was in a weirdo's castle...
00:15:29Boy, 25 years in prison, that's a long time.
00:15:32I'll bet you it was rough on you.
00:15:34Yeah, it taught me a lesson.
00:15:37Believe me, I'm never going back to that hellhole again.
00:15:40I don't blame you.
00:15:43Hey, what the hell's your problem, man?
00:15:46I mean, since I walked in this place, you've been eyeballing me.
00:15:48Like, what's your problem?
00:15:50I'm sorry.
00:15:52I didn't mean to stare at you like that.
00:15:54You see, I just got out of prison.
00:15:56I did 25 years for raping a buffalo.
00:15:59I thought for a minute there, you might be my son.
00:16:06You know, being married to Harry is really rough on a girl.
00:16:10If his penis was a half an inch longer, I couldn't stand it.
00:16:15Me neither.
00:16:18Hey, Patrick, I haven't seen you in a long time.
00:16:20Yeah, I'll wait. Let me have a beer, will you?
00:16:22Hey, listen, uh, how's the wife?
00:16:24Oh, you didn't hear? She died last week.
00:16:26Gonorrhea. Strangled to death.
00:16:29Gee, that's too bad.
00:16:31Hey, wait a minute. People don't strangle to death when they have gonorrhea.
00:16:34Well, they do when they give it to me.
00:16:38Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
00:16:40This is Hilton Bank, your WWAMC.
00:16:43I'd like to welcome you this afternoon to Wide World of Athletics.
00:16:47This afternoon, we have the privilege of interviewing
00:16:50the lovely wife of all-star pro golfer Mike Birdie.
00:16:54How are you today, Mrs. Birdie?
00:16:56I'm fine, Hilton.
00:16:58It's a great and sacred pleasure to be on your show.
00:17:02Well, thank you, Mrs. Birdie.
00:17:04Uh, let me ask you a question.
00:17:06Before a big tournament,
00:17:08is there some special thing that you do for your husband?
00:17:11Oh, I usually rub his balls.
00:17:15Uh, how, uh...
00:17:17How, uh, does this seem to help?
00:17:20Oh, it straightens out his putts.
00:17:24Three children, and you've been married six and a half years. Is that correct?
00:17:27That's right, doctor.
00:17:30Do you ever use Vaseline for sexual purposes?
00:17:33Oh, very often. Doesn't everyone?
00:17:35They? Good.
00:17:37And, uh, where do you apply it?
00:17:39Where do you apply it?
00:17:40On the bedroom doorknob, of course.
00:17:43The bedroom doorknob? Why there?
00:17:46It keeps the kids from coming into the room while we're screwing.
00:17:51And you, sir?
00:17:53Do you cheat on your wife?
00:17:55Who else?
00:17:57Doctor, my husband thinks I'm frigid
00:18:00just because I detest sex.
00:18:03Isn't that ridiculous?
00:18:04See what I mean?
00:18:06This broad's driving me nuts.
00:18:08What do you mean I'm driving you nuts?
00:18:10Why, you're the most despicable bastard!
00:18:12Please, let's not have any arguments.
00:18:14We're only here to help.
00:18:16Sorry, doc.
00:18:17All right, now, let's get on with this.
00:18:19How many children do you have?
00:18:21We have three children.
00:18:22All by rape!
00:18:24Why don't you go fuck yourself?
00:18:2678!
00:18:38Kid, you're sensational.
00:18:41Baby, Lou Lassinger, talent agent.
00:18:44That's the greatest melody I've ever heard.
00:18:46Thank you. It's an original.
00:18:48I write all my own tunes.
00:18:49You write all your own stuff?
00:18:50Just what I'm looking for.
00:18:51With songs like that, I can get you booked at the Palace.
00:18:54Who's your publisher?
00:18:55I don't have any.
00:18:56Publishers want nothing to do with me.
00:18:58You're putting me on, kid.
00:18:59You're talking to Lou Baby now, huh?
00:19:01Your songs are great.
00:19:02You could sell millions.
00:19:03Why won't the publishers talk to you?
00:19:04I don't know.
00:19:05They say it's my titles.
00:19:07But what's the name of the song you're playing now?
00:19:09Well, this happens to be one of my favorites.
00:19:12It's called,
00:19:13I Love You So Fucking Much I Could Shit.
00:19:19Peaches! Pears! Peaches! Pears! Peaches! Pears!
00:19:29Hey, Sadler.
00:19:30Have you got a minute?
00:19:32Come on, I want to talk to you.
00:19:38I'd like to buy some peaches.
00:19:40Oh, sure, lady.
00:19:41I've got plenty of nice, fresh peaches.
00:19:44But tell me, are they nice and big like these?
00:19:47Yes.
00:19:49And are they nice and...
00:19:57And don't come back till your mother gives you some money, degenerate.
00:20:01Oh.
00:20:02And don't come back till your mother gives you some money, degenerate.
00:20:06Oh.
00:20:09Bill! Bill! Bill!
00:20:17I haven't seen a ceiling since last winter.
00:20:24It's been so long, I can't remember when.
00:20:30If business doesn't pick up very shortly,
00:20:38I'm afraid we'll all be virgins once again.
00:20:44Oh, God forbid!
00:20:49Now it's time we must examine all our methods.
00:20:54Now it's time we must adapt to something new.
00:21:02In order to get back our former patrons,
00:21:07it's obvious there's one thing we must do.
00:21:24We've got to get back on our backs.
00:21:27We've got to get out of this mess.
00:21:30Instead of enjoyment, we face unemployment.
00:21:33We've got to get back into bed.
00:21:35We've got to get back on our backs
00:21:37and get those men on the streets.
00:21:40On Fort Blanchard Diner, we don't need co-signers.
00:21:43We've got to get back in the sheets.
00:21:45We've got to get back on our backs.
00:21:47Our beauty is dying to wilt.
00:21:50We can be passionate if there's any cash in it.
00:21:53We've got to get back in the quilt.
00:21:59My creditors are tired of all my begging.
00:22:06My girls are ready for the auction block.
00:22:13The welfare office turns me down each Wednesday.
00:22:21Last week, I put my diagram in the lock.
00:22:37We've got to get back on our backs
00:22:39and get all the business we lost.
00:22:42We're sad and forlorn because we're so horny.
00:22:45We've got to get back in the sack.
00:22:47We've got to get back on our backs
00:22:49and strike while the iron is hot.
00:22:52Come on, you big chippers.
00:22:54I zip those zippers.
00:22:55We've got to get back in the cot.
00:22:57We've got to get back on our backs.
00:23:00We're not here to strengthen our minds.
00:23:02If you're looking for virginity,
00:23:04you're in the wrong vicinity.
00:23:05We've got to get on our behinds.
00:23:10So in order to solve all our problems,
00:23:17a franchise that we knew would be just right,
00:23:25we started our own takeout service.
00:23:33And we called it, yes,
00:23:37Quickie Delight.
00:23:45Quickie Delight, Quickie Delight,
00:23:48focus if you're looking for sex tonight.
00:23:50Give us a ring, promise to bring
00:23:52all the love you want
00:23:54and your la bella will sway.
00:24:04Good evening, Quickie Delight.
00:24:06Yes, sir, two blondes and a redhead
00:24:08coming right up.
00:24:13Good evening, Quickie Delight.
00:24:15No, sir, it doesn't matter how far away you live.
00:24:19It'll be hot when it gets there.
00:24:24Good evening, Quickie Delight.
00:24:26Yes, sir.
00:24:28Oh, is this to go or will you eat it here?
00:24:32Now no more credit are we gonna extend.
00:24:38Pay later has come to an end.
00:24:42All you chicks, if they want their kicks,
00:24:47money has to be our only friend.
00:24:51We're gonna get lots of new jobs
00:24:54and turn them all on
00:24:57and make ourselves some friends.
00:25:01In God we trust, all others pay cash.
00:25:07Let's get back in that bed.
00:25:10Get back in that bed.
00:25:12Get back in that bed.
00:25:15Nothing but ceiling.
00:25:17You know you belong in bed.
00:25:34Well, things are looking up for those lovely young ladies.
00:25:38With this inflation, I don't know how they'll make ends meet.
00:25:42Virtue is its own reward.
00:25:44Virtue?
00:25:46Malcolm, look at this next one. It's up your alley.
00:25:49Up yours.
00:26:00Gee, you're a little dry tonight.
00:26:02Well, move up a little, schmuck. You're eating the sheet.
00:26:17You know, this wife-swapping business wasn't such a bad idea.
00:26:22I only hope our wives are hitting it off this well.
00:26:26Welcome to that famous TV show,
00:26:29the show that loves to give away money,
00:26:32TV Jackpot!
00:26:35Thank you, thank you.
00:26:38All right, now let's meet our next contestant.
00:26:41From Wedlock, Oklahoma,
00:26:44Miss Marion Cleavage!
00:26:49Welcome. Welcome to the show, Marion.
00:26:51Thank you, thank you.
00:26:52You don't mind if I call you Marion, do you?
00:26:53Oh, no, not at all.
00:26:54Cleavage sounds so formal, I think.
00:26:56Yeah, yeah.
00:26:57That's a very interesting town you come from.
00:26:59Tell me, were you born in Wedlock?
00:27:00Oh, no, I was born outside of Wedlock.
00:27:05Oh, that's very good, Marion.
00:27:06You know how to play the game, don't you?
00:27:08Oh, yeah.
00:27:09All right, well then let's play TV Jackpot!
00:27:12Okay, for $50, Marion,
00:27:14who was the first man?
00:27:17Um, uh, Adam?
00:27:20Right, for $50!
00:27:22All right!
00:27:24Okay, now, if you had $50,
00:27:26do you want to keep that,
00:27:27or do you want to try and double up?
00:27:29No, no, no, no.
00:27:33She wants to go, ladies and gentlemen.
00:27:35She wants to double up.
00:27:36All right.
00:27:37All right, for $100,
00:27:39who was the first woman?
00:27:42Um, Eve?
00:27:44Right, for $100!
00:27:46All right, Marion, you're doing good.
00:27:49Okay, now, you have $100.
00:27:52Do you want to quit,
00:27:53or do you want to double up?
00:27:54Go, Marion.
00:27:55All right, if you answer incorrectly,
00:27:58you lose everything you have so far.
00:28:02I'll go.
00:28:03You want to go, ladies and gentlemen.
00:28:04She wants to double up.
00:28:05Congratulations.
00:28:06Lovely, Marion.
00:28:07Okay, now, for $200.
00:28:10Listen carefully.
00:28:11What were Eve's first words to Adam?
00:28:15Oh, gosh.
00:28:17That's a hard one.
00:28:19Right, for $200!
00:28:37Will the lady who just boarded the bus
00:28:39please step forward?
00:28:49Will the lady who's reading the Bible
00:28:51with the flowers on her hat
00:28:52and the white blouse
00:28:53please step forward?
00:28:54You forgot to pay your fare.
00:28:56Lady, pardon me,
00:28:57but I think he's talking to you.
00:29:02Fuck him.
00:29:07Is he drafting here?
00:29:10Uh-uh.
00:29:11Why?
00:29:12I think I'm getting a chess call.
00:29:21Yeah.
00:29:25Jordan?
00:29:26Do you like cigarettes?
00:29:27No, sir.
00:29:28No, sir.
00:29:29Well, give me a light, then.
00:29:30Yes, sir.
00:29:31Yes, sir.
00:29:32Well, give me a light, then.
00:29:33Yes, sir.
00:29:34Yes, sir.
00:29:35Thank you, Jordan.
00:29:37That's fine.
00:29:38I'll just light it myself.
00:29:39You know, Jordan,
00:29:41I made my way up on my own.
00:29:43My old daddy never gave me nothing.
00:29:45But I fought my way through everything
00:29:47and I made my way to the top.
00:29:49Yes, sir, you did.
00:29:50It's gonna be different with my daughter, Jordan.
00:29:52You know, she's my darling, my angel,
00:29:54my apple of my eye.
00:29:56She's gonna have the finest,
00:29:57and I mean the finest,
00:29:58including college.
00:29:59College?
00:30:00What college you gonna send her to, boss?
00:30:02Oh, a good old Georgia Tech.
00:30:04That's what college, boy.
00:30:06Georgia Tech?
00:30:07You must be kidding.
00:30:08Huh?
00:30:09No one goes there but football players and whores.
00:30:11Jordan, now have you know
00:30:13that my dear wife went to Georgia Tech?
00:30:16Oh, really?
00:30:17What position did she play?
00:30:21Hey, bartender.
00:30:24This guy's playing with himself.
00:30:26Oh, just ignore him.
00:30:28I can't.
00:30:29He's using my hand.
00:30:38Oh, man.
00:30:41The fight I went on last night.
00:30:45I went to a wild party and I got so smashed
00:30:48I left my wallet in the bathroom.
00:30:51Think you're gonna go back and look for it?
00:30:53Oh, I'd like to, but I was so drunk
00:30:55I can't remember where the house was.
00:30:58Oh, come on.
00:30:59You've got some important IDs in there
00:31:01and some credit cards.
00:31:02You gotta remember something.
00:31:03Think.
00:31:05Let's see.
00:31:07There was a house in the neighborhood.
00:31:10Had a green door with bullhorns on it.
00:31:15And there were red drapes in the living room.
00:31:21Oh, yeah.
00:31:23And the bathroom was the wildest thing you ever saw.
00:31:27A gold metal toilet.
00:31:30Look, that's not gonna be too hard to find.
00:31:32Green door with bullhorns and a gold metal toilet.
00:31:35Come on, hurry up and get dressed and I'll help you find it.
00:31:50What the hell do you want?
00:31:53Come on, go ahead, ask her.
00:31:57Did you have a party here last night?
00:31:59Yeah, we did.
00:32:01What's it to you?
00:32:05Do you have a red drape in your living room?
00:32:07Yeah, we do.
00:32:09So what?
00:32:12This might be a strange question to ask,
00:32:14but do you have a gold metal toilet?
00:32:21Hey, Harry!
00:32:23I just found the idiot that clapped in your tuba!
00:32:27What?
00:32:37First case, Annabelle Carson.
00:32:40Accused of prostitution.
00:32:43Your Honor, this is a disgrace.
00:32:45Why, my mother would turn over in her grave
00:32:47if she could see her poor, innocent baby
00:32:49being accused of prostitution.
00:32:53Young lady,
00:32:54you have seven prior convictions of prostitution,
00:32:58and that's just in the last three years.
00:33:01I'm sorry, Your Honor.
00:33:03I'm sorry.
00:33:04I'm sorry.
00:33:05I'm sorry.
00:33:06I'm sorry.
00:33:07I'm sorry.
00:33:08I'm sorry.
00:33:09I'm sorry.
00:33:10And that's just in the last three months.
00:33:13Thirty days.
00:33:14Bailiff, take her away.
00:33:22Next case, Darlene Dorsey.
00:33:24Accused of prostitution.
00:33:26What kind of a world are we living in anyway?
00:33:28Can't a girl ask a sailor for a cigarette
00:33:30without the police thinking she's a hooker?
00:33:32I've never been so embarrassed or humiliated in all my life.
00:33:37Miss Dorsey,
00:33:39you've had 15 convictions in the last two months.
00:33:42Oh, but Your Honor, it's a mistake.
00:33:44I'm the victim of...
00:33:46Sixty days.
00:33:47Bailiff, take her away.
00:33:54Next case, Marjorie Pittant.
00:33:57Accused of prostitution.
00:34:06Your Honor,
00:34:10I am a whore.
00:34:13I know it's a lousy thing to say,
00:34:15but it's the only way I know to make a living.
00:34:19Do with me as you want.
00:34:22My life is worthless.
00:34:24I have no reason to go on living.
00:34:28My dear,
00:34:29in the 20 years I've sat on this bench,
00:34:33you're the first honest woman to come before me.
00:34:37And your honesty shall not go unrewarded.
00:34:41Case dismissed.
00:34:43Bailiff,
00:34:44have a check made out for $500 from the policeman's welfare fund
00:34:49and give it to this young lady.
00:34:52Miss Pittant,
00:34:53we hope that this money can start you on a new life.
00:35:00Next case, Morris Goldberg.
00:35:03Accused of selling fruit without a license.
00:35:07♪♪
00:35:30Your Honor,
00:35:31what's the use of trying to lie to a learned man like yourself?
00:35:38I, too, am a whore.
00:35:40♪♪
00:35:44Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
00:35:46This is Hilton Bank, your W.W.A. announcer.
00:35:50This afternoon,
00:35:51we are interviewing former Ace Air Force pilot
00:35:55during the Second World War with the R.A.F.,
00:35:58Mr. Sven Schwentzen.
00:36:01Now tell me, Mr. Schwentzen,
00:36:03during your experiences in the Second World War,
00:36:06with the R.A.F.,
00:36:07what was the most frightening experience that you had?
00:36:12Well,
00:36:14well,
00:36:15I was flying over Germany
00:36:17all by myself.
00:36:19Then all of a sudden, to my right,
00:36:21there was this German Fokker.
00:36:23And then to my left was another German Fokker.
00:36:25And then I was completely surrounded by all these German Fokkers.
00:36:29Um,
00:36:30let me explain to our viewing audience
00:36:33that the German Fokker,
00:36:35spelt F-O-K-K-E-R,
00:36:38was a German plane
00:36:39flown during the Second World War by the Luftwaffe.
00:36:42Now, isn't that correct, Mr. Schwentzen?
00:36:44Yeah, yeah,
00:36:45but these Fokkers were Major Schmitz.
00:36:47♪♪
00:36:49Uh, let's go back to our main studio now.
00:36:52♪♪
00:37:02Okay, Mac, what'll it be?
00:37:04Oh, dear me, um,
00:37:05I'd like a glass of milk.
00:37:16Oh, how sweet.
00:37:17Thank you very much.
00:37:24My, that was delicious.
00:37:26Could I trouble you for another glass of fresh dairy?
00:37:32♪♪
00:37:37Say, listen,
00:37:38there aren't many people in here.
00:37:40Uh, where is everybody?
00:37:42Why don't you guys out back lynching some queer?
00:37:49No shit.
00:37:51♪♪
00:38:00Man, things are really tough.
00:38:02On top of everything else,
00:38:03my wife's cut me down to once a week now.
00:38:05Oh, man, that's too bad.
00:38:07I think it could be worse.
00:38:08What do you mean?
00:38:10I know two guys she cut off altogether.
00:38:16Hey, Lou,
00:38:17I saw some guy trying to screw your wife the other night.
00:38:20Did he succeed?
00:38:21No.
00:38:22Then it wasn't my wife.
00:38:26Two vodka martys.
00:38:28Say, honey,
00:38:30I sure would love to get into your pants.
00:38:34Sorry, baby,
00:38:35one asshole in there is enough.
00:38:37♪♪
00:38:40I'm as amazed as you are, Mrs. Colfax,
00:38:42but I sent these tests to the lab four times,
00:38:45and each time they come back positive.
00:38:47Pregnant.
00:38:49Are you sure?
00:38:51Well, I'm 79,
00:38:53and Morris, my husband, is 84 years old.
00:38:57I'm sorry,
00:38:58but there can be no doubt about it.
00:39:00You're pregnant.
00:39:02Who's that lousy bastard?
00:39:06That no-good son of a bitch?
00:39:09Oh, wait like him.
00:39:11I'll kill him.
00:39:17Hello?
00:39:21Morris?
00:39:24You lousy sex maniac!
00:39:28You know you got me pregnant,
00:39:30you son of a bitch, you!
00:39:32Who is this?
00:39:38And then you can imagine my embarrassment, doctor,
00:39:41when on the night of our 25th anniversary,
00:39:43my husband told me I was really big down there.
00:39:47My goodness, what a large vagina.
00:39:49My goodness, what a large vagina.
00:39:52Well, that may be true, doctor,
00:39:54but you didn't have to say it twice.
00:39:57I didn't?
00:40:01Well, you're in excellent shape, Mr. Goldberg,
00:40:04and I have some very good news for you.
00:40:06Huh?
00:40:07I was just talking to the lab.
00:40:08It's definite.
00:40:09You do not have ED.
00:40:11Oh, thank God.
00:40:12I was so worried.
00:40:13I mean, what does it look like,
00:40:15a man 74 with a social disease?
00:40:19Tell me, doc,
00:40:21I still have a drip down there.
00:40:24If it's not VD, what is it?
00:40:27Well, let me ask you a question.
00:40:29When were you last with a woman?
00:40:31Well, I'm still pretty active, you know,
00:40:33for a man my age.
00:40:34Yes, yes, yes, I'm sure.
00:40:36But when were you last with a woman?
00:40:38About six weeks ago.
00:40:40Well, you better get right back to her.
00:40:42You're just now coming.
00:40:46Let's see now.
00:40:52Can't a guy get a breather around here?
00:40:55Jesus Christ, come on in already.
00:40:57Come in.
00:40:59Hi, Mr. Lastfinger.
00:41:01Could I talk to you for a minute?
00:41:03Kid, everybody wants to talk to me.
00:41:05I really can't be bothered.
00:41:06Can't you see I'm busy, huh?
00:41:07The accountants are coming first thing in the morning.
00:41:09I got to get these books doctored up.
00:41:11Feed it, will you?
00:41:12Wait a minute.
00:41:13I want to break into show business.
00:41:15All right, sit down, kid, huh?
00:41:22Look, everybody wants the business.
00:41:24They all want it.
00:41:25The lights, the glamour, the roar of the crowd.
00:41:27Look, kid, show business is a jungle.
00:41:29It's a jungle out there.
00:41:30They'll tear you apart.
00:41:31I'm going to stay right here until I get to show you my act.
00:41:34You want to show me the act?
00:41:36Okay, show it to me.
00:41:37Don't take up too much of my time.
00:41:38Just show it to me, then get out.
00:41:52Wow.
00:41:54Kid, that sound's coming where I think it's coming from.
00:41:58This is the greatest new act I've ever seen in my entire life.
00:42:01It'll make you, us, a fortune.
00:42:04Stay right where you are.
00:42:05Don't move a muscle.
00:42:10This is Lou Lastfinger.
00:42:12Get me the head of the Morris Agency and hurry.
00:42:15Yeah, hello.
00:42:16Joe, Lou Lastfinger.
00:42:18I hate to wake up at this time, but you're just not going to believe it.
00:42:20I found the greatest new act in show business.
00:42:22It'll make millions.
00:42:23It's a class act.
00:42:24I can't believe it.
00:42:25It's coast-to-coast television.
00:42:27Performances in England, London.
00:42:29It's unbelievable.
00:42:30All over the world.
00:42:31Well, well, it sounds good.
00:42:34Well, I've got to go.
00:42:35I've got to go.
00:42:36I've got to go.
00:42:37I've got to go.
00:42:38I've got to go.
00:42:39I've got to go.
00:42:40I've got to go.
00:42:41I've got to go.
00:42:42I've got to go.
00:42:43Well, it sounds great.
00:42:44What is it?
00:42:46Well, it's hard to explain to you.
00:42:47You'll have to hear it.
00:42:49Come on over, kid.
00:42:50This could be your big chance.
00:42:53Just give me about eight bars, baby.
00:43:08Joe, how'd you like it?
00:43:09Great, wasn't it?
00:43:11Why, you dumb son-of-a-bitch!
00:43:14You mean you wake me up in the middle of the morning
00:43:16just to hear some asshole play Swanee River?
00:43:30Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
00:43:32and welcome to the Labedo Theatre,
00:43:35where tonight, Omar the Magnificent,
00:43:37one of the world's great lovers,
00:43:39will fuck 100 girls consecutively
00:43:42for your smoothing enjoyment.
00:43:47Hey, listen to that crowd.
00:43:48Just listen to them, kid.
00:43:49This is the big time,
00:43:50and it's all for you, Omar, baby.
00:43:52You realize there's 5,000 screaming women out there
00:43:54to pay 10 bucks a piece?
00:43:56You know how much money that is, kid?
00:43:5750,000 clams, and it all belongs to you and me.
00:44:00I told you I'd put you on top, kid.
00:44:02You know what I mean?
00:44:03Just remember, watch your timing.
00:44:05Don't knock yourself out during the preliminary.
00:44:07It's in, out, and ADL.
00:44:09Short, quick, stroke.
00:44:11You got it, baby?
00:44:12Good.
00:44:13Well, fuck fans,
00:44:14this is the evening we've all waited for.
00:44:17The judges are carefully going over tonight's ground rules
00:44:20as the officials arrive onto our stage.
00:44:23At that side, the referee...
00:44:27All right, everybody, get out of here.
00:44:28Come on, move it.
00:44:38Come on, kid, come on.
00:44:39Who am I kidding?
00:44:40What's my name, kid?
00:44:41What's my name?
00:44:43What happened?
00:44:45What happened?
00:44:46What do you mean, what happened?
00:44:47You big, dumb faggot,
00:44:48you passed out dead away.
00:44:49That's what happened.
00:44:50You blew 50,000 bucks, you creep.
00:44:52Those dames out there paid 10 bucks a pop
00:44:54to watch you blow 100 bloods,
00:44:56and what do you do?
00:44:57You screw 64 of them,
00:44:58and then you pass out.
00:44:59What the hell's wrong with you?
00:45:02I don't understand how this could have happened.
00:45:05I did all right this afternoon in rehearsal.
00:45:13Thank you, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
00:45:16Your applause is deeply appreciated.
00:45:18Now, as you know,
00:45:19any ventriloquist can make a dummy talk,
00:45:21but believe it or not,
00:45:22the star of this here county fair, me,
00:45:24will make these animals talk on my next show.
00:45:27One by one, believe it or not,
00:45:28these animals will talk.
00:45:30So you all come back in half an hour for the next show,
00:45:32and I promise you
00:45:33that you will hear these animals say things
00:45:35that you only want to hear them say.
00:45:37So you all come back now
00:45:38and have a good time around the fair.
00:45:40Thank you, thank you very much.
00:45:49Say, Mr. Ventriloquist.
00:45:51Yes, my good man, what can I do for you?
00:45:55Can you really make all them animals talk?
00:45:58Absolutely and most definitely.
00:46:01If that sheep on the end say anything about me,
00:46:04it's a damn lie.
00:46:14Honey, I was at the doctor today,
00:46:16and he said I had a beautiful body.
00:46:19Yeah?
00:46:20Well, did he say anything about your fat ass?
00:46:23No.
00:46:24Your name was never mentioned.
00:46:27Darling, look what I got you for your birthday.
00:46:35Okay, where is he?
00:46:46Please, I haven't finished voting yet.
00:46:57Cleanliness is next to godliness.
00:47:03William Shakespeare.
00:47:06Fuck you, Lenny Bruce.
00:47:11Hey, Joe.
00:47:12You like the women with the big breasts, huh?
00:47:15Yeah.
00:47:16You like the women with the big ass, huh?
00:47:19Yeah.
00:47:20You like the women with the big openess?
00:47:22Yeah.
00:47:24Then how come you've been screwing my wife?
00:47:38You ready?
00:47:39Don't have much time.
00:47:41Got a big party coming here in 15 minutes,
00:47:43and my wife's gonna be here at 3.30.
00:47:45For god's sake, hurry up.
00:47:48No, we haven't, Pops.
00:47:50Well, if you do, you might as well bang her,
00:47:52because she's all paid for.
00:47:55SIX WEEKS LATER
00:47:57I'm terribly sorry, old man, but I shall insist that you back up.
00:48:25You see, you see, the occupant of this limousine is none other than Lady Epworth Tarkington
00:48:29Price, the Duchess of Kenworth, sister to the Baroness de Marco, a member of Her Royal
00:48:35Majesty the Queen's First Privy Council, third cousin to Sir Archibald Farnsworth,
00:48:40the Duke of Tuscany, and sixth in succession to the crown of Edward IV.
00:48:45What do you think I have in here, a bag of shit?
00:48:57Peaches! Pears! Peaches! Pears!
00:49:04Hey, Mr. Peddler, come up here a minute. I've got some business I want to discuss with you.
00:49:11I've been watching you push your cart down the street, and I must say, you arouse a desire
00:49:23in me. I tell you what, if you could take me into the bedroom and sexually satisfy me,
00:49:31I'll give you this brand new five dollar bill. What do you say?
00:49:36Why not? Business is business.
00:49:53Peaches! Pears! Forking! Peaches! Pears! Forking!
00:50:04Hey cats and kitties, it's Big Al. That's right, Big Al right here on Groovy Radio,
00:50:08KCOK, on Far Out Channel 69. And right now, let's get it on with that new superstar dynamite
00:50:14Hebrew band, the Four Skins. Rock and roll!
00:50:19I don't know about you, but I'm getting tired of waiting around for Big Al. That creep will
00:50:24never show. Oh, Big Al, a creep! He's my most favorite
00:50:29disc jockey in the whole world. I love Big Al, and I'll wait here for him forever.
00:50:34Well, not me. I'm leaving. Call me tomorrow.
00:50:47Oh! Big Al! Big Al! I love you, Big Al. I love you. You're my most favorite DJ in the
00:50:57whole world. I love you, Big Al. I love you. Of course you do, sweetheart. I listen to
00:51:03your show every day. I've never missed it. Oh, Big Al, I love you. I love you. That's
00:51:09right, darling. I'll do anything in the world for you, Big Al. Anything. Of course you will.
00:51:15Anything? Anything. Anything, Big Al. You name it.
00:51:19I just can't believe that I'm really here. I can't believe that I'm really sitting next
00:51:29to Big Al. You want to make Big Al happy, don't you, dear? Oh, yes, Big Al. Anything.
00:51:35Anything. Now, you know what to do with this, don't you, dear? Oh, you bet I do, Big Al.
00:51:49Hi! My name's Cindy, and I'd like to dedicate this next record to all my friends down at
00:51:54Clifford Mall Shop, and Jamie and Susie and my boyfriend John.
00:52:04And now, ladies and gentlemen, the star of tonight's show, Mr. Pat McCormick.
00:52:11On behalf of the World Society of Sexual Arts and Science, I would like to welcome you on
00:52:23this momentous occasion. As you know, these coveted awards are presented in recognition
00:52:29of those outstanding individuals who throughout the past year have brought honor, dignity,
00:52:35and respectability to the wonderful world of sex.
00:52:43Just before this night is over, each one of these gold dildos will rest in the hands of
00:52:51those few deserving people who were carefully selected by our distinguished board of judges.
00:52:59Thank you. Now, the Watergate security systems have tabulated the ballots and sealed the
00:53:07results in special envelopes, and here to represent that firm tonight is Mr. Lionel Travis.
00:53:15The first award of the evening is probably one of the most important and sought-after
00:53:29honors of the night, mainly because of the high standards required in the areas of stamina,
00:53:36enthusiasm, courage, and, of course, attitude. The nominees for Best Lay of the Year are
00:53:48Faith Carruthers, Tucson, Arizona, Margaret Miller, 29 pounds, Irene Randall, Baton Rouge,
00:54:00Louisiana, Helen Duvall, Skokie, Illinois, Sheila Kramer, Racine, Wisconsin. The envelope, please.
00:54:14And the winner is Irene Randall.
00:54:31Oh, thank you. Thank you, everybody, so much. This is the happiest night of my whole life.
00:54:39I mean, it's so hard to believe that I'm even here at all tonight. Two years ago, after my accident,
00:54:46they said I'd never fuck again, but with the help of so many generous and wonderful people, I was
00:54:54able to get back on my back. I'd like to thank them, my mom and my dad. I also want to thank the
00:55:02Flying Zambini Brothers and the 23rd Armored Division of Fort Knox, Kentucky, the Michigan State
00:55:10Marching Band, and all those wonderful, wonderful guys who never left their name. Thank you. Love you.
00:55:24The winner of the best solo performance of the year, a man who personally will attend the John Wayne
00:55:39Vasectomy next month, Mr. Junior Lohmann.
00:55:44Great job. I know it must have been hard for you. There you are, Junior.
00:55:54Well, the moment we've all waited for is now at hand, the Inner Species Award. It is given to the deserving
00:56:02couple who have shown the most compatibility and responsiveness to each other during the past year.
00:56:09Now, please watch the monitors. The nominees are Elmer Brown and Claribel, New York City. Linda Wayne
00:56:21and Rex in Sino-California. Gordon Lamont and Morningstar, Key Biscayne, Florida.
00:56:31And the winner? The winner is Elmer and Claribel.
00:56:43Congratulations to the two of you. Elmer, congratulations. Claribel, congratulations.
00:57:02Wonderful couple. Let's hear it for this wonderful couple. I think your pal is from Ohio. He's got a little
00:57:09under his tail. I also have another surprise for you, Elmer. The mayor of this city has given your wife
00:57:15permission to shit in the street. And now, the award for the best dramatic performance for male or female in a
00:57:24bedroom situation. And the nominees are Miss Roberta Kenyon. I'm saving it for my wedding night, Denver,
00:57:34Colorado. Mr. Harrison Marks, do it to me and I promise I'll do it to you, Beverly Hills, California. Mrs.
00:57:45Marcia Kaplan, not tonight, Harry. I've got a headache, Oak Park, Michigan. Mr. Mark Sterling, all I want to do is
00:57:56touch it, Eugene, Oregon. Miss Charity LaRue, I'm not that kind of a girl, Lake Placid, New York. Montague Corrigan,
00:58:08I'll only put it in a little bit, Palm Springs, California. Envelope, please. The winner is Montague Corrigan.
00:58:21I'll only put it in a little bit.
00:58:51♪♪
00:59:14♪♪
00:59:43♪♪
01:00:08And now, as we come to the climax of tonight's festivities, it gives me intense pride and pleasure to introduce the star of
01:00:20stage, screen, radio and television, a man who will sing the song of the year, Mr. Keith Brazell!
01:00:30♪♪
01:00:44Maestro, if you please.
01:00:46♪♪
01:00:52In all of life, there are some fleeting moments. Love is one of those that we can share. Banish all your woes and all your heartaches.
01:01:13Be happy with the ones for whom you care. Money will never answer all your problems. Happiness is just a state of mind.
01:01:35Only friends will stick when there are troubles. When they need help, try only to be kind. So...
01:02:01Don't fuck around with love, baby. Don't fuck around with love.
01:02:07Even Adam had it from the starting of time. The apple was delicious, but it tasted like lime, remember?
01:02:13Don't fuck around with love, baby. Don't fuck around with love.
01:02:19Noah had a ball just sailing his art. Ewell was known for never missing his part.
01:02:25Maestro had a lover and his name was Clark. Don't fuck around with love.
01:02:30Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
01:02:33Don't fuck around with love, baby. Don't fuck around with love.
01:02:38Samson and Delilah had a great affair. But once he did her wrong, she cut off his hair. So...
01:02:45Don't fuck around with love, baby. Don't fuck around with love.
01:02:51Birds, trees, and flowers bloom in the spring. To do is fat and pound is in everyone's swing.
01:02:56Do it more than twice, baby, you are the king. Don't fuck around with love.
01:03:01Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
01:03:21Don't fuck around with love, baby. Don't fuck around with love.
01:03:26Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
01:03:29Don't fuck around with love, baby. Don't fuck around with love.
01:03:34Don't fuck around with love.
01:04:01Don't fuck around with love.
01:04:32Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
01:04:36Don't fuck around with love, baby. Don't fuck around with love.
01:04:41The moral of this story is be truly your own. Always remember, don't bother to show, show.
01:04:48Don't fuck around with love, baby. Don't fuck around with love.
01:04:53Fish in the water can always be caught. A bird in the bush is better than not.
01:04:59Happiness is something that cannot be bought.
01:05:02Don't fuck around with, don't fuck around with, don't fuck around with love.