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Video Information:
Interview Session, 28.01.20, Greater Noida, India
Context:
How to live happily?
What is the secret of good relationships?
What is happiness?
How to maintain beautiful relationships based on Truth?
Is it better to stay single, or should one be necessarily in a relationship?
Why do women choose to stay single today?
What is the answer to being single vs being married?
Music Credits: Milind Date
Be a part of the Live Sessions: https://acharyaprashant.org/hi/enquir...
Want to read Acharya Prashant's Books?
Get Free Delivery: https://acharyaprashant.org/en/books?...
Video Information:
Interview Session, 28.01.20, Greater Noida, India
Context:
How to live happily?
What is the secret of good relationships?
What is happiness?
How to maintain beautiful relationships based on Truth?
Is it better to stay single, or should one be necessarily in a relationship?
Why do women choose to stay single today?
What is the answer to being single vs being married?
Music Credits: Milind Date
Category
📚
LearningTranscript
00:00Acharyaji, yesterday itself I was reading a study in the Times of India, which said
00:14that women are happier being single.
00:18Now this, when I read this as an Indian woman who is living in the Indian culture today,
00:26this is very conflicting because women in India who are single are actually looked down
00:35upon.
00:36I mean, if there is any single girl in your house, then they just want you to get married
00:42as soon as possible.
00:44So how do I reconcile this conflict?
00:49There is no rigid rule in this regard.
00:58The report that you are quoting says single women are happier.
01:05I am assuming that by happiness they mean a higher kind of happiness that includes contentment.
01:14So when it comes to that happiness, that real happiness, there is no rule that a single
01:21woman would be happier than a wedded woman or a family woman or somebody who is in a
01:29relationship or vice versa.
01:34It depends.
01:35It depends on the quality of your relationship.
01:39If indeed it is true, if it passes the test of scientific data gathering and objective
01:54evaluation that single women are indeed happier than married women, it only reflects on the
02:05quality of decision making of young people.
02:10You see, it is not really necessary that you have to have a bad partner or a troubling
02:27relationship.
02:31It is not necessary that not being with someone has to be the best state of existence possible.
02:46But here what we are seeing is a comparison.
02:49What we are seeing is that if a woman is single, she is probably doing better than if she were
02:57hitched.
02:59So that is just a relative thing.
03:02And if it is a relative thing, it tells about the quality of relationships that women have
03:09and hence obviously men have.
03:12And hence it tells about the quality of the mind that agrees to those relationships.
03:24When you get into a relationship because you just don't know why you are getting into
03:31it, because it is the done thing, everybody has a partner so you too ought to have it
03:36otherwise you will be such a bad loser, that kind of mindset.
03:45When you get wedded because again that's the thing to be done in your age bracket,
03:54then obviously the decision that is being taken is a bad decision, it's an unwise decision.
04:03So the woman in the relationship is obviously going to be unhappy.
04:09What is not being said here is that the man is probably going to be equally unhappy.
04:15You cannot have a relationship in which the woman is discontented and the man is gloriously
04:21joyful.
04:22That's not going to happen.
04:24So it's a mutually destructive thing.
04:26Two people holding hands and exchanging woes without even knowing why they should be together
04:35and whether they should be together at all.
04:38It's a very pitiable situation.
04:44Unfortunately that is what we find in many relationships.
04:49I'm afraid most relationships.
04:55So women are unhappy, men are unhappy, entire families are unhappy and the kids that are
05:01bred in such unhappy environs come up as not really healthy human beings.
05:11So it is in context of such unhealthy holding of hands that the study has probably inferred
05:19that it's better to remain single.
05:24Let's not jump to the conclusion that not being related to anybody throughout your life
05:31is the necessary and unavoidable way to have peace or happiness.
05:45If you really can relate with someone who can bring a certain elevation, beauty, understanding
05:54to your life, nothing like it.
05:58But then that has to be the objective in the first place before you enter the relationship.
06:04And that then cannot be merely the objective of that particular relationship.
06:08That has to be the objective of your entire life, your 24-hour activity.
06:14You have to have a mind that is seeking light, that is seeking to get clarity and betterment
06:25and upliftment.
06:27When you have that kind of a mind, you are with me till now, right?
06:33When you have that kind of a mind, then whether you pick up a partner or a piece of cutlery
06:41or a cup of tea, or whether you choose a destination to travel to, or whether you decide how to
06:52spend the festive season, or whether you make a decision regarding your finances or your studies.
07:00All the decisions then are centered on the same thing.
07:06You say, is my decision going to be really uplifting or will it just provide me some
07:13kind of very temporary excitement, some appreciation in the eyes of my peers and those around me,
07:22family members, etc. and security.
07:26And even that security we all know is such an illusion.
07:31There is no real security in the ways it is sought.
07:38So one has to ask, what am I doing?
07:42What am I here for?
07:43What am I enrolled in a college for?
07:46What am I in a job for?
07:50And only when you have that kind of a mind that is constantly inquiring this way, will
07:55you also inquire, what am I holding his hand for?
08:00How has this person managed to sneak into my life?
08:03Sir, what are you doing here?
08:05Hello!
08:06Why are you occupying that chair?
08:07It's an important chair, you see.
08:09I'll be forced to more or less constantly look at your face if you occupy that chair.
08:15So I'll ask, Sir, I mean, what's the very rise and detritus for this relationship?
08:24If you are sitting there, then we are sharing meals.
08:26If you are sitting there, then I have to live through your behavior.
08:30If you are sitting there, then I'll have to be necessarily absorbing some of the effects
08:37of your company.
08:39So much from you will come to me, and vice versa.
08:42So why am I with someone?
08:45That question has to be asked.
08:46If that question has been honestly asked and reasonably answered, then you cannot go wrong.
08:54Whether you marry or not, whether you remain with someone or not, and mind you, these are
09:02not really permanent decisions to be made.
09:07This is not something that gets edged on stone.
09:13There might be a phase of life when it's really important, even holy, to be with someone.
09:23And then comes a time when it's better for both of you to grow a little independently
09:32of each other.
09:36So anything is possible and welcome as long as the intention is right.
09:47And the intention, I'm repeating it, has to be to make the best use of life, to grow
09:55to your fullest potential, to not really to look behind and repent.
10:03One has to be totally into life.
10:09One has to be responsible, one has to understand, one has to have a certain depth, and from
10:16there comes joy.
10:18And to such a person, bad relationships are very unlikely to happen.
10:24Even if by dint of circumstances, he or she lands into a tricky relationship, you can
10:34rest assured that the fellow will be able to bring some health to that relationship.
10:45But yes, obviously, if it is the norm, if it is a widely prevalent condition, that 95%
10:58people who do anything, including choosing a partner, are doing it in sheer ignorance,
11:07then we very well know that the remaining 5% would be better off.
11:13The remaining 5% would be better off, as the quoted report says, just because the 95%
11:19are acting in very unwise ways.
11:22Are you getting it?
11:24It's like this, the analogy will probably work for you.
11:32Fasting is better than eating contaminated food.
11:38Getting it?
11:42So better than having stale food, bad food, is to have no food at all.
11:49And when a society has come to a situation that bad and stale food has become the culture,
11:58the accepted norm, then probably the ones who eat very little are relatively the healthiest
12:06ones.
12:07That's what your report is saying.
12:11It reflects more on that marriages are unhappy rather than being single is the way.
12:19And when I say that, I am not against staying single.
12:26I am just saying that being born in a human body, it will not be possible for you to really
12:34not relate to anybody.
12:36I do not know what the term single really means.
12:41Does it mean abstinence from the socio-legal institution of marriage?
12:46If it means that, then obviously it is possible to stay single your entire life.
12:51But in the more practical terms of life, nobody can really remain single.
12:59If you are with someone, even for a dinner or as friends, colleagues, whatever, then
13:07you are not really single.
13:08You are in a relationship, aren't you in a relationship?
13:12Relationships need not always be romantic.
13:15They need not always have that angle.
13:17But you are always relating with someone or the other.
13:22We must have the sense to relate properly.
13:25We must know what is it that draws us to the other person.
13:29And if we smell something foul there, then we must have the wisdom, the guts, most importantly
13:39the honesty to call the whole thing off.
13:42You know, smelling the foul, where do you draw the line?
13:48How do you know that this is where I am drawing the line, beyond this I am not going to be
13:54relating to you?
13:55Because we have that expectation that people will change.
14:00See there are tell-tale signs, you have to understand this.
14:04And some of what I am now going to say might sound odd to you, so just bear it.
14:11You have to see what the other person has started meaning to you.
14:16Has the other person assumed some kind of a larger-than-life importance in your eyes?
14:25If someone else were to objectively evaluate this person, what kind of value would he give to him?
14:36This is purely on the person's merits.
14:39Obviously, when you are in a relationship, then you do tend to give an exaggerated value, which is alright.
14:46It's part of being human.
14:48But if the fact is that the general audience is going to accord a value of 5 to that person,
14:56whereas in your eyes, in your behavior, the value is 500, then you must know that things are wrong.
15:05I mean, it's berserk rather.
15:07That's one thing.
15:09Second thing is, has the thought of the other started meaning fear or greed, temptation or apprehension to you?
15:21Has the other started dominating your mind?
15:26You have to ask this, whether your mental space has been colonized.
15:35And you have to guard against it.
15:38It is not right.
15:39Even if it appears sweet and not merely acceptable, but actually welcome in initial stages of the relationship,
15:52it is something very unhealthy.
15:55If somebody has started encroaching upon your mental space,
16:00if somebody has really started affecting the way you go about your day-to-day activities,
16:11the other person has started showing up his presence even where he should not be,
16:21then you should know that the relationship is not going in a healthy way.
16:30And you should know where to draw the line.
16:33Similarly, you have to see whether a particular angle of domination is creeping into the relationship.
16:42In the name of care or concern, has the other started becoming dominating or just a little too much upon you?
16:59Even without giving an explicit consent, have you become accountable, answerable?
17:07If these things have started happening, then you should just stand up and say,
17:18something is not quite right here.
17:23Basically, you have to guard against neurosis.
17:29Our unhealthy tendencies show up in the most pronounced way in our relationships,
17:43especially if the relationship has a romantic or a sexual character.
17:50Then all the garbage that otherwise keeps lying hidden within,
17:57it just… and we keep it hidden.
17:59But when the relationship assumes an intimate character,
18:02then all the garbage just shows up in all its crudeness and with all the stink.
18:09And so, it's not really difficult to know when and whether a relationship is going foul.
18:16You will know that.
18:18It's just that we lack the courage, the integrity.
18:24To act on what we already know.
18:31You don't always need an absolutist reaction.
18:39That if you know that the relationship is growing up little upon you,
18:45then you call it off or walk out.
18:48You don't always need to walk out.
18:51Obviously, the first response has to be to try to modify the relationship,
18:55to bring it back to healthy contours.
19:08If people cannot change, then we should not be talking.
19:12The purpose of every human interaction ultimately has to be betterment, improvement.
19:20What we call as casual chit-chat or gossip is of no avail.
19:27And even when you say that you are interacting reasonlessly,
19:32it is not really reasonless.
19:34It's just that you do not know the hidden reasons.
19:38So, we always have a reason in whatsoever we do.
19:43Let the reason be improvement.
19:45So, yes, people can change and people are changing all the time.
19:49Let's just change rightly.
19:52How do we know what kind of change is right?
19:55You are the best judge.
19:57You know better than anybody else whether life is going right for you.