Off Beat (1986) Comedy

Retro Kid
Retro Kid
  • last month
A librarian gets more than he bargained for when a favor for a friend leads to a secret career as a police officer.
Transcript
00:00:00In your face, man, in your face, you understand what I'm saying to you?
00:00:19You're saying in my face, right?
00:00:20That's right, that's what I'm saying.
00:00:21If you're serious, man, in your face.
00:00:23You trying to tell me that we didn't invent baseball?
00:00:26Aw, shit, man.
00:00:27Black folks invented chitlins, man.
00:00:29Puerto Ricans invented baseball, so in your face.
00:00:32Your mama.
00:00:33All right, your mama, in my face.
00:00:35But I'm telling you, man, we're taking over the game.
00:00:37Taking over my ass.
00:00:38A couple of years ain't gonna be nothing for you Velcro heads to do but to tap dance and
00:00:42drive your big pink Cadillacs.
00:00:44You driving me?
00:00:45Hey, man, would I drive you?
00:00:46Yeah, you'd drive me.
00:00:48Only for a day's pay, Jack.
00:00:52You greasers are here on a guest pass.
00:00:53Shit.
00:00:54Do you want to know how little I think of your people?
00:00:57No.
00:00:59Well, there's some white guys I'd rather have on my team than you chili suckers.
00:01:01Aw, man, you must be putting me on, man.
00:01:04Your mama.
00:01:05And all that mayonnaise, man.
00:01:06That caster all by himself could field a team that could sweep the World Series in four
00:01:10straight, Jack.
00:01:11You're not playing with a four-deck, brother.
00:01:13Oh, say, yes, I am, are you?
00:01:17Not a bad idea, though, huh, man?
00:01:19What idea, man?
00:01:21You know, stuffing some aluminum baskets with keys and no's, can I?
00:01:24Oh, man, you gotta think about the public.
00:01:26A bust like that, it could damage the image of baseball.
00:01:38Look, man, I got places to go and people to see, so what do you say we talk some commerce?
00:01:42What kind of commerce you got in mind to talk about, huh, amigo?
00:01:46Coke.
00:01:47Coke, amigo?
00:01:50Hey.
00:01:52Yeah.
00:01:53All right, boys and girls, let's get ready to slam the doors.
00:01:58I'm looking for a major friendship, man.
00:02:00Hands across the ocean?
00:02:01What do you think, amigo?
00:02:03It's not what I think, Zipo.
00:02:04Dave?
00:02:05It's what?
00:02:06Who the hell is that?
00:02:07Jesus.
00:02:08Who the hell is that?
00:02:09Some guy on a bike.
00:02:11Dave, what are you doing?
00:02:13What, are you guys on a stakeout or something?
00:02:16OK, let's move.
00:02:17Move, move, move.
00:02:18Come on, move.
00:02:21Joe Gower.
00:02:23Hector.
00:02:24Hector Partido.
00:02:27It's a great pleasure, my man.
00:02:30Right, Capitan Abe?
00:02:34Who are you guys after?
00:02:38All right, all right, don't tell me.
00:02:40Gonna be any shooting?
00:02:41Watch my bike.
00:02:42See you later, Abe.
00:02:43Nice to meet you, Hector.
00:02:45Hey, it's my pleasure.
00:02:47Don't work too hard.
00:02:48Hey, don't plant.
00:02:50Show off, scumbag.
00:02:52Come on, you ain't got nothing on me, man.
00:02:55Get him out of here.
00:02:56See you at the ballpark, Abe.
00:02:59Guy blew the whole goddamn bust.
00:03:01Who the hell was that, Abe?
00:03:03That?
00:03:05That was Mr. Dead Meat.
00:03:21How you doing this morning, Pud?
00:03:23Hemorrhoids killing me, Joe.
00:03:25Bulk, Pud.
00:03:26You gotta put more bulk in your diet.
00:03:39Gower.
00:03:40How you doing this morning, Pud?
00:03:42I'm good, Joe.
00:03:43How you doing this morning, Pud?
00:03:45I'm good, Joe.
00:03:48Gower.
00:03:49How you doing?
00:03:50How am I doing?
00:03:51Did you see the paper this morning, Joey?
00:03:53But I'm not apathetic.
00:03:54No, I'm gonna do something.
00:03:56There are two things in this world that I love, Joey.
00:03:59The Dewey Decimal System and demolition pyrotechnics.
00:04:02And I will use them together.
00:04:04And I will start sending books to the networks.
00:04:07Good things.
00:04:08You know, Ken Kesey, Dr. Seuss, Norman Mailer.
00:04:11And when they open the book,
00:04:12there's a little landmine inside
00:04:13triggered to the title page.
00:04:15It's like, boom!
00:04:16Three or four of these literary experiences,
00:04:18they'll learn...
00:04:19Learn what?
00:04:20Not to cancel family feud.
00:04:22Uh-huh.
00:04:24Lunch today, Joey?
00:04:26Uh-huh.
00:04:27I got soup.
00:04:28Uh-huh.
00:04:29Just got me eating it.
00:04:39Morning, Joseph.
00:04:40Morning, Albert.
00:04:41Morning, Norman.
00:04:42Looks like you blew your nose on your tie
00:04:44there, Al.
00:04:45This happens to be a designer tie, Norman.
00:04:47Those happen to be the gentleman's initials.
00:04:50Oh.
00:04:51Called you folks late last night.
00:04:53Stuck my head out my window,
00:04:55aimed my mouth at New Jersey,
00:04:57and screamed,
00:04:58Mary Ellen Gruenwald,
00:04:59where the hell are you?
00:05:01Got home late.
00:05:03Joey, I need to talk to you.
00:05:05Opening, ladies and gentlemen.
00:05:08Morning.
00:05:10Morning.
00:05:14What's the matter?
00:05:16Gower?
00:05:17See you, please.
00:05:19I'll, uh, see you at lunch.
00:05:20About the promotion?
00:05:22Dr. Hark asked me to tell you it's no.
00:05:24He's decided to move Kershaw upstairs instead.
00:05:32Did you tell him?
00:05:35And by the way, Gower,
00:05:38Mary Ellen will be moving in with me this evening.
00:06:38Ah!
00:07:01Just an old sweet song
00:07:05Keeps Georgia on my mind
00:07:12You owe me, Joey.
00:07:14How was I supposed to know the guy wasn't a cop?
00:07:17Huh?
00:07:19Put it on my tab.
00:07:21Getting to be a pretty big goddamn tab, Joey.
00:07:24Georgia
00:07:28Georgia
00:07:31The whole day through
00:07:35The moonlight through the pines
00:07:43Get passed over for promotion today.
00:07:46Again?
00:07:48And then Mary Ellen dumped me.
00:07:51Joey.
00:07:53Abe.
00:07:56Why do I keep screwing up?
00:08:01Joey, you know what your problem is.
00:08:04What?
00:08:05You could never go to your left.
00:08:07What left?
00:08:08Your left.
00:08:09What?
00:08:10Abe, hon, I'm hungry.
00:08:12I'm gonna feed you in a damn minute.
00:08:15Eat some of these goldfish.
00:08:16I can go to my left.
00:08:18If he could go to his left,
00:08:20we would have won the high school championship.
00:08:22We'd both be playing for the Knicks right now.
00:08:25Now you're bringing that up?
00:08:28I hardly ever think about that.
00:08:32Believe me, I can go to my left.
00:08:34You can't go to your left.
00:08:36Oh, yeah?
00:08:37Hey!
00:08:38I'm sorry.
00:08:39Sorry.
00:08:43The arms reach out to me
00:08:50The whole day through
00:08:53Eight seconds.
00:08:54All in the slammy, Sam.
00:08:56Out the watch.
00:08:57Just an old sweet song
00:08:59Coach Schultz screaming.
00:09:00Keeps George on my mind
00:09:03He whips it down to Gower.
00:09:04They know he can't go left.
00:09:06He tries to go right.
00:09:07Double-teamed.
00:09:08Two seconds.
00:09:09One.
00:09:10This is for you, Coach Schultz.
00:09:11Ball's in the air.
00:09:12Buzzer.
00:09:13Stress.
00:09:14Out!
00:09:21Everybody knew you were gonna try to go right
00:09:23when you got the ball
00:09:24because you had no left hand.
00:09:27I can go to my left.
00:09:28If you coulda, you woulda gone around your man that night
00:09:30and hit the jumper.
00:09:33Abe, hon.
00:09:34I'm cold.
00:09:36I'm gonna be there with you in a minute, cupcake.
00:09:42When you gonna make a move with your life, Joy?
00:09:48Let's make a pact.
00:09:49You gonna fake right, go left.
00:09:52You gonna tackle the fastest of the game, man,
00:09:54without fear, and start tomorrow, baby.
00:09:56You gonna take it to him.
00:09:58Feed me.
00:10:02Like that.
00:10:03Whoo!
00:10:04Hit me!
00:10:06Again!
00:10:07Again!
00:10:08One more!
00:10:09Aah!
00:10:23Bullshit.
00:10:25I don't believe I've ever heard
00:10:26such unbelievable bullshit in my life.
00:10:33Come in, DeLuca.
00:10:35I'm touched that you could join us this morning.
00:10:38Please, consume a chair.
00:10:42Last year, ladies and gentlemen,
00:10:43it was the Labor Day Skate-a-thon.
00:10:46This year, and I'm reading from the memorandum,
00:10:48it's Yankee Doodle Night.
00:10:51This sounds like something
00:10:52you could be involved in, DeLuca.
00:10:54And the police department
00:10:55is going to perform a dance
00:10:57created by a very famous toe dancer.
00:10:59What'd he say?
00:11:00Somebody's doodle's gonna dance.
00:11:01Who, it says right here,
00:11:02has, during the past five years,
00:11:04taken kids off the very streets of New York
00:11:06and introduced them to the discipline
00:11:08and the joy of modern dance.
00:11:10This is really sounding perfect for you, DeLuca.
00:11:12Councilwoman Scafidi, bless her heart,
00:11:14believes, and I quote,
00:11:16this is an ideal opportunity
00:11:18to show the people of New York and these children
00:11:21that our police officers
00:11:22are just regular guys and gals.
00:11:24Yeah, and not a bunch of sadistic,
00:11:26kill-crazy lunatics.
00:11:30The commish has been instructed
00:11:32to provide one officer
00:11:33from each and every precinct
00:11:35in our great city, DeLuca,
00:11:39to try out this very evening
00:11:41for this exciting event.
00:11:43Go on.
00:11:44I need a volunteer.
00:11:46Would a statistical get to do that?
00:11:51Oh, Washington.
00:11:55And just for fun,
00:11:56let's see if you can get this assignment right.
00:12:02Are you ready to learn Japanese?
00:12:05Enrich your life.
00:12:06Broaden your horizons.
00:12:08In ten easy lessons,
00:12:09you will be thinking and speaking in Japanese.
00:12:13Listen to this tape
00:12:14and repeat the words you hear.
00:12:16Hello.
00:12:17Konnichiwa.
00:12:18Hello, Joe.
00:12:19Goodbye.
00:12:20Sayonara.
00:12:21What are you doing here?
00:12:22I need you to do me a favor.
00:12:25Oh, yeah?
00:12:27Wait a minute, don't tell me.
00:12:29Katzen can't make it tonight
00:12:30to your big over-the-hill basketball game,
00:12:32and you need me to help you become king of the YMCA.
00:12:35No, because of your screw-up yesterday,
00:12:37I got volunteered for a toe-dancing cop show.
00:12:41Where and when?
00:12:43Lincoln Center, eight weeks.
00:12:45But what I'm getting at, Joey, is this.
00:12:47I've got big money riding on my game,
00:12:49so I've decided that at the dance tryouts tonight,
00:12:53you're gonna take my place.
00:12:58I don't believe I heard you correctly.
00:13:01You owe me.
00:13:02No.
00:13:03No, I'm not trying out for some dancing cop show.
00:13:07No way.
00:13:09No way!
00:13:11Why can't I wear my own clothes and say I'm off-duty?
00:13:14Because you don't look like a cop in street clothes, that's why.
00:13:17Well, I don't look like one in uniform either.
00:13:19Look, this doesn't fit.
00:13:20Well, it was the best I could do.
00:13:22Okay, if anybody asks you who you are, what do you say?
00:13:25Patrolman Abraham Washington from the 22nd Precinct.
00:13:29Not the 22nd.
00:13:31We never say the 22nd.
00:13:33It's the 2-2.
00:13:34You're from the 2-2.
00:13:35The 2-2.
00:13:36Not the 2-2.
00:13:38The 2-2!
00:13:39This is never gonna work.
00:13:40Look, Abraham Washington?
00:13:42That's not exactly your classic white guy name.
00:13:44The name tag says A. Washington.
00:13:46So say your name is...
00:13:48Alvin Washington.
00:13:49That's a nice honky name.
00:13:51Alvin.
00:13:53If we get found out, Abe, we're in big trouble.
00:13:56Just keep your mouth shut and fall down a lot.
00:13:58Couple hours, you'll be out.
00:14:00I'll be off the hook.
00:14:01What if somebody looks under my holster flap
00:14:03and sees I'm not packing a rod?
00:14:05Right, let me give you a loaded gun.
00:14:08Look at them twinkle toes.
00:14:12We're even, Joy.
00:14:15Abe?
00:14:31Are you getting off?
00:14:33Uh, no, I, uh...
00:14:35It's the elevator patrol.
00:14:37I got, uh, you know, 15 more minutes.
00:14:44What are you doing after class?
00:14:46Going to the stream.
00:14:49I'm so sore from yesterday.
00:14:56Did you hear about Kate's boyfriend?
00:14:59He is the biggest slime.
00:15:01And his hair is so greasy.
00:15:04Mike.
00:15:16I, uh, thought we had something going.
00:15:20Special.
00:15:22Lasting.
00:15:23Two people like us don't...
00:15:24Peter, it was one night. It was a mistake.
00:15:27And I'm just supposed to accept that, right?
00:15:29No, you're supposed to keep on hitting on me
00:15:31until I despise you.
00:15:33Oh, you're not going to despise me, Rachel.
00:15:36Because I'll kill you before I let you despise me.
00:15:46To hell with the commish and to hell with the council lady.
00:15:49Pig's got a mustache anyway.
00:15:51You want to relax, huh?
00:15:53We're going to screw this up so bad
00:15:54you're going to have to cancel the goddamn thing
00:15:56before it gets started anyway.
00:15:58Who's for screwing this up?
00:16:00Screw it up.
00:16:07Hi.
00:16:09Earl Pelham, 49.
00:16:11Hair worth of nine-nine. Pete Peterson, 116.
00:16:15How you doing?
00:16:17A. Washington, the two-two.
00:16:22Is this some bogus shit, Washington, or what?
00:16:25Bogus.
00:16:26It's the worst thing that happened to cops
00:16:27since the Knapp commission.
00:16:29That's supposed to be directed at me, Washington?
00:16:31What?
00:16:32Whoa, whoa, easy, easy, Pete. Easy, easy, boy.
00:16:34Smart guy.
00:16:36Fucking Knapp commission.
00:16:38Oh, shit.
00:16:39Yo, come on.
00:16:41Shit.
00:16:43Don't worry about this, kid. Two weeks out of school.
00:16:50You let this girl fix you on the other foot, George.
00:16:53You break his heart.
00:16:59I'm so sad that she's gone.
00:17:01I bet it's not that bad.
00:17:03Second brigade.
00:17:05She specialized in hostage situations.
00:17:08There's your buddy Peterson about her.
00:17:10Five, four, three, two, one.
00:17:14Knock it off, everybody.
00:17:16Knock it off, please.
00:17:18Who wants us to knock it off?
00:17:21Harry, will you knock it off?
00:17:23I'm not that anxious to knock it off.
00:17:25I don't think anybody wants to knock it off.
00:17:28Excuse me, officer. Do you have a problem?
00:17:31Problem?
00:17:33Is something bothering you about this?
00:17:35No, this is great. I love this.
00:17:38I think that you think
00:17:41that dancing's for women and for faggots.
00:17:49Now, why would I go and think a thing like that?
00:17:53Just like all dancers are gay,
00:17:56all cops are sadists.
00:17:58I hope you're not making a derogatory remark about me, pal.
00:18:05Look, you've got all these muscles.
00:18:08You're strong.
00:18:10Could you do something like this?
00:18:14Who would want to?
00:18:16I don't know. You.
00:18:18Or you.
00:18:20Or any of you.
00:18:22How do you know what it's like to dance till you try it?
00:18:25But it's all voluntary.
00:18:27If you don't want to try, you can go back to your precinct,
00:18:30you can tell your commanding officer
00:18:32that I didn't take you in the audition.
00:18:34All I'm suggesting is that you give it a shot.
00:18:37You may all find out that you'll change,
00:18:40that you'll be different.
00:18:42It's great.
00:18:45Go if you want to go.
00:18:52Guess I'll take off.
00:18:55Chicken shit.
00:19:02Second thought, maybe I'll stick around.
00:19:07Hey, let's get out of here.
00:19:09No, let's stick around. We'll be a few laps.
00:19:11One, two, three, four,
00:19:14five, six, seven and eight.
00:19:17Jump one, two, three and four.
00:19:20Five, six, seven. Now to the right.
00:19:23To the right. Go.
00:19:27Stop. Stop.
00:19:30You don't know your right from your left.
00:19:51Step one.
00:19:55Hold with your feet.
00:19:59Faster.
00:20:01Go. Faster.
00:20:03Faster.
00:20:05Go. Go. Go. Go.
00:20:07Faster. Go. Go.
00:20:09Get your feet going. Go. Go. Go. Go.
00:20:12Faster. Faster. Faster.
00:20:15Left.
00:20:20Four steps.
00:20:24Twice as fast.
00:20:29Go. Step. Step. Step. Step.
00:20:34Yay!
00:20:38That was terrific, but I can't take all of you,
00:20:40so there's a test I have.
00:20:42Could you step front, please?
00:20:44Jump in the air, turn to the right
00:20:46and land in the same spot. Watch.
00:20:51Oh, yeah.
00:20:55That was excellent.
00:20:57The record is 61 jumps in a row.
00:21:00Anybody left standing at the end is in the show.
00:21:04Countdown.
00:21:0761.
00:21:1060.
00:21:1359.
00:21:1658.
00:21:1858.
00:21:20Higher.
00:21:22Jump.
00:21:26Early in the evening
00:21:28Just about supper time
00:21:30Over by the courthouse
00:21:32It's starting to unwind
00:21:34Four kids on the corner
00:21:37Trying to bring you up
00:21:39Willie picks a tune out
00:21:41And he throws it on the hum
00:21:43Down on the corner
00:21:45Out in the street
00:21:47Willie and the folk boys are playing
00:21:49Bringing it up happy feet
00:21:52Down on the corner
00:21:54Out in the street
00:21:56Willie and the folk boys are playing
00:21:58Bringing it up happy feet
00:22:00What the hell am I doing?
00:22:02Are you talking to me, Washington?
00:22:04Six.
00:22:07Five.
00:22:09Don't give up.
00:22:11Four.
00:22:14Three.
00:22:16Two.
00:22:18One.
00:22:32How could you make it?
00:22:34What am I supposed to do now?
00:22:36I'm not gonna be in some dancing show.
00:22:38Of course not. I am.
00:22:40Are you crazy?
00:22:42Dave, you're giving me a major headache.
00:22:45Dave, you were right.
00:22:47I could never go to my left.
00:22:49But, Dave, tonight, I went to my left.
00:22:51I went to my left.
00:22:53Come on. You gotta let me keep the uniform.
00:22:55Let me be in the show.
00:22:57Look, I know I seem like a lunatic.
00:22:59No. Really?
00:23:01Come on, Dave.
00:23:05Oh, Jesus.
00:23:07You're gonna be so proud to be me.
00:23:15Hey, how about a brewski, Joey?
00:23:17No, I can't.
00:23:19You want to catch a flick down on 42nd Street or something?
00:23:22Can't do it tonight, Norman.
00:23:24Where are you running?
00:23:26Where are you running to every night?
00:23:28You're into something, huh?
00:23:30You can tell me, Joey.
00:23:32What are you into?
00:23:35Magic, Norman.
00:23:37Magic.
00:23:39Magic.
00:23:41Magic.
00:23:43Magic.
00:23:485, 6, 7, 8.
00:23:50And 1, 2, 3 and 4.
00:23:525, 6, 7.
00:23:54Again.
00:23:56And 1, 2, 3 and 4.
00:23:585, 6, 7.
00:24:00Good.
00:24:02We're gonna do it slowly.
00:24:04Follow me.
00:24:06And 1.
00:24:08Kick 2. Put your leg on 3.
00:24:102, 3.
00:24:13Change 4.
00:24:15Now.
00:24:17Kick 5.
00:24:19Put down on 6.
00:24:215, 6.
00:24:23Here it comes. Jump 7.
00:24:257.
00:24:27What's your name?
00:24:29Pete Peterson.
00:24:31Pete.
00:24:33Do the movement in 7 counts.
00:24:35Don't move on 8. Freeze on 7.
00:24:377, Pete. That's why we're after 6.
00:24:43You trying to be cute with me again, Washington?
00:24:49What are you saying? I made that remark?
00:24:51You trying to be cute with me or what?
00:24:53Hey, Pete, I said it. Okay, Mo?
00:24:59Gee, this is exciting.
00:25:02What's your name?
00:25:04A. Washington.
00:25:06A? People call you A?
00:25:09No, they call me...
00:25:11Zeke.
00:25:13Zeke, you do it. Pete, you watch.
00:25:15Wait a minute. I don't want to... Go ahead.
00:25:17Ready?
00:25:21Yeah.
00:25:23And 1, 2,
00:25:253 and 4.
00:25:275, 6, 7.
00:25:29Well done, Zeke.
00:25:31Got it?
00:25:33Everybody got it? Yeah.
00:25:35You? Yeah.
00:25:375, 6, 7, 8.
00:25:39And 1, 2, 3 and 4.
00:25:415, 6, 7.
00:25:43By the skin of your teeth.
00:25:47First you insult his manhood.
00:25:49Insult his manhood?
00:25:51Yeah, then this puts Washington... Brings up his past.
00:25:53Look, if he doesn't want people reminding him of his past,
00:25:55he should have stayed clean in the first place.
00:25:57The nap was a long time ago. Pete's a good cop.
00:25:59Oh, that has nothing to do with it. He's just jealous.
00:26:01Jealous of what? Of Zeke. Of Washington? Yeah.
00:26:03Jealousy's unavoidable, Kitty. Zeke's not afraid of a little competition.
00:26:05All right, who ordered the cachavana skin?
00:26:07Those are mine.
00:26:09If anybody's afraid of a little competition,
00:26:11they ought to get themselves into a line of work
00:26:13where they can keep anonymous, right, Zeke?
00:26:21I was...
00:26:23undercover for four years.
00:26:25Being anonymous
00:26:27isn't all it's cracked up to be.
00:26:29Not quite.
00:26:33I think the...
00:26:35Lesson learned.
00:26:39I don't get this undercover work.
00:26:41That would have anything to do with keeping an eye on other cops...
00:26:43Hey, look, why don't you get off his case?
00:26:45Why don't you get porked, get pregnant,
00:26:47stay home and make formula?
00:26:51Ooh!
00:26:53Here we go.
00:26:59Oh, shit.
00:27:05All right, here.
00:27:07Take this.
00:27:09It's time to go.
00:27:11I'm gonna tell my story.
00:27:19Rachel, you okay?
00:27:21Yeah.
00:27:27I'm starting to get the feeling
00:27:29you're protecting me.
00:27:33I'm sure you can take care of yourself.
00:27:39You want another iced tea?
00:27:43No, I gotta go.
00:27:51You want a ride home?
00:27:59You're a hostage negotiator.
00:28:01So I'm told. Pete and I trained together.
00:28:03Ah.
00:28:05Yeah, ah.
00:28:07What are you doing here?
00:28:09Good night, Washington.
00:28:11I'm giving him a lift home.
00:28:13No, you're not.
00:28:15I can take the subway.
00:28:17Get in, Zeke.
00:28:19Get in, Zeke.
00:28:21Stay out, Zeke.
00:28:23In.
00:28:25Out.
00:28:27In.
00:28:29Out.
00:28:31All right, so I'm not behaving at my best.
00:28:33But we spent six weeks in training together.
00:28:35We talked.
00:28:37I cheat off you on the tests.
00:28:39We were a team.
00:28:41Shit!
00:28:43Oh, my God.
00:28:49Radio in at 10-20.
00:28:51What the hell with our 10-20?
00:28:53We're gonna talk like adults.
00:28:55Zeke, radio in.
00:28:57135.
00:29:0355.
00:29:05Hello?
00:29:07Okay, hello. I'm sorry.
00:29:09Hello?
00:29:11Give it to me straight.
00:29:13What's missing?
00:29:15Love.
00:29:21Maybe one of you should radio in our 10-20.
00:29:23Up yours, Washington.
00:29:25You're saying I couldn't love you?
00:29:27Peter, I'm in the middle of a high-speed chase.
00:29:29Just tell me. Is that what you're saying?
00:29:31I'm not having this conversation now.
00:29:33Take the goddamn sidewalk.
00:29:35I love you.
00:29:37I know to take the sidewalk.
00:29:39Don't tell me to take the sidewalk.
00:29:43Is there somebody else?
00:29:45If there's somebody else, just tell me.
00:29:47Car! Car!
00:29:49Who is it?
00:29:51Never mind. Forget it.
00:29:53None of my business.
00:29:55But you want to tell me, tell me.
00:29:57I promise I won't hurt him.
00:29:59I'll kill him!
00:30:01I'll kill him!
00:30:19Rachel.
00:30:21I don't want to lose you.
00:30:31Ha-ha.
00:30:37Hey, Sarge.
00:30:43Jody, my man.
00:30:45Always running your mouth off, right?
00:30:47Huh?
00:30:49Mm-hmm.
00:30:51Guys are the New York Police Department.
00:30:53How's it going?
00:31:01Nap condition.
00:31:03Right, Mr. Rat?
00:31:09Watch my what?
00:31:13Oh, Washington.
00:31:15I have a new assignment for you.
00:31:17Oh, Washington.
00:31:19I have a new assignment for you.
00:31:21Oh, Washington.
00:31:23I have a new assignment for you.
00:31:47Hey.
00:31:53Hey, Mojangles.
00:31:55What do you think you're doing?
00:31:57What?
00:31:59I've been watching you.
00:32:01Cops don't dance in subways.
00:32:03You know what I got on my ass?
00:32:05Hair?
00:32:07Saddle soles.
00:32:09Abe, I got to get to rehearsal.
00:32:11What's your point?
00:32:13The word is out that an A. Washington
00:32:15was a cop, you follow me?
00:32:17Yeah, look, that's just a little misunderstanding.
00:32:19Don't worry about it.
00:32:21A little misunderstanding?
00:32:23I could lose my job, my pension.
00:32:25We could both end up in jail.
00:32:27I got everything under control, pal.
00:32:29Don't worry about it.
00:32:31I got everything under control.
00:32:33Go.
00:32:35One, jump.
00:32:37Two, put her down.
00:32:39Don't muscle it.
00:32:41You two have a problem?
00:32:43Do the lithomy.
00:32:45Come on.
00:32:55Maybe we are having a little problem.
00:32:57I was just letting you help,
00:32:59like the man said.
00:33:01Thanks, Pete.
00:33:03This is no way for us to become a team.
00:33:05Don't say a word to me, Washington,
00:33:07especially about team play.
00:33:09Team play?
00:33:11I was just telling a buddy of mine,
00:33:13we got a cop here, he's in the business
00:33:15of ratting on other cops.
00:33:17And an old friend of his thinks that's cool.
00:33:19I don't need this shit.
00:33:21Wait a minute.
00:33:23Rachel, wait.
00:33:25Zeke, do the lithomy.
00:33:27You give your right hand to your partner.
00:33:29It's very simple.
00:33:31You picture what the woman's gonna need
00:33:33and you give it to her.
00:33:35It takes sensitivity.
00:33:37Give her exactly what she's gonna need.
00:33:39That, ladies and gentlemen,
00:33:41is the way it should look.
00:33:43My friend, you're improving.
00:33:45I'm full of shit.
00:33:47You're the authority.
00:33:49Cut it out, you two.
00:33:51If you're trying to show me what tough cops you all are,
00:33:53I got the picture.
00:33:55Celestine, you work with Pete.
00:33:57Rachel, with Zeke.
00:33:59Come on, everybody, let's dance.
00:34:01Give your right hand to your partner.
00:34:03Bend your knees, like a lunge.
00:34:05Ready, girls?
00:34:07Now, with music this time, please.
00:34:09Five, six, seven, eight.
00:34:11Go, one, jump, two, over your chest.
00:34:13Hold it.
00:34:15That's it. Smile.
00:34:17Perfect.
00:34:27So you in on that 692
00:34:29out of the 2-2 this morning?
00:34:31Me? Yeah.
00:34:33Oh, yeah.
00:34:37I think half the 692s
00:34:39that go down up there at the 2-2,
00:34:41they must say,
00:34:43hey, we're not doing this unless Zeke Washington's in on it.
00:34:45So you figure
00:34:47you're gonna nail some lady cops.
00:34:49Nail some lady cops.
00:34:51Figured that's why most of you guys got in on this.
00:34:55Oh, come on, Washington, just for the hell of it,
00:34:57let's talk straight to each other.
00:34:59Okay.
00:35:01All right.
00:35:07That's not at all
00:35:09why I got into this.
00:35:11Now that I'm here, though,
00:35:13I have to admit
00:35:15there is one lady cop
00:35:17that I'd like very much to nail.
00:35:23She scares the hell out of me.
00:35:29Don't let her scare you.
00:35:31Thanks.
00:35:37Think she'd have dinner with me?
00:35:43Ask her.
00:35:45Would you have dinner with me?
00:35:49Yeah.
00:35:53I'm just saying, the woman or not, she's a cop,
00:35:55and she wants a guy who's a cop,
00:35:57so I gotta be a guy who's a cop, too,
00:35:59even though I'm not.
00:36:01Why do I feel like I'm always on the outside
00:36:03of your conversations trying to get in?
00:36:05You gotta help me.
00:36:07I need some cop material. No, you don't.
00:36:09We were having coffee last night.
00:36:11You know the first thing she says to me?
00:36:13She says you look like a guy that works in a library.
00:36:15She asked if I'm in on the 692
00:36:17up at the 2-2 yesterday.
00:36:19Jesus. What's a 692?
00:36:21Bomb scare.
00:36:23Oh. Oh, that's good.
00:36:25Listen, don't come in.
00:36:27She knows you.
00:36:29Look, Abe, you gotta make me sound like a cop.
00:36:31Give me some cop numbers.
00:36:33A 365.
00:36:35Great. What is that?
00:36:37Impersonating a police officer.
00:36:39Three to five and a slammer.
00:36:47What do you think?
00:36:51I want that uniform back now.
00:36:53Look, Abe, I know you're worried,
00:36:55but I've got everything...
00:36:57You see this?
00:36:59You know what this is?
00:37:01Eczema.
00:37:03You know when I get it?
00:37:05When I pass worried.
00:37:07I want that uniform back.
00:37:09I just go out and rent one.
00:37:11Are we all right in there?
00:37:15Oh, yes.
00:37:19And something for you, officer?
00:37:21I don't dance.
00:37:25Breaking news.
00:37:27316.
00:37:29316.
00:37:31No, it's 316.
00:37:33316.
00:37:35Grand theft.
00:37:37425.
00:37:39Taking a bribe from a police officer.
00:37:41223.
00:37:43Solicitation.
00:37:45223. Solicitation.
00:37:55313.
00:37:57Grand theft auto.
00:37:59314.
00:38:01314.
00:38:03314.
00:38:05314.
00:38:07314.
00:38:09314.
00:38:11314.
00:38:13314.
00:38:15Hi there.
00:38:17Can I see your license and registration?
00:38:29Freeze!
00:38:31Hands up!
00:38:53Hi.
00:38:55Hi.
00:38:57Hi.
00:38:59Hi.
00:39:01You look beautiful.
00:39:05Come on in.
00:39:19Would you like a glass of wine?
00:39:21Yeah.
00:39:23Okay.
00:39:28Wouldn't figure a cop for an apartment like this.
00:39:33Read all these books?
00:39:35Me? No.
00:39:37I, uh...
00:39:39Sublet from some joker
00:39:41works in a library.
00:39:45Toys his, too?
00:39:47No, toys are mine.
00:39:51My father wanted me to be an accountant.
00:39:53But my mother
00:39:55and her second husband
00:39:57wanted me to be a civil engineer.
00:39:59Then my father's second wife
00:40:01wanted me to run
00:40:03her deceased husband's mortuary business.
00:40:15I remember wanting to write books for kids.
00:40:17All full of useful wisdom
00:40:19about how not to grow up
00:40:21to be like the adults I knew.
00:40:27But I never got around to that.
00:40:33So...
00:40:35I drifted from job to job.
00:40:39And...
00:40:41Fulfilled the prophecy
00:40:43of my high school basketball coach
00:40:45who assured me I'd never amount to anything.
00:40:53Until I joined the cops, of course.
00:40:57Everybody satisfied now?
00:41:01No idea.
00:41:03Do you want to dance?
00:41:13No.
00:41:33♪
00:42:03♪
00:42:33Afternoon!
00:42:35Afternoon.
00:42:37Can I get you something cool?
00:42:39Getting anybody?
00:42:41Does the Pope wear a beanie?
00:42:45Yeah.
00:42:47Aw, come on, come on. Are you kidding me?
00:42:49Thanks a lot.
00:42:51Help! Help!
00:42:53Give me that! Hey!
00:42:55Help! Officer!
00:42:57Get that man! He took my purse!
00:42:59Get him!
00:43:01Officer, he's heading for the fountain!
00:43:03What kind of a policeman are you?
00:43:05Why are you standing there?
00:43:07♪
00:43:09♪
00:43:11♪
00:43:13♪
00:43:15♪
00:43:17♪
00:43:19♪
00:43:21♪
00:43:23♪
00:43:25♪
00:43:27♪
00:43:29♪
00:43:31♪
00:43:33♪
00:43:35♪
00:43:37♪
00:43:39♪
00:43:41♪
00:43:43♪
00:43:45♪
00:43:47♪
00:43:49♪
00:43:51♪
00:43:53♪
00:43:55♪
00:43:57Police!
00:43:58Ah!
00:44:01Ah!
00:44:13This is your LW-70.
00:44:15Ah.
00:44:16Your basic rocket launcher.
00:44:19Rocket launcher?
00:44:20For what?
00:44:21Home protection.
00:44:23I live in an apartment.
00:44:27No permit necessary.
00:44:29How about something a policeman might use?
00:44:34OK.
00:44:36Why don't we take a look-see at your standard barrel
00:44:3938 police special?
00:44:40Oh, uh, this, this gun.
00:44:58Revolver.
00:44:59Revolver.
00:45:04If I were to shoot this at somebody,
00:45:06I could do some major damage, I guess.
00:45:10Well, if you're looking to vaporize somebody,
00:45:12you want your LW-70.
00:45:13But if you're just looking to blow somebody apart,
00:45:15I think you'd be very happy with this number.
00:45:19Yeah.
00:45:21Well, that's the key to owning a weapon, right?
00:45:25What?
00:45:27Happiness.
00:45:37You're late.
00:45:38It's too late.
00:45:39Sorry.
00:45:41You made a commitment to the group.
00:45:43Uh, I was on the beat, and I apologize for it.
00:45:46Wait, wait, wait.
00:45:48Me.
00:45:59I've decided to build a whole cop
00:46:02number around Rachel and you.
00:46:08Rachel and me?
00:46:10What's the matter?
00:46:11Don't you want to be a star?
00:46:13I'm going to feature you.
00:46:14No, I, it's just a whole lot better dancers.
00:46:21Yeah, lots of better dancers.
00:46:23I don't know a better trier.
00:46:27Don't be late to rehearsal anymore.
00:46:30Maybe we're not as bad as we think we are.
00:46:40What happened?
00:46:43Oh, you know.
00:46:44No, I don't know.
00:46:45What happened?
00:46:53Come on, talk to me.
00:46:58Don't do this.
00:47:00You know, you don't have to act like a cop with me.
00:47:05You don't want me to act like a cop?
00:47:07No, I just don't want you to think you have
00:47:08to act like a cop with me.
00:47:11See, maybe then I won't always have
00:47:13to act like a cop with you.
00:47:18I don't suppose you feel like going back to my apartment
00:47:20and not acting like cops together.
00:47:28I got to go to work.
00:47:32I'm late.
00:47:33You'd better go then.
00:47:39You all right?
00:47:40No.
00:47:47I've got to go.
00:47:50Are you OK?
00:47:51Yeah.
00:47:52Call me.
00:47:53Yeah, yeah.
00:48:11Give me it, spastic.
00:48:13You see?
00:48:14You watching?
00:48:15Yes, Norman.
00:48:20There, OK, tell me again.
00:48:23Dominant hand underneath, other hand on top,
00:48:27sight with my dominant eye, but I keep both eyes open.
00:48:32And I squeeze the trigger like I'm touching an erect nipple.
00:48:36So do it, soldier, or run out of ammo.
00:48:40Hey, hey, I hit it.
00:48:50Better hope that son of a bitch is damn close, Joey.
00:48:58Abe?
00:49:07Abe?
00:49:10What do you want?
00:49:11Abe?
00:49:15I hope you were aiming for that post, Abraham.
00:49:17She came to the precinct.
00:49:19Rachel?
00:49:20You know what happens if my sergeant
00:49:21figures out what's going on?
00:49:23You know, this was your idea in the first place.
00:49:24I got no place to get busted to from here but out.
00:49:27What am I supposed to do with the last 30
00:49:29or 40 years of my life?
00:49:30Work in a library?
00:49:33Shut up, I'm going to feed you in a damn minute.
00:49:37When is this dancing and prancing show?
00:49:4010 days, just 10 more days.
00:49:43It's going to be great.
00:49:44I'm featured.
00:49:45Featured?
00:49:47All I hope, cauliflower brain, is that you live to show up.
00:49:51Trust me, I've got everything under control.
00:49:54Oh, right.
00:49:55What the hell is going on up here?
00:50:20Bang bang, you're neutered, Neil.
00:50:25What are you doing with that gun, Gower?
00:50:27Relax, Neil, it's not loaded.
00:50:34I hope you have a permit to carry that, Gower.
00:50:37I really do.
00:50:38Well, I'll bring it in tomorrow,
00:50:39and we can pass it around the library.
00:50:42Please.
00:50:43And now, do you mind?
00:50:44We pay you to work, not to play.
00:50:48Absolutely.
00:50:55All right.
00:51:10Night, Pod.
00:51:11Joey, Raisin Bran.
00:51:13Is Raisin Bran good bulk?
00:51:16Excellent, Pod.
00:51:17Raisin Bran is terrific bulk.
00:51:19I've been eating Raisin Bran.
00:51:21I'm feeling pretty good.
00:51:23That's good, Pod.
00:51:24Keep me posted.
00:51:25I thought you'd want to know.
00:51:32Joe!
00:51:36Mary Ellen Gruenwald.
00:51:37How you doing?
00:51:38Oh, you know.
00:51:40Norm!
00:51:42You're looking good, Joe.
00:51:43You really are.
00:51:44Thank you, that's very kind of you to say.
00:51:46Take this.
00:51:47What is this, fish?
00:51:49Take it.
00:51:50Don't open it till you get home.
00:51:53Joe, would you like to go for a bike ride on Sunday?
00:52:01I'd like to chat with you.
00:52:03Gee, I'd like to, Mary Ellen, but I
00:52:05have a chat scheduled for Sunday.
00:52:08Joe, I really need to talk with you.
00:52:20This is the nicest present I ever got.
00:52:54Detective Lou Wareham.
00:52:56Ah, Zeke Washington.
00:52:59I know you.
00:53:02I, um.
00:53:03You're here.
00:53:04Hello.
00:53:05Hello.
00:53:06Hello.
00:53:07Welcome to the 200 and last precinct.
00:53:10Come in.
00:53:11Come in.
00:53:12You know, I never forget a face.
00:53:14It'll come to me.
00:53:16God almighty, maybe.
00:53:17Could have done this 30 years, not
00:53:19been eligible for the Knapp commission.
00:53:21They wanted a piece of him.
00:53:23Know what I got short for 30 years, Zeke?
00:53:28No, sir.
00:53:29A lot of mail order furniture.
00:53:31On the compound of stupidity, all my children
00:53:33went out of business.
00:53:35No respect for you, Pop.
00:53:37No respect for you, Zeke.
00:53:39No respect for you, Zeke.
00:53:41No respect for you, Zeke.
00:53:43No respect for you, Pop.
00:53:45Do me a favor.
00:53:46Turn on some goddamn tradition.
00:53:49Nobody in this country gives jack shit
00:53:51about tradition anymore.
00:53:53Pass the pot roast there, will you, Junior?
00:53:55Sure thing, Pop.
00:54:02So, Zeke.
00:54:05What's the secret ingredient?
00:54:08I didn't know I had one, sir.
00:54:10New York Public Library.
00:54:17Excuse me?
00:54:18That drug bust.
00:54:22Drug bust?
00:54:24You were the guy who was dressed up like a rabbi.
00:54:30Right?
00:54:33Right.
00:54:34I'm right, huh?
00:54:35Right.
00:54:37Kid never forgets a face.
00:54:44Your mother's testing out his dishwashing skills.
00:54:48You thirsty?
00:54:49We got beer.
00:54:50And we got beer.
00:54:54So.
00:54:58You really like this guy, don't you?
00:55:02Yeah.
00:55:07He's a cop.
00:55:27I'm not gonna come up tonight.
00:55:31Why not?
00:55:33I'm falling in love with you.
00:55:35Good.
00:55:37No, it's not good.
00:55:38It's bad.
00:55:43I promised myself a long time ago I'd...
00:55:46I'd never get involved with a cop.
00:55:49I promised myself.
00:55:54What if I wasn't a cop?
00:55:57I mean...
00:55:59I mean, what if I gave it up?
00:56:04Who are you kidding?
00:56:06Cops don't stop being cops.
00:56:10I gotta go, okay?
00:56:12No, wait a minute.
00:56:15What if it's not okay?
00:56:19I guess I'd stay.
00:56:24I love you.
00:56:29You have to go, go.
00:56:37I'll stay.
00:56:40I'll stay.
00:56:48The answer's simple, Joey.
00:56:50Never tell a woman the truth about anything.
00:56:53Think she's just afraid if I'm a cop?
00:56:56Won't come home one day.
00:56:58Trust me, Joey. Trust me.
00:57:01Can we pick up the pace a little, please?
00:57:03We're running a circle here. What's your hurry?
00:57:06Besides, you tell her the truth, she could have my ass chucked in jail.
00:57:09Now, that's just a small consideration.
00:57:11But I know you got everything under control.
00:57:13Will you slow down?
00:57:14Would you catch up?
00:57:16I'm telling you, Joey, lie.
00:57:18You're gonna be sick of it before you know it.
00:57:20Don't talk about Rachel like that.
00:57:24Look, I'll keep you out of it, but I'm gonna tell her the truth.
00:57:29Come on, Celestine.
00:57:33It's brutal.
00:57:38See you, Rachel.
00:57:43Again.
00:57:50You know what I did before I was a cop?
00:57:52What?
00:57:53Worked in a toy store.
00:57:56What if we open a toy store together?
00:57:59See, Rachel. Hey, what are you doing?
00:58:03Oh, nothing. We're dancing.
00:58:15You want to give up the job to sell toys?
00:58:19No, I didn't say I wanted to give it up.
00:58:21I was thinking more about moonlighting.
00:58:25Moonlighting? Come on, Washington.
00:58:27What is it you're trying to tell me?
00:58:32Come on in. I want to show you something.
00:58:34Come on.
00:58:38Joe?
00:58:39Joey, is that you?
00:58:41Hey, Joe!
00:58:43Wait, hey, Joe!
00:58:45Joe?
00:58:47Joe!
00:58:49Joe!
00:59:03Look at your response to the run-around.
00:59:05What is going on?
00:59:06You follow me or I'm gonna mark you.
00:59:08Hey, hey!
00:59:14Hey, Joe! Joe, wake up!
00:59:16Where are you going?
00:59:18Where's that uniform?
00:59:22That guy must be crazy. He thinks I'm somebody named Joe.
00:59:30This has something to do with when you were undercover, doesn't it?
00:59:34Yeah, it has something to do with when I was undercover.
00:59:37Fine. That's all you had to say.
00:59:43No, it isn't.
00:59:48I'm just gonna come right out with it.
00:59:59It appears you won't have to.
01:00:01I, uh, I used my old key.
01:00:05I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd be entertaining a policeman.
01:00:08What's she doing here?
01:00:10I'm back, Joey.
01:00:12For good.
01:00:14She's back, Joey, for good.
01:00:16She's naked.
01:00:18I'm naked.
01:00:20Yeah, I couldn't help noticing that.
01:00:24Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
01:00:31Will you come back here?
01:00:36Oh, my God!
01:00:47Mind if I come in?
01:00:49Mm-mm.
01:01:03Excuse me, Mary Ellen, but what are you doing here?
01:01:06Oh, Joe.
01:01:08You flunked the bar exam.
01:01:11I'm sorry.
01:01:13Neil flunked the bar exam.
01:01:16And he's just turned so mean and stinky, and...
01:01:19I miss you. Miss eating and talking and listening to music
01:01:23and having sex and riding bicycles.
01:01:30Joe, what are you doing in that uniform?
01:01:39Mary Ellen.
01:01:44Three weeks ago,
01:01:46if you'd showed up naked in my apartment,
01:01:49I'd have felt...
01:01:52I would have felt just the opposite of what I do now.
01:01:57And what do you feel now, Joe?
01:02:02Well, Mary Ellen,
01:02:05I feel just a tad hostile.
01:02:09Just a teensy bit contemptuous.
01:02:13Easy.
01:02:23Easy.
01:02:35Gently.
01:02:37Easy.
01:02:40Fie.
01:02:43No.
01:02:53You know, it's really pretty childish
01:02:55to pretend you're not home
01:02:57when some poor fool is humiliating himself outside your door.
01:03:00I don't want to talk about it, Joey.
01:03:03No.
01:03:06I don't want to talk about what?
01:03:09What I wanted to talk about in the first place.
01:03:13Can we go do this privately?
01:03:16No.
01:03:18Fine.
01:03:22You know what your problem is?
01:03:24It's got nothing to do with Mary Ellen.
01:03:26Your problem is, is you're looking for any excuse
01:03:29not to have a serious relationship with me.
01:03:31What?
01:03:34Look, you want to make a run for it, just say so,
01:03:36but don't make it look like it's my fault.
01:03:38I've had it in lecturing me all my life. I'm sick of it.
01:03:40You coward. You chicken shit.
01:03:44Mr. DiMartino, I believe our two stars are having a spat.
01:03:47You stay out of this.
01:03:49Look, I don't need you or anybody else
01:03:52explaining me to me.
01:03:54Enough. Let's get on with rehearsal.
01:03:58Have a nice night, Joseph.
01:04:00No, you?
01:04:02No, nothing particular.
01:04:04That's good.
01:04:15Yeah, this is Officer Zeke Washington again.
01:04:18I see.
01:04:20Well, tell her I want to tell her the whole stinking truth.
01:04:22Joey.
01:04:24Well, tell her I want to tell her the whole stinking truth.
01:04:26Joey, in the name of God, what is going on up here?
01:04:28Stack room five, is anybody there?
01:04:30Don't bother me now, Pepper.
01:04:32Stack room five, everything's off the cuff.
01:04:33Tell you what, forget it.
01:04:35Tell Officer Wareham that I'm going to take care of a few things
01:04:37and I'm going to come up and tell her myself.
01:04:39Let's get our ass in gear here, Gower.
01:04:43Gower.
01:04:45I'm sorry about the bar exam, Neil.
01:04:47I know how something like that must feel.
01:04:50What?
01:04:52She told you.
01:04:54How could she tell you?
01:04:56I should report you, Gower, to Dr. Hock.
01:05:01Don't bother. I quit.
01:05:04You what?
01:05:06I quit.
01:05:10Gower, why are you taking your clothes off?
01:05:13It's payday. Go get my check. I'll be right down.
01:05:16In your underwear?
01:05:18Pepper, you be nice to Mary Helen.
01:05:20I'm going to come back here with my gun permit
01:05:22and blow your pecker off in front of the circulation desk.
01:05:26So what's taking you so long?
01:05:28It's very simple.
01:05:30I've waited all day for this. What's happening?
01:05:33Show's set.
01:05:35What are you doing in that uniform?
01:05:37Career change, Alvin.
01:05:39Well, we're very sorry, sir,
01:05:41but we'll have your orders down here any minute.
01:05:43What do you mean, just any minute?
01:05:45Just a minute.
01:05:47I'm sorry, sir.
01:05:49I'm sorry.
01:05:51I'm sorry.
01:05:53We'll have your orders down here in just a jiffy.
01:05:56Check.
01:06:03Thanks.
01:06:05Well, what's going on?
01:06:07Will you listen to me a minute?
01:06:09Joseph!
01:06:11What am I supposed to do with these?
01:06:14Wear them.
01:06:16And Alvin, 8 o'clock, Lincoln Center.
01:06:19Be there.
01:06:23♪♪♪
01:06:41Just tell her the truth.
01:06:43She can't take the truth to hell with her.
01:06:54And tell her
01:06:56I just turned and walked away.
01:06:59Let her stop me.
01:07:01If she doesn't stop me...
01:07:11Mr. Gower, how are you?
01:07:13Exactly what I'm working on.
01:07:15Well, that's nice.
01:07:17You know, Mr. Gower, in all the months
01:07:19I've been cashing checks for you,
01:07:21I never knew you were a policeman.
01:07:24A what?
01:07:26Except that there's a different name
01:07:28on your name tag there.
01:07:30Yeah, well, starting in about 20 minutes,
01:07:33I'm taking my own damn name back.
01:07:35For good.
01:07:43Need a hand?
01:07:45Huh?
01:07:47Need a hand?
01:07:50Huh?
01:07:52Will anybody move?
01:07:54Tell this girl to wait for the alarm buttons.
01:07:57Knock the door.
01:07:59Back it up, Jeanie.
01:08:01What's going on?
01:08:05You people, move it over there.
01:08:07You, move!
01:08:09On your feet, sweetheart.
01:08:11Let's go, Red Riding Hood.
01:08:20Any cops show up here, you're all of you dead.
01:08:26Pull these up, Mama.
01:08:36Of course, the cops do show up.
01:08:38We got ourselves a nice bit of bargaining power right here, don't we?
01:08:41Take his gun, Leon.
01:08:43You're standing there. You take it.
01:08:46Drop your gun.
01:08:49Drop it.
01:08:57Lou, what's your name, boy?
01:08:59Me?
01:09:01Yeah, you. Come here. Kick over the gun belt.
01:09:12Oh. Officer Washington.
01:09:15I got... I got bad news for you.
01:09:18I'm not a cop.
01:09:21Pretending?
01:09:23Exactly. See, I was just getting ready to straighten out the whole charade.
01:09:27Uh-huh.
01:09:29But I needed some cash, so I came in to write a... cash a check.
01:09:32And, uh, I was just on my way...
01:09:35To straighten out the charade.
01:09:38Right.
01:09:40See, I work at the library.
01:09:42Library?
01:09:44Yeah. Well, I did. I quit.
01:09:47Hey, this guy's a riot.
01:09:49Let's shoot the son of a bitch.
01:09:51We may need him. Think, Leon. Think.
01:09:58Back it up, Halsey.
01:10:01What are you standing there for? Move it!
01:10:05What are you, some kind of coward? Help us, for God's sake.
01:10:08No talking during a robbery.
01:10:17Get out of the way.
01:10:19Get out of the way!
01:10:29Unified. Give me the keys, Leon. Come here.
01:10:31What for? Give me the keys.
01:10:33Come here. Where are you going, Mickey?
01:10:35Uh, to get an egg cream. I'll be right back.
01:10:47Get in the car.
01:10:52Hello, patrolman. Can we come and see that?
01:10:54Well, Officer Wareham, we've got to stop meeting like this.
01:10:57Yeah, never was such a match.
01:11:01Hostage negotiators? Yeah.
01:11:03Give us a couple of minutes.
01:11:05I'll hang this one.
01:11:07The hell you will. We arrived at the same time.
01:11:09Look, I've been around longer.
01:11:11Besides, I'm a man.
01:11:13Let's get the barriers out of here.
01:11:15I'm kidding, okay? I'm kidding.
01:11:19Hey, what do we got so far?
01:11:21Which one of you guys are hanging this one? Right here.
01:11:23Coming out. Hey, it's one of our people.
01:11:25Back it up, pal.
01:11:27Back it up or he's dead.
01:11:29You two guys, put the shields on. Get the hell out of there.
01:11:32How many you want? Back up. Get out of here.
01:11:34I got one of New York's finest here.
01:11:36You better back it up or he's not gonna make the ball.
01:11:38Get the hell out!
01:11:40I want someone up here to talk to me.
01:11:42Hey, Moe.
01:11:46Detour all that traffic.
01:11:48I want that traffic detoured right now.
01:11:50Coming in to talk.
01:11:56Come on. Move it.
01:12:08Moe.
01:12:11How you doing today?
01:12:13Fine. Great. How you doing?
01:12:15Anybody hurt in there?
01:12:17How come a girl?
01:12:19Lay off. For Christ's sake, shut up.
01:12:21Nobody hurt.
01:12:23Yet.
01:12:25Good.
01:12:29Officer Washington, is it?
01:12:31Actually, it's not.
01:12:33Guy's trying to tell me he's not a cop, he's a librarian.
01:12:36Interesting.
01:12:39Interesting tactic, Washington.
01:12:41How can I help you?
01:12:45What are you doing Saturday night?
01:12:47How can I help you?
01:12:49I've guaranteed safe passage out of here with our money.
01:12:54To, uh...
01:12:56Which is the nearest airport, JFK or LaGuardia?
01:13:01LaGuardia.
01:13:03All right, LaGuardia.
01:13:05And I want a certified pilot.
01:13:07Give me a kamikaze.
01:13:09Okay, let me see what I can do.
01:13:11You do that, cutie pie.
01:13:14They're not gonna let us kill a cop.
01:13:16Huh, Washington?
01:13:19All right? They're gonna make a deal.
01:13:21Huh?
01:13:23All right?
01:13:26Hands up. I want to see the hands up.
01:13:32All right, you can put them down.
01:13:37Can I please go to the bathroom?
01:13:40Me too?
01:13:42Who has to go to the bathroom?
01:13:44Put your hands down.
01:13:46You're a bunch of wise guys.
01:13:50Sit down.
01:13:53Sit down with your hands up.
01:14:00Hey, stand up. Everybody stand up.
01:14:03Except the senior citizens. You can stay down.
01:14:07Why don't you hang on just a minute?
01:14:10Oh, Washington.
01:14:12I got somebody at a command post
01:14:14trying to tell me the two bad guys
01:14:16are holding you hostage in a bank in Long Island City.
01:14:25Officer Washington here.
01:14:27Officer A. Washington?
01:14:29Is there another Officer Washington in your precinct?
01:14:33It's a broad downtown I used to date.
01:14:35It's just a joke. Forget it.
01:14:37Another Officer Washington?
01:14:39Yeah, yeah.
01:14:41Sure is, Alvey.
01:14:43White dude.
01:14:46Yeah, that's our Alvey. Is he all right?
01:14:49Well, keep him that way,
01:14:51because I'm gonna come down there and kill him myself.
01:14:54Sarge, I need to borrow a car.
01:14:56Gee, I really wish I could help you out, Washington.
01:15:00Commissioner wants us to stall till he gets here.
01:15:05Rachel, problem?
01:15:08Do you know, uh, Earth Angel?
01:15:13Do you know, uh, Endless Love of the Night?
01:15:19Do you know, uh, Pleasure of My Love?
01:15:23Do you know, uh, What's the Use of Getting Married?
01:15:30How about, uh, How about Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head?
01:15:34Mm-hmm.
01:15:36Great.
01:15:38Do you know, uh, What's the Use of Getting Married?
01:15:44Do you know, uh, What's the Use of Getting Married?
01:15:47Mm-hmm.
01:15:49Do you know, uh, What's the Use of Getting Married?
01:15:52Mm-hmm.
01:15:54Great.
01:16:00Want a piece, uh, a piece of juicy fruit?
01:16:05Huh?
01:16:07Mm-hmm.
01:16:10Mm-hmm.
01:16:13Forget it. Forget it.
01:16:15That's not the one I meant.
01:16:19Washington, you could say something.
01:16:21We're here alone.
01:16:24You want the tens?
01:16:27No. Skip the tens and take the fifties and the hundreds.
01:16:36Yeah, so talk to me.
01:16:38Commissioner said let everyone go and then he'll see you.
01:16:41Let everyone go and then he'll talk a deal.
01:16:45Forget it.
01:16:47In that case, he says you can go screw yourself.
01:16:49Yeah?
01:16:51Then you tell him he's got exactly five minutes to meet our demands or this cop's dead.
01:16:56Four minutes. I'm killing a son of a bitch in four minutes.
01:16:58Liam, you shut up!
01:17:00I'll see how many minutes we kill him in.
01:17:04The clock's ticking, honeybunch.
01:17:07Alvin, I called the two, too.
01:17:09I got another A. Washington in cover for you.
01:17:12That's what I was trying to tell you last night!
01:17:16What's that mean, another A. Washington?
01:17:18Find out what that means, Mickey.
01:17:20It means she just found out I'm not a cop.
01:17:22Are you gonna get off that story, fella?
01:17:24Sure, why not?
01:17:26Sit and look in my holster.
01:17:28Look at his holster, Leon.
01:17:30You're standing right there. You look.
01:17:33What is it, Mickey?
01:17:38It's not Rick.
01:18:03You got any due bills with those people, you better call them in, babe.
01:18:10I'm not strong in the due bill area right now.
01:18:13All right. We're counting down.
01:18:25I'll tell you what.
01:18:27I'm not dying without going in front of an audience one time.
01:18:31Everybody watch this.
01:18:38Excuse me.
01:18:40But, uh, what are you doing, Washington?
01:18:42What the hell's he doing, Mickey?
01:18:47All right, that's enough of that.
01:18:49Get out of the door, Leon.
01:18:51Make him stop dancing. I hate that!
01:18:54You gonna stop that, Washington, or what?
01:18:56How about some accompaniment?
01:19:01Cut it out.
01:19:03Cut it!
01:19:05Mickey, wait. I love that song.
01:19:07With yellow feathers in her hair
01:19:09And a dress cut down to there
01:19:11She put bedding in
01:19:13Check, Leon. We robbing a bank or what?
01:19:16Keep an eye on the door, will ya?
01:19:22Try it, Leon.
01:19:27Oy.
01:19:31Hey! They're coming out!
01:19:34All right, let's get them.
01:19:36Nice!
01:19:38All right.
01:19:40This way.
01:19:42I'm done.
01:19:44Make room for the officers
01:19:46So they can get these people out of there.
01:19:48Get them in the car.
01:19:50Get them in the car.
01:19:52Come on. Let's go.
01:19:56What's my mother gonna think?
01:19:58Your mother would've said watch the door.
01:20:01Son, son, come on.
01:20:03We gotta get this shot.
01:20:05Hell of a job, son. Hell of a job.
01:20:07Go ahead.
01:20:13As commissioner,
01:20:15I would like you to know that you are a hero.
01:20:19I was born to be a hero.
01:20:21There's just one thing wrong, sir.
01:20:23What's that, son?
01:20:26Huh?
01:20:31Washington.
01:20:33You're through.
01:20:36Sir, I don't think you want to do that.
01:20:38Who asked you?
01:20:40Whatever the hell your name is.
01:20:43Sir, I don't think you want this story to go public.
01:20:51I hope to hell you're not blackmailing me.
01:20:55You know what this dancing cop number means to the city council?
01:20:58And my image?
01:21:01No, sir, not really.
01:21:03I can tell you what it means to me.
01:21:05Who gives a shit what it means to you?
01:21:11How small is your part?
01:21:13Not very, sir.
01:21:15Fact is, I'm featured.
01:21:18Featured?
01:21:22Why?
01:21:24Because I'm the best, sir.
01:21:26Because I'm the mean man.
01:21:31Ladies and gentlemen,
01:21:33the man of the hour,
01:21:35Officer...
01:21:37Alvin...
01:21:39Zeke...
01:21:41Washington!
01:21:57I don't want people thinking I'm a hero.
01:22:00What I did today, I did because I had to.
01:22:03People were depending on me because of this uniform to protect them,
01:22:06and so I did what I had to do.
01:22:09I guess you could say...
01:22:14I went to my left
01:22:16and hit the jumper from the corner.
01:22:20Swish.
01:22:48Zeke, you made it.
01:22:50Are you all right? I'm sorry I'm late.
01:22:52You were so worried.
01:22:56Congratulations.
01:23:00Let's do it. Let's do it.
01:23:03Places.
01:23:09Ready.
01:23:13Light cue, one, go.
01:23:17I've been trying to tell you,
01:23:20I'm just a 28-year-old guy
01:23:22that's never done anything with his life until today.
01:23:26I've been trying to tell you that.
01:23:30Later I'll tell you everything if you want to hear it.
01:23:35But just now I want to tell you that I love you.
01:23:38And if you love me,
01:23:41then...
01:23:43after an appropriate amount of time,
01:23:45we'll get married.
01:23:48And we'll have kids.
01:23:51And we'll try our damnedest to be happy.
01:23:56Because what the hell else can you do with life?
01:24:01So you think about it and let me know.
01:24:11By the way, I'm Joe.
01:24:13Joe Gowra.
01:24:15I love you.
01:24:45I love you.
01:25:16Yeah! Yeah!
01:25:19Ha-ha-ha!
01:25:45Oh!
01:26:15Oh!
01:26:45clarinet solo
01:27:15clarinet solo
01:27:45clarinet solo
01:28:15clarinet solo